I remember exactly how it felt.
I remember this unbearable notion of finality, this cruel feeling of irrevocableness.
Sometimes it takes a while until we get it, but when we do, the realization hits us like a ton of bricks.
Our partners are gone, and they are not coming back.
What we once had is now over.
This feeling of finality is one of the most difficult things to accept when we go through break-up recovery.
It is almost solely the reason that the so important transition to the next phase eludes us at the beginning.
You definitely don't want an “open door”.
But when you look deeper, you will realize that finality is in fact not our enemy, but our friend. More precisely – it is one of the lesser of the many evils that awaits you after a break-up.
When you think about it, you really don’t want anything else other than finality, even when it hurts like hell.
What you definitely do NOT want is the so-called “open door” . And our Exes LOVE to leave one door open.
They do it out of self-interest, inexperience, perverted good intentions and sadly, very often, out of pure disgrace or stupidity.
You perceive an “open door” as a blessing because it still gives you the nearness that you seek.
But in truth, it is very often a big road bump in your recovery.
An open door is, for example, “let’s stay friends!” , or “I still love you but [insert stupid thing]” .
Or the classic, “I need time to think” .
(MORE: 10 Things You Don’t Want To Hear From Your Ex)
Your mindset should always be aligned towards your recovery. What you really should want at this time is to heal and benefit from this break-up.
For this, you NEED finality.
For that reason, the best you can hear from your Ex is this:
“It’s over, and we are NEVER getting back together again. I will disappear from your life, and you won’t see me again.”
Now, I know how this hurts.
Even to think of it.
I know that this sounds mean and beyond all cruelness … but it really would be in your best interest for your recovery.
I know that this feels wrong, but just take my word for it and trust me.
Unfortunately, most Exes don’t understand this fact – and when they do, they rarely say the sentence out of the desire to help you.
They do it out of anger and resentment.
But no matter what the motives are, you WANT finality. It makes everything easier, especially for the 60 days of No-Contact.
You WANT finality.
And if your Ex doesn’t give it to you, you have to create it for yourself.
So how do you do that?
You can start with sending the No-Contact letter to your Ex, as described in my course.
After that, you just stop contacting them it. As simple and as difficult as that.
You don’t call, don’t write, don’t check their Facebook status, you just stay away from them, as far as you can.
I know that this is a HUGE step. I know it will probably be the hardest thing you will ever do.
But you HAVE to do this for yourself.
Create the finality you need for your recovery.
“The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.” – Lao Tzu
Take this one step, and you will reach your goal, even if it’s a thousand miles away.
Your goal is a better YOU, a stronger YOU, a more confident YOU. And this better YOU will find the perfect person to be with.
Believe in that and don’t be afraid of finality. You can do this!
If I could back then, then you can too.
Your friend,
Eddie Corbano
I am so ready for this.
After a long tumultuous relationship and sour ending.
I need it
I.want it.
No contact day #1
I can . I know it.
Issa~
Even after sharing my sentiment in my own post, I wish you luck. You seem resolved to clear the bad memories or pain. There are a lot of people behind you, believing you will be better for it. Stay strong.
I agree… When you check your exes facebook page your are breaking no-contact.
Please do not go back to your ex, if even it they say have medical problems like my ex did. However, he sounds more like he is on a alcoholic henge. Same symptoms. But his problems are none of my business. My problem, is not your problem. Say no to any contact with an ex, under all circumstances if possible.
Please do not do what I did and feel sorry.
I am on day 83 of NC. finality hit me when i reached day 60 and did not hear from my ex at all during these 2 months. I realized it was really over and i am kind of thankful he did not contact me to confuse me. I feel i will never hear from him again , i dont deny it is still painful to accept it but pain is better than false hope.
I know once i get busy with work and stuff i don’t think of my ex at all. I only think when i am home alone and have nothing to do.
You might hear from your ex, did after over 120 days. But he had not change, I really did not expect too much. I realy did not get too much either. But because I had maintain no-contact for 60 days times 2. I could see him for he truly was and still is a liar and cheater, using God name in vain. Happy Mother’s Day!!! It does get BETTER.
Williette:
You were right , my ex contacted me last week after 83 days of NC. you think he wanted to apologize to me or tell me he missed me ? NO way , he just said “ I wanted to see how you are doing“ then he asked me if I am dating someone.
I am asking myself why??? why do you even bother to call me if you don’t want to be with me. I truly don’t understand why one should call an ex. specially in our case , we didn’t end things in a good term. at least I didn’t .
so after him contacting me I felt so down and I felt I was back to square one. all my hard work ruined, all bad memories came back to my head , I started crying again … I feel better now, I am on my day 8 of NC.
I also should add that he does not have my number , I changed the number 4 months ago, so he found me through internet and emailed me. WTF !!
I feel bad too Colette becauses, I was no-contact for over 120days and he calls me out of the blue, with another LIE. I just hate myslef and really, really hate my ex for call me and fooling me again. And when I saw him he ha a bad ODOR. I Really think that was a sign of some kind.
But he has been blocked from calling me, he called from someone I was not familiar with’s phone. Today, anyone calling from a number I do not recognized will go to voice mail. Colette thanks for sharing I don’t feet too bad. But you handle yourself better than I did.
Hi ive been in a relationship for 26yrs and my partner had an affair, which I found out about via facebook. He lied for 4mths until I told him what I had read, the affair fizzled out or so I thought, he become aggressive and drank alot, I asked him to leave and he rekindled his affair, they moved in a house together, this lasted a week or two and she went back to her husband! we since have spoken and are trying to sell the house and now he has decided not to be in contact with me anymore and I am very upset, I cant understand why im feeling like this after what hes put me through the last 8mths, how can I move on?
26 years is a long time , it is normal to feel the way you do. you guys share so many memories. don’t be so hard on yourself , take one day at the time.
Imagine how your husband feels, he lost you and his mistress, i guess karma is really a bitch.
I can not stop Facebook stalking, checking my ex-girlfriend out, maybe i just need to see her with someone else, that would give me closure, and pain of course…it’s so hard to let go, No Contact works, i know…i dont have any contact whit my ex but i keep checking her out on the internet, i dont know what the hell is wrong with me…i’m weak…
Sean,
I know how you feel. But you are only hurting yourself with obession. Maybe you are not ready yet. Many of us here have been through just what you are doing now. It does not helpYOU.
Facebook stalking is contact. No-Contact means no texting, no-emailing, no tweeting and especially No-Facebook stalking. You have not adhere to the rules. You need to start all over. BUT when you do it the right way you will begin to feel and get better.
You are not weak, this is the hardest thing I’ve had to. I understand x
it is probably a late reply but i should tell you , checking facebook is breaking NC. Facebook is poisonous , stay away from it.
Facebook is poison!!!
@arun???? Em very sorry to hear this….plz don’t tell me u contacted her first…..bro if she contacted and did this….na she isn’t the one u need to care about and look for…
It’s been exactly year for me….ups and downs for me with few personal and professional life of mine…even today I fall down…I feel low when I don’t meet my daily commitments and sad ,and I feel like em missing someone and that someone get me out and make me happy..trust me it’s jus feeling and thought we all have ……
But immediately I ask myself like Eddie always suggested us,how the Fuk can some person who left me comeback and even solve my problems?? Hw can someone cause happiness for me?? Y the Fuk shud I go to someone for my temporary happiness….I m Nt so cheap….
It’s been year em great…em Nt strong person before,em momma s kid,I was weak,kiddies,sensitive name it ,I was that kind….very ignorant…..
Today lol I don’t giv a shot abt my ex,I hardly think of her….lol if I see her ,I.wudnt care,I don’t abuse her anymore,Ofcourse Its over em over hatred and all….
So after year what I have with me
1.beautiful guy who reads world,people,and knows what he needs in life as friend – Sid ( ya I live to myself)
2.great friend whom I can’t c or chat to or return bak his health..but I knw he exists and gave me lots of power- eddie
3.this is something I learnt myself I attract woman faster and easier and to be frank em an Indian and hot blonde from italy has asked me for date..ain’t that cool
Guys listen things I recommend
Understand and analyse eddies website
Trust this is the best way
No contact is truly best
Don’t accept ur ex,u.deserve better,u.vl never b happy
U lost confidence after break up build it by physical activity highly recommended( I broke my back lol at gym frustration)
And then go out with friends
U need to understand y u r ex left.
Don’t get in deep thoughts but jus analyse
U might feel at situation if they come u might feel light at heart and happy because u shared ur.sorrow always ,but noooooo ,no one can bring.happiness,they can’t …..they will increase it by goin.away….
So u hav to b alone independent smiling work hard keep busy meet friends dnd ways to engage yourself…
Tc guys its possible,I am here happy and cool…I was weak real weak back there….trust me…u can see my stories on other commented pages…
Tc guys
That’s interesting what said that, Neuroticdater. I read that it takes about 6 months to a year to repair damage to the prefrontal cortex when going cold turkey from being addicted to sugar. Maybe this is true for feelings of love too. Seems it would be best to use our thinking and thoughts of no-contact to guide us instead of feelings of love as a guide, for our own protection, until after that period of time. We may still love them, but that doesn’t mean they still love us, and so its in our best interest to use our judgment and reasoning to assess the situation and make deliberate efforts of no-contact, especially the first 6 months to a year.
I have to agree whole-heartedly. No contact/cold turkey is the quickest route to getting over someone, although I understand that this may be difficult when you have shared social circles, work environments etc. I like to think of love, rather reductively and unromantically, as a manipulation of your neural reward system, functioning in a similar way to heroin. Break-ups hurt because your reward system acclimatised to a basal level of reward. The only way to get over the break up is to go cold turkey, allowing the reward system to readjust. None of these rebound relationships either.
thank you Eddie ……u helped me a lot to reduce my pain……..i dont know i am crying after reading your article….yes i accepted my breakup..i accepted he s gone…when he told me its over… its impossible…i cant marry you….after 6 years of my relationship ..he decided to leav me…….he promised me he will marry me……but he changed suddenly …..when?when i was in extreme bad condition my father died…. i was in very poor financial condition…..i thought he would stay besides me …..only i needed him ..his support….his love …..i loved him unconditionally ….in his any situtation i was ready to sacrifice my all happinies only becoz my happinies was belongs to him …..only with him….but what he did….for his happiness he left me alone……the day i remember it was terrible for me to accept but after came to ur website reading your articles i started no contact rules which helped me a lot …..its almost 1 year gone…..im survivng ….i didnt contact with him…..but still i feel pain i cry …i cry overnight….but iwill not give up…as i am so introvert i couldnt tell it to anybody….i have no such friends….but yes.Eddie showed me how to survive…..yes i will survive ……thak you Eddie once again
Alone,
Yes, it is hard when you give your everything to someone and they decide to leave you or be with someone new. We here have all been through this terrrible journey. I am too a loner and this site has given me a place to share my feelings an read others stories. Yes, Eddie has helped so many people. He has shared his story and support. Eddie you are awesome thank you for me and I speak for the other too.
Thank you so much Alone and Williette, I am so happy that I could help!
Hi Everyone!!!
Many days have passed since I last posted my comments.
Some of you will be knowing that some weeks ago my ex contacted me and said sorry for breaking my heart. She again contacted me some days after that. Then, after accepting her apologies I messaged her if she wants to be with me. She started to give silent treatment and I thought that something has happened and daily called her and messaged her. Two days back she picked the phone, she talked nicely. When I raised the question again, the said we will talk it about later. Then, again silent treatment. Then the other day, I again called her, again I raised the question “Is there anyone in your life now?” She said “No”. Then I asked her, if she wants to be with me. She said another big NO. I again become mad. The old pain again came back after 4 months of feeling well. I tried again to win her heart. Finally, she said she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore and I obliged.
Sorry Eddie and all other my friends, I let you down.
The moral of the story is that you should never contact your ex. Even after the completion of 60 days of no contact. Even if you want to talk to them, let it be initiated by them and sorry should be in their action not in mere words.
Again sorry.
Arun Kumar,
I sorry this has happen to you. I could have told you it would because it has happen to me too. But it is ok, you can start all over again don’t feel bad. you wanted her to be ready for you again. B ut ex’s are not wit us for a reason. This is hard lesson to learn. Take care of yourself Arun. Peace be with you!
sorry to hear what happened. It was nice of her to call you and say sorry for hurting you . I know how much you wanted her back and tried and asked her for having relationship again.
If I was you I would ask her once and that was it. You asking her few times probably was not a mature move. It gave her plenty of ego boost, reminding her you still did not move on, she has all the power over you etc. Now she can live her life happily knowing you are still grieving over her.
We live and learn right? what i learn is i will never ever initiate contact with my ex, i will never ask him for another chance. and I will never be his friend or a sholder to cry on .
I only agree to talk to him if he contacts me. go on his knees and beg me for another chance. Other than that, he can go and die for all I care. just like he didn’t care what situation he put me through when he left me.
Hi Eddie – you have been instrumental in my recovery. Your words echo in my deeply wounded heart and I am slowly on the path to recovery. I think what is challenging for me after a 25yr relationship/marriage ending is that we share young children. The no contact rule has been thought provoking but I now know a much needed reality check. As often I was longing for his voice and news when dealing with kids stuff. It’s still very very hard for me as we share children and you do have to cross paths sometimes but having your newsletter has given me a pathway with which to stay on with those baby steps. I wish there was a section in how to deal with your ex-husband and children. Especially when your children live between two households…Kind regards Mj Australia
It has been 8 months ago when my ex broke up with me and I thought I wouldn’t survive. From day 5 of the break up, I started the no contact rule. Whenever I was so sad back then all I had to do was cry and pray. I know that prayers were the big factor in my recovery. I tried to find myself and I knew in my heart that I wanted a big change in my life and prayed hard to the Lord. It was around late last year that my prayers were answered and I was offered with a new job with the new company effective Jan. 1, 2014. I would honestly say that this new opportunity has changed me and made me realize that yes I can survive without him, that I am starting to rebuild my self esteem and find peace in my new work place and new job role.
This is just the beginning of a new Me and taking one day at a time. Whenever I think of my ex I don’t cry anymore, sometimes thoughts of him still makes me sad but I know now in my heart that I do not need him anymore, that thoughts of him couldn’t crash me anymore. I stood up much stronger now and looking forward to a better life without him. I just realized that he never intended to stay anyway because if he really did, he would still be around. Whenever something doesn’t happen the way you plan it, just trust in the Lord because His plans are always perfect.
So true….amen
Joi your post was the light bulb moment for me, I needed to move on! Pray pray and pray x
Thank you Eddie, I still feel obligated and loyal to him even after everything he has done to me. He just told me its over and let it go. He blames me for everything but I know deep down its not. I can’t forgive myself for trying to stay with him but you are right, its time to let go and start new. I have my kids with me and he’s out of my life after hurting each other so much. It hurts but it’s time to let go. I promised him that when he made his decision I would disappear from his life. It’s time to keep my promise. Thank you for your emails…
Eddie,
Yes the finality of the ex is a must. Even if your ex does not have the courage to do it, you have to do it for yourself. You must clip the cords that keep you connected to your ex. I agree with you Eddie everyhting you say is true. The hurt and the pain of a breakup takes time to recover from. This does not happen overnight! It is like a a death, there is grieiving process we must go through!
But what if I wrote that closure email to him and all I get was insults after insults. I could not stand it because he was so full of himself and he was lecturing me to “learn my lesson”. He was sneaky and silent and then abandoned me when I needed him emotionally.
He was not hurt or remorseful for the pain he caused me when he walked out on me.
He is pissed because I wised up and made a rational decision NOT to be there for him anymore.
Yet he threw so much insults at me. I finally called him and told him to stop insulting me but he kept on insulting me via emails until I told him, “I’m happy and I’m glad I’m no longer need to be with you.” Then he replied, “Then let’s leave it there.”
It’s so obnoxious, after 1.5 months, I still feel the anger in me. I feel the fury inside me.
Will anyone suggest ideas on how I can help myself release all the anger inside me?
=(
Hi Elizabeth!
I went through something very similar! My ex was also sneaky & after the fact, found out he was telling everyone what was wrong & seeking their guidance instead of telling me. He belittled me on his way out & like you, was not remorseful even after the fact. Heck, I even apologized for my behaviour & he just sat there like I owed it to him & he owed me nothing!
So, like you I started no contact after that & boy did he get ugly- promising not to contact me ever again, I’d never hear from him…got a couple of texts like that…he was so angry that it was me that gave the final blow- all I did was say definitively the relationship was over & I needed time & space & he was angry & hurt…him- after he chose not to talk to me but just walk out.
At the time it was the hardest thing & I couldn’t believe things were over even when I sent no contact message but if they can’t be there for you when you need them then what’s the point?
Punching the air or pillows til you are exhausted. Worked for me. You do it every time they pop into your mind. It gets less and less as time goes by. Good luck sweetie, you will get there. I am 5 months since breakup and almost there now.
I’m so grateful for these emails & all the comments others share!…I couldn’t imagine going thru this alone, and know I wouldn’t have made it as far as I have without the guidance, advice & support of the articles & the shared posts!….TY TY!…I’m 6 Months single, 3 Months No Contact!, thanks to Eddie & all of you!
I just feel ashamed and upset all the time. How could I fall for someone who would hurt me so bad!
Hi K,
While it’s important to look at your motivations for being with this person it’s more important that you don’t beat yourself up.
I also have been tearing myself apart trying to figure out how I could have been with such a terrible narcissistic ugly person & still want them!
But once you’ve found what your motivation was – you will be aware of it & learn from it- then move on- don’t spend any more time on it then you have to.
You need to be kind to yourself – because that’s where it all starts treating yourself well & knowing you deserve someone who respects you & treats you well too.
Thank you for your kind words. My ex cheated on me with a colleague. He works for company pops in and out. But I have to see her everyday. It’s so hard. I was with him for 6 years and everyday I learn something new!
Has anybody been in a similar situation?
Thank you for the email Eddie. The timing was perfect. I have done nothing but torture myself during my recovery. The finality hit me like a ton of bricks over this past weekend. I’m not sure why or how but something came over me which brighten my inner light. I am beginning to find my happiness and I’m excited about the endless possibilities my future holds for me. I am grateful for your emails. Thank you again and have a great day.
After my ex and I broke up at the end of June this past summer, I thought I was broken. I thought I’d never see the light at the end of the dark dismal tunnel.
What I’ve realized is this. I don’t WANT someone who doesn’t WANT me. Period.
I live two doors down from him and have to see his new girlfriends vehicle in his driveway all weekend long (he started dating her in August so I know who is the broken one now and it’s not me).
I am near approaching the stage of utter indifference (the ultimate goal of the broken hearted). The other day, I caught myself thinking – I don’t even remember his cell phone number anymore – mission accomplished.
To all those recovering from the pain and hurt of a breakup I offer this – someone else will come along who treats you with the respect and love you deserve. NEVER settle for less.
Eddy – a special thanks to you for helping me keep my head on straight through the nightmare.
You are right Eddy. No matter how I wish this was just a dream, but it’s over. It’s the reality. You owe it to yourself to stop dreaming for a false hope (I learnt it in a very hard way). The story has reached its final chapter. Time’s up. Let it go.
i still love you linda, I know I put you through a lot, more then one can take, I know theres no excuses for my actions and I can only learn from my mistakes and never repeat them, didn’t I care and love you bub? why is it so easy for you to let us go down the drain? did we even mean anything? if you said you love me for eternity, then babe why are you giving up? I want to marry you linda and im gonna be there by your side making up for every little wrongs that I done. I love you baby.
Thanks for sharing your apology. It is always nice to hear a honest apology even when it may be too late. I wish for the best, and that you find happiness.
Hi Eddie,
OMgosh, this is pefect. I rec’d that exact email from my ex and this was a guy who obviously hated confrontation . It read “stay away from me. I am no longer in your life. You are on your own..etc”. I was literally shocked. It felt like a smack in the face, and yes, it hurt like hell. However, it was exactly what I needed to move forward. Now here is the good news. I knew after receiving that email that my wrath towards him was limitless (my way of trying to keep his attention), and if didn’t let go of the relationship I was never going to move on. A faithful person, I turned to God and my spiritual leaders to help me. I knew forgiveness was my only way out and I was ready to write him a letter of forgiveness. I had a friend whom my ex trusted hand deliver the letter to him. Very soon after I moved into the next phase of healing, which has been a cake walk compared to what I was feeling for the first 11 months. I am now 15 months past the abrupt end to my 6 year marriage starting to embrace my new reality. I have not connected myself to another man, but have dated casually. I say yes to many social gatherings and try to stay busy. I am happier that I was when I was with my ex and can now feel joy that was repressed by some much frustration.
This couldn’t have come at a better time. My ex said to me almost tht exactly. He said ” I’m sorry we will never date again…” It hurt like hell but what also pissed me off was that it was him saying that to me when it should have been me saying it to him after what he did to me. I just didn’t have the courage and because I still was sorting out my feelings, I wouldn’t have been able to say that to him and mean it. Our relationship and breakup is a long complicated story, but it’s been almost 10 months since all the shit hit the fan and a year since I’ve seen him and the last thing I’ve been struggling with is the overwhelming feeling of finality. I’m still holding onto something even when there is nothing there at all, if that makes sense. Thank you for this article Eddie because it makes me feel better to know that the finality is okay and most importantly that I’m going to be okay and better off because of it. It’s still a process everyday.