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About The Necessity Of No-Contact

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The no-contact rule is the most discussed rule in the whole break up recovery field. You only need to check out the comment section of my article The Secret of How To Get Over a Break Up to see examples.

People know that the rule is essential, but are constantly fighting it – looking for loopholes to break it – which is understandable. Others, however, are reporting that the only thing that helped them to get over their Exes was following that particular rule.

It’s the most important precondition to healing from a break up or divorce.

I actually talk about this in detail in my free newsletter , but I just wanted to add some small things.

The problem with this rule is that we do not recognize its urgency in the beginning.  We only begin to understand after we have had some bad experiences with this “friend thing”.

Why do we aspire to stay friends with our Exes, even though we sense that it’s bad for us?

Let’s examine the “Dumpers” and “Dumpees” separately:

1. The “Dumpees”:

The dumpee wants to stay friends for the obvious reason: they don’t want to lose their Ex. If they can’t be with them as romantic partners, then why not as friends? This way they will be still around, and maybe it can be as close to as it was before. The secret hope is that they can turn them around somehow and get back together again.

I’m sorry to say that I have BAD news for you: It doesn’t work this way.

You really don’t want this for various reasons:

  • The dumpers WILL treat you as a friend! Are you really prepared for that?
  • They may take advantage of you for occasional sex without commitment, (this is especially true for male dumpers).
  • You will have certain expectations they certainly can’t fulfill – you love them, but your Ex doesn’t return the feelings.
  • You will constantly be looking for “signs” that there is still a chance, (this will destroy you in the long run).
  • It will prolong, if not prevent your healing.

2. The “Dumpers”:

The dumper wants to stay friends for nearly the same reasons, only their motivation is different:

  • They often want you around because they also don’t want to lose you.
  • They want you as a safe fallback if something goes wrong in their lives, (if their new girl/boyfriend dumps them unexpectedly).
  • Some want you still for occasional sex.
  • They want to make it “easier for you”, (which of course backfires).
  • They want to be around to “help” you.

Are these all legitimate reasons?

The Solution

The best thing a “Dumper” can do for the “Dumpee” is to refuse to maintain contact any longer. It’s easier for them to do so in the beginning, and it’s a sacrifice for their own good.

If you are the “Dumpee”, then make it clear to yourself that you don’t need another talk, you don’t need closure – all you need to know is that it’s over. You will realize the reasons for the break up, if not immediately, then after some time has passed.

This of course hurts like hell, but ultimately it’s better and easier for both parties.

Think about this.

Maybe you will have to make YOUR own experiences, maybe you will have to realize the hard way which choice is the better one – we often learn better by making mistakes.

Either way, I don’t want you to beat yourself up. See this decision as a milestone on your way to independence and happiness. A way that will be hard and rocky at times, but ultimately you will be proud of yourself, because you’ve made it!

Your friend,
Eddie

My Recommendation For Further Reading:

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About The Author:

is a breakup-coach, relationship-advisor and founder of LovesAGame. He suffered from a devastating break up in 1998. Since then, he dedicated his life to helping others getting the best of this existential experience. The overcoming of a break up is an important step to autonomy and independency. Eddie Corbano developed some new coaching programs, which focus on evolving inner strength and the power to set and reach any personal goal. (Article written on May 15th, 2009)
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  • Makkie

    @ Tany

    You will make it – I promise you, If I can so can you. It’s not easy but the biggest and the hardest thing to do is to let go. Once you have done that you are halfway there already. Take one day at a time, you get stronger each day.

    I went to a friends kid birthday party on Wednesday and all of my ex’s family was there. They were really nice to me, treated me the same, there was really no tension or awkwardness and despite everything I had a good time. Not forgetting that on xmas they met his new girlfreind. When I got home that night I was really sad. Seeing them all again and spending time with them brought back memories of all the times I spent with them before when he and I were together. The fact that they were so nice tome made it worse in a way. I suppose if they were ugly with me that would make it easier to deal with. But then I realised that I’m an amazing person, I built good realtions with these people. And I walked away from our realtionship with my integrity in hand. I can say I gave my all, 100% and they know that.

    Anyway I really wanted to call him when I got home that night (he wasn’t at party, out of town for work). and I had to gather every ounce of enery I had to NOT call him. I just kept telling myself, “YOU ARE STRONGER THAN THE SAD FEELINGS YOU HAVE NOW” and I didn’t call him. I take one day at a time. I still miss him, I still love him, probably will for a long time but I don’t miss or love him enough to want to get back together with him.

    Focus all your energy into everything else you can. Keep busy and keep reminding yourself that you are stronger each day, you are Happy, you are Healthy, You are Gorgeous!!!!!!!

  • Lizzie

    Wow, Makkie you are an amazing person. Bravo, you are a shining example of what we should all strive for in this difficult situation. God Bless YOU!

  • Makkie

    @Lizzie –

    Hi Lizzie.

    Thank You, you have no idea how much your kind words mean to me. I remember them especially on the “down” days when I need to be strong.

    I believe that every situation we are in, is the way it’s supposed to be.

    Have a fantastic day!!!!!!

  • anonymous

    I’ve been slowly deleting any and all forms of my communication with my ex and I’m feeling a bit better. trust me it hurt to delete him as my friend on FB, and his texts, etc. but I’m determined to stick to the no contact rule. its a bit tougher in my situation bc we work together. he emailed me along with another co-worker and i ignored him completely. i know if i can ignore him at work then i can ignore him completely.
    what i did wrong in my past relationships is that i still maintained contact and wanted to be “friends” with my ex’s and in actuality that doesn’t make you feel better it makes you feel worse.
    i’ve realized I’m no longer sad, but hurt at how he can treat me his supposed friend the way he did and to me he doesn’t deserve to be my friend or bf.
    reading everyone’s stories and the different advice eddie gives really is helpful. thank you everyone!

  • staying strong

    This is very inspirational. The one thing I really got from this is how you made yourself not call him. My down fall has been wanting to text or call him to have the security that he is still there. I am so afraid that I will always love him, and you made me see that I will always probably have feelings for him, but the strong emotional sadness that comes with that love will be uplifted, and I will love him but be happy that I don’t want to be with him anymore.

  • anonymous

    @staying strong –

    what i found that helps in wanting to just let it all out is writing out what you want to say or text to him. you’re letting out your feelings they just wont get to him. sometimes it just needs to get out.

  • staying strong

    come the weekend, and the intoxicated calls and text come in, that says he misses you and wants you back. How you do know if he wants you back or just saying it? And do you text back to keep things on good terms? And if so what do you say?
    In my heart I know he is playing games, I am not sure why but he is.

  • Makkie

    My ex and I broke up almost two months ago. I always thought I’d never be able to “BE” without him yet each day I get a little more stronger. The last few months that we were together I completely lost it, nothing else mattered in my life besides him and making him happy. I was constantly tired, unhappy, crying, jealous and insecure.

    Contact was always minimal between us since we broke up, my decision. He wanted to remain friends and I didn’t. If you read my other posts you will see the previous contact that was made. He always initiated the calls and text messages, even bought me a gift for my birthday.

    Sometimes were easier that others and at least 80% of the time I didn’t give in to temptation and reply to him or call him. Sometimes I really want to call him but If I wait a bit the feeling passes.

    However this last two weeks we have spoken to each other five times! If we talk and he talks about “us” I don’t reply, usually just change the subject. But it seems with each call we talk more intimate if I can put it like that. The last time we spoke he told me he misses me and he spoke about things he would of rather done when we were going through the last days of the relationship. He told me he thinks about me and how things would of been, if we had babies. He tells me he’s wanted to see me so much. That he doesn’t know how he can be with someone else after been with me. He says he is confused and that he doesn’t know what he’ll do if he see’s with someone else. This after he was seeing another girl a week after we broke up. He seems sincere and I can hear the remorse in his voice. He even wants to go and see a therapist to sort out his issues.

    I don’t think he expected me to handle the break-up the way I have. Ir’s brought me closer to my family and trully made me a better person. I make myself Happy now. Sometimes when I talk to him he makes me feel guilty about moving on with my life.

    I still love him very much and I miss him alot but I don’t think it’s enough to want to get back with him. I think the hardest thing is the someone to share stupid, silly things with. He was the closest I have ever been to another person. I bared my soul to him, he knew me like no one else and it’s hard letting go of that.

    I know that it’s best to completely cut all contact just like Eddie says.On the instances that we have spoken I always have control over the situation. Sometimes I get mad at myself and think that if couldn’t choose me and our love he shouldn’t have the privilidge of talking to me.
    Easier said than done though, my head tells me one thing and my heart tells me another.

    I know he chose to not be with me and I did all that I could. I know I will get through this and be a stronger person on the other side.

    My newest affirmation, “I’M STRONGER THAN THESE FEELINGS, I’M IN CONTROL”.

    Have a fabulous weekend.

    • danica

      HI Makkie, your post was very inspiring, wow within two months you have that strong personality. I admire you for being so positive. It’s been one month since we totally separated our ways with my ex. First he wanted to be friends with me but and I agree with what he wanted. We acted as friends for about two weeks but then later I gave up because it hurts me more. Everytime I texted him I waited for his reply but then his reply is always delayed. Maybe it’s because he don’t care for me anymore and within one week he already have new girlfriend. I think he’s busy texting with his new girlfriend plus he had wrong sent me a message. The sweet message supposedly not for me but for the girl. He did not apologize for that. I was the one who ask if that message is for me. By the time he told me it’s for his new girlfriend, I was devastated. But that time it hurts me more and more knowing that he’s texting me and at the same time he’s texting with her new girlfriend. I still miss him so much. That’s my weakiest point. Will I be okay?

  • LoveWasTheEgg

    Hi all,

    I’m so glad I found this website.
    I split with my now ex 6 months ago. Can you imagine he’e been yo-yo-ing me around, claiming he wanted to be friends, telling me he misses me when he has a new gf and in fact got with her 6 wks after we split. Although apparent she is a rebound, they are still together which is great for them but not for me when he has continued to speak to me on and off every week for 6 months. Whether his gf had any clue is an absolute mystery to me but frankly I don’t care anymore.

    I finally had enough and decided that No contact was best.

    Its been 15 days and counting and I am waiting for the magical day 60 to arrive because as much as I love him he is no way good enough to be with me. I’ve been blogging and venting and I can feel the old me returning as its been a long time coming!

    Slowly I can feel the control coming back to my life and I feel more sorry for her than me.:-)

  • Claire

    Hi, it’s been almost ten months since my ex broke up with me. he had a female friend who he was very close to. We didn’t like each other as I had always felt she was very inapropriate around him. She very childishly decided to start taking the mick out of me and him and our relationship and our sex life. I was very upset about this and furious, he did not want to get involved – i wanted him to have a go at her. But he wouldn’t do this as he didn’t want to upset her. He said that if he did she wouldn’t understand and she wouldn’t be his friend anymore. He dumped me cos he said he ‘would never let a girl come between him and his friends’ we had been together nearly four years. I was really hurt and deeply upset by this. I told him I wanted some time to think and after a few days he said I shouldn’t have needed time to think and dumped me. I then found out months later that he had got together with her literally a week afterwards. He said I should have just had a go at her myself and not involved him. Does anyone think I was expecting too much Of him asking him to stand up for me?

  • TJ

    Hello, this website has truly been a great help, I wanted to share my story and see what advice anyone could give. My ex gf recently broke up with me after a year and a half. I am close to 30 and she is about to be 24. She has a 3 yr old who I loved and cared for like my own. Everything seemed to be going great with the talk of marrage and our future. She out of the blue decided that she has never been on her own with her daughter and it is something that she has to prove to herself. I did everything for her and may even enabled her a little because of how caring and loving I am. I wear my heart on my sleeve. She has been through a lot in her life and hasn’t had a good upbringing. She moved into her own place and basically told me she cant do this with me in her life. She randomly calls or emails every couple weeks to tell me shes been thinking about me, but as soon as she does that I jump and want to talk about us getting back together. Then she gets mad and says mean things. It has been really hard and im not sure if I should just cut all contact and tell her to let me know if shes ever ready. She says she doesn’t want a relationship right now and shes not happy with herself. I dont know, any advice would help and a even someone who has gone through this or what shes gone through. Thanks, TJ

  • Juliette

    is very ispiring read all these stories, I just broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years, 6 months ago i had to come back to my country (colombia) to get my papers to become a resident of U.S, wso we were in a long distance relationship…he was in the states, we were the perfect couple…suddenly 2 months ago, he stop calling or answering my text, and when we spoke he was very cold, no the way that he used to…about 4 weeks ago my friend told me that he took a girl to a party were all our mutual friends went, he was kissing her. Then he called me to tell me because my friend told him if he dont call me they will tell me everything, so he did it a propose me to have an open relationship because he feels lonely and he needs to have sex, i was desvastated i didnt see that coming, and he told me that he love me but he just can wait any longer, so i broke up with him, however i called him few days later crying and telling him that i was confussed, he was nice to me, but i found out that the next day he flew to california to see that girl….then he wrote a text telling me that he went to see his family, and i told him that i knew that he went to see that girl…so i just said that he is free now…enjoy…and is over….he try to call me and i didnt answer….im so depress I cant sleep….im sad…is a month already and is so hard…i just pray god that this pain is over….

  • tony

    @TJ –
    TJ,

    This sounds very familiar. I was in a similar situation with a 29-year old who had a 4-year old daughter, had always been enabled by her parents and has never had to take care of herself. When we “fell in love” I quickly fell into bad habits of giving too much, and while she enjoyed the things that I did for her and her daughter, ultimately she decided that she wasn’t ready for a relationship, despite telling me that she wanted to marry me. Because things ended so civilly between us, I have thought about maintaining contact but found it to be too painful since I still want more. My advice is to back off for a while and see how you feel in a month or two. You have to also consider her child and not wanting to hurt her anymore.

    • TJ

      Hey Tony, I really appreciate the feedback, I was hoping top talk to someone who has been in a similar situation. Recently she has told me that she wants to begin dating me again, but at a very slow pace, so im not sure how to take that. I agree that we shouldn’t jump into a relationship again, and I know she is trying to feel independent and do things on her own, im njust not sure if I could handle a slow pace, but that may be the only way it works. We went on a couple of dates, but I found myself feeling a little different about her now, almost resentment and she seems to want to do things on her terms, as well as not putting much effort in, but i feel that is just because of how she grew up and she may not know how to love. I guess im just confused. Im sorry about your situation man, that is very tough, I think that what your doing is the best for you man, just give it time and focus on yourself, I know its hard, but maintaining no contact will b better for you and dont expect anything, becasue usually thats when something good happens. Keep your head up and continue to be yourself and give her time, im not sure the dynamics of your relatuionship, but if u ever need to talk, feel free to email me at cwebbshouse (at) yahoo (dot) com Hope to talk to you soon man. TJ

  • TJ

    CAN SOMEONE COMMENT ON THIS PLEASE
    If any of you have read my above stories then this is something new. My ex, who had been recently contacting me here and there called and wanted to go on a date with me becasue she missed me and couldnt stop thinking about me. We talked and agreed that we were going to take it slow, and I had her reassure me that she was serious becasue I didnt want to get my heart broken again. We went on a date, had a great time, hugged, kissed, and that was it. She talked about our future again and everything. 2 days later she invited me to ice cream with her and her daughter who is 3 and (csees me as her daddy, even calls me that). It was great. Then, I barley hear from her the whole week, the weekend goes by and I sent her a text becasue her grandma was in the hospital to let her know im here if she needs anything and even called her. No response, until on monday I find out that she was at the park with thia guy that likes her and has 2 kids of his own. I told her I was upset that she chose to spend time with him over me and she told me I was too needy and she didt know i she could do this. So basicly she screwed me over again and now I havent heard from her in a a few days. I am very crushed, hurt and upset. Why am I such an idiot, she told me she loved me, but it wasnt time yet, that she still was trying to do things on her own. Any suggestions, I am at a loss for words. TJ

    • Christine

      Hello my dear,

      I use to be going back and forth with my Ex and some how I know he loves me and I want to be with him so bad but, I am doing the “No contact” thing. It takes two to make it work and she is not taking how you feel into consideration. Yes she probably misses you or pity you that's why she probably invited you out. But, that's ok you give it try and it didn't go as you expected. (don't beat yourself up) But, PLS. try doing the “No contact” . Use the time for gym it release your mind of stress and always seek God to give you the inner strength.

      Best of luch

  • Stephanie

    @Nica –
    Hello Nica,

    I wish I had a magical answer that could prepare you for whats ahead, but, I don’t, but I can tell from your message that you’re smart and already on the right path…

    The NO CONTACT RULE (a rule which I broke several times) was really essential for me…for me it took trial and error in order for me to see that I couldn’t be “friends” with someone that I was still in love with and SO angry with. And, i wouldn’t ask myself until months later…why would I need someones friendship who treated mine so carelessly?

    So, to answer your question ‘am I okay?’ I have my days that something will trigger a thought of him, but, the difference now is that I’m no longer angry, I could’ve never moved on and still be as angry with him (and men and general) as I was. It was the biggest weight off of my shoulders. Time really does change your perspective, don’t expect to get over it in a specific time frame, just change your thoughts towards him and what your relationship really was…maybe what we went through was only preparing us for something/someone else! Whatever it may be…he now has his life to do as he pleases and I now have mine (which I neglected for a long time) and I’m no longer sitting at home waiting on a call or text (and like you, I did change my numbers). So STOP checking his email and facebook accounts (and I know its tempting), its only keeping you stuck in the now and the point is to move on…every text/call I got from him (and also the ones he never returned) took me back to a place that only reminded me that he had already moved on without me…don’t do that to yourself!

    YOU WILL GET BETTER…

    OH, P.S.
    The thought of wondering how “happy” he is with another girl, is really just your thoughts running rampant…because (this is my personal story…) I had the same thoughts about him being so happy with the EX wife that he went back to and about 2 months ago SHE sent me a message on Facebook asking me if he was still seeing ME!!!! So, that was a validation of sorts that it wasn’t me, HE had issues that he took into the next relationship with him…so, Nica, things are sometimes not what they appear on the outside looking in. In the beginning who doesn’t send sweet texts or messages? But, if he hasn’t corrected the issues that he obviously has to lie and cheat on someone, like you, who loved him, he will only do the same thing to the next girl…

  • Claire

    Hey, i first posted in here in i think it was July 09. I was crushed, i felt like my heart had been ripped out but my lungs were still somehow breathing. You may see my posts off ages ago down the line.
    I know how unbelieveably soul destroying it is, how hopeless things can somethimes seem and how some days you can barely even function or hold a conversation, and dont get me started on the sleepless night times…
    Well……..i didnt believe it myself, all my friends and family told me things would get better etc, i just thought they were saying it because they didnt know what else to say,
    Guess what, as horrible and hurtful as it was, i am now very glad things with my ex and i didnt work out, in fact i am incredibly grateful. he has just proved what a low life he is, these days when i think of him i dont even find him attractive simply and because i dont find his personality attractive because after what he did it completly changed my view of him. It took me a long time to shed the rose tinted spectacles.
    I have became a much stronger more defined personality, i am more sure of myself and my boundaries in relationships. im now happily single, and really grateful to my ex for teaching me so many lessons about love, loyalty and commitment, (things he diidnt really know much about)
    Seriously though no contact is the way forward, things do get better, even if it doesnt seem like it now. All the cliched sayings… times is a healer etc, really are true

  • TJ

    Hello, Its been a little while since I last posted and am still hoping to get some more feedback about my situation which is posted above. In my last post I mentioned that my ex came back in my life and we went on a couple of dates and things seemed to be fine, she was talking about the future again, but then she said that its to comfortable for her right now and shes trying to accomplish things on her own and cant make me a priority, basically breaking my heart again. Then she calls for stupid reasons, so I have implemented no contact and I have to admit I feel a lot better, even though I have a feeling there is still more to come with her. I feel like shes keeping me on the back burner, but then a part of me feels like maybe she really is trying to prove something to herself and she has like a time limit for herself. If anyone can comment I would really appreciate it. Thanks, TJ

  • Kevin

    Hey TJ, I read both of your posts.

    Although it sounds like there’s still a SLIGHT possibility of something working out between you two in the future, it’s also clear that her attitude towards you is very different and things will never be the same again.

    I have been in a similar situation as you, my ex and I decided to hang out after being apart for 6 months. Everything was cool, we even had sex a couple times and she spent the night at my place a few times too. Although there was mutual love and respect between us and the sex was just as amazing, things felt different. There was this air of distance between us that knew it was nothing serious (nor would it become that). Although this was by choice, it was still quite different and it was clear that what we had could never be resparked to the level that it once was. She was casually seeing another guy as well (even though she didn’t really like him all that much, she just enjoyed being courted and appreciated after being single for a while). In any case, now they’re in a relationship and she can only be friends. I can go on about the details but the moral of the story is: things have changed and they will never be the same. Even if you rekindle things, not only will they be different but it probably won’t last. What’s done is done and if she’s out of your life, it’s probably that way for a reason. I think the answer is to stop digging back into the past and accept it as it is and move on with your life. I know that may sound a little harsh or much easier said than done but it’s often the best solution.

    Best to you

    - Kevin

  • Cathy

    How silly it all seems, but so painful. Boy-You guys have laid in on the line for me!
    I’ve been up searching sites, looking for “permission” and the gult free escape of deleting an X boyfriend of 4 years off my Facebook.
    Lets get worse…..not me, my kids, who he keeps in contact with. (Keeps me in his radar….:) IM also wondering how or if I should lose contact with his sister and Mother. They still keep in contact, .They feel Im like Family. HA!!! That’s another knife in the chest, as sweet as it sounds. It’s gotton rediculous.
    After 4 years we broke up, One month later he met a woman. He soon left to the Army. 2 years he has been gone. 2 long years. The entire time we wrote letters to each other…..(Lots) phone calls as well. I supported him through it all, and he thanked me every dayy along with his pleads of still loving me and missing me. 2 Years I kept my life on hold. I found out he had married this woman while gone. Now he is home, with his new wife, and on Facebook……Still wanting to be friends, and out of respect I will not add him as a friend, due to him being married, but he has my kids on his page. He writes them little messages…I love you…..Miss yall…..and tell your Mom hello…He also wrote me and said he wanted to find a way to come see me. OH Lord…….pleeeeze. I truly loved this man, and although I never wanted marriage at the time, I know he did, and with a woman he doesn’t even know, and IM feeling like the 3rd wheel, as well as a fool. I need to cut ties…..and as hard as it will be…..I just wasn’t sure if I should,, I keep asking myself..Should I have married him?But now he has the best of both worlds. The “Friend thing” isn’t working for me anymore. How will I explain deleting everyone from his Family and friends, when I’ve been playing his support role accepting this situation all this time, (As his friend) Even his new wife thanked me for being there for him….Geeeezly.

    • TJ

      Hello, all I can say is that it would be best for you and healthier if you completely cut all ties, I know that it is hard trust me I am going through that right now and my exs little girl called me daddy. You have to let go, what has helped me is to think of all the hurt that you have gone through, someone who loves you or claims they love you would never treat someone they love like that. Trust me, the longer you cut ties from everything the easier it gets I promise, its like every day gets a little tiny bit easier. This is the best thing you can do for yourself and your children, its not fair to any of you. You have to cut ties with his family as well, I know its difficult but you have to take care of you know, you deserve a whole hella of a lot better. I hope this helps, take care, TJ

  • Nica

    @Stephanie – Steph thank you for your very inspiring reply. I really appreciate it!

  • Nica

    @Claire -
    Wow Claire congratulations! I hope someday, I, will also testify how okay am I and how true “time heal all wounds” is. As of now I’m on way. I just stick to Eddie’s advices as well as the advices from the people/friends who posted here.Thanks a lot!

  • MyJourney

    @ TJ…I’ve read your post and yes, you need to stop contact. You seem like a great person and you deserve more. I KNOW its not easy but you have to constantly tell yourself that….

    Well, today is day 13 of my no contact. We split in February. It wasn’t until April 7th that I stood up for myself and realized I could not keep up with the “casual conversation.” It was killing me. I sent her a long love filled email about even thou I do love her and fought with all my heart…I had to let go. I DO/DID feel so much better when I did it. It took away the “possibility of picking up my phone and seeing a text or call from her”…but it also made me sad that I may never hear from her again. In my email I told her that until…IF or WHEN she is ever at the place where she wants to talk to me seriously about us and the relatiionship (which she always avoided in our casual convo)…Then and only then is she to reach out to me. That way I know she isn’t just reacing out as a “friendly hello.” So, if I ever do hear from her…perhaps God has done something within her during this time of separation as he is moving in my life….IF I don’t, HE has something better in store for me and I’m excited about it!. Either way I had to have NO contact because being in the persons space, no matter ho small…doesn’t allot for them to actually MISS you or reflect on the relationship. If you’re always there…they know it, and it really doens’t allow them to feel the full magnitude of them NOT having you in their life. They shoulnd’t be allowed to have it both ways! You don’t want me…so you want NONE of me! Let them sit back and wonder, what you’re doing or how you’re progression for a change! Its nothing wrong with no contact as a means to make them think you are in s SUPER Great space…even if we secretly know we are struggling just to make it thru the day sometimes. I call it my Poker Face! Not that I’m playing a game but I have to not BE at her beckon text or call or email. I working on myself and no matter what shes doing on her end…I have to get to the place where I’m Ok. I realized that I cannot do that with Her IN my space. As much as I love her…I have to let time and space reveal what is to be….I will feel much better knowing that IF…and I said IF our paths should cross again, I stood up for ME and I let it go to maintain my own level of dignity and respect.

  • TJ

    @ My Journey, I want to thank you for your words, it really helps me hearing that becasue I am a spiritual person as well and I feel the same way. I have realized that I cant control what other people do and that things are happening for a reason. If we are separated right now so she can work on things like she said then that’s the way it is, and if not then like you said, there may be something else in store for me. I just keep going back and fourth in my head hat if maybe she really is dong this for herself to become a better person, she has never done anything for herself and she gave up everything with me to prove to herself that her and her daughter can make it by themselves for while, she said she has to risk loosing me to find herself so I don’t know. I guess if u love someone u have to set them free. I am on 3 weeks of no contact and I miss them both dearly. The only problem im having is that her birthday is next week and i feel that i should at least text her, can u give me ur advice on that, I know I shouldn’t say anything but I feel that it would hurt her and it would bother me.

  • MyJourney

    @TJ

    Yeah..I heard some of the same things from my ex.. “taking the biggest risk of her life possibly losing me…to find herself.” I can’t say if its true or not…I don’t know. Only God knows the real reason. But…we have to trust the HE knows and sees ALL. Even when we don’t.

    Do not contact her for her bday. If you do…be willing to not get a reply or not get the reply you want. If you send her a “happy bday” text…send it with both of those points in mind. You are doing so well with your no-contact…don’t risk getting a set back if you know you can’t emotionally handle her reply or lack there of. I would say don’t do it…but the last decision is up to you. I’m only 13 days into my no contact and I must admit today was a weak day for me…I called a close friend to distract my thoughts. I have to stick to my guns with this! If I don’t…I lose respect for myself and I can’t risk that. I’d rather deal with my hurt, shed tears and cry my eyes out..before I lose my self respect by contacting her. It doens’t mean I dont want to..or love her any less..it just means its just one of those hard things that has to be done.

    • Christine

      Hello all,

      I am going through a break up presently, It has been since Nov, 09 my boyfriend and I had a fight cause I wanted to know what's his intention with us taking our relationship to next level.. anyway I was sensing he doesn't want responsibilities I wanted a child and to get engage. Also, he was a mama's boy too his mom come between us too.

      Anyway he begged me back and I went back and forth cause it's was very difficult for us both. We slept and talk to each other.

      However, he told me he was also, seeing someone and all he can think of is me it really didn't bother me with the other woman but, I find out also, that he was still having her when he wanted to spend and break New Years 2010 with me. Could you believe it “I forgive him” cause I knew in my heart he love me.

      In Feb, 2010 we got back he apologize for all he have done and wanted us to get marry and the work things out. Also, he would live in separate apartment from his mom and that makes me happy.

      I was watching how things going up to April 2010, and he didn't even start the seperate apartment neither the engagement ring cause he said he wanted that. I taught he was ready to take the step but, he wasn't .

      So it was the hardest decisions I made I told him I was going to walk away cause he is not ready to take the step of our relationship. He make all kind of excuses as usually he don't have enough money to buy my ring etc. It's a lie I know his financial status I was with him for approx. 3yrs plus.

      I felt like he was wasting my time, so I leave. the last we spoke was on messenger on 22nd May, 2010.

      During Nov I taught I would die if I don't talk to him for a day but, I get through these day ok.

      I found your site on the same 22nd May, and I realise the effect of “NO CONTACT” thank you Eddie and everyone else.

      Oh and my EX still want me back but, he allow fair to rule him and I know he loves me too. He send me a text last nite (26th May, 2010) and then told me it was a mistake of course I didn't reply.

      But, I have to do this for me.

      So please let us talk to one another and help each other with our difficult times.

      I have question he text me last nite and then told me it's a mistake and apologise of course I didn't reply. He will text me from time to time how do I deal with that?

      Good luck to all of us.

      Christine
      Guyana.

  • TJ

    @My Journey, I understand, I know that I will get a reply from her, which will probably be thanks, but I know that I will probably do it anyways, but know not to expect anything. It will be exactly 30 days next wens on her b day, of no contact. Im sorry that you are having a rough day, I know how those are, just know that god is doing this to us for a reason and you never know, it could work out. If you need to talk, feel free to email me at tlibbon (at) yahoo (dot) com. Keep your head up, I have found that working out has helped me and the attitude hat things are the way they are for a reason, and not to expect anything great, until it happens and then we ill fee overjoyed. You sound like a great person as well and Karma comes back at some point you know. Talk to you soon, TJ

  • Mike

    I too was dating a girl with a kid for 2 years, we lived together and I did everything I could to make her happy. Through the whole relationship she always made me feel like I wasn’t good enough for her, I was emotionally drained everyday. I woke up every morning thinking of ways I could make her happy when I should of been thinking of ways to make myself happy. She left me about 2 weeks ago, I’m living in a new place with some friends just trying to get my life back together, I made it very clear to her that we can have no contact at all and for the most part she has respected that. I got rid of everything, pictures, cards, emails, deleted her from my FB and now i’m just focusing all my energy on my recovery.

    I joined a gym and anytime i’m feeling really sad i got work out, it really has helped. It’s funny because there are so many beautiful girls that work out there, but I can’t picture myself with any of them, I guess I just need to be alone for awhile and figure out what i need to be happy with myself before i can be happy with someone else again. I still tthink about her all the time, but i know that will past with time, i just wish i knew how long i have to feel this way.

  • TJ

    @mike
    Hey, I appreciate the feedback, it has been really hard and now her birthday is 2morrow and im conflicted becasue I know that in my heart I want to send her at least a text becasue I know she will be hurt if she doesn’t hear from me, but I dont want to open the flood gates again. I don’t know, knowing me I will probably do it, but anyone have advice? For u, I have to say that no contact really does make a difference, I wish I would have done this in the beginning but our natural reaction is to fight for the person that we love, that shows us we are real, and we know how to really love. Feel free to let me know if u ever need to talk, TJ

  • Mike

    @TJ –

    I’ve been focusing on all the bullshit that she put me through and how I feel totally used, it has really helped me to see that iI am better off with out her. She never really loved me, she just need someone to help pay the bills and fix shit around the house, and I did all that because i was under her spell… but the spell is broken and after along talk with my family last night I’m seeing her for who she really is, a selfish manipulative witch.

  • TJ

    @mike and everyone
    Well mike I know how u feel. I made the fatal mistake of breaking no contact today on my ex bday to be sweet and tell her I was thinking about her and her little girl. Haven’t got a reply, but one of my friends who is still on her facebokok told me there was a message from the guy with 2 kids she has been hanging out with(just friends of course she said) telling her happy bday honey and I cant wait for this weekend. Wow, talk about a steak through the heart, but I feel like u mike, I finally am done trying to justify things for her and realize that I was used and that she is a manipulative liar and everything about her independence and not wanting a man around so she could be on her own is such a crock. I did everything for her, turned her life around and she disrespects me and my family and friends. I just really feel sorry for her little girl who doesn’t have a choice and will probably have a few daddys in her life. I pray for everyone that is going through a tough time and just realize that god has someone picked out for all of us and that we r all wonderful good heart ed people. Life sucks sometimes, but karma comes back to all.

    • Mike

      I deleted her and all of our mutual friends from my FB, I felt bad doing it but I knew if I were to hear things about her seeing another guy it would just upset me more, so I’m just blocking it all out and pretending she never existed at this point. Im sure later on i’ll get over it and we may even been friends some day, but i dont see that happening anytime soon. For now its all about me and what makes me feel better.

      • http://lovesagame.com Eddie Corbano

        This is the right attitude Mike, just hang in there!

        • Mike

          Thanks Eddie, I find myself on this site reading and rereading all of your blogs just about everyday, they have really helped me and inspired me to want to help other people as well!

      • Gustav

        Well done man, I actually did the same yesterday, I was afraid that she might think I am chlidish, But hey at the end what I want is to get over her, and once that happens I wont care what she things at all.

    • Surfinramstein

      The No Contact rule to me, represents a death of sorts. When one is dead, one can't possibly email, write, see or speak to who ever has 'killed' us.

  • Nicah

    Supposedly it will be one month and 2 weeks of no contact rule but then i just broke that rule last thursday. I hate myself for that. It felts like I just let myself be hurt again. Yes honestly I was quiet happy when we had our chat in ym even our topic was not about how we feel. Our topic was about how are we doin'. After the conversation ends, there I felt loneliness,emptiness and longing. I realized how he moved on with his life and how okay he is without me (it sounds like the way he chatted me). If I only think of “him” I wanted to make friends with him again but if I think again what he did “having new gf as early as he totally dumped me and told me that he only see me as frnds now, I wanted to get rid of him in my life and wish his life will be miserable with his new girl.

    • Nicah

      i hope that will be a lesson to me.

  • Gustav

    I decided to have 0 contact with my ex, deleted her from facebook, msn, everything but there is a big problem, I have to see her everyday in college… any suggestions?
    A piece of advice, If you breakup and live together, move out as soon as possible, regardless of the love or the hopes you might have.

  • Jake

    …Ok so for the last 4 days I used the NO contact rule, and everything was so good, eventhoug I saw her at college I was doing just fine.
    But last night there was a party and I decided she was not going to be the center of my life, so I went, Just to realize that she was the only reason I was there… Now I understand that the NO contact rule should not be used with any hope or agenda other than the goal of getting over your ex and to forget so you can heal faster.
    Last night I was weak and it was like going back to day 1.
    But now I know I have to do this for myself and not for her… Because im tired and i feel terrible, I just want to smile again and be the cheerfull guy I once was

    • http://lovesagame.com Eddie Corbano

      Don't beat yourself up Jake. Sometimes it takes a few fall-backs until we realize what the no-contact rule is all about.

      Just hang in there!

      • Nicah

        You're definitely correct Eddie, sometimes fall-backs makes us realize the importance of totally following the no contact rule. There were times were I my ex sent me a message and there were times where I read it. I was happy knowing the message was from him but then days after reading the message I felt loneliness and longing for more message from him. Expecting hurts a lot.

  • Gustav

    Please I need some advice…
    I broke every connection to my ex, from phone numbers to facebook but I still have to see her everyday at college, we have all the same classes, what should I do or how shold I behave?

    • Shery

      Hey Gustav,
      I’m in your same situation and I have tried two approaches. I tried being friendly with him (stupid me didn’t wanted him to think that he had hurt me and tried to treat him like a friend). Well.. he reacted by telling me that he loved me and wanted to get back. That was worse so.. I tried ignoring him… that one backfire too, he got mad and tried to pick a fight with me calling me a f*&#! liar (and saying a lot of non sense).
      So.. here is my advice: Try to avoid her, as much as possible but if you can’t, treat her like she is another person in your class. And if she isn’t a nut like my ex she will respect that and leave you alone.
      Hope everything works out!

      • Gustav

        Hey Sheryl, Thanks Ill try to ignore her and to avoid every kind of contact although I have to admit, its really hard, I still have all these feelings for her, I just need to hang in there… and I understand your situation, at the beginning I tried to be my ex`s friend but it just didnt work out and at the end I was the one saying a lot of nonsense. I guess love makes people do crazy things.

  • LittleOne

    so my ex boyfriend and I broke up 3 and a half months ago in Feb.He broke up with me because of a fight we had that totally didn't even make sense. He is sometimes emotionally distant. We were together for 14 months, I even cooked for him, would buy him presents here n there, we even took vacations together. I thought it was the real deal. Except that he would never really do much for me.
    Well he never ever talked to me again. The next day he blocked me off facebook and aim and wouldnt respond to me at all. So then a couple days later i drove to where he was (we were long distance by 2 hours) and told him (by calling his job bc he would never answer me on my phone) I was there n he said I don't even deserve 5 mins of his time so I went home and after that i never contacted him for another 10 days n he was very mean to me on the phone saying that he's moving on etc and the fight was too much. He didn't even fight for me or anything. Just picked up and left. So after that I never contacted him for the next 2 and a half months.. I even heard stories of him talking to his ex again and other girls which hurt me a lot. I finally stopped looking at his facebook for like 2 weeks no bc it would just hurt me, i even deleted all his friends too to help me get over it. Well I have been doing well but yesterday I wrote a txt saying “hi. i don't hate you anymore for leaving and never looking back.After time, I saw it as a good thing w perfect timing. maybe one day we can be friends. there's no need to respond to this, but I wish you the best in life.”

    I wrote it because I felt that it was the last stage in my healing process. I recently got into grad school in another state and will be moving away in August so I know there is no hope and my future is much better now without him but I still get sad. He didn't write back but at 2 45 am he text me asking what I was doing n i knew he was drunk so I just said leave me alone..then next day I felt bad so I wrote him n said sorry for the rude texts, thought it was a drunk text. my bad. and all he wrote was its all good. Haven't wrote back to him since.

    But now I feel like im at square 1. I tried to be the bigger person even though he hurt me, I wrote him that text because I wanted to end on a clean slate and move on finally and I know that I'm so much better off without him bc he has nothing to offer me and we are never going to be on the same level (emotional, educational, financial) but why do I still feel sad?? I guess because the casuality of it all. “Its all good” seemed so casual. I felt like I never got the closure I needed and this was the closest to it.
    What should I do??

  • Lola

    But what happen when the dumper brak up with you when he is still in love with you? this thing happens often, actually it did happen to me. He left me because he had mental health issues due a traumatic childhood and he did realize that he needed to heal him first in order to be happy with me. At least that was that he said to me for a reason to break up. Shouldn't I believe him? I am not going to contact him anyway but I was just wondering about those relationships that vanish being the two of them in love with each other.

  • justangry

    I hate you with the fire of a thousand suns. I miss you so much it hurts so bad. I cry every day. Its only been 10 weeks. It took you 2 weeks to find someone new and one week to fall in love with her. How is that okay by any standards of fairness in the universe. I'm tired of missing you. I'm tired of loving you. I'm sad that you moved on so easily and it kills me knowing you never think of me. It hurts worse in the mornings. its terrible. All I wanted was to build a future together. I can't imagine the pain every going away. I have maintained no contact for 10 weeks – I used to look at your facebook but I do not any more it hurts too much. I need to let you go. I need to move on. It hurts so bad it feels like I'm going to die still. It comes and goes in waves. I know you were wrong for me and I did the best thing possible by breaking away from you. I have been working on myself every day and this will turn out to be a good experience but, it just hurts so much right now.

    • Surfinramstein

      Your pain is shared by many. Your relief is on it's way! A year from now or shorter. You will think 'another day'.

    • shattered

      i feel on this comment.

      its an intense feeling when you know someone you loved with all your heart has an ability to stop wanting to be with you, then moves on to the next person…as if you didnt even exist.
      my exgirlfriend turned cold, i never would have expected the ruthlessness she unleashed.

  • Picklefluff

    I will have been broken up from my boyfriend for 2 weeks on Friday, he broke up with me, deleted and blocked me on facebook and i'm pretty sure has blocked my number on his phone so that he won't receive my texts.
    We didn't break up over anything major,he said he would come to the pub and meet my friends and then didn't show up.When i got home and rang him to ask where he was he said he had fallen asleep, i asked him if he's try and tell me in future if he wasn't going to show up and he hung up.
    I agree that no contact is important and essential for moving on, but when you are the person who is being blocked from contact and you don't feel you've done anything wrong, then somehow it seems an injustice!

    • surfinramstein

      The No Contact Rule, is by far… the most difficult… but also, the most revealing. It is a very hard thing to follow through. But, by doing it, you will know exactly where the two of you stand.

  • Jay

    Would it be against the no-contact rule to wait and see if she will write back to you.

    • surfinramstein

      Not at all!

    • http://lovesagame.com Eddie Corbano

      You give away your power by waiting for them to contact YOU. You will keep checking your emails and phones obsessively. You will became a slave to this.

      Best thing is to eliminate all possibilities of contact, like change phone-numbers, email-addresses, etc.

      This sounds exaggerated, but it will speed up your healing time.

      • Surfinramstein

        Upon further review of Mr. Corbanos' reply to Jay, I was wrong in saying it is ok to wait for a reply from your ex. What he says, makes perfect sense.

      • Surfinramstein

        My situation is different than most people. My wife and I have a three year old son. He lives with my wife, as of Thanksgiving last year. Two months ago…my wife admits she is seeing an old flame, whom she has a nineteen year old son with. She is Very Happy! After many different attempts to make this situation work out for everybody involved, I have decided to go against what most people told me, considering I have a three year old son in the middle. They said the 'no contact rule' is out of the question! I have to say that when all else fails…do it! I will give more details later.

  • Danneesolutions

    I'm reminded of Jazmine Sullivan's song, “I'll bust the windows out your car.” I want an explanation but at the same time, I know it's going to be a lie. I really just want to see him on his knees crying so I can slam the door in his face. I want the opportunity to hang up on him. However, he's avoiding me and our son. And I know he's only going to come back when I'm 5 minutes away from being over him. Why did he hurt us like this? It could NOT have been worth it.

  • S_simmons2008

    Another day and I'm struggling once again whether to end all contact. I tried no contact yesterday, but the minute I received his voice mail message, I couldn't resist the urge to call back and did – so once again, I have to start all over and it hurts thinking about the fact that I have to try again today. I didn't turn off my cell this time, because I'm not sure that's working for me. It doesn't stop me from wanting to know “if” he called. In fact I've looked at the phone several times today just to see if he did, he hasn't and now I'm a mental and emotional wreck. I want to call him, but I'm afraid I won't reach him — I don't even know if he is working today…another time he didn't let me know whether he would be working and that's where I can generally reach him. He hasn't emailed today and I'm hurt and angry. I want to call him and say “this is exactly one more thing that you do, that hurts so much – not thinking enough about me to keep me informed of what's going on with you. You would think after the last big fight about this, you would be sure to tell me, but you didn't. We even spoke last night and you said nothing, but what you did say as you hung up was “I'll talk to you.” What the heck did that mean? When would we talk again? Normally you say I'll call you tomorrow, so in a way I'm pretty sure you said it this way because you knew you would be off work and there was no guarantee when you would be able to call me. [yes, I'm talking to him via this post, hopiing that it will help to keep me from picking up the phone and saying any of this to him directly]. Ok. let me pause for a moment and turn the damn phone off again. Done. But how in the world is this going to really help me because I know when I do turn it back on, I'll be looking to see if he called and if he doesn't it is going to hurt, but it hurts now. I don't know which pain is worse. In my mind I'm saying at least I did something, but I feel so weak about all of this. My nerves are literally shot and it doesn't help that I haven't slept at all, air conditioner is on the blink, problems with one of the TV's, lady coming to house to do hair, A/C repair man on the way and let's not forget, all this and I'm supposed to be working (telecommuting) from home today. Oh yes, did I mention another friend is at the house with me, who thinks I stopped seeing this person back in January…all this going on today and all I want to do is cry – but I can't; have to hold in all the tears and pretend like everything is ok. What a mess. Another example of why this relationship has to end, because I'm tired of having my emotional stability turned upside down on a daily basis. I hope my posting privileges are activated on this site now and my post goes through, and somebody can help me settle down and at least hold it together just for today.

    • surfinramstein

      You have to find it in yourself to cut off all ties. It's easier said, than done, I know. Unless You have children together, never look back. The “No Contact” rule, is by far, the best thing you can do for yourself.
      Good Luck

    • Surfinramstein

      I had to go back and read your post one more time. Sometimes I am so into my own problems, that it clouds my ability to give advice that may help you in your time of need. I believe if we have similar problems, we can help each other out with words of wisdom. There are so many people struggling every minute of their lives, on many levels of basic human survival…just to get through the day. Most people take it for granted that being loved and accepted, is enough to get from point A to point B. Being where we are at now… we know better! I want to continue helping you if I am. I still have alot to say.

  • bubbles

    Me and my ex were together 3 years, the last 6 months since I have broken ti off with him has been complete hell. We were so much in love and got engaged 2 years into our relationship. The red alarm bells were there from pretty much the 2nd year of our relationship but I still tried because I madly love him. He once threw me out of his house when I wouldnt let him read an email from a friend, he lied to me about smoking and how much money he earned which I found out after we got engaged. He abused the joint credit card I gave him and would spend money on clothes and shoes. He promised me that he would move in with me and never did so now I live alone. I moved to be closer to him and now I have no one and am completely isolated from my family and friends. He lied to me about so many little silly things. Throughout the years everytime something would go wrong, I would try to break it off with him, we would have such bad arguments about things and I would feel such a mess going into work the day afterwards. Hi family treated me terribly, they said they didnt like me (because he would always go back and tell them about our rows) or want me in their family after setting dates for our wedding and engagement ceremony. His mother has always been insecure about her son being taken away from her and they all influenced him heavily when we were together. Over the last 6 months we have been staying in contact on and off, the final blow was recently when I found out he'd been seeing someone else. We had been trying to work through our problems by going to couples counselling etc but he couldnt commit to being in a relationship with me cos he was scared I'd leave him again. Even after this I still tried but felt so used and torn to a million pieces. I have stopped talking to him on the phone for the last 10 days but that was only because he broke it off with me again, I think he must be back with her becuase he doesnt call me anymore. We have been exchanging emails all this week, hes saying his lifes a mess and doesnt know what to do, i just think hes playing the victim because nothings changed, we are still broken up. Stupidly i still check my phone and emails to see if he's been in contact, ive never been in a situation so desperate before. I hate still being in love with him and having feelings for him when he clearly doesnt give a care in the world for me. I'm so fed up of thinking about him all day and having nightmares about him and this other girl. Everyday when I wake up I get this overwhelming feeling and it stays with me all day until I fall asleep. I feel so emotionally unstable and like i cant focus on anything. My job is suffering and i have no motivaiton to sort it out but I know this is wrong. Ive worked so hard to get to where I am and i just feel like everything is fallen to pieces. I dont even know who I am anymore.

    • Surfinramstein

      Nobody really has an Idea of what you should or shouldnt do. We can only give our opinions. You can take 'em or leave 'em. But, only from the crap I've gone through, I can honestly say that the no contact rule, works for the healing process that we all need. It isnt a rule to get 'em back, but to start getting stronger in the weakest of times right now. I would cut off all ties…cut your losses and work on not looking back. Before you know it, you will look back one time and be glad that you did, because youre sitting in a better spot because you had the strength, to move on!

      • bubbles

        I saw him at the train station earlier this week and he broke down in tears. I know noone can tell me what to do but he wants to try again and I feel so scared that I am making a mistake if i do because I dont know if i can trust him. So yesterday I sent him an email saying that he needs to make a decision about me because I am not going to live my life in confusion, his decision was to try. I get this sick feeling in my stomach when I think about all the lies and him being with other girls. He came over yesterday and said he wants this forever and doesnt want to leave me. I dont know if he is doing this because I had very nearly let go and started to move on with my life. There were little things he said to me yesterday that made me feel like are things really going to be different this time or is it going to be the same and more heartache and pain. Like for example he said he thought about what it would be like to be without me and he felt full of regret and he doenst want to regret anyhting in his life so he'd rather take the risk and try than to walk away as he knows that would be it this time round if he was to walk. But then at the same time he said he doesnt know how to tell his parents we are back together and wants to just spend time with me before he tells them, to me thats just a cop out, I mean, why does he need to wait to tell them? I feel very confused and very very scared, walking away is so much harder than staying with him. i cant help but feel that this is happening because I just about gave up all hope and he could see that, is it about the thrill of the chase with this guy as I cant tell if he is being genuine. After being messed around for so many years I just cant tell, I feel like i am being so silly. I dont even have the heart to tell my friends or family about this.

        • Surfinramstein

          bubbles,
          Have you ever known or even heard of a girl or woman, at work or maybe a neighbor next door, that was being hit on, beat on and so forth, that you would ask yourself…'Why does she keep staying with this guy?' 'When will she ever learn?'. ' She just keeps going back for more, why doesn't she leave him? Maybe she's had plenty of beatings, to be used to them by now. She knows the outcome. However, she at one time down the road…has had enough! She doesn't know the outcome of leaving, but if she would just do it!
          I'm guilty of 'loving pain'. I have been going back for more… until recently. It finally HIT me! Enough is Enough! NO MORE CONTACT!!!
          No more excuses! If only we had our own personal mentor or coach with us at all times, yelling at us and getting in our faces. But that isn't case, is it? We do have each other here, in this forum. To help each other out in our time of pain and confusion.

          One of the things that I have just started doing has something to do with the cell phone. By the time this post goes up, I will be on Day_3 of the 'No Contact' rule. Not very long is it? But…it is. I'm going beyond what the ex, expects! She knows that I can only go a couple of days at best, and who is calling who? I have made that mistake so many times, that I am so predictable. However…I am so much stronger now! This isn't a plan to 'get the ex back', but rather gain some self respect and strength to continue the healing process so that I will feel better about myself. I don't want to hurry up and heal so I can find somebody else. Because rebounding is in a way, interfering with a long term, overall, healing and a healthy future relationship duration. In other words, I had jumped from a past relationship, that was not fully healed and started another new relationship, while I was still 'looking back', almost as if over my shoulder to 'see'. What if…

          Sorry I got off track. Back to the cell phone situation. I turned it off all day today. I'm not turning it on either! I use my cell phone as an alarm, to get ready for work, however, turning it on, it does let you know if certain people have called…or not…

          I quickly turned OFF the cellphone this morning and it has not been on since. Now think of this…if it were an emergency…my ex Can reach me at work or through other avenues. But now, I am in control of a cellphone, that I have been a slave to! Not seeing if she called or not…is showing signs of healing. Another thing to think about is this…when I was talking to her, I hung up the phone dazed and confused. I have so much more to talk about, as long as I am making sense and helping you on your journey to recovery.

          • bubbles

            OK so taking your advice, I have switched off the cell phone! He doesnt actually have my personal cell number anymore as I changed that and never gave it to him, PHEW! But heres the deal, I realised that this guy doesnt want me for life, as his wife, fiance or girlfriend, or to even get serious. Its all about his self satisfaction, someone to go out with. And the worst part of it is, what exactly do I love about this person? I am in love with who he USED to be or at least made out to be anyway. He will up and leave when the next girl comes along, I am so sure of it. So instead of cutting all contact and going cold turkey, I am going to do this my way and slowly but surely alleviate this guy from my life bit by bit. It may take me a while, days, weeks, months even but I am going to do it because its what I need to do to be OK. I cant face being used by this guy anymore, I deserve so much more from someone that says that they love me. Right now love feels like its one big joke.

          • Surfinramstein

            Hey Bubbles, I know this is very hard for you and actually it is very hard for me too…so we are in this together and I will not let you drown in your tears…take my hand and we will swim to shore and sort all this out. Or if you feel more comfortable, I will throw you a pair of my ex’s, and you throw in yours…and we will make a raft…LOL!!!

          • Surfinramstein

            That last post was to make you laugh or at least, crack a smile!

          • Surfinramstein

            You're not looking for someone that says they love you, but rather someone that shows they love you. Actions…words…not a joke at all!
            Your healing process begins, only when you let it. Same with me and others. We have the hardest part of ending 'that past', don't we? I'm guilty of looking back, and wondering 'What?', 'Why', and Wendys…LOL!
            I'm guilty of texting and leaving a message to the 'mother of my Great Son'…you see, The 'No Contact Rule' is very difficult when you miss your son or daughter. I am shackled to 'this person', or ex, as long as I live. But, you have no children, with this creep and you're not married either, so break it off with him and move your life up and over his!

  • Hurtsalot

    Bubbles ,i can completely relate to your situation… mine just told me that he once loved me but doesnt today and it hurt… we are in a very odd situation one that others would look down upon me on… but he doesnt want to leave this relationship but can promise anything to me either… its only logical to leave right? But its so much harder to leave than to stay i think and then at times i feel like i am ready and then i feel so alone, because for 3 years its been him.. we have always said if the timing was different everything would be happy go lucky… i never went into this relationship wanting more than what i am into right now. I feel like in the long run i will lose him because either i will walk or he will….. there is only so much one can take. But the heart wants what the heart wants and my heart is happy with him… i have tried everything to move on… because i knew that this situation wasnt a healthy one. It is going to hurt me extrememly seeing him go and then theres a relief because i wont have to deal with the back and forth… I just couldnt believe that he told me that he loved me and the only reason why he didnt jump on it was because he wasnt feeling from me… we are both very strong and full of pride…. i just told him that i love with restrictions due to my past, and i wish i could take it back because i think things would have been different now. I dont know what to do… we just spoke and got some things off our chest and he is waiting on me to answer if i should leave this situation and take the bull by the horns and see where it takes me. I could do that, but its going to hurt… im confused because i want him i really do, i look forward to him everyday especially that i am very sick now too…. and i know he hurts as well but then leaving is a great option that is so much easier said than done… i wish someone can help me go through this process, talk to me, shed some light…. im already seeing a psychiatrist cause my nerves were all over the place so now i am much better in taking things but the heart cant be medicated, it just has to be healed with time… and i dont know how much more i can take…. i cant tell family and only a couple of friends know and they are not very supportive and are already sick of hearing my drama… which makes me feel so alone… I feel like i am not worthy of anything. I start medical school in a couple of weeks and i need to focus, guys i just want to be happy again… find some peace. Help

  • Phil

    Hello everyone. I’ve been quietly reading these posts for a few weeks. I am so down right now. My ex of 2 years broke up with me about 2 months ago ago. I guess my one question is, what do you do if your ex is sooo beautiful, and can get any guy she wanted, and all you can do is think about her hooking up?
    I wanted some advice/opinions on how to get over, or if there is hope of getting my ex back. I've written some posts that I will add here. I apologize if it is a little choppy.

    Fortunately or unfortunately, I’ve been pretty busy. I’ve made a couple new friends, and have been invited to do fun things, like beach volleyball, tennis, golf, out for drinks, etc. It’s getting to the point where it’s getting a little tiring, but I know the minute I am alone, I’ll probably be rehashing things in my mind, plus, with my newly single status, who am I to say no when someone is asking me to do something enjoyable. I’ve found myself thinking about my ex less and less when I am out having fun, but the minute I get home and by myself, I can still “see her” in my townhouse, like us having dinner,etc. By going out and having fun, and I only distracting myself and not letting myself deal with the breakup?
    Also, she had surgury 2 weeks after our breakup. Of course my mind was on her that whole day, but I didn’t send any type of “I’ll be thinking about you today” type of emails or anything like that. The original plan was for me to take care of her during her healing process, but now that everythings changed, I dunno. I’m still a litte sore that she didn’t wish me happy bday a few weeks ago, and the fact that a few days before her surgery, she actually had the newve to text me at midnight, asking if she could borrow something. One of my main pet peaves with her was that she always seemed to call me only when she needed something, and here it was, haven’t really heard anything from her, and she’s asking me for something again.
    I met her 2 years ago. It was at a party, and I remember the moment I saw her I was deeply attracted to her. She’s a beautiful woman. And for some reason, she was extremely attracted to me. We hit it off right off the bat. Started hanging out. Was intimate probaby a little too soon. There was also a big age difference between us. I was 34 at the time, she was 23. Then things got a little strange. Things from her past started coming up. Like the fact that she was still legally married at the time (long story), or her messed up family. I come from a very tight family so it was hard for me to see where she was coming from a lot of the times. Even though we had great chemistry, we’d have fights because of our differences, etc. She grew up in a family where no one really cared about one another, and she had to look out for herself, where as I came from a family where we always thought of the other person first. Because she was being the way she was, I became upset a lot, and jealous when she would hang out with friends without telling me, etc. We ended up breaking up after a year and 3 months, but still continued to hang out. For the next 4 months, it was periods of us getting mad at each other, and then totally being in love with each other. I recognized my jealousy issues, so I started seeing therapy, and started to get better. I learned to let a lot of stuff go. So at the beginning of this year, she came back. At this time, it would’ve been the 3rd time she came back. I have to admit a lot of times when she came back, it was because something bad had happend to her and she recognized that I was a good guy. So she came back, but for some reason, she didn’t want to be official, but at this point, I took what I could get because I was still deeply in love with her. She would stay with me for weeks on end straight. It was great again. At around this time, she was talking to a dr about having breast reduction surgery because of back issues. Well, out of nowhere, she tells me she’s surprised that I haven’t offered to help her with her surgery. I told her I would help take care of her, she was talking about financially. I was having big time issues with this. I mean, she wasn’t exactly my girlfriend or anything, so I kind of left that up in the air. So we continued on being “unofficial”. Then things started bothering me. Like she’d stay with me for like 2 weeks straight, but then disappear for like a week. It’s not like she really did anything, but according to her, since we’re not official, she didn’t feel like she had to let me know. Then there were her friends. now, at this point, I don’t mind if she had friends that she hung out with, but she actually said that she like to keep me “seperate” from her friends. for some reason. I mean, who says that? Then my bday started coming up. I was about to turn 37 and I was thinking, man, I really need to think about settling down, and I really don’t know if I want to be in this “non-relationship” status anymore. So we get to late last month. I talk to her about all my concerns about the relationship. She says she’ll think about it. The next day was her Dr. appointment for her surgery. I reluctantly agreed to help her out with the surgury. I applied for a medical card that counts against my credit with the understanding that she will be making the payments, so I let her have that money. She was so grateful. That night, she said she would try harder, etc. Then next day, i don’t hear from her. I called her a few times, texted, no answer. So we talk the following day, she says she was out partying. We had plans that evening, but she said she was too tired to hang out, so I told her I couldn’t do this hot/cold thing anymore. So that evening, after consulting some of her friends, she decides to end it for good. It wasn’t a fight or anything, she calmly came over, told me she was ready to let me go, to find someone else and she would be happy for me. Even started saying things like “you’ll be ok. It just hurts in the beginning.” The fact taht we’ve been doing this for a long time, etc. I bawled like a baby in front of her. Said she wanted to be single for a while, do what she wanted to do without having to “report” to anyone. Man. And I also felt used. I mean, did she spend all this time with me in the beginning to get that money (which was a substantial sum), and the minute she got it, she bolted?
    Anyways, the next few days were rough. I looked at her facebook page all the time, etc. i even did a few drive bys her house. All psycho stuff. Then I told myself I wasn’t going to get any better doing this stuff, so I just stopped. I was doing fine until like 3 days ago. I was driving home from being out, and decided I would take a road that passed by where she lived. There was a strange car in her driveway. Then I look on her facebook page, saw that she defriended me, but added some dude on there. So now I’m in crazy mode. I start texting her, using the excuse of how she was doing after her surgery, maybe seeing if she would give up some information. We started texting idle stuff. I even made a joke about her adding me back on her facebook. She said she thought that was a bad idea, because it would still be a “tie”. So I just responded with, “ok, you know what’s best” So now I’m thinking, what about all this money you have to pay me. That’s a tie too. So, I blocked her facebook page so I can’t see it, defriended all our mutual friends, etc. I was on some ride with this girl, but I recognize the last few events were my own fault. I snooped, and got burned, and now I’m back to square one.
    A few days later I went to happy hour with the group I play sand volleyball with. I really didn’t know anyone there other than 2 people, but you know that i can be social. Anyways, I have a pretty good buzz.There’s an outdoor and indoor part. We were drinking outside. Sometime during the evening, I go inside to use the bathroom. After I’m done, I go out and kinda scope the indoor part, and there right in the table in front of me is my ex, her sister, and a girlfriend. It was weird because I was buzzed, I didn’t have my glasses on so I really had to focus to see if it was her, plus it was the absolute last place I expected to see her. I thought she was still bed ridden, plus, she always said she never liked that place (I did post on my facebook that i was going to be there, but I blocked her so she can’t see my page. Her sister on the other hand is still my friend, but I’m trying not to read into that) I couldn’t avoid then, so I went over to say hi. It was a little awkward, but I said some quick hellos. Gave her and her sister a quick hug while thew were sitting down. I asked how she was feeling. She asked who I was with, I just said some friends.I told her I was outside for Happy hour. She said that they were going out there shortly. I told her that we were going to leave soon, she said that I could stay. After a bit, I go, “I’m gonna go” so I turned around and walked outside. I thought I did a pretty good job of being polite. Luckily I was there with a good group, and I was talking to 2 pretty good looking girls (non potentials. They have boyfriends) After a bit, I see them walk outside from the corner of my eye, but I didn’t really look at them. I just kept talking to my friends. We were all pretty drunk, and those 2 kinda get a little handsy when they talk. I didn’t mind. Don’t really know if she saw where i was when she came out but at that point, I was having fun meeting new people. After a bit, we left.
    Well, at 2 this morning, I was passed out and I get this text from her saying “why did you act that way?” then 4 straight texts asking “why?”, then another one saying “h” then another one saying “j”. So seven texts in a row, which woke me up. At first I didn’t want to respond, but after like 15 minutes, I did. I responded with “you mean surprised? Cuz i was. BTW your phone just sent me seven texts? She replied with “really God this phone is so annoying. You acted so weird” So i replied with “I thought i was polite. Oh well” She replied with “Why are you being an Ahole? Its so not like you”. I replied with “Ahole? I went over there and gave each of you guys a hug.” No response.
    What the hell was that? Even though it was awkward, i was so polite…
    Then a few days later, she called. Just before we broke up, I lent her some money (which she is paying back), so whenever I get a bill for it, I contact her. I got my first bill the other day, so I texted her about it. Broke no contact. She asks how I’ve been, i do the same. She actually asks during our conversation if i’ve slept with anyone, which I think is a weird question to ask someone. Long story short, she comes over to my house and have the best mind blowing sex I’ve ever had. We both haven’t been with anyone sice we’ve broke up. She always commented that I was the best she ever has, so I’m guessing she may be a little attracted to me still. What was up with that? Nothing but a booty call?
    I didn't contact her for a week. I sent her a text. Here's how it went
    me: “hey hey”

    Her: “I had a great time the other night when we hung out but I still feel that we both need to move on and that can’t happen if we are still communicating on a regular basis”

    me: “all I said was hey. Don’t you want to say hi?”

    Her: “no. that’s what I’m talking about”

    me: “so the other night was just about you being horny”

    Her: “yes. you knew what it was we clearly discussed it”

    me: “well, we should do it one more time. I met your needs, mine weren’t met”

    Her: “it was more then me just being horny but I know now that I don’t want to do it again. I just want to move on with my life and that includes dating other people”

    me: “so you met someone new?”

    Her: “yep”

    me” Take care”

    A couple of times since, she's commented on my sister's Facebook, etc, which has gone ignored. It's been 5 weeks since we've slept together and here I am still hurting. Any advice would be great.

    • Hurtsalot

      Phil, all i can say is WOW.. just WOW… how do you get through the day or even night with this is beyond my comprehension… i also have to battle with something similar, so know u are not alone in this. I hate to say it but time heals all wounds… trust me when people tell me this i want to shoot them… because at the moment nothing seems to be healing the pain or will be… it just all comes back at one point or another… its a process but i feel like maybe you are not ready to let go yet not in the way most people say at least.. i say to go at it at your own pace.. reach out to others, vent.. hey you can even email me if you like… i am also hurting as well i am under the name HURTSALOT… so trust me i know how bad the pain feels, its like the oxygen has been knocked out and your suffocating.. its love and it hurts… especially the way she is going about it.. but she is young, and wants to “live her young years” i am guessing. You seem like a very nice guy that gave his all and now you are receiving nothing in return… you will. it come to you. Just like I hope it will come to me… I am hurting every day i wake up until my tears help me fall asleep… its not right and not healthy that we go through this but we do because its a part of life… we love to let go sometimes… remember this: God places people in your life because you NEED them not because you WANT them at the moment…. i have to say that sometimes to get through this… im even on anxiety meds to ease my nerves, i was blind sided… rail roaded to say the least… Phil hang in there buddy… hang in there… vent to me if you like and blog it on here…. you are not the last nor the first that will go through this we just have to learn how to… goodluck to you.

    • Nic

      Hey Phil, this woman has just been using you!! My advice to you is GET ANGRY and after that GET MAD!! And then DON'T call or text or email her, EVER again… and ignore any attempt by her for contact…

      I'm on my second week of NC after a marriage of 4 years, relationship of 7 years and it is getting better now with me – we broke up 3 months ago because she cheated, and it was 3 months of hell.. why? Because we still had contact… No Contact really works!!

  • Max

    I know we shouldn’t really contact each other, and it’s best to keep distance, but I really just want to see how you are?

    I accidentally stumbled across a load of photos of us yesterday which was very bizarre. They were photos that I had always looked at with such warmth, and I never thought I would be looking at them the way I did yesterday. We looked so happy.

    Anyway, maybe I’ll see you soon.

    Max x

  • Quetowax

    She was my girlfriend and she works for me. She is so good at work that I really need her. I still have a hope for her and she knows it. She says she misses me but she doesnt act like that. I really need to get over it and I can not, I simply can not forget her. I talk to her over the phone 4-6 times a day and I miss her ad I admire her.

  • Lee

    I think in romantic love if one person is not interested, the non-interested person has to “be cruel to be kind”, in other words, in no uncertain terms, tell the other person that you are not interested in them anymore, period. Of course, do it in a nice way. My old boyfriend used to send me short, friendly e-mails, after we broke up, and I would always analyze the words, and look for hidden meaning that he was still interested. Sometimes when you realize there is no hope you can heal faster. I'll still in the process in getting over this guy, and it “ain't easy.”

  • Phil

    Hello. I'm the same Phil as below. Man, I haven't been the best lately. I'm already hitting my head against the wall
    Lets see, not this past Friday, but the Friday before, my ex texted me letting me know that a payment is on it's way for some money she owes me. First contact in a month and 2 weeks so I say, cool, thanks. Well, later that night/morning at 2:45 in the morning, she calls me.I was intoxicated, so was sheactually, she starts texting me first. I should've ignored, but I respondedshe calls me. I tell her I thought she was dating someone, she said she only said that because I was being pestery last time we hooked up:
    She said she wanted to come over and have sex again, even though it was probably a bad idea. so I said sure. DUMB DUMB!!so she comes over, and we pretty much hook up all last weekend We hung out, saw a movie, etc.she was at my house from Friday night till monday morning. DUMBthe next day she emails me first, so we email the next day, Tuesday, she IM's me first, so we IM I Instigated conversation Wed, and Friday. Nothing big anyways, yesteday, I ask her if she wanted to play tennis, we end up bike riding instead. We hang out all day, and she left this morning. Anyways, i'm going to backtrack a bit. A few weeks ago, my computer goes on the fritz, and i had to log on as guest. She always did that, which I didn't know about since I never did. I click on Facebook, and all of a sudden it's on herpage, like, I'm on her Facebook BadReally bad, but I looked at photos, and her page, ad there was this guy that kinda was flirting with her. I got off as soon as I saw that.
    Anyways, we aren't friends on Facebook, and she has all her stuff set to privte, but I can see her friends list, and after last weekend I noiced that she defriended that dude. BAD for me to be snoopingBut now I'm thinking, maybe she's using me: So, last night, nothing too physical happend but she spent the night she was on her phone texting some
    well, she passed out, I stay downstairs to clean up, and her phone beeps with a text
    she was texting that dude the whole night .ugh. So I go upstairs, I ask her as nice as I can, “are you sleeping with other people?” I know w're not togeher, but we agreed having sex with each other would stop if we found someone else. Don't want to catch anything
    she said no, and was irritated because she was drunk asleep, always made it a point to say she doesn't do that, and if she was hooking up with someone else, why would she be having sex with me. so we have this talk this morning, and I took a different approach. She doesn't know I saw her phone, which by the way, this guy was asking to my ex to send naked pictures. My ex replied with you can take naked pics next time you see me. guess he was out of town and he is flying into town (where he leaves now), and asked her to get him, so she will, which is 2.5 hours away. So she is basically going to see this guy tonight. Again, this is what I read from their correspondence. I ask her what shes doing for dinner, she said she's haning out with a girlfriend. So basically,I gave her every opportunity to tell m and lied to my faceso mad. Then I tried the reverse guilt trip. I go
    I'm like. “I really apologize for accusing you of that. i should know better” Then she got on me about self esteem,e tc. Said she hasn't met anyone, hasn't dated, etc. She said she kissed someone once while out drunk, which happend to be this guy.
    I told her that I figured she would have met someone like, and I described this joker to a “t”
    , because this guy is totally opposite of me. Iand so mad at myself that I even picked up the phone 2 weeks ago and said it was ok for us to have sex. This guy is like 2 years yonger than her. 22 Ed Hardy Ugh.lie right to my face. I gave her every opportunity
    and it's like, I know I should not have let her come over, but she's the one who initiates
    it's like I feel like I'm getting dumped over and over again and we actually left it on good terms. she doesn't know I looked at her phone

  • bettersoon

    I am having a terrible time with no contact. I have had no closure and I have so many unanswered questions! I can not stop reeling the movies in my head of us, the conversations, etc. I have sent emails and texts and receive an occasional reply…nothing makes me feel better, only worse. Sometimes I feel on top of the world for about 20 minutes, then in agony again. I'm constantly checking my phone and email.

    • http://twitter.com/syfymango T

      Me too, and then about three weeks after we filed for divorce I run into my beloved ex and his new girlfriend, after five years of marriage I am replaced in just three weeks. At time I turn up my single ladies music and feel 'on top of the world' and then I remember, oh yeah… he has some one to come home to and you still fall asleep alone in front of the TV.

  • Cherie

    I am the dumper. I made the decision to leave the 10 yr marriage. Went down the hill in the last 5 years coz of his family constantly verbally and emotionally abused me and him refusing to help. I became an emotional wreck to a point of having suicidal tendencies. I only had him there. I wasn't really 'allowed' friends in the 10 yrs of marriage. I relied on him completely so it really killed me when he wasn't there to protect me as a husband. My own family is on the other side of the globe. I didn't want my parents to know and worry either.

    The turning point came when I realized I talked to myself, laughed with myself and ignoring him. i realized I would either die or be mentally ill if i continued living my life like that. Initially he didn't agree to it, he finally gave in when he realized how unhappy I was. The weeks before I finally left for home, we were both crying with each other.

    I last saw him 4 months ago. I tried my best not to think about him. He would ask me to go back, he would tell me he'll give me a year of alone time and then will welcome me back with open arms. I've been actually thinking of going back for the last 2 months but i couldn't make up my mind. I thought i still had time to think.

    He last called me less than 3 weeks ago, was drinking alone at home, asking me to go back. Then call it gut feeling, he finally admitted to having someone new yesterday. He still said I could go back anytime because the woman is 'very nice', she wouldn't mind. She also 50% moved in already.

    I feel so empty, so lost. I feel betrayed because he was still asking me to go back recently and suddenly he has someone new. Actually, I never thought i would grieve because I was the dumper. It never occurred to me I would NEED to grieve. Reality finally kicked in, I gave up everything, lost everything when I decided to get the divorce. Suddenly, all the sadness kicked in. 10 years, I lost everything, I lost the person who I was supposed to grow old with. I lost the person who would hold my hand when i'm 80 yrs old while we were strolling down the streets.

    I think I am also angry. Why did he still tell me he's waiting for me to go back when he's already seeing someone? It's like I'm being lied to. Kept my hope up that I still have somewhere to return to. I was supposed to go back end of this month for some official matters. I don't have a place to return to anymore, I don't know if i can take it seeing that woman in the house. I don't know why i'm feeling this way. I am very certain that I did the right thing to leave because it was a very poisonous environment. What's broken is broken.

    Why am i feeling like my heart is breaking now?

    • Ryan

      Just like when someone is the dumpee, learn from your mistakes.
      It really seems that you had something you really cared about, and you took it for granted and now you wish you had it back.
      It is really hard to have sympathy for you, when you are the one who gave it up, however i can have a degree of empathy, because sometimes people really dont realize what they have.. until its gone.
      Lesson for the future, be grateful for what you have.
      Hope things work out.. wait,
      They will work out :)

  • Bauluwa

    I really do need help and some advice. She broke up with me over four months ago. We still lived together after the breakup, until she moved out. We had remained on good terms and even continued having sex, she however met this other guy at work and she told me that she wanted no contact for about a month or so, i agreed to it because I did not want to seem weak. After a month, she texted me saying how much she missed me and that she wanted to talk. I texted her back just randomly but we never really talked. What I dont understand is why would she say she misses me yet she is seeing this other guy. I texted her again after a couple of days to ask how she was doing and she is doing okay. But since then, I feel like I want her to talk to me, I feel so lonely because I am thinking that she is out having fun with her new friends and her new 'boyfriend' yet I have no one. Our relationship was not perfect and I had thought of breaking up with her, why is it that I now want her so badly yet I know the relationship was not good for me. we have not seen each other for like two weeks now and it is killing me.

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