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Healing a broken heart from a lost love seems to be the most challenging venture one could imagine. A break up usually starts with a phase of paralyzing shock then turns into helplessness and deep grief. It appears impossible to ever be happy again. Wouldn’t it be good if there was a secret how to get over a break up?
What if I told you that a break up or divorce is also a very good chance? Your opportunity? Look into the abyss and see who you really are! Do you believe in this?
Well, I for one, I believe. Because it happened to me and I experienced it myself.
“You don’t know what love is
Until you’ve learned the meaning of the blues
Until you’ve loved a love you’ve had to lose
You don’t know what love is”–Chet Baker
My own break up in 1998 was on the one hand the most terrible and painful incident that ever happened to me, again on the other hand, the very best that happened to me. Sounds pretty paradoxical, huh?
For now, I would like to ask you just to take my word for it and read on, you will understand.
The secret how to heal a broken heart didn’t come to me just like that, nor have I read about it in a book or the like. As I have written on my about-me-page, I’ve had a break up coach. Not a professional one. It was a very distant relative, who apparently called me out of the blue (today I know that it was no coincident at all). He then introduced me to the two main concepts on how to heal a broken heart.
He by himself has had a terrible divorce before and some other terrible things additionally. The measures he took, the thinking he developed literally saved his life.
Isn’t it strange that each and everyone of us has had or will have a certain point in his life where he finds himself standing at a crossroad? Ok, maybe not that strange, that’s how life works. Interesting though is why some take the way to the right and some to the left. Some recover very quickly from their break up or divorce and have grown with that experience, others take many many years to recover and after that they are not the person they used to be (in a negative way).
At the time when I met him, I have had six terrible months behind me, full of self pity, tortuous pain, loneliness and infinite grief. I was past the first painful phases of a break up, but yet not ready to move on, to make the vital step towards healing.
At first I didn’t want to meet him, I didn’t want to meet anybody. But he insisted. This was my chance.
We’ve met in a coffeehouse. I’ll never forget that. He had heard what happened to me from other people and after some chitchat the first question he asked me literally blew me away.
He asked me: “Why do you think that SHE is responsible for your happiness?”
And this was it. So simple.
In my eyes it was her I needed so badly in my life to be happy, to feel valuable. I held on to her to have a purpose, a meaning. I wasn’t happy on my own. It was she who made me going on, enduring myself. I absolutely didn’t love myself.
Of course I couldn’t think rationally at that time. But it was him who did the thinking for me.
He then explained his concept on how to get over a break up, how to lead a happy and fulfilling life and how to develop a stable personality. Healing a broken heart was just a side effect of his concept.
Extreme suffering during a break up is always a sign that your mindset towards life and your own person is not correct.
The main two pillars of a stable personality and therefore the main premises for a happy life, so he told me, are:
1. Complete and unconditionally self-love
2. The very personal purpose in life
Wow, that made an impression on me.
Does this make sense to you? It took me some time to get it.
Only if you love yourself completely and unconditionally, and this means to accept the way you are, your weaknesses and strengths, you can also love others. If not, everything you do is looking for approval in others. You will be looking for their light, instead of using yours.
There are quite a few methods to work on self love. Some have been discussed here and some will be discussed in future articles. They all have in common that you must take a closer look into yourself and accept what you see. Finding your inner child and affirmations are very good ways to increase your self love.
The second very important secret is to find your purpose in life and pursue it with all your heart.
What’s your purpose in life? Well, that’s the tricky part. I can’t help you much with that, that is something you have to figure out by yourself. I can only give you some tips on how to find it. There are some good books on that matter.
Deepak Chopra wrote in his book The Seven Spiritual Laws Of Success
When you combine your life purpose with service to humanity, then you make full use of the Law of Dharma.
I second that.
Find something you love and are passionate about, try to help other people with your talent and then simply be the best in it! There is no greater fulfillment than finding your life purpose and serving others.
Then you will not only have your blueprint for a happy life, you will eventually notice that you have gotten over your break up or divorce on the way:
If you are suffering from a break up or divorce right now, I sincerely wish you that you will find your path and come to a higher understanding of your true Self. Only then you will be ready to find the partner you deserve.
This is a small but vital fraction of the healing process. There are more things to consider especially in the first phases directly after a break up or divorce. Watch out for further articles on how to get over a break up on this site.
Your friend,
Eddie Corbano
Photograph is a courtesy of Jennifer Krug
20 responses so far ↓
1 Anne Low // Aug 2, 2007 at 7:10 pm
I sort of agree with what was said here, but I’m asking a question here: how come it’s also very difficult to get over a seperation when you are the one who ends the relationship?
2 Recanter // Aug 5, 2007 at 6:49 pm
I think I agree, but I’m just trying to digest all the info that’s been presented here. It’s really scientific the way it’s been set out but I can really feel some method and logic here.
The first break up I had really left a gaping hole in my life. It’s a shame they didn’t have internet back then heheh
Best wishes and thanks!
Recanter
http://www.foundahost.com
3 Eddie Corbano // Aug 10, 2007 at 8:20 am
@ Anne
Very good question! I’ve been on both sides, so I also know how bad it can be to be the one who’s leaving.
That lies at my heart, so I will cover that topic in an article soon. Stay tuned.
@ Recanter
It was my intent to make a theoretical approach first, before I present some practical methods.
4 Aleksandroz // Nov 5, 2007 at 11:31 pm
Hi, Eddie Corbano
I run to your site, seeking an advice how to deal with break up.
I once red that some man said: “You can’t imagine how your life can change if you change your standpoint”.
“You alone are responsible for your happiness” – is very good example.
5 Karen // Nov 14, 2007 at 2:59 am
Thank you so much for this article
It made me feel so much better you truly are an amazing person <3
6 Paul // Dec 17, 2007 at 1:32 am
I completely agree with your article, Even though some people say that you are destined to be where you are, but I sort of disagree with this statement, because we are the drivers of our lives, no women or men can change that, if you choose to be happy - you will be.
7 Kelly // Jan 16, 2008 at 11:15 am
Thank you so much for this article this really makes me think differently about everything! I’m learning to love myself again and getting through a break up too, trying my hardest!
8 Eddie Corbano // Jan 17, 2008 at 1:58 pm
Thank you guys for your kind words, I really appreciate them.
All the best for you,
Eddie
9 bob // Jan 28, 2008 at 7:02 am
who can come up with the best definition of love?
10 Niloy // Jan 29, 2008 at 8:10 pm
@ Eddie Corbano
A hearty thanks to you Mr. Eddie Corbano.
I contemplated suicide after my break up.
My mom somehow managed me to survive, though her soothing words were not enough for me.
IT’s through your wonderful article I’m getting some potential to move on in LIFE.
Once again a hearty thanks to you Eddie from bottom of my heart.
Now, I removed the thought of attempting suicide again.
11 Eddie Corbano // Feb 2, 2008 at 10:47 am
Dear Niloy,
I’m so happy that my article helped you and prevented you from that terrible thoughts.
You know, years after a break up, when we’ve maybe found the “right one” or we have really learned to live and enjoy our lives, we realize that such thoughts are terribly wrong.
There is a purpose in a break up or divorce, it’s to learn, to get stronger and to live a better life.
You’ve made the first step.
Take care and if you struggle again, shoot me a mail.
Eddie
12 Liss // Feb 19, 2008 at 9:34 am
I did the same thing you did after hearing the two pillars of of a stable personality and therefore the main premises for a happy life,
I went, “WOW!”.
If we fully accept WHO we are we will realize that our worth is based not upon failures of not having met the standards of others (we are so human and each of us is well aware of our limitations) but that all in all, we have something of value to offer (ourselves and others). If another rejects us because of some percieved imperfection, it really isn’t the end of the world. Just the end of something that wasn’t working out in the best interest of all parties involved. I’m not making light of anyone’s pain. I am currently going through a seperation as we speak, but it helps to put the truth into persepctive.
And I agree. If we have a quest, a purpose in life, we take our attention off of us and our joy is made complete because we are giving life to something and that in and of itself breathes back life into our souls.
13 Joseph // Feb 27, 2008 at 12:36 am
thank you kind sir. i just lost my soul mate 2 days ago and I haven’t stopped crying since. I feel like I lost my heart. I was ignoring the self growth and wisdom I have learned, and reading your article brought me back to my special place. God bless you and thank you so much. I thank God for finding this article. I was crashing very very very hard.. this has picked me up, thank you thank you thank you.
14 Eddie Corbano // Mar 3, 2008 at 7:43 am
Hey Joseph,
I’m very happy that my article helped you. Just never lose faith and hope, there is still a long way to go, but you can make it. You are not alone!
15 Andrew // Mar 8, 2008 at 2:59 am
I feel stupid at myself at times when I still wish for my could’ve been ex. (Imagine that!) Some attachment I got from this person has been hard to get rid of. As you said, it is just a symptom for my lack of self-love and life purpose. Thanks for the enlightenment. Thanks for getting me back on my path and making it crystal clear.
16 Tarun // Mar 28, 2008 at 6:33 am
I had a break up,certainly didnt approve me,she said dunno wat al thngs to get away…bt m stil confusd,i knw i cn get her bk,my way ofcourse.dis delirium isnt lettin me heal ma heart nd muv on,i dnt find a reasn 2 cntinue datin her coz it appears ours wuld be a difficult to sustain example like bfr.me a cancer,she a gemini.
Bt m nt lettin ma heart get her off….
Atleast m tryin best to cncentrate on ma work…nd seekin other thngs to divert maself,be it i find ne interest or nt…maybe d article helps me..thanks.
17 denise // Mar 29, 2008 at 6:36 am
hey thnx alot hope this works
18 Ashu // Apr 11, 2008 at 2:33 am
Hi,
I just came out of a 5 yr serious relationship today and I don’t quite know where what went wrong. All she has to say is the classic “It’s not you, it’s me” routine. I still can’t help but feel It can’t just be all her and nothing from me; and of course the feeling of could I have done anything to prevent it or can I still save it (considering it happened today). If I was to summarize the feeling, I would say that it feels like the person I knew, loved, cherished, adored and wanted to be with in life is dead and the person I was and knew about is also dead. That’s a lot of metaphorical deaths to handle at one shot! At this stage, it is too early to start the process of what is written in your article and to agree to everything but I have no doubt that there is sheer wisdom in this article and ultimately, after running around in circles, I will have to come back over and over again until I feel cleansed. I am still trying to figure out what my purpose in life is and It feels like i’ll be 50 before I figure out what that is. If you have any suggestions on that as i’m 24 right now, I would appreciate that. Thanks to you and to everyone who’s loved n lost, if u’ve come out knowing that you and you alone control your happiness then you have unlocked the portal to a more enriched and fulfilled life.
19 Mina // Apr 30, 2008 at 8:41 pm
Hi Eddie,
Thank you so much for the article. One month ago I just came out from a 2 and half years relationship and I was devastated. This is the first time in my life to have a broken heart, I lost all my direction in life and I can only cry and cry. I have been searching around the internet to look for article that inspires me and to help me to heal my broken heart, because I really don’t know what to do, and how to handle a broken heart. On your article when your distant relative said “Why do you think that SHE is responsible for your happiness?” All the sudden that shock me. Yes, why is he responsible for my happiness anyway??
My heart still hurts, but I will overcome it. I know I will be better and better everyday. If you don’t say goodbye to the “wrong” how can you find the “right”? I don’t know how much longer this will take me to overcome and finally moved on, but I will keep reading article like this and support me spiritually. This is the first time I have a broken heart, and I hope this is the last.
20 Daniel // May 7, 2008 at 5:33 am
Its been two months since my break up from a 6 year relationship. Its been a roller coaster ride of emotions, through the classic, denial, lonelyness and hate and then turning it all back in on myself and repeating it many times over. I just wish it would stop so much so I think oblivion would be better. I knew my self worth/esteem was low to have hung on so long to a girl that didnt return my love but now I no for sure its one of the problems , so now I can fix it. Im on the mend, good luck everyone, its not the end its the beginning.
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