Maintaining No Contact with your Ex-Partner is probably the hardest thing you’ll ever do.
You will question your motives and doubt yourself. “Why am I doing this? Why am I torturing myself?”
But you don't have to be helpless.
Three things will help you get through this. I'll show you how to resist the temptation to text or call, and stay strong.
Contents:
I know how horrible this is.
You wake up in the morning, and the pain rolls over you like a tsunami. All you want to do is text your Ex and make this all go away.
But you know that you can’t. You know that it would only make things so much worse.
As a result, you are confused, frightened, and don’t understand WHY all this is happening.
I know … because I’ve been there.
But as I've said, you are not helpless.
You can make it through, and I will show you how.
Should I Contact My Ex?
First of all, you need to understand on a deep level WHY you are doing this. The correct mindset is the most important thing.
I hope that you have read my main article on the No-Contact Rule.
If you haven't, here’s a summary about the “WHY”:
You do NOT break off contact to get your Ex back or to provoke a reaction. You do NOT do this to get back together again.
No.
You do this, because of two reasons:
1. You want to break your addiction to your Ex and gain a new perspective about the relationship.
Then, you can make a fact-based, objective decision about whether to re-conciliate or continue with your healing process. Be happy alone.
There is no chance of doing that while the “drug” is still circulating through your system (more about this later).
2. You want to take your power back.
If you are chasing your Ex all the time, you give away power. Your well-being is dependent on their reaction to what you do.
Everything they do matter to you. What they say, what they do, what they don't do.
No-Contact helps you to shift the balance of power in your favor. You free up energy and give yourself space and time to heal.
That is, in a nutshell, the WHY that you should always keep in mind during “difficult” times.
The direct answer to the question stated is this:
NO, you should NOT contact your Ex during the 60 Days of No-Contact.
60 days are the average time-frame you need to break the addiction.
How About Texting? Is That Okay?
Nope.
No-Contact means breaking off ALL contact.
The simplicity of sending a text message is what makes this hard. There are seemingly no consequences: You‘d just have to write a casual text asking them how they were and let the universe decide what comes after that.
I know that there are times when you miss your Ex so much that it hurts. Picking up the phone and texting or calling them would be so easy, wouldn’t it?
But would it also ease your pain or help your recovery?
No, it won’t.
Trust me … it won't.
On the contrary, actually.
“No Contact Is Killing Me.”
Texting can backfire terribly. Many of you have already experienced this. IF they do respond to your text, I guarantee that you won't like their response.
Let me tell you something important:
There is NOTHING your Ex can say to you in a phone call or text (or personally) that would reduce your pain in the long run.
They can only make it worse.
You DON’T want to know how they are doing (it is more than you can handle).
Also, NOTHING that you do or say will impress or endear them to you.
This is a fact that is very difficult to accept.
Don't risk your recovery over a stupid text.
Pull up your address-book and change the name of your Ex to “Do NOT Call or Text.”
Or, better yet, delete their number completely.
What If He Or She Doesn't Contact Me During No Contact?
If you ask yourself this question, then you haven't understood the purpose of the No-Contact Rule.
Asking this question implies that you are using the rule to make them miss and call you. You are playing mind games with your Ex.
That is NOT what this is about.
As I've said, following the rule the right way is NOT about manipulating your Ex into doing something that would make YOU feel better.
If you start your 60 Days of No-Contact in anticipation of THEM contacting or coming back to you, you will set yourself up for failure.
I know that this is contrary to everything the “Ex-Back Gurus” say.
I am different.
I want YOU to go through the whole recovery process first, and THEN decide if this is a relationship you want to try to save (a little hint… most do not).
I'm saying repeatedly and relentlessly since 2005: “Do NOT want your Ex back. Want yourSELF back!”
Your “game plan” is this:
- a new state of mind
- personal growth
- becoming a better person
- beating your emotional dependency on your Ex
That is the only way you can attract the person that you are meant to be with.
Got it?
Okay… now please read on.
“I'm Really Struggling With No Contact”
You have to accept that you are suffering from a form of addiction.
Thus, the concept of No Contact after a relationship breakup is like alcohol or drug rehab:
Avoid the very thing that you are addicted to.
In other words, get your butt as far away from your Ex as you can.
You need time to heal and detox from your Ex.
I’m sure you are having a rough time with this. I certainly did. It's hard.
That's why before we continue, please make sure that you read my extensive guide about how to apply the rules to your situation practically:
No Contact Rule After a Breakup: The Definitive Guide
It’ll help.
Are There Exceptions When to Contact the Ex?
Many of you ask if it's okay to contact them on certain occasions.
What to do on these occasions?
- Their birthdays
- Anniversaries
- Their accomplishments
- When they are going through tough times
- etc.
I know that you still feel a strong connection to your Ex, especially when you had a healthy relationship.
Do NOT call or text on any of those occasions.
NOTHING is worth risking your recovery and the progress you've made.
Calls or texts like this usually start with you congratulating them, and it ends with you proclaiming your undying love for them.
You will hate yourself later for it.
There are very rare situations where you should call, but don't worry about those right now (it's situations where being human is more important than your recovery, like on accidents, terminal illnesses, etc.).
You can't rationalize yourself out of the rule. There are NO loopholes.
The only way to contact again is when you finish the 60 days successfully.
But once there, will you still want to contact?
Only one way to find out …
How to Survive No Contact?
How the No Contact Rule Works
Just to reiterate:
No Contact means NO CONTACT with your Ex, either personally, by phone, through social media, email, or short message.
It means NO Facebook stalking, NO phone harassing, and NO parking/driving in front of their house. NO to every social network.
Big NO, NO, NO, to any of that.
You do this for a full 60 days.
(If you need daily motivation for doing this, you can subscribe to my free newsletter.)
But what do you do when it’s really getting tough, when missing your Ex becomes so unbearable that you pick up the phone and are about to call?
No Contact Help: How to Get Through
Three proven methods will help you stay strong during that time:
1. Distraction
The human brain can only concentrate on one thing at a time. If you are about to contact your Ex, have a list of prepared distractions that you can immediately put into action.
The best options are things where your brain is involved, where it has to figure out something. For example, research a specific topic, take quizzes, try puzzles, etc.
The more work your brain has to do, the better the distraction.
2. Call a Friend
When you are close to calling your Ex, call a close friend or a relative instead — a so-called No-Contact Buddy.
They will talk you out of it, as well as some sense into you.
3. Post HERE!
Let ME be your No-Contact Buddy.
Post in the comment section below:
- Your No Contact Count (in days).
- Everything you want to say to your Ex — just get it out of your system! (No profanities please.)
No Contact Encouragement and Motivation
How to Stay Strong During the No Contact Period
DO NOT CONTACT that Ex, put it all here! Unload all your anger and longing into our comment section.
By sharing your No Contact struggle with the LovesAGame Community, two things will happen:
- You will find that the need for contacting your Ex will be much less.
- The replies of other readers will give you hope and strength.
This is a beautiful and inspiring message someone posted in the comment section below. Please read it. It will motivate you to stay strong during No-Contact:
If you're reading this, I know the pain you're going through, and I know it hurts badly. All you want to do is text them and call them and ask for more chances and tell them how much they mean to you or whatever the case may be.
Please. I repeat, PLEASE do not text him/her.
I tried to be “friends” with my ex for two months after the breakup, and it was just non stop confusion and frustration. I ended up begging and pleading and making myself look like a complete idiot in front of my Ex (I begged two or three times).
So I made the best decision so far yet and just went completely no contact. I haven't had zero interaction with her whatsoever in two months, and it honestly feels great. I blocked her on my phone and deleted social media, so that way, I can't make a second account and lurk or have a temptation to look at her “enjoying” life.
Also, social media is a gimmick for likes and follows and attention, don't be fooled by his/her social media. But anyways, The #1 thing I regret doing THE MOST is trying to be friends with her at first and not starting no contact days after the breakup. I waited 2 MONTHS to start no contact.
My second biggest regret is begging. This may hurt to hear, but if you got dumped, this person basically just told you indirectly that they do not need you in their lives. So why continue to make yourself look like an idiot and get walked on?
There's literally zero reasons to want to be friends or mutuals with an ex.
Cut them off cold turkey and move on. F**k whatever past you had and any “friendship” before the relationship. That s**t means nothing now.
Now that you dated them and they dumped you, You know who they really are. Even if it ended clean and wasn't a dramatic breakup, they still don't think you're right for them.
If this person doesn't think you're good enough for them as a lover and decides they're happier “alone” or with “someone else,” then let them be and find your own path to happiness, whether it's by yourself or with someone else.
Trust me, I'm in the same boat. I'm legit praying every night that I find someone else, god willingly, I will, and so will you. Just be patient and enjoy your new single life.
Try to look at your life before them and think to yourself: if you were happy before them, you can be just as happy or even happier WITHOUT them again.
This is my first heartbreak, so if this is yours too, then just go with the flow and take this as a lesson.
If this isn't your first, then you should already know the process.
I'm not over it completely, but I'm A LOT better now. I'm a super insecure, low confidence person, so if I can get through it, so can all of you.
Good luck guys. We can do it!
Having said that, now it’s your turn. Post below and let’s help each other.
Your No-Contact Buddy,
Eddie Corbano
I’m going through this right now and I’m missing him soo much but it’s really hard for me to deal with my feelings I’m scared of the thought that maybe I’m doing this because i want him back but when i think about it I’m not actually doing this for him i mean yes a little but i gotta keep in mind that this relationship isn’t the relationship i deserve i don’t deserve this person i deserve better in life i gave my whole to people who didn’t appreciate it i deserve someone to treat me equally not someone like him I’ll stay strong because i am strong already and i have to love myself i have to do this thing that i couldn’t do now it’s time to learn that only me . I’m the only person who can give me happiness
I really wish I would’ve had the strength encourage to manage the no contact rule. I guess I believed him whenever he said he really wanted to be my friend. At first he represented well but I just made it too difficult with my emotions. Fast forward four months and our friendship is pretty much nonexistent and he doesn’t think that he can do it. Now I get a second chance at no contact. This time after losing a friend
Greetings ,
I had an unfortunate argument with my girlfriend. I first texted her telling her I was unhappy about some things in our relationship, then I made the mistake of showing to her house and she asked me to not contact her or her family , told me she needed space . There wasn’t any violence or curse words, but I made her mad by going to her house after she asked not to do this. I feel extremely bad now, and not sure what will happen between us. I acknowledge I made mistakes, I love her and want to be with her but I’m afraid this might be the end.
Is no contact going to heal me?
It’s the prerequisite for a fast recovery. You’ll have to do additional work while on NC.
This is day one of no contact for me, though I have tried this numerous times in the course of a year emotionally abusive relationship.
Its a cycle, I feel pain, like physical withdrawal and a loss. I just want to keep it up one day at a time. He tries to contact me which seems to fuel my self esteem that he still wants me, or he still hurts. When he stops contacting me that is when I get nervous. I guess in my mind I still don’t believe we won’t get back together because this has been the endless cycle for 2 years. Love bombing/feeling so good and connected/abuse/reconcilliation. The love bombing is so good I always want to get back to that.
U deserve better than this
If u didn’t give yourself Your true value no one would
Block him. Then you won’t have that anxiety.
My ex and I were together for 4 years. He moved out and we broke up a year ago but we have not gone more than a week without seeing each other the whole year. We were together but not at the same time. I’ve tried to do no contact before but one of us contacts the other or I just fail completely. Today is day 1 no contact. Yesterday I texted him and he always replies right back and misses me too but he never initiates contact. I am slowly accepting this is the end after so long. I thought we could be “friends” no no no you can’t be friends with your ex, sadly. This is literally the worst pain I’ve ever felt but there is no other choice. I find it very helpful to read everyone’s comment’s, I feel like I’m not so alone.
Hi Shannon. Me too. Me & my ex were together for 4 years. Today is my 3rd day of no contact. The problem is today my ex messaging me twice. It hurts.
Tell him to stop. Tell him you need to process the breakup and move on. And than don’t reply to more texts unless he specifically says that he wants to get back together. Not just that he misses you. They all say that to keep you on the bench in case nothing better comes along.
How do you know that this is the end? I always say, “this is it, this is the last time, he has just hurt me so much, why do i keep going back. What are you doing to get to acceptance and KNOW that you can make this the real end?
Me and my ex have been going through this endless cycle for one year now today is my 1st day of no contact It is really painful but it helps to read other people’s post to know that you’re not alone.
We ended things because he was going away for a long time but I’m not sure if he felt the same way I did. I haven’t spoken to him for 2 weeks but have been stalking his social media all the time , I deactivated all my social media’s today so now I feel so depressed and scared at the idea of complete no contact. I miss him so much and it makes it so hard because I have no idea how he feels 🙁 It only really ended because he was going away and I don’t know if he felt the same way as me at all, just don’t feel like I have any closure so I can’t grieve properly.
Finally, Day 4 of the NC. Going great. I made some material changes in my surrounding. I listed skills that I will learn during this NC period. Purchased new pens, notebooks and planner. Its like I am giving myself full attention. First day I had urge to reach her but then tried to be mindful and the thought disappeared after a while. I have made some radical changes in the my routine. To be really honest, I am definitely feeling much better and have gained better control on my emotions. Lets see how it goes. Will keep you all posted. Wishing great life to everyone who reads this. Thank you.
I feel beyond stupid right now. I don’t even know this guy, and I guess I fell hard for him. It’s been a week since he just stopped responding to me. I didn’t try to contact him, knowing it’s for the best. Deleted the contacts I had for him. I don’t even know why I’m so sad about this since it was only a potential relationship that never went anywhere. My friends don’t understand so I’m just journaling and writing about it too help me cope. I almost reached out so I looked up how to not contact your ex. This helps.
I had the most beautiful long distance sort of fantasy love affair with a man in another continent. I had recently left my abusive ex husband so to sort of practice at loving somebody at a distance was lovely. We talked on the phone and messaged daily. For 2 years. We met in Paris, which was a kind of bliss. We met again in London. He had periodically disappeared but either I contacted him or he contacted me again. It left me heart broken when he went. I have been obsessed with him for years. About 2 weeks ago he disappeared. I asked him why and could he tell me if he’s not interested anymore. No response. I’ve stopped any more contact as it’s killing me. I’ve never felt like I did with him with anybody else. We were never fully sexual. Kissing and everything else. When we started he talked about this kinky kind of dom/sub sex which did not interest me. I’m at a loss to recover and understand. He has been on my mind every second for two years. He was like a father, brother and lover.
For me it’s been 8 days since I’ve spoken to him at all… I miss him like crazy, but i know this is what i have to do, last time this happened I still talked to him, i still helped him and gave him money when he needed it, or gave him rides places or did other things for him and i know that isn’t going to work because then he just knows that no matter what he puts me through I’ll still be here and do anything for him even if we aren’t together, so i had to put a stop to all of that… i love him and I want him to miss me. But idk, maybe it’s time for me to just move on and i don’t want to.
I was dating a girls and to my surprise she was dating another guy simultaneously. One day she started ghosting and this has taken a great toll on my life in every aspect. I even lost some friends and well wishers. I am currently jobless and completely broke. I cant even think to do anything. Thinking to give me a good change by starting a no contact with this girl. I have been in contact with her on and off with hope of getting her back. But then one day I understood I am fooling myself and hurting myself. But starting today I made a decision to move on.
He has given me the silent treatment for 5 days now. I am making a fool of myself by calling him over and over and over. I am doing drive bys. I’m calling his friends. I’m driving through motel parking lots because I know he is with another woman. I have sent him hundreds of text messages saying things just trying to get a response. This is not my idea of a relationship. I have been through this for 6 years and I know he could care less about me. He doesn’t have the ability to care about anyone but himself. He has cheated on me the entire time. I’m embarrassed, I am humiliated, I am so depressed, angry. I am isolating because I don’t want to have to explain to anybody whats going on. Nobody understands my addiction. I try so hard not to feel every minute of everyday.
I know your pain. I’ve been with my husband since I was 13 years old. I’m 29. We have three small children. He left me for another woman. I cry everyday. In 16 years, I’ve never had to get over him and now I do. My heart literally aches. I can’t ignore him completely because we have to communicate because of our children. But he does text me about other things and I made the decision to ignore everything. I owe it to myself. I’ve been hurting long enough.
I was involved In an affair that lasted for 14mths and realized when i told my husband that there was no future with this affair partner. It was truly an addiction . I realized what i had at home..the hard way. My affair partner basically bailed on me when the house of cards came down..seemingly washed his hands of the mess and told me to accomplish something at home. And to update him. That was 28hrs ago and i havent contacted him since. I felt that was his way of dumping me. To move forward at home he cannot be in my life. But the pain of losing that habit and addiction is taking over my mind. HELP
Don’t update him. How dare he command you to do that. Every time you have a thought about him, do something nice for your husband. Love is a verb. Love your husband. Love is something you can choose to do. Block and break off all contact with the affair guy. He deserves to be miserable and in a few weeks he will be if you stay strong. If your husband is willing to make the marriage work (something was missing if you had an affair), put your energy there. I went through exactly what you are about 20 years ago and made a mistake. Lost a good marriage for a piece of crap who I dumped weeks after my divorce.
3 days into no contact.
It has been hard as hell. I know I can make it, but it won’t be easy. I feel like I was undervalorized. I really did the best I could all the time. I was always there, I always cared for her, let no one hurt her. Even in her worst moments, I was there. I think people should think about their partners before doing the breakup
I went not contact over two months ago -he came around after a month, returning a t-shirt and I told him clearly that we were done, it’s been about 6 weeks and googles him to find out he had taken a job with a company literally the next street over. Ugh – I am so angry right now – pure anxiety – it’s a small town so bound to have an encounter which I was so hoping to avoid – feeling a little deflated 😕; we had a 7 year affair – two years together trying to build a life and he walked in one day and asked me to leave – (fairly certain out togetherness was a complete charade to help him through his divorce and he had someone on the side when he threw me out) it has been devastating 😕
Move on. Start dating. He clearly has moved on. Just because his job is near you doesn’t mean it was about you. If you run into him, a polite and impersonal nod is all you need. If he starts a conversation, just say, “I’m doing great. Thanks for asking!” and keep walking, leave the room or turn to someone else and start a new conversation.
I don’t know what she wants. I did as she said, I sacrificed my happiness for her, myself for her. I accepted her male friend. I did what she wanted of me. Then why suddenly ignore me? She promised to never let go. She became an addiction. I want to never do it again, if she can’t respect me, give me my space, my time then it’s better I’m off without her. I love myself and that’s all I need. I can eat chocolate and that’s love. True self-love 🙂♥ï¸.
> did as she said, I sacrificed my happiness for her,
>myself for her. I accepted her male friend.
>I did what she wanted of me.
I think that because you did all that, that was the problem
We honestly have no other choice. If someone doesn’t want you in their life, there’s absolutely NOTHING we can do. Get in the mirror ancmd tell yourself “I love you” . I’m doing this for you… I will get thru this. I have too much self respect to chase someone who doesn’t want to be with me. I’m on Day 25. It WILL get easier.
Thank you. This helps.
Day 25 of no contact 💪ðŸ½ðŸ’ªðŸ½
Mine is a long story. I loved my ex like crazy, we had been together since our teenage, we always had problems but we loved and cared for each other a lot. But after we got into college, I started making new friends, there were guys who liked me a lot and treated me very nicely, I got a bit distracted, he broke up with me and that’s when I started hanging out with other but only after a few days I came back because I knew these were not the people I wanted in my life but it was my ex, I know I made a big mistake and ever since I’ve been doing everything I can to get him to come back, he hardly talks to me or replies. Recently he’s been going out on dates, I know he wants me to feel what he felt. He knows I never loved anyone else other than him, I just want him back. I love him like crazy, I tried NC for 2 days but ended up calling him today, crying and begging again, I also forced him to tell me about his dates. I don’t know what to do
Stay strong. It will help you. I have lost everything in this quest to get my ex back. Dont fall back. Really stay strong.