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The Secret How To Get Over A Break Up

i hate my ex girlfriend

Photo by Jennifer Krug

Healing a broken heart from a lost love seems to be the most challenging endeavor that anyone could imagine. A break up usually starts with a period of paralyzing shock, turning into helplessness and deep grief. It appears impossible to ever be happy again. Wouldn’t it be good if there was a secret showing how to get over a break up?

What if I told you that a break up or divorce can actually be looked at as a very good chance for you? Your opportunity? Look into the abyss and see who you really are! Do you believe this?

Well, I for one, do believe. Because it happened to me and I experienced it myself.

“You don’t know what love is
Until you’ve learned the meaning of the blues
Until you’ve loved a love you’ve had to lose
You don’t know what love is”

–Chet Baker

My own break up in 1998 was, on the one hand, the most terrible and painful incident that ever happened to me. On the other hand, the very best that happened to me. Sounds pretty paradoxical, huh?

For now, I would like to ask you just to take my word for it and read on, you will come to understand why.

The secret of how to heal a broken heart didn’t come to me just like that, nor have I read about it in a book or the like. As I have written on my about-me-page, I’ve had a break up coach. Not a professional one – just a very distant relative, who apparently called me out of the blue. (Today I know that it was no coincidence at all). He then introduced me to the two main concepts showing how to heal a broken heart.

He had been through a terrible divorce himself, as well as dealing with some other terrible things in his life. The measures he took, the thinking he developed, literally saved his life.

Isn’t it strange that each and every one of us has had, or will have, a certain point in our lives where we find ourselves standing at a crossroads? Ok, maybe not that strange – that’s how life works. Interesting though, is why some take the way to the right and some choose to go to the left. Some recover very quickly from their break up or divorce, and have grown from that experience. Others take many, many years to recover, and after that they are not the person they used to be, (usually in a negative way).

By the time I finally met with him, I had six terrible months behind me, full of self pity, tortuous pain, loneliness and infinite grief. I was past the first painful phase of a break up, but not yet ready to move on, to make the vital step towards healing.

At first I didn’t want to meet him, I didn’t want to meet anybody. But he insisted. This was my chance.

We met in a coffeehouse, and I’ll never forget what happened. He had heard what happened to me from other people, and after some chitchat, the first question he asked me literally blew me away.

He asked me: “Why do you think that SHE is responsible for your happiness?”

And this was it. So simple.

Healing A Broken HeartIn my eyes, it was her that I needed so badly in my life to be happy, to feel valuable. I held on to her to have a purpose, a meaning. I wasn’t happy on my own. It was she who made me go on, enduring myself. I absolutely didn’t love myself.

Of course I couldn’t think rationally at that time. But it was him who did the thinking for me.

He then explained his concept on how to get over a break up, how to lead a happy and fulfilling life, and how to develop a stable personality. Healing a broken heart was just a side effect of his concept.

Extreme suffering during a break up is always a sign that your mindset towards life and yourself is not correct.

The main two pillars of a stable personality, and therefore the main premise for a happy life, so he told me, are:

1. Complete and unconditional self-love

2. A very personal purpose in life

Wow, that made an impression on me.

Does this make sense to you? It took me some time to get it.

Only if you love yourself completely and unconditionally, and this means to accept the way you are, with all your weaknesses and strengths, can you also love others. If not, everything you do is looking for approval from others. You will be looking for their light, instead of using yours.

There are quite a few methods to work on self love. Some have been discussed here and some will be discussed in future articles. They all have in common that you must take a closer look into yourself and accept what you see. Finding your inner child, and using affirmations, are both very good ways to increase your self love.

The second very important secret is finding your purpose in life and pursuing it with all your heart.

What’s your purpose in life? Well, that’s the tricky part. I can’t help you much with that – that is something you have to figure out by yourself. I can only give you some tips on how to find it. There are some good books on that matter.

Deepak Chopra wrote in his book The Seven Spiritual Laws Of Success that your very purpose in life is your unique and very special talent. We have taken manifestation in physical form to fulfill this purpose. He calls it “Dharma”. Something, when you picture yourself doing it, your heart lightens up and you feel a warm feeling of happiness.

When you combine your life purpose with service to humanity, then you make full use of the Law of Dharma.

I second that.

Find something you love and are passionate about. Try to help other people with your talent and then simply be the best at it! There is no greater fulfillment than finding your life purpose and serving others.

Then you will not only have your blueprint for a happy life, you will eventually realize that you have gotten over your break up or divorce along the way.

How To Get Over A Break Up

If you are suffering through a break up or divorce right now, I sincerely wish for you to find your path, and come to a higher understanding of your true Self. Only then will you be ready to find the partner you deserve.

This is a small but vital fraction of the healing process. There are more things to consider, especially in the first phases directly after a break up or divorce.

Your friend,
Eddie Corbano

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1,491 Responses to The Secret How To Get Over A Break Up

  1. Pamela February 8, 2015 at 3:11 pm #

    Hi Eddie,
    My ex-fiancee broke our engagement off on Jan.1st 2015, marriage date 02-14-2015, he said he just wanted to be single because he was at a place in his life where he had a lot going on. I miss him like crazy!! Approxiamately late Oct-Nov. he was getting to the point of not returning texts and not answering calls. He said he was just tired and sleepy from meds! I would get frustrated bc I had a gut feeling that he was cheating and the feeling just would not go away!! He constantly said that he loved me and was in love with me but also had got to the point of not visiting on weekends or holidays. All felt wrong to me but I shrug it off and kept going! Now I am devastated and in much pain, my mind is bothered and I’m trying hard to pick up the pieces and move on!! Im ready for a new mind set and life without him! It just hurts so bad, that I feel like coiling up and die. I’m trying so hard but Im having a hard time staying focused, my 11yr old daughter loves him so much, she walked in the room one day as I was crying one day uncontrollably and she started to cry and comfort me but I had to tell her that her poppa was not coming back to see us. I didn’t want to have to tell her that but I only cry when she is not home now!! I REALLY NEED HELP AND I WANT HELP TO GET OVER HIM. I thought for sure I wanted him back bc our good outweighed the bad but after how he walked away from us I just want to move on to a better healthier me, mind body and soul bc I don’t ever want my child to go through this with me ever again!! Please help me I just want this pain to stop!! :-( :-( :-(

    • Lisa February 17, 2015 at 8:56 am #

      Hi Pamela,
      I think we all wish there was a remedy, a pill that you can take and then bang! you wake up and it’s all gone. Sadly, it all takes time but it’s great that you found this website, Eddie points out all the reason why you feel the way you feel. I found this articlae particularly helpful. It’s all because of the lack of self-love and purpose. I was thinking just that as I walked to work this morning and god knows just walking these days takes an effort. I was dumped 10 days ago and it was by a man who already broke my heart 3 years ago. It took me a year back then to nurture myself back to life and then another year to completely forget him but once he reappeared I took him back without much questioning or any hard work on his side. I really am like a woman possessed around him. A terrible year later during which he disappeared and came back as he wished and he dumped me without any explanantion. There is nothing one can say to you to make you get over this man overnight. You are far from alone. Read all other horror stories on here how women are dumped pregnant, a day before the wedding, or after 10 years together and 3 kids. It’s part of the game called love as they say. It’s always a risk, but each time you learn a lesson and next time you can see an emotionally unavailable man from a mile and you run! Read this article http://nymag.com/thecut/2014/11/ask-polly-how-do-i-move-on-from-the-one.html
      I really like how Polly writes. And good luck to you! You will feel better one day. We all will. I’ve been there.

    • stevi a February 27, 2015 at 5:05 pm #

      my bf of 4 years died last Friday of a drowning accident. I wasn’t there. I went to his place and found out he was cheating, his friend confronted me and said he wanted this other girl for a long time since I’ve been with him.I also found out other hurtful things. I m in so much shock. I feel so angry. no way to confront him.I don’t want to go to the memorial.

  2. makes February 19, 2015 at 11:02 am #

    My boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me a week ago , I found out he has another child that’s turning 3 and he was seeing another girl 12 years younger than us . He just told me he needed space but immediately continued seeing her . He wants to be friends for our child sake but everytime he is near me he kisses and touches me , telling me that this is hard for him too , but come on he moved on already . I so hurt and depressed and in my mind I know that he is no good because he will always cheat but my heart is telling me to fight for him even though it seems he doesn’t want me but gived me mixed signals. Yesterday when I asked him to look after oir son for a few hours he told me his not at home , when I took our child to his mother he was there with her . When he brought our son back we argued because I was pissed . I told him to leave me alone and one day I will find someone thar will appreciate me . I wanted to hurt him and think I did . Today I felt sorry for what I did but I know I need space from him but can’t seem to do it . I think he blocked me on his phone . And now I’m more depressed but kinda feel better than last week. I need some brutal advice .

  3. Pam February 23, 2015 at 7:31 pm #

    It’s been 8 months since the break up. A relationship which I thought was wonderful, we lived in a bubble of happiness for 10 months. And by bubble, I mean my friends & family met him but I couldn’t meet his daughter or have his ex- wife know about me because he didn’t want to cause problems. Out of the blue he text me his good bye saying it wasn’t fair to me but he didn’t know when he would be ready. Fast forward 5 months he’s in a very public relationship. Shot my self- esteem. It’s been like grieving a death & now realizing that he’s happy & moved on – opened up wounds. Wonder why I never seem to be put first.

    • michelle March 28, 2015 at 6:17 pm #

      Pam,
      I feel for you. I had almost the same relationship with my ex. He had a business partner that was not able to know he was engaged. We were together for 5 years, even going to Vegas last month for our anniversary. When we came back he told me that we were no longer able to be together because she found out we were together and gave him an ultimatum, her or me. He chose her! I have been an emotional wreck since. Everyday, I want to beg and plead for him. But, as I talk to people, I realize that what he did could and should not ever be forgiven, no matter what! It is very difficult to get that concept through my head, because I was so in love with him. However, I realize, I really did not mean much to him for him to have done this to me. I deserve better.. :-) I wish you all the happiness in life… There is only 1, and no second changes. Never go backwards!

  4. Andy February 27, 2015 at 7:18 pm #

    As I sit here and read these stories, I see myself in all of them. My fiancé started acting different about 5 months ago. I knew something was wrong but I couldn’t put a finger on it. Two months ago we were in a discussion about how she had changed the way she treated me and talked to me. It must have been to much for her to hear or perfect timing. She took her ring off and told me she couldn’t marry me at this time. She told me that she loved me but still loved her Ex also. It tortured my soul. She told me that she had jumped from relationship to relationship in the past and never give herself time to heal. I begged, cried, & pleaded with her not to do this. None of it worked. I quit eating, slept very little, shut myself away from everyone, and all the things that I shouldn’t do. I need help. I can’t live with out her. I can’t do anything without her. After a month and a half I realized that I was still living and breathing. So that told me that I didn’t NEED her, but that I really just WANTED her. I’m not over her and not sure when or if I will ever be over her, but I am some better. I have to look at that as a step forward. A step forward that I didn’t or don’t want to take. It seems very small and insignificant, but it is progress. I think about her every minute of the day, but I don’t cry as much as I did in the beginning. I have chose to wait for her. It may be the wrong thing to choose, but it is my decision and in the meantime, Andy can work on Andy. Something that he does have control over.

  5. Tera March 3, 2015 at 5:22 pm #

    My BF of 7 years have recently broke up 2 months ago. We share one child together and he raised my 10 year old for most of her life. I caught him cheating and we decided to take a break, he has been spending time with the kids but we haven’t been working on our relationship. He tells me he loves me and be patient with him, my patients is growing thin and I feel like im being robbed of my healing because he keeps giving me hope that I feel is not there. I’m really confused on what I should do, ive caught him so many time talking with other women pre- baby and never thought it would happen after-baby (dumb in know). So I’m struggling with myself do I move on or do I wait for him. I’m torturing myself waiting for a miracle to happen and hope we will come around and be the father/partner I need.

    • Andy March 4, 2015 at 4:39 pm #

      Tera, I am in a very similar situation and feel very much like you do now. I had to make a choice for myself just to survive. I was being torn to leave or stay. I chose to wait because at the end of the day, if she walks away, she can’t say that I quit. I Truly understand your feelings. I lost almost 40 lbs in 1 month. I had to distance myself to a point of letting her make the first move. The first to call or text. Then I had to make myself to not pick the phone up and see if it still was working. I know there isn’t a magic word any where to make it better, you just have to be able to face yourself in the mirror each morning with your choice that you made. And Tera, when things are really bad, just concentrate on taking the next breath. I had to.

  6. CANDY March 11, 2015 at 6:49 am #

    I must say so far this detox program is good help my husband had cheated on me with a woman he work with and things just went from bad to worse starting to abuse and disrespect and all the sadest part about it all was infront of the kids we have two daughters and they still very small after years of betrayal and abuse and all he told me he loved her and he is staying with her so i let it be i had no choice but to divorce him and what is so hard the fact that we still need to be in contact because of the children i really wish i did not have to see or speak to him at all if he could just vanish it will make my life easier i dont want him back i was just hurt the fact that he could move on so fast with his life and be happy while i didn’t even know he was long gone and the fact that he move in and staying with her while we were not even divorce brake me and how they play happy family with my children when they vissit him but i learn to accept it and as hard as it is i am getting better everyday i just look back and say to myself you better off your children dont witness his ugly dog ways towards you and you have a better life now on your own dont have to worry and be scared and wonder where he is is he coming home and all that so i made a choice to let go and to move on and this program is helping me not to think or want him back and to focus on my self my new life my own happiness my better future for so long it was just about him and everything of my life was based on him but now i am setting myself free and start over and step by step build a life for myself and a better and happier one who need someone that dont respect or love you and just want to be stepping over you all the time no one so i made a choice and i am following this program its helping me so much and i am getting better and better as i pray everyday and God help me so much and He made me strong during all this but its true you responsible for your own happiness love yourself and respect yourself enough not to let a divorce or break up destroy you you have a brighter future ahead and do what is best for you besides all the hurt and pain just remember this too shall pass.

  7. Fred March 19, 2015 at 4:28 pm #

    This was very enlightening. I can start to see that the problem is how I have been seeing the world and not how the world has been seeing me. I know by your words that there is hope and light at the of the tunnel.

  8. Anna April 5, 2015 at 7:01 am #

    My 5-year old boyfriend decided to end things because ‘this was just not working’, one month ago. I pleaded for him to change his mind, and though i succeeded, until three weeks later (during the three weeks i was the only one to call him and ask to meet), after we had dinner, he told me that he was starting to talk to other people and look for someone else, and whether i was still willing to stay under this condition. I felt shattered, starting trembling and felt everything spinning around me. he left some minutes later, cause he was going to the club with his friends, left me there crying my heart out. Though being hurt that much, I kept on calling him and looking for him. At times he would reply and sometimes not. I started to go clubbing, got drunk and called him each time to blame him for failing me, started smoking. But after doing those, the next day I always felt like shit, hating myself. My parents talked to me and told me to let go because I was unhappy with him, but in my mind i was torturing myself with a replay of him meeting someone else and being happy, getting married, while i remained here alone…

    Fact is, when i first met him, things were cool, but he wanted to take it step by step, so i went along with him rules, thinking things would change somehow with time. time went by, i introduced him to my parents two years later when they visited me on my graduation day. But on this side, he want ready yet to introduce me to his parents and kept me a ‘secret’, i told myself it was ok and that he wasnt ready. On Facebook also, he never wanted pics of us being uploaded, saying he wanted to keep his life private. I was not against it, thinking thins was kinda true. But we were happy. he had no car at that time, but found time to go to the beach with me by bus, we went out for lunch, for movies, he would come stay at my place/

    Then around year 3 he started hanging out with those new friends. they were guys, and had things in common. He started to change, having less time for me, and more time for them. When i wanted to go out, he was too busy or too tired, even too busy to sleep over at my place. Routine installed. we kept doing the same things, i got more and more unhappy, frustrated, even got jealous of his friends. Try to talk to him but each time he would get mad and said i was only looking for fights, so i started to shut up, coz i feared he would leave me.

    He introduced me to his parents this year. Stayed there a couple of times, and each time i went through hell before going to sleep. He would tell me we cant sleep on the same bed cause his parents wouldn’t like it, and that i had to install a mattress on the floor, in his room. So,, that was how i slept.

    But now i feel so lost without him. The only thing that helps me is Eddie’s ex detox. It’s been 2 days since i haven’t contacted him. It’s killing me, but i want to forget about him. Though i keep on thinking that he has met someone else, that they are happy and that i’m the one alone and scared of relationships because of this… My mom’s coming next week to help me get through it, but she wont be able to stay for long. Im so lost and unhappy right now. It hurts

    • Mary April 7, 2015 at 3:57 am #

      I’m on day three and it’s so awful. It’s soooo awful. Try to take it one minute at a time or just by the half hour. You can do this! Please don’t contact him. Seriously try not to becAuse if you think about it he will wonder.. Shock him! Do the opposite! Move in baby steps. It’s life threatening. Don’t contact him! It isn’t worth another set back. Hey you made it two days right? That’s awesome!!!!

  9. Kate April 5, 2015 at 12:22 pm #

    Hi,

    These articles really help me understand I’m not alone. Mine isn’t a simple relationship breakdown, it is the culmination of years and years of jumping from bad relationship to bad relationship in the hope the new relationship is good and “saves me”! I knew two years ago that I had to face my demons but I was in too much pain after my biggest break up to date…I’m finally ready to accept that I need to work hard on myself before jumping into the next mr right now! It’s going to be hard but I have started the no contact with most recent bf (finished a week ago!) upto day 3 currently so very early days! I told him I loved him and he said he doesn’t see us progressing and finished it… I was shocked because there were no problems that he mentioned, things were happy, fun, really good…, feel rejected for lots of reasons and just keep thinking about all the good times! I want to speak to him but can’t bear the thought of hearing him say he cares about me but doesn’t see us progressing the way I did! Confusing and complicated!

  10. Mary April 5, 2015 at 1:41 pm #

    I knew something was wrong for a long time. I broke 35 days of no contact last week. He met me for a few minutes in a parking lot. He said he loved me but just couldn’t do it anymore. I’m almost positively certain he is seeing someone else but won’t admit it. He said he heard I was talking crap about him. I just feel like it is all of my fault. This is what I am struggling with the most. Like if only I had done this or that this would not have happened. He isn’t a happy person in general. I don’t know. I am on day two of no contact so I’m trying to do the 60 days. He was never good to me. He left the relationship all of the time. I just feel like this time it’s final. I am always waiting for his return. This time I don’t want to wait. I want to move on and if he does return be able to say no.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. ChickSpeak » News Archives » Let Go for Good: How to Avoid Lingering Relationships - April 6, 2010

    […] “Find something you love and are passionate about, try to help other people with your talent and then simply be the best in it! There is no greater fulfillment than finding your life purpose and serving others. Then you will not only have your blueprint for a happy life, you will eventually notice that you have gotten over your break up,” says Eddie Corbano of Lovesagame.com. […]

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