Getting Over A Break Up – The Final Chapter
by Eddie Corbano
In my work with people who suffer from a break up or divorce there is one question which is mostly asked first: How long will it take to get over it? How long will the pain last?
Even I asked this question many years ago. I waited two and a half years for that answer to come. It was then I realized what the final chapter in getting over a break up was.
I know how it feels.
Sometimes it seems so unbearable that you cannot imagine your life ever to be happy again. I will tell you something that you already feel is true inside of you, but your analytic mind doesn’t allow you to acknowledge: You will be happy again. And if you take this challenge, you will be much stronger than you were before.
I’ve been there.
You must look at this terrible experience as an opportunity, only then you will have the right mindset to from upon it. I know that it is very difficult to get into that state and it may take you some time. But when you actually understand, the healing will begin.
Unfortunately, many do not look at this the way I do. They try to get their Exes back or jump into another relationship right away. They would do anything to stop the pain. Isn’t this understandable?
Don’t try to get your Ex back
Sure, this may help for some time, but eventually this will get back to them with much harder intensity. Because the problem is buried deep inside and it will not go away if you mask it or ignore it.
Why do many people betray themselves for the chance to learn and grow from this devastating experience? The answer is of course because it costs them too much. It’s too expensive, too damn hard and too alluring to take the easy way.
Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing, end them.
—Shakespeare’s Hamlet
So, what is the final chapter of getting over a break up?
When you heal from a relationship break up you have to go through the following four phases:
- Acceptance: Your partner is gone and he/she won’t come back
- Depression: You have to face the pain and all the negative emotions
- Independence: You have to learn to live alone
- Reopening: You have to learn to open up to other people and to a new relationship again
Everyone has to go through this steps. The two secrets on how to get over a break up are only an additional help, there is no healing without going through these steps.
The last chapter of the healing process therefore appears to be to prepare and actually step into a new relationship. But if you want to do this the right way, there is yet another step before that.
One of the greatest problems, before you can really open up to other relationships, is your attitude towards your Ex. It happens very often that you idealize your Ex, remembering only the positive aspects about your former relationship, but completely dismissing the negative ones.
You have put your Ex on a pedestal
This can cause pretty much damage in your upcoming new life. What you then have to do is to kick your Ex from that pedestal.
In order to do so, you have to face him/her again. I know this is a big one but very necessary. This is the only way to set the image right again and only when you pass this last test, then you’ll know that you are over him/her.
This is the last chapter in getting over a break up.
I am well aware that this is difficult and to a certain degree a risk. If you do this too early, for instance in phase 2, this may throw you even deeper into depression.
The final test
Take this as the final test to see if you are ready to move on.
How long will it take for you to reach this level? It really depends on your ability to accept and let go. I’ve seen it happen after 6 months, then again it may take up to 3 years. The deepness of your relationship is also a decisive factor.
But please, don’t look at this in terms of time. It takes as long as it takes for you to heal to a new person. It’s a path you consciously have to choose.
I’m here to help you along this path.
As always, if you have questions, I’m there for you.
All the best,
Eddie
(Photograph is from istockphoto / Imagine Golf)
My Recommendation For Further Reading:
- 10 Secrets About Men - Very Recommendable Inside-Tips from Christian Carter
- Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends - THE Classic Book About Breakup Recovery
- For Men: Getting Your Groove Back After A Breakup - Approaching Women and Getting Physical
5 Must-See Related Posts:
About The Author:
Eddie Corbano is a breakup-coach, relationship-advisor and founder of LovesAGame. He suffered from a devastating break up in 1998. Since then, he dedicated his life to helping others getting the best of this existential experience. The overcoming of a break up is an important step to autonomy and independency. Eddie Corbano developed some new coaching programs, which focus on evolving inner strength and the power to set and reach any personal goal. (Article written on September 25th, 2007)
Show all posts by Eddie Corbano
Tags: break up, divorce, how to heal a broken heart, how to mend a broken heart
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Recent Comments:
@Kelsey – Take my word Darling, when you hold that little boy or girl for the first time, most of the pain will go away. You will be a new person with...
anotherdud | March 14, 2010 | more»
@anotherdud – Thank you for this post. It seems nearly impossible to be rational and objective when there’s a big hole in your chest where you heart...
Kelsey | March 14, 2010 | more»
well u deserve it if u broke her heart!!! Dont play with girls hearts!!! they will play with yours ever worse!!!
kylee | March 14, 2010 | more»
i am new here. . and i am really happy for i have found this website. . perfect for my situation. . everything i have read here in your article inspired me a...
shine | March 14, 2010 | more»- @Marie – There is much to be said for tough love. As long as you are there, obviously when he is unsure if he wants you to be, you are devaluing...
anotherdud | March 13, 2010 | more»
@jvrie -
I am so sorry to hear that,I know EXACLTY how you feel dont worry girlie you’re gonna be okay just give it time at night instaed of thinikinngg watch one of your fav moviee till you get exhausted that way you dont end up tjhinking of him. Girl look at hte brightside of it!! if he;’s stupid enough to hurt youu he isnt worth itt you’re so much valuablee than he’ll EVER bee
is been almost 7 months now, after he dumped me and i had broke the non-contact rule almost 10 times and every time i due it’s worst, but i just can’t understand why i still thinking about him and feeling bad and everything, if he is not the kind of guy i want next to me……… i guess everything will make sense later!
You know what ? You should seriously chuck him. Start the no contact rule. Start ignoring him. Remove him form facebook (if you have afb account) , Delete him from your contact list. Don’t ever call him or text him. Just be like you didnt come across him at all in your life.
All you have to do is… IGNORE him !
It really works. Trust me.
Take care.
Love.
Later.
Here’s my ID if at all you require: rasvanthi.reddy@hotmail.com
Please someone help me!!! I feel like I am going to loose my mind… I have tried but I just want to know WHY?? please ??
Thankyou so much for this article. I just found out a horrible detail about what my ex had been doing behind my back, and was overwhelmed with anger. I had so many questions and “why?” s and “F**K YOU” s.
I literally felt like that crazy girl who throws plates at her ex’s head. I was ready to drive to his house and beat the shit out of him. Thank god my phone was nowhere in sight or I would have broken the no contact rule (it’s been 10 days) and screamed down the phone and humiliated myself.
Instead:
I used the punching bag, then dissolved into tears of sheer relief.
I’m still angry, but it’s not overwhelming like before and I’m sure a few more punching bag sessions will being me closer to peace.
Well the guy i was dating, started to see another woman while my dad was dying in the hospital. I didnt have enough time to spend with him since I had to look after my dad. He then avoided me at all costs during the time I needed him most.
He would call occasionally but seldom asked how I was doing or about my dad. Actually one time he said “I don’t care about how you are feeling” and I was like “seriously??”. Now that I look back he was a real jerk and not worthy of my love.
I tried to get a confrontation out of him just so we could talk out what really happened and for me to tell him He was an ass and to wish him the best…but he wouldn’t commit to doing so . I got the message and made up my mind that, that was it.
He had photos up with him and this girl I knew on facebook and yet he said she was not his woman etc…damn liar. This guy hurt me deep and at the worst time …during the grieving period for my father…I severed contact with an occasional text or email (nothing personal at all) because I am a christian and i still wanted to show love. However it really did hurt so everything is over now.
I was way too into him and come to think of it way too good for him too…it was time to break free …there really is better out there. We just need to be patient and wait.
I’ve gone through acceptance & going through derpression.
Luckily I had the help of a close friend who has gone through this exact thing 8 years ago and has recently married the love of his life for the last 7 years. So I know it’s possible to move on.
I love the part about kicking your ex from her pedistal.
I never realized I was putting her up there.
Once kicked down it doesn’t seem as bad a loss.
I only focused on the ONE bad thing she did & not her other faults had been accepting (not easily or without problems) over the course of our 9 year marriage.
I couldn’t imagine my “Angel” doing this to me but now that I think of all the things that take her off her pedistal she doesn’t look so angelic anymore.
The part about facing them is probably true but I’ve been facing her the whole time since we are being civil in our divorce & not fighting over anything.
She also has answered just about every question I ever asked her.
This is good for closure/peace of mind.
She didn’t understand why I asked what I did but I explained that I was driving myself crazy trying to wonder how & what happened.
I hate secrets & told her she owed me answeres.
I do warn anyone thinking about asking for details because you might not be able to handle the answers.
Friends really help.
I’m in the process of reaching out myself.
@Eddie Corbano – O wow, i know that all to well. I’m 18 and me and my ex dated for 4 years, we moved in together when we were 17( WHAT was i thinking) and i found this site 2 days after we broke up and after a month i felt fantastic, i wasn;t even going up and down, then we met up, talked for like an hour… boom i felt the same way i did when she broke up with me minus the panic. and now i feel im going through the motions again.