No-Contact Help: How To Fight The Urge To Contact Your Ex

by Eddie Corbano

2,630

The concept of no-contact after a relationship break up is very similar to the main concept of alcohol or drug rehab, which is to avoid the very thing that you are addicted to.

In our case this means – get your butt as far away from your Ex as you can.

I’m sure you are having a pretty rough time with this. I certainly did.

There are times when you miss your Ex so much that it literally hurts. Picking up the phone and calling them would be so easy, wouldn’t it?

But would it also ease your pain?

No, it won’t.

Trust me, it won’t. On the contrary.

I can tell you something. There is NOTHING that your Ex can say to you that would abate your pain. They can only make it worse.

You really don’t want to know how they are doing, (it is really more than you can handle), and nothing that you are doing is going to impress or endear them to you.

Period.

What does No-Contact mean?

No-Contact means absolutely NO CONTACT with your Ex, either personally, by phone, email or short message. It means NO Facebook/MySpace-Stalking, NO Phone-Harassing and NO parking/driving by in front of their house, (more on this in my free newsletter).

Big NO, NO, NO to any of that.

But what should you do when it’s getting really tough, when missing your Ex is so unbearable that you are about to call them?

There are 3 proven methods that work in such a situation:

1. Distraction

The human brain can only concentrate on one thing at a time. So, if you are about to contact your Ex, have a list of prepared distractions ready which you can put in action immediately. Best are things where your brain is involved, where it has to figure out something, like research on a certain topic, quizzes, puzzles, etc.

The more work your brain has to do, the better the distraction.

2. Call A Friend

When you are close to calling your Ex, call a close friend or relative instead. They will talk you out of doing so.

3. Post HERE!

Let ME be your No-Contact Buddy.

Post in the comment section below:

Your No-Contact Count (in days)
Everything you want to say to your Ex, just yell it out! (No profanities please)

DO NOT CONTACT that Ex – put it all here! Unload all your anger and longing.

By sharing your No-Contact struggle with the LovesAGame Community, two things will happen:

You will find that the need for contacting your Ex will be much less
The replies of other readers will give you hope and strength

Having said that, now it’s your turn. Post below and let’s help each other.

Your No-Contact Buddy,
Eddie Corbano

EDIT 02-05-2011: I had to close this comment thread, over 2830!!! comments caused the page to load extremely slow, please continue posting here: No-Contact Help: How To Fight The Urge To Contact Your Ex – Part 2

Make your Ex suffer! Click here to watch my FREE presentation:
"How To Make Your Ex Regret They Broke Up With You"

5 Must-See Related Posts:

About The Author:

Eddie Corbano is a breakup-coach, relationship-advisor and founder of LovesAGame. He suffered from a devastating break up in 1998. Since then, he dedicated his life to helping others getting the best of this existential experience. The overcoming of a break up is an important step to autonomy and independency. Eddie Corbano developed some new coaching programs, which focus on evolving inner strength and the power to set and reach any personal goal. (Article written on May 16th, 2010)
Show all posts by Eddie Corbano

Category: Break Up and Divorce
Tags: anger, no contact rule, pain

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Lyns_matear

I have been in constant contact with my ex for the past 3 months since we split, I WISH i had cut it off straight away but didnt. So to me it feels like its all brand new and fresh. We were talking heaps and seeing each other. I now know that he basically used to me so he could slowly get used to not seeing me. And im an idiot for letting him do that!
I have a question: when you finally decide to cut contact how long did it take for you to feel ok???
It’s 3 months and im still struggling so much Feel like there is something wrong with me and that this isnt normal, every thought is about him

Ivy

Sounds like you got yourself on the wrong track. I guess it’s time to stop seeing him if it hurts. It will hurt not seeing him also,but at least you’re going to start your life as normal as it can be now….. well i’m not exactly the best example but ….. I try. So you should try too. Cut it suddenly ….. i think it will be best for you.

Lyns_matear

thank you
I’m on day 6 of NC, think this is the longest i have been, god its hard!! Everytime i want to text/call I have been coming on here. Isnt it funny how u can know something is for the best but u still want that quick fix. Its so hard living with someone, being their everything to NOTHING!

BedShaped

I did the same with my ex. He would constantly ask to meet after he moved out for coffee/chats etc… Looking back now Im sure it was to make things easier for him. Its been 7 days now for me NC. We split on the 10/10/10 but all his “friendship” dates and calls it was dragged out until christmas. Its so hard not calling/texting. I think about him all the time but I will not break. I keep finding myself coming here whenever I get the urge to call him. Even now Ive got my phone next to me and willing him to text me. He never will. And I must do the same. Its hard…

Lyns_matear

wow we are really in the same situation, my break up was October also and yep we dragged things out till only a few weeks ago, I am on day 6 of NC and how sad is this…..this is the longest since Oct I have been of NC!!! Crazy hey.
My ex admitted he was just used to seeing me thats why he came over whereas i guess i took it as hope, hope that he loved me still and hope that we might make things work. They see us cause they honestly want us as friends cause they are way more over it then us. There is NO way i could see him as friends, it would kill me. I have tried everything, and i can honestly say, NC seems to be the only thing that will keep me sane. Who would have thought not contacting someone could be sooooooooo hard, its literally like torture isnt it!
I think the most difficult part for me is that i didnt tell most of my friends that i was in contact still for the past 3 months so they think im ok (putting on a brave face and all that!) so i cant really talk to anyone about it. For us i think it feels like it has just happened cause we had contact.
For anyone reading this that has just been thru a break up, PLEASE start NC ASAP. Dont be like me 3 months later and feeling awful

Pandaj19

That was a bit un-called for, wasn’t it? Sigh. What do we do, huh?
Ivy

I’ve had it ass****. I’m sooooooooooooo done with you!!!!!!!!!!! Problem is right now i am full of anger and know this is bad only for me! This pitty excuse of a person ……apparently celebrated a birhtday of a friend of his on Friday.Just saw a profile picture of that friend of 4 -5 people smiling widely – and oh lookie who is there smiling – our prince charming. I don’t really care where he goes and what he does really – AS LONG AS HE DOESN’T MESS WITH MY HEAD WHICH HE DID! On Saturday – when he came over – he was feeling sad,sorry,i lvoe you i miss you bla bla bla bla bla bla WHAT REALLY ASS****?!?!?!?! AND THE PREVIOUS NIGHT YOU WERE THIS SMILING MAN IN FRONT OF YOUR FRIENDS,SAME TIME YOU’RE ALL OVER FACEBOOK WITH YOUR STUPID COMMENTS ….But in front of me – no I am so sad,i feel horrible I CAN’T SLEEP….. can’t sleep my ….!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’ve had it with you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You don’t deserve any attention you stupid boy. Now I know for sure that not only I won’t call you – as I am doing 10 days now ,but I WON’T pick up when YOU CALL ME! …….!!!!!! I don’t need no more lies or bs to tell me . Go tell them to somebody else.
Ok. Sorry for my anger . It’s just…… i just saw this picture and got really upset but on the angry side of upset. I hope I get back to my calm self soon,because you know if you’re a libra – all you need is just balance!GET OUT OF MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

http://pulse.yahoo.com/_P4JMH5WCLL2KPDR5TEYCV42VVE Darren

Hi Ivy

Sometimes writing down your anger on paper (getting it all out) and then burning the letter is therapeutic. Please observe all local laws and don’t burn anything other than a letter…had a close call on this lol you would never guess what I burned of hers haha. I will never tell.

Point is get it out constructively, don’t stalk, don’t look. don’t ask. don’t tell.

Be strong we are here for each other

Fletch

Ivy

Thank you . Anger gone!!

Ivy

Be your angel right now . Let the it hurt,but only for a while and then just be strong and don’t go back where you come from. I get that it was nice ,happy relationship but if he told you he “thought” he wanted it …. then it’s not real feeling,is it? Please,don’t be hurt. Have your confidence and go on day by day until you are strong enough to let this person go. And you will find a person who will be your angel. Hang on there!!! Loserville doesn’t deserve loving people feeling useless!
Bubbies

Feel crap today. Had to break no contact after about 80 days – literally didn’t have a choice as unfortunately he’s still in a position where he has some power over me and, unsurprisingly, he’s used it. He text me a few days ago to tell me I couldn’t come along any more to something I’ve been doing for years, and I heard on the grapevine that he was planning to kick me off the yard where I keep my horses (he runs it). So I text back and have had it out with him about why he would do this.

I really don’t feel that I had any choice around contacting him – I desperately don’t want to leave the yard as I’v been there for years, have my horses really well looked after, have a lot of friends there and don’t have anywhere else to take go! It is at the centre of my world, and I made the decision after we split up, that I didn’t want to leave there. I know that it leaves me in a bad position, in that he still has a degree of control over me, plus I have now become a visitor to the place I used to live (which hurts, there are SO many memories). The worst thing is that I have to see him and his new girlfriend swanning around holding hands, kissing etc which is very hard, 3 months after the end of our 5 year relationship. BUT all of that said, it would hurt me really badly (financially, socially, hobby-wise) to leave, and I’m not entirely sure it isn’t hurting myself unnecessarily. If I can keep any contact strictly business like, then I hope to salvage what I can from the whole mess.

Anyway I tried to have an adult discussion with him about it, which was partially successful and I think he has realised he’s not got any grounds to tell me what to do any more (he says he’s ‘worried’ about me causing an atmosphere!!!!) but the whole thing has dragged up my feelings again. I remembered how much I had loved him, and how terrible things had turned, and the worst part was that nothing has changed, things are still bitter and sad and awful. It was like digging up a coffin and looking at the corpse. It was just awful. I mostly stayed businesslike but I couldn’t help straying into ‘you treated me so badly’ and ‘how can you treat me like this’ territory a couple of times because I’m just so hurt he can behave so callously towards someone he supposedly loved so much. Of course, nothing he could say could make me feel any better, as far as that side of things was concerned.

It’s a difficult situation because I want to never have anything to do with him again, it’s just too hurtful, and No Contact has done me the world of good, but I may have to be civil to him in order not to lose my place somewhere that I am not really prepared to give up. It’s probably the adult thing to do, and also the canny thing to do, as it is purely for my benefit, but I resent it. He’s basically said, toe the line and be civil and things can be as they were, except for obviously us being a couple. Seems, yet again, he wants it all his way.

I wish things were easier. I’m saddened by how easily even just texting him can knock me back into all the old habits and leave me panicky and depressed. How on earth do I move forward from this situation? Leaving really is a very last ditch scenario, as I absolutely live for being there.

Bubbies

Forgot to add that it’s not torturing me anything like it did 2 months ago. I’ve learnt how to snap myself out the mental torture pretty quickly. I’m more mad that I’m in this stupid situation than anything…
http://pulse.yahoo.com/_P4JMH5WCLL2KPDR5TEYCV42VVE Darren

Bubbies, that is a very challenging situation and I completely understand your being passionate about what you want to keep and hold dear to your heart. In the end you are the only one that can answer this. Can you be there around that place and risk having contact with him without dying inside? I once read Eddie’s satement about doing all we could to get completely away from our exes by whatever means. he said it was running it was taking the path of least resistance. I now realize I may never be able to see my ex without way too much pain and suffering for myself. Maybe in years…
Just be honest with yourself and find a way to make it work for “you” and your well being. Use your imagination, think outside the box and remember its not who wins, its who takes the high road to healing.

Best

Fletch

http://pulse.yahoo.com/_P4JMH5WCLL2KPDR5TEYCV42VVE Darren

DRKR

Infinity on here has had to cope with seeing her ex at work often as well. I know she has worked up the strength to just smile cordially and not linger. Eddie says don’t look them in the eyes. Work scenarios are super tough. if you can’t relocate you are gonna have to get tough beyond words and tune her out as if she is a shell and no longer what you knew. Find a place in your mind you can go to avoid the circle of loving history that will torture you beyond words. Avoid all contact at all costs (humanly possible).

Be strong Bro

Fletch
http://pulse.yahoo.com/_P4JMH5WCLL2KPDR5TEYCV42VVE Darren

DRKR

Infinity on here has had to cope with seeing her ex at work often as well. I know she has worked up the strength to just smile cordially and not linger. Eddie says don’t look them in the eyes. Work scenarios are super tough. if you can’t relocate you are gonna have to get tough beyond words and tune her out as if she is a shell and no longer what you knew. Find a place in your mind you can go to avoid the circle of loving history that will torture you beyond words. Avoid all contact at all costs (humanly possible).

Be strong Bro

Fletch
http://pulse.yahoo.com/_P4JMH5WCLL2KPDR5TEYCV42VVE Darren

Amazing Man! Keep writing, expressing and know that we are all on your side pulling for you! I feel everything you wrote and physical pain and suffering are very real. Its ok to let yourself hurt, she does not deserve your friendship now, she lost that priviledge. Your friendship and love returns to you to share with another someday. It will be worth the wait my friend.

Fletch
http://pulse.yahoo.com/_P4JMH5WCLL2KPDR5TEYCV42VVE Darren

Nat

That is a phone number I would be blocking bro, you don’t need that grief. I am really sorry man.

Don’t respond, don’t ask, don’t tell.

Fletch
http://pulse.yahoo.com/_P4JMH5WCLL2KPDR5TEYCV42VVE Darren

Nat

That is a phone number I would be blocking bro, you don’t need that grief. I am really sorry man.

Don’t respond, don’t ask, don’t tell.

Fletch
HealingMyWings

so we’ve all heard the phrase ‘curiosity killed the cat’. well in my case curiosity ripped out the cats heart stomped on it and sent the cat (aka me) spiraling BACK into a pit of heartache despair. so it was two weeks tonight for NC for me. his bday was earlier this week and i have been feeling achey but i was able to get through it. not contacting him is not hard. but the curiosity of ‘what’s he doing?’ “does he miss me?” was KILLING me so i did the stupidest thing possible. i checked his facebook…please to anyone that thinks that ‘well it won’t hurt it will make me feel better’ DONT DO IT.

Background info: I come from a family full of alcoholics so I basically grew up watching ppl i care about and love drink to get drunk and hurt themselves or other ppl or just be stupid so i have a trauma from it. i don’t mind drinking in moderation but the thought of drinking just to get drunk terrifies me because of what i saw. our entire relationship i lived in anxiety everytime he went out or around holidays especially after he turned 21 because i was terrified he would get drunk and do something stupid or get hurt. He was never a drinker and that was one thing i loved about him but i always was in fear that he wuld turn into what i grew up around

so anyways i looked at his facebook wall and basically his friends were talking about how he was ‘so drunk’ the entire weekend. they had gone ‘away’ for the weekend. i dont know why but this just totally tore me apart. ive literally just sat here for the past hour and cried.

i think after crying and thinking that it comes from a multitude of places. i think that some of it comes from my drinking trauma and the fears and anxiety that i had have been recognized. that he is going out (at least he did for his bday weekend) and getting drunk and he was never like that and i worry that something will happen to him or he will do something which is stupid because WERE NOT TOGETHER. it shouldn’t be my problem. i shouldn’t care where he is, what hes doing, or who he’s doing it with right? Also I think its a bit of a realization on my part. Maybe a tiny part of me was hoping he would come crawling back and on the contrary hes obviously moving on with his life just fine. he’s not sitting around crying his eyes out wondering ‘why he doesnt love me as much as i love him’.

i shouldn’t care what he does. i shouldnt love someone that obviously doesn’t love me. hes hurt me so much. ive shed so many tears, changed so much, given up so much for this guy that doesn’t even want me. and its just not fair. why am i the one thats in this world of hurt fighting everyday to keep a smile and go on with my life and its so easy for him. i don’t want to talk to him. i won’t talk to him but things will come up about him. we have mutual friends and such. i just don’t want to be an emotional train wreck everytime i hear about him doing something i don’t like or approve of. i mean what am i going to do when he starts dating someone else if i can’t even deal with this?

i just need help. i feel so stupid….i hate myself for allowing myself to feel this way and feel so upset over something that i should of known was going to happen. what did i expect? him to be at home wallowing away thinking about me…it just hurts so much that hes out there doing things he never did with me and just ouch……

HealingMyWings

on a sidenote when i said i checked his facebook he has an open wall. i didnt hack into his facebook. not that what i did was any better but just wanted to make that distinction haha.

also after talking to a very good friend i am still very hurt but am starting to try to see the good and be thankful that we are not together or i would be having to deal with all of this in a relationship with him. i think i am still in love with who he WAS. what he is becoming is almost the manisfestation (spellcheck) of all my fears. and all of the things i hate. and maybe a lot of my hurt comes from teh disappointment of what he is becoming and what i thought he was. i dont know i have insomnia. i also think i maybe need to go to therapy for my trauma about drinking but at the moment i am too poor. i just feel very hurt and confused and i just want it to go away.

Lyns_matear

I’m so sorry u are struggling. I have no will power when it comes to checking things like FB, luckily for me his profile is blocked so i cant see it, i remember with another ex years ago, i would sit at work checking it and then bawling my eyes out cause he was going out and having a great time and getting drunk. And meanwhile i was sitting at home crying.
Its hard when u think about them all the time and its a constant battle to not contact them and when u hear nothing from them u wonder how u can both be feeling such different things.
I know what u mean about saying what are we going to be like when they start seeing someone knew, i feel a break down coming on!!!!! I wouldnt be able to cope so the safest bet for my sanity is to not know what he is doing, therefore never knowing if/when he is with someone new.
keep strong im right there with u

HealingMyWings

Thx Lyns. After finally being able to get a little bit of sleep my heart still hurts but its not the panic i was feeling last night. I think a lot of it is the slap of realization that he is going on just fine without me and also a lot of disappointment and sadness. I always thought he was better then he is acting now and it seems he has manifested into the person that i always feared he might, another stupid 20 something partying ‘boy’. I just have to keep reminding myself that the person I loved is no more and that this person that walks around in his body now is someone I wouldn’t even want to be friends with if we just met, let alone love him. I thought I was doing better then I was. I tend to beat myself up when I feel I am acting stupidly and I always feel I overreact when it comes to the drinking but I guess its just the trauma left over from my childhood. I don’t know which is better or worse…being ignorant and not knowing who/what he is becoming or knowing about it, coping with it, and realizing that were on two different pages in life. I just loved him so much and it hurts me so deeply to see this stupid path he’s going down right now but I guess I have to relinquish control because were not together. He is going to do what he’s going to do and I can’t help him and he doesn’t want me to. Also it hurts a lot that hes out doing things socially with these new friends that he would never do with me even when i asked. I suppose I am just going through what everyone does when they break up but it was a 5 year relationship, 10 year friendship, and my first love so to me it feels like I’m dieing. My head knows that he’s not right for me and that I am doing the right thing by NC and is actually thankful that we are NOT together right now because then I would be dealing with all of my insecurities and fears WHILE he was becoming this person I don’t like. I was able to fall asleep last night because I made myself go to a calm place and thought of things to be thankful for and I was thankful that even though its hard i don’t HAVE to worry about him being stupid anymore. One Day I will be over this and if we were still together it would still be the constant anxiety everytime he was with these new friends that only seem to want to party. But my heart is still being stupid and hurts and feels the need to worry about him all the time and not accept him for what he is NOW, not what he WAS. I feel mentally and physically exhausted from all the constant battling. I am proud that I don’t feel the urge to talk to him. I just wish I could quiet the “what’s he doing” “is he thinking about me” but I guess that only comes with time and I’ve always been an impatient person. I just wish I could understand why more it hurts me so much to not know why and what when it comes to him when i know hes not right for me. i guess thats my problem. i feel the need to understand and fix everything and i can’t fix this relationship

Cinnadon

FB is a terror isn’t it? It seems to cause a lot of pain in regards to relationships. Some of my exes family members have open walls and in spite of myself I will block them, then unblock them, knowing I could find something very painful if I looked. I almost wish I could write to them and say..”hey, would you mind blocking me soI cant spy on my ex anymore??? They’d think I was nuts!!

http://pulse.yahoo.com/_P4JMH5WCLL2KPDR5TEYCV42VVE Darren

Last sunday I did a seach on yahoo and found her facebook and picture, then I emailed her…….never a good thing NC is the only way to heal. You said it all…..time will help and we are all in this together!!

Fletch

Amillionpieces

Hi Tammy, I understand what you feeling right now. Been like super glue with my x for past 3 years and being alone now seems unthinkable. Just hang on ok cos all of us is going thru as this but different speed.

My therapist says each of us have unique characters and strong points. Some heal faster from a broken heart some just takes longer. But we will eventually reach the destination where we will heal our broken heart.
Bubbies

You will be ok. It’s no comfort now, but just hang in there. Crawl from hour to hour if you need to, but keep going. I promise you, you WILL be ok. I absolutely promise. I’m sure you know that, deep down, but it helps to hear it. I’ve been where you are, and it’s been 3 1/2 months for me now; still got a long way to go but bear with the no contact and you will discover so much about yourself. The only way to think of this is as an opportunity. You will look back on this and in a funny way, be glad it happened, much as you won’t believe that now.

It’s going to take time but you learn to live with it, and then it starts gradually disappearing. I went nearly 2 hours this morning without thinking about it, from waking up, which is amazing!

Keep talking on here. We’re all here to help each other xx
Luke

Quoting wrote you wrote: “He told me he’d never be able to be completely faithful when he’s married.”

He is a waste of your time Kai. I understand you love the man and that it isn’t easy when your still so ‘hooked’ but any bloke that will openly say ^^^that^^^ obviously is taking you for a ride.
He sounds like a user, and in your situation he now has all the power which is why no-contact is vital for your self preservation at this stage.

We’re all hurting just like you here, don’t be afraid to vent especially if this is your only place. It’ll help you survive

Goddesskai

Thanks Luke it has been a really difficult weekend. I managed to not call or text him but it was difficult. Last night he texted me and I ignored it. I keep thinking all the things I want to say to him. And you are right he is taking me for a ride. This is my only place to vent as I said everyone is sick of me being sick of him. Thanks for your support I really appreciate it.

Ivy

Ok ……. day X of no contact,I just think I don’t need to count it anymore,as this will make him too important – fact is – we’re in no communication – right now. And intend to keep it that way……. for now.At least till I’m on my feet again,as I was before. Got a bit of a “make over” on my facebook from a pretty sad photo to a alllll sexy and smiling now – so TAKE THAT LOSER. You can look at my pretty smile and just regeret that you won’t get the chance to see it in person any time soon. You are not the only one who has the right to FEEL GOOD after this relationship. You can go to your bday parties and have pictures with your friends smiling and all,I can too. I have admirers you know it very well,eat your heart out ! Well,don’t actually. You don’t seem to care so,whatever. I will have my way ….I think that If you love somebody you wouldn’t let them go,even if your life is “in crisis” ……your 24 ….. god I can’t cope with that though of beings so young and sooooooo depressed .Sorry – I tried to help you with all my being – you just decided that relationships are too complicated.Well – duh – they are ,but also they are not for people like you,you can’t handle anything seriously. Maybe only YOUR stuff. Selfish. Selfishness …. not gonna save your life buddy. You’ll see that friends may help you smile and feel good,but as they don’t know your true self ,they won’t be able to give you a hand when you have problem with YOUR STUFF and yourself. Your buds will have their relationships as they do now ,and will be happy,and you? What do you expect – you can move in with them? So you can be inseparable ?Grow up,people are making their lives right now…. I love you but I hate that I do. Nor you don’t deserve it.
I am sure he is gonna look for me ,in the next weeks ,as he told me “when I feel better I will call you” When YOU’RE good huh? Well,selfish guy, you won’t find anyone….
Try stay positive people! You are relationship worthy! I guess wherever you are in the world,people we are all with same problems and issues …
His angel

Day 3 NC, day 5 break up. Not crying at this moment, so I guess that’s some small bit of progress. I know that I’m supposed to distract myself so I’m not thinking about it all the time, but nothing seems to distract me. I’m not the type that could ever immerse themselves in work or school when upset, unfortunately, because there’s plenty of that to focus on if I could.

Never really got healthy closure. I sent emails because I immediately needed to understand what was going on, what he meant, etc. He didn’t want it that way but I couldn’t stop myself. His last email sealed the deal. Several days later I left him a calm, sane message telling him that I’d done some thinking, understood some of what he had said and could see some things I didn’t before. Told him that I didn’t want it to end that way, things “had” been too special between us, asked how he felt about meeting up sometime for breakfast, exchanging the things we have of each other’s…haven’t heard a thing. It’s killing me. I guess I feel that ending it in a way that is more healthy and I don’t regret would give me the closure I need, but nothing yet.

Considering counseling. I read somewhere that the primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it. I don’t think I can get there without professional help.

Cinnadon

HI HIs angel,
I am seeing a counselor too for a very painful breakup. She too reiterated that it’s my thoughts that are contributing to my pain. Yes, the loss is very real and you will have to grieve that, but we can make it worse for ourselves by ruminating in our thoughts. My counsleor told me not to beleive all the stories that I make up in my head about himand his new girlfriend…they are just my thoughts and dont represent reality. I agree, the easiest thing is distraction for some, but even while distratced my thoguhts take care. COnsider counseling, it would be good to talk to someone and mine has heloed me a lot. Take care.

http://pulse.yahoo.com/_P4JMH5WCLL2KPDR5TEYCV42VVE Darren

Totally agree, it has helped immensely.
Reality is not what’s in our minds, we are not our minds or our pain. When we are hurting our minds really do run away with all sorts of ideas and what if’s few based on facts just raw emotion. Cracking the whip on your brain is one of the toughest things I can ever imagine doing..but when you have some success it really does feel good. I was feeling pretty strong after 1 month NC so I know it works. Imagine at 3, 6 and 12!!

Cinnadon

Goddesskai,
I also got involved with a serial cheater, thinkig that I would be the one whowould change his ways. Guess what? he cheated on me. And lied to me for seven months about it, all the while telling me Im his dream girl, the girl he’s been looking for for years….sick!!!! THen he kept me on the shelf and called me when it benefitted him, with no regards to whether I needed him or not. Narcissist! This guy will bring you continued heartache Goddesskai. You deserve better.

Goddesskai

Thanks Cinnadon. It helps to know others have gone through the same thing. I always said that I wouldn’t try and change him but deep down that’s probably what I was doing without even realizing it. All he has caused me is heartache and it never changes so I don’t know why I even care. I wish I didn’t. Right now I’m just trying to get through the day.

Ivy

Thank you! hugs!
Ivy

Another rough night. I was supposed to go out a it tonight but….nope. Plans didn’t work out so I’m yet again sitting here and blaming myself for being a lonely single girl again. Wasting my time sitting at home and just thinking of the one person that doesn’t really give a …… about me. Or hey,at least I am under that impression,probably a true one . My 6th sense is strong most of the time. Anyway – another day with no contact and it’s another day that separates me from him. Almost 15 days since the “End” ….. feels weird. I hope I start to feel better soon.Oh my,I hope I start feel better in that moment because I can’t stand it.I can’t stand to think that a guy like him didn’t appreciate me……………… I don’t want to become one of these people that stop believing in love . God no! But I fear that this is possible….. and I am a bit young for that…. this scares me.
He is probably going out somewhere or just staying home now,listening to his stupid “hard” music making him feel like a “man” and looking at these automobile sites just gushing about this car and that car…… and not thinking of me. So why am i …… ?! Gotta get it right again. Sometimes I feel good,sometimes I fall apart again…… Brake ups are just a horrible thing!
WE WILL BE FINE . Right…?

http://pulse.yahoo.com/_P4JMH5WCLL2KPDR5TEYCV42VVE Darren

You will be fine Ivy and thanks for sharing. Early on I was confronted with those same choices. You can choose to be bitter, swear off love and men or women. Decide to stay “single” for a long time and not date, marry or go out. You can isolate. Others move on so quickly but we all know its not good to do that either. Slowly open up shop……slowly.

“So many second chances to get it right” I heard in a song recently and it gave me hope. We really do get lots of chances and there are many, many people that we can share happiness with not just “the one” which is a total fantasy we dream up.

We all get to choose better next time and when we least expect it we will probably find someone truly special.

Fletch

Ivy

Good. I was out with an actual buddy of mine that is “attracted” to me since i know him,i don’t take advantage of men tho’ What I wanna say is that he is a really good friend, and I CAN’T STOP TALKING TO PEOPLE ABOUT THE GUY……!!!!!!!!! I freak out when I think of our next encounter / phone call and how I will/shall/must react. Esp if I see him …. I may bite him or suck his blood,I’m worried. If it’s a phone call – the process of ignoring the call and seeing his name on my phone will kill ME. And then I will start to feel guilty of why I didn’t pick up probably…. which is totally wrong,because …..I NEED TIME TO CLEAR MY HEAD and I can’t let him mess with it with his pitty I love you’s and I miss us so much BUT…
It’s 2.30AM and I’m still awake and thinking. Great. That’s what i needed before exams . Great. A heartbreak . Thank you!

Thanks Darren! Great to see a reassurance ! It makes you feel listened and supported! Thanks a million to all… good wishes from Bulgaria.

http://pulse.yahoo.com/_P4JMH5WCLL2KPDR5TEYCV42VVE Darren

Awesome Grayson, beautiful bro. One day at a time. Unfortunately I know many of those same feelings. And we are better to love and grow than wilt and die.

Hang in there Grayson, we are here for you

Fletch
Ivy

Now imagine touching those hips on THE woman that loves you twice more and that actually ….. slaps you playfully before you do! Imagine same feelings but given to you by a ray of sunshine that you will meet! And I believe it will be twice as good! And I believe too that her neck will smell better so …… put a smile on your face and look around you!
This is referring to ALL of you! + myself. I try to imagine the guy that’s with 100000000 flaws but I don’t really see them,because what I will see is his constant tries to win me over day by day by day even if I’m already his. That’s a man in my dreams….
Sam

Ok this is it, day 10 of break up but I am still in his house, this will be the last night I sleep here, I am so afraid of tomorrow, the moving truck is coming tomorrow and I’ll be out of his house forever. I’ve been freaking out pretty bad but as soon as he comes home I get better (even knowing that we are broken up). I can’t imagine how I will feel knowing that he will never come home again, I will not hear his voice around the house, he has stopped coming to bed in the mornings to kiss me goodbye when he leaves for work, we both are acting very casual, like nothing has happened but sometimes I feel like throwing up, my stomach is a total mess and I am not eating at all.

I have made a huge effort to not cry with the exception of 3 nights ago, I cried so much I woke him up and basically begged him to reconsider his decision….to no avail.
Ivy

You go out with a friend/relative and you just make yourself better by talking – or crying just slip this negative emotion and then just go with dignity,as I am sure you have in yourself. If a liar or a guy who is not aware what he feels can feel good so can a person with many good values can – like yourself,right? We all will learn to love again the right people.
Ivy

Well, you will just learn to forgive yourself when the ….. grieve over the relationship is gone. In my case I tried to be the “dumper” in a desperate action to make him realize that I can’t take his bs no more,we had a huuuuge fight,then the fight ended with – we’re ok right? And the next day we broke up – he ‘ended’ it. So , I had myself a bit of regret phase too,I still do I think. But I don’t regret that I told him that O can’t stand his neglecting anymore,and his depressing moods and his constant need to have “me” time more than “us” time. I think I did the right thing telling him he’s been playing me for far too long with his mind games. And then he did it. Which was devastating . I do understand. You hd your reasons – stick with them! It is hard,but if you feel this is the right thing,you should really stick with it.
Ivy

Don’t. I want to shove many stuff too. But showing no interest will kill him . It will speak for itself. So let him be pathetic excuse of a man ,he will get it….eventually as all the others.
Lyns_matear

Kristin my ex did the same, literally as soon as we broke up, they are sad excuses for ppl and dont dignify his behaviour with a response!
Yes he is pathetic but u contacting him will make him feel good and that is the very LAST thing u need. Im on day 7 of NC, god it hurts like hell!!!!!!!!!
Lyns_matear

Day 7 of NC, this is the longest I have been since he left me nearly 3 months ago, it hurts but the alternative hurts more.

http://pulse.yahoo.com/_P4JMH5WCLL2KPDR5TEYCV42VVE Darren

Stay strong Lyns!!! You are soooooooo right the alternative hurts way more.
http://pulse.yahoo.com/_P4JMH5WCLL2KPDR5TEYCV42VVE Darren

Stay strong Lyns!!! You are soooooooo right the alternative hurts way more.

Sam

Ok, the moving truck is here, I have stuck to my own NC…no crying, no begging, but today is going to be my first day away from him. It’s been 11 days since we broke up and 4 since I decided to accept the situation and not cry/beg anymore.
http://pulse.yahoo.com/_VEVHLLLEUXOZTHRQS63YBDXQZI Nadia Akel

Hi, I’m new around, and to be honest, I was not yet prepared to post last week, .. but here I am , I realize that what I am experiencing right now with my break up seems to be the “Man’s Fate” … to make is short, I was on a divorce process, my ex-husband left, I was completely tore apart, and I have been “saved” by a colleague of mine, in the beginning, I felt that I was alive again, loved even if he had some long distance relationship with another girl, but that was fine for me as I didn’t want anything else at that time of my live.

I think now that he was struggling too with something that I was not aware of, anyhow, we start to date, and become closer and closer, even if I told him one day that I wanted him to be a friend, he said that he’s already and much more, and I know that at that time I was too vulnerable to realize how big mistake i was doing.

I loved my ex-husband, and I know he loved me too, but I’m respecting him much more than my ex colleague because he never, ever lied to me.

Cannot tell the same thing about this guy I thought I was in love with, and when i let it go and said to myself, “ok, I can go along with him in the same path of life”, he dumped me!

He did that in a so cowardly way! (by SMS), and all what Eddie said was true, he still wanted to stay friend and have some occasional close relationship without any commitment….

Now it’s 7 days of NC and I wrote him some msgs I never sent, I wrote in my diary so many things I never said to him.

Please don’t do the same mistake that I’ve done, don’t let yourself go into another relationship BEFORE the previous one will be far behind you… I was so miserable, and full of fear, I realized that these are the feelings I should have felt from my divorce.

Didn’t I tell you that I have a wonderful child? almost 3 yo… and lucky him, his has a wonderful father.But we just didn’t get along because we were wounded way before our marriage, and these unhealed wounded poisoned our couple….
Still I am practicing NC ( talking like religious principle lol) when I can, not that obvious when there is a child, but I can say that our baby seems to not suffer because his father and me decided to not let this happen to him.

Btw … did I say .. “to make it short?” lol sorry.. read this if you have time.. eerrr .. mmhhmm… should have put this last somewhere up there

Thank you for your support!!

Cassiopeia

“change your thoughts, and change your destiny” (Dr J. Murphy)

http://pulse.yahoo.com/_P4JMH5WCLL2KPDR5TEYCV42VVE Darren

Thanks Cass for sharing, great stuff. Hang tough!!

Fletch

Naive

Day 53 and it’s still really tough not to contact him. The big mistake I made yesterday was looking to see if he had a new Facebook profile picture (he and I are no longer “Friends” on FB) and he must have changed his privacy settings to allow anyone to see who his Facebook Friends are and I saw for the first time a pic of his new girlfriend and it is killing me. Why did I have to go and do that to myself? I know I’m way hotter than her and it makes me feel like “what does he see in her”? I keep trying to tell myself that I’m the best he’ll ever have, but the incredible chemistry he and I had was unparalleled and I can’t stand the thought of being replaced and forgotten.

I read what Eddie had to say about “How to Stop Yourself from Facebook Stalking your Ex”, but I had a weak moment and couldn’t resist. Now I’m all depressed again, just when I was starting to get over him (a little bit). I couldn’t sleep all night and now I’m crying for the first time in weeks. I know he’s no good for me, that’s he’s a hopeless alcoholic and sociopath (compulsive liar, manipulator, has no conscience, egotistical to the point of being a narcissist and had me fooled for over a year into believeing that he loved me and wasn’t involved with other women at the time). I know I’m better off without him, but it doesn’t mean I don’t miss him like crazy and struggle with the thought of never having contact with him again. But the posts and articles here are helpful, I need to keep coming here everytime I have the desire to contact him, or even when I am bumming out about him. What can I do to stay strong?

http://pulse.yahoo.com/_P4JMH5WCLL2KPDR5TEYCV42VVE Darren

Naive

Don’t beat yourself up too bad, I did the just about the same 1 week ago and seeing her picture with another man sent me reeling as well. I am just now beginning to catch my breath after a really challenging week (that I brought on myself). What can you do to stay strong? Keep a journal, stay busy, don’t isolate yourself, make new friends, work out at the gym a lot if you are able (or any exercise..its s huge difference). Give you an example. This morning I barely made it to the gym and honestly it was the first time since last Monday and I was NOT in a gbood mood for all the obvious reasons that set me back. The cycle teachers son has a terrible disease and after getting brought up to speed I felt like I was thankful to have my health and not be facing sure premature death as he is. Next up she kicked our butts HARD in class, not only demonstrating a great attitude but inspiring (or picking on) several in class to push us harder. She knows of my situation so I was soooo happy to be pushed leave exhausted and also left to ponder all that I have to be thankful for.

Just food for thought. Those things help me immensely as does my faith. I know its really all up to me to take charge of my revovery. I can either bite down, suck it up and do the hard therapy now…or delay the injurious revovery and still be walking wounded in another year…..I don’t want any part of delaying anything longer than needed because of my lack of self control. I am newly resolved as you are to beat your mind, make positive changes and fully heal in time.

Come here often, rely on us and be strong for yourself

Fletch

http://pulse.yahoo.com/_P4JMH5WCLL2KPDR5TEYCV42VVE Darren

Thanks for sharing your story. I am truly sorry you had to go through that. The fact is many times break ups are really a mess. Don’t drive yourself crazy with trying to get inside his head and heart. Allow yourself to grieve. You need commitment, you deserve this. We all do. Dont let yourself accept less!

Everything you are feeling is totally normal. It means you really cared and that is a wonderful thing!!

Sign up for the free newsletter if you already haven’t and frequent the site for a daily fix of love and understanding from all the recoverees..

Please take care

Fletch
http://pulse.yahoo.com/_P4JMH5WCLL2KPDR5TEYCV42VVE Darren

In the beginning it will truly be baby steps to move forward. Please frequent the site and read the articles and others blogs for encouragement on how to start recovering. Please allow yourself to feel, cry, and talk about it to those who care about you (we do).

Write as often as you need to and hopefully you can take strength from others who are survivors .

Your future is now “unwritten” and that is ok. Its an adjustment and involves revovery but its yours to make.

Best

Fletch
http://pulse.yahoo.com/_P4JMH5WCLL2KPDR5TEYCV42VVE Darren

HMW, we should meet, beat each other up for breaking NC with those huge blow up gloves laugh and then call it a day…..lol.

Honestly though just trying to make you laugh. I feel your pain, I share it. Write, burn, yell, talk, type, cry, and then meet back here for a drink of release.

Rinse, repeat.

DO NOT BREAK NC…or we will get you!

Fletch
my life starts now

i have had no contact for a 27 days we are both ober it im sick of his playing games and wanting me in and out f his life. he has done nothing but play games for the last 15mths and i have let him, i deserve commitment not this after 23 yrs he had an affair with his best mates wife the then came back to me left again and back again met a new woman while he was still seeing me and telling me we will work n our marraige then telling others how one day we will get back together it might be 6mths or 10 years but it will happen he was going through some weird thing and i let myself get caught in it. i just dont care i know im going through the anger stage again at the moment and im finding it hard to move on i cant believe i let him back in my life last yr in november i was going so great was feeling great and getting on now i feel almost right back were i started from . i think its time to show him i am serious he has moved his new girl into the house and after having his mental break down at christmas im so over it, but im back to struggling again and find im angry i cant seem to get back to that happy place again. i hadnt been on this web site for ages and come back to last night and this morning i had forgotten how great it was ,i think i will need this for yrs to come. i know he loved me but i dont need to hear how he still loves me keep it to your =self because i dont care if your alive or dead that is how much i hate you.now im looking at divorce in my country you have to wait 12nths after seperation with no chance of reconciliation, but im worried that im doing it for all the wrong reasons am i doing it so i do it first because i couldnt ahndle it if he did it to me so is it just out of spite. it really shouldnt matter why i do it its about me not him and if i need this to move on than great its what i should do. i dont miss him really im just angry that he could treat me this way and i let him.time to go back to the drawing bboard and back to my affirmations. friends have told me they have seen him and hes not happy so what i dont care you did this to yourself me and the kids so you suffer i refuse to suffer anymore im nit a vicitm im a beautifull, strong georgious woman who deseves to have a happy life and live her dreams and im going to i will triumph over this because i dont need someone in my life to make me happy only me,im not scared of being alone like you. i can and will be the best person i can and i will not be friends with you or your new woman i dont care if she has had 3 exes and shes friends with them all that to me says shes weird not healthy. that to me says she is a people pleaser i will not be a people pleaser for no one , i will live my own life and you can rot in hell while im doing it because she will never be me and one day what has been done to me will be done to you we all know carma what goes around comes around and when im are in a better place and it happens to you you i just wont care and thats the place i will be in, to be able to say oh isnt that sad poor thing even though inside i will be laughing and saying ha ha ha. man i feel good after venting eddie i love this site. great job keep it up.
Fay

I was with the same man for 31 years, and am finding this very hard, he left me 3 months ago, said he wanted something different in his life, what the hell does that mean, I have tried everything to get myself together, but here I am just as lost and confused as ever. I have done the NC for days on end, but always call him just to hear his voice, Im alone and so sad it hurts my heart, I want my old life back, I realy loved being with him, how do you go forward when the love you feel for someone is so strong, he is all I know….Help….

Lyns_matear

Fay im so sorry, i cant even imagine how u must be feeling. That is such a long time!
Often our feelings over power what our heads know are the right thing to do. You really do need NC and u need to know that u are worth SO much more than this.
Keep strong this must be so difficult but u can and u WILL be ok

Fay

Thanks for your advice, I know I need to focus on the NC but its so hard, I will try my best, and Thanks again for careing…..

Lyns_matear

we are all here for u, keep coming and keep posting!
Thats what i do when im having weak moments, which is every 5 min!!!!

Ivy

He’s a fool,and he will realize that. It’s your job to scratch it,and move on – move on with everything. Give yourself a big change (if money can allow) go somewhere ,see something. Then just ….. just meet people.Be around people.I know,it’s easy to say ,difficult to do – but try to do it. Colleagues , friends, family ….. male friends, girl friends …. any friends! Keep your head up!

Fay

Thanks Ivy, yes he is a fool, I was a good wife and partner and treated him very well, Im so disapointed in him more than anything, I never thought he would do this to me and our family…..

my life starts now

my god you poor darling its horrible isnt it. if you were anything like me you were happily living your life making plans for the future when the kids grew up and then bang the rug got pulled out from under you , you go crazy trying to work out what happened and how things could have changed over night. what you can do to fix it and you try everything including things you thought you would never ever do. you go over and over and over just wondering if there is anything you could have done to change it. all i can say is im so sorry and it makes me want to cry that someone coud treat you that way. i want to say to you that you are a STRONG woman the reason i know this is because you were married for 31 years i know that you wont believe me because i never believe my friends when they tell me this. but i admire you courage. i think you are truelly wonderful.stay with this site it has the best advice. this morning i was venting and throwing tantrums this afternoon driving home from work i was venting and throwing tantrums tonight i had things that i had to do, ive taken on a party plan business to get me out of the house make some extra money to travel because that has always been my dream and anything that gets me to my dream is good for me. the point is i didnt think about any of it for 4 hrs because i had to concentrate on placing orders over the net. im amazed no anger nothing didnt have time . ive also tried the jigsaw puzzle advice before and it works i got the hardest one i could got to the end and there were pieces missing, which now makes me laugh. i really hope this helps in some way.

Fay

Thanks for your kind words, It realy helps to just let it out, Im takeing it day by day, and some are better than others, I realy need to move forward, but this Im finding hard to do, Im still in shock that the person I trusted the most in my life would just walk out the door after so many years together, I want to get mad and angry, but Im not there yet….

Lyns_matear

I feel like you just described exactly what im feeling! I feel so so so weak and it does feel like an addiction. My ex was also a huge liar and cheater and at first i hate him cause i am so angry but then after a few days that wears off and then im just depressed, sad and missing him, no matter how many times i tell myself i deserve better etc…
Staying strong is just about killing me but im determined, day 10 of NC, this is the longest i have been in the 3 months since he left me. I have never felt such up and down emotions in my LIFE!
STAY STRONG you deserve better!!!!!
Ivy

Will it ever go away…. I hope so,because ….. it sux otherwise
Ivy

Keep it that way. Stay on the positive side ,we all know what you feel and what you’re struggling with. This addiction to the “other” is a killer but … what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger,I hope.
Ivy

Good lord I may as well get myself in a Coo Coo clinic now . Every other hour I am with different emotion . One hour ago I hated him,now I am being pathetic and envying people who interact with him during the day ….. wtf ?! I feel that “envy” towards people who pass him on the street and just have a glance at his face – oh ,he’s not even that handsome – he’s a charming guy and that’s it. But I do feel like that . I envy the people who speak with him during the day,who smile at him and he smiles back . F…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….. ###&@$&*%$@^@#!^$#^@#*()*&^%$#@@!#$%^&*()_(*&^%$#@! Sorry ((((((( I got so emotional I really start to think I’m crazy .
Actually It’s HIM who has to feel like this. Yep. It’s you,the-horse-of-prince-charming ,he’s not even a white horse,he’s more like a dirty brown horse with no sense of orientation in LIFE.
Ok, i gotta stop this,not healthy to swear a person or your …..ex….. strange never though I will have to call him “ex” ……. grrr…. Anyway ….. No contact for like …. well more than 9 days now. Fear of the next contact. Deep fear of me being able to reject the call/txt msg. Right. OK. Going out tonight with a male friend….. kinda not in a mood for it but….. well…. I won’t say no ,instead my option is to stay home in my bed ,with my laptop and refreshing facebook over and over again. Shame on you Mark Zuckerberg and your social network…..so addictive …….. bad for people.
Lots of almost-smiles to all of you

Fay

Oh you made me laugh, your sense of humour will get you threw the rough patches, love the horse reference…lol….

Ivy

Glad you kept a smile on your face at least for a while then! Keep smiling hang on!

4Get

(Day 30 of mutual NC and not even seeing each other)

Dear Ex,

I’m finished with my healing, and I don’t want you back anymore. You are not the person who I want to be with, you are the person who hurt me. I will take you back if you can master this entire list and really show me how much of a mistake you made. I highly doubt that you can; you told me yourself you want to put yourself first this term. Rest assured you won’t be hearing from me intentionally. Here’s why we cannot be together and why I will be continuing NC indefinitely:

1. You just couldn’t stop it with the mixed signals.
2. You have serious commitment issues and could not compromise.
3. You told me yourself that I could never be your best friend.
4. You don’t drink often, but you’re an out-of-control drunk.
5. You are absolutely obsessed with your career and made no room for me.
6. You can never have as much enthusiasm and care as I had for you.
7. You absolutely shattered my heart for bullshit reasons that hurt me.
8. Even when you said you were, you were never honest and open.
9. Everything we had for the last few weeks was a lie.
10. There was absolutely no attachment from you to me.
11. It was all a game; and I refused to play, which ended it between us.
12. I am the game: stronger, wiser, and more confident now.
13. I don’t care anymore; not for your baggage or even your plane ticket.
14. All of the reasons to stay with you are things I can get elsewhere.
15. There are better people for me out there waiting for me to find them.
16. You lost your “honeymoon phase glow” and I just don’t feel it anymore.
17. You have body image issues that hold you back from being beautiful.
18. You really did never give yourself enough credit for your talents.

Ex, I may have been inexperienced and insecure about things, but you have much more to learn about being in adult relationships. I’m finished with you; you told me yourself that you felt lucky that I chose you for a variety of reasons. Whether it was a lie or not, I know now that you damn well should have felt lucky.

I moved mountains for you; I risked it all for you; walked the wire for you; put myself to the test for you; was there for you unconditionally, and it still wasn’t enough for you. Maybe you’ll realize it at some point in the immediate future, maybe you won’t. I can’t decide which one I would rather you come to terms with.

I won’t be crying about it any more, and I’m not waiting for your call. If and when it comes, sleep well knowing that I think I’ll take my sweet time responding, and that it’s likely my response will be to ignore it completely.

Rest assured I will continue writing to you (on here) as I heal, but that the urges to actually write you are pretty much gone.

Goodbye,

4Get

Ivy

You inspire me. Please write more! Haha,write him ,so I can heal too haha! So much fun. It’s like you read my mind!
my life starts now

this is brilliant i love all the reasons to stay with you are are things i can get some where else this was an ah moment for me.please keep writting.
http://pulse.yahoo.com/_P4JMH5WCLL2KPDR5TEYCV42VVE Darren

Awesome, keep up the great job in your recovery!! It helps us all to read your thoughts. Isn’t it truly interesting how someone so beautiful or handsome takes on a much uglier look when they decide to be a person who uses others and then looks out for their own selfish interests..!

I am slowly coming to terms that she will never regret…because she has no humility and does NOT like admitting she is ever wrong. Its quite sad really but she told me early on; “I never go back..once my mind is made up, its done for good”.

I pity people who cannot make ammends or ask forgiveness or who even try. Sometimes life has a way of teaching us all lessons and I would rather try to learn, forgive and be forgiven than lead a life where I am never wrong…

4Get

But it’s also empowering. This relationship, my first, taught me a very important psycho-chemical thing about love. Attraction is a combination of two things. The first is who and what that person actually is. This is the thing that changes. The second is who and what that person is made to become in your mind. This is what we all struggle with!

Everything you wanted to be with that person, everything you told yourself, everything you saw through your own eyes regardless of what was actually there or not.

Once you can let go of that second thing, you’re well on your way to recovery. The first thing switches as they dump you or independently change. By the time you find someone else right for you, that perpetuation in your mind grafts onto that new person. The feelings of love, joy, beauty, attraction, and lust you felt for your ex are ALL things you will feel again, and likely much stronger for this new person. Sure, it’s a bit of a pain to have unresolved sexual urges and lonely nights in front of the TV from time to time, but that sense of excitement is very emotionally compelling for me!

Naive

I read some recent posts here about the Facebook temptations and that is exactly what put me into a tailspin a couple days ago…looking at his FB and seeing a pic of his new girlfriend. I knew better, but looked anyway. Now I see what Eddie means by staying away completely. It’s bad news, the Facebook thing, no matter what.
Lyns_matear

Stay strong!! I think they come and see us cause they truly miss us, but this is NOT fair, we were the ones that were left and they should have the decency to leave us be. But we dont stop them coming cause we love them. We are addicted to them. My ex also moved out and went down the rd to his mums house, so easy for him, I moved to the other side of australia to be with him and have no family over here. I am left with the rent to pay, he just packed his car and off her went. Hurts when you put so much into it and they just walk away….so easy for them. And you are right it feels like physical pain, sometimes I have to catch my breath.
Keep strong the pain will ease
Emerald_Turqouise

Today would have been day 11 of NC.
He wrote me a message on facebook saying “I miss you”. It was surprising because most of the time I bitterly imagined him with another girl. This message made all my feelings live up again, I cried, I wanted to write him how much i miss him too. That I want him back. I was doubting my decision of breaking up once more.
Next moment, they are playing “Who’s that chick” from Rihanna on the tv. And I feel good. I sing to the song and I feel good. I decided not to be weak and wrote back that ‘there are many women in his life and that he will be fine without me. i miss him too and im trying to be fine without him.’
Im kinda proud of myself for not having involved too emotionally in this NC rule break. but then again im not sure if it was the right answer either. and the worst thing: now im waiting anxiously for his answer. vicious circle…

Ivy

Errr…… act – don’t say . I mean don’t use words use your girl power a.k.a actions . He will see that you try to feel fine. This will hurt. And no,don’t get weak – You’re that chick Soooooo….. go out and flirt. Flirt like it’s your first time ! He he he …… !

Emerald_Turqouise

He wrote back. He said that he is not going to be fine without me. grrrrrrrrrr! -.- I really shouldnt have answered in the first place… now its all back as it was.

Ivy

Well – IF that is true , don’t answer him (if you haven’t already) just …. let him sweat and let him be persistent – if he is not going to be fine without you he won’t give up on winning you back on his side. Play him the way he played you. Give him his medicine . Be the strong one this time and let him PROVE his WORDS. Oi! Smile!

Mandah

Ah, hence the name of this website: Loves a game. It is very true, in every way, shape, and form. But sometimes, you HAVE to play that game. It can be fun and beneficial for YOU. Your ex is the last person you should care about. I have had all these ideas in my head about what I can do to make my ex sweat. Not answer when he calls me, be short with him, ignore him. All these things that I don’t normally do with him and I know would affect him if I could just follow through with them! My new plan: not be so available-in general. When I see my ex out, I don’t look at or talk to him. If he talks to me, I only tell him good things in my life, I keep the convo short, and I don’t give him details about my life.
Mandah

Ah, hence the name of this website: Loves a game. It is very true, in every way, shape, and form. But sometimes, you HAVE to play that game. It can be fun and beneficial for YOU. Your ex is the last person you should care about. I have had all these ideas in my head about what I can do to make my ex sweat. Not answer when he calls me, be short with him, ignore him. All these things that I don’t normally do with him and I know would affect him if I could just follow through with them! My new plan: not be so available-in general. When I see my ex out, I don’t look at or talk to him. If he talks to me, I only tell him good things in my life, I keep the convo short, and I don’t give him details about my life.
Ivy

Gooooooooooood. Wow.good one. Shall do it too. Hmmm … nice hint – THANK YOU!
Emerald_Turqouise

be strong and follow through them
Emerald_Turqouise

hehe i really like that idea! i havent answered him yet and now im not going to either, thanks!

4Get

Get it out… get it out any way you can. I had two anxiety attacks during my breakup process (over just two weeks; I normally have one every 18 months!) and it was absolute hell. Ensure that you get the help you need during those tough times… you have to call someone every time you feel it coming on! Make sure you keep writing… otherwise you may miss out on Mr./Ms. Right walking by you on the street tomorrow!
Mandah

Hi all! Just got back from a well-needed vacation. Had a nice, long weekend to enjoy 65 degree weather and sun, now I’m back home in the 15 degree weather and snow. Much to update you on:
I was doing great with being over him and not talking to him. Long story short, I found out on vacation when my doc office called, that I had an std. It’s one that is cleared up with antibiotics thankfully and very common, BUT i was broken because I am not the kind of girl to pick up something like that. i don’t sleep around. The only person I’ve slept with in the last 6 months is my ex a few times. He’s the ONLY one I have ever not used protection with. But I trusted him-and I was an idiot considering I knew he never used protection with ANYONE and he was hooking up with girls from the bar. Well I called him to tell him the bad news and I yelled at him and was SO angry. He was pretty speechless and just apologized. I told him I knew he would pick something up because of how he’s been living and sure enough, I was right. it’s just unfortunate that I had to be in the line of fire and get it from him. I talked to him again the next day and he was so apologetic and told me how he loves and cares for me and that he’s serious about wanting to get back together when he’s ready and blah blah. That is NOT stuff I needed to hear…that’s the stuff that pulls me back in and i start “waiting” for him again. I was so angry that he was telling me this stuff and about the whole situation in general. So now, I’m back to square one. I’m so done with this…
On another note, I’ve been talking to this guy via text. we had a class together last semester and he found me on FB a few days ago and messaged me and we’ve been talking since. Things were exciting at first, but now I feel scared. This always happens. I don’t think i’m in the right mind frame for a relationship right now. They always say that love will happen when u least expect it. Well I finally reached the point where I’m happy being by myself and spending my free time with friends, then this guy comes along. We have good convo and he seems like my type, but I’m too scared to let anything happen, I think. I feel so confused right now. So confused with my ex, so confused with starting something new. I’m in a weird place. My ex was crying TEARS on the phone because I told him that I don’t think it’s going to work because i want kids/marriage eventually and he doesn’t. He started saying how he loves me and how he really did plan on getting back together with me. Now now, because he’s STILL not ready. I DON’T GET IT! I just don’t know what to do…

Ivy

You see! You have other male friends around – at least stop yourself from thinking of this low-life while you’re around the other guys. Don’t get confused – confusion is like a virus – I will get confused too if everybody gets confused ,please spare meeeeeee!!!!!!!!! OH and …..don’t rush for a new realtinship. just……don’t .huge enormous big mistake if you don’t feel like he’s the love of your life. Just keep it nice steady and calm. Do not rush – if this guy is really cool,he’ll get it,he won’t push you. Smile and make them fall in love with that smile.

Mandah

Thank you Ivy! Yes, this just reconfirmed he’s a low life loser scum bag…I could go on and on. It’s taken a long time, but I’m actually okay with being single. I don’t have to answer to anybody, I can talk to or see whomever I like, and being taken out to dinner or for drinks is actually nice. My ex never did that. It’s been 7 months and I feel like i SHOULD be ready for a new relationship, but the fact is, I’m just not. it’s not so much that I’m hung up on my ex like I used to be, it’s more so that I want to enjoy my freedom. I’m young! I don’t need a man in my life right now. Thanks for your reply
http://pulse.yahoo.com/_P4JMH5WCLL2KPDR5TEYCV42VVE Darren

Great advice, all you girls are brats you know…smiles, love…lol

Kidding, kidding

Nothing but love here……;-)

Ivy

Haha ! Very funny! I mean…. well , I am indeed a flirt and I use my smile a lot for hunting beasts ( I mean for catching men ) But that is only if I am single & happy about it, which is like… rarely ( the happy part) I really love to be in a relationship and single time makes me tiiiiiired . And now I am single,unhappy or at least not-so-happy about it,because I’ve been left like a useless object by my depressed to the bone “man” . So my point is,ladies …..and gentleman , Eyes speak – smiles speak – don’t forget to show them when you’re out and about,because fact is ,may be a clichee but you never know who will fall in love with THAT smile and THOSE eyes.

Luke

Hmph

Ivy

OK so this No Call thing … is like you rip a part of your life from your own body and throw it in the bin. It’s kinda fun and freeing but also kinda sad and disappointing . IT’s like denying what happened to you during the last year (for me) or last 5 years for others or 10 or 1 month even. It’s complete and utter misery created by this failed creatures called EXES……
I don’t know what will get me through any on this ,but I try to stay focused on things other than ” What does he do where is he know who he is talking to is he going out every night …..” Just makes me sick to the stomach and I have a whole army of friends and family that already dislikes him so so so much . Starting to feel the dislike myself.
Well , I can’t make a decision by myself …. To hate or not to hate. To feel love not to feel love. To think or not to think. I hate beinga Libra,I am telling you. It’s like being torn between chocolate cake and ice cream and you should chose which one to eat….. erm – both?! So hate + love = Ivy is a complete fool for an aaaass*ooole. Ok, I hate the fact that I feel guilty for smiling . It’s like I put a nice smiling picture on my facebook and my skype – and instead of thinking “wow you go girl smile and feel free and fine withtout this burden in your life,this ex who didn’t knew if it scratches or if it hurts.” Instead of this i think like a compleeeeeeete idiot – “well now he will see I am smiling and will think I lied to him that i felt heart broken and that i love him and etc” ….Actually he’s the one who is kinda neglecting his “i love you’s” and “i really care for you’s ” I don’t wanna resemble him NOOO. I am honest and I just try to feel good :s Even if at moment i flip out and annoy the c… out of my friends with the same topics and phrases. I hope I get over him before he contacts me again because if not , I don’t know where I will find the will not to sweep of my feet. Or I just have to repeat myself what a mollusc he is ! And they say men must be the tough sex …. go figure. (speaking only of this creature)

Mandah

I know what you are saying when you say you hope you are over him before he contacts you again. I feel like even if we ARE over our exes, the moment they contact them all those feelings come flooding back. It’s a matter of being strong and remembering why we broke up with them in the first place. I’m TOO forgiving of a person-always have been. and it’s been a downfall of mine. I feel like my ex has done SO many unforgiveable things to me that the sound of his name should make me sick. I have forgiven him for far too many things, but I can’t help it! i feel as though it’s easier to forgive (not forget!) than to hold a grudge again somebody-ESPECIALLY somebody you loved! The only option is to be strong and to let these fools go.
Emerald_Turqouise

There is absolutely no need to feel guilty about putting a smiling picture on facebook! It’s your life, not his. If you put that picture, put it for yourself.
I mean I can totally understand if you want him to see your picture. Whenever I post something on facebook, I always have to think about his reaction on it, too. Sometimes I find myself posting something in order for him to see it.
But it really shouldnt be that way. I guess we should really block our exes on facebook… no chance for them to see nothing

Ivy

true true…..all true!

http://pulse.yahoo.com/_P4JMH5WCLL2KPDR5TEYCV42VVE Darren

Thank you for qaulifying your (creature) man. We are not all that way lol

Taking the high road is always best and speaks volumes about the kind of person you are. I love the mollusc comment….!

I appreciate you making me smile

Ivy

I appreciate you appreciate my efforts. At least I am funny sometimes…..!

Har30

Dear Eddie and all my friends here,
I got to share this with you all. Jan 30th was my birthday. It started with midnight wishes from my close friends and cake cutting in my hostel. It felt so good and special. Since it was a sunday , my morning was idle.I got calls from so many near and dear ones till the afternoon and it felt good. But in my hearts of hearts i was expecting the call of “my ex”. I really wanted him to call me and wish me. In the afternoon i went out with my reletives for lunch. we planned to go to an elite restaurant and celebrate. As we parked the car, my phone rang. It was an unknown number. I had deleted his number from my list. IT WAS HIM. He said happy b’day gorgeous. I recognised his voice but still i asked “may i know who is calling?” He said his name and asked me what m i doing for my b’day. i ended the call by saying that i am busy rt now and will catch up later. he said he is busy as well and will call at night. i said cool no problem. but he never called back.neither did i.I thought I’ll feel good if he wishes me but it felt horrible.It was painful to listen to his voice again. why the hell he had to call me…?? why …?? 45 days of peaceful NO CONTACT and then he had to call….why…?? the last thing i want to do is listen to his voice or see his face. Then why did he call…?? he has disturbed me again. I feel all the pain is back. Its like hitting the ground again. I AM IN PAIN. IN SO MUCH PAIN. All the good moments come to my mind despite all the wrongs he did to me. he never said sorry for what he did to me. May be he is not sorry. May be he just called to see how m i doing without him…maybe it was just a courtesy call may be it was nothing. but what was it??? My mind is churning with these non ending questions. All the pain is back.What to do…?? please help…I recently met a guy and he is head over heals in love with me. I talk to him but i feel nothing. He gives me all the love i ever wanted but my receptability is zero. I am just not capable of receving. I don’t want to fall in love again. LOVE=PAIN for me as of now. Please help me Eddie…..friends I need your addvice. Help me get rid of this pain.

http://pulse.yahoo.com/_P4JMH5WCLL2KPDR5TEYCV42VVE Darren

I am sooo sorry he called you. And I am sorry you got hurt again. Contact of any kind be it you to him or he to you does nothing to help resolve or recover.

Now for the good news……ready!!!
1. 45days is awesome…you will do better next time with even more resolve
2. You will hurt for some days…allow yourself to cry and hurt but don’t let yourself start the whole process completely over. Its ok you didnt know it was him. Like Eddie has said if its blocked or no ID best to let it go to voice mail. Then you have control to delete, you have the power.
3. Please don’t feel bad…the last bit of letting go of the tiniest strand it the toughest. Ask yourself if you would want to be hurt and go through it all again, would you really want him back, does true love act that way?

We are here for you, get tough with your mind…you are not your pain and you will love again.

Sorry not there to give a hug now but virtual hug engaged

best

Fletch

Ivy

Well I haven’t posted anything since the day we broke up. I just went facebookless. I just recently changed my pictures,and today for a second time …. and I just don’t want to let him know if I am fine,bad,good,sad,mad…. I want to be a “mystery” . Not letting him now how I am doing. He hasn’t earned the right to know this . And oh,if I have the bravery to put some pictures with friends of mine (male ones ) Oh,oh,oh…….!!! But I don’t……yet. I can’t block him. Too obvious saying “you hurt me I can’t look at you” . Simply ignore. Er,I lied. I just saw one hour ago another of his “depressing” songs which lyrics are something like : “oh I am a man and i will die because I am not ordinary like everybody else and oh love is gone and oh I can live on the moon now because I am so different and so abnormal ” …. phhhhhhh,please. Get real S. You’re nothing but a little boy who wishes to have power,money and endless line of friends. And you are soooo envious of all the people who has this all,that you must always speak negatively of rich people,of people who are more confident,more successful . Oops, I got carried away. My point? Oh my point is …. I want to get this off my chest people ,brace yourself : You – live – like – a – pig. And during this summer ,while we lived together in my apartment ( my parents were gone for 2 weeks and he came staying with me) I was soooooo fucking annoyed when you didn’t helped me with anything – I had to beg you to do the dishes,I did the dinners ,I washed your underwear and your smelly socks. Yep. I did. I am thinking – if I had to do this everyyyyy single day of my life with you….. I probably would make you eat your socks,and your underwear and probably would put some soap in your soup!!!!!!!!!! YES! GROW UP!
Please don’t get the idea I am a little person with anger issues. I am little person with lots of emotions . Right now they are just .. woooooah!

http://pulse.yahoo.com/_P4JMH5WCLL2KPDR5TEYCV42VVE Darren

Ivy

……..just stop it….just b r e a t h e……..you are cracking me up hard but I digress. You need to go back to being facebookless unless you agree to block everything from him and promise never to look upon his page. Can you do that?

Ivy

you are torturing yourself and me……I will get those blow up gloves and find out where you live and we WILL duke it out I am glad you are little because I am sure you hit hard but still you need to leave it be. No contact cmon, no looking, no asking, no telling, no texting, no typing, no, no no.

I chastise you in love, for the greater good…:-)

BIG HUG

Ivy

Thanks…… I feel desperate thought….. so broken hearted …..

Cinnadon

This comment page takes so long to load, probably because there are over 2000 comments on it! Sometimes I cant even get on. This is my favorite place on the site to post. I’m having a tough time this week. February 8 will make it 6 months that I haven’t seen or talked to him. (minus the text he sent me for my bday in September, and his other late nite text that I didnt answer). When I think of him and imagine us talking, I dont imagine him saying anything that would console me. I just hear him saying things to hurt me, to lie to me again. But for some reason, I still miss him. I also get a bad case of “anniversary issues”. Whether it be good things or bad thingns, I always think back to what I was doing a year ago. Last February was an incredibly painful month in dealing with him. In the beginning of the month he said he was going to come back to me. In the middle of the month he told me he loved me but he couldn’t give me what I wanted b/c he was going to reconcile with his wife (who had moved out). At the end of the month I notice one of his female “friends” on FB has him in her profile pic. I thought that was kind of strange…..I looked up the county courthouse records and discovered his wife had filed for divorce early in the month, and he told me the girl in the picture was a business client. Like a dummy I believed him. Anyway, February is painful for me.

Ivy

No. February is a new month for you which hides new opportunities for you. Brace the cold weather (if you are not living in Hawaii) and brace it will dignity and just convert these painful memories in …..just remove them. Replace them. Find something that will take your mind of the painful memories , if this month brings you bad feelings replace them with something that you adore,not love. Come on, you are amazing woman,do you deserve that much suffering?There are 1 00000000000000000 men out there waiting to be found. Communicate with old friends new friends …. friends of friends …. be active and say NOOOOOOOO to this painful month,which I hope you can convert in a happy,lovely month.

Cinnadon

Thank you very much for that reply Ivy. I shouldn’t have to relive all the pain from last year a second time. I will reclaim February as a happy month!!!!

Goddesskai

Cinnadon, I know how you feel about how long it takes to post. I do like this spot on this site to post as well. I’m sorry that Feb is so difficult for you. You should be very proud of yourself for not answering a late night text from him. That took courage. It also takes courage for you to allow yourself to feel the hurt and not try to mask it or escape it. You have done so very well at sticking with the no contact as well. You should maybe start thinking about all the things you have accomplished so far and all that you will accomplish. You are truly a courageous person and I admire you for sticking with it even when it is painful or uncomfortable. I say keep up the good work. It may not seem like it now but others see it

Cinnadon

Thank you soo much for that nice reply Goddesskai. I am proud of myself for not contacting him for almost six months now. Our relationship was very toxic, and I know it is in my best interest to keep him out of my life. I am going to make this February a hapier month!

http://lovesagame.com Eddie Corbano

The page loads too long? Weird. You shouldn’t get more than 50 comments on one page. Have you java-script enabled?

Anybody else experiencing problems with the site loading too slow?

http://pulse.yahoo.com/_P4JMH5WCLL2KPDR5TEYCV42VVE Darren

yes it loads very slow

http://lovesagame.com Eddie Corbano

Every page or just this one?

S.

just this one, i think it’s cause there have been tons of comments n it takes time for Discus (sp?) to load
http://lovesagame.com Eddie Corbano

That shouldn’t be a problem because I set it up that way that it only shows 50 comments max.

Very weird. Will check this out.

Goddesskai

OUT OF NO WHERE he texts me last night to tell me he is planning on getting a massage with a happy ending because he read it was good for his health. Give me an F-ing break. Why would he text me this? Am I supposed to be jealous? Upset? How bout disgusted? Because that’s what I am. I wish I could expose him for the debase “human” he is. I am sure I know so much about him that other people have no idea. Part of me wants to expose him and get revenge. But revenge is a tricky thing. I don’t want my anger to consume me and I believe in Karma. So I won’t do anything. Its hard for me not to feel sick to my stomach at all the messed up things he’s said to me in the past. I mean maybe in my head I should thank him for disgusting me. Maybe it will make it easier for me to let go. I know what’s going to happen. I’m going to get better and then he’s going to contact me just to see if I still want him. I hope I can hold on to the disappointment I feel as to what I wanted to see in him and what actually was the case. It was so hard for me to see the reality. I mean I had moments of clarity but then I’d go right back to trying to constantly win him over. I know when we don’t have contact as time goes on and on I seem to be getting more anxious. But that text last night really sealed the deal for me. I’m wondering if maybe I shouldn’t waste any more energy on this. I hate wishing my buzzing phone is him and I hate wishing he wouldn’t contact me all at the same time. I feel like I’m divided in two sometimes.

Ivy

I feel you. Same here. Same thing all over the world. Just……this matches me perfectly . Please,please….feel strong. I know you are ,deep inside. And you know you;re not alone. YOu have your family and friends….and online friend!? How blessed are we,the modern people now…….. Don’t be divided ……be yourself,and don’t let youself be taken by a guy that will not and has not deserved you!

Goddesskai

Thanks Ivy! Your words are very kind and have helped me a great deal just reading them. I have managed to not contact him because I am still hurt and disgusted. I’m torn because the anger keeps me strong but I feel like hanging on to anger is a bad thing. I feel so out of control. I hate that someone, anyone has this much power over my emotions!

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