The Secret How To Get Over A Break Up

by Eddie Corbano

1,405

i hate my ex girlfriend Healing a broken heart from a lost love seems to be the most challenging venture one could imagine. A break up usually starts with a phase of paralyzing shock then turns into helplessness and deep grief. It appears impossible to ever be happy again. Wouldn’t it be good if there was a secret how to get over a break up?

What if I told you that a break up or divorce is also a very good chance? Your opportunity? Look into the abyss and see who you really are! Do you believe in this?

Well, I for one, I believe. Because it happened to me and I experienced it myself.

“You don’t know what love is
Until you’ve learned the meaning of the blues
Until you’ve loved a love you’ve had to lose
You don’t know what love is”

–Chet Baker

My own break up in 1998 was on the one hand the most terrible and painful incident that ever happened to me, again on the other hand, the very best that happened to me. Sounds pretty paradoxical, huh?

For now, I would like to ask you just to take my word for it and read on, you will understand.

The secret how to heal a broken heart didn’t come to me just like that, nor have I read about it in a book or the like. As I have written on my about-me-page, I’ve had a break up coach. Not a professional one. It was a very distant relative, who apparently called me out of the blue (today I know that it was no coincident at all). He then introduced me to the two main concepts on how to heal a broken heart.

He by himself has had a terrible divorce before and some other terrible things additionally. The measures he took, the thinking he developed literally saved his life.

Isn’t it strange that each and everyone of us has had or will have a certain point in his life where he finds himself standing at a crossroad? Ok, maybe not that strange, that’s how life works. Interesting though is why some take the way to the right and some to the left. Some recover very quickly from their break up or divorce and have grown with that experience, others take many many years to recover and after that they are not the person they used to be (in a negative way).

At the time when I met him, I have had six terrible months behind me, full of self pity, tortuous pain, loneliness and infinite grief. I was past the first painful phases of a break up, but yet not ready to move on, to make the vital step towards healing.

At first I didn’t want to meet him, I didn’t want to meet anybody. But he insisted. This was my chance.

We’ve met in a coffeehouse. I’ll never forget that. He had heard what happened to me from other people and after some chitchat the first question he asked me literally blew me away.

He asked me: “Why do you think that SHE is responsible for your happiness?”

And this was it. So simple.

Healing A Broken Heart In my eyes it was her I needed so badly in my life to be happy, to feel valuable. I held on to her to have a purpose, a meaning. I wasn’t happy on my own. It was she who made me going on, enduring myself. I absolutely didn’t love myself.

Of course I couldn’t think rationally at that time. But it was him who did the thinking for me.

He then explained his concept on how to get over a break up, how to lead a happy and fulfilling life and how to develop a stable personality. Healing a broken heart was just a side effect of his concept.

Extreme suffering during a break up is always a sign that your mindset towards life and your own person is not correct.

The main two pillars of a stable personality and therefore the main premises for a happy life, so he told me, are:

1. Complete and unconditionally self-love

2. The very personal purpose in life

Wow, that made an impression on me.

Does this make sense to you? It took me some time to get it.

Only if you love yourself completely and unconditionally, and this means to accept the way you are, your weaknesses and strengths, you can also love others. If not, everything you do is looking for approval in others. You will be looking for their light, instead of using yours.

There are quite a few methods to work on self love. Some have been discussed here and some will be discussed in future articles. They all have in common that you must take a closer look into yourself and accept what you see. Finding your inner child and affirmations are very good ways to increase your self love.

The second very important secret is to find your purpose in life and pursue it with all your heart.

What’s your purpose in life? Well, that’s the tricky part. I can’t help you much with that, that is something you have to figure out by yourself. I can only give you some tips on how to find it. There are some good books on that matter.

Deepak Chopra wrote in his book The Seven Spiritual Laws Of Success that your very purpose in life is your unique and very special talent. We have taken manifestation in physical form to fulfill this purpose. He calls it “Dharma”. Something, when you picture yourself doing it, your heart lightens up and you feel a warm feeling of happiness.

When you combine your life purpose with service to humanity, then you make full use of the Law of Dharma.

I second that.

Find something you love and are passionate about, try to help other people with your talent and then simply be the best in it! There is no greater fulfillment than finding your life purpose and serving others.

Then you will not only have your blueprint for a happy life, you will eventually notice that you have gotten over your break up or divorce on the way:

How To Get Over A Break Up

If you are suffering from a break up or divorce right now, I sincerely wish you that you will find your path and come to a higher understanding of your true Self. Only then you will be ready to find the partner you deserve.

This is a small but vital fraction of the healing process. There are more things to consider especially in the first phases directly after a break up or divorce. Watch out for further articles on how to get over a break up on this site.

Your friend,

Eddie Corbano

Photograph is a courtesy of Jennifer Krug

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About The Author:

Eddie Corbano is a breakup-coach, relationship-advisor and founder of LovesAGame. He suffered from a devastating break up in 1998. Since then, he dedicated his life to helping others getting the best of this existential experience. The overcoming of a break up is an important step to autonomy and independency. Eddie Corbano developed some new coaching programs, which focus on evolving inner strength and the power to set and reach any personal goal. (Article written on July 31st, 2007)
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Success Stories from other LovesAGame readers

Misserable

I met my ex threw one of our friends and when we first met we fell in love at first site becuase not that much longer and we where dateing. We had an amazing loveing relationship for a few monthes then it just came to an end. It’s been 4 monthes since the breakup and he has a new girlfriend and I have a new boyfriend that i don’t even like as a boyfriend because im still in love with the other guy that i cry about just about everynight since the break up and he’s on my mind 24/7 and i need to get over him but i don’t know how to.
Broken heart, but healing

Reading these posts has been so helpful.

I am 42 years old, male, and it has been 30 days exactly since my ex-girlfriend and I broke up. She is 40. It has been pure hell and torture, especially the first few weeks…I still go through hours where I just dwell on her even though my mental health counselor told me that it is the same thing as eating poison…I still do it. I need to stop myself from doing this!

I am a marathon runner, so getting out to exercise by running helps a lot. I recommend physical activity for anyone who is stuck like that.

Also, spending time with my family has been great. I never saw much of them (parents, brothers, sister, neice, nephew) while I was with my ex-girlfriend but now I see them every day.

Most of all, more time spent with my son. I have realized that he is everything, he is 8 years old, and I should have been focusing more on him anyway.

For people who may not have children or family…there are always friends. I spent much time talking with my friends. I never could when with my ex-girlfriend because she was so jealous, especially of women. It helps a lot to know that you have friends you can count on out there.

Getting in to see a counselor has helped so much! I make two vists every week, for the past four weeks. I could not have done as well as I have without the assistance and guidance of my counselor. Even though it still feels at times that I am falling apart, I do know that I am getting stronger and stronger, letting go of her every day more and more.

It is tough because we lived together. I immediately got a great new apartment. Also, I spend much time focusing on my spirituality, which I had neglected because she is not spiritual at all. That has helped so much too.

What has helped the most, however, is no contact at all with her. She tried calling me 10 days in, but I just hung up. She took to contacting my friends, crying, saying that she still feels for me, etc etc. It was wise for me not to fall into the trap of responding to her. Because what happened was 100% her fault and she is feeling very guilty. I am told that she looks terrible. Drinking, smoking, unkempt appearance, etc.

She also has contacted my mother. But my mother knows what she did to me, and wants nothing at all to do with her. My mother was not rude or disrespectful to her, but she did not take her up on her offer to go out for coffee. Thanks mom!

I still love her though, and always will. I have been in several “heavy” relationships including a marriage in my life. I would have to say that I had never loved anyone as much as I had loved this woman. We were going to be married. But it was just all wrong in many ways.

At the start of the 30 days, I felt very confused. I really hated her for what she did. It had nothing to do with cheating. Let’s just say that she betrayed me to such an extent that I can never trust her ever again. Let’s just say that she is a dangerous person and wants to hurt me.

I felt very bitter at the beginning, but it was confusing because at the same time I knew that I loved her still and would have taken her back at any second…then I realized that she is not the type of person who necessarily knows what love is. I was equally to blame though, because I did everything for her and constantly looked to her to fulfill my sense of identity. We basically were doing the same things to each other; choking each other out…it was not healthy.

Around the third week (last week), I could start to feel things shifting a little. I began to be able to stop thinking about her so much. I cannot lie and say that I was able to stop thinking about her altogether…I still do so very much. I still love her! But the world did shift last week. I could sense something in me change, like I knew it is only a matter of time before I will be able to heal and move on.

I still love her so much. I loved the good times that we shared together. But we were wrong from the very beginning. She has a lot of past issues that she could not avoid bringing into our relationship. But I cannot blame her fully, as I have stated. I should have been smart enough to not only realize this early on (which I DID, but did nothing about it), but I also should have made the decision to break up with her at that early stage.

The sexual relationship was one of the things that made us so great together. It was the most intense and powerful I have ever had. I still find myself thinking sometimes that I will never find anyone who wants to share time, to love me, to be with me, to live with me, to share life with me, as much as this woman wanted (wants?) to. It is so difficult to stop looping into those thoughts once they start. Because it is true: I have never in my life met anyone who loved me and wanted to be with me so much.

But was it really love from her? She was insanely jealous…to the point of violence. I never did anything to indicate that I was remotely interested in anyone else though. I always told her that she would be the only person for me, that she fulfilled my every need and desire and that I would love her forever and into our old age days. This was never enough for her though.

I am not sure if she really understands love. Love to me, is something that you cherish and protect, and nurture and want to make sure is safe so that nothing bad will ever happen to it. I cannot see how abuse and violence fits in with any of that.

From what I have heard from my friends and my mother, she is thinking of getting back with me. She had to leave town 10 days ago, I guess living in our old place was getting to her. She did tell my friends that she hates it in there and wants to move out. I don’t know when she is going to come back to town. It is very good that she is gone. Hopefully she is doing some healing of her own. She never has, to my knowledge. If she comes back and still tries to contact me, she will still discover that we are in two very different places: I am moving on, and she is still stuck in the unhealthy place.

I do not want to sound resentful towards her. But the fact is, she did things that she knows are her own fault. She has been feeling guilt and remorse as a result. She knows that she was wrong. She knows what she did. I have never felt so betrayed or hurt. How can I ever take her back? To do so would be ridiculous. It would be like eating poison again.

I hate smokers and smoking…my counselor compared my feelings for her to smoking. An addiction. I am addicted to loving her even though I know that it is poison and can kill me, just like smoking can. I should be quitting her, just as I quit smoking 10 years ago.

People, you can and will move on! Even though you cry and think and loop in your mind…and think that this person was the only one, “the one,” your soul mate, you cannot stop thinking about the good times with them, you minimize the bad times and think that you can get back together and get around them, etc etc. Dangerous thinking for your mind. Don’t do it!

I am very bad for looping like that. In the past 30 days, I had to gradually wean myself off of that kind of thinking. I still do it though. I drive around town and still see her vehicle, but of course it is not hers…same make and model though. I still smell her, see her, taste her, hear her voice…bad thinking! I even still look at all of the pictures that I took of her on my camera phone once in a while. Bad!

But I am getting more and more control over these bouts of grief and despair and heartbreak. It has taken so long though. 30 days! I can’t wait to see how I am after another 30 days.

This person has touched my life in ways that it seems nobody else ever will be able to. That is how it feels. It is hard to move on. She is still living in my mind. I still love her and it feels as if I always will. Maybe I will. But we were wrong for each other. Miss Right will come along one day.

Kidron Reddy

ABsolutely true Bro, been there as well its a year now after 9yrs and a 3 yr old

where is my strength?

I’ve been reading everyones posts and let me tell you i understand what everyone is feeling. I have had numerous opinions about my situation and its not like any of yours from what i was reading. So here is goes…

I have been in some stupid relationships and some that were so bad i thought i’d never make it through with the abuse and cheating. I am 27 and my exboyfriend is 36. We both worked at the same police department as patrol officers(i know dont date anyone you work with, i don’t listen). We worked together for 2 1/2 years without talking to eachother because we worked opposite shifts. When we finally did talk it was because he was working overtime on my shift. He was still married when he began to tell me about his broken heart and how he was treated in the 1 year marriage with her. We talked about all the things we both wanted in life. He has two children from a previous marriage. His recent wife hated his children, that bothered me a lot. Well he filed for divorce and we began to date. We met eachothers families, i met his children everything seemed perfect until he called me one day telling me he recieved an email from her and hewas havign second thoughts about the divorce. I fell apart, i couldn’t believe it. So i pushed through all the pain and hurt, daying i understood. The truth is i didn’t understand. He was so unhappy but is going back? Well 8 days passed and of the 8th day i recieved a phone call from him upset and crying that he hurt me and he wanted to make things work. Well i thought about it and realized we all make mistakes and if it took him going back to realize why he left in the first place, well i was willign to try one more time. So a month went by Christmas new Years spending time with eachothers families. (everyone at work was happy we were together, they saw both of us finally happy). Well i made a pistake by constantly bring up him leaving me again and it caused friction between us a lot because i was feeling a little insecure with questions about us. Well he assured me he wasnt goign anywhere. We began to look at houses and he even told his children we were goign to get a house. His children and i get along great. The week before my birthday he was distant and not acting himself. 2 days before my bday he called me and told me he cant do this anymore and he still loves his wife and he needs to try one more time with her because the feelings just won’t go away. I was pissed, hurt and confused. I tried to back off but i had so many questions about WHY. She had a boyfriend livign at a house he was paying for, he moved out when he filed. He said he wasn’t movign back in and wasn’t bringing his children around her until he saw she changed. She has cheated, hit him and made fun of him for having cancer. I stood by him as a bandaid i suppose. Being mad i ahve realized doesn’t stop the pain.

So here i am 5 days without contact and i have my days where i swear im fed up and done, then the days like today nothing seems to make me see the light. My friends even co-workers tell me i deserve better but wait, i dont’ want anyone else. I want to make it work with this man who has a piece of my heart.

I am currently seeing a therapist because in the same month he went back to her, i was laid off. The only good thing is i don’t have to see him.

I guess im writing this to vent and maybe a little advice. I am sure i’ve heard it all from friend but maybe an outside unbiased opinion might help.

I miss him a lot and would like to make things work one day but what if those “feelings” come back again? His court date is in 2 1/2 weeks. We were together for 4 months. Not long but hey when ya click, ya click.

Thanks for reading…

Best of wishes to you all!
Sunshine_kassy09

About 4 days ago,
I got my heart broken
shattered,
torn too pieces !
i cant get him outta my mind,
he always told me he loved me,
then 2 days after the break up, he had a new girlfriend ALREADY !
tell me how that works ?
it doesn’t,
Ive tried everything too get him back, but he just doesnt care anymore,
i cry everyday because of him,
i cant go too school knowing I’ll cry during classes,
its soo hard for me,
and no one is there for me,
xbz

He originally left the country for a 6 months internship. I was so excited for him. Planning to come back at the end. After knowing he wanted to stay there for work, I applied for the same city. He was the best boyfriend, I thought I had everything I ever wanted in my arms. Everything was great for the first 3, talking about the jobs, what we would do in the futre, before I realized what was happening, he called less and less. I got a job offer in that city at Christmas. He stopped calling. Knowing that you shouldn’t force a relationship on, but stupidly, I had to know why and what happened. I though I needed that big stamp of decline to move on. He said he’s sorry, but he has changed. That was the last I’ve heard. He left everything. 4 years. Years of majoring in Psychology went straight out the window. I feel lost. I feel hurt. But I’m waiting for the day I can look back onto this post, no more tears, smiling, encouraging others becuase my heart has healed.

http://lovesagame.com/ Eddie Corbano

Hi,

I’m so sorry to hear that, my heart goes out to you.

Hang in there, if you think that you can go on just post here.

Eddie

Kidron Reddy

Hwzit buddy

Kidron Southern africa age 31 have a 3 yr old was in a relationship for 9yrs before she had an affair. it gets better keep in contact kidronr@worgroup.co.za
Greg R

I guess I was doomed from the beginning. We both were in the initial stages of divorce and we found comfort and strength in each other. I never worked on the reasons I stood so long in the marriage and never really got past my self defeating characteristics. I guess the same stood for in her divorce.
There were many red flags that I chose to deny or minimize in her history. Particularly that she went from relationship to relationship. I was okay as long as I HAD HER. She broke up with a boyfriend after she met me.
We were together for 7 years and had 4 breakups during that run. Each lasted about 2-3 weeks, but she always came back. During one of the breakups she hooked up on eHarmony and told the guy she loved him after 3 weeks. I let it go because the guy was out of state. This last and final breakup is torturous because she announced that she decided to date and move on (via text message). That coming from a 43 year old woman.
As I look back, I see signs that it was really over a couple of years ago. I bought an engagement ring but never gave it to her because my gut told me that I couldn’t marry her. The incident In particular was when we had an argument and she put her hands around my neck and choked me. I forgave her and minimized it by saying you really didn’t mean to hurt me, you were just frustrated.
My divorce cost me plenty and honestly I also knew that the road to financial recovery was going to be a long one. I expected that she could hang with me on this. Obviously she couldn’t. She did email me a couple of months before the break up to tell me she could no longer rely on me financially.
This is where my frustration and sadness lie. Was that what it was all about? Was I okay when I wasn’t so financially strapped?
I gave her plenty when things were good. So she lands the big job, her daughter inherits a nice chunk after her father dies, and wham! She has financial security!
She truly is a person who has some great qualities but I was so busy with the notion of being loved by her that I lost sight of who I was. Yes, I have relied on her to keep me happy because I was truly in love with her at my own expense. I would do whatever I could, just to keep her happy. I was willing to live with her bipolar condition (that she blamed me for), her rage, her financial shortcomings, her changing direction day in and day out (drove me mad but I would agree). I was willing to take it all on really knowing it was overwhelming and that it was a ton of stuff that couldn’t be handled in a lifetime.
Here is the crazy part. I feel so bad that I couldn’t so I lost her.
Chey0411

3 years with my, now, ex boyfriend. And, he broke it off yesterday by telling me that it is, indeed, my fault that other guys like me. And, I’m not worth fighting for.