The no-contact rule is the most discussed rule in the whole break up recovery field. You only need to check out the comment section of my article The Secret of How To Get Over a Break Up to see examples.
People know that the rule is essential, but are constantly fighting it – looking for loopholes to break it – which is understandable. Others, however, are reporting that the only thing that helped them to get over their Exes was following that particular rule.
It’s the most important precondition to healing from a break up or divorce.
I actually talk about this in detail in my free newsletter , but I just wanted to add some small things.
The problem with this rule is that we do not recognize its urgency in the beginning. We only begin to understand after we have had some bad experiences with this “friend thing”.
Why do we aspire to stay friends with our Exes, even though we sense that it’s bad for us?
Let’s examine the “Dumpers” and “Dumpees” separately:
1. The “Dumpees”:
The dumpee wants to stay friends for the obvious reason: they don’t want to lose their Ex. If they can’t be with them as romantic partners, then why not as friends? This way they will be still around, and maybe it can be as close to as it was before. The secret hope is that they can turn them around somehow and get back together again.
I’m sorry to say that I have BAD news for you: It doesn’t work this way.
You really don’t want this for various reasons:
- The dumpers WILL treat you as a friend! Are you really prepared for that?
- They may take advantage of you for occasional sex without commitment, (this is especially true for male dumpers).
- You will have certain expectations they certainly can’t fulfill – you love them, but your Ex doesn’t return the feelings.
- You will constantly be looking for “signs” that there is still a chance, (this will destroy you in the long run).
- It will prolong, if not prevent your healing.
2. The “Dumpers”:
The dumper wants to stay friends for nearly the same reasons, only their motivation is different:
- They often want you around because they also don’t want to lose you.
- They want you as a safe fallback if something goes wrong in their lives, (if their new girl/boyfriend dumps them unexpectedly).
- Some want you still for occasional sex.
- They want to make it “easier for you”, (which of course backfires).
- They want to be around to “help” you.
Are these all legitimate reasons?
The best thing a “Dumper” can do for the “Dumpee” is to refuse to maintain contact any longer. It’s easier for them to do so in the beginning, and it’s a sacrifice for their own good.
If you are the “Dumpee”, then make it clear to yourself that you don’t need another talk, you don’t need closure – all you need to know is that it’s over. You will realize the reasons for the break up, if not immediately, then after some time has passed.
This of course hurts like hell, but ultimately it’s better and easier for both parties.
Think about this.
Maybe you will have to make YOUR own experiences, maybe you will have to realize the hard way which choice is the better one – we often learn better by making mistakes.
Either way, I don’t want you to beat yourself up. See this decision as a milestone on your way to independence and happiness. A way that will be hard and rocky at times, but ultimately you will be proud of yourself, because you’ve made it!