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About The Necessity Of No-Contact

The no-contact rule is the most discussed rule in the whole break up recovery field. You only need to check out the comment section of my article The Secret of How To Get Over a Break Up to see examples.

People know that the rule is essential, but are constantly fighting it – looking for loopholes to break it – which is understandable. Others, however, are reporting that the only thing that helped them to get over their Exes was following that particular rule.

It’s the most important precondition to healing from a break up or divorce.

I actually talk about this in detail in my free newsletter , but I just wanted to add some small things.

The problem with this rule is that we do not recognize its urgency in the beginning.  We only begin to understand after we have had some bad experiences with this “friend thing”.

Why do we aspire to stay friends with our Exes, even though we sense that it’s bad for us?

Let’s examine the “Dumpers” and “Dumpees” separately:

1. The “Dumpees”:

The dumpee wants to stay friends for the obvious reason: they don’t want to lose their Ex. If they can’t be with them as romantic partners, then why not as friends? This way they will be still around, and maybe it can be as close to as it was before. The secret hope is that they can turn them around somehow and get back together again.

I’m sorry to say that I have BAD news for you: It doesn’t work this way.

You really don’t want this for various reasons:

  • The dumpers WILL treat you as a friend! Are you really prepared for that?
  • They may take advantage of you for occasional sex without commitment, (this is especially true for male dumpers).
  • You will have certain expectations they certainly can’t fulfill – you love them, but your Ex doesn’t return the feelings.
  • You will constantly be looking for “signs” that there is still a chance, (this will destroy you in the long run).
  • It will prolong, if not prevent your healing.

2. The “Dumpers”:

The dumper wants to stay friends for nearly the same reasons, only their motivation is different:

  • They often want you around because they also don’t want to lose you.
  • They want you as a safe fallback if something goes wrong in their lives, (if their new girl/boyfriend dumps them unexpectedly).
  • Some want you still for occasional sex.
  • They want to make it “easier for you”, (which of course backfires).
  • They want to be around to “help” you.

Are these all legitimate reasons?

The Solution

The best thing a “Dumper” can do for the “Dumpee” is to refuse to maintain contact any longer. It’s easier for them to do so in the beginning, and it’s a sacrifice for their own good.

If you are the “Dumpee”, then make it clear to yourself that you don’t need another talk, you don’t need closure – all you need to know is that it’s over. You will realize the reasons for the break up, if not immediately, then after some time has passed.

This of course hurts like hell, but ultimately it’s better and easier for both parties.

Think about this.

Maybe you will have to make YOUR own experiences, maybe you will have to realize the hard way which choice is the better one – we often learn better by making mistakes.

Either way, I don’t want you to beat yourself up. See this decision as a milestone on your way to independence and happiness. A way that will be hard and rocky at times, but ultimately you will be proud of yourself, because you’ve made it!

Your friend,

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320 Responses to About The Necessity Of No-Contact

  1. someone February 22, 2015 at 1:03 am #

    My Boyfriend and I broke up after 7 years. Im 26 and he is 25. I love him dearly and I miss him very much. He doesn’t drive so I took him anywhere he needed to go. I take him to his hair appointments,work and other places that he needed to go for 7 years. Everything started with some girl and the rumors she is 18 she does not drive either. Rumors at his work place saying they would vanish on there breaks together and at party’s I confronted him for it and he said to me that people wanted to start shit and they are just friends and they aren’t alone. I threatened the girl to back off twice and stop texting him so much. And it didn’t work. He got mad at me cause he said I didn’t trust him enough and he told he that he just wanted to be friends with her but i trusted him not her. In the end he wanted to break it off first we agreed to the breakup and I told him that one day when the bullshit and drama goes away we could seek each-others affection again and he agreed. I’m very close to his family and they say that im still part of the family even-though we been broken up almost 2 months and no contact. I talk to his mom all the time and she tells me that he still does not like that girl romantically and they are just friends….his mom does not want him to date a 18 year old lol. I also wonder If he still thinks of me on a regular basis I do miss him but I will not look like a desperate bitch for him. I have done everything for him for 7 years. I would cook him breakfast, take him to work and pick him up. His hair and eye appointments and cook dinner for his family He still lives with his father and his brother at the apartment. His dad loved me and heard everything that was going on and said that he wanted me to stay A part of his family as well. I also live with my mom and dad……yea im broke all the we couldn’t afford to get our own place. over the past 2 months he has been walking where he needs to go or his best guy friend would pick him up or his brother or dad. I think his best friend who has a car is not coming around much since hes been seen walking more he is getting the hint. After being with someone for 7 years I cant just be friends with him. I would like to work it out with him but if he ever starts dating this girl I do not want to contact or be friends with him ever again.

    • Dewy February 24, 2015 at 12:30 am #

      The best thing you can do right now is to STOP”.. accusing him of anything(even if he is guilty) and start backing off from him. this is the only way you can save your relation! You don’t want him to see you as a jealous woman etc. If you remain there for him anytime during this time, he will see you as weak and insecure, and know that you will be there at his calling even if he is flurting with others etc..

      The best way to pull the wool from under him is to take him by surprise and do the UNECSPECTED!!

      When he start pulling away, then you do the same!! He needs to learn what he will be missing!!

      I know this stuff from experience and my own mistakes!!

      So for now, just totally back off from him ok”

      I know its not easy, but you have to trust me about this!

  2. Alex February 25, 2015 at 12:07 am #

    Hello, this is Alex,

    Today is a day I wish never came, today my divorce is final…

    Its been a long time, lots of procrastination on both ends, but its finally done.
    I have been in no contact for 3 weeks and although I had felt as if I was regaining my power, although I felt like I was reaching my purpose, today I feel that I have lost it all. I am NOT braking my no contact no matter what, but today I feel defeated. Today I feel that she took all the power away from me once again.

    I will continue this journey to win myself back and to rebuild what my ex left behind, but today I choose to quietly suffer this pain I feel inside. Tomorrow I will get up and continue, but today I will allow myself to grief. And even if she will never know the blow I received today, I don’t have the will to fight it, at least for Today.

    • Dewy February 25, 2015 at 11:57 pm #

      How did your relation end? were you both stubborn? Deep hatred? No communication? Did you both just ignore each other at the end and let it drop off and fade away?

      Sometimes its better(and also shows courage and strength)to yield and let her know how you truly feel… as what you just explained in your message I just read.

      Maybe you could tell her what you said in this letter that you are actually crushed by losing her?

      Because, sometimes planting seeds will leave an impression on her heart”

      There can be no harm in telling her that.

      It may be one of those things that you may later-on regret not speaking out on?

      If you are silent, then she truly will never know

      I am sorry for your loss of one you do truly love’

      • Alex February 26, 2015 at 8:25 pm #

        Hay Dewy,

        No this was slowly working, we had been getting a divorce for a while (procrastinating on both ends) finally 16 months ago, I moved out of the house (she kept telling me to leave). When I left she said that this was when she suffered the break up. 7 months ago I learned she is dating and is in love with another man, which is when in my mind my break up began. you see, through all the time after I moved out, I always thought we would get back together again, but that was not the case. It has been a rough few months.
        She finally pushed for all the papers and courses to be completed for the divorce and its finally all done.

        I did all the mistakes that you can do when you break up, was the dumpee, and even said I would always be there for her no matter what. But, I woke up and realized that she moved on, I needed to heal, I needed to cure this pain. So I stepped away and started no contact, 3 weeks ago.

        As far as telling her how I feel, she knows exactly how I feel about her, and she knows the pain this whole thing has put me through, I just want it all to end and hopefully I can move on and recover the broken pieces of my life.

        We had a lifetime together and its so hard to forget it all. Also we have kids which hurts me even more that we are not a family any more. It is so difficult to let go, but I think this is the best thing and let her be happy with her life without me. I just hope that after all of this is done, I can be happy too.

        • Dewy February 28, 2015 at 1:17 am #

          I will tell you right now.

          She is not in love with him!!!!!!!

          She is excited to be entertained by a new person. He is a rebound! Sure, something could become of their relation, but you are on her mind when she is with him. He does not know this though.

          You were with her for a long time. she is not just going to forget about you in an instant!

          The best thing you can do if you really love her is to tell her in a email message what I told you in the last reply here. and she needs to know that you are remorseful that your relation ended the way it did with a divorce.

          If you don’t speak, she will never know! plant the seed!

          You wish you could start over and fix the mistakes.

          Leave her alone and work on moving on friend! Don’t date anybody either! You need to keep your mind to yourself for quite a while to reflect on your mistakes(we are all guilty of this)and to discover what you really want in life.

          • Alex March 4, 2015 at 11:20 pm #

            Thank you for your words, but as much as I would like to imagine its true, I don’t think it is. I am trying to stay away, and I am working on myself. Still have bad days but I also have good ones. I don’t want to put hopes in my mind, that got me nowhere when all this happened, I just want to heal… for the pain to never come back. I’m doing my best to move on. If what you say is true, then she will have to make the move because I already gave her what she wanted… I’m out of her life.

          • Dom July 17, 2016 at 7:11 pm #

            Alex what happened?? Im going thru the same situation. All this unknown about the future is very bothersome, specially thoughts of maybe never getting over her. Its scary and confusing

  3. Amy March 1, 2015 at 1:42 pm #

    Yesterday, my boyfriend and I broke up. We were together for about a year and a half. I wasn’t ready to call it, but he didn’t want to work on things (he seemed like he did but then completely changed his mind). He “still wants me in his life” and even “wants to be friends with the hopes that someday we can try again”. I said no. I can’t be friends with someone I have feelings for. And, I’m not doing the on-again-off-again thing. I was really good to him, but honestly, he was not a good boyfriend, and the writing has been on the wall for a while. But, still, I feel like I’ve lost my best friend. I talked to him more than I talked to anyone else, we have SOOO much in common, and he “got me” better than anyone else ever had.

    I cried off and on all the way home (he lives 4 hours away), and then I came home and happened upon this site. I’m so glad I said the things I did. And, in a few days/ weeks, I’m going to feel compelled to contact him. So, to help in NOT doing that, I’ve deleted his contact info from my phone and signed off of Facebook for a while. The FB thing is important because it will keep me from checking up on him too. I also went around the house and disposed of the pictures of us together. And the shirts from his firehouses (even the super awesome hoodie) are going in the VVA pile.

    I know it’s a day-by-day, baby step-by- baby step kind of thing though. When I find my heart leading my mind to all the stuff that makes me miss him, I am trying my hardest to remind myself of how I could never depend on him and how I wasn’t important to him (clearly, or he would have tried harder).

    The “avoiding things that remind you of your ex” is going to be the hardest step for me. We started dating just after I closed on my house, so it’s filled with memories. We like a lot of the same shows. We’re both big nerds, and it will be hard to avoid those things in my life. Outside of moving (which seems a little drastic), I’m not sure how to avoid that stuff. Just keep reminding myself of the bad stuff?

    Luckily, I won’t have to worry about running in to him until summer when a mutual friend has their annual pool party/ cookout.

  4. Andjela April 7, 2015 at 3:26 pm #

    I was in long distance relationship for 8 months…we meet on vacation and fall in love on first sight..i broke up with my boyfriend 3 months before going on that vacation and i was very sad.we were together for 3 years and i thought i will never fall in love again and that he was perfect.i meet so many guys on that vacation but still i was thinking about that ex guy..and then last night i met Ilia and it hit me like never before!I completely forget about that ex boyfriend in just few hours.That night with Ilia was nothing special when i tell to my friends but to him and me it was the best night of our lives!(we didnt have sex..just we were kissing,talking,having fun,night sweeming..).he was albanian and he didnt tell me that because i am serbian.after i found out that when i checked his profile on fb..and was a little scared because our countries have been and still are a little bit in war…but i am not a person who cares for nationalities,race etc.i looked at him as a person.we continued to hear for next 4 months and fall in love even more..he came to serbia in november with his friend and we had amazing time!but at the end he kept telling how we dont have future,how he wants me every day and that he dont believe long distance will work out because i have 3 more years to finish medical college and that is too much time.i understand his logic.he is working,has 24 years and wants some more serious relationship…i know the reality,but i love(really i mean that) him and i believe if he loved me logic would never stand in our way…but maybe i am just too much naive..and maybe he doesnt love me that much to wait for me.and logic is-what if after 3 years long distance we get together and realise we are not right for each other..and that all was an ilusion…i understand that fear but still i am willing to take that risk.why isnt he??
    we saw each other once more in december.i went to thessaloniki on shopping tour(i have no money.i only had 20e for that one afternoon tour.i traveled 9h in one direction with bus and again in other just so i could see him and spend one afternoon with him)..and it was amazing,but it was gone so fast,like i wasnt there…he said-“like i was dreaming”..he even put our photo on fb.he never did that with no other girl.and even me i didnt put photo(because i didnt want to push),he did it before me.and he said that he loved me and that i am the only girl he could imagine serious relationship with(and i must admitt that he is a player)but i am fucking far away..and again begin story about future..we continued to hear after but things were getting colder..and i told him maybe is better to stop because i dont want to rulin beautiful memory that we had..because he really started acting like a jerk and didnt care for me.but he didnt let me break up then and bagged me to stay together a little bit longer and that he will try to change his mind about our future(i knew that is not going to happen and i told him that..but i wasnt strong enough to break up..i was still hoping-maybe he will change his mind)..he didnt change his mind…he broke up with me month after that in chat.i was angry and deleted him and his friend from fb,because i think no contact is the best(but it is so fucking hard to do).he didnt even want to talk on skype(i am not drama person,but i wanted to have one last conversation after all)…i was a little desperate so i called him week after that to talk on skype because i really needed that..and we was hard for both of us so we talked more about movies and music and just a few sentences about end…at the end of conversation i said-goodbye.he smiled and said-no goodbye,goodnight.i havent heard with him since then(one week now)…
    But real problem is this-I have opportunity to go to Greece in May with my aunt and brother and some friends..and its free vacation..and we are going for one afternoon to his city(he knows for that plan.i told him before break up…and then we planned that i stay in his city while my friends are on vacation in other and that they pick me up on our way back…but now things changed and i am not going to stay in his city obviously)…so,i am asking you-what you think is the best thing to do?to call him for a coffee when i get there or not?i want to be with him,but i think he is more realistic and maybe his love is not that strong for me(or it is strong but he will not let emotions win over reality)…just writting all this shows how desperate and confused i am.i never felt like this in my life!

  5. Andjela April 7, 2015 at 3:38 pm #

    *i forget to explain this
    in May we are going to Greece,but i am not staying in his city.I will go with my friends in some other where is a big serbian party going..just we are stopping by in his city and moving what should i do?call him or not?
    I am afraid old flame would burn again(but that would be even harder..we really have that amazing chemistry..but we are fucking far away and that dont change)…or he is going to say that he moved on and has some new girl(and i will be heart broken again and this time lose even that good memory of him and the time we had.i really want to save that nice picture..he really means so much to me)..or he would be cold and not come for a coffee because he really dont care for me..i really dont see good end of this story,but i want to see him so much!!!
    maybe you are more objective(even dough its just a text and my side of a story and you never saw us)

  6. Katt April 10, 2016 at 2:50 pm #

    I got dumped even though the problems were caused by his ex I followed the no contact rule=massive misfire bigtime during the no contact time his ex got him together with someone else and she’s bad news as she’s used and dumped every guy she’s been with but my ex won’t hear a word about her. After he’d got with her he hid it from me for a couple of weeks then admitted that if I’d told him sooner how much I loved him we might have worked it out and he wouldn’t have got with her but now if anyone tries to tell him what she’s really like he clings to her even tighter….so the no contact rule doesn’t always work instead of getting me and my ex back together instead he claims he just wants to be friends as we were before as I’m too important to lose from his life…so where do I go from here…I can’t just be his friend and his new girlfriend and me dislike each other and have for years

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