How does the “Dumper” feel during No Contact?
What psychological effect does this have on them?
Why do we even want to know?
The answer is, of course, because we secretly hope that they realize that they’ve made a terrible mistake, contact us, and get back together with us again.
But is this the real reason we went No Contact in the first place?
No.
At least, it shouldn’t be.
But these questions are legit, as the answers can enable us to counteract possible contact attempts by our Ex.
Going No Contact with an Ex may very well push their buttons.
The Psychology Behind No Contact
The real purpose of the No Contact Rule is to get YOURSELF back … not your Ex.
While most people already know how important the rule is for their recovery, they nonetheless look for loopholes to break it.
The truth is — and I’ve been preaching this for over 12 years — that following the rule is an essential precondition to healing from a breakup or divorce.
The problem with this rule is that we do not recognize its necessity right at the beginning of the breakup. We only begin to understand after we’ve had bad experiences with “being friends” with them.
Why do we aspire to stay friends with our Exes, even though we sense that it’s bad for us?
(MORE: No Contact Rule After a Breakup: The Definitive Guide)
Let’s examine this further by looking at the psychological effect No Contact has on “Dumpers” and “Dumpees” :
1. Psychology of the “Dumpee”
The Dumpee wants to stay friends for the obvious reason:
They don’t want to lose their Ex.
If they can’t be with them as romantic partners, then why not as friends? This way, they'll be still around.
The secret (often subconscious) hope is that they can turn everything around and get back together again.
If this is your motivation, then I’m sorry, I have BAD news for you:
It doesn’t work this way.
You really don’t want this, for various reasons:
- The Dumpers WILL treat you as a friend! Are you really prepared for that?
- They may take advantage of you for occasional sex without commitment (this is especially the case for male Dumpers).
- You will have expectations they certainly can’t fulfill: You love them, but your Ex doesn’t return the feeling.
- You will continuously be looking for “signs” that there is still a chance (this will destroy you in the long run).
- It will prolong, if not prevent, your healing.
Let’s take a look at the Dumper. Why would they want to stay friends or still in contact?
2. Psychology of the “Dumper”
The Dumper will test your determination.
The Dumper wants to stay friends for nearly the same reasons as the Dumpee, only their motivation is different:
- They often want you around because they also don’t want to lose you.
- They want you as a safe fallback if something goes wrong in their lives (if their new girl/boyfriend dumps them unexpectedly).
- Some want you for occasional sex.
- They want to make it “easier for you” (which, of course, backfires).
- They want to be around to “help” you.
Cutting off contact with the Dumper often triggers a “reaction,” because it means that the Dumpee takes back their power. They are signaling that they don’t want to be dependent anymore.
Some Dumpers don’t like that and will make an attempt to get their power over them back.
This is the reason Dumpers eventually contact the Dumpee.
They are merely testing you.
But let me be clear: This is NOT what you want.
Their newly found interest for you is NOT genuine.
One of the most important prerequisites for the No Contact Rule to work is to not fall for their games of power.
What You Should Do
The best thing a Dumper can do for the Dumpee is to help them follow the No Contact Rule by proposing (and enforcing) it themselves.
It’s easier for them, anyway (because they already separated themselves emotionally during the relationship), and it will help the Dumpee a great deal.
It may be perceived as cruel and cold, but you are following an ulterior motive that will help them in the long run.
If you are the Dumpee, then make it clear to yourself that you don’t need another talk, you don’t need closure — all you need to do is accept that it’s over.
MORE: How to Get Over a Breakup: 3 Proven Secrets That Worked for Me
You will go through the different breakup stages much quicker and eventually learn all the reasons that lead to the breakup.
This, of course, hurts like hell, but ultimately, it’s better and easier for both parties.
Think about this.
Maybe for you, it’s necessary to make YOUR own experiences; perhaps you will have to learn the hard way which choice is the better one — we often learn better by making mistakes.
Either way, I don’t want you to beat yourself up.
See the decision of going No Contact with your Ex as a milestone on your way to independence and happiness. It's a path that will be bumpy at times, but ultimately, you will be proud of yourself because you’ve made it!
Your friend,
Eddie Corbano
I really do need help and some advice. She broke up with me over four months ago. We still lived together after the breakup, until she moved out. We had remained on good terms and even continued having sex, she however met this other guy at work and she told me that she wanted no contact for about a month or so, i agreed to it because I did not want to seem weak. After a month, she texted me saying how much she missed me and that she wanted to talk. I texted her back just randomly but we never really talked. What I dont understand is why would she say she misses me yet she is seeing this other guy. I texted her again after a couple of days to ask how she was doing and she is doing okay. But since then, I feel like I want her to talk to me, I feel so lonely because I am thinking that she is out having fun with her new friends and her new 'boyfriend' yet I have no one. Our relationship was not perfect and I had thought of breaking up with her, why is it that I now want her so badly yet I know the relationship was not good for me. we have not seen each other for like two weeks now and it is killing me.
I am the dumper. I made the decision to leave the 10 yr marriage. Went down the hill in the last 5 years coz of his family constantly verbally and emotionally abused me and him refusing to help. I became an emotional wreck to a point of having suicidal tendencies. I only had him there. I wasn't really 'allowed' friends in the 10 yrs of marriage. I relied on him completely so it really killed me when he wasn't there to protect me as a husband. My own family is on the other side of the globe. I didn't want my parents to know and worry either.
The turning point came when I realized I talked to myself, laughed with myself and ignoring him. i realized I would either die or be mentally ill if i continued living my life like that. Initially he didn't agree to it, he finally gave in when he realized how unhappy I was. The weeks before I finally left for home, we were both crying with each other.
I last saw him 4 months ago. I tried my best not to think about him. He would ask me to go back, he would tell me he'll give me a year of alone time and then will welcome me back with open arms. I've been actually thinking of going back for the last 2 months but i couldn't make up my mind. I thought i still had time to think.
He last called me less than 3 weeks ago, was drinking alone at home, asking me to go back. Then call it gut feeling, he finally admitted to having someone new yesterday. He still said I could go back anytime because the woman is 'very nice', she wouldn't mind. She also 50% moved in already.
I feel so empty, so lost. I feel betrayed because he was still asking me to go back recently and suddenly he has someone new. Actually, I never thought i would grieve because I was the dumper. It never occurred to me I would NEED to grieve. Reality finally kicked in, I gave up everything, lost everything when I decided to get the divorce. Suddenly, all the sadness kicked in. 10 years, I lost everything, I lost the person who I was supposed to grow old with. I lost the person who would hold my hand when i'm 80 yrs old while we were strolling down the streets.
I think I am also angry. Why did he still tell me he's waiting for me to go back when he's already seeing someone? It's like I'm being lied to. Kept my hope up that I still have somewhere to return to. I was supposed to go back end of this month for some official matters. I don't have a place to return to anymore, I don't know if i can take it seeing that woman in the house. I don't know why i'm feeling this way. I am very certain that I did the right thing to leave because it was a very poisonous environment. What's broken is broken.
Why am i feeling like my heart is breaking now?
Just like when someone is the dumpee, learn from your mistakes.
It really seems that you had something you really cared about, and you took it for granted and now you wish you had it back.
It is really hard to have sympathy for you, when you are the one who gave it up, however i can have a degree of empathy, because sometimes people really dont realize what they have.. until its gone.
Lesson for the future, be grateful for what you have.
Hope things work out.. wait,
They will work out 🙂
i disagree ryan. this lady was in a difficult situation and i have been in a situation where his family just didnt like me and made our life difficult together and where he wouldnt protect me and support me graciously to his parents. it does destroy relationships not because of outside drama but rather that her spouse did not support her to his parents! i dont think she made a mistake at all she is just doubting herself…but i think no contact for her is the best idea. he has also strung her along as a fallback girl when he knew fair well he was with someone else!. it is selfish and abusive. and i think she is well shut. find a man who will protect you and support you and have your back as much as you have his! she is completely right to dump this guy, she may hurt, being a dumper doesnt make u immune against hurt, you do it for your own sanity and so you can both move on. when a man cannot have your back when youve been with him so long that is a recipe for disaster, youll be doing everything in this relationship and youll be supporting him and yourself tooo with no emotional support when you need it. i feel she is well shut. move on girl, you will find a man who will have your back and his family will welcome you with open arms. he was a pussy not to defend you to his parents. its weak. keep up with no contact. im on day 34 after 5 yr relationship with same issues as yours….believe me it will wear out your self esteem. run. go full no contact. delete everything. phone numbers emails the lot. and block anything u cant delete. get rid of reminders..i binned mine. start a fresh you ‘deserve it’
I am having a terrible time with no contact. I have had no closure and I have so many unanswered questions! I can not stop reeling the movies in my head of us, the conversations, etc. I have sent emails and texts and receive an occasional reply…nothing makes me feel better, only worse. Sometimes I feel on top of the world for about 20 minutes, then in agony again. I'm constantly checking my phone and email.
Me too, and then about three weeks after we filed for divorce I run into my beloved ex and his new girlfriend, after five years of marriage I am replaced in just three weeks. At time I turn up my single ladies music and feel 'on top of the world' and then I remember, oh yeah… he has some one to come home to and you still fall asleep alone in front of the TV.
Hello. I'm the same Phil as below. Man, I haven't been the best lately. I'm already hitting my head against the wall
Lets see, not this past Friday, but the Friday before, my ex texted me letting me know that a payment is on it's way for some money she owes me. First contact in a month and 2 weeks so I say, cool, thanks. Well, later that night/morning at 2:45 in the morning, she calls me.I was intoxicated, so was sheactually, she starts texting me first. I should've ignored, but I respondedshe calls me. I tell her I thought she was dating someone, she said she only said that because I was being pestery last time we hooked up:
She said she wanted to come over and have sex again, even though it was probably a bad idea. so I said sure. DUMB DUMB!!so she comes over, and we pretty much hook up all last weekend We hung out, saw a movie, etc.she was at my house from Friday night till monday morning. DUMBthe next day she emails me first, so we email the next day, Tuesday, she IM's me first, so we IM I Instigated conversation Wed, and Friday. Nothing big anyways, yesteday, I ask her if she wanted to play tennis, we end up bike riding instead. We hang out all day, and she left this morning. Anyways, i'm going to backtrack a bit. A few weeks ago, my computer goes on the fritz, and i had to log on as guest. She always did that, which I didn't know about since I never did. I click on Facebook, and all of a sudden it's on herpage, like, I'm on her Facebook BadReally bad, but I looked at photos, and her page, ad there was this guy that kinda was flirting with her. I got off as soon as I saw that.
Anyways, we aren't friends on Facebook, and she has all her stuff set to privte, but I can see her friends list, and after last weekend I noiced that she defriended that dude. BAD for me to be snoopingBut now I'm thinking, maybe she's using me: So, last night, nothing too physical happend but she spent the night she was on her phone texting some
well, she passed out, I stay downstairs to clean up, and her phone beeps with a text
she was texting that dude the whole night .ugh. So I go upstairs, I ask her as nice as I can, “are you sleeping with other people?” I know w're not togeher, but we agreed having sex with each other would stop if we found someone else. Don't want to catch anything
she said no, and was irritated because she was drunk asleep, always made it a point to say she doesn't do that, and if she was hooking up with someone else, why would she be having sex with me. so we have this talk this morning, and I took a different approach. She doesn't know I saw her phone, which by the way, this guy was asking to my ex to send naked pictures. My ex replied with you can take naked pics next time you see me. guess he was out of town and he is flying into town (where he leaves now), and asked her to get him, so she will, which is 2.5 hours away. So she is basically going to see this guy tonight. Again, this is what I read from their correspondence. I ask her what shes doing for dinner, she said she's haning out with a girlfriend. So basically,I gave her every opportunity to tell m and lied to my faceso mad. Then I tried the reverse guilt trip. I go
I'm like. “I really apologize for accusing you of that. i should know better” Then she got on me about self esteem,e tc. Said she hasn't met anyone, hasn't dated, etc. She said she kissed someone once while out drunk, which happend to be this guy.
I told her that I figured she would have met someone like, and I described this joker to a “t”
, because this guy is totally opposite of me. Iand so mad at myself that I even picked up the phone 2 weeks ago and said it was ok for us to have sex. This guy is like 2 years yonger than her. 22 Ed Hardy Ugh.lie right to my face. I gave her every opportunity
and it's like, I know I should not have let her come over, but she's the one who initiates
it's like I feel like I'm getting dumped over and over again and we actually left it on good terms. she doesn't know I looked at her phone
I think in romantic love if one person is not interested, the non-interested person has to “be cruel to be kind”, in other words, in no uncertain terms, tell the other person that you are not interested in them anymore, period. Of course, do it in a nice way. My old boyfriend used to send me short, friendly e-mails, after we broke up, and I would always analyze the words, and look for hidden meaning that he was still interested. Sometimes when you realize there is no hope you can heal faster. I'll still in the process in getting over this guy, and it “ain't easy.”
She was my girlfriend and she works for me. She is so good at work that I really need her. I still have a hope for her and she knows it. She says she misses me but she doesnt act like that. I really need to get over it and I can not, I simply can not forget her. I talk to her over the phone 4-6 times a day and I miss her ad I admire her.
I know we shouldn’t really contact each other, and it’s best to keep distance, but I really just want to see how you are?
I accidentally stumbled across a load of photos of us yesterday which was very bizarre. They were photos that I had always looked at with such warmth, and I never thought I would be looking at them the way I did yesterday. We looked so happy.
Anyway, maybe I’ll see you soon.
Max x
Hello everyone. I’ve been quietly reading these posts for a few weeks. I am so down right now. My ex of 2 years broke up with me about 2 months ago ago. I guess my one question is, what do you do if your ex is sooo beautiful, and can get any guy she wanted, and all you can do is think about her hooking up?
I wanted some advice/opinions on how to get over, or if there is hope of getting my ex back. I've written some posts that I will add here. I apologize if it is a little choppy.
Fortunately or unfortunately, I’ve been pretty busy. I’ve made a couple new friends, and have been invited to do fun things, like beach volleyball, tennis, golf, out for drinks, etc. It’s getting to the point where it’s getting a little tiring, but I know the minute I am alone, I’ll probably be rehashing things in my mind, plus, with my newly single status, who am I to say no when someone is asking me to do something enjoyable. I’ve found myself thinking about my ex less and less when I am out having fun, but the minute I get home and by myself, I can still “see her” in my townhouse, like us having dinner,etc. By going out and having fun, and I only distracting myself and not letting myself deal with the breakup?
Also, she had surgury 2 weeks after our breakup. Of course my mind was on her that whole day, but I didn’t send any type of “I’ll be thinking about you today” type of emails or anything like that. The original plan was for me to take care of her during her healing process, but now that everythings changed, I dunno. I’m still a litte sore that she didn’t wish me happy bday a few weeks ago, and the fact that a few days before her surgery, she actually had the newve to text me at midnight, asking if she could borrow something. One of my main pet peaves with her was that she always seemed to call me only when she needed something, and here it was, haven’t really heard anything from her, and she’s asking me for something again.
I met her 2 years ago. It was at a party, and I remember the moment I saw her I was deeply attracted to her. She’s a beautiful woman. And for some reason, she was extremely attracted to me. We hit it off right off the bat. Started hanging out. Was intimate probaby a little too soon. There was also a big age difference between us. I was 34 at the time, she was 23. Then things got a little strange. Things from her past started coming up. Like the fact that she was still legally married at the time (long story), or her messed up family. I come from a very tight family so it was hard for me to see where she was coming from a lot of the times. Even though we had great chemistry, we’d have fights because of our differences, etc. She grew up in a family where no one really cared about one another, and she had to look out for herself, where as I came from a family where we always thought of the other person first. Because she was being the way she was, I became upset a lot, and jealous when she would hang out with friends without telling me, etc. We ended up breaking up after a year and 3 months, but still continued to hang out. For the next 4 months, it was periods of us getting mad at each other, and then totally being in love with each other. I recognized my jealousy issues, so I started seeing therapy, and started to get better. I learned to let a lot of stuff go. So at the beginning of this year, she came back. At this time, it would’ve been the 3rd time she came back. I have to admit a lot of times when she came back, it was because something bad had happend to her and she recognized that I was a good guy. So she came back, but for some reason, she didn’t want to be official, but at this point, I took what I could get because I was still deeply in love with her. She would stay with me for weeks on end straight. It was great again. At around this time, she was talking to a dr about having breast reduction surgery because of back issues. Well, out of nowhere, she tells me she’s surprised that I haven’t offered to help her with her surgery. I told her I would help take care of her, she was talking about financially. I was having big time issues with this. I mean, she wasn’t exactly my girlfriend or anything, so I kind of left that up in the air. So we continued on being “unofficial” . Then things started bothering me. Like she’d stay with me for like 2 weeks straight, but then disappear for like a week. It’s not like she really did anything, but according to her, since we’re not official, she didn’t feel like she had to let me know. Then there were her friends. now, at this point, I don’t mind if she had friends that she hung out with, but she actually said that she like to keep me “seperate” from her friends. for some reason. I mean, who says that? Then my bday started coming up. I was about to turn 37 and I was thinking, man, I really need to think about settling down, and I really don’t know if I want to be in this “non-relationship” status anymore. So we get to late last month. I talk to her about all my concerns about the relationship. She says she’ll think about it. The next day was her Dr. appointment for her surgery. I reluctantly agreed to help her out with the surgury. I applied for a medical card that counts against my credit with the understanding that she will be making the payments, so I let her have that money. She was so grateful. That night, she said she would try harder, etc. Then next day, i don’t hear from her. I called her a few times, texted, no answer. So we talk the following day, she says she was out partying. We had plans that evening, but she said she was too tired to hang out, so I told her I couldn’t do this hot/cold thing anymore. So that evening, after consulting some of her friends, she decides to end it for good. It wasn’t a fight or anything, she calmly came over, told me she was ready to let me go, to find someone else and she would be happy for me. Even started saying things like “you’ll be ok. It just hurts in the beginning.” The fact taht we’ve been doing this for a long time, etc. I bawled like a baby in front of her. Said she wanted to be single for a while, do what she wanted to do without having to “report” to anyone. Man. And I also felt used. I mean, did she spend all this time with me in the beginning to get that money (which was a substantial sum), and the minute she got it, she bolted?
Anyways, the next few days were rough. I looked at her facebook page all the time, etc. i even did a few drive bys her house. All psycho stuff. Then I told myself I wasn’t going to get any better doing this stuff, so I just stopped. I was doing fine until like 3 days ago. I was driving home from being out, and decided I would take a road that passed by where she lived. There was a strange car in her driveway. Then I look on her facebook page, saw that she defriended me, but added some dude on there. So now I’m in crazy mode. I start texting her, using the excuse of how she was doing after her surgery, maybe seeing if she would give up some information. We started texting idle stuff. I even made a joke about her adding me back on her facebook. She said she thought that was a bad idea, because it would still be a “tie” . So I just responded with, “ok, you know what’s best” So now I’m thinking, what about all this money you have to pay me. That’s a tie too. So, I blocked her facebook page so I can’t see it, defriended all our mutual friends, etc. I was on some ride with this girl, but I recognize the last few events were my own fault. I snooped, and got burned, and now I’m back to square one.
A few days later I went to happy hour with the group I play sand volleyball with. I really didn’t know anyone there other than 2 people, but you know that i can be social. Anyways, I have a pretty good buzz.There’s an outdoor and indoor part. We were drinking outside. Sometime during the evening, I go inside to use the bathroom. After I’m done, I go out and kinda scope the indoor part, and there right in the table in front of me is my ex, her sister, and a girlfriend. It was weird because I was buzzed, I didn’t have my glasses on so I really had to focus to see if it was her, plus it was the absolute last place I expected to see her. I thought she was still bed ridden, plus, she always said she never liked that place (I did post on my facebook that i was going to be there, but I blocked her so she can’t see my page. Her sister on the other hand is still my friend, but I’m trying not to read into that) I couldn’t avoid then, so I went over to say hi. It was a little awkward, but I said some quick hellos. Gave her and her sister a quick hug while thew were sitting down. I asked how she was feeling. She asked who I was with, I just said some friends.I told her I was outside for Happy hour. She said that they were going out there shortly. I told her that we were going to leave soon, she said that I could stay. After a bit, I go, “I’m gonna go” so I turned around and walked outside. I thought I did a pretty good job of being polite. Luckily I was there with a good group, and I was talking to 2 pretty good looking girls (non potentials. They have boyfriends) After a bit, I see them walk outside from the corner of my eye, but I didn’t really look at them. I just kept talking to my friends. We were all pretty drunk, and those 2 kinda get a little handsy when they talk. I didn’t mind. Don’t really know if she saw where i was when she came out but at that point, I was having fun meeting new people. After a bit, we left.
Well, at 2 this morning, I was passed out and I get this text from her saying “why did you act that way?” then 4 straight texts asking “why?” , then another one saying “h” then another one saying “j” . So seven texts in a row, which woke me up. At first I didn’t want to respond, but after like 15 minutes, I did. I responded with “you mean surprised? Cuz i was. BTW your phone just sent me seven texts? She replied with “really God this phone is so annoying. You acted so weird” So i replied with “I thought i was polite. Oh well” She replied with “Why are you being an Ahole? Its so not like you” . I replied with “Ahole? I went over there and gave each of you guys a hug.” No response.
What the hell was that? Even though it was awkward, i was so polite…
Then a few days later, she called. Just before we broke up, I lent her some money (which she is paying back), so whenever I get a bill for it, I contact her. I got my first bill the other day, so I texted her about it. Broke no contact. She asks how I’ve been, i do the same. She actually asks during our conversation if i’ve slept with anyone, which I think is a weird question to ask someone. Long story short, she comes over to my house and have the best mind blowing sex I’ve ever had. We both haven’t been with anyone sice we’ve broke up. She always commented that I was the best she ever has, so I’m guessing she may be a little attracted to me still. What was up with that? Nothing but a booty call?
I didn't contact her for a week. I sent her a text. Here's how it went
me: “hey hey”
Her: “I had a great time the other night when we hung out but I still feel that we both need to move on and that can’t happen if we are still communicating on a regular basis”
me: “all I said was hey. Don’t you want to say hi?”
Her: “no. that’s what I’m talking about”
me: “so the other night was just about you being horny”
Her: “yes. you knew what it was we clearly discussed it”
me: “well, we should do it one more time. I met your needs, mine weren’t met”
Her: “it was more then me just being horny but I know now that I don’t want to do it again. I just want to move on with my life and that includes dating other people”
me: “so you met someone new?”
Her: “yep”
me” Take care”
A couple of times since, she's commented on my sister's Facebook, etc, which has gone ignored. It's been 5 weeks since we've slept together and here I am still hurting. Any advice would be great.
Phil, all i can say is WOW.. just WOW… how do you get through the day or even night with this is beyond my comprehension… i also have to battle with something similar, so know u are not alone in this. I hate to say it but time heals all wounds… trust me when people tell me this i want to shoot them… because at the moment nothing seems to be healing the pain or will be… it just all comes back at one point or another… its a process but i feel like maybe you are not ready to let go yet not in the way most people say at least.. i say to go at it at your own pace.. reach out to others, vent.. hey you can even email me if you like… i am also hurting as well i am under the name HURTSALOT… so trust me i know how bad the pain feels, its like the oxygen has been knocked out and your suffocating.. its love and it hurts… especially the way she is going about it.. but she is young, and wants to “live her young years” i am guessing. You seem like a very nice guy that gave his all and now you are receiving nothing in return… you will. it come to you. Just like I hope it will come to me… I am hurting every day i wake up until my tears help me fall asleep… its not right and not healthy that we go through this but we do because its a part of life… we love to let go sometimes… remember this: God places people in your life because you NEED them not because you WANT them at the moment…. i have to say that sometimes to get through this… im even on anxiety meds to ease my nerves, i was blind sided… rail roaded to say the least… Phil hang in there buddy… hang in there… vent to me if you like and blog it on here…. you are not the last nor the first that will go through this we just have to learn how to… goodluck to you.
Hey Phil, this woman has just been using you!! My advice to you is GET ANGRY and after that GET MAD!! And then DON'T call or text or email her, EVER again… and ignore any attempt by her for contact…
I'm on my second week of NC after a marriage of 4 years, relationship of 7 years and it is getting better now with me – we broke up 3 months ago because she cheated, and it was 3 months of hell.. why? Because we still had contact… No Contact really works!!
Bubbles ,i can completely relate to your situation… mine just told me that he once loved me but doesnt today and it hurt… we are in a very odd situation one that others would look down upon me on… but he doesnt want to leave this relationship but can promise anything to me either… its only logical to leave right? But its so much harder to leave than to stay i think and then at times i feel like i am ready and then i feel so alone, because for 3 years its been him.. we have always said if the timing was different everything would be happy go lucky… i never went into this relationship wanting more than what i am into right now. I feel like in the long run i will lose him because either i will walk or he will….. there is only so much one can take. But the heart wants what the heart wants and my heart is happy with him… i have tried everything to move on… because i knew that this situation wasnt a healthy one. It is going to hurt me extrememly seeing him go and then theres a relief because i wont have to deal with the back and forth… I just couldnt believe that he told me that he loved me and the only reason why he didnt jump on it was because he wasnt feeling from me… we are both very strong and full of pride…. i just told him that i love with restrictions due to my past, and i wish i could take it back because i think things would have been different now. I dont know what to do… we just spoke and got some things off our chest and he is waiting on me to answer if i should leave this situation and take the bull by the horns and see where it takes me. I could do that, but its going to hurt… im confused because i want him i really do, i look forward to him everyday especially that i am very sick now too…. and i know he hurts as well but then leaving is a great option that is so much easier said than done… i wish someone can help me go through this process, talk to me, shed some light…. im already seeing a psychiatrist cause my nerves were all over the place so now i am much better in taking things but the heart cant be medicated, it just has to be healed with time… and i dont know how much more i can take…. i cant tell family and only a couple of friends know and they are not very supportive and are already sick of hearing my drama… which makes me feel so alone… I feel like i am not worthy of anything. I start medical school in a couple of weeks and i need to focus, guys i just want to be happy again… find some peace. Help
Me and my ex were together 3 years, the last 6 months since I have broken ti off with him has been complete hell. We were so much in love and got engaged 2 years into our relationship. The red alarm bells were there from pretty much the 2nd year of our relationship but I still tried because I madly love him. He once threw me out of his house when I wouldnt let him read an email from a friend, he lied to me about smoking and how much money he earned which I found out after we got engaged. He abused the joint credit card I gave him and would spend money on clothes and shoes. He promised me that he would move in with me and never did so now I live alone. I moved to be closer to him and now I have no one and am completely isolated from my family and friends. He lied to me about so many little silly things. Throughout the years everytime something would go wrong, I would try to break it off with him, we would have such bad arguments about things and I would feel such a mess going into work the day afterwards. Hi family treated me terribly, they said they didnt like me (because he would always go back and tell them about our rows) or want me in their family after setting dates for our wedding and engagement ceremony. His mother has always been insecure about her son being taken away from her and they all influenced him heavily when we were together. Over the last 6 months we have been staying in contact on and off, the final blow was recently when I found out he'd been seeing someone else. We had been trying to work through our problems by going to couples counselling etc but he couldnt commit to being in a relationship with me cos he was scared I'd leave him again. Even after this I still tried but felt so used and torn to a million pieces. I have stopped talking to him on the phone for the last 10 days but that was only because he broke it off with me again, I think he must be back with her becuase he doesnt call me anymore. We have been exchanging emails all this week, hes saying his lifes a mess and doesnt know what to do, i just think hes playing the victim because nothings changed, we are still broken up. Stupidly i still check my phone and emails to see if he's been in contact, ive never been in a situation so desperate before. I hate still being in love with him and having feelings for him when he clearly doesnt give a care in the world for me. I'm so fed up of thinking about him all day and having nightmares about him and this other girl. Everyday when I wake up I get this overwhelming feeling and it stays with me all day until I fall asleep. I feel so emotionally unstable and like i cant focus on anything. My job is suffering and i have no motivaiton to sort it out but I know this is wrong. Ive worked so hard to get to where I am and i just feel like everything is fallen to pieces. I dont even know who I am anymore.
Nobody really has an Idea of what you should or shouldnt do. We can only give our opinions. You can take 'em or leave 'em. But, only from the crap I've gone through, I can honestly say that the no contact rule, works for the healing process that we all need. It isnt a rule to get 'em back, but to start getting stronger in the weakest of times right now. I would cut off all ties…cut your losses and work on not looking back. Before you know it, you will look back one time and be glad that you did, because youre sitting in a better spot because you had the strength, to move on!
I saw him at the train station earlier this week and he broke down in tears. I know noone can tell me what to do but he wants to try again and I feel so scared that I am making a mistake if i do because I dont know if i can trust him. So yesterday I sent him an email saying that he needs to make a decision about me because I am not going to live my life in confusion, his decision was to try. I get this sick feeling in my stomach when I think about all the lies and him being with other girls. He came over yesterday and said he wants this forever and doesnt want to leave me. I dont know if he is doing this because I had very nearly let go and started to move on with my life. There were little things he said to me yesterday that made me feel like are things really going to be different this time or is it going to be the same and more heartache and pain. Like for example he said he thought about what it would be like to be without me and he felt full of regret and he doenst want to regret anyhting in his life so he'd rather take the risk and try than to walk away as he knows that would be it this time round if he was to walk. But then at the same time he said he doesnt know how to tell his parents we are back together and wants to just spend time with me before he tells them, to me thats just a cop out, I mean, why does he need to wait to tell them? I feel very confused and very very scared, walking away is so much harder than staying with him. i cant help but feel that this is happening because I just about gave up all hope and he could see that, is it about the thrill of the chase with this guy as I cant tell if he is being genuine. After being messed around for so many years I just cant tell, I feel like i am being so silly. I dont even have the heart to tell my friends or family about this.
bubbles,
Have you ever known or even heard of a girl or woman, at work or maybe a neighbor next door, that was being hit on, beat on and so forth, that you would ask yourself…'Why does she keep staying with this guy?' 'When will she ever learn?'. ' She just keeps going back for more, why doesn't she leave him? Maybe she's had plenty of beatings, to be used to them by now. She knows the outcome. However, she at one time down the road…has had enough! She doesn't know the outcome of leaving, but if she would just do it!
I'm guilty of 'loving pain'. I have been going back for more… until recently. It finally HIT me! Enough is Enough! NO MORE CONTACT!!!
No more excuses! If only we had our own personal mentor or coach with us at all times, yelling at us and getting in our faces. But that isn't case, is it? We do have each other here, in this forum. To help each other out in our time of pain and confusion.
One of the things that I have just started doing has something to do with the cell phone. By the time this post goes up, I will be on Day_3 of the 'No Contact' rule. Not very long is it? But…it is. I'm going beyond what the ex, expects! She knows that I can only go a couple of days at best, and who is calling who? I have made that mistake so many times, that I am so predictable. However…I am so much stronger now! This isn't a plan to 'get the ex back', but rather gain some self respect and strength to continue the healing process so that I will feel better about myself. I don't want to hurry up and heal so I can find somebody else. Because rebounding is in a way, interfering with a long term, overall, healing and a healthy future relationship duration. In other words, I had jumped from a past relationship, that was not fully healed and started another new relationship, while I was still 'looking back', almost as if over my shoulder to 'see'. What if…
Sorry I got off track. Back to the cell phone situation. I turned it off all day today. I'm not turning it on either! I use my cell phone as an alarm, to get ready for work, however, turning it on, it does let you know if certain people have called…or not…
I quickly turned OFF the cellphone this morning and it has not been on since. Now think of this…if it were an emergency…my ex Can reach me at work or through other avenues. But now, I am in control of a cellphone, that I have been a slave to! Not seeing if she called or not…is showing signs of healing. Another thing to think about is this…when I was talking to her, I hung up the phone dazed and confused. I have so much more to talk about, as long as I am making sense and helping you on your journey to recovery.
OK so taking your advice, I have switched off the cell phone! He doesnt actually have my personal cell number anymore as I changed that and never gave it to him, PHEW! But heres the deal, I realised that this guy doesnt want me for life, as his wife, fiance or girlfriend, or to even get serious. Its all about his self satisfaction, someone to go out with. And the worst part of it is, what exactly do I love about this person? I am in love with who he USED to be or at least made out to be anyway. He will up and leave when the next girl comes along, I am so sure of it. So instead of cutting all contact and going cold turkey, I am going to do this my way and slowly but surely alleviate this guy from my life bit by bit. It may take me a while, days, weeks, months even but I am going to do it because its what I need to do to be OK. I cant face being used by this guy anymore, I deserve so much more from someone that says that they love me. Right now love feels like its one big joke.
Hey Bubbles, I know this is very hard for you and actually it is very hard for me too…so we are in this together and I will not let you drown in your tears…take my hand and we will swim to shore and sort all this out. Or if you feel more comfortable, I will throw you a pair of my ex’s, and you throw in yours…and we will make a raft…LOL!!!
That last post was to make you laugh or at least, crack a smile!
You're not looking for someone that says they love you, but rather someone that shows they love you. Actions…words…not a joke at all!
Your healing process begins, only when you let it. Same with me and others. We have the hardest part of ending 'that past', don't we? I'm guilty of looking back, and wondering 'What?', 'Why', and Wendys…LOL!
I'm guilty of texting and leaving a message to the 'mother of my Great Son'…you see, The 'No Contact Rule' is very difficult when you miss your son or daughter. I am shackled to 'this person', or ex, as long as I live. But, you have no children, with this creep and you're not married either, so break it off with him and move your life up and over his!
Another day and I'm struggling once again whether to end all contact. I tried no contact yesterday, but the minute I received his voice mail message, I couldn't resist the urge to call back and did – so once again, I have to start all over and it hurts thinking about the fact that I have to try again today. I didn't turn off my cell this time, because I'm not sure that's working for me. It doesn't stop me from wanting to know “if” he called. In fact I've looked at the phone several times today just to see if he did, he hasn't and now I'm a mental and emotional wreck. I want to call him, but I'm afraid I won't reach him — I don't even know if he is working today…another time he didn't let me know whether he would be working and that's where I can generally reach him. He hasn't emailed today and I'm hurt and angry. I want to call him and say “this is exactly one more thing that you do, that hurts so much – not thinking enough about me to keep me informed of what's going on with you. You would think after the last big fight about this, you would be sure to tell me, but you didn't. We even spoke last night and you said nothing, but what you did say as you hung up was “I'll talk to you.” What the heck did that mean? When would we talk again? Normally you say I'll call you tomorrow, so in a way I'm pretty sure you said it this way because you knew you would be off work and there was no guarantee when you would be able to call me. [yes, I'm talking to him via this post, hopiing that it will help to keep me from picking up the phone and saying any of this to him directly]. Ok. let me pause for a moment and turn the damn phone off again. Done. But how in the world is this going to really help me because I know when I do turn it back on, I'll be looking to see if he called and if he doesn't it is going to hurt, but it hurts now. I don't know which pain is worse. In my mind I'm saying at least I did something, but I feel so weak about all of this. My nerves are literally shot and it doesn't help that I haven't slept at all, air conditioner is on the blink, problems with one of the TV's, lady coming to house to do hair, A/C repair man on the way and let's not forget, all this and I'm supposed to be working (telecommuting) from home today. Oh yes, did I mention another friend is at the house with me, who thinks I stopped seeing this person back in January…all this going on today and all I want to do is cry – but I can't; have to hold in all the tears and pretend like everything is ok. What a mess. Another example of why this relationship has to end, because I'm tired of having my emotional stability turned upside down on a daily basis. I hope my posting privileges are activated on this site now and my post goes through, and somebody can help me settle down and at least hold it together just for today.
You have to find it in yourself to cut off all ties. It's easier said, than done, I know. Unless You have children together, never look back. The “No Contact” rule, is by far, the best thing you can do for yourself.
Good Luck
I had to go back and read your post one more time. Sometimes I am so into my own problems, that it clouds my ability to give advice that may help you in your time of need. I believe if we have similar problems, we can help each other out with words of wisdom. There are so many people struggling every minute of their lives, on many levels of basic human survival…just to get through the day. Most people take it for granted that being loved and accepted, is enough to get from point A to point B. Being where we are at now… we know better! I want to continue helping you if I am. I still have alot to say.
I'm reminded of Jazmine Sullivan's song, “I'll bust the windows out your car.” I want an explanation but at the same time, I know it's going to be a lie. I really just want to see him on his knees crying so I can slam the door in his face. I want the opportunity to hang up on him. However, he's avoiding me and our son. And I know he's only going to come back when I'm 5 minutes away from being over him. Why did he hurt us like this? It could NOT have been worth it.
Would it be against the no-contact rule to wait and see if she will write back to you.
Not at all!
You give away your power by waiting for them to contact YOU. You will keep checking your emails and phones obsessively. You will became a slave to this.
Best thing is to eliminate all possibilities of contact, like change phone-numbers, email-addresses, etc.
This sounds exaggerated, but it will speed up your healing time.
Upon further review of Mr. Corbanos' reply to Jay, I was wrong in saying it is ok to wait for a reply from your ex. What he says, makes perfect sense.
My situation is different than most people. My wife and I have a three year old son. He lives with my wife, as of Thanksgiving last year. Two months ago…my wife admits she is seeing an old flame, whom she has a nineteen year old son with. She is Very Happy! After many different attempts to make this situation work out for everybody involved, I have decided to go against what most people told me, considering I have a three year old son in the middle. They said the 'no contact rule' is out of the question! I have to say that when all else fails…do it! I will give more details later.
I will have been broken up from my boyfriend for 2 weeks on Friday, he broke up with me, deleted and blocked me on facebook and i'm pretty sure has blocked my number on his phone so that he won't receive my texts.
We didn't break up over anything major,he said he would come to the pub and meet my friends and then didn't show up.When i got home and rang him to ask where he was he said he had fallen asleep, i asked him if he's try and tell me in future if he wasn't going to show up and he hung up.
I agree that no contact is important and essential for moving on, but when you are the person who is being blocked from contact and you don't feel you've done anything wrong, then somehow it seems an injustice!
The No Contact Rule, is by far… the most difficult… but also, the most revealing. It is a very hard thing to follow through. But, by doing it, you will know exactly where the two of you stand.
I hate you with the fire of a thousand suns. I miss you so much it hurts so bad. I cry every day. Its only been 10 weeks. It took you 2 weeks to find someone new and one week to fall in love with her. How is that okay by any standards of fairness in the universe. I'm tired of missing you. I'm tired of loving you. I'm sad that you moved on so easily and it kills me knowing you never think of me. It hurts worse in the mornings. its terrible. All I wanted was to build a future together. I can't imagine the pain every going away. I have maintained no contact for 10 weeks – I used to look at your facebook but I do not any more it hurts too much. I need to let you go. I need to move on. It hurts so bad it feels like I'm going to die still. It comes and goes in waves. I know you were wrong for me and I did the best thing possible by breaking away from you. I have been working on myself every day and this will turn out to be a good experience but, it just hurts so much right now.
Your pain is shared by many. Your relief is on it's way! A year from now or shorter. You will think 'another day'.
i feel on this comment.
its an intense feeling when you know someone you loved with all your heart has an ability to stop wanting to be with you, then moves on to the next person…as if you didnt even exist.
my exgirlfriend turned cold, i never would have expected the ruthlessness she unleashed.
But what happen when the dumper brak up with you when he is still in love with you? this thing happens often, actually it did happen to me. He left me because he had mental health issues due a traumatic childhood and he did realize that he needed to heal him first in order to be happy with me. At least that was that he said to me for a reason to break up. Shouldn't I believe him? I am not going to contact him anyway but I was just wondering about those relationships that vanish being the two of them in love with each other.
so my ex boyfriend and I broke up 3 and a half months ago in Feb.He broke up with me because of a fight we had that totally didn't even make sense. He is sometimes emotionally distant. We were together for 14 months, I even cooked for him, would buy him presents here n there, we even took vacations together. I thought it was the real deal. Except that he would never really do much for me.
Well he never ever talked to me again. The next day he blocked me off facebook and aim and wouldnt respond to me at all. So then a couple days later i drove to where he was (we were long distance by 2 hours) and told him (by calling his job bc he would never answer me on my phone) I was there n he said I don't even deserve 5 mins of his time so I went home and after that i never contacted him for another 10 days n he was very mean to me on the phone saying that he's moving on etc and the fight was too much. He didn't even fight for me or anything. Just picked up and left. So after that I never contacted him for the next 2 and a half months.. I even heard stories of him talking to his ex again and other girls which hurt me a lot. I finally stopped looking at his facebook for like 2 weeks no bc it would just hurt me, i even deleted all his friends too to help me get over it. Well I have been doing well but yesterday I wrote a txt saying “hi. i don't hate you anymore for leaving and never looking back.After time, I saw it as a good thing w perfect timing. maybe one day we can be friends. there's no need to respond to this, but I wish you the best in life.”
I wrote it because I felt that it was the last stage in my healing process. I recently got into grad school in another state and will be moving away in August so I know there is no hope and my future is much better now without him but I still get sad. He didn't write back but at 2 45 am he text me asking what I was doing n i knew he was drunk so I just said leave me alone..then next day I felt bad so I wrote him n said sorry for the rude texts, thought it was a drunk text. my bad. and all he wrote was its all good. Haven't wrote back to him since.
But now I feel like im at square 1. I tried to be the bigger person even though he hurt me, I wrote him that text because I wanted to end on a clean slate and move on finally and I know that I'm so much better off without him bc he has nothing to offer me and we are never going to be on the same level (emotional, educational, financial) but why do I still feel sad?? I guess because the casuality of it all. “Its all good” seemed so casual. I felt like I never got the closure I needed and this was the closest to it.
What should I do??
Please I need some advice…
I broke every connection to my ex, from phone numbers to facebook but I still have to see her everyday at college, we have all the same classes, what should I do or how shold I behave?
Hey Gustav,
I’m in your same situation and I have tried two approaches. I tried being friendly with him (stupid me didn’t wanted him to think that he had hurt me and tried to treat him like a friend). Well.. he reacted by telling me that he loved me and wanted to get back. That was worse so.. I tried ignoring him… that one backfire too, he got mad and tried to pick a fight with me calling me a f*&#! liar (and saying a lot of non sense).
So.. here is my advice: Try to avoid her, as much as possible but if you can’t, treat her like she is another person in your class. And if she isn’t a nut like my ex she will respect that and leave you alone.
Hope everything works out!
Hey Sheryl, Thanks Ill try to ignore her and to avoid every kind of contact although I have to admit, its really hard, I still have all these feelings for her, I just need to hang in there… and I understand your situation, at the beginning I tried to be my ex`s friend but it just didnt work out and at the end I was the one saying a lot of nonsense. I guess love makes people do crazy things.
…Ok so for the last 4 days I used the NO contact rule, and everything was so good, eventhoug I saw her at college I was doing just fine.
But last night there was a party and I decided she was not going to be the center of my life, so I went, Just to realize that she was the only reason I was there… Now I understand that the NO contact rule should not be used with any hope or agenda other than the goal of getting over your ex and to forget so you can heal faster.
Last night I was weak and it was like going back to day 1.
But now I know I have to do this for myself and not for her… Because im tired and i feel terrible, I just want to smile again and be the cheerfull guy I once was
Don't beat yourself up Jake. Sometimes it takes a few fall-backs until we realize what the no-contact rule is all about.
Just hang in there!
You're definitely correct Eddie, sometimes fall-backs makes us realize the importance of totally following the no contact rule. There were times were I my ex sent me a message and there were times where I read it. I was happy knowing the message was from him but then days after reading the message I felt loneliness and longing for more message from him. Expecting hurts a lot.
I decided to have 0 contact with my ex, deleted her from facebook, msn, everything but there is a big problem, I have to see her everyday in college… any suggestions?
A piece of advice, If you breakup and live together, move out as soon as possible, regardless of the love or the hopes you might have.