In my work with people who suffer from a break up or divorce there is one question which is mostly asked first: How long will it take to get over it? How long will the pain last?

Even I asked this question many years ago. I waited two and a half years for that answer to come. It was then I realized what the final chapter in getting over a break up was.

I know how it feels.

Sometimes it seems so unbearable that you cannot imagine your life ever to be happy again. I will tell you something that you already feel is true inside of you, but your analytic mind doesn’t allow you to acknowledge: You will be happy again. And if you take this challenge, you will be much stronger than you were before.

I’ve been there.

You must look at this terrible experience as an opportunity, only then you will have the right mindset to from upon it. I know that it is very difficult to get into that state and it may take you some time. But when you actually understand, the healing will begin.

Unfortunately, many do not look at this the way I do. They try to get their Exes back or jump into another relationship right away. They would do anything to stop the pain. Isn’t this understandable?

Don’t try to get your Ex back

Sure, this may help for some time, but eventually this will get back to them with much harder intensity. Because the problem is buried deep inside and it will not go away if you mask it or ignore it.

Why do many people betray themselves for the chance to learn and grow from this devastating experience? The answer is of course because it costs them too much. It’s too expensive, too damn hard and too alluring to take the easy way.

Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing, end them.
—Shakespeare’s Hamlet

So, what is the final chapter of getting over a break up?

When you heal from a break up or divorce you have to go through the following four phases:

1. Acceptance: Your partner is gone and he/she won’t come back
2. Depression: You have to face the pain and all the negative emotions
3. Independence: You have to learn to live alone
4. Reopening: You have to learn to open up to other people and to a new relationship again

Everyone has to go through this steps. The two secrets on how to get over a break up are only an additional help, there is no healing without going through these steps.

The last chapter of the healing process therefore appears to be to prepare and actually step into a new relationship. But if you want to do this the right way, there is yet another step before that.

One of the greatest problems, before you can really open up to other relationships, is your attitude towards your Ex. It happens very often that you idealize your Ex, remembering only the positive aspects about your former relationship, but completely dismissing the negative ones.

You have put your Ex on a pedestal

This can cause pretty much damage in your upcoming new life. What you then have to do is to kick your Ex from that pedestal.

In order to do so, you have to face him/her again. I know this is a big one but very necessary. This is the only way to set the image right again and only when you pass this last test, then you’ll know that you are over him/her.

This is the last chapter in getting over a break up.

I am well aware that this is difficult and to a certain degree a risk. If you do this too early, for instance in phase 2, this may throw you even deeper into depression.

The final test

Take this as the final test to see if you are ready to move on.

How long will it take for you to reach this level? It really depends on your ability to accept and let go. I’ve seen it happen after 6 months, then again it may take up to 3 years. The deepness of your relationship is also a decisive factor.

But please, don’t look at this in terms of time. It takes as long as it takes for you to heal to a new person. It’s a path you consciously have to choose.

I’m here to help you along this path.

As always, if you have questions, I’m there for you.

All the best,

Eddie

(Photograph is from istockphoto / Imagine Golf)