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How To Cope With The Finality Of A Breakup

Photo Credit: kevindean

I remember exactly how it felt.

I remember this unbearable notion of finality, this cruel feeling of irrevocableness.

Sometimes it takes a while until we get it, but when we do, the realization hits us like a ton of bricks.  Our partners are gone and they are not coming back.

What we once had is now over.

This feeling of finality is one of the most difficult things to accept when we go through break-up recovery. It is almost solely the reason that the so important transition to the next phase eludes us at the beginning.

You definitely don’t want an “open door”.

But when you look deeper, you will realize that finality is in fact not our enemy, but our friend. More precisely – it is one of the lesser of the many evils that awaits you after a break-up.

When you think about it, you really don’t want anything else other than finality, even when it hurts like hell.

What you definitely do NOT want is the so-called “open door”. And our Exes LOVE to leave one door open.

They do it out of self-interest, inexperience, perverted good intentions and sadly, very often, out of pure disgrace or stupidity.

You perceive an “open door” as a blessing, because it still gives you the nearness that you seek. But in truth it is very often a big road-bump in your recovery.

An open door is, for example, “let’s stay friends!”, or “I still love you but [insert stupid thing]”. Or the classic, “I need time to think”.

MORE: 10 Things You Don’t Want To Hear From Your Ex

Your mindset should always be aligned towards your recovery. What you really should want at this time is to heal and benefit from this break-up. For this, you NEED finality.

For that reason, the best you can hear from your Ex is, “It’s over and we are NEVER getting back together again. I will disappear from your life and you won’t see me again”.

Now, I know how this hurts. Even to think of it. I know that this sounds mean and beyond all cruelness… but it really would be in your best interest for your recovery.

I know that this feels wrong, but just take my word for it and trust me.

Unfortunately, most Exes don’t understand this fact – and when they do, they rarely say the sentence out of the desire to help you. They do it out of anger and resentment.

But no matter what the motives are, you WANT finality. It makes everything easier, especially for the 60 days of No-Contact.

You WANT finality. And if your Ex doesn’t give it to you, you have to create it for yourself.

So how do you do that?

You can start with sending the No-Contact letter to your Ex, as described in my free ebook.

After that, you just stop contacting them it. As simple and as difficult as that.

You don’t call, don’t write, don’t check their Facebook Page, you just stay away from them, as far as you can. (You can get more concrete tips in the free newsletter).

I know that this is a HUGE step. I know it will probably be the most difficult thing you will ever do. But you HAVE to do this for yourself.

Create the finality you need for your recovery.

“The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.” – Lao Tzu

Take this one step and you will reach your goal, even if it’s a thousand miles away.

Your goal is a better YOU, a stronger YOU, a more confident YOU. And this better YOU will find the perfect person to be with.

Believe in that and don’t be afraid of finality. You can do this!

If I could back then, then you can too.

Your friend,
Eddie Corbano

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54 Responses to How To Cope With The Finality Of A Breakup

  1. Heather January 14, 2014 at 2:02 pm #

    This couldn’t have come at a better time. My ex said to me almost tht exactly. He said ” I’m sorry we will never date again…” It hurt like hell but what also pissed me off was that it was him saying that to me when it should have been me saying it to him after what he did to me. I just didn’t have the courage and because I still was sorting out my feelings, I wouldn’t have been able to say that to him and mean it. Our relationship and breakup is a long complicated story, but it’s been almost 10 months since all the shit hit the fan and a year since I’ve seen him and the last thing I’ve been struggling with is the overwhelming feeling of finality. I’m still holding onto something even when there is nothing there at all, if that makes sense. Thank you for this article Eddie because it makes me feel better to know that the finality is okay and most importantly that I’m going to be okay and better off because of it. It’s still a process everyday.

  2. liZa January 14, 2014 at 2:52 pm #

    Hi Eddie,
    OMgosh, this is pefect. I rec’d that exact email from my ex and this was a guy who obviously hated confrontation . It read “stay away from me. I am no longer in your life. You are on your own..etc”. I was literally shocked. It felt like a smack in the face, and yes, it hurt like hell. However, it was exactly what I needed to move forward. Now here is the good news. I knew after receiving that email that my wrath towards him was limitless (my way of trying to keep his attention), and if didn’t let go of the relationship I was never going to move on. A faithful person, I turned to God and my spiritual leaders to help me. I knew forgiveness was my only way out and I was ready to write him a letter of forgiveness. I had a friend whom my ex trusted hand deliver the letter to him. Very soon after I moved into the next phase of healing, which has been a cake walk compared to what I was feeling for the first 11 months. I am now 15 months past the abrupt end to my 6 year marriage starting to embrace my new reality. I have not connected myself to another man, but have dated casually. I say yes to many social gatherings and try to stay busy. I am happier that I was when I was with my ex and can now feel joy that was repressed by some much frustration.

  3. Linda January 14, 2014 at 3:02 pm #

    You are right Eddy. No matter how I wish this was just a dream, but it’s over. It’s the reality. You owe it to yourself to stop dreaming for a false hope (I learnt it in a very hard way). The story has reached its final chapter. Time’s up. Let it go.

    • eddy June 9, 2014 at 10:34 pm #

      i still love you linda, I know I put you through a lot, more then one can take, I know theres no excuses for my actions and I can only learn from my mistakes and never repeat them, didn’t I care and love you bub? why is it so easy for you to let us go down the drain? did we even mean anything? if you said you love me for eternity, then babe why are you giving up? I want to marry you linda and im gonna be there by your side making up for every little wrongs that I done. I love you baby.

      • Williette June 11, 2014 at 1:39 am #

        Thanks for sharing your apology. It is always nice to hear a honest apology even when it may be too late. I wish for the best, and that you find happiness.

  4. Jeannie January 14, 2014 at 3:24 pm #

    After my ex and I broke up at the end of June this past summer, I thought I was broken. I thought I’d never see the light at the end of the dark dismal tunnel.

    What I’ve realized is this. I don’t WANT someone who doesn’t WANT me. Period.

    I live two doors down from him and have to see his new girlfriends vehicle in his driveway all weekend long (he started dating her in August so I know who is the broken one now and it’s not me).

    I am near approaching the stage of utter indifference (the ultimate goal of the broken hearted). The other day, I caught myself thinking – I don’t even remember his cell phone number anymore – mission accomplished.

    To all those recovering from the pain and hurt of a breakup I offer this – someone else will come along who treats you with the respect and love you deserve. NEVER settle for less.

    Eddy – a special thanks to you for helping me keep my head on straight through the nightmare.

  5. Gina January 14, 2014 at 3:42 pm #

    Thank you for the email Eddie. The timing was perfect. I have done nothing but torture myself during my recovery. The finality hit me like a ton of bricks over this past weekend. I’m not sure why or how but something came over me which brighten my inner light. I am beginning to find my happiness and I’m excited about the endless possibilities my future holds for me. I am grateful for your emails. Thank you again and have a great day.

  6. Kit January 14, 2014 at 4:26 pm #

    I’m so grateful for these emails & all the comments others share!…I couldn’t imagine going thru this alone, and know I wouldn’t have made it as far as I have without the guidance, advice & support of the articles & the shared posts!….TY TY!…I’m 6 Months single, 3 Months No Contact!, thanks to Eddie & all of you!

    • K January 14, 2014 at 9:55 pm #

      I just feel ashamed and upset all the time. How could I fall for someone who would hurt me so bad!

      • Brandy January 15, 2014 at 5:53 pm #

        Hi K,

        While it’s important to look at your motivations for being with this person it’s more important that you don’t beat yourself up.

        I also have been tearing myself apart trying to figure out how I could have been with such a terrible narcissistic ugly person & still want them!

        But once you’ve found what your motivation was – you will be aware of it & learn from it- then move on- don’t spend any more time on it then you have to.

        You need to be kind to yourself – because that’s where it all starts treating yourself well & knowing you deserve someone who respects you & treats you well too.

        • K January 15, 2014 at 8:44 pm #

          Thank you for your kind words. My ex cheated on me with a colleague. He works for company pops in and out. But I have to see her everyday. It’s so hard. I was with him for 6 years and everyday I learn something new!

          • K January 15, 2014 at 11:22 pm #

            Has anybody been in a similar situation?

  7. Elizabeth January 14, 2014 at 5:11 pm #

    But what if I wrote that closure email to him and all I get was insults after insults. I could not stand it because he was so full of himself and he was lecturing me to “learn my lesson”. He was sneaky and silent and then abandoned me when I needed him emotionally.

    He was not hurt or remorseful for the pain he caused me when he walked out on me.

    He is pissed because I wised up and made a rational decision NOT to be there for him anymore.

    Yet he threw so much insults at me. I finally called him and told him to stop insulting me but he kept on insulting me via emails until I told him, “I’m happy and I’m glad I’m no longer need to be with you.” Then he replied, “Then let’s leave it there.”

    It’s so obnoxious, after 1.5 months, I still feel the anger in me. I feel the fury inside me.

    Will anyone suggest ideas on how I can help myself release all the anger inside me?

    =(

    • Brandy January 14, 2014 at 7:35 pm #

      Hi Elizabeth!

      I went through something very similar! My ex was also sneaky & after the fact, found out he was telling everyone what was wrong & seeking their guidance instead of telling me. He belittled me on his way out & like you, was not remorseful even after the fact. Heck, I even apologized for my behaviour & he just sat there like I owed it to him & he owed me nothing!

      So, like you I started no contact after that & boy did he get ugly- promising not to contact me ever again, I’d never hear from him…got a couple of texts like that…he was so angry that it was me that gave the final blow- all I did was say definitively the relationship was over & I needed time & space & he was angry & hurt…him- after he chose not to talk to me but just walk out.

      At the time it was the hardest thing & I couldn’t believe things were over even when I sent no contact message but if they can’t be there for you when you need them then what’s the point?

    • Hope January 19, 2014 at 1:26 am #

      Punching the air or pillows til you are exhausted. Worked for me. You do it every time they pop into your mind. It gets less and less as time goes by. Good luck sweetie, you will get there. I am 5 months since breakup and almost there now.

  8. Williette January 14, 2014 at 5:45 pm #

    Eddie,
    Yes the finality of the ex is a must. Even if your ex does not have the courage to do it, you have to do it for yourself. You must clip the cords that keep you connected to your ex. I agree with you Eddie everyhting you say is true. The hurt and the pain of a breakup takes time to recover from. This does not happen overnight! It is like a a death, there is grieiving process we must go through!

  9. ruby January 14, 2014 at 6:35 pm #

    Thank you Eddie, I still feel obligated and loyal to him even after everything he has done to me. He just told me its over and let it go. He blames me for everything but I know deep down its not. I can’t forgive myself for trying to stay with him but you are right, its time to let go and start new. I have my kids with me and he’s out of my life after hurting each other so much. It hurts but it’s time to let go. I promised him that when he made his decision I would disappear from his life. It’s time to keep my promise. Thank you for your emails…

  10. joi January 14, 2014 at 6:36 pm #

    It has been 8 months ago when my ex broke up with me and I thought I wouldn’t survive. From day 5 of the break up, I started the no contact rule. Whenever I was so sad back then all I had to do was cry and pray. I know that prayers were the big factor in my recovery. I tried to find myself and I knew in my heart that I wanted a big change in my life and prayed hard to the Lord. It was around late last year that my prayers were answered and I was offered with a new job with the new company effective Jan. 1, 2014. I would honestly say that this new opportunity has changed me and made me realize that yes I can survive without him, that I am starting to rebuild my self esteem and find peace in my new work place and new job role.

    This is just the beginning of a new Me and taking one day at a time. Whenever I think of my ex I don’t cry anymore, sometimes thoughts of him still makes me sad but I know now in my heart that I do not need him anymore, that thoughts of him couldn’t crash me anymore. I stood up much stronger now and looking forward to a better life without him. I just realized that he never intended to stay anyway because if he really did, he would still be around. Whenever something doesn’t happen the way you plan it, just trust in the Lord because His plans are always perfect.

    • Luis January 15, 2014 at 12:53 am #

      So true….amen

    • K January 15, 2014 at 11:35 pm #

      Joi your post was the light bulb moment for me, I needed to move on! Pray pray and pray x

  11. michelle January 14, 2014 at 9:51 pm #

    Hi Eddie – you have been instrumental in my recovery. Your words echo in my deeply wounded heart and I am slowly on the path to recovery. I think what is challenging for me after a 25yr relationship/marriage ending is that we share young children. The no contact rule has been thought provoking but I now know a much needed reality check. As often I was longing for his voice and news when dealing with kids stuff. It’s still very very hard for me as we share children and you do have to cross paths sometimes but having your newsletter has given me a pathway with which to stay on with those baby steps. I wish there was a section in how to deal with your ex-husband and children. Especially when your children live between two households…Kind regards Mj Australia

  12. Alone January 18, 2014 at 4:14 pm #

    thank you Eddie ……u helped me a lot to reduce my pain……..i dont know i am crying after reading your article….yes i accepted my breakup..i accepted he s gone…when he told me its over… its impossible…i cant marry you….after 6 years of my relationship ..he decided to leav me…….he promised me he will marry me……but he changed suddenly …..when?when i was in extreme bad condition my father died…. i was in very poor financial condition…..i thought he would stay besides me …..only i needed him ..his support….his love …..i loved him unconditionally ….in his any situtation i was ready to sacrifice my all happinies only becoz my happinies was belongs to him …..only with him….but what he did….for his happiness he left me alone……the day i remember it was terrible for me to accept but after came to ur website reading your articles i started no contact rules which helped me a lot …..its almost 1 year gone…..im survivng ….i didnt contact with him…..but still i feel pain i cry …i cry overnight….but iwill not give up…as i am so introvert i couldnt tell it to anybody….i have no such friends….but yes.Eddie showed me how to survive…..yes i will survive ……thak you Eddie once again

    • Williette January 18, 2014 at 8:07 pm #

      Alone,
      Yes, it is hard when you give your everything to someone and they decide to leave you or be with someone new. We here have all been through this terrrible journey. I am too a loner and this site has given me a place to share my feelings an read others stories. Yes, Eddie has helped so many people. He has shared his story and support. Eddie you are awesome thank you for me and I speak for the other too.

      • Eddie Corbano January 19, 2014 at 8:48 am #

        Thank you so much Alone and Williette, I am so happy that I could help!

      • Arun Kumar January 20, 2014 at 1:19 pm #

        Hi Everyone!!!

        Many days have passed since I last posted my comments.

        Some of you will be knowing that some weeks ago my ex contacted me and said sorry for breaking my heart. She again contacted me some days after that. Then, after accepting her apologies I messaged her if she wants to be with me. She started to give silent treatment and I thought that something has happened and daily called her and messaged her. Two days back she picked the phone, she talked nicely. When I raised the question again, the said we will talk it about later. Then, again silent treatment. Then the other day, I again called her, again I raised the question “Is there anyone in your life now?” She said “No”. Then I asked her, if she wants to be with me. She said another big NO. I again become mad. The old pain again came back after 4 months of feeling well. I tried again to win her heart. Finally, she said she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore and I obliged.

        Sorry Eddie and all other my friends, I let you down.

        The moral of the story is that you should never contact your ex. Even after the completion of 60 days of no contact. Even if you want to talk to them, let it be initiated by them and sorry should be in their action not in mere words.

        Again sorry.

        • Williette January 20, 2014 at 7:34 pm #

          Arun Kumar,
          I sorry this has happen to you. I could have told you it would because it has happen to me too. But it is ok, you can start all over again don’t feel bad. you wanted her to be ready for you again. B ut ex’s are not wit us for a reason. This is hard lesson to learn. Take care of yourself Arun. Peace be with you!

        • Colette May 11, 2014 at 8:56 am #

          sorry to hear what happened. It was nice of her to call you and say sorry for hurting you . I know how much you wanted her back and tried and asked her for having relationship again.
          If I was you I would ask her once and that was it. You asking her few times probably was not a mature move. It gave her plenty of ego boost, reminding her you still did not move on, she has all the power over you etc. Now she can live her life happily knowing you are still grieving over her.
          We live and learn right? what i learn is i will never ever initiate contact with my ex, i will never ask him for another chance. and I will never be his friend or a sholder to cry on .
          I only agree to talk to him if he contacts me. go on his knees and beg me for another chance. Other than that, he can go and die for all I care. just like he didn’t care what situation he put me through when he left me.

  13. Neuroticdater January 23, 2014 at 1:45 am #

    I have to agree whole-heartedly. No contact/cold turkey is the quickest route to getting over someone, although I understand that this may be difficult when you have shared social circles, work environments etc. I like to think of love, rather reductively and unromantically, as a manipulation of your neural reward system, functioning in a similar way to heroin. Break-ups hurt because your reward system acclimatised to a basal level of reward. The only way to get over the break up is to go cold turkey, allowing the reward system to readjust. None of these rebound relationships either.

  14. Susan January 26, 2014 at 3:15 pm #

    That’s interesting what said that, Neuroticdater. I read that it takes about 6 months to a year to repair damage to the prefrontal cortex when going cold turkey from being addicted to sugar. Maybe this is true for feelings of love too. Seems it would be best to use our thinking and thoughts of no-contact to guide us instead of feelings of love as a guide, for our own protection, until after that period of time. We may still love them, but that doesn’t mean they still love us, and so its in our best interest to use our judgment and reasoning to assess the situation and make deliberate efforts of no-contact, especially the first 6 months to a year.

  15. sid February 13, 2014 at 8:33 pm #

    @arun???? Em very sorry to hear this….plz don’t tell me u contacted her first…..bro if she contacted and did this….na she isn’t the one u need to care about and look for…

    It’s been exactly year for me….ups and downs for me with few personal and professional life of mine…even today I fall down…I feel low when I don’t meet my daily commitments and sad ,and I feel like em missing someone and that someone get me out and make me happy..trust me it’s jus feeling and thought we all have ……

    But immediately I ask myself like Eddie always suggested us,how the Fuk can some person who left me comeback and even solve my problems?? Hw can someone cause happiness for me?? Y the Fuk shud I go to someone for my temporary happiness….I m Nt so cheap….

    It’s been year em great…em Nt strong person before,em momma s kid,I was weak,kiddies,sensitive name it ,I was that kind….very ignorant…..

    Today lol I don’t giv a shot abt my ex,I hardly think of her….lol if I see her ,I.wudnt care,I don’t abuse her anymore,Ofcourse Its over em over hatred and all….

    So after year what I have with me
    1.beautiful guy who reads world,people,and knows what he needs in life as friend – Sid ( ya I live to myself)

    2.great friend whom I can’t c or chat to or return bak his health..but I knw he exists and gave me lots of power- eddie

    3.this is something I learnt myself I attract woman faster and easier and to be frank em an Indian and hot blonde from italy has asked me for date..ain’t that cool

    Guys listen things I recommend

    Understand and analyse eddies website
    Trust this is the best way
    No contact is truly best
    Don’t accept ur ex,u.deserve better,u.vl never b happy
    U lost confidence after break up build it by physical activity highly recommended( I broke my back lol at gym frustration)
    And then go out with friends
    U need to understand y u r ex left.
    Don’t get in deep thoughts but jus analyse
    U might feel at situation if they come u might feel light at heart and happy because u shared ur.sorrow always ,but noooooo ,no one can bring.happiness,they can’t …..they will increase it by goin.away….

    So u hav to b alone independent smiling work hard keep busy meet friends dnd ways to engage yourself…

    Tc guys its possible,I am here happy and cool…I was weak real weak back there….trust me…u can see my stories on other commented pages…

    Tc guys

  16. Sean February 18, 2014 at 5:35 pm #

    I can not stop Facebook stalking, checking my ex-girlfriend out, maybe i just need to see her with someone else, that would give me closure, and pain of course…it’s so hard to let go, No Contact works, i know…i dont have any contact whit my ex but i keep checking her out on the internet, i dont know what the hell is wrong with me…i’m weak…

    • Williette February 18, 2014 at 8:40 pm #

      Sean,
      I know how you feel. But you are only hurting yourself with obession. Maybe you are not ready yet. Many of us here have been through just what you are doing now. It does not helpYOU.
      Facebook stalking is contact. No-Contact means no texting, no-emailing, no tweeting and especially No-Facebook stalking. You have not adhere to the rules. You need to start all over. BUT when you do it the right way you will begin to feel and get better.

    • K February 18, 2014 at 9:51 pm #

      You are not weak, this is the hardest thing I’ve had to. I understand x

    • Colette May 11, 2014 at 8:26 am #

      it is probably a late reply but i should tell you , checking facebook is breaking NC. Facebook is poisonous , stay away from it.

      • Dave May 20, 2014 at 4:49 pm #

        Facebook is poison!!!

  17. anne moore May 4, 2014 at 8:32 pm #

    Hi ive been in a relationship for 26yrs and my partner had an affair, which I found out about via facebook. He lied for 4mths until I told him what I had read, the affair fizzled out or so I thought, he become aggressive and drank alot, I asked him to leave and he rekindled his affair, they moved in a house together, this lasted a week or two and she went back to her husband! we since have spoken and are trying to sell the house and now he has decided not to be in contact with me anymore and I am very upset, I cant understand why im feeling like this after what hes put me through the last 8mths, how can I move on?

    • Colette May 11, 2014 at 8:31 am #

      26 years is a long time , it is normal to feel the way you do. you guys share so many memories. don’t be so hard on yourself , take one day at the time.
      Imagine how your husband feels, he lost you and his mistress, i guess karma is really a bitch.

  18. Colette May 11, 2014 at 8:23 am #

    I am on day 83 of NC. finality hit me when i reached day 60 and did not hear from my ex at all during these 2 months. I realized it was really over and i am kind of thankful he did not contact me to confuse me. I feel i will never hear from him again , i dont deny it is still painful to accept it but pain is better than false hope.
    I know once i get busy with work and stuff i don’t think of my ex at all. I only think when i am home alone and have nothing to do.

    • williette May 11, 2014 at 7:27 pm #

      You might hear from your ex, did after over 120 days. But he had not change, I really did not expect too much. I realy did not get too much either. But because I had maintain no-contact for 60 days times 2. I could see him for he truly was and still is a liar and cheater, using God name in vain. Happy Mother’s Day!!! It does get BETTER.

      • Colette May 24, 2014 at 8:50 pm #

        Williette:

        You were right , my ex contacted me last week after 83 days of NC. you think he wanted to apologize to me or tell me he missed me ? NO way , he just said “ I wanted to see how you are doing“ then he asked me if I am dating someone.

        I am asking myself why??? why do you even bother to call me if you don’t want to be with me. I truly don’t understand why one should call an ex. specially in our case , we didn’t end things in a good term. at least I didn’t .

        so after him contacting me I felt so down and I felt I was back to square one. all my hard work ruined, all bad memories came back to my head , I started crying again … I feel better now, I am on my day 8 of NC.

        I also should add that he does not have my number , I changed the number 4 months ago, so he found me through internet and emailed me. WTF !!

        • Wlliette May 28, 2014 at 10:12 pm #

          I feel bad too Colette becauses, I was no-contact for over 120days and he calls me out of the blue, with another LIE. I just hate myslef and really, really hate my ex for call me and fooling me again. And when I saw him he ha a bad ODOR. I Really think that was a sign of some kind.
          But he has been blocked from calling me, he called from someone I was not familiar with’s phone. Today, anyone calling from a number I do not recognized will go to voice mail. Colette thanks for sharing I don’t feet too bad. But you handle yourself better than I did.

  19. Williette May 20, 2014 at 11:35 pm #

    I agree… When you check your exes facebook page your are breaking no-contact.
    Please do not go back to your ex, if even it they say have medical problems like my ex did. However, he sounds more like he is on a alcoholic henge. Same symptoms. But his problems are none of my business. My problem, is not your problem. Say no to any contact with an ex, under all circumstances if possible.
    Please do not do what I did and feel sorry.

  20. Issa May 29, 2014 at 5:36 am #

    I am so ready for this.
    After a long tumultuous relationship and sour ending.
    I need it
    I.want it.
    No contact day #1
    I can . I know it.

    • MaybeTomorrow June 27, 2014 at 10:23 am #

      Issa~
      Even after sharing my sentiment in my own post, I wish you luck. You seem resolved to clear the bad memories or pain. There are a lot of people behind you, believing you will be better for it. Stay strong.

  21. MaybeTomorrow June 27, 2014 at 10:20 am #

    I just realized that tomorrow will be the 6 month mark since my relationship ended. It was a blindsiding moment, where a debate became our first real heated fight and then he basically said he didn’t want to work it out, that it would be a waste of time to put effort in. Shocking stuff, since we had just been on a 2.5 wk vacation. Granted it was hexed with unforeseen complications and stress, and many areas of both our lives got hit during it, but we supported each other and all I wanted was to get home and return to what was good. Instead, it all blew up.

    What hurts the most, and what I resent, is that his judgement on our future was borne out of some insanely stressful circumstance during the trip – those weren’t representational of our past nor likely to be in our future. But he short-circuited and confused his past bad experiences with other women with me. He projected all those past hurts onto our relationship, I could sense the fear and pain in his voice and actions during our fight. I wasn’t myself on the trip(got sick, went to ER, lost job – lots of crazy stuff) and he was never like what I saw that last night. Talk about nightmares!

    Here’s my problem: I have a fairly strong history of remaining friends w my exes. Mostly because the relationships don’t end in a fury, but in a realization and mutually agreement. Sure, there are some men I will never allow back inmy life, but they did some pretty severe crap. The thing is, most guys I was involved with were friends foremost and that what drew me in. I really don’t understand having shared so much time and intimacy with someone only to cauterize the connection entirely because the romance is gone. Isn’t so much of the rest what really bonds people? To cut someone out just because the relationship of exclusive romance isn’t working seems rather petty and immature. Where’s the emotional maturity in avoidance and denial? How can no contact teach us anything but that the time together had no value, it’s easy to dismiss, walk away from, have no respect for? It really seems like a cheap out of whatever issues caused the breakup.

    So that’s what I struggle with-the idea that the person with whom you were most intimate, shared your mind and heart, would be the ONE person you should no longer have any contact with…seems backwards. The message it gives me is all the goodness and growth gained together can no longer have a record on those lives, erase it from memory, demote its relevance, convince yourself it was all done under the wrong motivation…. How often in life do we suddenly or completely cut out a best friend?!? Think of the reputation we’d have if that were our practice. People wouldn’t trust us and we’d probably not be too happy with ourselves, knowing we are really just hiding from something uncomfortable, yet manageable, true life lessons.

    I feel I’ve become a worse person having been forced into no contact, as that is his m.o. I’m not proactively communicating with him, but just know that this is NOT how I’d choose to manage the change in our relation. This treatment has done nothing to aid my recovery for loosing a friend and lover. It’s as if he died. And that would be sad. This has taxed my faith in people, relationships, and mentors of the human spirit. I’m uninspired to trust or share myself when all I feel is that people think its ok to just walk away from each other.

  22. Piteus July 15, 2014 at 7:19 pm #

    Maybe Tomorrow – you are a kind soul. It’s so hard to cut someone completely out of our lives when they were so instrumental at some point.

    But let me tell you something … I went though the same thing 5 years ago as I am going through it again :(. Finality sucks! But it’s something we need to do. LOVE IS CRUEL sometimes. We just have to face it.

    Love is passion … Love is irrational. IF Eddie told me something years ago … HOPE is the worst thing in any breakup. We ALL want a “good” breakup. We want all want a mutual breakup. But ask yourself this … is LOVE rational? Absolutely not. The ultimate goal of a breakup is to break the bond … to break that emotional bond, no matter how cruel. So I ask you this question … the break ups you’ve had, were you in real love with them? Di you really mean it when you said that you hope that they find someone better than you? IF you really said that … were you really in love with them?

    LOVE is irrational. It’s impossible to control those emotions … because it’s irrational. To try to stay friends with your ex is almost impossible no matter how much you love them. Will you be okay if you saw your ex darting someone else? IF you are, then I question if you really loved them. Did you really commit to love?

    Years ago, Eddie said something really profound. The hardest part of ever breaking up is finality. Knowing you will probably never see them again … you will never share that emotional bond. But only when you accept finality … it’s when you can finally heal. That’s the premise of no contact. No contact is a symbol for accepting finality. That it will never be. Why do we need to keep in contact with someone when we know it’s over? There is no upside. We only keep contact to keep hope. And hope is what kills us. We need to accept there is no hope. Once we reach the goal of indifference, then we can become friends again. But why be friends when we do reach indifference. You don’t have to be mean … but when we breakup, it means we’re by ourselves. You only have responsibility to one person, yourself. Stop worrying about how they feel. Just worry about what you can control. Yourself!

    Maybe you are that rare person that can remain friends. But how do you think that makes you ex significant feel. LOVE is irrational. LOVE is cruel. After a breakup it’s all about survival. You don’t have a responsibility to help the along their process. You only have a responsibility to yourself. So stop feeling guilty about the breakup … start concentrating on your healing.

  23. Piteus July 15, 2014 at 7:32 pm #

    Eddie – I was on this blog all the time in early 2011. You helped me so much through the process. My ex at the time dumped me. I took all the blame … I thought I was worthless. But it was only when you told me that accepting finality is the only way to start healing. Kick you significant other off the pedestal. We deserve better.

    But now it’s a different situation today. I was the dumper this time. After 2.5 years, I didn’t know if she was the right one for me. I didn’t want to waste her time anymore. I broke it off. Then why do I feel like a piece of crap? I feel like I’m going through the brunt of the pain. I feel so guilty. I question myself everyday if I made the right decision … though in my heart in know I made the right decision. I’ve always done well financially … she depended on me. She put all her faith in me. But at some point I knew she wasn’t right. I broke her heart. I feel terrible. I feel like a terrible person. I feel like I let her down. Now she’s struggling financially. I’ve offered to help her financially … but the hurt I gave her was too much. Now I’m in this terrible cycle … am I a good person? Do I deserve anyone’s love. What kind of person does this kind of damage? Eddie – you do a great job explaining what to do how to get over someone when they are the dumpee. But there are good people who are dumpers who feel just as bad. Sometimes I wonder if I can ever forgive myself. I feel so empty … I feel like a terrible person.

  24. Milos July 31, 2014 at 7:11 am #

    Agree! I absolutely agree with you. The best thing to do is not to contact him anymore. Past is past. Move on. You deserve better.

  25. Stefanie August 12, 2014 at 7:59 pm #

    Thanks Eddie for this article!reading all of your articles makes me feel so strong!but then I realise I am not strong at all.i still don’t accept that I have been dumped because my ex is still around all the time.its very hard because sometimes he gets touchy feelings and emotional and I can’t cope with it.we have a child that’s why he’s here.hes going away now for a couple of weeks and hopefully I am strong enough to kick him out when he’s back as I cannot move on like this.
    Anyway I am scared to accept the fact that he is done with me coz I am so helpless and I still want to hope that we can go back to how it was.but then I think about all the things I did for him and what I got in return and I think ‘ what an a$$hole’.so my head knows it’s done and it’s probably a good thing but my bloody heart is not taking any of it!
    They say time is a healer – but when?so far for me it’s not true.i am still in the same shocked stage I was 16 days ago!

  26. Kate October 26, 2014 at 2:24 am #

    I don’t know how to stick to No Contact. I’ve deleted him on facebook, gotten rid of all his ‘I love you’ and ‘you’re the most noble cause I’ve fought for’ texts, changed his name in my phone to ‘DO NOT TEXT’ etc, but I still see him every week. We met at church. He’s the youth minister there, and now he’s leading my bible study group. We used to do it together, like, he would lead the group while I helped, cleaning up afterwards, doing all the little housekeeping things. I still go to my church- I can’t let him kick me out of my own place of worship- but it kills me now that I’m not there to help him. That I’m just like everyone else now. I know now that he never loved me in the first place- he liked the idea of having someone there, I was companionable and fit his ‘type’, but it was never me he was interested in. Despite all of his assurances and texts, dates, kisses and flowers, he never loved me. And that hurts so bad, because I would do anything for him. I know I need to stop thinking like that, that it only hurts me worse, but I know if he were to call me right now and say he needed help, I would be there in a minute. It’s so hard to accept the idea that he never loved me, only the idea of me, and that I put all of my faith and love in the wrong person. Everybody keeps saying, ‘it’s ok, you’ll fall in love again’, but he was my first and only love. I can’t imagine myself with anybody else, ever. He’s the only person who’s asked me out in my entire life. The only guy I’ve dated. The only guy I’ve loved. By my age, most women have gone through at least two or three guys, and have casually dated in between, but for me he was it. I don’t know how I could ever open my heart up to anyone else and trust them again, especially since people keep telling me that this will happen two or three more times before I find the One. I know I should be focused on me right now, not anybody else, but I know I didn’t do anything wrong. I didn’t cheat, I was honest, open minded, accepting, trusting… Our breakup had nothing to do with me. I hate that he went through all the steps of a relationship without actually meaning it, and I hate that I believed him. I wish that I didn’t feel safe and comfortable the second he walks into the room, knowing that he wasn’t actually there to protect me. I hate knowing that I have to look out for myself, because he stopped caring enough to try. I know I can’t make him love me, and if I could he would resent me for taking away his free will, and I would be sad because it wasn’t real. Everyone says that if he was the One, it would have worked out, that there are more people out there, etc, and it never makes me feel better. I don’t want some other person, I want him. And I can’t have him, because he doesn’t want me back. He still texts me about church events, but it always seems like a date, and I have to say no. He’ll say, like ‘hey, you want to come see [whatever movie] at the church house and get dinner?’ and I know it’s because I’m a part of the bible study group and he’s obligated to ask me, but it still makes my heart soar every time. I just want to curl into a ball and die without him.

    • Inspired October 27, 2014 at 2:37 pm #

      Kate,

      I felt the same way you did. My ex broke up with me (by text) in June of 2013. It was a hard road to recovery but I’m happy to say that I now have met the man of my dreams (at a church picnic no less).

      If it’ weren’t for ‘no contact’ I might still be missing the jerk. I finally realised – that was NOT love. I was in love with the idea of love and wanted it to fit so badly I didn’t see all the obvious flaws in our relationship.

      He ended up getting engaged (and I recently found out that they broke up – go figure). Don’t want him back EVER.

      You MUSTN’T give up hope that love exists for you.

      It does and it will – if you let it.

      Be good to yourself. Nurture yourself. Forget about love for now – it will come and find you when you are ready.

      God bless.

    • Williettep October 28, 2014 at 3:33 pm #

      I am so sorry about how you feel now, but we here have all suffered from heartbreak.
      It takes time to heal, it is a process. Take care of you, stop focusing on him.

  27. Ally November 2, 2014 at 7:21 pm #

    It’s been a month today since my breakup and your e-mails and the posts have been helping a lot, although I do not feel ready to commit to No Contact. Actually, I thought I was doing great untill today, working a lot, running every other day, watching all the movies and series I did not when in the relationship, spending time with dear friends I missed… But then today I suddenly burst into tears while driving. Out of the blues. And now I’m feeling sad : ( Anyways, I have a story/ doubt I would like to share, because I keep reading your reader’s break up stories and it helps me a lot, but I feel I did not have a “regular” breakeup, so I’m confused… Help me.

    Well, we dated for 2 years and it was CRAZY love since the beggining. We used to be friends and hangout, and one day it just clicked and it was 2 great years. He always had issues with relatiionships, our friend used to call him “stone heart”, but with me it was so intense, everybody noticed. And with just a few months of relationship, he decided he wanted to be closer to me, so he moved to another apartament in my building and we became neighbors! Funny and also cool, like, almost living together, but still having our own space.

    Well, but he has 2 jobs, one wich he hates SO MUCH, but pays he well, and his own business, an advertising bureau, wich he loves like crazy, but still can’t pay the bills. As a result, he was each day more stressed, working 14, 16 hours a day, having trouble to sleep because he kept thinking hiw he could dedicate more time to his business and less to the firts job… He was sick, not having time to chill, always tired, always thinking about work, and, although we live in the same building, it was at a point where we could only see each other in weekends, and even this way, he still had some work to do often. I was always an understandng girlfriend, suportive, saying he should fight for his business etc. But I started to worry about him, and at the same time feeling he was distant and cold, always thinking about work when we were together.

    One day I brought this up and said this was not right. That he should quit his job, dedicate to his business, take care of himself, do some sport, something else other than work, have some fun, and also give me more attention, cause I was feeling like crap. He said I was right and that we should take a break. I said no, we should work on things together and that I was still there for him. Still, he said “a few days apart” could be good for us. Well, we took a 20 days break and it was hell for me. I was crying all day, missing him, painting scenarios on my mind, checking his car on the garage (it sucks to live this close in situations like this!), I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep. Until one day I called him and said “ok, we need to talk, enough of this break thing”. It was a GREAT talk, he said he was devastaded, his life sucked, bla bla, we laughed together and agreed to talk in person in 2 days.

    Well, basically, we met, we talked for hours and hours, he told me everything that happened on his mind those days apart, to then say he thought we should break up because his life was upside down. He was thinking about leaving his first job for good, put his life on track, take care of his business, etc., and that he was beeing a trash byfriend to me, and that he couldn’t deal with us that moment of his life. Fine untill that. BUT he also said, when I started crying, that in his mind, this was not a break up. That he thought that, when he could finally deal with everything, he would come after me, but that he was not planning to tell me this, because it was unfair for me and that he was taking a big risk of loosing me for good. He litterally said “if you love me, don’t consider this a breakup”. WHAAAAT? Then, he said he loved me “so so so so much”, that things between us should never end, that if it wasn’t me, then it was not going to be anyone else, bla bla bla. I said then “ok, I still love you and I hope things work out good for you”. And he panicked. He said “stop talking like we were never gonna see each other again or speak! We will be in each others lives! Go out for luch, call, text, etc.”. Then, I said I was considering quiting my job (wich I hate and he knows) and living abroad for a year. Again, he freaked. “PROMISE ME YOU GONNA STAY HERE, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE”.

    Anyways, when he was leaving, he hugged me and said “there won’t be anybody else. I promise you. Do you trust me?”. And that was it. He keeps texting me, he travels for work and texts me like “you are my emergency contact number, I’ll text when I get there”. He keep calling me our nickname, he likes every photo me ir my friends put on instagram. Really, I was fine with this. I was thinking “there’s nothing I can do right now, let it be, he knows what he told me, he know what that meant”. And I was fine! We talked for an hour on the phone this week! We didnt met since the break up, but I know he is very very busy with his businesse right now… He told me everything, they are moving offices, hiring people, etc. Also, a week after the break up his mom called me to check on me, ask about him, because she was also very worried about him, his stressed life, etc. And she told me they had talk, and that he said to her he wasnt looking for anybody else and that he still loved me. But I dont know… yesterday I went out with friends and got back home like 5am. For my surprise, he wasnt home! HIs car wasnt there. He doesnt have many friends, actually he complained a lot about feeling lonely here in Brasilia… His closest friends was with me yesterday and they are all in relationships! So, where the hell was him and with who?

    I think that upset me… like we never went out to parties when we were dating because he was always tired, and we prefered to be home with netflix… So where could he be at 5 in the morning? I woke up sad, thinking about everything, what he said to me a month ago… We like each other a lot. We always have easy talks, and great ones… We love to talk to each other, and I’m worried too about his life, he was so crazy when we broke uo, saying he was everybody around him, that he should be apart from everybody he cared about because he was not making any good to anyone… I care a lot about him and our talks are always great… What should I do? I am afraid to start NC and let him deal with everything alone, also I really enjoy having him in my life, even if its some fun texts and talks on the phone. He didnt even change his relationship status on facebook already. Help me! I feel like I’m in a place where no one has ever been in break ups, because of why and how it happenned. We loved each other a lot : (

  28. jennifer January 25, 2015 at 8:37 pm #

    I will not speak to my ex. He did the biggest betrayal, lies, manipulation over the last 4 months. I told him to rot and to leave me alone. I am actually proud of myself because I have no desire to talk to him..ever. when someone does the stuff to someone else that hurts and theres no reason, its just like a friendship. I wont let someone take advantage of me and use me like he did

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