Maintaining No Contact with your Ex-Partner is probably the hardest thing you’ll ever do.
You will question your motives and doubt yourself. “Why am I doing this? Why am I torturing myself?”
But you don't have to be helpless.
Three things will help you get through this. I'll show you how to resist the temptation to text or call, and stay strong.
Contents:
I know how horrible this is.
You wake up in the morning, and the pain rolls over you like a tsunami. All you want to do is text your Ex and make this all go away.
But you know that you can’t. You know that it would only make things so much worse.
As a result, you are confused, frightened, and don’t understand WHY all this is happening.
I know … because I’ve been there.
But as I've said, you are not helpless.
You can make it through, and I will show you how.
Should I Contact My Ex?
First of all, you need to understand on a deep level WHY you are doing this. The correct mindset is the most important thing.
I hope that you have read my main article on the No-Contact Rule.
If you haven't, here’s a summary about the “WHY”:
You do NOT break off contact to get your Ex back or to provoke a reaction. You do NOT do this to get back together again.
No.
You do this, because of two reasons:
1. You want to break your addiction to your Ex and gain a new perspective about the relationship.
Then, you can make a fact-based, objective decision about whether to re-conciliate or continue with your healing process. Be happy alone.
There is no chance of doing that while the “drug” is still circulating through your system (more about this later).
2. You want to take your power back.
If you are chasing your Ex all the time, you give away power. Your well-being is dependent on their reaction to what you do.
Everything they do matter to you. What they say, what they do, what they don't do.
No-Contact helps you to shift the balance of power in your favor. You free up energy and give yourself space and time to heal.
That is, in a nutshell, the WHY that you should always keep in mind during “difficult” times.
The direct answer to the question stated is this:
NO, you should NOT contact your Ex during the 60 Days of No-Contact.
60 days are the average time-frame you need to break the addiction.
How About Texting? Is That Okay?
Nope.
No-Contact means breaking off ALL contact.
The simplicity of sending a text message is what makes this hard. There are seemingly no consequences: You‘d just have to write a casual text asking them how they were and let the universe decide what comes after that.
I know that there are times when you miss your Ex so much that it hurts. Picking up the phone and texting or calling them would be so easy, wouldn’t it?
But would it also ease your pain or help your recovery?
No, it won’t.
Trust me … it won't.
On the contrary, actually.
“No Contact Is Killing Me.”
Texting can backfire terribly. Many of you have already experienced this. IF they do respond to your text, I guarantee that you won't like their response.
Let me tell you something important:
There is NOTHING your Ex can say to you in a phone call or text (or personally) that would reduce your pain in the long run.
They can only make it worse.
You DON’T want to know how they are doing (it is more than you can handle).
Also, NOTHING that you do or say will impress or endear them to you.
This is a fact that is very difficult to accept.
Don't risk your recovery over a stupid text.
Pull up your address-book and change the name of your Ex to “Do NOT Call or Text.”
Or, better yet, delete their number completely.
What If He Or She Doesn't Contact Me During No Contact?
If you ask yourself this question, then you haven't understood the purpose of the No-Contact Rule.
Asking this question implies that you are using the rule to make them miss and call you. You are playing mind games with your Ex.
That is NOT what this is about.
As I've said, following the rule the right way is NOT about manipulating your Ex into doing something that would make YOU feel better.
If you start your 60 Days of No-Contact in anticipation of THEM contacting or coming back to you, you will set yourself up for failure.
I know that this is contrary to everything the “Ex-Back Gurus” say.
I am different.
I want YOU to go through the whole recovery process first, and THEN decide if this is a relationship you want to try to save (a little hint… most do not).
I'm saying repeatedly and relentlessly since 2005: “Do NOT want your Ex back. Want yourSELF back!”
Your “game plan” is this:
- a new state of mind
- personal growth
- becoming a better person
- beating your emotional dependency on your Ex
That is the only way you can attract the person that you are meant to be with.
Got it?
Okay… now please read on.
“I'm Really Struggling With No Contact”
You have to accept that you are suffering from a form of addiction.
Thus, the concept of No Contact after a relationship breakup is like alcohol or drug rehab:
Avoid the very thing that you are addicted to.
In other words, get your butt as far away from your Ex as you can.
You need time to heal and detox from your Ex.
I’m sure you are having a rough time with this. I certainly did. It's hard.
That's why before we continue, please make sure that you read my extensive guide about how to apply the rules to your situation practically:
No Contact Rule After a Breakup: The Definitive Guide
It’ll help.
Are There Exceptions When to Contact the Ex?
Many of you ask if it's okay to contact them on certain occasions.
What to do on these occasions?
- Their birthdays
- Anniversaries
- Their accomplishments
- When they are going through tough times
- etc.
I know that you still feel a strong connection to your Ex, especially when you had a healthy relationship.
Do NOT call or text on any of those occasions.
NOTHING is worth risking your recovery and the progress you've made.
Calls or texts like this usually start with you congratulating them, and it ends with you proclaiming your undying love for them.
You will hate yourself later for it.
There are very rare situations where you should call, but don't worry about those right now (it's situations where being human is more important than your recovery, like on accidents, terminal illnesses, etc.).
You can't rationalize yourself out of the rule. There are NO loopholes.
The only way to contact again is when you finish the 60 days successfully.
But once there, will you still want to contact?
Only one way to find out …
How to Survive No Contact?
How the No Contact Rule Works
Just to reiterate:
No Contact means NO CONTACT with your Ex, either personally, by phone, through social media, email, or short message.
It means NO Facebook stalking, NO phone harassing, and NO parking/driving in front of their house. NO to every social network.
Big NO, NO, NO, to any of that.
You do this for a full 60 days.
(If you need daily motivation for doing this, you can subscribe to my free newsletter.)
But what do you do when it’s really getting tough, when missing your Ex becomes so unbearable that you pick up the phone and are about to call?
No Contact Help: How to Get Through
Three proven methods will help you stay strong during that time:
1. Distraction
The human brain can only concentrate on one thing at a time. If you are about to contact your Ex, have a list of prepared distractions that you can immediately put into action.
The best options are things where your brain is involved, where it has to figure out something. For example, research a specific topic, take quizzes, try puzzles, etc.
The more work your brain has to do, the better the distraction.
2. Call a Friend
When you are close to calling your Ex, call a close friend or a relative instead — a so-called No-Contact Buddy.
They will talk you out of it, as well as some sense into you.
3. Post HERE!
Let ME be your No-Contact Buddy.
Post in the comment section below:
- Your No Contact Count (in days).
- Everything you want to say to your Ex — just get it out of your system! (No profanities please.)
No Contact Encouragement and Motivation
How to Stay Strong During the No Contact Period
DO NOT CONTACT that Ex, put it all here! Unload all your anger and longing into our comment section.
By sharing your No Contact struggle with the LovesAGame Community, two things will happen:
- You will find that the need for contacting your Ex will be much less.
- The replies of other readers will give you hope and strength.
This is a beautiful and inspiring message someone posted in the comment section below. Please read it. It will motivate you to stay strong during No-Contact:
If you're reading this, I know the pain you're going through, and I know it hurts badly. All you want to do is text them and call them and ask for more chances and tell them how much they mean to you or whatever the case may be.
Please. I repeat, PLEASE do not text him/her.
I tried to be “friends” with my ex for two months after the breakup, and it was just non stop confusion and frustration. I ended up begging and pleading and making myself look like a complete idiot in front of my Ex (I begged two or three times).
So I made the best decision so far yet and just went completely no contact. I haven't had zero interaction with her whatsoever in two months, and it honestly feels great. I blocked her on my phone and deleted social media, so that way, I can't make a second account and lurk or have a temptation to look at her “enjoying” life.
Also, social media is a gimmick for likes and follows and attention, don't be fooled by his/her social media. But anyways, The #1 thing I regret doing THE MOST is trying to be friends with her at first and not starting no contact days after the breakup. I waited 2 MONTHS to start no contact.
My second biggest regret is begging. This may hurt to hear, but if you got dumped, this person basically just told you indirectly that they do not need you in their lives. So why continue to make yourself look like an idiot and get walked on?
There's literally zero reasons to want to be friends or mutuals with an ex.
Cut them off cold turkey and move on. F**k whatever past you had and any “friendship” before the relationship. That s**t means nothing now.
Now that you dated them and they dumped you, You know who they really are. Even if it ended clean and wasn't a dramatic breakup, they still don't think you're right for them.
If this person doesn't think you're good enough for them as a lover and decides they're happier “alone” or with “someone else,” then let them be and find your own path to happiness, whether it's by yourself or with someone else.
Trust me, I'm in the same boat. I'm legit praying every night that I find someone else, god willingly, I will, and so will you. Just be patient and enjoy your new single life.
Try to look at your life before them and think to yourself: if you were happy before them, you can be just as happy or even happier WITHOUT them again.
This is my first heartbreak, so if this is yours too, then just go with the flow and take this as a lesson.
If this isn't your first, then you should already know the process.
I'm not over it completely, but I'm A LOT better now. I'm a super insecure, low confidence person, so if I can get through it, so can all of you.
Good luck guys. We can do it!
Having said that, now it’s your turn. Post below and let’s help each other.
Your No-Contact Buddy,
Eddie Corbano
I am so hurt, the pain is so strong and all I want is a hug from my ex more than anything.
Me too. Stay strong. I will if you will. A xx
Just checked out his instagram after no contact for 2 days. About 3 days before that I i called him obsessively (like 40 times) and sent him several texts. We technically broke up about 5 months ago but we still continues to talk and sleep together and we basically acted like we were still together but we were both aware that we were not. Suddenly he blocked me on everything one day. I found out later it was because he had literally fallen in love with someone else after only being with them ONE month. Not even that, like 3 weeks. Thats why i went crazy trying to contact him because he was so so cruel about the entire situation and it was obvious that he kept stringing me along in the case that this girl didn’t end up being interested in him but the moment he realized she was, boom. Screw me, the girl who treated him like a king for almost 3 years. I know I need to stop checking his socials, and i definitely don’t want to embarrass myself by reaching out to him again but its so hard. this hurts so much.
What a jerk … go out and have some fun … make out with some random guys … he’s not worth it.
He is in a rebound. It will probably die if you stay away and stop being a stalker. He won’t remember the good times you had if you keep having negative energy. You need major no contact. As in block everything. I deactivated my social media for my NC. I removed his pictures from my photos page and ut them in an archived file on an external hard drive and gave it to a friend to keep. Along with all my presents from him and anything that reminded me of him. Had to go cold turkey. So do you if you want any chance of a decent relationship with him or anyone else.
I blocked him two days ago and it killed my insides ðŸ˜
I am on day 13 of no contact and it does not seem to get any easier. He is still the first person I wake up thinking about and whenever my mind wanders, it goes right to him. I try to think of all the tears, the arguments, the accusations, the finger pointing, etc but it does not make it any easier. I keep telling myself I will get through this, but I am not so sure. This is the second time that I have done no contact with him. This time, I actually blocked him on everything including his phone number, social media (I actually deactivated all of my social media to ease the possibility of him checking in on me.) I just want to move on with my life.. I am in no right mind to date but I just want to stop thinking about him, stop reminiscing on the memories, stop telling myself that he was my “one.” I do not understand why he has such a hold on me. 2 years.. of loving him, heartbreak, never feeling like I am good enough for him, yet here I am. Has he moved on? Does he miss me? All the questions going through my head are making me miserable.
Be Strong you are amazing!! Just keep looking forward everyday X
Stay strong. Sending hugs xox
I keep thinking, saying “Good morning” cant hurt…right?
This is Day 4 for me. I’m not sure if she broke up with me, or me with her. There was a LOT of emotion going on. This was a breakup over misunderstandings and past resentments. We get along great 98% of the time. But that 2%…:( I am feeling sad and heartbroken. I miss her and I hope she’s missing me.
She asked to “take a break” after I expressed irritation at her cancelling plans the night before (this was the weekend after Thanksgiving). I don’t as able to (mostly) keep no contact until she called Christmas Day. We started talking again and even saw each other. She claims that she loves me, but has no energy to see me due to an (actual) health problem. However, her calls and texts are sporadic for someone who cares as much as she says. I don’t want to be just available when only she feels like it. Not sure what her game is – is she stringing me along, or is she legit?!?!?!?
If she is stringing me along, I need her out of my life. (I know it’s normal for lesbians to be close friends with their exes, but I don’t think I can with her.)
Feel free to e-mail any insights!
After a long 6 yes relationship, he ended it with me for someone that’s 4 years younger than us both. It’s been 5 months since we’re broken up and he keeps giving me mix signals and make it seem like we’re gonna get back. He broke up with her twice and came back to me, but left me again and went back to her. We’ve been seeing each other and having sex, but it’s not like before. Like he doesn’t have the same enthusiasm. And when I go to ask him anything or have a deep conversation about what’s happening with us, he shuts me down and make me and my worries feel small and insignificant. This is basically the fourth time I’m trying this “no contact rule” because other research says it also help you to get your ex back. And maybe I am dumb to want him back. But he’s all I want in someone, minus the rough 5 months. I just want him to know how much I care and love him. But it sucks to be alone when he was my best friend and we use to talk all day, everyday. And now, nothing. Not even a text to see how I’m doing.
I’ve been through the same exact story! 5 months! Someone younger! And now not even a text!
Who cares if they’re 5 years younger or 10 years older…it’s just a jerk thing to do … if you’d wanted to have a polyamorous relationship then you should have been given the choice/of your approval from the outset: with your other boyfriend! Not worth your time or heart.
This is day 1 again after last contact after 3 weeks hiatus……. I gave in that time then proven me wrong….. Im so sick of myself to gave in…. Must reach April 4…..
Day 14 of NC and I’m really struggling
Fight! Honor your truth!!
We honestly have no other choice. If someone doesn’t want you in their life, there’s absolutely NOTHING we can do. Get in the mirror ancmd tell yourself “I love you” . I’m doing this for you… I will get thru this. I have too much self respect to chase someone who doesn’t want to be with me. I’m on Day 25. It WILL get easier.
I am on day one of no contact, and im not even sure how to go about it. Idk if i should block him, idk what exactly to do? I just know that i keep checking if he is online, i check to see if he sent me a message because i muted him. I keep checking him. And i want to press that call button so bad, or i just want to message him how i feel but i know it will push him away. Especially because its the reason he left me, because i am to controlling insesure, i put ideas in my head. This has to be the hardest thing ive done through.
I have yet to decide if I want to do this whole no contact with my ex. He explained to me how he lost feelings and he doesn’t love me anymore but to be honest, I’m not sure he ever loved me, I just think he loved that he wasn’t alone until he now decided that he “wants to be alone” but the next day he told me that his ex asked for him back and he is considering it and when I asked if he loved her, he said “a little” and when I asked if he even liked me, he said “no not anymore.” My heart is in pieces and my heart just feels heavy but I’m not sure what I should do… I asked him if we could talk as friends but I feel like that is only hurting me and making his ego bigger by thinking he can come back when you wants if things don’t work out with his ex.. Not talking to him for 30 days will definitely make him get back with his ex and I don’t want him to get hurt again… I need advice
Day 28 of no contact. It’s been hard. I wonder if I should be doing this no contact rule. It makes me feel like I’m losing you every second of the day as the days go by. I miss and love you and that’s what I want to tell you every day. My daughter still talks about you like you’re still here. Having to deal with daily reminders of you, to deal with not talking to you in the good or bad times, to not feeling your presence. You broke up with me, said you’re not in love with me anymore and that I’m not a team player(makes me wonder what we were doing for the past year). I know I hurt you but you also hurt me too(you broke my heart) and I’m still willing to work it out. I don’t want the distance, I just want to show you that I love you but taking the time to heal myself is what I’m doing first because I have my issues. I just hope you haven’t forgotten about me. I just wanna talk though, I wanna be your friend. Can I make this 30-60 days of no contact? sigh.
I initiated no contact with my ex about 2 weeks ago, she unfollowed me on social media but my Instagram is public and she’s viewed every story I’ve put up, been putting up a few a day and she looks at them all, but recently I went out on a date to try and mjve on and out the photo on my Instagram story, and a few other photos out for coffee and dinner, not of the person but the food. Now she’s stopped viewing them and I’m worried I’ve been too public early on
god, i honestly can’t tell you how many times i thought about you, how many times i want to say i miss you, how many times i want to say i love you. we had a great connection on everything. we clicked for sure. i loved you for damn sure. i am so sorry for causing you drama. i am pretty dramatic and i hate it. i am going to therapy to control my emotions. i meditate and think positive. it hurt that you told me i was a back up plan. i had no idea. it hurt me when you said you we’re not in love with me anymore. some days i have a crying fit and other days i am happy. i am happy without you but my vision is to be free with you. we say things we don’t mean in the moment. so i understand things you said weren’t really true. i don’t want to be a backup plan. i don’t want to be anyone’s back up plan. when you asked for space i gave it to you. i asked for space too when i asked for
no contact. i wish i could be in your presence but i know we need this space to move forward. i love you.
I decided to start The No Contact Rule because, he was ghosting me. We have been in a weird situation for over 10 years. During those years I got married but I always reach out to him and many times have seen him when things were bad in my marriage. And every time he promises to commit to me and then he disappears. I am divorced now and last month he ask me to move in with me and to give him the my house’s keys. I did and then again he ghosted again for several days. I went crazy and finally had the courage to tell him I am done and I am gonna start dating. It s been a week but I feel so bad and I want to contact him. It is hard and I know I have to stop thinking about him but it is so hard. I distract myself and I started seeing a psychologist but it is hard .. help pls
I texted him asking why he is in my account he told me he couldn’t move on and when I’m changing my password. He told me sorry I won’t go in ur acc anymore. I told him just talk to me he told me it’s gonna make thinks hard. He replied to all my messages right away. so what does this all mean we stopped talking now but did I mess up do I still have a chance? He is really a person that he stubborn and he will talk to you if you talk to him first I’m his first gf. I know this bc he liked a girl so much and they called each other (this was before me) crying that they like each other but he didn’t take any steps so she went with someone else he is too scared to make first steps and I know he was really in too her. So what do I do? Do I still have a chance
I was in no contact for 2 weeks till today We had a relationship of 2,5 years. I really want to talk to you and pay you and I’ll take anything from u but I rlly don’t have the money right now so if u read this Thankyou anyway. I appreciate it
Before what happened:
Every day he was in my Snapchat looking what I was doing
I want to tell him that I don’t want to lose what we had, I have so many confused feelings
Husband of almost 10 months has lied, deceived me, not wore wedding ring since July and has not told 2 out of his 4 adult kids about this marriage. He has totally disrespected the sanctity of our marriage for the last time over this past weekend. It’s been 2 days and I am just totally done. Help???
I’m trying no contact and only 3 days in. The thing is we split up years ago and remained on good terms however I found something out and confronted him, he denied it and now I’m here.