How does the “Dumper” feel during No Contact?
What psychological effect does this have on them?
Why do we even want to know?
The answer is, of course, because we secretly hope that they realize that they’ve made a terrible mistake, contact us, and get back together with us again.
But is this the real reason we went No Contact in the first place?
No.
At least, it shouldn’t be.
But these questions are legit, as the answers can enable us to counteract possible contact attempts by our Ex.
Going No Contact with an Ex may very well push their buttons.
The Psychology Behind No Contact
The real purpose of the No Contact Rule is to get YOURSELF back … not your Ex.
While most people already know how important the rule is for their recovery, they nonetheless look for loopholes to break it.
The truth is — and I’ve been preaching this for over 12 years — that following the rule is an essential precondition to healing from a breakup or divorce.
The problem with this rule is that we do not recognize its necessity right at the beginning of the breakup. We only begin to understand after we’ve had bad experiences with “being friends” with them.
Why do we aspire to stay friends with our Exes, even though we sense that it’s bad for us?
(MORE: No Contact Rule After a Breakup: The Definitive Guide)
Let’s examine this further by looking at the psychological effect No Contact has on “Dumpers” and “Dumpees” :
1. Psychology of the “Dumpee”
The Dumpee wants to stay friends for the obvious reason:
They don’t want to lose their Ex.
If they can’t be with them as romantic partners, then why not as friends? This way, they'll be still around.
The secret (often subconscious) hope is that they can turn everything around and get back together again.
If this is your motivation, then I’m sorry, I have BAD news for you:
It doesn’t work this way.
You really don’t want this, for various reasons:
- The Dumpers WILL treat you as a friend! Are you really prepared for that?
- They may take advantage of you for occasional sex without commitment (this is especially the case for male Dumpers).
- You will have expectations they certainly can’t fulfill: You love them, but your Ex doesn’t return the feeling.
- You will continuously be looking for “signs” that there is still a chance (this will destroy you in the long run).
- It will prolong, if not prevent, your healing.
Let’s take a look at the Dumper. Why would they want to stay friends or still in contact?
2. Psychology of the “Dumper”
The Dumper will test your determination.
The Dumper wants to stay friends for nearly the same reasons as the Dumpee, only their motivation is different:
- They often want you around because they also don’t want to lose you.
- They want you as a safe fallback if something goes wrong in their lives (if their new girl/boyfriend dumps them unexpectedly).
- Some want you for occasional sex.
- They want to make it “easier for you” (which, of course, backfires).
- They want to be around to “help” you.
Cutting off contact with the Dumper often triggers a “reaction,” because it means that the Dumpee takes back their power. They are signaling that they don’t want to be dependent anymore.
Some Dumpers don’t like that and will make an attempt to get their power over them back.
This is the reason Dumpers eventually contact the Dumpee.
They are merely testing you.
But let me be clear: This is NOT what you want.
Their newly found interest for you is NOT genuine.
One of the most important prerequisites for the No Contact Rule to work is to not fall for their games of power.
What You Should Do
The best thing a Dumper can do for the Dumpee is to help them follow the No Contact Rule by proposing (and enforcing) it themselves.
It’s easier for them, anyway (because they already separated themselves emotionally during the relationship), and it will help the Dumpee a great deal.
It may be perceived as cruel and cold, but you are following an ulterior motive that will help them in the long run.
If you are the Dumpee, then make it clear to yourself that you don’t need another talk, you don’t need closure — all you need to do is accept that it’s over.
MORE: How to Get Over a Breakup: 3 Proven Secrets That Worked for Me
You will go through the different breakup stages much quicker and eventually learn all the reasons that lead to the breakup.
This, of course, hurts like hell, but ultimately, it’s better and easier for both parties.
Think about this.
Maybe for you, it’s necessary to make YOUR own experiences; perhaps you will have to learn the hard way which choice is the better one — we often learn better by making mistakes.
Either way, I don’t want you to beat yourself up.
See the decision of going No Contact with your Ex as a milestone on your way to independence and happiness. It's a path that will be bumpy at times, but ultimately, you will be proud of yourself because you’ve made it!
Your friend,
Eddie Corbano
I’m nineteen years old and have just become both the dumpee and the dumper. Three days ago my partner of two and a half years got extremely drunk and behaved horribly to me. I told him I couldn’t take it anymore and that we were over. As we lived together I stayed in my room all day avoiding him, but by nighttime I realized even though he was sometimes horrible to me (lying, watching “videos” on the internet and yelling at me) I didnt want to be alone and all the bad things slowly faded and I remembered what a good person he was… I waited until he came home the next day (he stayed out all night drinking with his friends) and I asked him what he wanted to do (expecting him to say he wanted me back, as he had sent me texts the night before saying he loved me) and he said…. Its over for good and I only want to be friends, I dont treat you well and you know it and we have lost our spark. Realising it was over for good KILLED me inside. Both nights I have been awake until 3am and waking up at 7! I cannot eat, cannot think and I have been taking painkillers to try and knock me out. Its SO hard to maintain the no contact rule when he is in the next rooom…. But i cant go back home to my parents as their is no room and I cant get my own place because I cannot afford it… All i want to do is run into his room and BEG him to take me back… I keep seeing this as my fault now… I mistrusted him, i snooped on his emails, i was never positive towards him and I think I became nothing and unhappy. I dont know how to find who I really am and the possibility of dating someone else scares me as I believe my ex is the perfect person for me… But then I remember the bad…
Please help I dont want to be alone.
Ok, it’s been 2.5 months, and I still feel terrible; I want to tell her how much I hate what she’s done to me, how I can never forgive her, and the fact that I still love her is tearing me in two; but I know she wouldn’t care.
How do you stop thinking about someone you love who no longer cares for you? She just goes round and round my head making me feel worse and worse; I can’t concentrate at work, I no longer enjoy the things I used to because everything reminds me of her, if this is what love does then I don’t want it.
My boyfriend of 3 years just broke up with me. We’ve had some bumps in our relationship that we have had to work out. We have broken up and gotten back together. Both him and I have initiated a break up in the past. It is not healthy but we never last more than a few days apart. This break up is it. The big one. It’s over for him and I can’t accept it. It all started when I brought up marriage a few months ago. I wanted to get married. We have lived together for a year and my son thinks of him as his father. He just told me that he doesn’t see himself ever getting married and that there is no excitement left in our relationship. Last month he had told me that he doesn’t think he’ll ever get married so I was packing up my stuff to leave him. I stayed at a friends house for a week and my boyfriend then had proceeded to begging me to come back and work on things. That he wasn’t ready now but he could possibly be in the future. He would tell me how much he loves me and doesn’t want to be without me. I decided to come back and give it another shot. I love him tremendously and don’t want to be without him however, marriage is something that I ultimately want and don’t see the point in staying with someone who doesn’t want the same things. I just don’t understand how things with him can change so drastically in one month. I have loved him and always loved him and always wanted to get married. Last month he was so determined to work on things but this month he says he isn’t happy and is bored with the relationship. I just don’t get it and I don’t understand. I have made the mistakes of pleading, and crying in front of him. I’m trying to work on that I won’t be doing that anymore. Sometimes it is just hard to control. We still live in the same apartment. I have no family and friends around and I am going to school full time so I can’t move away. I just need some advice on what to do. I don’t know if I can save this relationship but I really want to try.
Hi Eddie,
I recently broke up with my boyfriend (after postponing it for quite a while). I simply see no future for us together as a couple – because of our lifestyles and goals in life, because of our circumstances (I am just now moving to another city (although not too far away) and for many other reasons. We spent about 9 months together. Even in the beginning, I did not see us going very far together, but circumstances forced me to change my view for a short period of time — I went through some fearful experiences and he happened to be there for me exactly when I needed him. So, all of a sudden, he had become a source of support for me, at a time when my other friends simply weren’t there to give me a hand. In any case, the illusion of falling in love evaporated within the next months and I had even more strongly gone back to the realization that we won’t be together for much longer. I postponed breaking up for a couple of months – a time which now I see as wasted for both of us – because at the time, I could not find the emotional strength and the motivation to leave. I knew it would happen anyways, as I was scheduled to leave the country for a few months. While I was away, we kept somewhat sporadic contact, and I realized – again and again – that I cannot keep him hoping, and so we talked it over the phone and email – cowardly, I know, but I felt I wouldn’t do it otherwise.
I recently came back to pick up my things and see some of my friends in the area, and we met on a few occasions. We had negotiated remaining friends, and he helped me with a few things around resettling. On one occasion, we almost hooked up and I was very upset about it all and was quite depressed for the days that followed. I felt betrayed and I also felt I could not trust him, and I couldn’t trust myself with him, either. Still, the accident did not in any way change my decision for not being together. I only got much more scared I might have to fight for it harder. We talked a lot about it, and he apologized, and said this would never happen again. I didn’t trust him completely and I just said I wanted to take the rest of my things from him and not see him again. Initially, this is what happened, and it felt like a closure. But in the days following, I was reflecting on our past experiences a lot, and had so many questions to ask him – about his perceptions of what was happening between us at the time. I guess I was looking for another excuse for breaking up with him, another thing to tell me this would never work, so that I wouldn’t feel so guilty. The breaking of no-contact broke the spell, more or less, and we ended up going for a bike-ride together, as friends. It felt reassuring to see everything was going well with him, and it was overall a good experience.
The problem is, he constantly reassures me he wants us to be just friends, and I do not believe him 100%. I do think we need some time away from each other with absolute no contact in the meantime, and maybe after, once we are all so beyond it, give friendship a chance, starting from scratch. I am simply not ready for this. But he says he is, and he gets somewhat offended when I tell him I need time for this. What do I do? I can’t promise we can be friends, although I wish I could give it a chance at some point. All I know is that I need no contact for a while. How do I phrase it in a way he would not misunderstand me?
Thank you,
Hi Eddie
This relationship has really killed me (not in the literal sense of course) but I really can’t understand why I cannot get back on my feet.
You see, after 3 years my ex and I had broken up and a year and a half later I went back to him, we then thought we sorted all our issues and we ended up buying a house together and thought we resolved it. It went to crap after another year and I was told to leave. The house was under my name too but because I didn’t put any money into the deposit I had no say. But that’s another story too.
At the same time my best friend of 20 years didn’t talk to me anymore. She just left without explaining anything. Mind you I tried to get in contact but she really shut me out.
I’m a really easy going person, I do have many friends but it seems the people that I cared most for just didn’t want me around any more.
So I am going through this even harder than the first time I broke up with my ex. This time it’s just too hard. I’m not feeling sorry for myself, I just think I want to get out of this grieving mood but I can’t seem to shove it aside.
Since we broke up he hasn’t contacted me or I him, and to be honest I really don’t care. Maybe I need to see someone. It’s really killing me this time.
H
how hard it is, no contact is a really good thing..but extremely difficult when you are living in the same town, going to the same bars and sharing a best friend (with whom you hung out a lot together). the first 3,5 months after the break up was no contact at all, a good thing that i was doing a study abroad in France (mainly the reason things went wrong)…but since im back, we keep running into each other a lot…he has moved, a new girl, a horrible girl. It’s not my business, but I guess i still care. Im doing well and better each day, with ups and downs. I’ve accepted it, and accepted that some things, you will never understand. I also learned that I am a much stronger person than my ex, who is totally uncertain, doesn’t know what he wants and does the opposite thing of what he’s said. I’ve learned that you cannot make a guy more mature (talking about early twenties), and that I shouldn’t want that, since it would never be a balanced relationship. I have learned that I need someone equally as strong as me, to keep up with me, and to complete me. Not only I have to complete someone.
One note of Eddie in the newsletter about ‘When No contact is hardly avoidable’, I experienced myself. : keep contact as low as possible, cause eventually, your ex will try to see if something can ever be fixed, even if it’s just when they are single or lonely. Do not fall for that. A long period, i would’ve fallen for it, but not anymore. I am stronger than that, and came to realize, I deserve much better. I also realized I am so young (19 year old), and have a whole life in front of me to experience new love.
Eddie, you are a genius. Your website is great, your blog’s awesome. You write just the right things, and you write about all the theme’s and subjects I was struggling with. Keep up this good job, I learn from your website everytime, and it really helps me to see, i’m not alone :).
S.
Its been 2 months now since my fiance split up with me; for the first month I was broken and unable to think of anything except her; then I moved into my new house, got settled, went out a lot with friends and it wasn’t too bad. I’ve just had a week where people weren’t doing much and this week I’m looking after my son and once again she’s all I can think about; I don’t know what happened I was doing ok, but I feel broken again, I dream about her every night, everything reminds me of her and any mention of relationships or sex on tv/in magazines sends me into depression.
I know it’s the wrong thing to do, but all I want is to go out and find a new girlfriend to prove to myself that I’m not a sad loser that no-one could want.
@Kelvin –
I completely agree with the quote that you said because I finally heard the truth from him today and for some reason, I’m glad that I got to hear the ugly, horrible truth. It helps me kill any hope of wanting to be with him or getting back together. I was just so hung over the thought of him being the one and that no one can replace him at all. He was just perfect for me but after hearing about how I was completely used and made a fool just for his own satisfaction, I’m just so angry and really hurt.
He admitted that he only used me as a rebound from his last relationship and that he was only going after me for shallow reasons and enjoyment. I was just some new girl that he picked out and was planning to dump after a max of one year. The whole entire time, I was giving into the relationship my all and I was serious. But it was all just same type of game to him. He found me to be boring after a short while but kept me around and led me on. He waited so long to tell me the truth and didn’t care how much it’ll hurt. He continues to like other girls on his own while he already has a gf and said that he lied about how he wants to settle down. He’s the one that said it first too, I never force him to talk about the future. He just completely led me on and use me like a fool, he knew my past and how much it’ll hurt me a lot in the end but still went along because he was doing it out of selfish means. He admitted to hiding everything like making a new messenger, new facebook, new everything behind my back and cheat. But thanks to his confession, I can finally bring myself to delete and get rid of everything about him and block him from my phone. Even till the end of the talk, he continue to put salt on my wounds by telling me how wonderful this coworker is and stuff. Now that I think back, he would always defend the OTHER girl and put me down or not care about how hurt I am. I’m glad to be rid of this heartless jerk but he really left a huge wound on me. It hurts really bad still but I can finally see at least the light at the end of this horrible, gloomy tunnel and know that I’ll be better someday eventually.
I gathered the courage to tell my mom and amazingly, she wasn’t mad at me for hiding so I’m glad that I found some comfort in someone. Right now, I just need to get my priorities straight and focus on what I really want and that I don’t need someone that pretends to care and just dump me to the side whenever they want, to make me happy.
I’m so thankful that I came upon this site because it really helps me quickly realize things before I put myself through pure torture for a long time without knowing how to start getting better. I hope that the no contact rule will make me stronger and help me move on quickly.
@ Heidi
I completely understand what you are going through. There were a few weeks where I dreamed of my past happy life. I woke up in the middle of the night realizing that past is no longer here. I shed tears. I thought my life was a bad nightmare and I just wanted to wake up. I begged God to take my pain away. In time, the pain eased but memories are there.
I also understand about confiding in someone. My ex was my best friend and she was someone I go to with all my issues. I had no one to voice out my heartache. I had friends and families but I didn’t want to keep re-telling the same old drama. I know how you feel.
If you need to bounce your feelings off, email me.
goliath7@hotmail.com
I will listen…
@Kelvin –
Thank you for the encouragement but it seems unbearable right now. It’s making me feel more sick than I have in my life, I just wish so hard for the pain to go away or that he’ll realize that he made a mistake and take me back. The nightmares don’t help either, I’m glad that you sound like you’re moving on with your life and start to realize things you overlooked, I just wish I can reach your point soon. The hard part is that I can’t confide in anyone cause I didn’t bother making close friends when I was him and my family didn’t allow me to date him so I had to hide everything. It’s hard to act normal when I feel like crap inside. I guess people were right about how much first love hurts but I didn’t comprehend to the extent of how painful it is till now.
Thanks Eddie I’ll try
@ Holly
I do feel that I am getting better. With help from my family, friends, counselor, and websites, I’ve been able to understand my situation. I now KNOW that it was my fault. I put such an importance on my ex and that she is perfect. When she strayed, it broke my beliefs.
I know I am not where I want to be but I feel I going to that direction. My divorce isn’t finalized but it is coming soon. There was a quote in this website. “It wasn’t her that I miss, it was what I thought she was that I miss.” She was not perfect but was perfect for me.
I will move on knowing that she left a good thing behind. I will not understand why she did what she did, but it is no longer my concern.
…I now KNOW that it wasn’t my fault…
Thank you again.
@Kelvin – I must say I read this all the time – and you sound much better today than before (at first)! Hooray for you, I know your still sad but you are healing, I can tell in your written words!!
@J –
Hi J,
I feel your pain.
I am very surprised how many people actually work with their Exes.
It is a very difficult situation, I know, however there are some rules you have to follow to make this a little easier for you.
I talk about this in detail in the 2nd issue of my newsletter. Basically it means that you have to maintain the no-contact in your mind following the rules and avoiding certain things while you see your Ex.
It takes some discipline, but if you follow the rules you can avoid many fatal mistakes.
Hang in there and retake your life!
Your friend,
Eddie
Hi there,
Same as all the first time bloggers, I’ve discovered this site through google and I now have numerous printouts on my desk. I’m fed up of crying so I’m trying to piece together a plan of action but I need some advice as I’m in a bit of unique situation and its all my fault.
3 years ago my company moved to another country and they asked 6 of us to help start up our dept in that new office and I was glad to go for the adventure and the life challenge it represented. Within 3 months I realised there wasn’t much of an ex-pat community and I struggled (still do) to learn the local language. In that time I met a few other expats from other depts within the company who’d also moved and quickly 4 or 5 of us formed a tight knit group. We quickly became great friends, would hang otu after work and eventually I started to fall in love with one of the girls.
A year and half later we began dating after a lot of procrastinating and for about a year everything was great. Then I started to notice her switching off so I tried harder and harder to make things work. We’ve had some rough patches since then and last week she finally called it quits and I cannot remember being more devastated.
I knew it was coming but it didn’t lessen the shock, 6 of the break-up reasons on this site were given and I think she delayed the break-up because of guilt – I think I know that, I’m not sure, but its not any easier to know she might have suffered. I want to follow the no contact rule and I think she does but the problem is and to make matters worse our depts have now merged and I see her at least twice a day, my heart breaks each time. Our small group is now about 10 people big and I’m finding excuses not to socialise, they all want to be there for both of us and its causing a strain.
She’s said she wants to be friends and I think that’s also genuine but at the same time she’s displaying all of the traits mentioned elsewhere on this site. She wants me in her life but without the committment that I want. I feel trapped in my life and the only option seems to be to quit my job and move back home. I don’t want to give up my life over this, I don’t want to lose other friends over this but at the same time I’m heartbroken each time I see her.
I’ve taken onboard some of the advice on the site and kept eating when I wasn’t hungry, I’m exercising more, I joined a local football team to try and improve the language and meet more locals…..but then I see her every day and want to shake her, hug her and get some answers and some love
What do I do? Its killing me…
@ Heidi
I understand how much it hurts. You will not like to hear this but this is going to be very painful part in your life. I, too, am going through this but I am about 3 months ahead. I can tell you that I am a man of few tears but when my wife left me to “find” herself and got a b/f she cheated with, I cried many tears. It is not going to be easy but each day, little by little, it will get better. I promise you. I am still going through my divorce and each time I see her name, my heart yearns for her but I know deep down, she never cared for me. I learned that I’ve put her on my pedestal and it wasn’t healthy. I have put so much attachment that when she left, my health was in jeopardy.
Take it one day at a time. Friends and family has been very useful. Be productive. Exercise. Write a blog. Just keep busy. It does work for some reason.
Don’t contact him. He is not a man of honor and integrity.
I am trying to love myself and understand myself. You should too.
I am starting to realize the ugliness of my ex and I know you will be fine.
I don’t know if I am a good person to respond but this is how I feel.
To anyone that can help,
My boyfriend of almost 3 years just broke up with me yesterday after his yosemite trip because he said that he found out that he wasn’t happy at all in our relationship and that he had fun but it was happiness. He realized how much happiness he felt just from not being with me or talking with me for a few days.
Throughout our relationship, it was a wild emotion roller coaster for me. I didn’t like him that much in the beginning but i gave him a chance cause he was sweet, caring, and said all the things i wanted to hear. I didn’t have that much of a childhood where I felt cared for so what he gave me, I held very dearly in my heart.
One thing that hurts the most in our relationship was that he lied and flirt with girls (unintentionally, he said) all the time knowing that it’ll hurt me but i always forgave him cause I tend to look more to the good things than the bad. He then told me yesterday that he only lied because he thought my standard was high but i find it hard to believe cause he lied even after I tell him that it’s okay cause I rather hear the truth. Then he told me today that he was chasing another girl at the same time when he went after me and he’s sorry for that. Like that didn’t hurt me more addition to the breakup. Everything just went so fast, just last week, we were hanging out and laughing and having fun but out of nowhere, this happened. I keep finding what I did wrong or how it all happened without me realizing. I just wish he warned me so I know that he’s not happy or something.
I made a really bad mistake by pleading and begging him to give me a chance to change even though I wasn’t sure what I did wrong, probably cause he lost my trust so much, I come off controlling and annoying. But of course, that backfires and made him more pissed off and say that he never wants to talk to me again. I’ve been spending almost 3 years thinking that he’s the one and that I will be staying with my first love and everything. I really want to try the no contact rule but it’s already hurting this much in the beginning and I have no control over myself to stop calling him or trying to get reason or a chance. It really feels like I can’t ever move on, I really thought we’ll stay together and that he was the one. I tried to be strong and just accept it but it’s so hard to do so. I know my situation sounds simple to get over because of stuff he did but I just can’t forget about him, it seems impossible right now.
Please give me advice on how to deal with this. But for the while, I will try the advices this great site offers and the experience of people who found the strength to move on.
My boyfriend of 2 1/2 years just broke up with me (a week ago Tuesday)…and this came as a TOTAL shock….considering we were suppose to move into a three bedroom apt 2 days later.
Monday afternoon we had a mild fight and he decided to go stay at his parents so we could cool off (its hard to give each other space in our one bedroom apt.) Later Monday night I got food poisoning and spent the entire night sicker then a dog….when my bf finally got home the next morning he was so cold and rude to me. As I was laying on the couch crying cause of the way he was treating me while I was sick, he told me he was leaving me. I, like most people, tried begging him to stay with me….when I knew that wasn’t something I would typically do….and he said he would think about it and get back to me the following day. After he left, I contemplated what he had just told me and realized no matter what his decision was….to fix this or not….I couldn’t be with someone who would put me in this much pain without fully thinking though everything. I cant tell you how many times I have thought about throwing in the towel and giving up, but then I would think about how much I did love him and how this was stupid and petty to throw away a relationship without at least attempting to work it out.
The next day he called me saying he would like to make this work….starting with dinner once a week (taken 10 steps back in my opinion)…after listening to him tell me how he talked with his brother, his brothers wife, his mom and dad and that most those people said he should leave me….I had to ask him “what do YOU want?” he then decided to throw in the towel completely. Its just so hard to grasp why he would talk to so many people about “our” relationship and listen to what they were telling him. Its one thing to get advice but another thing to do what other people say….obviously he’s a follower more then a leader. The following day he was at our apartment packing up all his stuff….while our dog sat there looking at him crying (and he wouldn’t even acknowledge her, which broke my heart….that’s was our child, don’t punisher her for our issues)
I still wonder what i did wrong, if i even did anything wrong. He insisted that it wasn’t me…and that he was just sick of responsibilities (i.e. vacuuming, dusting, doing dishes and being broke….things that come with “being an adult”) he wanted to move back home and hang out with his friends…. i know I should realize that I deserve someone more mature then that, but i loved him so much….and really did think he was the one.
i was never the one to talk about “our future” together (i knew we were meant for each other so no need to talk about it)….he was always the one who brought up marrying me and haven a family and buying a house….he even went to the lengths to take me engagement ring shopping and bought the setting (minus the center stone, cause of financial reasons)…i never asked for it or pressured him into it….he more or less played that roll….
i can understand if the move was to much fro him but why wouldn’t he walk to me….why wouldn’t he tell me how he feels? Especially when we discussed this move for well over two months…and we even went shopping for stuff for the place that Sunday (before he broke up with me)…..
im glad i found this site and realize im not the only one suffereing!
My bf of about 6 months recently broke up with me. I have bipolar disorder and it makes my life very hard to deal with alone at times. I stopped taking my medication which was a disaster. I would get irritable and upset with him, start arguments over nothing and just be sad. But as bad as it was, to have someone that you could call at 2am when you cant sleep helps you cope.
The night he broke up with me i was already feeling bad, but after that i attempted suicide. I ended up in the ICU and the Psych ward for almost a week. I didnt contact him during that time. When i got out i told him that i hadnt called because i was in the hospital (didnt say exactly why i was there). But for a while on the phone he was so cold to me.
It just hurts to know that someone doesnt care enough to see how im doing. He said we would see each other “eventually”. I feel like i need him right now, even as a friend. i havent eaten in days and the simplest things are so hard to do. My boss even suggested that i take time off to work on me. but i miss him so much. i just want to call and say, “im better now and i promise to be good. i just need you to care right now.”
Dear Eddie,
Thank you for sharing your experiences with us. You are like having a friend I can trust and have a coffee to just talk.
I’ve just saw a picture of my former girlfriend. We went together for 5 year and it was the first time I saw her in almost 7 years. In her Facebook main picture (she just opened an account, and I knew it from the link of a friend from a friend) she was in her wedding dress, with her now husband.
I am somehow devastated: there she was having pursued her happiness with a huge beautiful smile in her face, and here I am, thousands of miles away, alone, in a room full of books and papers, still pursuing my dreams and feeling miserable, lonely, and putting all the guilt on myself and my dreams for not being the man beside her.
Though she broke up with me, and I dated other girls, a part of me never died of loving her. All this time I have felt miserable because we split in part because I was chasing my dreams or reaching my graduate studies abroad and away from her. So, when she left me for a very stupid mistake I made, and I couldn’t go back home to fight for her by quitting my school, I developed a love-hate relationship with my dreams that has extended for many years affecting my life even now… “I love” what I do (teach and learn) and at the same time “I hate” it because I blame myself for having lost the love of my life by being selfish pursuing my dreams.
“Not knowing” is for some of us the best…. that is true. But the world is small, getting smaller each time, so we (the dropped ones) need to develop the strength to face them (the droppers) in the future, somewhere, somehow, unexpectedly.
Finally, Eddie: How could I re-gain love (or stop hating myself) for my dreams? Was I too selfish by keep pursuing them, or it is just that Hollywood’s idea that you need to give up your dreams for pursuing the love of your life?
Thank you, keep your good work coming!
– GOB