About The Necessity Of No-Contact

by Eddie Corbano

267

The no-contact rule is the most discussed rule in the whole break up recovery field. You only need to check out the comment section of my article The Secret of How To Get Over a Break Up to see examples.

People know that the rule is essential, but are constantly fighting it – looking for loopholes to break it – which is understandable. Others, however, are reporting that the only thing that helped them to get over their Exes was following that particular rule.

It’s the most important precondition to healing from a break up or divorce.

I actually talk about this in detail in my free newsletter , but I just wanted to add some small things.

The problem with this rule is that we do not recognize its urgency in the beginning. We only begin to understand after we have had some bad experiences with this “friend thing”.

Why do we aspire to stay friends with our Exes, even though we sense that it’s bad for us?

Let’s examine the “Dumpers” and “Dumpees” separately:

1. The “Dumpees”:

The dumpee wants to stay friends for the obvious reason: they don’t want to lose their Ex. If they can’t be with them as romantic partners, then why not as friends? This way they will be still around, and maybe it can be as close to as it was before. The secret hope is that they can turn them around somehow and get back together again.

I’m sorry to say that I have BAD news for you: It doesn’t work this way.

You really don’t want this for various reasons:

The dumpers WILL treat you as a friend! Are you really prepared for that?
They may take advantage of you for occasional sex without commitment, (this is especially true for male dumpers).
You will have certain expectations they certainly can’t fulfill – you love them, but your Ex doesn’t return the feelings.
You will constantly be looking for “signs” that there is still a chance, (this will destroy you in the long run).
It will prolong, if not prevent your healing.

2. The “Dumpers”:

The dumper wants to stay friends for nearly the same reasons, only their motivation is different:

They often want you around because they also don’t want to lose you.
They want you as a safe fallback if something goes wrong in their lives, (if their new girl/boyfriend dumps them unexpectedly).
Some want you still for occasional sex.
They want to make it “easier for you”, (which of course backfires).
They want to be around to “help” you.

Are these all legitimate reasons?

The Solution

The best thing a “Dumper” can do for the “Dumpee” is to refuse to maintain contact any longer. It’s easier for them to do so in the beginning, and it’s a sacrifice for their own good.

If you are the “Dumpee”, then make it clear to yourself that you don’t need another talk, you don’t need closure – all you need to know is that it’s over. You will realize the reasons for the break up, if not immediately, then after some time has passed.

This of course hurts like hell, but ultimately it’s better and easier for both parties.

Think about this.

Maybe you will have to make YOUR own experiences, maybe you will have to realize the hard way which choice is the better one – we often learn better by making mistakes.

Either way, I don’t want you to beat yourself up. See this decision as a milestone on your way to independence and happiness. A way that will be hard and rocky at times, but ultimately you will be proud of yourself, because you’ve made it!

Your friend,
Eddie

My Recommendation For Further Reading:

10 Secrets About Men - Very Recommendable Inside-Tips from Christian Carter
Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends - THE Classic Book About Breakup Recovery
For Men: Getting Your Groove Back After A Breakup - Approaching Women and Getting Physical

5 Must-See Related Posts:

About The Author:

Eddie Corbano is a breakup-coach, relationship-advisor and founder of LovesAGame. He suffered from a devastating break up in 1998. Since then, he dedicated his life to helping others getting the best of this existential experience. The overcoming of a break up is an important step to autonomy and independency. Eddie Corbano developed some new coaching programs, which focus on evolving inner strength and the power to set and reach any personal goal. (Article written on May 15th, 2009)
Show all posts by Eddie Corbano

Category: Break Up and Divorce
Tags: dumpees, dumpers, healing, no contact rule

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Success Stories from other LovesAGame readers

Ugh

It's been 4 days since I last had contact with my girlfriend. We were together for 2 years(almost.) She broke up with me 2 weeks ago, 2 weeks right before our anniversary…. and she found a new girlfriend after only 5 days of leaving me. She hasn't told me about this new girlfriend yet but I found out 4 days ago via facebook. Ugh. I will not check her facebook anymore. The first week and a half of our break up I stooped to a new low.. I cried, and begged for her to take me back. I told her that I would change, and become a better person for her. All of this very embarassing. So anyway, I haven't contacted her in 4 days. But she has been sending me text messages the last 4 days wondering how I am doing, and asking me why I am ignoring her. It's really hard not to message her back. I want to tell her that I know all about this new relationship she is in…and ask her how the hell could she replacement so quickly.. she has blocked her relationship status, and posts from me but I found out about this new girlfriend anyway. I don't think I'm getting very far with this no contact thing. Because all I do is think about what I want to tell her, I even write drafts on my cell but never send her the texts. Two weeks ago she told me she was completely drained from me.. She said that I did not give her enough attention, that i was too depressed, that i was too boring, that she wanted me to want to spend more time with her, she wanted me to become more independent, and to improve myself before she will take me back. She was really clingy in the relationship but now it seems that I am the clingy one… I'm always thinking about her, and thinking about my fault in the demise of the relationship. The worst thing is that she told me that she would take me back as soon as I get myself together… but how can she mean that when it took her 5 days to find a replacement.. this overweight, party-girl rebound… my complete opposite. Oh my f-ing jesus. I am so PISSED OFF at her right now. But I still love her so very much that I just don't know what to do with myself. I want her to take me back.. but this seems irreparable… after completely replacing me after 5 days of our breakup…I just don't even want to be her friend anymore even.. I just want to be over her, and move on with life……………………
Alexzarate98

i need some help pls my ex wont stop calling me even when i have told her clearly that i dont wanna keep in touch no more but she insists she doesnt want to be with me for sure but she still wont stop callin me and this hurts bc i still want her back and have feelings and at the same time improve self love so any advice would be appreciated
SomewhereInTheMiddle

Eddie,

Alright. Here's the problem. My ex boyfriend broke up with me a month ago today. We dated for a year and a half. It was pretty unexpected. For the next two weeks, he still came over like we were dating. I'm disapponted in myself for letting him use me that way. I thought, any part of him is better than no part, right? Wrong. I finally woke up and told him to completely leave me alone…no texts, no phone calls, no coming over…nothing. I deleted our pictures from online and blocked him as a friend on facebook…along with his two sisters so I wouldn't be tempeted to look at all. The problem? We both go to the same college and we are both Resident Advisors in the same building…therefore we live together and work together and I see him every single day. Desk hours, staff meetings, staff developments, just coming in and out of the building…every single day. He feels this gives us license to put all this behind us and be best friends and he doesn't understand that I'm trying to piece my life back together. I'm over the sad part, I'm over the panic part and now I'm just mad that he broke all his promises to me and how he ended things. He doesn't understand this at all. I don't want to talk and be friends and hang out and act like nothing happened. Why can't he understand that by keeping this up is only killing me? I don't know how else to say leave me alone before he gets it.
Katherine

Ok so I FAILED miserably at my latest attempt of no contact…. my situation is difficult because my ex and I share a 7 month child. Here is the basics…we have been toggether for 2 years, he has a drug problem (pills) and he is verbally abusive, I don't exactly trust him alone with my baby as he does drugs….but i still want them to have a relationship as he is TRYING to get help. I love him and I have been spending (sorry…wasting) all this time to try to make him see that it is alright to love, that he can be a good person, but it is NOT WORKING.. and instead it is just turning me into a bad person.

I was once a positive, outgoing, friendly and upbeat person. I loved making new friends and trying new things…he changed that! I don't know HOW but it happened..I don't blame him for the change really it was my fault but I changed and I hate what I have become.

Should be simple when it is here in black and white, but its not that simple. Everytime I start to get over him and accept that we are done, there he is back in my face and I crumble instantly!!! I wish I could just stop. Add to this long list of negative issues the fact that he “hates” my older child and I should be easily running for the hills…so why am I still here????

I am going to try the no-contact thing again, but it is difficult for me to do…..

Mandaholaway

This particularly stuck out to me: “all this time to try to make him see that it is alright to love, that he can be a good person, but it is NOT WORKING”

I tried doing the same thing with my ex. He was going through a depression. He randomly developed insomnia, anxiety, stomach issues and fell behind in his college classes, had to quit one of his two jobs. It wasn't a good time. There were a few times he would say I deserved better than him and why would I want to be with him (he had put me through some sh*t with lying, cheating and I forgave and took him back…) I tried to say what I could and do what i could to make him feel worthy and that i didnt WANT somebody “better” and all I wanted was him and that he could be a good person and it will be okay.

Ultimately, our relationship ended after 2.5years. YOU CANNOT CHANGE SOMEBODY. I feel like, as women, we want to change our man to be the ideal image of a “man” that we have embedded in our heads. As one of Eddie's articles states, we see the POTENTIAL of a man and what he COULD be in a relationship and for some reason we cling onto that. What is so difficult about seeing somebody for who they really are? Why is it that we sugarcoat somebody's bad traits and try to justify them? It's incredible how the human mind works like that. But to get to my point, your man is who he is. You cannot make him change or be the person you think he is capable of being. If he really wanted to make changes, he would. You've pointed out to him that h can be a good person and that it's alright to love, but he's having a hard time with those things. It makes your situation a little more difficult since youhave a child with him, but you need to think about your child…If he's into drugs why do you want your child exposed to that? Is it really worth it to you? I think your child should come as number one and you take your time away from this guy. Give this guy the ultimatum: either he gets his life together and you guys can all try to be a family, or you leave.

Oh, and the fact that he doesnt like your older child..that is NOT okay. I come from a family where my stepmom hated me…because i reminded her of my mom and she despised my mom. I STILL have some anger towards my dad for allowing my stepmom to treat me the way she did. I always vowed that I will NEVER be with somebody that dislikes my child, especially since I lived in that situation.

Please think about your children. There are so many men out there. It's never easy to move on when you are in love, but your children should be your motivation.

Anon

My boyfriend broke up with me because of his religion – he's not supposed to have a girlfriend, at least not when he's younger. He broke up saying he still loved me and that we were “allowed to like each other”. I obviously wasn't sure what that meant at first.
I've pretty much accepted that it's over (it happened about 3 months ago), but we haven't exactly established that fact officially. Should I try to talk to him about that and settle the breakup for good? If so, how should I do that?

http://lovesagame.com Eddie Corbano

I am sorry to hear that.

This is actually quite often that people who love each other broke up because of religion. As much as I understand that I strongly believe that love stands above everything, certainly above all social conventions.

But, I read in your next comment that you never really loved him, so honestly… I wouldn't contact him again.

Lisa

It's only been 7 hours since I have not contacted my ex. I don't think I've stopped crying since then :/
He was my first love. My first everything. We were the closest two people on earth.. he was my absolute best friend. I literally had never been attracted to ANY one else in my life but him. I felt as if I could be myself with him. We were together for almost two years.
We've broken up a few times because he lied a lot about talking to his ex, who he has a child with. He was sickly obsessed with her when we first started dating and he was weaned off of it. She is married and they slept together while she was before him and I got together. She manipulated him and made him sign away the rights to his child.
She was supposed to move in with his mother because her husband finally realized what she was doing with guys who just got out of a jail.
He broke up with me when he learned she was moving in with his mom so that he could see his son.
We didn't have many other problems prior to this issue.
I'm 18 and pregnant and he just left me like I was nothing.
He told me everything was my fault.. that her was moving in with his mom because her husband contacted me and wanted to know if she cheated. And I said yes.
Because of the HORRIBLE living conditions his mom is in, the kids would be in danger of being taken away if they lived with his mom.

I admit I was cruel to him for breaking up with me for them. He was picking a girl who left him when she was pregnant, cheated on him multiple times, AND made him sign away the rights to his child so he couldn't see him anymore. He chose them over the girl that loved him more than anyone and only wanted the best for him.

I have never been in love before and I think I am dying. I don't eat but maybe something small once a day and I hate dreaming because he's always there.

Before all this mess he was absolutely wonderful and we loved just being in the same room with each other. All our problems went away as soon as we were together.

He told me to contact him January 2 to discuss a non court ordered child support deal. He said he can't envision himself with anyone else but me and he won't be with anyone else. He wants to be alone. He said this distance will make him miss me more and he's scared that it will make me hate him more.

I'm so confused. We broke up because of possible complications from him seeing his son. (His ex said you can't see your son unless you break up with your girlfriend) I still love him and he supposedly still loves me. I don't understand why we are broken up and I don't know how to handle myself.

It is such a struggle to just stay alive. I have never been so pathetic in my life and I battled cancer last year. This feels a million times worse than that.

I just want to pick up the phone and ask him why we are waiting. Why aren't we together?

I made the mistake of making him my world. Everything revolved around him.

Now I'm completely alone and with child. This wasn't the way it was supposed to be
93 broker

hi, nice to meet you and welcome to the blog, i read your post and had to reply, I was in the exact same situation but on opposite sides, the girl who i was engaged to for the same period of time just up and left me because we were in a VERY similur cycle as to you, i did all the things your ex did to begging her to come back, winning her back a few times etc… keep in mind we were offically engaged, than she just freaked out, she is 20 and me 26 and i think she was just too young for that type of life…she wants to travel go out to clubs etc… as for myself im trying to secure a good future and work my 9-5 while doing night school, so we were obviouly at very differant places in our life, she left me don t get me wrong im devestated but i want to learn from what has been the most painful thing i had to go through in life so far….anyways to the point, DO NOT MAKE THIS MISTAKE! if your guy was good and hands down you knowing you could work it out with him why lose it over pride..or over arguements that really could be fixed, if he is not cheating or banging some girl on the side than all problems can be fixed in relationships as long as the main objective (you getting married ) isn t compromised, than yea… put in the effort, you can t just abandon ship when things get rough…take the bullit and fix it. trust me it only get harder with time, you will miss him alot more when you know he has moved on and forgot about you… but this is only advice if you are on the marriage level and you are sure its your life partner, if not and its just some guy you were dating… well who cares about him than, and i would say sorry for your situation and hope you get better soon,
93 broker

friends,

The last 3 days have been rough on me, im constantly at war with myself to not break the No-Contact rule, and so far have not broken it, it has been 3 weeks… The girl who i was engaged to seems to have moved on just fine, goes out , does her own thing and just left me devestated, she has my name tatooed on her and just went from being pure in love with me, promises she would never leave given any situation to just abandoning me on my 26th birthday…. I have never felt so sad and miserable for this long period of time, I put everything i had and could in this girl and she still left me, I asked her if there would ever be a chance between us again she just turned her head side to side… regardless the NC rule has helped me get my ambition back, to fill in all the alone time i have I work extra hours at the job, go to the gym and hang out with old friends who help me out through this…I basically found a life coach…a friend who is and always has done well for himself, does everything from creating a new financial plan for myself , career orintation, how to get my “game” back…. i suffered major loss of confidence since my ex murdered my heart… I remember meeting this absolute bombshell while at work, while being engaged to my ex, after 20min with her talking about the products she needed (no flirting) when she left , came back 10min later, gave me her name , number and said I should call her (keep in mind this NEVER happens to me, im not brad pitt nor drive some ferrari) but im good at my job and in sales.I smiled, laughed and told her I was engaged, however wanted to introduce her to my brother (we are twins… he is 10min older though..)and that was that… fast fwd 2 weeks later, I get dumped and right away call her as a means of survival, we went out twice she had a great time, but because i was so caught up in my ex…it felt like cheating, so i never called her back, …. the issue of the story is I have lost my game, even when i try to go on dates, i always miss my fiancee and just cant manage to be myself, im not looking to get any hook up deal or a no strings only… I actually liked the idea of getting married and spending the rest of my days on earth with that one person who has your back regardless..all the people that were in our circle just tell me the truth now that me and her are not together, they were surprised when they met her, she is a bit overweight, beautiful face though and they always just said I always did much better…but as long as i was happy everyone was quiet, my new problem is knowing you could do better, are better, and is just more dedicated in all the things you do… why is it i find myslef soooo hung up on her, loss of confidence that was never an issue growing up. I am doing everything i can to better myself, gym, work, even am going to do a major make over here come spring when the new body is out etc… I borderline harass God to help me out, and things have been hard, everywhere i go im reminded of things we did, we live ten minutes away from one another and she works next to my house near the local mall so chances are high we run into one another, i transfered locations of my work place just not to run into her, her bestfriend works with me, tells me updates when i spy, has no new man in her life and just tells her im not ready for a relationship and garbage like that, worst is i dont even think she misses me, its been a month going on 2 and i have random times when i just go nuts in my head…. guys how do we get passed all of this, it hurts like crazy, and im not use to it….I hate my feelings..i always used logic, but my feelings are kicking my ass just now… lol, and yes God bless Eddie for this forum, it has helped me out and makes me feel better knowing i can vent anytime… my goal is get better, become an updated version of me, find the love of my life, be happy and come back on here and share to everyone how I did it…. only thing keeping me going is knowing im on the right track to better myself, love all you guys, things will get better
http://lovesagame.com Eddie Corbano

This seems to be an amazing book (never seen so many positive reviews), thanks for the recommendation.

Eddie
Jess

I had a relapse today. Its almost a month and I thought I was recovering but out of sudden I wake up this morning missing so much of him. Even have stupid thoughts of going back to him. After much crying and careful thinking, I give up. But this is affecting my work and my life. Please please I need to get out of this. I cant control my emotion. Can someone help. I am still hoping very much that he will call.
Jess

I had a relapse today. Its almost a month and I thought I was recovering but out of sudden I wake up this morning missing so much of him. Even have stupid thoughts of going back to him. After much crying and careful thinking, I give up. But this is affecting my work and my life. Please please I need to get out of this. I cant control my emotion. Can someone help. I am still hoping very much that he will call.
Todd

My ex and I dated for only 6 weeks, and in that short time I got her pregnant. I know, total reckless stupidity, but it is what it is. She shut down as soon as she found out, and we broke up. Its been 3 weeks and she is letting me go to her appointments with her, but I still have feelings for her and I have an instinct to take care of her because she is pregnant with my kid. She has no desire to make things work, and does not talk to me other than stuff about her pregnancy. I want to stop talking to her and only go to her appointments and be there for my kid, but I cant get her out of my head, and I hate the fact that we won’t be together with a kid on the way. Should I go about no contact (except for appointments)? Why the hell am I thinking about someone whom I dated for only 6 weeks?
Claudette

This makes SO much sense. I’m still going through my most recent break up and held true to the no-contact rule. Unfortunately, my ex-the dumper, ironically- did not. I felt like I had moved so far in those few days of being alone and getting all the emotions out but it all came crashing back down on me and I can’t help but send these awfully passive-aggressive responses back to his attempts to meet with me. Today I finally broke down, officially back to square one. No contact is so so so essential to healing but it’s just so hard when he’s still reaching out to me and I see him everyday. This website though was truly a blessing in giving me some direction in where to go from here.
Astra

Wow, you described my ex to a t. You’re doing good to get out after 1.5 years. I hung on for seven, and I discovered that even though someone can change some behaviors, their core and motivations never really change, so the same problems surface in another way. I totally understand what you feel and why it’s so hard to leave. He seems to have something magnetic that about him that makes it so hard to leave … and the highs are sooo high … but the lows are sooo low. It’s like being on a roller coaster, and if you’re on it too long it makes you sick. Still, for those of us who are addicted to the rush, it is also, well, addicting. I’m still struggling myself. Hang in there.
Jess

4get

You are so right. I’m in a total mess now. Emotional breakdown yesterday after meeting him up for a drink. I hate it hate it hate it. I hate myself so much for still loving such a useless married man. Can someone please scold and knock some sense into me. He lie to his wife to come out and meet me. We have not had sex but i know in time he is going to use me for sex. And once the wife got to know of it again, he will give me the cold shoulder and i will be in even deeper shit. Please please before i do something wrong further knock some sense into me.
Allenerin1985

My situation is a typical one. My ex boyfriend dumped me out of the blue after two years of being together. He never really said why all the way. All he said was that he doesn’t want to play daddy to my kids anymore eventhough HE is the one who asked my kids to call him daddy. Very cruel if you ask me. I stuck to the no contact rule for a few months, then ultimately ended up texting him some mean and nasty stuff just to make him mad. I wanted him to hurt just like he hurt me. I am very good at insulting people if I feel provoked in any way. Especially with my ex, I know how to push his buttons, eventhough I am still in love with him. He will somtimes reply to my texts if they’re mean enough. I end up feeling bad for the things I say, but at the time I really don’t give a rats ass. We talk so much shit to each other it’s ridiculous. I currently still live in the house that he owns because I don’t feel like I should have to move out just because he can’t stand to be around me. Here’s the funny part: After he ended things between us, he moved out claiming that I forced him out of his own house. That’s utterly preposterous!! How can I force him out if he is the one who owns the house?? He moved out of his own free will. I told him I wasn’t going to move out of his house unless he evicts me. It’s been four months since he moved out and he still has not tried to evict me. If he hates me so badly then why hasn’t he tried to evict me? It doesn’t make sense. Does he still love me deep down or did he move out because it’s just easier than having to go through an eviction process. I really want him back, but maybe he really is through with me for good. It’s driving me crazy. Point being: If he wants me out of his house and out of his life forever, why won’t he just evict me. It’s a weird situation. Is there anything I can do to make him realize dumping me was a mistake? I’m so drained by all of this. Any advice?????
Anonymous

Hey!

My ex and I broke up 3 weeks ago. I am feeling pretty crappy because he wasn’t
clear with me when he broke up with me, and then we went out for drinks and he
treated me like I was his “buddy”. It felt terrible, and the next day
I texted him “please do not contact me”.

I texted him the next day after he was like “please talk to me”. I
wrote a text I did not mean to send but unfortunatly I sat on my phone (hours
after writing, it should have been keypad locked!) and it sent. I re-iterated
the next day to please not contact me.

I called him a week later to ask for “clarity”. He said he was
“confused”. I was feeling really bad about that but did not contact
him.

Last Thursday he sends me this text: “please be patient with me. i am
sorry”

That text angered me so much. He stringing me along and also gets to apologize,
seriously?!Broken I called him on Friday and he did not
answer. I sent him a text saying “Got your text, we need to talk. Please
call me tomorrow”

He did not respond until Tuesday late night saying “Maybe we can meet
Thursday to talk. I am sorry for delaying.” I texted him telling him I was
busy Thursday, but free Friday early evening. He texted me at 5pm Friday saying
when was good for me, I told him I was busy. (I made other plans when I didn’t
hear from him!).

And here is where I get really mad at myself:

I texted him saying “how about tomorrow?” I was really upset and
wanted clarity from him but knew better than to engage with him at all, just
making this easier for him and harder for me. He was like sure we can meet
tomorrow.

I was really upset and went for a walk and decided I did not want to meet with
him. I texted him: “I thought about it and I do not want to meet”

He texted me: “Okay well that probably signifies the end then. I am sorry
we could not talk”

That made me feel so angry and sad. It gets worse: I texted him back “I do
want to talk”

We then had the Worst text conversation for my self-respect. He was like
“I love you but this aint working. we will figure this out but it needs
time when tensions have eased”

I texted him “I don’t feel tension.” “I think we do need to
talk”

He repeated “please leave me be for awhile”

I repeated: “We need to meet and talk”

He responded with flippant remarks like “do your thing” and then
“the ball is in your court” So I said “Lets meet tomorrow as
planned”

He said “No promises. Please stop texting me”

Why I’m angry about this is because I knew better than to be in touch with him
at all from day one, and I feel I have made it easier for him and also made him
respect me less, and me respecting myself less after this. Yet I know it makes
sense because he was being so unclear (His breakup talk really wasn’t clear
that we were even breaking up).

Writing here to get support. I am not going to contact him ever again and will
not respond if he contacts me, but we have several mutual friends and what I
wanted was:

For him to feel bad for hurting me
To be in NC
Then for him to eventually see that I have moved on and am happier without him

But now I feel like he doesn’t even respect me and feel less respect for myself
so harder to move on. Any advice on how to regain any power and respect back in
this situation? How to still get my three goals above?

Love to all and good luck with NC.
Penney777

My long-time partner and I broke up at the end of September — I moved out on him from frustration with everything … I was going to initiate the breakup but I offered staying together if he wanted to. He said yes …. then a few weeks later he went on a trip with a friend of ours and dumped me for her.
I was not aware of the “no-contact” rule until I started surfing sites like this one a couple of weeks ago. Before then, right after he dumped me, it was pure hell for the first 3 weeks because he did not contact me at all. I was used to him calling/texting me every day, lol. I began to get used to not communicating wth him … then one day he texted me out of the blue. I started texting him back. It was just small talk, but the communication was still dangerous because it gave me false hopes. He has texted me twice since. I decided to follow the no-contact rule once and for all. I emailed him tonight, asking that he text me no more, for my healing. It is just impossible to be friends with him right now … perhaps in a few years or so. Now I need my no-contact coccoon … lol