How does the “Dumper” feel during No Contact?
What psychological effect does this have on them?
Why do we even want to know?
The answer is, of course, because we secretly hope that they realize that they’ve made a terrible mistake, contact us, and get back together with us again.
But is this the real reason we went No Contact in the first place?
No.
At least, it shouldn’t be.
But these questions are legit, as the answers can enable us to counteract possible contact attempts by our Ex.
Going No Contact with an Ex may very well push their buttons.
The Psychology Behind No Contact
The real purpose of the No Contact Rule is to get YOURSELF back … not your Ex.
While most people already know how important the rule is for their recovery, they nonetheless look for loopholes to break it.
The truth is — and I’ve been preaching this for over 12 years — that following the rule is an essential precondition to healing from a breakup or divorce.
The problem with this rule is that we do not recognize its necessity right at the beginning of the breakup. We only begin to understand after we’ve had bad experiences with “being friends” with them.
Why do we aspire to stay friends with our Exes, even though we sense that it’s bad for us?
(MORE: No Contact Rule After a Breakup: The Definitive Guide)
Let’s examine this further by looking at the psychological effect No Contact has on “Dumpers” and “Dumpees” :
1. Psychology of the “Dumpee”
The Dumpee wants to stay friends for the obvious reason:
They don’t want to lose their Ex.
If they can’t be with them as romantic partners, then why not as friends? This way, they'll be still around.
The secret (often subconscious) hope is that they can turn everything around and get back together again.
If this is your motivation, then I’m sorry, I have BAD news for you:
It doesn’t work this way.
You really don’t want this, for various reasons:
- The Dumpers WILL treat you as a friend! Are you really prepared for that?
- They may take advantage of you for occasional sex without commitment (this is especially the case for male Dumpers).
- You will have expectations they certainly can’t fulfill: You love them, but your Ex doesn’t return the feeling.
- You will continuously be looking for “signs” that there is still a chance (this will destroy you in the long run).
- It will prolong, if not prevent, your healing.
Let’s take a look at the Dumper. Why would they want to stay friends or still in contact?
2. Psychology of the “Dumper”
The Dumper will test your determination.
The Dumper wants to stay friends for nearly the same reasons as the Dumpee, only their motivation is different:
- They often want you around because they also don’t want to lose you.
- They want you as a safe fallback if something goes wrong in their lives (if their new girl/boyfriend dumps them unexpectedly).
- Some want you for occasional sex.
- They want to make it “easier for you” (which, of course, backfires).
- They want to be around to “help” you.
Cutting off contact with the Dumper often triggers a “reaction,” because it means that the Dumpee takes back their power. They are signaling that they don’t want to be dependent anymore.
Some Dumpers don’t like that and will make an attempt to get their power over them back.
This is the reason Dumpers eventually contact the Dumpee.
They are merely testing you.
But let me be clear: This is NOT what you want.
Their newly found interest for you is NOT genuine.
One of the most important prerequisites for the No Contact Rule to work is to not fall for their games of power.
What You Should Do
The best thing a Dumper can do for the Dumpee is to help them follow the No Contact Rule by proposing (and enforcing) it themselves.
It’s easier for them, anyway (because they already separated themselves emotionally during the relationship), and it will help the Dumpee a great deal.
It may be perceived as cruel and cold, but you are following an ulterior motive that will help them in the long run.
If you are the Dumpee, then make it clear to yourself that you don’t need another talk, you don’t need closure — all you need to do is accept that it’s over.
MORE: How to Get Over a Breakup: 3 Proven Secrets That Worked for Me
You will go through the different breakup stages much quicker and eventually learn all the reasons that lead to the breakup.
This, of course, hurts like hell, but ultimately, it’s better and easier for both parties.
Think about this.
Maybe for you, it’s necessary to make YOUR own experiences; perhaps you will have to learn the hard way which choice is the better one — we often learn better by making mistakes.
Either way, I don’t want you to beat yourself up.
See the decision of going No Contact with your Ex as a milestone on your way to independence and happiness. It's a path that will be bumpy at times, but ultimately, you will be proud of yourself because you’ve made it!
Your friend,
Eddie Corbano
wow i really glad to see these comments because they are helping me alot. i too was in a long distance relationship for about 6 months, where it broke off a week ago at first everything was perfect he was the gentleman of all time open doors took me to meet his mom even called up my mom to meet her. it turn out 3 months after our last visit he started acting differently calls were less, emails etc. then he call me up saying that the relationship is not going to work and he thinks we should just be friends. this is my first love so i must say it cuts like hell i try the no contact rule but he does seem to call at the right time to say hi. i dnt know wat to do because i believe there is something he must be not telling me as to y the relationship wont wrk. at times i wish we would get back together and at times i just want to grow stronger. i knw ill be visiting his country in a couple months cuz thats where i am from originally and he might want to get back and im scared i may not be strong enough to resist. I AM SO HURT AND CONFUSED.
My girlfriend and I split in April after four years. We lived together and the first month after she told me she wanted to split was spent with me staying with a friend. She sent very mixed messages (Asking if the door was open if she realised she’d made a mistake, telling all our friends she wasn’t sure she’d done the right thing) but she moved out in May, telling me that she loved me with all her heart. We entered a weird phase for two months; we were split, but “in negotiation” to see if we could work things out. Unsurprisingly, all the communication was one way. After two months of this I told her that I wasn’t happy that she was engaging with the process and that I wanted something positive, either way.
She told me that she couldn’t see a way back, so I withdrew. A week later she takes me out to lunch and apologises for being so stubborn. She explained that she had been stressed, let things get on top of her and instead of talking, she bottled things up. She said that, once she had moved out, she felt that she’d made her bed and that was that. She said she could only see a future with me and that she wanted us to be together.
So I agreed. We agreed we would make a real concerted effort to resolve the problems we had. She then promptly buried herself in work.
We booked some time off together, only for me to find that she had booked a 3 day holiday with her work buddies at the end of our time off. She didn’t tell me, I found out from another person, in fact when I asked her, she denied it. I went ballistic.
That was two months ago. Immediately afterward I was in a state of shock, I wanted to be friends straight away. We met up to go shopping and had lunch and it was all very close.
I went on holiday alone and cleared my head. I came back and cut off contact, telling her that I needed time to heal.
I moved into a new place and some mutual friends came around for drinks. She texted me all hurt that she hadn’t been told or invited. We were all supposed to be going skiing, mostly my family, but also mutual friends, for christmas. I told her that she couldn’t come and she was put out.
She’s contacted my sisters, wishing them happy birthday and expressing the hope that they can catch up for drinks. My sisters don’t hold grudges, but they aren’t impressed with her for lying to me and quite clearly messing with my head.
She owes me some money and I feel that she should pay it back. I reminded her by text last week and she still hasn’t paid it, even though she promised she would.
I can’t figure her out. It’s over, but it’s like she wants to pick and choose elements of us that she wants to maintain.
What’s my best course of action?
I am trying the no contact rule but it is so hard, at first i would give in and tell him to not be a stranger. But than i would change my mind and tell him its better off we don’t contact. I know its confusing him, but our lives are so intwine! He’s ever where I go because of our mutual friends I don’t want to drop friends just because of him.
Our break up is a very complicated one too. No one cheated, lied, or anything to make me angry or upset. It was because of the situation… he is unemployed, and currently has no place to stay (he is staying with his friends). and he wants to get his life together, because he feels he can’t be there 100%.
he says he wants to go places with me, go on vacation and do all the fun stuff with me (because thats what we did before he was unemployed) but he can’t and it kills him that i have to pay for everything.
But than he doesn’t want to be in a relationship.
it confuses the hell out of me because if you can’t be with someone at your worse what does that tell you?? hes 23 so hes still a little immature.
@Don –
Just a few words in regards to what Don said in the last 2 paragraphs – I could not agree more – as painful as it is, a breakup is a great opportunity for personal growth, although this last part does require some effort on one’s part.
It’s been a couple of months for me now and everything felt very fragile in the beginning – and, still does, at times – but it has been a time for learning, of adding pieces to the picture of who i am and what do i seek in my life, what are the things that i value and how should i take care of them.
I am saying all this as a positive note to everyone here – yes, our circumstances may be very different, but in the end of the day, if you recognize the self-knowledge potential following your breakup, you can really go far. Don’t postpone the healing process, it can be one of the most important lessons in your life and you will find it applicable later on, in many respects, not only relationships-wise.
@Sara – I feel sorta bad because in rereading my reply I can imagine I may have come off a bit harsh. That was not my intention. I just believe certain situations sometimes require seemingly drastic measures.
…and your right, people don’t always make sense…even to themselves.
Good luck
@Ray -I’ve found that a good way to release is to write the entire story of your relationship from beginning to end. Be honest and leave nothing out, whether good or bad. It may seem an extensive undertaking, but if you put everything in chronological order it helps to arrange your thoughts.
Once you’ve finished you have a much clearer picture of what has happened. You also have a reference to the things you want in your next partner and the things you need to change about yourself in order to be successful in your next relationship.
I believe lost love brings us to a point in our lives where our growth potential is at it’s greatest. The pain of lost love causes us to look at things about ourselves and others that we would normally avoid, and in doing so, we awaken to an entire new world of possibilities.
Everything truly does happen for a reason. Your reason is exclusive to you, and it’s up to you to decide what it may be. Just remember…the next time around, and it’s sure to happen, you gotta be able to love like you’ve never been hurt.
@Don –
Thanks alot don. It doesnt make sense but i guess smtimes people do things that dont make sense. I will continue ignoring him:)
What is wrong with me? I was in a relationship with my ex for about 4 years. The last year was very hard on her and me. I feel guilty for not being able to be there for her 100% and truly let my love for her overcome things that bothered and concerned me. She has health problems, was unemployed for over 1.5 years, had problems finding a job in her field, difficult family health issues too and relationship issues with her mom/sibling. I didn’t have any of that in my life prior to her and it took over 9 months before she even had me visit her at her apartment (guess she was afraid of a new guy in her life). I felt guilty because I couldn’t see beyond the negative or be there for her with all her troubles. I know there were great times we shared together but I just feared the future with all the issues. Especially if we had kids and she continuing to have health issues.
Well we kept talking daily for a long time afterwards. I guess we didn’t want to let go and I was trying to still be there as her friend. We still had feeling for each other and it reared its head when we would just go out to hang out for dinner. It put us in an awkward situation when we talked about it but we didn’t really didn’t let it go on further than that but as you know it’s awkward the next morning.
I guess talking was not good because I hurt her when she found out I had moved on partially. I haven’t really had a girlfriend since her. But now I met somebody and do like her but I didn’t know how to let the other know or even stop talking to her. Guess I was so used to having an ear to listen to me and the fact she was somebody I did really care/love. Over the past months I have tried to ween myself from talking to her. I feel GUILTY for not being there for her now, she still has her issues and I guess feels that I am one of the few people (non-family or female) that truly knows her physical issues. It tears at me and at the same time I want to give and put my energies to the new woman in my life. I talked to my new girl once about my ex and she was hurt a little when I would bring her up on her struggles and me wanting to help.
It has been so long since we were a couple and I guess talking was the not good. Now I am just looking for advice. What is wrong with me? I want to be a nice guy and help all, that is how I was raised. BUT it hurts that I can’t go forward and give 100% to my new life. Why can’t I let go? I hate feeling guilty? I know I was not perfect and I know LOVE should be everything about a relationship but I just was not strong enough to overlook or not let the negativity get to me.
I guess the NO CONTACT RULE WAS BROKEN. I wish I had done that from the beginning, now it hurts like it did when we broke up.
@Sara -If you don’t want contact with him, ignore his attempts whenever possible. If he continues, there are legal actions you can take and you might mention this to him. If you truly want him gone, why he does what he does is irrelevant.
@stronger 😉 –
Yeah, I’ve recently begun writing my feelings down and you’re right, stronger, it’s been a big help. This is all a very slow process but slowly each day it gets a little more manageable. I’m making changes for the better and I feel good about it. This website is godsend
Its been half a year since i last talked to my ex. I think ive just about moved on. Just when my life is beginning to settle down, he finds a way to contact me! I dont know what to do! Do i continue ignoring or do i tell him to back off?? Ive worked so hard to get to where i am and i dont knw why hes doing this.
@Ray –
One way to get your emotions out is by keeping some kind of a journal – I have found it quite helpful in achieving better clarity about your own feelings. It is one thing to think, but to see your thoughts in writing can be a very insightful experience. And it has definitely helped me to release the emotional stress that builds up inside.
Best of luck,
I think I will try the journal thing sound like a wise. I am so tempted to call my ex but, reading everyone story help me to contain myself.
Thanks
@Mark –
Thanks for the reply, Mark. I’m slowly in the process of moving on and your words are definitely encouraging.
One thing I’m having trouble with is finding a way to get all of my feelings out about everything that happened. In order to move on I know I have to make peace with everything, including her decision to see someone else right after we broke up, it’s just hard finding a way to do away with my anger and hurt.
Again, thanks so much for the reply
@EP –
You’re story really hit home. i was dating a guy for 5 years (as i was sayin in my previous posts). it was a long distance thing. i knew him of course from high school at first and then he had to go away for college. i stuck it out. long story short: he cheated on me, i forgave him, i stuck it out. i didnt realize the things that were missing in my relationship with him until i met sm1 else. i didnt date this other person of course but we became close. my bf found out tht i was developing feelings and i had to choose.. and i chose my 5 year bf of course and stopped talkin to this other person. then my bf came to visit and things were GREAT. we were happy and i thot all was good. when he went bak to college, as our relationship continued he began getting distant. i would try to reach out and as u said in ur post, messages became very infrequent (once a week), he wouldnt reply to some of my emails, stpped calling as much.. etc. i soon found out he was tryin to reach out to the girl he cheated on me with saying that he “needed her”. i dont knw what to do with that.
i ended things with him ( i dont understand why he kept the relationship going if he was getting distant.. and why he kept running after me after i left him till now).. i was miserable and hurt at first and i did feel like he never loved me. so far it’s been almost 6 months of no contact for me. if u dont follow the no contact rule, u will end up falling bak into the same relationship cycle/drama. stop thinkin about him because clearly this guy is a waste of time. if u put your emotions aside, you will realize that no matter what was real or fake, it will not help you now. i can’t imagine the disappointment you are in now with this guy.. but you need to try and get yourself out of these thoughts. get a sport, call up your friends, and worry about your happiness. you need to take care of you.. and once u focus all your energy on that you will b fine. keep up the good work.. tc
Thanks Sara.
I have this feeling its going to take me a long while before I can knock him down from the pedestal he’s been on. Before I moved away, he was like Mr. Prince Charming. Everything I could have asked for in a guy. (always opening my car door for me, paying for everything, helping fix things around my house, he would pretty much do anything I asked him to) Plus, my favorite part, he could match my sarcasm and throw it back to me.
I guess he set my standards pretty high for the next guy to come around, and I’m not sure if that’s such a good thing…
Obviously, he changed when he entered college…
Maybe it’s for the best though. Supposedly I’m going to be as busy as a Med student in the up coming years and I’ve heard it’s difficult to keep a relationship up. So I’ll try to enjoy my single life for as long as it lasts.
I recently moved to college, 2000 miles away from home and my now ex-bf. We tried to stick it out in a long distance but ultimately things didn’t work out. I became jealous of the lack of time he made for me saying that he was tooo busy and that college life (going to parties and hanging out with friends) was important (obviously it is). He wasn’t willing to take a few minutes out of his life to even send me text messages that contributed to a conversation. He wouldn’t tell me about the things he’d been up to during the day or week because I wasn’t there and it didn’t matter. Before we broke up, he said he’d become really good friends with this girl who he talked about a lot of things with (that hurt, because he wouldn’t even talk to me about a lot of things anymore) I asked if he’d ever loved me, his reply was no. But while we were dating he’d always say ‘you are’ when I’d ask if I was loved. And I’m still lost as to when he lied to me.
Over all I’m just confused and have the largest urge to contact him and ask him what’s real and what’s a lie. But I’ve managed to not contact him for over a week now and don’t want to relapse since everyone says its better to have no contact at all…
@stronger 😉 –
thank you very much. it makes alot of sense.
i’ve realized that i feel empty alot of the time. like not always.. at sm points i remember him and it feels like a lifetime ago.. and it’s very strange. how do u realize that the person that was closest to u is now nobody in ur life?
i feel like he was my shoulder.. my protector. he’d always be there.. and now there’s no one. i really miss it. i know these arent excuses.. but i jst felt so safe with him.. and i trusted him.. and i loved and then there came a point where i became uncertain.. then felt unappreciated. a few yrs bak he cheated on me. i did the no contact thing for a few months.. and then forgave him. he cut contact with the other girl until this year. i guess i started to fall out of love with him and became interested in sm1 else. i never dated this other person.. but i felt my feelings changing. tht’s when i realized that maybe there were more ppl out there and that he wasnt the one. when this started happening.. he found out.. and started contacting the girl he cheated on me with. so i called it quits.. because when i confronted him and said everything.. he jst lied. after i left him.. he started giving me excuses for his behavior.. like that he was having a hard time with work.. and bla bla and that he “needed her”. wth? i guess im still feeling a mixture of things. im doing alot better now.. thankfully.. im focusing and living and even taking up new hobbies! but my mind wanders smtimes.. and i feel sad. im really glad i found this site.
@stronger/hopeful
Thank u so much for ur response! I’ve been ignoring her calls/txts. Its not easy @ all! She wrote me a nasty email saying that I don’t care about her anymore and all she does is cry over me. Its kind of crazy because she’s the one at fault. I think she’s trying to make me feel bad. Well its not working, not this time!
What I have been doing is keeping busy with work and being at the gym! I also wrote out the pros and cons about her and our relationship. The cons won out by a landslide! I will have to admit, the nights when I go to bed are still difficult. I force myself to sleep. One day I hope when I’m ready, that there are still honest and loving women out there! I let this girl into my heart and got hurt at the end! I never want to go through this experience again!
@Ray –
I too was in a similar situation. My girlfriend of two years broke up with me over the summer. I never saw it coming and one night she told me she no longer loved me. Needless to say I took this very hard, especially since we had been making plans together for our future. In the last four months I have made tremendous progress and I hope that what I have to share will also help you.
First and foremost, as everyone else says, you must follow the no contact rule. I like most people did not and I only got myself in more trouble. We would text a few times a week and then after 4 weeks of not seeing each other we met for dinner (we did this only because she was leaving the country for 4 months and I wanted to say goodbye). Over dinner she told me she realized she still loved me and that if she wasn’t leaving the next day we would be back together. During the next few weeks she was in constant contact with me, despite being overseas. I was ok with this since after what happened over dinner. Then I heard from a mutual friend (a best friend of hers) that she had met someone and was seeing them. It was at this point I decided to break all contact. I could not be a part of her life as a friend. Breaking contact was the best thing I could do for myself. Yes I do still miss her and wish that I could hear how she is doing, but I know that what is best for me is no contact. It is hard to do but is a must.
Once I made the decision to push her out of my life, I was able to really start my healing. I looked back to who I was two years ago before we met. Before we met I spent all of my time with friends, climbing, playing soccer, and mountain biking. I realized that I no longer did these things that I used to love so much. So I set goals and decided to become the best climber I can be. I started to focus all of my energy and thoughts into climbing. I became motivated and rediscovered a passion of mine. I discovered that I did not need her to be happy and focused on what I wanted and what made me happy.
Another key aspect of my healing was to try anything new. Like the movie Yes Man I started saying yes to everything. After the break up I had a hard time getting out. I made the decision to get myself out there. Whenever an opportunity came up I would jump on it even if I didn’t feel like it. For example, a few weeks ago I friend invited me to party I really didn’t want to go to. At first I said no, but called him back a few minutes later. I went to the party, had a great time, and even got date out of it. You never know how something will turn out, so get yourself out there.
So in a nutshell,
1. Break all Contact. You don’t need her and it is only making your life harder
2. Discover what you like to do and what makes you happy. Focus on it.
3. Get out there. Try something new, you never know how it will turn out.
I know it’s hard. It was for me for a while. You need to stay positive and know that life goes on. The pain will go away and you will meet someone new, someone better who will love you.
I broke up with my girlfriend of two years and I am struggling in every way. I tried the no-contact thing and failed a few times and we ended up fooling around. She started seeing someone else very soon after we broke up (and was part of the time while we were fooling around) and it is devastating. She tells me she is still in love with me and doesn’t know if she made a mistake. She says she might want to get back together in the future, just not now. “Time will tell if it’s meant to be,” she says, which I know is bullshit and that I shouldn’t put any hope into it (but I can help doing so). I know she is stringing me along when she says this. I feel used. I feel like her backup in case things go wrong with the new guy. This is so shitty. She’s been so heartless and inconsiderate. Can anyone give any advice on how I can get my life back together? We’re both at college and I can’t focus on schoolwork, which is really making me anxious as I have a big workload this quarter. I’ve joined a few clubs but haven’t made any new friends yet. We both have a ton of mutual friends which sucks. I feel extremely alone and cry when no one’s around. I hate seeing how well she is getting along while I’m on a continuous downward spiral. How do I lift myself back up and feel better? Any advice is greatly appreciated
@Kris
I was just as confused as you are…I broke the NO CONTACT rule (several times) in the beginning. We continued to talk and have sex supposedly with no strings attached (I never ONCE in my mind thought I could/would be able to do that). I think I did it because it made me feel like things were back to normal, which I very much craved. EVEN after knowing that he was going back to his EX wife.
Our contact only made me feel so bad about myself…either he wouldn’t say what I what I wanted him to say or do what I thought he should do. I thought maybe sex would change that, it doesn’t. Not for him and not for myself. So, for all that joy that I got just being in his presence it only made me feel like garbage on the drive home. Why would someone who says they love you do that? I’m not sure, but my best guess is that he felt guilty. We did have a very strong physical attraction but HE made the choice to not be together and once that choice was made there really was no going back from that…not even sex can salvage that.
He called and sent text a couple times after I made MY CHOICE to just finally end the contact…it was hard to not respond, but, once you finally make up your mind that that moment of familiarity and comfort isn’t worth the feeling of emptiness and being degraded you’ll know what I’m talking about. Its hard moving on I’m not gonna lie…I think of him often, but, those are my memories and not a testament that we should rekindle a flame that burned out long before either of us actually said it.
Its been a little over a month without ME having any contact with him and as everyone says it does get easier with time…but, don’t let the DAYS be the issue, let your refound happiness in each day be the measure. I was so desperate trying to get the relationship back that I didn’t notice that there are so many other things in life that are also worthwhile. I just switched my focus.
A good friend told me…”Once you become a lover of WHAT IS, the war is over…” May sound corny but I repeated that to myself and every day it made more sense.
Good Luck to you.
@Kris –
Would you really want to be in a relationship with a person who claims that you are not together yet sleeps with you? And then he says that you “might” get back together at some undefined point in the future? Don’t you think that you deserve some higher level of respect and mutuality?
It might seem hard after you have already broken up and got back together (I’ve been through the experience and it got worse every time), but I think you need to think a bit more about yourself here and do what is best for you. Why would you be with someone who doesn’t treat you right and doesn’t seem to care?