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In my work with people who suffer from a break up or divorce there is one question which is mostly asked first: How long will it take to get over it? How long will the pain last?
Even I asked this question many years ago. I waited two and a half years for that answer to come. It was then I realized what the final chapter in getting over a break up was.
I know how it feels.
Sometimes it seems so unbearable that you cannot imagine your life ever to be happy again. I will tell you something that you already feel is true inside of you, but your analytic mind doesn’t allow you to acknowledge: You will be happy again. And if you take this challenge, you will be much stronger than you were before.
I’ve been there.
You must look at this terrible experience as an opportunity, only then you will have the right mindset to from upon it. I know that it is very difficult to get into that state and it may take you some time. But when you actually understand, the healing will begin.
Unfortunately, many do not look at this the way I do. They try to get their Exes back or jump into another relationship right away. They would do anything to stop the pain. Isn’t this understandable?
Don’t try to get your Ex back
Sure, this may help for some time, but eventually this will get back to them with much harder intensity. Because the problem is buried deep inside and it will not go away if you mask it or ignore it.
Why do many people betray themselves for the chance to learn and grow from this devastating experience? The answer is of course because it costs them too much. It’s too expensive, too damn hard and too alluring to take the easy way.
Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing, end them.
—Shakespeare’s Hamlet
So, what is the final chapter of getting over a break up?
When you heal from a break up or divorce you have to go through the following four phases:
- Acceptance: Your partner is gone and he/she won’t come back
- Depression: You have to face the pain and all the negative emotions
- Independence: You have to learn to live alone
- Reopening: You have to learn to open up to other people and to a new relationship again
Everyone has to go through this steps. The two secrets on how to get over a break up are only an additional help, there is no healing without going through these steps.
The last chapter of the healing process therefore appears to be to prepare and actually step into a new relationship. But if you want to do this the right way, there is yet another step before that.
One of the greatest problems, before you can really open up to other relationships, is your attitude towards your Ex. It happens very often that you idealize your Ex, remembering only the positive aspects about your former relationship, but completely dismissing the negative ones.
You have put your Ex on a pedestal
This can cause pretty much damage in your upcoming new life. What you then have to do is to kick your Ex from that pedestal.
In order to do so, you have to face him/her again. I know this is a big one but very necessary. This is the only way to set the image right again and only when you pass this last test, then you’ll know that you are over him/her.
This is the last chapter in getting over a break up.
I am well aware that this is difficult and to a certain degree a risk. If you do this too early, for instance in phase 2, this may throw you even deeper into depression.
The final test
Take this as the final test to see if you are ready to move on.
How long will it take for you to reach this level? It really depends on your ability to accept and let go. I’ve seen it happen after 6 months, then again it may take up to 3 years. The deepness of your relationship is also a decisive factor.
But please, don’t look at this in terms of time. It takes as long as it takes for you to heal to a new person. It’s a path you consciously have to choose.
I’m here to help you along this path.
As always, if you have questions, I’m there for you.
All the best,
Eddie
(Photograph is from istockphoto / Imagine Golf)
14 responses so far ↓
1 Michael Scholz // Oct 3, 2007 at 12:15 pm
This is so true. It’s been nearly 2 years now after my break up and I’m still not over her. You are absolutely right, I’ve put my Ex on a pedestal, I’ve been idealizing our relationship, so that there is no room for a new beginning.
Your article opened my eyes! Thank you very much. Keep up the great work, there are many out there needing your help.
2 Eddie Corbano // Oct 15, 2007 at 8:05 am
Thank you Michael for your kind words.
It is always surprising how easy everything goes once the Ex is removed from that pedestal. However, it’s very dangerous to try that too early.
So choosing the right time is essential.
3 The 7 Deadly Sins In A Relationship // Nov 21, 2007 at 12:59 pm
[…] you have gone through the phases of a break up correctly, you will cope much better with a potential future break up than you did […]
4 7 Reasons Why Your Break-Up is Killing You // Nov 28, 2007 at 12:35 pm
[…] I think that this is a common misunderstanding. Time would not heal anything if it didn’t force you to go through a certain process. […]
5 James // Dec 1, 2007 at 4:25 am
Hey eddie, this article hit the nail on the head. I recently broke up from a serious relationship and i have been putting her on a pedestal, im now trying to kick her off but why is it dangerous? How should
i go about doing this?
6 Eddie Corbano // Dec 3, 2007 at 8:20 am
Hey James,
it’s dangerous, because if you encounter your Ex too early, it might throw you back in the healing-path.
You have to go through all the 4 phases I’ve described, if not, a confrontation would only damage you.
7 Dealing With Anger After A Break Up – Part 1/3 // Jan 20, 2008 at 7:51 pm
[…] experiencing a break up or divorce you have to go through the 4 phases. The anger is typical for the 2nd […]
8 lucy // Feb 5, 2008 at 4:59 pm
hi there
your article was really helpful! my boyfriend of 7 months who is at uni has just broken up with me over the phone, he cheated on me the night before and feels he cant handle the long distance relaitonship, and his feelings have changed. this was on saturday, very out of the blue. I called him today to ask him more about why it ended and we had a long conversation (both crying) but essentially he has feelings for someone else and needs space. I am finding it so hard to accept this, i keep thinking that he is still part of my life, part of me in a way, and i just want to know how to reach the acceptance stage. I know i will meet someone else becasue i am young, and my family and friends are all there for me, i just cant accept why something that began so well has suddenly finished, and how your feelings can change just like that? any advice would be so much appreciated, thankyou, lucy.
9 Eddie Corbano // Feb 10, 2008 at 12:54 pm
Lucy,
Acceptance takes time. You must consciously work on by dismissing past memories (check out no. 2).
Affirmations also help a lot: “I accept that my relationship is over”.
Once you are past the “acceptance-phase” it will be easier.
10 Ron // Feb 19, 2008 at 5:31 pm
I’m deeply devastated over my recent break-up, its been three weeks, I’ve lost weight, can’t sleep and have cried every day since. The biggest challenge is that I contributed to the breakup and didn’t realize it. I love going to the gym, and would regularly encourage my love to work out, exercise, etc, she was not into that, but my words made her feel insecure, killed her intense passion for me over the months, and because of that made her realize that our union could not be a lasting one, I’m 17 years older than she. I’m 46 and this was the longest lasting relationship I ever had, at my age starting over again, well, I just don’t want to start over. I finally thought I found the love of my life. We shared so much, its like a third of my waking hours are now empty and i have nothing to fill them, the worse part is she doesn’t even want to be friends, not even to talk on the phone, that kills me the most, how could my best friend in the whole world not want to talk to me. When I met her I slowly phased the rest of my friends out, I only wanted to be with her, now that she is gone I have no one. This is so difficult.
11 Bobby // Mar 30, 2008 at 4:30 pm
Thanks for the page. Very good advice. I just got out of a 2.5 year relationship only to find out she had cheated on me. I had to break it off and it is very hard to make the correct decsions when your in this state of mind. Acceptance is helping me out the most. I agree also with not putting your ex on a pedistal. I am sure this will help me prepare myself for future relationships. I can’t thank you enough for this article.
12 bryant // Apr 1, 2008 at 2:43 am
I broke up with my girlfriend amost a year ago. we dating for 3 years. I still think about her all the time and try to see her. She still trys to contact me and do dinner or lunch but it seems as if we are playing games with one another. I know why we broke up but fro some reason i can get her out of my mind.. Is there anything I can do
13 ASH // Apr 4, 2008 at 1:11 am
oh god i know how all of you feel, i recently ended my 4 and a half year relationship and i found out he was on all these dating sites and having his pictures on there and stuff, i mulled it over and over in my head, i called him to find out the truth but all i got was a response like i didnt do anything and right after that he said im not good enough. i realize that for every break up there is always something better. i realize today that if someone doesn’t love me the way i deserve to be loved they are certainly not worth my time. granted i am going thru hell, i have been sworn at, told im this and that but deep down we all have to find a way to make sure and look in the mirror and say we are all good people. and our x’s do not deserve to have us.
14 MensDivorceDating // Apr 30, 2008 at 4:04 pm
This is a great post. You’re absolutely right about the pedistal thing.
You can’t up another person on a pedestal without putting yourself beneath them.
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