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No-Contact Help: How To Fight The Urge To Contact Your Ex

The concept of no-contact after a relationship break up is very similar to the main concept of alcohol or drug rehab, which is to avoid the very thing that you are addicted to.

In our case this means – get your butt as far away from your Ex as you can.

I’m sure you are having a pretty rough time with this. I certainly did.

There are times when you miss your Ex so much that it literally hurts. Picking up the phone and calling them would be so easy, wouldn’t it?

But would it also ease your pain?

No, it won’t.

Trust me, it won’t. On the contrary.

I can tell you something. There is NOTHING that your Ex can say to you that would abate your pain. They can only make it worse.

You really don’t want to know how they are doing, (it is really more than you can handle), and nothing that you are doing is going to impress or endear them to you.

Period.

What does No-Contact mean?

No-Contact means absolutely NO CONTACT with your Ex, either personally, by phone, email or short message. It means NO Facebook/MySpace-Stalking, NO Phone-Harassing and NO parking/driving by in front of their house, (more on this in my free newsletter).

Big NO, NO, NO to any of that.

But what should you do when it’s getting really tough, when missing your Ex is so unbearable that you are about to call them?

There are 3 proven methods that work in such a situation:

1. Distraction

The human brain can only concentrate on one thing at a time. So, if you are about to contact your Ex, have a list of prepared distractions ready which you can put in action immediately. Best are things where your brain is involved, where it has to figure out something, like research on a certain topic, quizzes, puzzles, etc.

The more work your brain has to do, the better the distraction.

2. Call A Friend

When you are close to calling your Ex, call a close friend or relative instead. They will talk you out of doing so.

3. Post HERE!

Let ME be your No-Contact Buddy.

Post in the comment section below:

  • Your No-Contact Count (in days)
  • Everything you want to say to your Ex, just yell it out! (No profanities please)

DO NOT CONTACT that Ex – put it all here! Unload all your anger and longing.

By sharing your No-Contact struggle with the LovesAGame Community, two things will happen:

  1. You will find that the need for contacting your Ex will be much less
  2. The replies of other readers will give you hope and strength

Having said that, now it’s your turn. Post below and let’s help each other.

Your No-Contact Buddy,
Eddie Corbano

EDIT 02-05-2011: I had to close this comment thread, over 2830!!! comments caused the page to load extremely slow, please continue posting here: No-Contact Help: How To Fight The Urge To Contact Your Ex – Part 2

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2,630 Responses to No-Contact Help: How To Fight The Urge To Contact Your Ex

  1. Ivy February 1, 2011 at 10:07 pm #

    I got this feeling in my chest …… of being able to move on with my life …… and sam time being stuck . Stuck with him,his smell and memories of him….. The day we broke up….. he sent on my facebook page song ” Rod Stewart – I wish you love” so..freakin…..sad… ….. I felt like he was making a fool of me…. but same time i know he wants me to be happy!?!?!? It’s so sad I can’t explain. I didn’t even pay attention to this song or meaning to it…… I decided to play it tonight…… I cracked up …. tears are falling like rain and i haven;t cried like that since the day we broke up,2 weeks ago. I know he is not for me,I am too good for him,not to mention( ( I don’t have that strong self confidence) too beatuiful for his ass……. God,I feel hurt…. no matter all the other guys around,no matter all the support…….. I WANT TO BE STRONGER. How to do it!!!!!!!!!!!! ……. I lose track…… I lose myself into pity and despair…. I am too young for this …..
    Thank you for letting me share. Thank you. :(((((((

    • Astra February 5, 2011 at 12:14 am #

      Ivy, you make me laugh. How can you cry when you’re with yourself? You have such a great sense of humor, and besides, you’re “too beautiful for his ass … ” lol. :)

  2. RandomPomPom February 1, 2011 at 11:13 pm #

    I have been doing so well, and really thought I was over the dark days. I’ve been feeling out of sorts since Sunday, and suddenly, out of nowhere, persistent thoughts of him. The thoughts make me angry – at myself for letting them seep in, and him, for doing what he did, and how he did it. I’m not feeling sorry for myself, just kind of sad and angry in a way that I kind of want to tell him what an asshole he is.

    I know I won’t do it – what’s the point?! I won’t give him the satisfaction of letting him think I’m remorseful or that he hurt me and that I’m still hurting. But I have this urge to tell him off, and it really makes me angry. I want to be over this already! I want to not let HIM control my emotions anymore. He already knows he’s a liar and coward. No need for me to remind him, but I think it’s incredibly unfair he has a distraction in his new relationship, and I’m still conjuring up apple trees to distract me. So unfair! He’s the one who should be going through this – not me.

    • Ivy February 1, 2011 at 11:23 pm #

      So true. Go on girl,go ahead with new adventures! Get away from this thoughts …. anger is the last phase i think – after anger – there is only the memory of the person ……. before anger is sadness……. so you passed ! Go ahead – if he has moved on – move on too! Step one – step two – new man/no man. YOU SHALL FEEL GOOD AS HE IS FEELING GOOD. Stop being angry . Anger is not good,and is not good only for you. PomPom sounds like a funny nickname. Go and POPMPOM your life!!!!!!!!! :))))))))

      • RandomPomPom February 2, 2011 at 1:06 am #

        Rah Rah – LOL

        I am kind of a random pom pom – just cis boom bahing all the way. Thanks for the words of encouragement. You are right! This is just a bump in the road.

    • Bubbies February 1, 2011 at 11:49 pm #

      PomPom! Hey girl! Was wondering today how you were doing. God it’s scary how you’re just the same as me, we’re doing wonderful, and starting to marvel at how well we’re coping and then BAM the little killer hurt snake strikes without warning and makes us wonder if we are getting anywhere.

      For me it was seeing on Facebook that my ex’s new piece is making friends with all our mutual friends, and seeing pictures of her with him, on the farm, riding the horses, basically doing exactly what up until 3 months ago was MY life.

      It’s ok. It’s just a bump in the road. It won’t last. Just ride with it. I sometimes worry that by not thinking about it we’re just hiding our heads in the sand, as we’re going to have to deal with it at some point. Maybe your brain is trying to force you to think about it because you’ve been doing so well at completely putting it out of your mind.

      You’re right, there’s absolutely no point in telling him your feelings. I’ve been struggling with this and slipped a little bit recently when I had to break contact to sort out some practical stuff and ended up bitching at him. But you need to realise it won’t change things. He won’t suddenly have an epiphany and realise how badly he’s treated you. He certainly won’t admit it to you and you’ll probably find he’s just as uncaring and as much of an asshole as he was when you split. And, you will feel worse for spilling it to him; somehow you feel stronger when you manage to refrain. You’ll still feel bad, but you’ll feel ‘powerful’ bad, as opposed to ‘played your cards and lost’ bad.

      If you need to think about the relationship, it’s probably because you need to figure out what you can learn from its breakdown. That should be the only reason you dwell on it. Maybe that’s why you’ve found yourself thinking about it so much.

      You will feel better in a few days. But you know that, right :) ? x

    • Bubbies February 1, 2011 at 11:49 pm #

      PomPom! Hey girl! Was wondering today how you were doing. God it’s scary how you’re just the same as me, we’re doing wonderful, and starting to marvel at how well we’re coping and then BAM the little killer hurt snake strikes without warning and makes us wonder if we are getting anywhere.

      For me it was seeing on Facebook that my ex’s new piece is making friends with all our mutual friends, and seeing pictures of her with him, on the farm, riding the horses, basically doing exactly what up until 3 months ago was MY life.

      It’s ok. It’s just a bump in the road. It won’t last. Just ride with it. I sometimes worry that by not thinking about it we’re just hiding our heads in the sand, as we’re going to have to deal with it at some point. Maybe your brain is trying to force you to think about it because you’ve been doing so well at completely putting it out of your mind.

      You’re right, there’s absolutely no point in telling him your feelings. I’ve been struggling with this and slipped a little bit recently when I had to break contact to sort out some practical stuff and ended up bitching at him. But you need to realise it won’t change things. He won’t suddenly have an epiphany and realise how badly he’s treated you. He certainly won’t admit it to you and you’ll probably find he’s just as uncaring and as much of an asshole as he was when you split. And, you will feel worse for spilling it to him; somehow you feel stronger when you manage to refrain. You’ll still feel bad, but you’ll feel ‘powerful’ bad, as opposed to ‘played your cards and lost’ bad.

      If you need to think about the relationship, it’s probably because you need to figure out what you can learn from its breakdown. That should be the only reason you dwell on it. Maybe that’s why you’ve found yourself thinking about it so much.

      You will feel better in a few days. But you know that, right :) ? x

      • RandomPomPom February 2, 2011 at 1:00 am #

        (((Bubbies))) You are my alter ego! Thanks for the kind words. This all started with an argument with my dad – and it just made me realize how much of my dad I see in HIM, or rather, how I related to HIM was = to how I have always related to my father. When I made the connection, the floodgates of HIM were open, and I’m having a hard time closing them. It just perpetuates itself from one thought to the next, and before you know it, BLAM, I’m angry and sad. I’m not dwelling – it’s just these quick flashes. My apple tree cannot keep up with them and has been ineffective. I know it will pass. Thanks for being here for me!

        XOX

  3. katy3000 February 1, 2011 at 11:29 pm #

    So my ex just emailed me to see how i was doing……and i am just going to ignore…….EMPOWERING!!
    Let him have a taste of his own medicine ha!

    • Ivy February 2, 2011 at 12:54 am #

      Hell yes!

    • 4Get February 2, 2011 at 1:09 am #

      So jealous… I would kill for some contact from my ex right now for that same reason.

      • Lyns_matear February 2, 2011 at 11:24 am #

        im the same, i would love to get a msg so i cant IGNORE!!

        • 4Get February 2, 2011 at 3:29 pm #

          The worst part is that I keep getting little manipulative games, but no direct contact. She’ll appear online on chat services that I have myself hidden on. She’ll have our mutual friends text me when I know they’re around her. She’ll test me over Facebook with messages and posts to other mutual contacts. It’s a very interesting bait-and-hook game that she thinks I’m still interested in playing. She ain’t gettting *&% from me, I’ll tell you that much.

          I would kill for a ballistic cry-fest outside my door one evening or a voicemail… my emotional dogs are hungry. Bring it… I dare you. I’m not the man who would do anything for you any more… I’m smart enough to know I’m better than you now, Ex. That feeling is so empowering when you’ve been dumped and thrown under the bus… even if it doesn’t happen, that consciousness is such a powerful thing… it gets me through those lonely, dark, and cold nights by myself.

          • katy3000 February 2, 2011 at 4:05 pm #

            ‘My emotional dogs are hungry’ … made me giggle :) Brilliant

  4. Lyns_matear February 2, 2011 at 9:58 am #

    Cait im so sorry u are feeling so low. Firstly i cant quite understand why ur friend would call u and tell u all about his new girl. That is not fair and if my friends did that I think i would tape their mouths shut!!
    What kind of person treats u this way, he sounds awful! My ex and i also talked for months after we split and its makes it all the more difficult as i never got over it.
    When i talk to my ex i get anxious, stressed, angry, paranoid, upset, teary, insane! These feeling make me feel out of control so please try not to contact him ok, its only making u feel worse. SCREW his feelings, do things to make u better.
    I too have been at the point where i literally feel like i cant go on, i have been in a heap on the bathroom floor sobbing my heart out alone. I know within myself that i cant go back there now.
    As they say ignorance is bliss, for all i know my ex could be seeing someone but i dont know and if i did find that out it would kill me! You really need to try NC if you can, give it a go, i found it impossible at first but im on day 11 now and im determined.
    I am still struggling….dont get me wrong, i cry everyday, but it makes u feel like u have a little bit of power back from the situation.

    Stay strong :)

    • my life starts now February 2, 2011 at 1:41 pm #

      i agree there is nothing worse than a friend who tells you things i have started to distance myself from some of our friends because they cant help it, one told me that hes not happy with his new woman and that he wants to travel and she doesnt ,that amazed me i have always wanted to travel and he never did the amount of times i wanted to go over seas and he didnt and now i laugh at the idea that he has someone just like he was, another only recently told me that his new woman was telling to her and said she wanted to call me and meet so she could get to know me what the ? and she was sure we would be great friends @#$%. my friend told her im a really strong independent woman and she did not think that would be a good idea. but i still didnt need to hear this it set me back and made me angry.

  5. Ivy February 2, 2011 at 10:36 am #

    I keep doing it to myself …… I can’t block,or hide his posts on the fb. I just can’t . I am too curious and I fee bad about it. I feel like I HAVE to know how he is doing,what does he do and whom he writes on walls and statuses. I just get my anger from there ….. I get angrier and more disappointed with everything I see and don’t like on his page. I am trying to hate him?!?! No, I am …. I am trying to resist the urge to go to the other side of the town and kill this pathetic male in his sleep. What the f….. did he do to deserve all my nerves ?! Every inch of my body is aching and struggling . After a year together ,this is what I deserve ?! To feel hate and anger towards him?! It’s kind of toxic ….i don’t like it. I don’t understand how i am freaking strong and ignorant of like 100 males out there that sometimes try to get me ,and I am weak in front of …..THE WEAKEST MAN I KNOW. He is pathetic and he is making me pathetic now. I hate the fact that he told me he cares and loves me and wants to be in “contact” with me and etc – and what I see for …. 12 days now is no-thing. Not an interest towards me. I see how lied I am now – I see how much he “Cares” .My friends are so pissed off at me that I still think about him and still look on his facebook with the only purpose to pull my trigger and get angry . But same time I feel like it’s too much for me now – I really trusted him . I really really did this time,I was sure he never lies I could see it when he spoke to me. Agh……whatever . Moving on.

    • 4Get February 2, 2011 at 12:42 pm #

      You seriously need to de-sensitize Ivy. It’s so important to let those feelings go… nothing to do with him even matters anymore. I understand your frustration, trust me… my heart was shattered just a short month ago, and I had done nothing to deserve it. Here are some things I want you to try:

      1. In order to move on, you need to let him go completely.
      2. Delete him 100%. If you can’t, you’re holding onto some lingering hope that he comes back to you, and that’s not what you want. You have to do it. Who cares if he notices? Who cares if it hurts him?
      3. Realize that this healing process is not about anybody other than YOU!
      4. Listen to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xLpfbcXTeo8 at least 5 times a day. I have got more than 150 plays out of this puppy since my girlfriend left me, and it’s the most powerful way to start and end my day.
      5. Sounds like you need some more distractions in your life. Show yourself that you’re amazing, and be the best ex-girlfriend in the entire universe. Go out with the girls, hit up Milestones or whatever, and let loose a little bit.

      We’re all here for you, but know that you need to be there for yourself before we can help you. This too shall pass, Ivy, and we both know that already. Keep pushing forward and you’ll get there; maintain your NC and you will succeed.

      • Lyns_matear February 3, 2011 at 10:18 am #

        just listened to the song, LOVE phil collins!!!! very inspirational, thanks for that x

        • 4Get February 3, 2011 at 12:32 pm #

          Day 33, and I still have to listen to it all the time to keep myself sane. Enjoy it!

  6. 4Get February 2, 2011 at 12:46 pm #

    Just went through a similar predicament a month ago. Keep yourself strong however you can, and know that the relationship was not a failure. You had fun, joy, and laughs through the best and the worst days. Further, you learned something about yourself from this relationship. It has taught you a lot about your comforts, limits, wants, and needs. That should make you really appreciate what you had together. Now take that experience and internalize, so that you can appreciate yourself and know how fantastic you are; just the way you were before.

    Day 1 was absolute hell, but the more it hurts, the more you cared. The more it hurts, the better you will be on the flip-side. Day 32 for me… it gets easier, trust me. You’ve made the right moves already… keep it going, you owe it to yourself.

    That first breakup was so hard for me… I got the news on New Year’s Day, after a fantastic romantic evening the night before. I won’t pour my heart out because there’s nothing there, but suffice it to say that I’ve been there – we’ve all been there; it’s why we’re here. Take care of yourself, and stay strong.

    This is all about you: you are the only person who matters, the only person who should get any of your attention, and the only person worth your time. Best,

    4Get

  7. 4Get February 2, 2011 at 12:50 pm #

    Start with the non-medical basics… I avoid medication for my anxiety attacks at all cost. Instead, I focus on the rudiments of life being in order to mitigate my risk and escalation likelihood:

    -Sufficient Sleep
    -Gallons upon gallons of water
    -Adequate nutrition and exercise
    -Plenty of music and meditation (interchangeable)
    -Get your caffeine and other dependencies under control
    -Wake up early and relax in the evenings

    All of these things have worked well at minimizing my anxiety through it all. People always say that their body is their temple. I would further add that my room is my sanctuary. Make your room a comfortable place for you by adding posters, cleaning regularly, having everything in order, doing whatever it takes to make house and apartment feel like home.

  8. Emerald_Turqouise February 2, 2011 at 1:26 pm #

    I cant accept that he will not be part of my life anymore. If he isnt, I have nothing in my life. Im scared. Whats the sense of life? I feel so empty. I know all the articles on here that help you to love yourself, to set life goals & to find inner happiness. But right now I cant accept and move on. I feel too terrible without him.

    • 4Get February 2, 2011 at 1:52 pm #

      Hey there,

      It’s hard and it hurts, but you’re going to have to do whatever it takes to push onward. Cry, cry, and cry some more. The more you cry, the more you will come out stronger and with your head up. Reach out to your closest friends and family members to get the help you need, and keep writing on here!

      Accepting that it’s over is probably the highest hurdle you need to jump over, so take your time. It’s not an easy thing, and because each relationship is unique, we can never completely understand what you’re going through. But here’s what we do know:

      You are a beautiful, awesome, and fantastic person. People are attracted to you, and you are attracted to people. You stayed true to yourself and you know what you need to do to become the person you were before you met him. Do everything you can to keep this in mind. Empower yourself knowing that you will love again, but that in order to do that, you must keep pushing through the storm and accept the way things are.

      Do not break your no-contact – it is all you have going for you. Be strong, take care of yourself, and keep writing on here. We’re all conscious already that you will come out of this much stronger, and we’re so excited to see your progress and development. Rest assured that it will get so much easier – I’m on day 32 myself. Be well,

      4Get

    • Luke February 2, 2011 at 3:58 pm #

      I’ve been asking myself a question lately.

      “Why do I place so much importance on the notion of a relationship and having someone in my life. Why do I feel I NEED it so bad sometimes?”

      Emerald, I understand where your at I really do and my heart goes out to you sweetheart. But try to take a second a think about the time when you didn’t have a partner, when you did things for you and enjoyed things with just you, it wasn’t so bad right?

      Sure it may not be ideal thinking about it now but just remember that you have more then nothing…you’ve got YOU.

      I’m at a point now where I’ve been grieving my loss for 6 months now and I’m just wondering why do I use so much of my energy thinking about not being in a relationship anymore…?

      My answer: No damn idea! Ha!
      We’re all good Emerald. We’re all good :)

      • Lyns_matear February 3, 2011 at 9:25 am #

        wow luke great answer! and so so so true
        I have wasted 3 months on this CRAP and i too wonder why, and i too have NO IDEA haha
        I think we all come to a point where we just simply cant go on as we are, we cant cry ourselves to sleep every nite, we cant have panic attacks over them, we cant not eat, we cant not sleep, we cant keep torturing our family and friends with it all……you cant live like that.
        Dont get me wrong i think i have a little cry most days but im just trying to not romanticise what we had, thats the killer for me, thinking all the good things even tho there were probably many more bad things in our relationship.

        • Mandah February 3, 2011 at 2:01 pm #

          You took the thoughts right out of my head Lyns. I’m 7 months into our breakup and while the feelings aren’t nearly as strong as they were 7 months ago, not a day goes by that I don’t think about him. I fantasize and romanticize also. That’s what I’m missing-the fantasy of me and him. WHy can’t I get it through my thick head that he’s a different (worse) person now and that our relationship was not all that I’m making it out to be. We had more worse times that good times I feel. I was always worrying about what he was doing, where he was, who he was with…so what the hell am i missing? It sure isn’t those feelings. The best thing to do IS focus on the bad things he did to you? If you keep thinking about the good times (like i’ve done) it will bring you back and make it harder to move on. Accept it for what it is and things will be easier. I promise!

  9. Ivy February 2, 2011 at 5:10 pm #

    I am crying for the first time in 2 weeks …….. He just removed the “in a relationship ” status…..I kinda feel …….horrible. I saw he “liked” some chicks photos …… and I just make his news to “hide” from my news feed…… Oh god…… It freaking hurts……… I AM SO SO SO SO MUCH BETTER THAN HIM IN EVERY WAY!!!!!!!!!! I AM BEAUTIFUL AND SMART AND I SHOULD NO CRY OVER A FOOL LIKE THAT…… PISSED OFF……. PEOPLE I AM FEELING PAIIIIIN :(((((((((

    • katy3000 February 2, 2011 at 8:06 pm #

      Delete him Ivy!!! Or just deactivate your fb for a bit. You are torturing yourself and hun i know how it feels believe you and me…….trust me. One time when i knew his facebook password (little did he know!) he had a sort of flirting affair with a girl they were messaging each other on fb. They even meet up. He wouldn’t have dreamt i ever knew but i literally sat there for two weeks pressing the refresh button. It was sickening to see him talk to another girl in such a flirty way it was horrendous. It is so soul destroying. But you have to cut it out. Just go with the I DON’T GIVE A **** attitude. Fake it till you make it hun!!! And yes your are so much better than him, he knows you will be seeing what he is up to on fb he probably WANTS you to see that he ‘liked’ some girls photo, DO NOT LET HIM GET TO YOU, its probably what he wants!!

      • Ivy February 2, 2011 at 10:35 pm #

        Oh god…….. I feel so angry and sad at the same time even after 2 weeks of being single. And just today did he remove that freakin in a relationship thing that bugged me so much …… I AM GOING CRAZY NOW!!!!!!! AGRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!! I alreadt hide every news from him ,so i can’t see. I need all the support in the world to get over this ……… f…… I don’t even pay attention to the people that are crushing on me now ….. :(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( …… Oh and …. just……. now all our mutual friends,my ex-co workers know ,and some of them already started with the “what;s gooing on with you and S….” …… They are more friends with me than him,cause i had more contact with them anyway,for a longer period. It sucks …….. GOOOOOOOOOOD I AM ANGRYYYYY I AM frustrated as heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeellllllll!!!!!!! :((((((((((((((((((((((( I really don’t wanna cry……. I feel every single emotion deep deep deeep deepppppppp in my body ………. I must not care for him now. Not ever. Not ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :(((((((((((( I know what i should and shuldn;t do ….. but….. i really need support ……my heart… brutally hurt…..

      • Lyns_matear February 3, 2011 at 9:21 am #

        wow katy i had the same thing…..while we were together my ex was emailing some girl from work that he met online, he wanted to meet up with her, was bitching about me with her, saying sexual things to her and she wasnt the only one, he too had girls on FB that he would flirt with behind my back, when i think of these things its the only time i dont miss him!!
        They dont see anything wrong with it but to me its a form of cheating! Dotn understand how some ppl seem to have no idea how to be faithful :(

        • katy3000 February 3, 2011 at 6:01 pm #

          Yeah totally its awful isn’t it! Where are all the good men lol! Even tho i saw all those horrible flirty emails i STILL took him back afterwards!! I think i just couldn’t bear for them to hook up which i feared they would if i would have split up with him. I was so desperate not to lose him. I agree though when i think of those msgs it really makes me think GOOD RIDDANCE! Because when he is with his next girlfriend and he gets board with her he will do exactly the same to her. Some guys just do not know how to be faithful and emailing is the perfect way not to be found out. I guess i knew deep down that he would never be the guy for me after that. Eugh yuk! Guys like that don’t change

  10. S. February 2, 2011 at 9:08 pm #

    I no longer find it difficult to not contact my ex, at least in the near future. It’s been 5 months, but I still feel some sort of longing, like something is still holding me back, but I don’t know what it is. I have this feeling, that in a few years, someday, I will ( or perhaps wish to) run into my ex, to clear things up, to understand, to make amends? I’m not sure. I think I need closure. Although I did pick myself back up and did go on with my life, something’s missing! I don’t mean closure from my ex necessarily, but just closure. I’m waiting to feel indifferent.

    • Darren February 4, 2011 at 1:18 am #

      OK S. I felt compelled to write about this. I am not sure you will see the response but I wanted to share with you things I have been told recently about.

      A. Closure
      B. Indifference

      First off congratulations for making progress, you are to be commended for this. I have read and experienced many different emotions about “closure”. Who is it for, is there such a thing that is truly tangable? A letter? A conversation? facing them and getting it all out on the table?

      Closure for us is when we close the book and them and open a completely new book for our new lives. Its not something we need from them. I will say in my first divorce I had uresolved things to say (Sorry) that when I had the chance to say them only made matters worse and aided in confusion for both parties. I can honestly now say that the passage of time and me working to move forward and take the high road in every case helped me gain closure in my first divorce. We share a son and we are now “friendly” and I now completely understand I no longer have the kind of love that is needed for a successful marriage with regard to her. When we spoke that one day probably two years ago I thought I did still love her and even told her this. Caught up in the emotion of the moment I mispoke and you know what….no good came from it. It was my guilt talking and trying to make ammends and gain closure. I will always care for her and love her (there are many types of love) but not romantically and this is where I was confused.

      Time perpective and reflection gave me closure in that situation. Now on the other side of things being the dumpee I still seek closure but I know there is nothing I can say, do or tell her that will give it to me. It has to start and stop with me. I have to close the book and open a new one. Only then will I be able to fully offer myself anew. This time I am looking much deeper inside self and trying to effect change with the only person I can reach and have any impact on. ME.

      Indifference is a dangerous place and is said to be the opposite of love. I do not recommend this state of mind to anyone because I believe we must forgive them and ourselves if we are to truly move on.
      If we are loving individuals who don’t wish to be single but share our lives we will always feel that something is missing until we have someone alse we can truly share our lives with. Doesn’t mean we can’t be happy. I look forward to completing my first 6 months (which are said to be the worst and I DO believe this). I am over 3 months in now aand I am finally feeling happier and being more of myself. Not because I no longer, care, no longer cry or feel alone. But because I whistle now, sing more, smile more often and don’t hang my head as much. Small victories are to be celebrated !!!!!

      Celebrate yours!!

      Fletch

      • Astra February 4, 2011 at 11:37 pm #

        Darren, I love your responses. They are so helpful to me. You seem to be an amazing person, and I’m sure you’ll find love again in no time.

  11. Anonymous February 3, 2011 at 2:44 am #

    I am invited to a co-worker’s wedding dinner next weekend and as I know my ex was invited too. I am in dilemma to decide if I should go. I am not sure if he is going and I dont want to find out (I feel heavy to ask about this as dont want to make it so important to me)…but on the other side, I feel bad if I didnt turn up as she is one of the closest co-worker that I have been working with, everybody expects I would be there. I mean I hate to skip something because of him and often I would not able to live my life as I wanna be. However, I know I am not strong enough to see him and his girlfriend again, I am scared to get the grudge feeling again in my stomach….argghh, i wish I could be strong enough for this.
    Need help on your opinion.

    • Affys4u February 3, 2011 at 3:14 am #

      I would not go Infinity. There is no need to put you through that pain. If this person is a close co-worker I would think you could ask them casually if you ex were going…. I can’t imagine what an uncomfortable situation that might put you in and more importantly it’s about you and your no contact…. If you do this it will put you further behind what you have accomplished so far…

      • Anonymous February 3, 2011 at 6:08 am #

        No one knew about his, it was a hidden office romance. They knew we were closed previously but we had stopped talking for long time. People will find weird if I suddenly ask about him.

        • Anonymous February 3, 2011 at 6:57 am #

          Decided to aside the concern if my ex will be going or not, I am tired to let him to control my life. If he is coming alone or with his gf, I will definitely feel something but I guess I am tired to hide away from facing the reality. We live not far away and that could be anytime I would run into them at anywhere. Will face whatever it comes, if that does not kill me, will make grow stronger again.

      • MY LIFE STARTS NOW February 4, 2011 at 9:48 pm #

        I wouldnt go either and I would let your friend now by saying your sorry that you cant attend. Be gentle but firm with your friend its not about anyone else but you.your friend is not going to hold it against you. But it will be one more memory of him that you dont need to beat yourself up over,

  12. Eddie Corbano February 3, 2011 at 8:44 am #

    Again very weird. I’ve put you on “whitelist”… again. I think Disqus is experiencing some problems currently, I’m sure they’ll sort them out soon.

    Sorry.

  13. Eddie Corbano February 3, 2011 at 8:44 am #

    Again very weird. I’ve put you on “whitelist”… again. I think Disqus is experiencing some problems currently, I’m sure they’ll sort them out soon.

    Sorry.

  14. Lyns_matear February 3, 2011 at 9:13 am #

    wow its still so recent for u, considering that u seem to be doing well to be honest. I know what u mean about not being able to sleep, i can sleep most nites now a few months later but sometimes when i do wake in the middle of the nite i think of him a lot and sometimes if i wake up early i cant get back to sleep cause of thoughts of him.
    As much wilpower as it does take to get out of bed, keep doing it!!! Take your days one hour at a time thats what i did.
    Some days are going to be a lot worse than others. Stay strong we are all here for u :)

  15. Ivy February 3, 2011 at 9:24 am #

    God ……. what an …….. ! Hang in there! This is insane …….what arrogant people walk this earth ….. Karma will do it’s job honey. I can imagine how crushed you are but … don’t give up .Don’t give up being stronger

  16. Lyns_matear February 3, 2011 at 10:58 am #

    Went 11 days NC but had to text my ex today in regards to some paperwork we have to sort out, i asked if he had it, he said ‘im posting it to you tomorrow’ and then I STUPIDLY asked how he was!!! Did i get a response….haha yeah right. Why am i wasting my tears over some guy who doesnt even have the decency to reply or ask how i am doing.
    God i am soooooooooo angry, what an asshole!!!
    I hate that some guy who went behind my back with girls, said awful things to me used me after we broke up has this hold over me

    • Ivy February 3, 2011 at 11:46 am #

      Yup. They have it don’t they. Keep healing , stop asking him anything. Just what a jerk …. he obviously,as many others , is moving on without a single drop of regret ,love ,sadness in his mind , and this bugs us so much – because we FEEL. Well,I feel yes. You feel. But guess what – this is good for us,because we are learning along the way that such low low low low low lifes do not deserve us. Dot.

    • Mandah February 3, 2011 at 1:29 pm #

      It’s hard. It’s very hard. But you have to come to terms with the fact that he just doesn’t care. I know how hard that is. I struggled for a long time with that. I just didn’t understand how this man, well BOY, that I once loved could all of a sudden make a 180degree change and not care about me anymore. It hurts. When you give so much to someone only to get nothing in return in the end, it sucks. But better days are ahead and you need to let this loser go. You were kind in asking him how he was, but he doesn’t care-which means you shouldn’t either! Hang in there girl.

  17. Pelican February 3, 2011 at 2:13 pm #

    I would be interested to get the take from the guys who are on this site and who have initiated a breakup in the past for the simple reason that the generalisation says that male and females are wired differently when it comes to breakups and from what I have read up on it I would assume that this is the case but it would be interesting to hear from you. If a guy decides that he no longer wants in the relationship – 1. why would he want to remain your friend and 2. if you are not initiating contact, why would he text, phone etc. to say “just to say hello”. If someone isn’t worthwhile being in a relationship (even though they say that they love you!) with, why the need for friendship or for contact ? What’s behind that ?

    • Ivy February 3, 2011 at 3:07 pm #

      Cowardness is what it is.

      • Har30 February 3, 2011 at 5:44 pm #

        Male ego…they want to stay in touch with the pleasure bonny they always had…..even if they are out of our lives….they wanna make sure that no one better than them steps in our lives….REMEMBER “Men want you when you stop wanting them”

        • katy3000 February 3, 2011 at 7:22 pm #

          That is sooo true he ALWAYS wants me when he can’t have me!!!

        • my life starts now February 4, 2011 at 9:38 pm #

          or when they have a fight with there new girl.I havent found a new relationship yet and not looking but i know this will happen when I do, it happens to them all.

  18. pelican February 3, 2011 at 2:21 pm #

    Sorry to hear your news. You WILL feel better, just process all the emotions at this point and take care of yourself ! I found it quite useful to make a list of all the bad things I didn’t like about him/the relationship. I know its difficult at this point when all you can think of are the good times, but I am sure there were enough things to make a small list which you can add to along the way. When I was feeling down, I would take a glance at the list and focus on those items for a bit. It does help.

  19. Mandah February 3, 2011 at 2:27 pm #

    There have been a few times that I’ve sent him a facebook message putting all my feelings out there. THankfully I know his facebook password because after I send the message, many times I realize how stupid it was and how much it really doesn’t matter. So I go and delete the message before he reads it. Now, I need to STOP A. sending him messages and B. logging onto his facebook. WHEN YOU GO LOOKING FOR SOMETHING, YOU USUALLY END UP FINDING SOMETHING! I’m better off NOT knowing what’s going on in his life and just thinking in my head that he’s an idiot and one day he’ll realize it. Whether he does realize it or not, I REALIZE it for him. One day…he will see. One day when he MATURES, he will see how badly he treated me and how much I didn’t deserve that. One day he will see that me crying for him these past 7 months has only been because I loved him. I wasted TOOOOOOOOO much time and TOOOOOO many tears. NO MAN IS EVER WORTH CRYING OVER! I will find love again. And I know that when he dates again, he will be the same lying cheating scum bag he was when he was with me. I feel bad for his next girlfriend, I mean VICTIM. I don’t forsee him dating anytime soon, just because he isn’t ready (as he has said-which he REALLY isn’t) but I’m not dumb and I know if the right girl comes along he will get it together. I also know that I was an idiot for putting up with all the crap that I did and i was too good for him. Any other girl that puts up with him and his ish is just as dumb. It will be amusing if he can find another girl to do that. He’ll never change. He hasn’t changed yet so I think that’s just the way he is. Oh well. HE IS NOT MY PROBLEM ANYMORE!

    • Darren February 4, 2011 at 12:18 am #

      Only you can break your addiction to the past………

      I have alot of faith in you Amandah…it is time my friend.

      Do this for me!

      Stand up with your back against the wall. Close your eyes. Make tight fists and cross them over your chest….tight fists. Start to countdown slowly….very slowly…..b r e a t h e… slowly as you start the countdown. Imagine you are letting your fists hold on to him at one but slowly unfurl your arms and fists to expose open hands at your side. As you let your hands open and drop to your sides at 7 imagine him falling from your hands…out of sight….let your mind escape your addiction! Hold on to that mental image of him falling away from you :-) ease your mind if only for a few moments.

      YOU let him drop, you have that power over your mind.

      • my life starts now February 4, 2011 at 9:30 pm #

        Darren where does your wisdom come from? Im inspired and amazed! I will be trying this one.

  20. katy3000 February 3, 2011 at 6:21 pm #

    5 Days NC now. I know its not much but its prob the most ive ever gone! Does anyone else get scared that ignoring them will make them go for someone else, just to get back at you sorta thing. I know it shouldn’t matter anyway!

    • 4Get February 3, 2011 at 6:42 pm #

      Yeah, who cares? NC is great, regardless of whether you want your ex to crawl back to you or not! You send a strong message without sending any message at all with NC: I have moved on, I don’t need you anymore, and I can do better for ME!

      Enjoy the single life, and know that us single chaps (much like myself) will find you much more attractive as a hot and headstrong single lady than a depressed and hoping single lady. ;)

      • katy3000 February 3, 2011 at 7:20 pm #

        Talking sense guys!! Thanks….. NC is the way forward!!!!!

    • Mandah February 3, 2011 at 6:50 pm #

      YES! i have felt that way. That was half the reason I would cave in and maintain some kind of contact. I wanted to still be present in his mind so he would think about me and not WANT anyone else. This is wishful thinking, of course. I always had this plan to leave a good impression instilled in his head, but we would end up getting into an argument so it never worked out as planned. You have to not think like that though. You are right, it shouldn’t matter. Regardless of whether you ignore him or not, he’s going to move on. (I’ve learned this) It sucks, but NC is the best way to go. Don’t think that because you are ignoring him he’s going to find someone else. Even if he does, you are better off. Chances are that person is just a rebound anyways. You’ll do okay! Just remember that NC is a GOOD thing.

  21. Astra February 3, 2011 at 7:25 pm #

    The final breakup happened yesterday. This was a short relationship, but he was so good to me and I totally fell for him. However, I was not ready to be in a relationship, and I kept backing up and this hurt him. He broke up with me over the fact that I’m still not over my ex, then we got back together and I broke up with him. We got back together yet again, and after one wonderful weekend together, all my insecureties came back and I expressed them … at the start of the conversation I wanted to break up with him but then, after I let it all out, I wanted to take it all back. That was the final straw for him, and he broke it off for good; in his words “the door is shut and bolted!” I know I am truly not ready for a relationship, and I don’t even know for sure if he was right for me, but it still hurts so much. Now I feel like I’m trying to get over two guys at the same time: my ex of seven years that I was already not over, and my new boyfriend that just broke up with me. I know this all sounds real messed up, but I’m really not crazy. lol. I just came out of a seven year relatinship that was very hurtful, and although the guy was abusive, I have the hardest time totally putting him and the relationship behind me. This new guy was wonderful, but I just wasn’t ready to commit to him. I’m really going to try to fully heal this time without jumping into a new relationship. The hardest part is that I hurt this new boyfriend of mine so much that he totally had to dump me, but I’m pretty sure we would have been happy together if I’d been at a better state emotionally. It’s so hard to not keep kicking myself and thinking of what could have been. It’s also hard because I really trust him, but I broke his trust by my emotional instability and I know he’ll never want me back. Now to keep up the no contact with both exes and heal this broken heart …

  22. Astra February 3, 2011 at 8:05 pm #

    Yes, I know that being with someone for seven years can make me addicted to them. But it’s more than that. I met him when I was a teenager and fantacized about being with him for ten years before we finally got together. He is a narcisist, conserned only with himself and his needs, and I was always only an extention of his needs and a way for him to get what he wants in life. Unfortunately, this uglyness comes packaged in a beautiful smile and enough charm and intellegence to catch anyone in his web. He also has so many qualities I admire, such as determination, ambition, and loyalty. He would never cheat on me, and he always reminded me that even though he has burst of anger in which he treats me like shit, I would never find anyone better than him because all guys either act like he does, or they get drunk, or they cheat, etc. I don’t really know if this is true or not, but both of the long term relationships I’ve been in were abusive. My father was also an abusive alcoholic. Anyway, one thing that makes it so hard to get over him is the fear that I will never find someone that I am as attracted to or that is attracted to me. He often told me things about my body that he thinks are unatractive, and I just think other men would see me the same way. I’m so afraid no worthwhile man will ever truly love me. I take care of myself… I am in shape and I have nice skin and eyes, but for some reason I never feel good enough. I guess this is all part of why I can’t let go. I can’t let go of how passionate he gets when he wants be back. He always went through phases with me where he’d treat me so wonderful for a while that I’d be totally hooked, then he’d do something to totally destroy my trust. This was an endless cycle until I decided to end the relationship. However, I still haven’t fully accepted that it’s over, and my inability to let it go has already ruined my chances of having a good relationship with a good man I became involved with. How do I totally let him go when I still don’t know if I’ll ever be as attracted to someone else. I’m so afraid no one else will be right for me. I guss I still love him and somehow I forget the bad and remember only the good. Please help …

    • Darren February 3, 2011 at 8:51 pm #

      Astra

      Thanks for sharing. I did the same in an effort to stop the bleeding…I became friends and more with someone but quickly learned I was not ready and decided to end things myself. Don’t beat yourself up….believe me I would never lie to you….you WILL be attracted to someone else, learn to love again. Right now you have to force focus on your recovery…….ask yourself some questions.

      Do it in the mirror and be completely honest with yourself…….

      1. Would it be in my best interest to have him back?
      2. Do you want to go through this kind of hurt again?

      Our minds can become a torture chamber of addictions to the past….memories, experiences, the problem is you can’t live there because you will die if you stay there. You have to make a choice.

      Decide to live here not back there. Decide to not hate. Decide to work on yourself. Decide you can always improve and grow and do better.
      Decide to allow this tough recovery to go through all the proper steps in order to heal.

      Let me illustrate: You are in a horrible car accident, end up in the hospital and the doctor comes in; “Astra well you are fortunate to be alive. But I must tell you if you want to make a FULL recovery you face intense physical therapy that will last 6-12 months. After this you can lead a normal life be as fit or perhaps even more fit than you were before. You will have to commit fully to this program though because if you stop early or do not follow the therapists instructions you could have permanent disabilities. The choice is yours”

      Commitment – Yes or No

      I hope this helps your mind to reason on something other than your pain for a moment. I share your pain and I am very sorry for your loss.

      Fletch

      • Astra February 3, 2011 at 10:01 pm #

        Darren, thank you so much for this kind, insightful, and honest message. It touched my heart and brought tears to my eyes. Thank you.

        • Darren February 4, 2011 at 12:02 am #

          You are most welcome..I am glad to help if only for a moment :-)

  23. Ivy February 3, 2011 at 10:28 pm #

    Thank you.Thank youuuuu!

  24. Ivy February 3, 2011 at 10:36 pm #

    Guess what – I hid his posts from my wall so now I can’t see a sh*t of his depressing postst and jerky comments on people’s walls. I feel better already and even got my waiting cue of men restarted.Bad thing is i never really asked for that! Some of them are my ex-co-workers and they must have heard of the brake up (me and the ex worked the same place for more than 8 months) So last night they bombarded me with questions “why when who ” Err…….annoying.Whatever. I don’t mind the attention of course ….. feels good to be liked you know,after a jerk like that i need to boost my self confidence. But not even close to be ready for the next horse-of-the-prince-charming. If the prince comes – puh-lease,I will marry you! Till that time…..
    So I don’t really care who he posts nice comments and whom pics he likes. You feel fine without me – your bad,buddy. You moved on – I will move on. That pretty face can’t be sad. But my heart is too loving and too nice,shame on me. You know you don’t deserve anything good( at least not anytime soon),I told you in the eye,and you looked sad as hell because you know I am right.
    No contact , no peeking . Well, I will do my best not to peek and if i do i Allow myself once a day . And I hope it will get less and less and less…… meaning zero peeking .
    To all the horses out there – MOVE OVER AND LET OUR PRINCES COME ALONG. ( male version – to all the female dogs out there move over and let the princesses come along! Nice,huh? )

    • Darren February 4, 2011 at 12:01 am #

      Ivy, as usual you make me smile after cringing….but today more smiles :-)

    • Goddesskai February 4, 2011 at 11:23 pm #

      Hear Hear Ivy. Keep strong sister.

  25. katy3000 February 3, 2011 at 11:27 pm #

    Hey Immy, basically you HAVE to do NC if he was a decent guy and wasn’t messing with your head then maybe you could part with out ‘feeling rude’. Fact is hunni with guys that mess with your head and have control over you don’t deserve your time of day. Of course he wants to see you and still calls you because he doesn’t want you to move on. He wants to keep you hooked, mine is exactly the same.

    And as for him saying he doesn’t like bits of your body…he is trying to destroy your confidence and put you down so you feel crap about yourself, please do not listen.

    He is game playing with you and the only way out of the vicious cycle is NC.

    He sounds like he has been very rude to you, for example, i’ll call you tomorrow and then doesn’t call, so give him a taste of his own medicine. You have got to show him that he has no power over you no matter how you feel inside.
    Please do yourself a favour hun and NC if he doesn’t want a relationship with you then his loss!

    • Darren February 4, 2011 at 12:05 am #

      EXACTLY TOTALLY RIGHT!!!!!

  26. katy3000 February 3, 2011 at 11:39 pm #

    **I’m really sorry that bit about ‘the body comments’ i must have read that in someone else’s post and got confused. I really wanted to reply to you but i’m really tired and i have just read a few posts at once. So apologies if you got confused. The reply is to you though Immy. Hope it helps!

  27. Darren February 4, 2011 at 12:20 am #

    You don’t need luck just resolve. Great attitude…keep it up!!

  28. BStrong February 4, 2011 at 4:49 am #

    I am so angry at myself! I just can’t tell you how NC is so critical. I am so angered right now!!!!! What a fool I have been. NC for 6 months, I contact, then it goes awful, then another 3 months, NC then I contact to ease my guilt of what I said… Now this person wants to go out and do stuff, I ask, why did they block my calls and text (BTW I NEVER called) and they say well they realized I never called but they did not want any connection, and risk of that They send me an email today explaining this and how difficult it was, yeah, well now they want to remain in contact and do stuff again together as friends. BS What is this person a lunatic???? I am not responding. I just can’t… I am not some puppet…Just reading what I put hear makes me look like such a fool! I come to this site because I can relate to so many of you and our issues and I want to tackle this mess myself. It is so destructive! I know that it can only get better and by that I mean NO CONTACT period!!! When will I learn this??? How long and how much time will I was anymore???

    • Darren February 4, 2011 at 3:33 pm #

      Well the fact that you realize and are taking a stand to have no contact after learning some hard lessons says alot. Be happy in pressing forward. Its ok to get tough with yourself. I have to beat myself up pretty much daily but its ok, its what I need. No one else can be tough for me.

      We have to want to take the high road and not get caught up in all of it all over again. You will do great, you have all the successful experience and know how already to make it permanent.

      Thanks for sharing!

      Fletch

      • BStrong February 4, 2011 at 4:50 pm #

        Thanks Fletch for your words of wisdom. Let me just say that they have been some very very hard lessons and we can only press forward, we have no other option do we? I wish I can say I have all of the successful experience but the only thing that makes it that is NO Contact, period!!! It is so not easy though. I just need to remember that being in that was WORSE than how I feel now, I just have to keep reminding myself this.

  29. Cami February 4, 2011 at 5:41 am #

    I am approaching 100 days of NC. I dreamed about him about 9 days ago, and I started having feelings for him, and I started talking about him to friends in a loving way…reminiscing about the good times. For a couple of days, I lost sight of my goals, and I stopped working out. I sat around moping, but then I forced myself to get back to working on my projects…bought a day planner, and I worked out really hard today…cardio and weight training. I feel really good right now. I thought to myself for the first time, today, that I can live without him. I remembered how broken up I was in the beginning. How my chest hurt every time I thought about him leaving me. It felt like I couldn’t breathe, and I had never felt so much pain in my life. I cried once for four days in a row–lying around the house…sick. And, I remember watching every video on youtube about how to get over a break-up, and I read everything I could on the Internet. I really can’t believe it! I actually believe that I can live without him, and I just couldn’t imagine it before. I thought he was going to be my husband. I thought we were a perfect fit, but now–he’s fading away….

    • Lyns_matear February 4, 2011 at 8:50 am #

      Cami thanks so much for posting this. What u described going thru was exactly like me, i too googled EVERYTHING under the sun about break ups….and still do sometimes. I too spent days and days not going to work, just crying crying crying not eating or sleeping.
      Reading this is soooooo inspirational cause it shows us that we WILL be ok. Even tho sometimes it doesnt feel like it we will all survive.
      Good on u :)

    • 4Get February 4, 2011 at 12:02 pm #

      Rock on Cami! I did the same thing. I must have listened to hundreds of songs on Youtube, downloaded dozens of books, and reached out to handfuls of people and professionals. And you know what? It was all worth it… I came out a stronger person who can hold his head high knowing that the person who left me could not possibly be the person I wanted her to be. At one particular moment around day 24 or day 25, I realized that I wanted back a person who didn’t exist anymore. Further, everything left that she had going for her was something I could get from someone else. It was a powerful realization! Thanks for sharing, and congrats on the milestone; day 35 for me. Yes, I’m still counting, but I’m no longer hurting or longing.

    • Darren February 4, 2011 at 3:28 pm #

      That is really inspiring Cami, 100 days is epic. I can tell as the weeks and months role on that I will be the same after 100 days as well. Slowly fading is the best and you are doing good things for your mind and body by working out hard and focusing on staying busy.

      Thanks for sharing!

      Fletch

  30. 4Get February 4, 2011 at 12:06 pm #

    Stick with it under all circumstances; you will come out of this so much stronger, trust me. I missed three of her big presentations, her birthday, and an achievement ceremony. Disappear off the face of the earth, it’s no longer about him. He will obviously plague your thoughts and mind and body and heart for days and weeks, but you must do everything in your power to not contact him in any way, shape, or form. Seeing their name on your contact lists won’t help either – ensure you delete him (as hard as it is, it will help so much) from every contact method you have! Stay strong, sister… we’re all here to help, and we’ve all been there. If you want to read my story and empathize, go find my original post on here from January 26th. You will see how much I’ve suffered, how far I’ve come, and how much stronger a person I am without her now. All the best my dear!

  31. my life starts now February 4, 2011 at 12:37 pm #

    31 days of no contact was feeling strong. Then today there was a funny message left on my phone I thought it was ex I nearly had anxiety attack, does that tell me something or what? why would I want to be around someone who makes me feel like that? I realise I kept waiting for the next kick in the gut the next thing he was going to do or say to hurt me, while still crapping on about how he loves me. Hopefully one day I Will forgive but I will never forget and I never want anything to do with him again kids or no kids we even have a grandchild together and a new one on the way. But I realising its ok to be selfish I spent the last 23 years giving. If everyone else has a problem with that its their problem not mine.Im not saying that I wont be at special events in their lives but I will choose if I go and how long I stay noone else I will also make sure there is someone there from my family (mother sister ect to give me extra strength).I read everything I could find too, dont want to admit it but even became addicted to my daily star signs, for some reason they give me hope for the future at the start all I was doing was looking for answers to fix my relationship.I am still adicted to them,I think I replaced one addiction with another and not a very healthy one either.I also ordered Christian carters DVD collection but Im really not ready for them Im not strong enough to look for a new relationship they are great DVDs and I will go back to them later when Im ready at the time I really thought I was ready, I found they made me more anxious,I kept looking at how it would help me get my ex back ,and thats not what they are about. have just ordered a collection of books that Eddie recomended reading cant wait, dont know which one to start with till I get them then I know the right one will just call to me. Also ordered a book why men love bitches this is about standing up for yourself believing in yourself and not being a door mat and looking back now I realised I did that my whole life to keep the peace.Dare I say it was I heading for this by being neady and by not thinking I was worthy enough to follow my dreams and have what I wanted.This has been a long journey over the last 15 months of contact NC then contact again against my better judgement.and I can honestly say no contact is the best thing that could have happened to me I starting to concentrate on myself healing my self finding my self, I think Im even starting to be happy again? My NC extends further than that I am finding now that Im starting to have less contact with some friends because they talk about him when im there and I dont want to know the less I know the better.Im a bit worried that I cant avoid everyone for ever I will eventually run into the woman he had the affair with and I will eventually run into his new one as well but I wont be saying a thing just keep walking Its a small town and I do have some pride. before christmas I did run into the affair womans husband and he pretended like I didnt exist. I think this was because they were friends of ours and he felt embarised that his marriage made it through this mess and mine ended thats how I would have felt anyway i cant imagine how hard it was for him because when I confronted her at the time It happened she said in front of her husband and me how much she loved my ex and how she wanted him to leave me and go to her, looks like she didnt win either ????? his marriage is not out of the woods yet the just had a band-aide baby and that never works , I know he has said to other friends that he doesnt think he can trust her again,(see why I letting go of some of my friends — small town) very few relationship come through this successfuly all the ones Ive known break up 5- 10 years later when the person who was cheated on ends it because they spent years walking on egg shells trying to get things back the way they were. Sorry about the novel but I just needed to get it out there.

  32. Darren February 4, 2011 at 3:45 pm #

    Hoping

    You will get through it, minute by hour by day by month. You are right it hurts deeply when we are not loved back but in that case we are better off anyway finding love that is reciprocated and more someday.
    Post here often and use us to vent to cry on and be happy with.

    Fletch

  33. Darren February 4, 2011 at 3:53 pm #

    Archibald, stay strong bro. Thanks for posting and let me just say you asked the biggest question we all need to ask ourselves; ” would I be able to take her back after this?” Now let me add another. Do you ever want to go through this again? Just consider the fact that it could happen all over again, she could leave you again.

    let me know what you think.

    Fletch

    • Archibald February 4, 2011 at 4:51 pm #

      Well I have my answer, she emailed back firstly saying she couldn’t make the trip to see me. I replied saying we could meet somewhere between where the two of us live. She replied saying she’s at home for less than a week and is busy most days, and that it would be too damaging emotionally to see me. What the hell does she thinks going to happen when we go back to college and we have to see each other every day?

      At least I know its over now, there is no going back now. I know what I have to do now, I’ve accepted it but I can’t stop thinking about her, what she’s doing who she’s going to sleep with, and on top of that seeing her when we go back to college.

      Dealing with all this is so hard, when I go back I have my final exams for my entire three year course, how the hell can I concentrate on whats being taught when I have her sat across the room from me smiling and laughing like everything is fine, hearing through the grape vine of who she slept the previous weekend?

      What gets me the most is the cowardly way she dealt with this, she crapped over our entire relationship in the break up email, she doesn’t even have the guts to meet me and tell me to my face, probably because she knows she’d buckle and go back with me. “I’ve only ever slept with five people…” she said in one email, thats great to hear so when were back at college she’ll be getting her fill of new blokes and guess who has front row centre? Sigh.

      I’m just tired of feeling like this. I’ve made a list of things to do to keep myself busy, seeing friends, working out, playing rugby, it helps but not allot, the whole time theres a cloud of thoughts in my head about the whole situation. I want to be over her, I want to not care christ I just want to be happy with myself again.

      • Astra February 4, 2011 at 11:22 pm #

        Wow, that’s tough. Reading your siguation helps me not feel as bad about mine, although I guess we’re all in pain so we’re all in the same boat. Imagining the person we love with someone else is always the killer. I wish for you that you didn’t have to see her again. I don’t know what I can say that would be helpful, but I feel for you.

  34. Darren February 4, 2011 at 4:09 pm #

    I was using physical therapy as an illustration, the time strictly depends on you. It can be a really healthy thing to make new friends and open yourself up a bit. I have some very strong opinions on new relationships getting serious and when its ok for that to happen and the truth is no one but you will know when that time is right. My therapist believes 1 yr is needed to fully recover from divorce/breakup and he may be correct but I believe I will be dating this summer at the 6 months mark. I am over 3 months in and slowly leaving her behind. I don’t need someone else to be happy, I choose to be happy with someone else and there is a HUGE difference. I choose to not stay single, I want to be with someone.

    Now here is my warning…….I got too close too fast with someone after my breakup within 2 months and it was too soon and now I can’t go back to being just her friend and alarm bells went off so it would have made sense for me to stay distanced for longer (though it still would not have been right with her). At the 3 month mark I feel myself breathing again and looking up again. By the time the divorce is final I may be seriosuly dating.

    Results may vary, just don’t push too hard and let your heart take over….try to NOT do what I did and go s l o w.

    Hope this helps :-)

    Fletch

  35. Astra February 5, 2011 at 12:00 am #

    Day 2, and my stomach has been in knots and I’ve been on the verge of tears all day. I’ve decided to learn something new about myself or about life each day and post it here. So, here goes today’s lesson:

    I never thought of myself as an addict. I always thought I was a strong person because I deal with my pain without drinking or anything like that. But I just realized I’m not that strong at all. I’m addicted to relationships. Not deep and meaningful ones, as I have few of those, but just relationships that distract my heart from my pain. I post my profile or go out to flirt with guys just to feel I’m desirable or attractive. I’ve decided this is worse than drinking ’cause it does more damage than drinking ever could. When you drink, the pain is still there when the person wakes the next day, but they haven’t emotionally added to it. Seeking new relationships to lessen my pain only causes me more pain.

    It hurts me so, so much to be alone. When I realize how alone I am in the world I feel like I’m sinking deeper and deeper into something … or into nothing. I feel on the verge of tears all day, and I see nothing really as worth living for. I feel like I’m worthless. It’s as though all my accomplishments don’t matter because no one cares. No one is here to love me and care for me. This hurts so much … sometimes more than I think I can bare.

    I realized that I’ve never been able to be totally alone, without being some kind of relationship, for any amount of time. I don’t know how to make myself happy. I don’t even know who I or what I want most of the time because my focus is always someone else. I know if this doens’t change, I’ll somehow end up in another disfunctional relationship. I’m determined to not date anyone for a while, and if my depression gets too bad I’ll just have to bare it.

    So, today’s lesson: I was born alone and will die alone. I need to find myself, get to know who I am, and learn to love myself.

    • Anonymous February 5, 2011 at 1:25 am #

      Stay strong, my dear. You’re doing great so far. Continue the NC and your healing process. Cry as long as you need to; we’ve all been there, and there’s nothing weak, wrong, or immoral about crying. I cried on and off for three days, and I wish I had given it a whole week. The more pain you hold back, the longer the process will take for you. Let it out; your brain’s chemical processes require it for desensitization.

      I know it hurts. You can’t breathe, you can’t do anything… it’s life-shattering and completely heartbreaking. I’m day 34 of NC – was totally just there, trust me. It’s this pain that teaches you things about yourself, it’s this pain that makes you a stronger and better person, and it’s this pain that shows you just how amazing a person you are. Damn right, I said it, and I’ll say it again because you didn’t believe me. It’s this pain that shows you just how amazing a person you are. Please continue to reach out to your friends and family, they’re there to help you. We’re obviously here to help out too when we can. :) You’re hardly alone though… even if you are single or lonely, this doesn’t make you alone.

      Sure, I’m single, and a little lonely from time to time, but I’m FAR from alone. Same goes for you:

      You matter to people. You’re a loved family member, a trusted friend, an esteemed co-worker, a fellow classmate to hundreds of people. These people give a damn: they buy you lunch sometime, you carpool, or you workout at the local gym together perhaps. You may have pushed these people aside over the past few weeks, but bring them back into your life again. Prove to yourself that you’re frickin awesome and beautiful. Keep your head up strong, and don’t be scared. Be the best person who you can be, and you will find someone who can appreciate it… whether it’s tomorrow morning, or in ten years, you should be just as excited and thrilled at the prospect of this individual.

      You know how they behave, you know how they make you feel, and you know just how incredible they are. And what’s great about this person, when you find them, is that they’ll feel the same things about you. And that, my dear, is the relationship and the person you want to be with. Once you can learn to love yourself, put every drop of enthusiasm and care into pursuing this person. Neither of us knows what they look like, where they live, or what it is that they will do when they see you, but know that said person is out there.

      • Astra February 5, 2011 at 1:55 am #

        Thank you, 4Get. I really needed to hear this. It helps to be reminded. My heart hurts so much it’s hard to believe I’ll ever feel normal again, but I know it will happen. God, it really hurts…

  36. Eddie Corbano February 5, 2011 at 10:16 am #

    Hi Guys,

    This page is loading really slow due to the fact that it has over 2810!!! comments.

    Unfortunately I have to close the comment thread now, but please continue to post post in the new thread here:

    No-Contact Help: How To Fight The Urge To Contact Your Ex – Part 2

    Your friend,
    Eddie