In my work with people who go through a break-up or divorce, there is one question which is almost always asked first.
How long will it take to get over it? Or how long will the pain last?
Even I asked this question many years ago.
I waited one and a half years for that answer to come.
It wasn’t until then that I realized what the final chapter in getting over a break up was.
I know how it feels.
Sometimes it seems so unbearable that you cannot imagine your life ever to be happy again.
I will tell you something that you already feel is true inside of you, but your analytic mind doesn't allow you to acknowledge:
You will be happy again.
And if you take this challenge, you will be much stronger than you were before.
I've been there.
You must look at this terrible experience as an opportunity, only then will you have the right mindset to grow from it.
I know that it is tough to get into that state, and it may take you some time. But when you understand, the healing will begin.
Unfortunately, many do not look at this the way I do.
They try to get their Exes back or jump into another relationship right away.
They would do anything to stop the pain. Isn't this understandable?
Don't try to get your Ex back
Sure, this may help for some time, but eventually, everything will fall apart again with much harder intensity.
Because the problem is buried deep inside, and it will not go away if you mask it or ignore it.
Why do many people betray themselves from the chance to learn and grow from this devastating experience?
The answer is, of course, because it costs them too much.
It's too expensive, too damn hard and it is just too alluring to take the easy way.
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing, end them.
—Shakespeare's Hamlet
So, what is the final chapter of getting over a breakup?
When you heal from a relationship break up, you have to go through the following seven phases:
- Shock: Realizing what really happened
- Denial: You won't accept the breakup
- Madness: You try everything to get things back to “normal”
- Emotional Roller Coaster: You have to face the pain and all the negative emotions
- Acceptance: You accept that your partner is gone, and he/she won't come back
- Conscious Disengagement: You consciously let them go
- Moving On Phase: You move on and open up to other people
Everyone has to go through these steps.
The two secrets on how to get over a break up give only some additional help.
There is no healing without going through these steps.
The last chapter of the healing process, therefore, appears to be to prepare and actually step into a new relationship.
But if you want to do this the right way, there is yet another step before that.
One of the greatest problems you must deal with before you can really open up to other relationships is your attitude towards your Ex.
It happens very often that you idealize your Ex, remembering only the positive aspects of your former relationship, while completely dismissing the negative ones.
You have put your Ex on a pedestal
This can cause a whole lot of damage in your upcoming new life.
What you have to do is to kick your Ex from that pedestal.
To do so, you have to face him/her again.
I know this is a big one, but it is very necessary.
This is the only way to set the image right again, and only when you pass this last test, will you know that you are over him/her.
This is the last chapter in getting over a breakup.
(MORE: How I Finally Let Go Of My Ex – The Last Step)
I am well aware that this is difficult, and to a certain degree, a risk.
If you do this too early, for instance in phase 2, this may throw you even deeper into depression.
The final test
Take this as the final test to see if you are ready to move on.
How long will it take for you to reach this level?
It depends on your ability to accept and let go.
I've seen it happen after six months, then again it may take up to three years.
The deepness of your relationship is also a decisive factor.
But please, don't look at this in terms of time.
It takes as long as it takes for you to heal into a new person. It's a path you consciously have to choose.
I'm here to help you along this path.
All the best,
Eddie Corbano
Hey guys, I just want to share my success story with this ‘No contact rule”. I was with my girlfriend for 3.5 years and we were almost ready to settle down. Long story short, we broke up and I broke so many rules, trying to desperately get her back, trying to stay as friends and got jealous over everything. I followed this no contact rule for 4 months and I have to say, it is very hard. But, I saw her for the first time today and I had no feelings at all for her. I didn’t view her as a potential girlfriend and seeing her did not remind me of passed memories we had together. It was as if I saw her with a blank slate; she was just another face in the crowd. Guys, this has got to be on the top 10 list of the best feelings in the world. You have to get out there, live your life, help others and make others happy; do not live in the past and move on, become a stronger version of yourself. Once you get over the attachment, you will feel as if you are freed from chains.
Thanks Eddie.
Hey Eddie,
I’m currently a little confused about the state I’m in. I seem to be in all but the last one.
I accept that she’s gone but deep down a little part of me wants her to come back. She was a wonderful woman and I loved her company. I still think she’s a wonderful person. Of course I’d love her to come back! That doesn’t necessarily mean I think she will though. Because I don’t. She’s been too distant and enjoying single life too much for that to be the case methinks! Such is the nature of youth.
Secondly, the depression phases has turned into…well, melancholy I guess. I’m not distraught, hating my life or hopeless anymore. With the realisation that she wasn’t coming back, I suddenly became much more in control of my sadness. Having said that, when I think about all the good times we had together and all the things I COULD have done, I do get sad about it. Regretful I suppose. But that makes sense, right? So does this really count as depression? Or is it a normal reaction to remembering a relationship?
Thirdly, the independence thing is coming, but I still prefer the company and attention of others, especially women. I talk to a lot of women online (women I know in person, not randomers).This isn’t because I want to form any sort of relationship with them or make something of it – so I’m not at Step 4 yet. I just want to talk to women because there’s a little something I miss about being in a female’s “spotlight” (a 10 minute conversation with my best female friend works wonders usually). Being around family and other friends is also extremely helpful. The best medicine.
So you see, I kind of get the feeling I’m spread across three of the first stages. I also am a bit jealous, which is odd because I wasn’t particularly jealous IN the relationship. But now I don’t have her, the thought of her being with someone else (physically and emotionally) is KILLING me. Is jealousy a sub-component of any of the above stages?
Sorry it’s such a long comment.
Best wishes,
Not-So-Lucky Luke
I broke up with my ex 9 years ago now as I had undiagnosed Asperger’s and couldn’t understand my relationship problems. I saw my ex four years ago with the hope of ‘moving on’ & I was left utterly devastated & terminally depressed. I’m still not over her now, & I doubt I ever will. She married and moved-on with the next bloke she met as if I never existed. My life is a total failure. I’m in my forties; Unemployed; no friends. I sit alone. I wait for death. If I’d known life would have been this awful…
It hurts so much when it feels like they’ve forgotten about you. No one forgets though matey. Even my EX-EX thinks about me sometimes. I know through a mutual friend. She always asks how I’m doing, and we broke up on seriously awful terms. I still think about her too. So don’t ever sell yourself short.
My recent ex also still thinks about me – her Twitter is a dead giveaway because she mirrors my activity. Whenever I tweet a lot, she all of a sudden becomes interested in tweeting a lot. When I stop, she stops. If I change my picture on Twitter (which I only do very occasionally), all of a sudden she changes it. I don’t know if she’s subconsciously or intentionally trying to get my attention. It doesn’t matter though. I don’t see it as stalkerish behaviour because I also tend to keep an eye on her Twitter more than I should (ARGH, I need to stop that).
But it made me think, do we ever truly forget about the people we once cared about? We have busy, busy minds and everyone eventually has an old memory of a lost love or a dead relative or times long past. And there is always that pang of nostalgia and maybe a little sadness that goes with it.
Maybe you really ARE over this woman and just don’t realise it because you’re at home without friends or a job. Go hand some resumés out. I realise this possibly might be harder for you with Aspergers, but I have an acquaintance with Aspergers and he is perfectly capable of work and friendships. He loves his time alone, I’ll admit. But he is a very nice guy, and I’m sure you are too. I know you are different people with probably differing degrees of Aspegers. But think about it, you were in a relationship once! So you must have some likeable traits! Remember that! Go out there and convince the world that you are worth something and that you still believe this! The job will keep you busy and you may even make friends on the job. Build that confidence. You still have time. Lots of it.
 Tejas,
I feel your pain, I truely do. I work with my ex and seeing her everyday is SHEER HELL. She has no problem laughing and carrying on like we didnt even ever happen. She moved out of my home suddenly, a few days after Thanksgiving and though my birthday was two weeks ago, she didnt say a word. That is after I went WAY out of my way to make her birthday a special one. Leave your email if you want/need someone to talk to. Though I dont have good advice on how to handle it, I find that reading stories here helps.
@6739f26b5ba8490a48a6555121ef7a01:disqus : Bro, i can understand what u are feeling. I guess most of the men been through it…thats why i have decided not to date anyone in same class/office… the only thing u can do is be strong and try to be normal. Dont get into depression mode when u see here. Try putting on that fake smile and fake happiness. Dont let her win over u and…Even she thinks u dont exist, she may have eye on you. Best way to fight back is to be happy..i know its hard. But be a man, try having fun and keep saying urself ‘u are fine’..because at sometime ur brain starts accepting it. and u will move on. I know how it feels at this moment. But after few days u will just sit and laugh about it for wasting ur precious student life. I have been through hell of a times dude..so dont give much importance to all these things..buzz me back if u are still wanna talk..we all are here for u..remember  : “cry for cuts and stiches, not for bastards and bitches”
regards
berny..
Sophie help me understand this, you chose to leave him because he loved you TOO MUCH?! I ask because i feel i have been the victim of similar circumstances.
Do you have any advice for dealing with an ex-girlfriend in the same class who pretends i don`t even exist while i`m drowning in misery every second? I have to see her everyday for the next year before college finally ends and i can get far away from her.
My ex and I have broke up more times than I care to admit, I am the one that usually leaves recently  we decided to move back in together as I packed up my things to move back in she picked a fight with me, and told me to stay in my apartment, I am just wanting to move on with my life because this relationship is an unhappy and unstable one but what happens is I don’t seem to get all the way through the grief process and cave in and go back of which is usually worse, and I am always regretful of going back. I just want to move on with my life but over a period of time it becomes very painful and like I said I cave in and go back.
You’re welcome, glad I could help!
these articles are amazing and after feeling awful i feel so much better now. thank you.
I can’t believe I found this site. Sort of an on-line support group! My story is short. My huband died in 1995 at the age of 35 leaving me with a 3 year old and a 16 month old. I didn’t date anyone until 2005, married him in 2006, divorced in 2007. He ruined my life, destroyed me financially. Now I can barely make ends meet as he took me for all my savings and my farm. It was 3 years before I tried going on a date….and he certainly wasn’t the match for me. A year later, was contacted by someone. Started with emails, led to phone conversations, talked twice a day, got along great! And yesterday, he decides we live too far apart to continue the relationship…It’s about an hours drive and yet both of us own our own business and don’t have to worry about kids.
Quite frankly, I am disillunsioned and tired of rejection. It just doesn’t seem to get any easier. I think it is the “starting over again” that I am tired of. It’s really really hard to see the positives in myself. Or to be confident at all. It’s like someone has knocked the wind out of my sails and I sit in limbo again.
What I really want to do is just go and talk face to face with this man (we ended it over the phone!) and discuss the “distance” issue. But I know this would be wrong. Why can’t I just accept this and let it go? Why do I keep thinking about this when he has told me how he feels. He says it isn’t about me, it is about the distance. Why do I feel the need to discuss this with him further?? Why can’t I just give it up? How do I just give up this feeling that I need to talk about this still with him?
Agggghhhhhh!! I feel frozen in time again!
Facing the Ex means seeing them, talking to them.
But Careful! This is the very last step in breakup recovery, do this when you are essentially over your Ex, but feel incapable of making the very last step because of over-idealizing your Ex.
This can help you to realize that you are already over them, all that held you back was in your head alone.
Again careful! Do this too early and you will crush and burn.
Hey Ms. Florida- Call a friend or relative. You have a lot on your plate. If your son says you are beautiful you must be! What happened? Tell us your story. It will help.
Does anybody know when the crying actually stops? I haven’t come out of the shock of it after four weeks and can’t get her out of my head, and have no energy to do anything but sit still and gaze into space and cry. I am terrified that there is no end to this awful situation and I feel like I would rather not exist than feel this pain.
I’m so sorry to hear how hard you are finding it. I know exactly where you’re coming from, I was there 11 weeks ago. You’ve taken the first big step finding this website. The best place to start might be reading all of the articles. The one that really clicked with me is the one about ‘why a break up might be the best thing to ever happen to you’. Basically, it is asking you the question why you think that you need your ex to be happy, and telling you that you don’t, and true happiness lies only within yourself.
This is a huge, difficult, rocky and sad journey. But you will be ok. You will survive. You’ve got to view it as an opportunity to change your life now for the better. This site is a life saver, read everything, all the comments as well, post regularly, and in real life, use your friends and family if you can.
Good luck x
Thank you. It is a relief to hear that others have been there and are somehow getting through. I have read practically everything there is to read on this website and practising the no contact rule. Mine was a partnership of 27 years and I never thought for one minute that this would happen. Its just dismal: the crying, the hollowness, the endless thinking of her, the imagining of them together, the inability to function normally, no eating. Can’t even contemplate how my own life might be changed for the better. I guess its true, but impossible to see at this juncture. Thanks so much for the suppor.
For me it actually took about a month. First week or two was bad. I almost quit my job and I had been driven out of my apartment close to my family and I was in horrid debt. I lost alot but I gained so much more. Now I know what never to do again. I dated a sociopath or close go it.. It’s been over a year. I’m healed about 95%. you’ll never be 100% but don’t you dare let a negative breakup affect you and change you into a bad person for your next one. Or it’s just a cycle you see
ah well, there will always be triggers hon. Its never as simple as 1234, its more like an up and down rollercoaster of emotions. two step forwards, one step back, you’ll get there.
Wow! I almost didn't read this but I'm glad I did. A month ago I broke up with my boyfriend. I felt there were a couple of crucial problems I couldn't resolve with him, and felt I had no choice. But in the weeks since I can honestly say I've never missed anybody so much. All I could think about was how great he really is. Then I read the part about putting him on a pedestal and realized that's what I have done. So I had an idea. Being a list maker, I decided to make a list of why he's right for me and another of why he is wrong for me. To my surprise, the “wrong” list kept growing and growing, far surpassing the “right” list. What a breakthrough! I finally see in black and white, why I made the right decision, and I feel good about it. Just this morning I was crying over this man, and now tonight, I feel hopeful again. What a relief! I'm genuinely shocked at how that one piece of advice, and my list, has given me insight and peace. I'll sleep easier tonight. Thank you so much!!
This is hell, It has been a month since my fiancee walked out on me and left me devestated, I have never been through such a close, emotionally charged break up, I have never been so needy nor dependent on someone…ever, I am still going through shock and panic attacks, i deleted her off facebook and all, been doing well with the whole NC rule, only after failing at it 5 times previously, I beged for her to come back, and all, but she wouldn t hear it, her mind is set that we are too differant, I never cheated or did any wrong play and i am only guilty of being too nice…I thought girls liked that, apprently not.I dont know what to do anymore… i ve been really sad and lonely, nothing interrests me as they once did, im not even career motavated… and the worst is i still hold on to hope , wishing she will come back, my pride is what protects me from makeing a fool out of myself again, I see who the other clowns she talks to are and they dont have much on me, but im still mad because i lost my fiancee…. its embaressing when family memebers and friends ask how she is doing all the time, worst of all everything i have reminds me of her… everything… what can i do! help
My boyfriend and I made the mutual decsion to break up, a week ago today. This Jan. would have been our 6 year anniversary. I pretty much feel like I might die at any moment. Everyday seems to be getting a little better but it still hurts to much to even try to describe in words. How do you tell someone you love them and then turn and walk away? This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do…..
My boyfriend of a year and half broke up yesterday with me because he was moving to another part of England, he calls it his next chapter. We still love each other but he doesnt want a relationship. I am now with my family who have no idea of the pain I am in and I have been so depressed. All my friends have given me advice and tried cheering me up but this just isnt happening. I want this pain to stop………..
what if you are past the first 3 stages n yet still think about them alot? what if you cant completely erase them from your life?? how are you suppossed to manage to life your own life n block that person/their negativity away from you? i broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years about 4 months ago and i was pretty strong b/c i had gotten through the depression, anxiety and was loving my independence. but now i find myself thinking about him & all the good memories all over again. this i holding me back from even trying to make new friends. how can i trust people again & get back to jus being meeee in the “independence stage”?? i know these are alot of questions but i just tried to sum up the confusion & frustration im feeling to get some good advice 🙂
Hi Eddie,
I just want to say how grateful I am for this site and for your advice!! My boyfriend of one year broke up with me two weeks ago, and since then I've been hurting like hell and couldn't understand why. All I was thinking was how I wanted him back, even if I knew perfectly well that I wasn't happy in the relationship and had been considering breaking up myself for a while. Thanks to your advice I am finally beginning to realise that this was panic and fear of being alone, and I can accept that it's over. I also realise why I've constantly been in relationships for the past 8 years, and that I have to take some time to get to know myself again. I know it's going to take a while before I feel completely fine, but your coaching is just great!! Thank you for doing something so important and helping so many people! I wish you all the best.
So this girl was my first everything, my first intense relationship, my first love, my first time, everything. I started to ask her some questions that you shouldn’t ask and I found that she did not love me and was not sure if she ever did; I was naive enough to believe when she told me she will love me no matter what happens between us. She’s moved on to another guy in less than a week and that makes me feel like I was nothing. I told her that having her around wasn't good for me. That we should end all communication, I also told her that I would talk to her on her birthday and if she ever needs me she shouldn’t hesitate to talk to me. I told her I loved her in the end and she didn’t say anything just smiled. She told me all of these sweet things and retracted each one. Saying she moved on and I should too.