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About The Necessity Of No-Contact

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The no-contact rule is the most discussed rule in the whole break up recovery field. You only need to check out the comment section of my article The Secret of How To Get Over a Break Up to see examples.

People know that the rule is essential, but are constantly fighting it – looking for loopholes to break it – which is understandable. Others, however, are reporting that the only thing that helped them to get over their Exes was following that particular rule.

It’s the most important precondition to healing from a break up or divorce.

I actually talk about this in detail in my free newsletter , but I just wanted to add some small things.

The problem with this rule is that we do not recognize its urgency in the beginning.  We only begin to understand after we have had some bad experiences with this “friend thing”.

Why do we aspire to stay friends with our Exes, even though we sense that it’s bad for us?

Let’s examine the “Dumpers” and “Dumpees” separately:

1. The “Dumpees”:

The dumpee wants to stay friends for the obvious reason: they don’t want to lose their Ex. If they can’t be with them as romantic partners, then why not as friends? This way they will be still around, and maybe it can be as close to as it was before. The secret hope is that they can turn them around somehow and get back together again.

I’m sorry to say that I have BAD news for you: It doesn’t work this way.

You really don’t want this for various reasons:

  • The dumpers WILL treat you as a friend! Are you really prepared for that?
  • They may take advantage of you for occasional sex without commitment, (this is especially true for male dumpers).
  • You will have certain expectations they certainly can’t fulfill – you love them, but your Ex doesn’t return the feelings.
  • You will constantly be looking for “signs” that there is still a chance, (this will destroy you in the long run).
  • It will prolong, if not prevent your healing.

2. The “Dumpers”:

The dumper wants to stay friends for nearly the same reasons, only their motivation is different:

  • They often want you around because they also don’t want to lose you.
  • They want you as a safe fallback if something goes wrong in their lives, (if their new girl/boyfriend dumps them unexpectedly).
  • Some want you still for occasional sex.
  • They want to make it “easier for you”, (which of course backfires).
  • They want to be around to “help” you.

Are these all legitimate reasons?

The Solution

The best thing a “Dumper” can do for the “Dumpee” is to refuse to maintain contact any longer. It’s easier for them to do so in the beginning, and it’s a sacrifice for their own good.

If you are the “Dumpee”, then make it clear to yourself that you don’t need another talk, you don’t need closure – all you need to know is that it’s over. You will realize the reasons for the break up, if not immediately, then after some time has passed.

This of course hurts like hell, but ultimately it’s better and easier for both parties.

Think about this.

Maybe you will have to make YOUR own experiences, maybe you will have to realize the hard way which choice is the better one – we often learn better by making mistakes.

Either way, I don’t want you to beat yourself up. See this decision as a milestone on your way to independence and happiness. A way that will be hard and rocky at times, but ultimately you will be proud of yourself, because you’ve made it!

Your friend,
Eddie

, , ,

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303 Responses to About The Necessity Of No-Contact

  1. Ugh September 18, 2010 at 3:11 am #

    It's been 4 days since I last had contact with my girlfriend. We were together for 2 years(almost.) She broke up with me 2 weeks ago, 2 weeks right before our anniversary…. and she found a new girlfriend after only 5 days of leaving me. She hasn't told me about this new girlfriend yet but I found out 4 days ago via facebook. Ugh. I will not check her facebook anymore. The first week and a half of our break up I stooped to a new low.. I cried, and begged for her to take me back. I told her that I would change, and become a better person for her. All of this very embarassing. So anyway, I haven't contacted her in 4 days. But she has been sending me text messages the last 4 days wondering how I am doing, and asking me why I am ignoring her. It's really hard not to message her back. I want to tell her that I know all about this new relationship she is in…and ask her how the hell could she replacement so quickly.. she has blocked her relationship status, and posts from me but I found out about this new girlfriend anyway. I don't think I'm getting very far with this no contact thing. Because all I do is think about what I want to tell her, I even write drafts on my cell but never send her the texts. Two weeks ago she told me she was completely drained from me.. She said that I did not give her enough attention, that i was too depressed, that i was too boring, that she wanted me to want to spend more time with her, she wanted me to become more independent, and to improve myself before she will take me back. She was really clingy in the relationship but now it seems that I am the clingy one… I'm always thinking about her, and thinking about my fault in the demise of the relationship. The worst thing is that she told me that she would take me back as soon as I get myself together… but how can she mean that when it took her 5 days to find a replacement.. this overweight, party-girl rebound… my complete opposite. Oh my f-ing jesus. I am so PISSED OFF at her right now. But I still love her so very much that I just don't know what to do with myself. I want her to take me back.. but this seems irreparable… after completely replacing me after 5 days of our breakup…I just don't even want to be her friend anymore even.. I just want to be over her, and move on with life……………………

  2. Alexzarate98 September 27, 2010 at 5:42 pm #

    i need some help pls my ex wont stop calling me even when i have told her clearly that i dont wanna keep in touch no more but she insists she doesnt want to be with me for sure but she still wont stop callin me and this hurts bc i still want her back and have feelings and at the same time improve self love so any advice would be appreciated

  3. SomewhereInTheMiddle October 5, 2010 at 6:39 pm #

    Eddie,

    Alright. Here's the problem. My ex boyfriend broke up with me a month ago today. We dated for a year and a half. It was pretty unexpected. For the next two weeks, he still came over like we were dating. I'm disapponted in myself for letting him use me that way. I thought, any part of him is better than no part, right? Wrong. I finally woke up and told him to completely leave me alone…no texts, no phone calls, no coming over…nothing. I deleted our pictures from online and blocked him as a friend on facebook…along with his two sisters so I wouldn't be tempeted to look at all. The problem? We both go to the same college and we are both Resident Advisors in the same building…therefore we live together and work together and I see him every single day. Desk hours, staff meetings, staff developments, just coming in and out of the building…every single day. He feels this gives us license to put all this behind us and be best friends and he doesn't understand that I'm trying to piece my life back together. I'm over the sad part, I'm over the panic part and now I'm just mad that he broke all his promises to me and how he ended things. He doesn't understand this at all. I don't want to talk and be friends and hang out and act like nothing happened. Why can't he understand that by keeping this up is only killing me? I don't know how else to say leave me alone before he gets it.

  4. Katherine October 25, 2010 at 11:09 am #

    Ok so I FAILED miserably at my latest attempt of no contact…. my situation is difficult because my ex and I share a 7 month child. Here is the basics…we have been toggether for 2 years, he has a drug problem (pills) and he is verbally abusive, I don't exactly trust him alone with my baby as he does drugs….but i still want them to have a relationship as he is TRYING to get help. I love him and I have been spending (sorry…wasting) all this time to try to make him see that it is alright to love, that he can be a good person, but it is NOT WORKING.. and instead it is just turning me into a bad person.

    I was once a positive, outgoing, friendly and upbeat person. I loved making new friends and trying new things…he changed that! I don't know HOW but it happened..I don't blame him for the change really it was my fault but I changed and I hate what I have become.

    Should be simple when it is here in black and white, but its not that simple. Everytime I start to get over him and accept that we are done, there he is back in my face and I crumble instantly!!! I wish I could just stop. Add to this long list of negative issues the fact that he “hates” my older child and I should be easily running for the hills…so why am I still here????

    I am going to try the no-contact thing again, but it is difficult for me to do…..

    • Mandaholaway November 8, 2010 at 1:58 pm #

      This particularly stuck out to me: “all this time to try to make him see that it is alright to love, that he can be a good person, but it is NOT WORKING”

      I tried doing the same thing with my ex. He was going through a depression. He randomly developed insomnia, anxiety, stomach issues and fell behind in his college classes, had to quit one of his two jobs. It wasn't a good time. There were a few times he would say I deserved better than him and why would I want to be with him (he had put me through some sh*t with lying, cheating and I forgave and took him back…) I tried to say what I could and do what i could to make him feel worthy and that i didnt WANT somebody “better” and all I wanted was him and that he could be a good person and it will be okay.

      Ultimately, our relationship ended after 2.5years. YOU CANNOT CHANGE SOMEBODY. I feel like, as women, we want to change our man to be the ideal image of a “man” that we have embedded in our heads. As one of Eddie's articles states, we see the POTENTIAL of a man and what he COULD be in a relationship and for some reason we cling onto that. What is so difficult about seeing somebody for who they really are? Why is it that we sugarcoat somebody's bad traits and try to justify them? It's incredible how the human mind works like that. But to get to my point, your man is who he is. You cannot make him change or be the person you think he is capable of being. If he really wanted to make changes, he would. You've pointed out to him that h can be a good person and that it's alright to love, but he's having a hard time with those things. It makes your situation a little more difficult since youhave a child with him, but you need to think about your child…If he's into drugs why do you want your child exposed to that? Is it really worth it to you? I think your child should come as number one and you take your time away from this guy. Give this guy the ultimatum: either he gets his life together and you guys can all try to be a family, or you leave.

      Oh, and the fact that he doesnt like your older child..that is NOT okay. I come from a family where my stepmom hated me…because i reminded her of my mom and she despised my mom. I STILL have some anger towards my dad for allowing my stepmom to treat me the way she did. I always vowed that I will NEVER be with somebody that dislikes my child, especially since I lived in that situation.

      Please think about your children. There are so many men out there. It's never easy to move on when you are in love, but your children should be your motivation.

  5. Anon November 9, 2010 at 2:55 am #

    My boyfriend broke up with me because of his religion – he's not supposed to have a girlfriend, at least not when he's younger. He broke up saying he still loved me and that we were “allowed to like each other”. I obviously wasn't sure what that meant at first.
    I've pretty much accepted that it's over (it happened about 3 months ago), but we haven't exactly established that fact officially. Should I try to talk to him about that and settle the breakup for good? If so, how should I do that?

    • Eddie Corbano November 9, 2010 at 10:26 am #

      I am sorry to hear that.

      This is actually quite often that people who love each other broke up because of religion. As much as I understand that I strongly believe that love stands above everything, certainly above all social conventions.

      But, I read in your next comment that you never really loved him, so honestly… I wouldn't contact him again.

  6. Lisa November 15, 2010 at 9:21 pm #

    It's only been 7 hours since I have not contacted my ex. I don't think I've stopped crying since then :/
    He was my first love. My first everything. We were the closest two people on earth.. he was my absolute best friend. I literally had never been attracted to ANY one else in my life but him. I felt as if I could be myself with him. We were together for almost two years.
    We've broken up a few times because he lied a lot about talking to his ex, who he has a child with. He was sickly obsessed with her when we first started dating and he was weaned off of it. She is married and they slept together while she was before him and I got together. She manipulated him and made him sign away the rights to his child.
    She was supposed to move in with his mother because her husband finally realized what she was doing with guys who just got out of a jail.
    He broke up with me when he learned she was moving in with his mom so that he could see his son.
    We didn't have many other problems prior to this issue.
    I'm 18 and pregnant and he just left me like I was nothing.
    He told me everything was my fault.. that her was moving in with his mom because her husband contacted me and wanted to know if she cheated. And I said yes.
    Because of the HORRIBLE living conditions his mom is in, the kids would be in danger of being taken away if they lived with his mom.

    I admit I was cruel to him for breaking up with me for them. He was picking a girl who left him when she was pregnant, cheated on him multiple times, AND made him sign away the rights to his child so he couldn't see him anymore. He chose them over the girl that loved him more than anyone and only wanted the best for him.

    I have never been in love before and I think I am dying. I don't eat but maybe something small once a day and I hate dreaming because he's always there.

    Before all this mess he was absolutely wonderful and we loved just being in the same room with each other. All our problems went away as soon as we were together.

    He told me to contact him January 2 to discuss a non court ordered child support deal. He said he can't envision himself with anyone else but me and he won't be with anyone else. He wants to be alone. He said this distance will make him miss me more and he's scared that it will make me hate him more.

    I'm so confused. We broke up because of possible complications from him seeing his son. (His ex said you can't see your son unless you break up with your girlfriend) I still love him and he supposedly still loves me. I don't understand why we are broken up and I don't know how to handle myself.

    It is such a struggle to just stay alive. I have never been so pathetic in my life and I battled cancer last year. This feels a million times worse than that.

    I just want to pick up the phone and ask him why we are waiting. Why aren't we together?

    I made the mistake of making him my world. Everything revolved around him.

    Now I'm completely alone and with child. This wasn't the way it was supposed to be :(

  7. 93 broker December 4, 2010 at 5:06 am #

    hi, nice to meet you and welcome to the blog, i read your post and had to reply, I was in the exact same situation but on opposite sides, the girl who i was engaged to for the same period of time just up and left me because we were in a VERY similur cycle as to you, i did all the things your ex did to begging her to come back, winning her back a few times etc… keep in mind we were offically engaged, than she just freaked out, she is 20 and me 26 and i think she was just too young for that type of life…she wants to travel go out to clubs etc… as for myself im trying to secure a good future and work my 9-5 while doing night school, so we were obviouly at very differant places in our life, she left me don t get me wrong im devestated but i want to learn from what has been the most painful thing i had to go through in life so far….anyways to the point, DO NOT MAKE THIS MISTAKE! if your guy was good and hands down you knowing you could work it out with him why lose it over pride..or over arguements that really could be fixed, if he is not cheating or banging some girl on the side than all problems can be fixed in relationships as long as the main objective (you getting married ) isn t compromised, than yea… put in the effort, you can t just abandon ship when things get rough…take the bullit and fix it. trust me it only get harder with time, you will miss him alot more when you know he has moved on and forgot about you… but this is only advice if you are on the marriage level and you are sure its your life partner, if not and its just some guy you were dating… well who cares about him than, and i would say sorry for your situation and hope you get better soon, ;)

  8. 93 broker December 5, 2010 at 5:18 pm #

    friends,

    The last 3 days have been rough on me, im constantly at war with myself to not break the No-Contact rule, and so far have not broken it, it has been 3 weeks… The girl who i was engaged to seems to have moved on just fine, goes out , does her own thing and just left me devestated, she has my name tatooed on her and just went from being pure in love with me, promises she would never leave given any situation to just abandoning me on my 26th birthday…. I have never felt so sad and miserable for this long period of time, I put everything i had and could in this girl and she still left me, I asked her if there would ever be a chance between us again she just turned her head side to side… regardless the NC rule has helped me get my ambition back, to fill in all the alone time i have I work extra hours at the job, go to the gym and hang out with old friends who help me out through this…I basically found a life coach…a friend who is and always has done well for himself, does everything from creating a new financial plan for myself , career orintation, how to get my “game” back…. i suffered major loss of confidence since my ex murdered my heart… I remember meeting this absolute bombshell while at work, while being engaged to my ex, after 20min with her talking about the products she needed (no flirting) when she left , came back 10min later, gave me her name , number and said I should call her (keep in mind this NEVER happens to me, im not brad pitt nor drive some ferrari) but im good at my job and in sales.I smiled, laughed and told her I was engaged, however wanted to introduce her to my brother (we are twins… he is 10min older though..)and that was that… fast fwd 2 weeks later, I get dumped and right away call her as a means of survival, we went out twice she had a great time, but because i was so caught up in my ex…it felt like cheating, so i never called her back, …. the issue of the story is I have lost my game, even when i try to go on dates, i always miss my fiancee and just cant manage to be myself, im not looking to get any hook up deal or a no strings only… I actually liked the idea of getting married and spending the rest of my days on earth with that one person who has your back regardless..all the people that were in our circle just tell me the truth now that me and her are not together, they were surprised when they met her, she is a bit overweight, beautiful face though and they always just said I always did much better…but as long as i was happy everyone was quiet, my new problem is knowing you could do better, are better, and is just more dedicated in all the things you do… why is it i find myslef soooo hung up on her, loss of confidence that was never an issue growing up. I am doing everything i can to better myself, gym, work, even am going to do a major make over here come spring when the new body is out etc… I borderline harass God to help me out, and things have been hard, everywhere i go im reminded of things we did, we live ten minutes away from one another and she works next to my house near the local mall so chances are high we run into one another, i transfered locations of my work place just not to run into her, her bestfriend works with me, tells me updates when i spy, has no new man in her life and just tells her im not ready for a relationship and garbage like that, worst is i dont even think she misses me, its been a month going on 2 and i have random times when i just go nuts in my head…. guys how do we get passed all of this, it hurts like crazy, and im not use to it….I hate my feelings..i always used logic, but my feelings are kicking my ass just now… lol, and yes God bless Eddie for this forum, it has helped me out and makes me feel better knowing i can vent anytime… my goal is get better, become an updated version of me, find the love of my life, be happy and come back on here and share to everyone how I did it…. only thing keeping me going is knowing im on the right track to better myself, love all you guys, things will get better ;)

  9. Eddie Corbano December 24, 2010 at 11:33 am #

    This seems to be an amazing book (never seen so many positive reviews), thanks for the recommendation.

    Eddie

  10. Jess January 20, 2011 at 9:43 am #

    I had a relapse today. Its almost a month and I thought I was recovering but out of sudden I wake up this morning missing so much of him. Even have stupid thoughts of going back to him. After much crying and careful thinking, I give up. But this is affecting my work and my life. Please please I need to get out of this. I cant control my emotion. Can someone help. I am still hoping very much that he will call.

    • Dewy January 31, 2013 at 2:15 am #

      Did you break up with him? and why? Silly little reasons that could have been fixed all but the stubborness?…If you “REALLY” love someone..him/her..then go back and fix the problem. Sometimes you have to give the other a chance and be more patient”..If you love someone, you will sacrifice for that love.This excludes any abussive behavior though. Maybe you didnt give him the room to change etc..Relations go BOTH ways. If you want the one YOU love to change, the YOU also have to change!

  11. Jess January 20, 2011 at 9:43 am #

    I had a relapse today. Its almost a month and I thought I was recovering but out of sudden I wake up this morning missing so much of him. Even have stupid thoughts of going back to him. After much crying and careful thinking, I give up. But this is affecting my work and my life. Please please I need to get out of this. I cant control my emotion. Can someone help. I am still hoping very much that he will call.

  12. Todd January 23, 2011 at 7:04 pm #

    My ex and I dated for only 6 weeks, and in that short time I got her pregnant. I know, total reckless stupidity, but it is what it is. She shut down as soon as she found out, and we broke up. Its been 3 weeks and she is letting me go to her appointments with her, but I still have feelings for her and I have an instinct to take care of her because she is pregnant with my kid. She has no desire to make things work, and does not talk to me other than stuff about her pregnancy. I want to stop talking to her and only go to her appointments and be there for my kid, but I cant get her out of my head, and I hate the fact that we won’t be together with a kid on the way. Should I go about no contact (except for appointments)? Why the hell am I thinking about someone whom I dated for only 6 weeks?

  13. Claudette January 24, 2011 at 7:44 am #

    This makes SO much sense. I’m still going through my most recent break up and held true to the no-contact rule. Unfortunately, my ex-the dumper, ironically- did not. I felt like I had moved so far in those few days of being alone and getting all the emotions out but it all came crashing back down on me and I can’t help but send these awfully passive-aggressive responses back to his attempts to meet with me. Today I finally broke down, officially back to square one. No contact is so so so essential to healing but it’s just so hard when he’s still reaching out to me and I see him everyday. This website though was truly a blessing in giving me some direction in where to go from here.

  14. Astra February 5, 2011 at 6:56 pm #

    Wow, you described my ex to a t. You’re doing good to get out after 1.5 years. I hung on for seven, and I discovered that even though someone can change some behaviors, their core and motivations never really change, so the same problems surface in another way. I totally understand what you feel and why it’s so hard to leave. He seems to have something magnetic that about him that makes it so hard to leave … and the highs are sooo high … but the lows are sooo low. It’s like being on a roller coaster, and if you’re on it too long it makes you sick. Still, for those of us who are addicted to the rush, it is also, well, addicting. I’m still struggling myself. Hang in there.

  15. Jess March 17, 2011 at 3:36 am #

    4get

    You are so right. I’m in a total mess now. Emotional breakdown yesterday after meeting him up for a drink. I hate it hate it hate it. I hate myself so much for still loving such a useless married man. Can someone please scold and knock some sense into me. He lie to his wife to come out and meet me. We have not had sex but i know in time he is going to use me for sex. And once the wife got to know of it again, he will give me the cold shoulder and i will be in even deeper shit. Please please before i do something wrong further knock some sense into me.

  16. Allenerin1985 April 8, 2011 at 9:05 am #

    My situation is a typical one. My ex boyfriend dumped me out of the blue after two years of being together. He never really said why all the way. All he said was that he doesn’t want to play daddy to my kids anymore eventhough HE is the one who asked my kids to call him daddy. Very cruel if you ask me. I stuck to the no contact rule for a few months, then ultimately ended up texting him some mean and nasty stuff just to make him mad. I wanted him to hurt just like he hurt me. I am very good at insulting people if I feel provoked in any way. Especially with my ex, I know how to push his buttons, eventhough I am still in love with him. He will somtimes reply to my texts if they’re mean enough. I end up feeling bad for the things I say, but at the time I really don’t give a rats ass. We talk so much shit to each other it’s ridiculous. I currently still live in the house that he owns because I don’t feel like I should have to move out just because he can’t stand to be around me. Here’s the funny part: After he ended things between us, he moved out claiming that I forced him out of his own house. That’s utterly preposterous!! How can I force him out if he is the one who owns the house?? He moved out of his own free will. I told him I wasn’t going to move out of his house unless he evicts me. It’s been four months since he moved out and he still has not tried to evict me. If he hates me so badly then why hasn’t he tried to evict me? It doesn’t make sense. Does he still love me deep down or did he move out because it’s just easier than having to go through an eviction process. I really want him back, but maybe he really is through with me for good. It’s driving me crazy. Point being: If he wants me out of his house and out of his life forever, why won’t he just evict me. It’s a weird situation. Is there anything I can do to make him realize dumping me was a mistake? I’m so drained by all of this. Any advice?????

  17. Anonymous June 20, 2011 at 5:06 pm #

    Hey!

    My ex and I broke up 3 weeks ago. I am feeling pretty crappy because he wasn’t
    clear with me when he broke up with me, and then we went out for drinks and he
    treated me like I was his “buddy”. It felt terrible, and the next day
    I texted him “please do not contact me”.

    I texted him the next day after he was like “please talk to me”. I
    wrote a text I did not mean to send but unfortunatly I sat on my phone (hours
    after writing, it should have been keypad locked!) and it sent. I re-iterated
    the next day to please not contact me.

    I called him a week later to ask for “clarity”. He said he was
    “confused”. I was feeling really bad about that but did not contact
    him.

    Last Thursday he sends me this text: “please be patient with me. i am
    sorry”

    That text angered me so much. He stringing me along and also gets to apologize,
    seriously?!Broken I called him on Friday and he did not
    answer. I sent him a text saying “Got your text, we need to talk. Please
    call me tomorrow”

    He did not respond until Tuesday late night saying “Maybe we can meet
    Thursday to talk. I am sorry for delaying.” I texted him telling him I was
    busy Thursday, but free Friday early evening. He texted me at 5pm Friday saying
    when was good for me, I told him I was busy. (I made other plans when I didn’t
    hear from him!).

    And here is where I get really mad at myself:

    I texted him saying “how about tomorrow?” I was really upset and
    wanted clarity from him but knew better than to engage with him at all, just
    making this easier for him and harder for me. He was like sure we can meet
    tomorrow.

    I was really upset and went for a walk and decided I did not want to meet with
    him. I texted him: “I thought about it and I do not want to meet”

    He texted me: “Okay well that probably signifies the end then. I am sorry
    we could not talk”

    That made me feel so angry and sad. It gets worse: I texted him back “I do
    want to talk”

    We then had the Worst text conversation for my self-respect. He was like
    “I love you but this aint working. we will figure this out but it needs
    time when tensions have eased”

    I texted him “I don’t feel tension.” “I think we do need to
    talk”

    He repeated “please leave me be for awhile”

    I repeated: “We need to meet and talk”

    He responded with flippant remarks like “do your thing” and then
    “the ball is in your court” So I said “Lets meet tomorrow as
    planned”

    He said “No promises. Please stop texting me”

    Why I’m angry about this is because I knew better than to be in touch with him
    at all from day one, and I feel I have made it easier for him and also made him
    respect me less, and me respecting myself less after this. Yet I know it makes
    sense because he was being so unclear (His breakup talk really wasn’t clear
    that we were even breaking up).

    Writing here to get support. I am not going to contact him ever again and will
    not respond if he contacts me, but we have several mutual friends and what I
    wanted was:

    For him to feel bad for hurting me
    To be in NC
    Then for him to eventually see that I have moved on and am happier without him

    But now I feel like he doesn’t even respect me and feel less respect for myself
    so harder to move on. Any advice on how to regain any power and respect back in
    this situation? How to still get my three goals above?

    Love to all and good luck with NC.

  18. Penney777 November 6, 2011 at 5:29 am #

    My long-time partner and I broke up at the end of September — I moved out on him from frustration with everything … I was going to initiate the breakup but I offered staying together if he wanted to. He said yes …. then a few weeks later he went on a trip with a friend of ours and dumped me for her.
    I was not aware of the “no-contact” rule until I started surfing sites like this one a couple of weeks ago. Before then, right after he dumped me, it was pure hell for the first 3 weeks because he did not contact me at all. I was used to him calling/texting me every day, lol. I began to get used to not communicating wth him … then one day he texted me out of the blue. I started texting him back. It was just small talk, but the communication was still dangerous because it gave me false hopes. He has texted me twice since. I decided to follow the no-contact rule once and for all. I emailed him tonight, asking that he text me no more, for my healing. It is just impossible to be friends with him right now … perhaps in a few years or so. Now I need my no-contact coccoon … lol

  19. Julie February 16, 2012 at 6:58 pm #

    When I read all these stories, it really makes me wonder what the hell am I doing to myself. I’ve been with a guy 8yrs, he sees me twice a week at my house, never asks me out, never gets me a card muchless a gift. I gotta say we have great sex. We spend time just finding out what each other is doing, over the phone. I never lime with his friends. I feel that he is ashamed to be seen with me in public. His parents doesnt approve of me cuz I got a son. Now tell me, why do I love this guy so much… when clearly he’s just not that into me..
    I questioned him many times. Asked him to fix it. He hears, never listens. I couldnt take it anymore and i blew a fuse. He thinks I nag him. Funny how he limes till 4am every weekend and Im ok with it. After all what can I do..force him to be with me…
    I truly dont know how stupid I can get…
    Nice to know though that Im not alone. After reading all these comments, I believe I have the strength to not contact him. I know my actions were really poor when I blew the fuse..(I curse him alot).. But I had had enough. Yeah, I know its not just cause for poor behavior.  I cant blame him.. I blame myself for expecting too much…
    Thanks all for reading. Be strong…

  20. Golfgal360 February 18, 2012 at 9:37 am #

    I just found this site.. Been in an on again off again relationship for 5 years.. I have caught him texting/emailing other women.. Caught him in so many lies… He always turns things on me… I’m the problem.. I’m not myself around him, I’m not honest, I’m not a good person, who wouldn’t want to be with him, I’m pathetic, I’m pyscho, I’m crazy… Yes when I call him out on things I’m the crazy one… He always ends it… When I beg that I don’t want it over and lets get thru this.. We have so much to give up… We both have great jobs.. Friends… Our kids get along.. We have similar interests.. Great sex… Etc…. When he’s in control he pushes me away… If I don’t reach out to him it doesn’t take long for him to reach out to me… And then he is kissing my ass… As soon as I take him back and see if we can do this again it’s only a matter of time when his true colors show and we are back to the same crap again… Hes such a con man… People around us see a totally different person than who he really is…I hate how fake he is… But I can’t seem to just walk away although I know it’s for the best… nc in 8 hours… HELP!!! Lol

    • Eddie Corbano February 18, 2012 at 10:26 am #

      Yes, you CAN walk away, you CAN take control and you CAN take your life into your won hands.

      What I can guarantee you is that you will see much clearer after 60 days strict No-Contact. You will know what you really want.

      Hang in there,
      Eddie

  21. Eddie Corbano April 16, 2012 at 8:39 am #

    Well, it seem that something has gone wrong in his new life and he uses you for backup…

  22. lonely April 16, 2012 at 2:09 pm #

    Eddie, 

    Do u think 2 people with different values can be together and have a fulfilling relationship. one is very career oriented and practical while z other one is happy with a normal job n emotional. does this difference eventually backfires on z relationship. n if the relationship is over is it worth chasing it ?

    • Eddie Corbano April 16, 2012 at 5:29 pm #

      Yes, I think that it can be very beneficial for a relationship if the partners have different values. But they should head for the same direction though.

      If a relationship that is over is worth fighting for depends on why it has come to an end. Two things must at least be there: 1. a strong emotional bond and 2. the willingness to work it out.

      Eddie

      • lonely April 17, 2012 at 2:28 am #

        Thanx for replying back Eddie, i guess i shud move on coz he doesnot want to work out thing. its very hard but i have to 

  23. Maya August 10, 2012 at 6:33 pm #

    I broke up with my partner quite a few times. We had always no-contact. But even after 2 years of no-contact as soon as he contacted me with “I still love you, I only now realize what I have lost”, I was with him again. For 20 years now. Now we broke up again. And I want to break up forever. What should I do then now? No contact does not help much…

    • Eddie Corbano August 10, 2012 at 9:02 pm #

      Maya,

      Check your email.

      Eddie

    • Dewy January 31, 2013 at 2:38 am #

      I think you should grow up! Life is too short! 20 yrs? Stay w/him and love him!
      If you want change? then YOU also have to change!

  24. Jackson September 16, 2012 at 6:24 am #

    Someone please help. My problem is not really the ex herself, it’s that I go to the same school as her and even though I am trying to follow the no-contact rule I sometimes see her around the school either between classes or when she walks by my bus stop. Its been about a year since the breakup so I don’t think I could talk about the space issues with her (partly because our relationship was very short, but for some reason I felt connected), write her a letter or anything like that. Because you know how highschool is and rumors could start that I’m desperate or something, and school is just alot easier to do without things like rumors floating about. Anyway what I’m trying to say is that how can I deal with seeing her on some school days, and how do I respond when she smiles and says “hi” to me as I walk past her in the halls. I don’t want to ignore her and seem like a jerk because even though I don’t want her as a friend I feel I should still treat her with some kind of respect. Please someone help because tomorrow I’ll be going back to school again and I will probably see her. Thank you!

  25. emug January 15, 2013 at 6:11 am #

    I had contact with my ex for 3 weeks following a devastating breakup. I felt like a FOOL. Thus, I went NO CONTACT. She cheated on me, and is/was in a committed relationship with the guy she cheated on me with. I have had 5 months of NO CONTACT, and feel better everyday. But, the great thing is she has been texting me, emailing me and sending facebook messages every week since. However, I have not and will not respond. I got my power back, as well as my confidence. I became annoyed with her lack of boundrys behavior, and changed my phone number, email address and blocked her from facebook. I have no doubt that I came out the winner. NO CONTACT is the ONLY solution to healing and winning your self respect and confidence back.

  26. Power back February 1, 2013 at 3:33 pm #

    I have recently been broken up for almost 4 weeks. He was the one that sent me a text saying it was over. We are in a ldr but have been making it work. Or so I thought. He would not answer my phone calls and texts. He started to reply with he needs time and that he just is not a good person. He would put sad songs on Fb and posts to get under my skin so I decided to block him.
    I left him alone and stopped all contact, he then text me about some random question, I never replied back for 3 days. On the 4th day I replied with the answer he text straight back with. “Delayed” I told him I had been busy. Nothing else for 2 days, then sends me a song glycerin to listen to. Y after all this time send me that? I was doing so well and I just started texting. He told me You completely missed the meaning of that song. I’m never gonna change. Im just a not a good person. I’m just damaged.
    Well hell I already knew that! Lol y send it to me to remind me of how screwed up he is? We got into a texting argument and I let him know that I would be going to his moms house to return his promise ring and some cloths. He seemed to get mad and pretty much told me that his family are mad at me. He knew that would devastate me. I have known them for 2 years and adore them all, I have been the only gf that they have accepted and loved. His mom would even text and tell me she still loved and missed me and I was welcome anytime.
    Y does he still hurt me? I told him I would keep away, then he text me don’t you dare turn your back on my family. I blocked his phone number from my phone so I did not have to deal with it any more. I’m trying to move on, I deleted all his family from Fb and have not replied to his mom.
    I sent his stuff and my ring back via mail to his moms house. He is a 32 year old man that should be more adult. He broke up with me in a text and has not picked up the phone once to talk to me, yet he is so angry at me?? I want to understand his actions so I can stop blaming myself.
    I still live him and even moved to be closer, he will be back in the area in a month or so and I want to be stronger and gain back my power that I so weakly gave to him.

  27. Mike February 3, 2013 at 5:27 pm #

    Hey Eddie,

    Ive been dating the love of my life on and off for about 2 years. this is the longest we have been together about 6 months and we are completely in love. there was a year that we werent together and she had a rough life between drugs, even doing porn to feed her addiction and past pain. she moved to hawaii with some abusive drug addict with a kid that she still to this day claims that she only used to get to hawaii because she needed to escape. its been a year later, everything is fine and our life is on track and we live together. However, this guy emails her every now and then trying to get back into her life. i trust her and i know its over and it will never happen again because hes in hawaii and we’re thousands of miles away, but its a respect issue. he abused her and treated her terribly and i have treated her more precious than gold, i dont believe this ex deserves the right to try and contact her, so i emailed him telling him politely to stop contacting her she’s not interested. did i do the right thing? or did i just end up looking insecure? please help!

  28. Annie February 4, 2013 at 12:35 pm #

    Gosh, did i ruined everything?
    I was with my ex for 9 years and we broke up month ago. Ex told me he wants to follow his dreams, he just dont what are those dreams… He is also interested about someone else and wants to figure out, what to do with that woman. :/

    First days after broke up i`ll keep texting almost daily. For the last 3 weeks i`ve been texting once a week. I want him back so badly. Im willing to forgive him, cause i kind of understand he didnt do this on purpose. Did i ruined my change already by contacting him? :(

    Feels bad that during the break up i also understood some of my own problems. No i know what them are, but its too late to show “the new me” and progress i made… to one that i love :/.

  29. Jennifer February 7, 2013 at 11:47 am #

    I was in a long distance relationship with a guy that says he was completely in love with me. I was too but I never see him we are in two different states. he has his problems and I help him through them and I was the only one there for him. But he has his friends, ladies and men. I hear mainly about the lady friends like there is a specific one I focused on not going to mention names but she liked him. I don’t completely know the details because I’m not there but he texted me like normal saying I love you but then he said he had to go and so I was like ok! But then hours later I text him and he’s upset. Because he said he had cheated on me and he feels bad he wants to kill himself. I just wanted answers but he told me it was the girl that liked him that is also his best friend. He then says he will talk to me soon but then hours again and I text him and he says he’s at this girls house. I said oh…. he then said we are dating now and I was like what? Then the now girlfriend takes the phone and says to leave him alone and how he is hers now. Worst thing ever! It was so random he said he loved me and I know he meant that and he was all sad but now he’s just in a relationship now? I’m so confused and now he won’t talk to me. What’s the deal? How can he just throw me away like that?

  30. Joseph March 1, 2013 at 1:30 am #

    well im 15 and i know your probably thinking that im too young to know what love is well i know that its more than a feeling and its a bond you feel. well my girlfriend or ex girlfriend told me right after valentines day that she has never been in love with me that it was just an infatuation well this really hurt soo bad. I told her id let her go so i broke up painfully. Ive tried to be strong and let her go but i started talking to her and begging her to get back and she always turn me down and say that we are not getting back together and that we should just stay friends. We had been together for 5 months which i know its not long but it is enough time to let feelings grow. I just been through a real hell recently and im trying to move on but i have the punishment of having to see her smile at school. Even though i have been avoiding her and not talking to her here recently. My friends tell me she doesnt look as happy so i called her 3 days ago and asked if she re thought but she said that she just felt really bad that she hurt me so bad, but im not entirely sure. I ve been on the no contact rule for 2 days and i just wondered what you thought Mr. Eddie

  31. manda March 4, 2013 at 2:30 am #

    I remember that I am not only hurting myself, but, in my case, the ex. It is not fair to hurt us BOTH more than we hurt already. So, even when I want to lash out or just say hi, I think about how I would feel and have felt if I were to receive contact. It helps me stay contact free because I am putting the needs of someone else in the equation. He did it to me and I am not going to make him feel how I did.

  32. laura March 8, 2013 at 6:01 pm #

    Hello

    Need to know, he is 30
    I am 27
    I run my own estate agency , drive white bmw
    He has been unemployed ror 7 years now, insured in his dads car

    My story goes like this, I met my bf when I was 14,I had a hard time in school and he was the first boy that really caught my eye so, I , went for him. We dated on and off for two years and bear in mind during this time, my parents did not know about him nor hsi parents me as he was three years older.

    As we grew closer and closer our dates seemed to be cinema, and outside, we live in the country and or meals out. This however (the cinema and meals out continued up to the present 13 years togeather)

    During this time, I did not really socialise much and he was never really into dancing ect after 19. He would go up to his friends a lot during the week in the first 2-4 years as we only saw eachother at the weekends,but a I did not really get on with his friends, I would call up to see him 5 mile away , and wait in his room whilst he meaby went to see his mate. Odd I know, but as we didnt involve ourselves with the same people this is how it played out.

    So after nearly 8 years of me running up to him, I got fed up and started to complain and say will this ever change, we still dont really like going out, as he was one vwey outgoing but then developed eplilpsy , which dinted his confidence and stopped him from working at 22. This led to HIM leaving me for 1 month and going with on and off girls, I foolishly still came up for sex then he showed me the door.
    After this and 8 years to present , take out last 6 motnhs

    he was the most loving bf, always gave me cards on special occassions
    Found ways to get money when he was broke all to buy me giftts
    Told me he loved me EVERY DAY
    Gave me hugs
    NEVER LIFTED a finger to me
    Though becauase of his situation and low self esteem, bear in mind he is very smart and was a very good manual worker, he was diagnosed with depression , and anytime he hinted at leaving OR that we had a fight I always felt the need in me to RUN after him ”just incase, he went ahead and killed himself” this was ALL the time, as he spoke of this constantly

    So one day I thought, im not socalising and hes getting worse, and I contacted his old buddy.

    the CRACKS SHOW
    He always wanted to go down
    started to say its not about you anymore, i need to help my friend

    Its like over night he forgot I basically nursed him,not that it is his fault im realsing now I did.
    But it lead to us putting the key in our first apartment that day, to having a fight and him jsut give me the SILENCE treatment for 2 whole weeks say he was sorry, I went running
    HE GAVE US 4 DAYS left again saying ,he cant offer me what I need and hes WORTHLESS.

    so another 2 weeks no contact , to being MATES seeing eachother on and off and him being very helpgul with em moving

    UNTIL

    I start texting saying i feel so bad after a death in the family where are you I thought we were friends,,

    low and behold he is down at his male mates and keeping very busy decorating and this ofcourse must be taking his mind off me, as he has text THIS ISNT going to work

    SO i feel useless and no longer the strong one, pretty stupid, but you know what I didnt expect much yet Im still saying and I couldnt care less what other say on this as depression is an illness, that it is the illness (only his reactions and changes in behavior) this prob is the end ive told him i DONT want money and im fine with me making the money , but I can understand this is hard for a man, yet if he really loved me would he let me go?

    who knows

  33. victoria March 10, 2013 at 3:48 am #

    thanks eddie…unfortunately i always made the same mistake not sticking to the no contact rule as you can read in my comment here: http://lovesagame.com/have-you-made-these-mistakes-after-your-relationship-break-up/comment-page-5/#comment-25344 …. :/ yeah.. he and i took advantage of each other without commitment…and i honestly couldn’t do it…i was in love… he was not….

  34. Shalini March 20, 2013 at 2:34 pm #

    Hi Eddie

    My relationship with my Ex was for 5 years. He abused me mentally and physically. I am a very ambitious girl, but during my exam days he would fight with me and block my phone number. I needed him the most at that time. Also he abused me earlier, saying all bad things, as to unnecessarily linking me up with my friends and my boss.

    So i got upset and went on a college trip with my friends. As he would be mad at me, I did not tell him about it. After few days, he got to know abt it. He got really wild in anger and he abused me physically and mentally too.

    I decided to break up. Please tell me was I right in this decision? Cos he manipulated my mind and blamed me always for his anger, I ve started to think it was all my fault. Its been a month that I ve broken up with him. I was following the NO-CONTACT RULE……since 1 month after our break up. But 2 days ago, I did a big blunder. I made a fake ID on facebook….added him as a friend and started talking to him. He told me everything about his relationship but he blamed the girl (thats me) to be a liar, which forced him to hit her.

    What should I do now? I feel that I am stuck again in this. I broke my new contact, only to learn that he still blames me. What should I do? Please help me Eddie

  35. Savannah March 21, 2013 at 7:38 pm #

    Hi Eddie,

    I know this is an old thread, but I stumbled upon it trying to find help and it was exactly what I was looking for. I agree 100% with the no-contact rule. I am 17, and though I am young, I was completely in love with my ex-boyfriend. We dated for about a year and a month. I was attracted to his personality way, way before I was attracted to his looks. Three years ago, he came up to me in a park and introduced himself and acted very sweetly toward me for about a month. When I hinted that I really had grown to like him, he backed off and told a friend of his(who then told me) that he wasnt looking for a relationship. Then, a year later, after 3 months of having no contact and then 7 months of slowly building a friendship, he helped me break up with a guy who took advantage of me and was somewhat mentally abusive. On that same day, he told me he cared about me deeply, and I responded by telling him I had never gotten over him in the first place. He asked me to be his girlfriend a month later. For an entire year, everything went off without a hitch. I did ANYTHING he asked me to. I felt the strongest feelings I had ever had for anyone, and I would’ve given up every dream to be with him. I spent all of my time with him, and I was truly the happiest I’ve ever been. I know that this is my fault, because I know that I did all of the right things. I never nagged. I never asked him to buy me things. I got him little surprises all of the time. I treated him like a king, and he treated me as a princess. He was so loving and so caring towards me. He has always had temper problems, and he frequently would yell and hit things and storm out of situations, but never at me. We never even fought. Then, a month ago, he told me he wanted a break. I cried in front of him until he took it back. Several hours later, he said it again. I got very angry and left and agreed to his terms. The next day, he came to my house with flowers and a card and he cried for an hour telling me how sorry he was and how much of a screw-up he has been and that he loved me and he couldn’t beleive he ever let me go. I told him I would take him back, but that It would be the last time. Yesterday, he told me he was done for good. He said, with tears in his eyes, that he thought he had caused too much damage and that he no longer felt the spark. Unfortunately, I do. I am devastated and furious and resentful and dumbfounded, but I still love him. This is the classic he-doesn’t-love-me-anymore situation. He told me that what we had was too special to throw away completely, and he cried more as he told me he wanted me to be his best friend and that he couldn’t handle not having me in his life. I told him I didn’t want to be friends, because there was no way on Earth I could ever be less than his lover. I would rather just move to another city(which I plan on doing in 3 months, when school ends) and forget about him completely. I love him so much that I can’t bear to look at him, speak to him, or be anywhere near him. I have cried for 24 hours. I know I’m dong the right thing, but I was wondering if you could help me make this easier on myself. I’m so hurt and in so much pain and I don’t know how to deal with all of this. Please help me.

  36. sheree April 2, 2013 at 7:43 am #

    OH my god i applied the NC Rule twice though i kept on breaking it…by doing that i was bombarded a messages from him…he used the means of social network just to contact me. But i couldnt resist of not talking to him. I could im scared of losing him especially our friendship…and this time doing it twice and we communicated again he was sending me message though as if i can feel he’s forced to do it coz he have to just for the sake of our friendship…demmit i’ve always been thinking he’s an asshole but it kept on reminding me that he is too good to made all those things to me. He never broke up with me i just happen to know there’s no us at all…and now after communicating back again…he’s gone and doesnt care but he’s online though couldnt reply my messages…im so upset and i really know he’s not into me at all…I want him back..i want him…he’s what i want a long time ago for 12 years..but seems i cant reach him at all :( i missed him my old friend..god knows how much i waited for the moment he will love me…

  37. george April 30, 2013 at 5:48 pm #

    Just wanted to know if the no contact rule applies over a long distance relationship and if so, what’s the appropriate time to contact the person with a casual “just checking in” type of msg after said time. I havent spoken to her in 12 days and its really difficult.

    Thanks so much.

  38. Jay June 14, 2013 at 5:31 pm #

    I have a complicated one in my opinion. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 11 months. I moved to catalina because we had plans to live together.I had to leave first in order to get my job secured. Ever since we knew I was leaving first he was being insecure thinking I would find someone else. Our insecurities clashed, especially because we can,t talk face to face. Well, he was ignoring me one night after we were supposed to talk on the phone. I got tired of waiting so I called and left a voice mail;. I said ” i’m tired of being blown off. I’m not just some chick you can keep doing this to. This is so annoying. Im done. bye.” What i meant was i was done with the bs. I should have been careful about my wording but i was mad. He took it as i broke up with him. I didn’t know this until 3 days later when i tried contacting him. I apologized over and over because i didnt mean it in that context. He ignored me for about a week, then kinda started talking to me until I saw that he said he was single on facebook. I retaliated with a quote by marilyn monroe which made everything worse, but now at least i was getting a reaction. Then he started ignoring me again. He will sometimes give me short answers but then ignore again. Hell be moving out here in about 2 weeks. Im trying to give him space but it’s hard. I don’t want to let him go because i still care a whole deal about him. Im still in love with him and when he gets out here itll be harder because i wont know how to react. A few of my friends tell me to just wait until he gets here because we’ll actually be able to handle it in person. but what if im just waiting for my heart to actually break. i dont know what to do..

  39. KC July 4, 2013 at 11:46 pm #

    Hey! I’m sorry the No Contact when used incorrectly is for the weak, cowardly, individuals who just want to play mind games, be in control, & takes pleasure in knowing that she/he is hurting someone? That needs to be address to people? You should not go into no contact unless both agree to it. And the mature thing to do IS to discuss why the relationship is ending. The dumpee may hurt, may cry, be confused? But, at least it was dealt with honesty & respect? Yes you have to do what’s best for yourself but, there is no need to degrade the other person! By no explanation & walking away . It can be so damaging to someone! And not only from your reasoning but, others none of this is explain? A lot of people feel this is except able behavior at any age!!

  40. Heather July 10, 2013 at 9:05 pm #

    I have been in a relationship 8 years and married 5 of those 8 years, my husband left me and my daughter and a week of us moving out of state started dating another woman, they are still together and he says he is in love. We have been intimate twice which I highly regret because I feel it was me just being desperate and trying anything I could to get him to come back to us. I have made so many mistakes I have used sex, begging, pleading, crying all the wrong things to do to try and get him back. All he kept asking for was space and time and I couldn’t do that because I let my emotions get the best of me. I have done so much research trying to figure out the best way possible to get my ex back. I am on day 3 of no contact and he can contact our daughter through my mother which he hasn’t in weeks, called her at all, he asked us to meet up we did and it was all about sex. I think he likes the freedom and no responsibilities of a child. I am so hurt but my love for him doesn’t stop even as mad as I may get at him. I feel like my only option now is to continue no contact work on myself and hope and pray he comes back to us. I feel hurt, angry, lost tons and tons of emotions. I am scared he will not come back to us and that hurts too. Is what I am doing the best thing? No contact will it really work when he has moved on? I dont think he truly loves her he has already cheated on her. Is she a rebound? Is he using her to cover up his feelings? These are all questions I have.

    • Eddie Corbano July 10, 2013 at 11:40 pm #

      Hi Heather,

      I am very sorry for what you to go through, my heart goes out to you.

      Although this is NOT a “get your Ex back” site but a “get over them and become a better YOU” site, I can only advice you to continue to work on yourself, concentrate on what YOU really want… and you might discover after 60 days NC that this may NOT be getting him back.

      This is a realization many have after getting through the 60 days.

      Wish you all the best, hang in there!

      Your friend,
      Eddie

  41. tara July 13, 2013 at 2:02 am #

    It’s been 7 months since I broke up with a man that I was with for 1 3/4 years. I broke up with him because I started a recovery program and finally was taking charge of my life. He was not good to me a percentage of the time all through the relationship. We were down to seeing each other one day a week. I needed to get free many times and did not respond to things he did that made me want to get away.. be it hanging up on me many times , or ignoring me on trips, or yelling at me in the night for needing comfort , or not showing up for lunch at my place then never coming at all. He said I was his best friend ever and the only woman he could trust. I told him that I was getting honest with recovery and should/could have told him how i felt earlier and that I was sorry. We met a couple times since the break=up and we talked and processed for hours on the phone with it always ending hatefully and profanely on his part because I was speaking my truth. Now , he calls (finally stopped the incessant texts). He calls at 3 am and hangs up many many times. He came by unannounced and I have a boundary against him coming here, he came by a 6 am one morning and I did not answer his knocking. He left flowers on my porch in a vase without water for my bday very very early one morning also. He says to have some compassion and what would it hurt to call. I just want free. I have had no contact since we had our last phone processing ending in the meanest things anyone has every said to me. He phone call today said that he saw my silouette on my porch and missed our sitting and chatting and that I should have compassion and call him. He is unrelenting. I still judge myself. But I want to remain strong. Should I block his number or just do nothing and let it run it’s coarse. Maybe not listen to his messages? Tara

  42. Emilio July 18, 2013 at 1:12 pm #

    I’m dealing with all of it right now and no matter how hard I try I can’t let her go. After 2 years of an on/off. Best friend relationship. She suddenly without anything happening tells me not to take it personally if she’s not around all the time or doesn’t call back right away. Of course I took it personally. How else would some1 take it. We were together basically 24/7. Did everything together. But for the last 3 months she’s popped in and out of my life and completely destroyed me. Worst part is I’m 11 years older then her and should kno better. I try the No Contact Rule but she won’t let me just go and she will contact me or show up at my house and she knows all I want is to love her. She says I shouldn’t but why be stupid and just throw it all away. She thinks I should just be fine with just being her friend. Or caring when she wants me to care. I can’t. I’m so devastated by her but can’t let go even tho I kno I have to. I just want her back but kno I lost her. I don’t kno what to do anymore

  43. Leah July 22, 2013 at 8:18 pm #

    My boyfriend of 8 years broke up with me two weeks ago, before this year we were so happy, everything was just perfect, we had the rest of our lives planned out together but this year his father died and my father has been in hospital for several months and is in a critical condition. Up until a few weeks ago we were supporting each other, seeing each other as often as we could, talking every day on the phone if we could not see each other. Understandably he started to spend a lot of his time with his mother and when we had made plans to spend the day together, a day for us, he cancelled and spent the day with his mum instead, this happened two weekends in a row and the following week he dumped me. I was very upset that he hadn’t spent the time with me as promised as we had both said how much we had missed eachother and needed to make time for us and I was somewhat short with him for a few days. I told him that I understood that he needed to spend time with his mum but i missed him terribly and was so looking forward to our special days we planned together. We were both terribly upset when he broke it off, he was so upset and said it was the hardest thing he has ever had to do. I have left him alone apart from a couple of text messages that he did not respond to but I feel as though my life it over. My father is still very poorly in hospital and I feel as though I’m grieving the loss of my boyfriend and I am still very emotion about his fathers death. I have no friends and no social life, my life is working, visiting my father in hospital and looking out for my mum, I want to run away from everything but I know I can’t, I just don’t know how to stop hurting, stop missing him and carry on my life without him

  44. Emilio July 25, 2013 at 6:28 am #

    After a few days of NC with her contacting me. I get a message today that she went to hospital yesterday and still didn’t feel right. I couldn’t not answer. Worst mistake ever. For no reason whatsoever she went out of her way to make me feel worse about everything and even basically invalidated the 2 years we spent together as nothing. I’m so sick right now. I hate this

  45. Alicia August 12, 2013 at 7:44 am #

    Hi Eddie,

    I had a boyfriend for 8 months, who was a recent divorcee at the time we met. He made promises of starting a life together and was happy to have met me. Also said that he was happy to have found love again. We never argued and were always affectionate to one another. This month he says that he is scared and needs time to get his life together and isn’t ready for a commitment. I was blind-sided. He says that he wants for us to still communicate and that he loves me. He continues to call and/or text daily. Keeps apologizing and says he feels like crap and he is also hurting for doing this; but needs to get his life together, misses me, loves me, and that I’m a wonderful woman. I am hurting over the situation and I don’t know what to do. Please advise.

  46. Alison October 3, 2013 at 10:25 pm #

    hey everyone,

    I know this is a pretty old thread, hopefully someone will read it…my boyfriend…err ex boyfriend…broke up with me on Saturday. We had been dating for almost three years (anniversary is in two weeks…) I’m 22, he’s 26. He was my first real love, first serious relationship, I thought we would be together forever. And for a long time, he reciprocated those feelings, he was just as head over heels for me as I was for him. We were very happy for a long time. It was so right for so long, then all of a sudden, it just wasn’t right anymore. A couple months ago, he started a new job that had him working 16+ hours a day, 11 days on 3 days off. He was very stressed and exasperated over the whole thing, and in the beginning, I didn’t help because going from seeing him 4-5 times a week to seeing him once or twice in two weeks was really hard, I felt so distant and it didn’t feel okay. We had sex maybe twice in three months…which was just not like us at all. But after a few arguments, I put up with it. He started taking his stress out on me, I became his doormat, making excuses for him saying he’s just stressed out. My gut was telling me for weeks that this wasn’t right anymore, but my heart wouldn’t believe that. My heart made me believe that I’m better to be unhappy with him, rather than without him. Then I started telling myself, that when this job ends (it ends this Friday) I’ll see if things change, if not, I’ll break up with him. I’d like to think I would have, but honestly I think I would’ve been too chickensh*t to do it myself. So maybe it’s a blessing in disguise that he did it. It’s been five days, we haven’t spoken, it didn’t end with a fight or harsh words, just both of us crying. We have a tent trailer together that is at my house, and he has to come pick it up at some point along with his stuff that’s at my place, and I just don’t know when I’m supposed to ask him to come get it. I want to see him so bad, I miss talking to him, and I’d like to talk to him to just tell him that I appreciate everything we had and don’t blame him or myself for anything, we just kinda grew apart. But I don’t know when I should text him. I don’t know when he’d eventually text me if I waited, but I can’t keep driving up to my home and see the trailer in the driveway. It’s hard to see. I know it’s the right thing that we broke up, and I feel like I’m handling it way better than I thought I ever would if we broke up, but my heart…is just in so much pain. I feel like chances are we both just kinda fell out of love, and I mean, why be in a relationship when you’re pretty much just friends at that point? Especially if I’m feeling under-appreciated and unloved…We lost the passion he used to have, and lost the communication we always patted ourselves on the back for. I feel like I almost miss him more as my friend than my boyfriend, maybe that’s what hurts the most, or maybe I’m just in denial, but my heart hurts so much. We had so many amazing times that I wouldn’t give up for anything, and I couldn’t have asked for a better first love, and I don’t THINK I want to get back together with him, it just doesn’t feel right anymore. But who knows if he said “I want you back I made a mistake I miss you” that I wouldn’t go running back. I’d like to think I’m stronger than that, but I was also so happy with him. I’m so confused with my feelings. I feel okay for half a day, knowing that it’s actually kind of a relief, then I come across a memory in my head and I’m so sad the rest of the day. I feel like my mind maybe prepared me for the break up before it happened since I sensed it was coming weeks before, but my heart just won’t stop aching. I don’t know what that means. I’m just confused.

  47. Chris December 9, 2013 at 12:19 pm #

    Thanks Eddie !!

    Your article was as reading the explanation to why I did what I did when the girl I was with dumped me in a not so nice way without giving me the reason why – But I knew it was because because she had started to see someone else and later found out she was dating the guy while we where still together. She wanted to stay friends and said she “just wanted both of us to be happy”……., she was texting me and even invited me to BBQ that here new boyfriend hosted. I really felt hurt and humiliated. No way I would hang out as friends with here and here new boyfriend. She would be loving him and feeling petty for me, yeah right – that’s just not going to happen. Right now I have not spoken to here for two months and I have told myself that I will never speak to here again ever. I treated here really well when we where together and she returned that with dumping me and trying to humiliate me. Sorry but I don’t want to have anything to do with here. I’m don’t want here back or have anything to do with the girl. The only thing I regret now is that I meet here and gave here the opportunity to hurt me as much as she did. I don’t think I deserved it :-) !

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