Top Menu

Success Story: How Closure Made Me Stronger

The following email from our regular reader “Sachao” from Germany is a very inspiring success story about getting closure and your strength back after she had to face her Ex.

What would YOU do, if you ran into your Ex continuously after returning to a small town after 6 months no-contact?

Please read on.

My ex-boyfriend and I were together for 7 months when I had to go abroad for a semester (6months) to study. I was very excited to go to France and my ex, who had traveled a lot himself, was always very supportive.

Of course, it was a challenge: only together for 7 months and then me going away for 6 months, but I was pretty confident we would make it.

Before I went to France, my ex and I had a big talk: he was having doubts about me going away, and I wanted to clear it once and for all. I wanted to be sure that he really wanted to put in effort in our long distance relation.

During the talk, he stated he really wanted to go for it, make it work and wanted to continue with me. He proposed to book a holiday to Italy after I would come back from my Erasmus, and we booked a couple of weekends where I would return to him or when he would visit me in France.

For me, this was a confirmation that things were going well.

Full of confidence, I went to France.

The first 2 weeks were hard, but afterwards I started to enjoy myself. I noticed my ex and I weren’t having that much contact (he did not call me very often), but I thought he needed to build up his life without me and I needed to build up a life in France.

6 weeks later, out of the blue, my ex called me and said he was having doubts and that he couldnt do it anymore, that his feelings were different.

It was so out of nothing for me, I was totally shocked. He broke up with me over the phone, 5 days before I would return to him for a weekend, not giving me any explanation.

The last part was the hardest, the “I cannot do this anymore” was not enough for me. Why couldn’t he explain more?

Stunned and broken, he was my first love and I had had so much faith in us… how often he would say that what we had was special. And now, he just left me out of the blue. Pretty much without reason, he even said himself “i don’t know why i am doing is but I just can’t anymore”.

Being so far away from my friends and family made it even harder, although I had a lot of support from my friends in France.

The months afterwards I was broken, dazed and confused, but still enjoying my time in France, having no contact whatsoever with my ex. Still, it was influencing my time in France, which looking back, I blame my ex the most.

When the end of my Erasmus came near, I was getting anxious and scared to go back to my hometown, where my ex also lives and studies. And indeed, when I came back, the hardest part had yet to start. Being abroad was a good thing, but also gave me space to run away from my feelings.

When I came back the only people standing at the airport were my parents, my heart broke again. It was a confirmation that it was really over.

In my first week back, I immediately ran into him. I knew this would happen lots of times, since we have some common friends and live in the same small town in Germany.

After a few miserable weeks back in Germany, I HAD to break the no-contact rule. I had to talk to him. Not to get answers, I did not expect any answers, but to tell my ex what I thought of the way he handled it. A relationship break up over the telephone, out of the blue without giving me any time to ask something or to express my thoughts. I needed this for closure.

I already told myself that I was not going to break; I was going to be strong, tell him my thoughts, and walk away.

Luckily my ex responded positive, so we met up.

Strangely enough, when he was sitting in front of me, I was seeing a totally different person than with whom I was together. I told him all my thoughts, but in a strong and confident matter, like it did not bother anymore (which wasn’t true, but i did not want to show him my pain). I was so strong, and saw him looking like a lost young spoiled rich boy more and more.

He admitted everything: he was afraid because of the long distance, had panicked and acted in an impulsive way. For me it was clear that he was too immature and could not handle difficult things, that he was to weak to fight for something. He already had a new girlfriend, somebody who would never go abroad without him, a very ‘easy girl’ who would do anything he says. The opposite of me, but apparently he wants a less complicated relationship now.

I ignored the spark that was still there between us, stayed strong and walked out again. I never have felt so strong. He admitted everything, and I was again the strongest person.

He fell off his pedestal. For me, this was closure.

Now we can walk by and say ‘hi’, without any problems. Sometimes it still hurts a bit, but the way he acts and stands in life is just not for me. I want somebody who want to fight for me, somebody strong enough. Because he was my first love, I did not have any comparison. Now I know, that there are nicer and stronger guys then my ex.

What I want to say is that closure is really important. For me, this was the conversation. Everybody has to find their own closure. Breaking the no-contact rule is only a good thing if your only goal is closure, not getting back together or getting answers. It has to be closure for YOU.

Apart from closure, distraction is a good thing. Go do sports, or go traveling. Just do not run away from your pain, like I did in France. It will catch up and affect you even harder later.

I have become a more confident and strong person from this experience and now see it just as something everybody has to get through sometimes in life. I do not have a new boyfriend yet, but I am starting to enjoy being single again.

Everybody will get their portion of bad luck in life, and you will get through. But you have to WANT to get better, do not stay in the place of the dumpee.

Sachao

What Sachao did was risky and heroic at the same time.

To break no-contact in order to find closure is a noble intention, but unfortunately the reality is very often a different one. Truth is it can go terrible wrong. You walk into it too early or unprepared, you WILL be devastated. Usually I absolutely do not recommend it. It’s simply too risky and there are many ways to get closure without having to involve the Ex.

Luckily it worked out for Sachao and gave her her life back.

What she did was remarkable: she took control of her life.

She refused to be a victim and decided to be strong. She chose to take action instead of being passive.

She was rewarded for that by learning that her Ex isn’t the person she thought he was, that he wasn’t able to live up to her expectations. That gave her the strength to carry on.

Thank you Sachao for your inspiring story and all the best for your future.

What do you think? Is closure a must or simply too risky? Please comment below in the comment section.

Your friend,
Eddie Corbano

P.S.: By the way, if you have a similar inspiring story to share, please do so by contacting me. Thanks.

, , ,

39 Responses to Success Story: How Closure Made Me Stronger

  1. Jessie November 5, 2009 at 9:01 pm #

    I was dumped after two years of dating my Ex. I’ve known him for over 15 yrs but we only started dating in 07′ . When I met up with him in 07′ he was seperated from his then wife at the time and I knew it was a bad idea for me to jump into his life after he was in a 7 year relationship with his wife. Our relationship has been a rollercoaster ride since and I’m kind of relieved it’s over…i just feel so hurt because I believed we would make it. I guess Nothing lasts forever. It’s been 3 weeks since we broke up and I tried to do the “Closure” thing the right way…it back fired. I feel so ashamed and worthless I ended up pouring my heart out to this man instead of saying good bye (my original plan)
    getting zero emotion from him hurt even more. I just thought how could he just sit there and watch me fall apart…

  2. Sarah November 6, 2009 at 9:17 pm #

    It probably isn’t advisable but people do seem to need to do it! I’ve talked to lots of women who have done different things. Sometimes they get closure from not doing anything (which is great) – one woman I talked to got dumped by email, and her closure was to not respond. Another responded to a text breakup by sending an understandably angry email (but not psycho!).

    Others have needed one last conversation to ask questions like Sachao and Jessie. Of course it doesn’t always work very well, but they got a chance to ask those last questions – the ones they were too shocked to ask in the breakup conversation.

    You never do get what you need from your ex though, as many of us just want him back – the trick is to let go after that closure action. Not always the easiest thing to do!

    • GoldenChildEmcee January 6, 2010 at 12:48 am #

      First and foremost this was some helpful information. I honestly can relate, I am a dumpee of a 2 1/2 yrs relationship and there is children involved. Its been over a month now and I still fell pain and we tried to remain friends but everytime I saw her, it would become more unbarable. She constantly tells me I am a good man, and that she loves me and I tell her to keep those thoughts to herself, because it sends mixed messages. I must say I am really been really broken up by this. I don’t know what to do about seeing her and picking up my kids. She started dated 2 weeks after we broke up. If anyone knows of helpful information please contact me.I hate being love sick.

  3. lee November 10, 2009 at 1:38 am #

    i was dumped in a similar situation to Saccheo. my girlfriend of 6 months moved back to chicago to deal with some family issues. she was not sure for how long she’d be gone and i considered going to chicago eventually if she was going to stay longer. we talked about breaking up but then decided to leave things open. she’d come to my sister’s wedding in a month when we’d revisit the subject.

    well, for one thing our communication had never been great. she had never been into “talking about things” and would always shut me out when i tried to talk about her move in person. we’d struggled to get to a resolution.

    i went to california for the month and three days after she was gone in chicago, she did just what she said she wouldn’t do– shut me out, broke up with me over the phone, and made some lame blaming excuse like “i can’t deal with you”. it made my time in california terrible. everyone kept telling me i had to find my own closure, but it just felt like so little to get from a break up. i called her twice in the next month and same result, just less dramatic each time– she’d talk over me and tell me we weren’t going to talk about things and that there was no blame to be put on anyone. so i’d be forced to hang up or have some cordial small talk for a bit and act like we were friends.

    i got back from CA to my hometown a month later and didn’t call her. still, i could see her updates on facebook. she was partying in chicago, having a blast, and nothing about the family issues she’d gone to take care of. she’d start scrabble games with me on facebook, poke me to play them, but back out after i made a move. very hot/cold passive/agressive way to keep me going, it seemed. i was checking her profile way too much. i was seeing things that looked “flirty” on her wall posted by others, and i didn’t need to see this! i needed to delete her but didn’t know how to do it in a way that wouldn’t cause backlash, bc she’d proven to be quite vengeful and competitive since the break up.

    so last night i called her on a whim. we hadnt spoken in a month and a half. i didn’t hold a cool demeanor as i had during the other conversations. i cryed because i couldn’t help it and told her i was hurt, that she wasn’t giving me anything to work with. she didn’t want to hear it but finally did for a bit. she acknoledged some of her behavior, which was a step.

    she said she only wanted to stay friends if we were to not talk about the break up, and i said that i was still hurt so that wouldn’t be possible. granted, she’d been so “nice” our other conversations, saying shed call and send emails but never ever doing so. possibly wanting to keep the option open for herself. i said i needed space to heal and she said she’d call me. “no don’t call me, ill call you in a few months” i said, and told her that i would be deleting her on facebook too. she had to go out to the club (of course) so we got off the phone.

    this morning i sent her this letter. i really hope it’s the closure i need at least:

    subject healing

    dear XXX-
    i was super upset last night, but i hope that i was clear, despite
    being weepy and emotional. i didn’t expect that phonecall to go like
    that, but i think it’s been coming for awhile–i’ve just had so many
    other major decisions on my plate that i couldn’t deal with
    confronting it before.

    i hope you know that i really care about you and value what we had
    very much. this break up has been very hard on me, unexpected, and was
    brought about in the worst way at the worst time. i’m tired of
    pretending it doesn’t bother me–i just can’t play that game anymore
    because i do care. it was very difficult to show you how much it hurts
    as i did last night, but sometimes the truth heals better than
    anything else.

    i have mixed feelings about the subject in general, but i have been
    thinking about it on and off and decided it’s healthiest we don’t be
    facebook friends for a bit of time. it just seems counterproductive to
    get each other’s updates when we are trying to have space and heal.
    it’s definitely not spiteful towards you at all, which is why i wanted
    to talk to you about it first. i hope you understand that it’s
    something i need to do for now to be healthy and mature about creating
    mental and emotional space (technology just gets in the way of that, i
    think).

    i miss you lots. i really don’t know what other option i’m given but
    heal and move on. it breaks my heart but i do hope that time will heal
    and that we will be able to be in each others lives again.

    take good care of yourself, selma. love, peach pit

  4. Jessie November 11, 2009 at 10:01 pm #

    @lee
    Lee, these things take time… you will get over this break up.
    Don’t you think you deserve so much more then being treated like this?
    Focus on yourself and you’ll find closure in this.

    Please read this book… “Alchemist” it helped me so much.
    Keep your head up… you will find your twin soul just be patient
    take care
    Jessie

  5. Movingon November 14, 2009 at 3:51 am #

    I believe closure has a different meaning to different people. After my break up I believed that my ex ‘owed’ me closure because things ended over the phone. In reality, he gave me a number of reasons as to why he had decided to end things. Reasons that I did not agree with but reasons nonetheless. He answered my questions honestly and also assured me that the only reason for breaking it off was for a step up in his career. Looking back now, I can honestly say that it would of been nice to have seen him one last time but the fact of the matter is, it would not have changed anything or made a difference to how I was feeling at the time. All I was seeking was reassurance that I was not the reason why he ended things. For me, closure means accepting that things are over, learning from your mistakes and moving forward. Only you and you alone can give yourself closure.

  6. tas November 18, 2009 at 5:48 pm #

    I’m new here, and the reason I’m here is that I recently had my heart broken. Now I’m in the anger phase, and as much as I try to talk myself into letting go, I’m still angry! I have a right to be angry, and It seems the only other option is to feel stupid for giving up my heart so freely, to feel stupid for telling my family and friends how perfect we felt together. I’m usually fine but my anger sometimes keeps me awake at night.
    This article pertains to me because I came to this site with one simple question, ‘Should I let him know I hate his guts?’
    After reading Eddie’s articles, and stories from others, I think my best option would be to write an email, and NOT send it. Maybe even a few emails.
    So, I had a huge crush on this guy, Ill call him Z- 6 YEARS ago! I was in an unhappy relationship with my ex of 7 years, and he worked with this guy Z who broke my heart. Z and I had an inexplicable crazy chemistry!
    LONG (and intense) story short, we had an amazing romantic fling four years ago… about a year after I’d left my ex that he was still working with. The stress he felt from hiding our relationship made him end our fling after a few incredibly romantic blissful months. I never quite got over the feeling of chemistry we had, and he moved 500 miles north. Ok wait, thats an understatement, I probably thought about him at least once a day for the past 4 years. But I’ve always been the type to say ‘F you’ and play hard to get (it works, i swear!)
    Anyway, 5 months ago he added me on facebook, and a week later on twitter. My heart sunk every time I saw his name. Finally he came to town and told me to call him so we could hang out. When we finally were going to meet, I had to call a friend to help me get out of my car! I’m usually cool, calm and collected… but not after so many years of wondering, and wishing to see this man.
    We had an amazing time of course, chemistry was still on fiya! I went to his hometown and met his parents, he talked about how our babies would look, I invited him home for Xmas, he would joke around about buying a house together, etc. etc. etc. He honestly led me to believe he was really serious about ‘us.’ He was still living many miles away but promised he was moving to my city for work (from the beginning.) We both traveled a lot and saw each other many times until 2 months ago.
    Then, as some of you have also said, the texts died off, the phone calls were nonexistent. It hurt, but my 2 brothers told me to ignore him. I think they knew what they were talking about.
    Finally, about a month ago I broke down and sent him a text. I found out that he was working in my city through facebook pics. I said “Ouch, you were here last night?” “Whatever it is this time Z, you should have the decency to tell me something, and I appreciate honesty more than anything” He basically said “sorry Im going thru some things financially and, I’ve been in my own head too much, maybe we should talk” And I said yes call me as soon as you can.
    Well, he never called. I “got the picture” continued to take my brothers advice, and didn’t contact him either. Then last week I check his facebook page and it says “in a relationship” with this girl who had been leaving hearts on his page for months. Everyday recently she’d post “i love you” and he’d post it back. I was disgusted!
    I believe he is a very flighty coward of a person. After all the intense feelings we shared (which truly seemed mutual, from his words and actions) he’s in a relationship and declaring his love on facebook?!?! When I asked for nothing but honesty, a simple explanation, whatever it may be…. Why do I have to find these things out on facebook?!
    My only recourse thus far was to delete him from facebook… and it felt good! But would it help me to tell him, in a VERY civil way, that he’s an insensitive flighty coward? that he led me on and I think he’s a BS artist? Or should I leave it be?
    Never underestimate the theraputic power of writing. I feel better already.

  7. Carly November 24, 2009 at 6:11 am #

    @Jessie

    I just recently broke up with my boyfriend of 10 months just last Saturday. It ended over email due to a lot of circumstances, but essentially all attempts at first reconciliation, then despair, and eventually trying to gain closure have failed. I’ve called, I’ve emailed, I’ve text msg’d..and I have received no response. He mailed me back my things.

    So I can understand how hurt you must have felt to get NO response to your outpouring of emotion. I realized however, after many humiliating moments of breaking down and contacting him, that it is absolutely his loss. I can honestly look back and say I tried everything to make it work, and try and resolve our conflict.

    If there is no reciprocation, there is no way you can make it work. It’s like a bike, it needs two wheels. And if your significant other has the capacity to be so cold, and unable to empathize with your feelings, then do you really want that person in your life??

    Knowing that my ex had the capacity for such coldness made me realize I want someone who is always willing to work things out and not just shut me out.

    It will take time, but I am a firm believer in, ‘this too shall pass’. This is a moment in time. And it sucks right now. But eventually, we will find the love that we deserve!

  8. Sara November 28, 2009 at 11:10 pm #

    I felt i owed it to my ex to explain my decision of dumping him. since it was a long distance relationship, we sorted it out through chat. he asked alot of questions, i answered, we talked it out, and then he played with my guilt. (for the record, i ended things bcs after enduring a long time of long distance and hardships, when he finally decided that he was serious enough to introduce me to his parents, i had begun to change as a person and wanted to just see the world). alot of other little things happ but i wont go into details. he stopped contacting me as much after he left for college again after his visit. problem is we had an amazing time while he was here. then he started to sorta fade away. we’d talk once a week.. n tht was barely through txt msging. no more phone calls, nothing. i always asked why he never called n he came up with excuses. then i took a break.. and decided to call it quits.

    here’s the closure part: when i decided to explain things, he started going on about how i was always uncertain (which is true), about how he was broke, got fired from his job, had a dropping gpa, and a dying uncle. furthermore, he became friends with the girl he cheated on me with.. saying that “he needed her”.

    all im saying is.. closure lets u sorta come to terms with what happened.. lets u just get rid of everything u need to say to move on. but if your a dumper.. be careful not to fall into the guilt trap.. bcs there may always be a guilt trap!

  9. Niki December 2, 2009 at 11:31 am #

    I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 8 1/2 years. He was my first love and high school sweetheart. After college, he decided to join the Military. During the last four years, I have been following him around the country to where he was stationed to make our relationship work. He has been gone most of the time for training, yet I was waiting by his side whenever he had a down time. I have been preparing myself for his deployment for the last four years.

    Finally, three weeks ago, he was scheduled to deploy to Iraq. However, during the last weekend before deployment, I urged him to fly back home with me to our hometown. I even paid for the plane ticket to help him out. The next day we flew in, he requested a boy’s night out. I felt uneasy about it because he only had a few days left in the U.S. yet he wanted to spend time partying instead of being with me. That night, he failed to call or text me. The next day I saw a picture of him with a girl kissing his cheek while his eyes was closed as if he was feeling it. He wrote to the girl, “I had fun last night, I wish it didn’t have to end.”

    When I saw this image, I immediately broke down and my heart was shattered to the ground. I can’t believe that this was the same guy writing to me two months ago telling me about his three year plan. The number one plan was to marry me.

    Anyway, I confronted him the next day about what he had done. He immediately denied it stating that, “I didn’t go home with the girl or sleep with her.” According to him, he did not cheat. Yet, when I asked him to call her in front of me, he refused right away and deleted her number.

    When he landed in Kuwait after a few days, I saw that he emailed all his friends letting them know he was safe and sound. He also emailed the other girl separately telling her “He cannot stop thinking about her and he has never felt this way in a while.” Meanwhile, he failed to message me just to let me know he was okay.

    Why did he do this to me? Can anybody shed me some light?

    • Bridget September 4, 2013 at 6:02 am #

      Niki, I read this post today and it looks like it’s been over 4 years since this incident. I’m sorry you had to go through this pain. How are you doing now?

  10. arun gupta December 2, 2009 at 6:52 pm #

    i know its really hard to go through this phase that u r going through. i think u deserve somebody better than a person who let u down after 8 and half years of relationship. i know its going to be hard for you but i am sure he is going to regret very badly but u will not be there. just let him know that the world will not come to an end after he left u .thats all. just be strong ok …please take care and move ahead in life.ok.bye. good luck.

  11. chitabear December 2, 2009 at 7:40 pm #

    @Niki – omg!!!!!
    I am going through almost the same damn thing. I waited 1 year while my boyfriend was in Iraq. He fell in love with a fellow soilder girl. He even had sex with her while he was over there. I did not find out until he was back for a couple of weeks. He was sneaking to go see her. GIRL I FEEL YOU!!!!

  12. lee December 2, 2009 at 9:51 pm #

    Hey- it sounds like he’s confused and making some poor decisions with the big changes coming up. It’s no excuse to disrespect and lie to you, though! It sounds like you’ve been there for him, doing whatever he pleases and waiting for him along the way. He probably is taking advantage of that and thinks/knows you will be there no matter how inappropriate he’s acting.

    Maybe he is having cold feet and entertaining feelings for this other woman and doesn’t want to be honest with you. It hurts, I know! I’ve been there (been cheated on more than once). Honestly, you have to realize that you deserve more respect than that. I know you’ve been with him a long time and put a lot of love into the relationship so letting go is easier said than done, but for your own good, you need to draw the line here.

    After being cheated on more than once, when it happened at the end of my eight year relationship in 2008 and I was being given the same neutral, denying sort of dishonesty that you’re getting, I didn’t have the tolerance any longer. Once the truth was in front of my face, I ended it. It was hard and didn’t make sense right away, but it turned out my ex was going through major issues with undiagnosed bipolar mania. It didn’t make it excusable to cheat on me, though.

    You can beg and be dragged through their problems, but really, when someone is unfaithful it’s all about THEIR issues and nothing to do with you. It can become your problem the more you hang on, though. Whether you are going to work things out in the long run or not, I can’t stress any more that the best, healthiest option for you is to draw the line, tell him you know what he’s up to, and remove yourself from the situation for now. I know it’s hard–you are going to need a lot of support from friends and family. Online support sites have helped me a lot, friends, and getting a good therapist. Don’t be afraid to use all of your resources and be kind to yourself!

    He needs to realize he’s lost you to even confront what he’s doing. Maybe he will come around, maybe he won’t in the end. Maybe you will end up finding someone better for you who makes all of the sacrifices and concessions for you that you’ve been willing to make in your relationship.

    Now that you have proof of what he’s doing, it’s in your hands to decide where you’re going to go next.

  13. Niki December 3, 2009 at 12:21 pm #

    I truly appreciate everyone who responded to my post. You have no idea how much your responses have helped me!!!

    It feels like there is no closure between us. He tried calling me three times in Thanksgiving but I missed his calls. He ended up calling my best friend to ask how I was doing and to tell me how sorry he was. There has been many times when I want to send him an email to get some answers but I have stopped myself from doing so (thankfully). I know in my heart that he has probably remained in contact with the other girl who he met for one night! Wow! 8 1/2 years was thrown down the drain for a few hours in a club! How much more can one feel devalued??

    I feel that I am an attractive person, however, when a situation like this happens to a person, it makes them feel inadequate. It makes you feel that you weren’t good enough. This situation has certainly taken a toll in my self-esteem.

    How can I deal with this situation objectively?? How can I get closure??

  14. joseph December 3, 2009 at 4:15 pm #

    @Niki

    Niki, if you have read any of my above posts, you’ll see that I’m going through something very similiar and a little more intense. Trust me, this is the worst pain you are probably ever going to have to go through in your life. The more you ignore him the closer he’ll get. However, if you want to be with someone that can write you off after 8 years so easily, devalue you in front of his friends and other women by accepting their flirtations, number, etc….then you need to think are you doing yourself a grave injustice by accepting any apology? More than likely (coming from a guy) he has remained in contact with this girl and is probably even telling her that he is single, or that you two are no more. Men want to have their cake and eat it too, UNTIL it’s no longer tolerated. Then they feel an urgency to regain control of the person they no longer have control over. My girlfriend of 8 1/2 years moved three streets down from me last month for the purpose of us becoming closer and realizing how important we are to each other. She’s always been faithful and very kind. A week later i walked down to her new place and found her making out with another guy on her couch. I was absolutely devastated. Still am. Last week we hung out and was going to dinner and i tried everything i could to win over her heart. Took her to Key West for T-DAY and had an excellent time. However, following day she blew me off for dinner, and then the next day as well. Went over there to drop off some flowers and there was this other guys truck. I knocked on the door, got no answer, then 10 minutes later the police were at my door telling me that i could no longer visit her property. Mind blowing. I mean really………..mind blowing! I’m absolutely crushed. Had planned on proposing to her on our anniversary this year (new years) and I’m just sideways over all this.

    So, trust me I know how bad it hurts but don’t be drugged by the pain. Don’t let it make you think there is still a chance or that you even want a chance. Just pull away, and think for awhile. I’m attempting to do this at the moment as well. Except this morning i saw his vehicle there in her driveway on my way to work around 7:30. So apparently this new guy, who was nothing serious, is now spending the night with her. It’s torture. I’m trying desperately to move out of the keys. Paradise is now hell.

    If there is anything you would like to talk about I would be totally open to email communication. It really helps to talk to people going through the same thing. Very challenging as well. If you wanna chat my email is locustcapri (at) yahoo.com

    My advice right now isn’t the best or maybe even what you may want to hear, it’s just the brutal truth and preparation for the worst outcome, because that was what i received.

    Hope everything works out.

    Joseph

  15. canali December 12, 2009 at 7:31 pm #

    RE: ”For me it was clear that he was too immature and could not handle difficult things, that he was to weak to fight for something. He already had a new girlfriend, somebody who would never go abroad without him, a very ‘easy girl’ who would do anything he says. The opposite of me, but apparently he wants a less complicated relationship now.”

    i don’t like this (above) dissing of the ex and his new gal….we ALL have our baggage and limitations…why not just say that they were a bad match?…maybe to the ex, this gal was ”too high maintenance” or hyper for him…doesn’t mean it’s true, just that these are two different personalities who couldn’t work through things for whatever reasons, ie, lack of skills, ego, stubborness etc…

    one really useful tool is to write out your relationship story and go through it and highlight with two different markers ”facts” vs ”fiction”…this can help sift through much emotional filters and our fears…uses some cognitive tools, too…but i try this phrase when my fears start to overwhelm me….”’ok, what is fact here…and what is my own or their own ‘fiction’ ?” (i got that tool from ‘spiritual divorce’ by debbie ford..an excellent book).

    • Sachao December 27, 2009 at 2:20 pm #

      canali, it is my story above, and of course it is your opinion, it’s not ‘dissing’ my ex. It’s the truth. And I can understand you think it’s dissing, but only I know that this is the truth. I could’ve added a million other details to make my story clearer, but those things are not important. To assume that I am too high maintenance, is just sad. Key point of my story is the fact that I was dumped because I went abroad and chose personal development and independence over staying close and ‘dependent’ to my ex. Conclusion: He could not handle that.

      As much as I appreciate everyone’s comments and opinions, don’t judge me, since you have absolutely no right to do that. It’s not about ”dissing’ my ex, it is about seeing his short comings in the end and to see that he has fell of his pedestal. I am not saying I am perfect, but I know I have absolutely NOT MADE any mistakes in my previous relationship, and the fact that it fell apart, is only HIM to blame. I know this is an exception, but I can honestly look myself in the eye and say I did everything to make it work. If somebody is not willing to do the same for me, that person is just not worth it. You might seeing as ‘dissing’ the ex, I see it as seeing the truth and finally stop making the story better than it is. You have to look at yourself critically, but if you keep thinking it was only ‘a bad match’, you fool yourself.

      Good luck in the future and thanks to everyone else for their comments 🙂

      • Mandaholaway November 4, 2010 at 12:26 pm #

        I completely agree with you Sachao. I, too, dealt with a guy that is similar to your ex in the aspect that he is immature and can't handle putting in the effort to make a relationship work. I think one of the hardest things to accept is when you feel as though you have given 110% in a relationship, only to get half that (if not less) from your significant other. Guys and girls are totally different. That's how I feel at least. I put everything into my relationship and did what i could to make it work. Unfortunately, a one sided relationship will never work. If your significant other is not putting in the effort, then the relationship is doomed. My ex and I had been through so many ups and downs…I was his first real girlfriend-we lasted 2 and a half years. I look back on it and realize that one of the main reasons we lasted as long as we did was because of me. I tried so hard to keep that relationship together. I think I created a fantasy relationship in my mind, making things seem better than what they really were because I loved him. When I caught him cheating, lying, etc. he would never really chase after me. He would say how i deserved better. I have always felt that if you hurt somebody you “love” you will not let them walk away so easily due to a mistake you made. Again, looking back on the relationship, I can see he clearly wasn't man enough and mature enough to handle a relationship. Chances are he will be the same in his next relationship.

  16. canali December 28, 2009 at 8:45 am #

    @Sachao

    RE: ‘To assume that I am too high maintenance, is just sad.”.

    that wasn’t my point, just that there are two sides of the story…to assume still only you ”have absolutely NOT MADE any mistakes in my previous relationship, and the fact that it fell apart, is only HIM to blame” is still only your assertion…he’s not here to defend himself….or we can’t get his assertion….and maybe you’re right: that you didn’t do ”anything wrong”…i still ascertain that sometimes people just change and can grow apart….
    thus either become mismatched OR finally acknowledge that they are mismatched and the relationship in the end is more about ‘unentangling’ when they shouldn’t have been together in the first place…..ie we didn’t pay attention to certain things until they came more visible later on….i can vouch for some of these natural human frailties in my own relationship dissolution….so it’s not always about ”making mistakes.”

    bottom line, sachao: i hope you find lots of love in your life, and find someone who’s compatible with you, your temperament, values, goals, energy and so on…..we all have our own unique set of baggage and filters of life…despite making mistakes and either being hurt or hurting others, fundamentally we’re all (and this includes your ex) stumbling and bumbling along as best we can towards trying to both find and keep love in our lives.

  17. Betty December 29, 2009 at 2:56 am #

    Dearest Sachao, THANK YOU for sharing your story, I can really relate to it and it really gives me hope. My closure didn’t go that well because I wanted to have him and, of course, he didn’t want to. But, I’m feeling better each day and I hope to find another love who reciprocates my efforts, as well. I wish the same for you, you deserve it girl!

  18. s.l.a. January 11, 2010 at 7:21 pm #

    im having trouble letting go of anger.
    i have all this anger against my ex, and i dont knw what to do with it. i’ve blocked him on fb and yet he made another account and emailed me! he sends stuff on occasions and at first i thot it’s cuz he still likes me.. but i’ve always felt he had some feelings towards two other girls he was friends with before he got with me. i saw smthing he wrote on one of these girl’s profiles and it drove me insane with anger. it’s like he’s chasing after her and she doesnt give a crap about him.. and he still chases her and denied everything to me!!! why is it when i treated him well he didnt give a crap?! am i supposed to b sm idiot girl tht ignores him and doesnt care for him to care?
    at first i used to get sad at all this.. then i became plain angry.. like it makes my head hurt, makes me yell at ppl.. just PISSED. it’s like i want revenge.. i want this cold jerk to suffer so bad cuz i’ve been through hell.
    what does he want with me? if he wants these other two so bad why did he keep contacting me after i left.. WHAT IS THIS? how do i get through this and how do ppl like this get what they deserve?!?!

  19. J.J. January 12, 2010 at 11:24 pm #

    Eddie and all,
    Sharing your situations has given me the courage to write you. It has been hard to contain this frustration and lack of closure. I would love to hear your thoughts.
    A bit of background, I dated this girl for almost 2 years and broke up last february. The 2 years of relationship proved hard, because we had some long distance, unemployment in her part and risk of losing my job while I had bought the apt where she was going to move in with me. She comes from a broken family. So a lot of fears are in her head already. I am no angel, although my family has been more united than hers. Anyhow, with all this stress last february, I ask her for a bit of space/help and she freaked out, I wasn’t breaking up but she got anxious to the point that she reacted in a way that made me want to break up. After the break up, unfortunately Eddie, we didn’t follow your rule of no contact (in hindsight we should’ve). She first tried but I was frustrated with her lack of solidarity in a stressful time. Then I finally worked it around my head and when I came back (after a few weeks) she pulled away and said she was really hurt by me. This hurt me again and I felt it was a game, so I ended things (again). We didn’t talk for a few weeks or so. When we finally did (after 3 months of the breakup) when I wanted to talk, she said she decided to go out with this guy (a co-worker). I was livid, because she was the jealous one (I can be too) but someone she had ‘been friends w/ for a while’ but had a gf too and broke up w her to date my ex. I told her what I have learned and she said she was giving him a chance. I decided to let go. And to noones surprise, while dating him, she would still txt me how I hurt her so much, and how she hadn’t moved on and other hot/cold messages like that. She would see me every 4 days or so, while nothing really happened except talking, she was still dating this dude. She said she wasnt serious, until recently when she admitted ‘he was going too fast’. It hurts me that she introduced him to the family so fast. Might be more the ego hurt, I am not sure, but it really hurts knowing that know, especially since she was deceiving saying it wasn’t serious. They broke up after 2-3 months. She then started talking to me more often, we would go out for dinner and she would tell me she was just scared of giving me a chance, because the break-up put her on the edge, and she was so scared of us getting there too. I have since June been supportive in everything, from her buying a place, the marathon she ran, and being available. Somehow along the way, my mistakes seemed to have weighted more, and I took the break up as my fault, and her behavior as justified? The last months before the holidays she was getting closer to be together (she didn’t want to be ‘official’ she was scared). She said she didn’t know how to take the next step and wanted to get over her fears. Right during thx giving holidays and xmas, she pulled away. It was all of the sudden. Messed me up.
    She said it reminded her of last years. When I needed a big favor during xmas after she apologized for being distant, she said she could (pick up some paperwork from my apt) and then she changed her mind. It hurt me to know I couldnt count on her, especially in time of crisis. I don’t really ask for many things. She felt bad and asked for communication again, send emails saying she knew she had to decide whether to go for it or not, but that she didn’t know how to, that it was a big risk because of the hurt of last year. I have been pretty good to her especially the last months, and all of our arguments have still been over last years things.
    Anyhow, last week after in the morning sending sweet messages, and telling me: you know you could call or reach out sometimes too? although when I messaged her months ago, she would feel ‘pressured’. Later in that day, we were having a conversation where it felt like she just wanted to be reassured that I was not going to hurt her, and it was going well, then all of the sudden it’s like she remember the anger from last year and she just said she couldnt do it. So I asked if that was the end and she said yes. I asked then we needed to stop communication totally.
    Now a week later, I find myself still shocked, things improved in the last 2 wks and she was more constructive on our relationship and she pulled away. She said it stressed her out to talk about us all the time and wasnt getting her closer to me. But I wanted to go back to us too. We have not talked/txted/emailed.
    I think this is the end for good. But I feel like there are some things left I wanted to say. Like in the marathon, I feel like she left right before the end. I want to tell her it was not fair to have send those messages earlier those days if her intent was to finish things.
    It kills me a bit to know she is better at blocking things off from her head, and to know that I am still hurting. I am trying to put things in perspective, bring her down from the pedestal, but part of me still doesn’t know or want to let go. Even when she broke up, she didn’t seem sure. I asked for a goodbye hug, and she didnt want to give it to me. Like if she were angry. I was hesitant whether to contact her and ask her if it was a rash decision she made (and now she’s being proud) or realize the other possibility: she chose not to be with me.
    Any thoughts, advice from you guys would be great during this hardship. I feel it’s just been almost a year of sadness and not sure how to go from here. Thank you

  20. Kelly February 20, 2010 at 8:14 pm #

    I don’t really understand this term “closure”. I guess every situation is difficult. But last week, I was dumped by a guy who decided to sleep with is ex wife and says they need to “work stuff out” and he “needs a break”. He didn’t tell me he slept with her – he sent me an email (see other thread on things not to say when being dumped), saying his ex had come round on his birthday and said she wanted to get back together. I telephoned and asked if he slept with her. I think he was so taken aback by the question, he stumbled for a minute and said “yes”. For me, that was the “closure” I needed. I just told him to send my stuff back to me. I sent him a short, terse email but that was it. Because much as I would love to see him to rant and scream and say “How could you do this to me?” I know I don’t want to be with a man who cheated on me – and with is ex wife no less. So there is no “closure” – because I haven’t seen him or spoken to him, and it seems shocking to be in his bed one night (and then the next night his ex wife is in it), kissing him goodbye the next morning and then NEVER seeing him again. I have not discussed why he did it, what he was thinking, why he lied, cheated, etc. And I would LOVE to have that conversation with him. But where would it lead me? I know I would never trust him or want anything to do with him again – so what does a “closure” meeting achieve? Revenge? Ack. That’s just going to make me feel worse. It’s a tug – I want to see his face, understand how he could do this. I feel like he got off “easily” because I’ve not confronted him. And it seems unfair. But at the end of the day, nothing he would say or do would change the fact that I want nothing to do with him ever again, so what’s the point? I try to console myself with the knowledge that i may be sad and angry and hurt and cry a lot this week, but he’s the one that has to live with his conscience every day and come to terms with what he did to me. And if he really wants to go back to his ex wife and doesn’t tell her about me, then that’s doomed anyway. And if he does tell her and she’s willing to take him back anyway then she’s a fool – because he divorced her to be with someone else (not me) anyway. It’s tough – I don’t want him to have the satisfaction of not having to deal with me in this whole sordid mess, but revenge isn’t going to make me heal quicker.

    • Anna May 26, 2010 at 4:07 pm #

      Kelly, I admire you. What you've just said is so wise. If I only had that sober way of thinking 2 years ago, after my boyfriend asked for “more space” and then confirmed that we should stay apart.

      I suffered terribly, and longed for a “clear-up” conversation and a closure… I wrote many mails but never sent them to him. I never asked him for a conversation either – mostly from the fear that this will hurt me even more.

      Now, after 2 years, I've received a letter from him where he says he loves me and that he would like to restore communication with me, with close friendship and good understanding of each other. I replied by saying it was difficult for me to do that, because the trust is gone.

      I keep thinking whether I still want a closure from him, now that he is so open to a dialogue… And I don't know. Maybe this is no longer necessary. What will I ask him? Do I really need to know the reasons and reasons behind the reasons for him leaving me back then? As you say, this is not going to change my future. I've made the conclusions from this experience, it's been heart wrenching to go through all this.

      The only type of an ideal closure I can imagine would be just hugging each other and saying “sorry” and “thank you” to each other, and that's all. But I don't know if this would be possible.

  21. lila March 6, 2010 at 7:13 pm #

    Once upon a time I was in a relationship with a guy who I thought loved me and I loved him. One day, prince charming was “busy”….then his phone “wasn’t working correctly” he “didn’t get” my texts….I confronted him and asked what was going on…just wanted honesty….he said everything was fine, then he stopped talking to me altogether..i was very hurt..i didn’t know what was going on, really. Guess I needed to be hit with a 2×4. Why couldn’t he just tell me? I think I deserved something better than him ignoring me. When I had to break up with someone, I met them face to face….it hurt like hell and was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but I did it and it was the best for both of us. Can someone tell me why in the world can’t people just be honest and mature when it comes to break ups? If you ever cared for someone, show them the consideration….be honest about your feelings. It really will help them and you in the long run!

  22. Mishu Islam April 6, 2010 at 7:21 pm #

    I think closure is a necessity but not always in the same way that Sachao did. If I were in her situation I would probably do the same as long as the partner was willing like her ex. I have to give him some credit too; he did also face a difficult situation.
    I had a closure with a crush(a relationship I had in my head); he didn’t respond and I accept that.

  23. berny April 27, 2010 at 6:44 am #

    @GoldenChildEmcee
    hi,
    i guess its been 3 months since u broke up…i am sure u have got over it…how are u feeling now…well,i am in a same position..my girl friend found someone else within 2 weeks after dumping me….and that thought kills me…

  24. Revmdn September 15, 2010 at 8:59 pm #

    Personally I feel the need for closure. This is because she told me there was a possibility for us “in the future.” “I'm a big believer in fate”, she tells me. I've asked several time for her to tell me to leave her alone forever and I would. She told me she never wanted that, and I don't get to have that. I still don't know what that means. I however have decided to create my own closure and walk away. No contact rule for me. I deleted her contact info. If she wants me, she can try and contact me. I'm not sure how I would react, I guess it would depend on what she has to say. If it's lets give this one more chance, balls to the wall try, then ok. Otherwise, I need no more contact. Even then I may not. If I heal from this, I don't know if I could go back. So, I guess if there is no given closure, make your own.

    • Ccfooty November 13, 2010 at 8:45 am #

      I am in the same situation… someone who says they “truly believe we'll find each other when the time is right”…. and i've asked if they never want me in their life again to tell me to go, and they say they don't want that. It makes it difficult and confusing.

  25. Meccamega January 16, 2011 at 11:52 am #

    I envy this story above. My ex dumped me out of the blue, for no reason. Then insulted me by text. I asked for answers, but he told me to f**k off. So I’ll never have the meeting like this story. I still have no answers.

  26. Diane February 5, 2013 at 5:46 pm #

    It worked for me – I got closure after a year and a half of not seeing my ex spouse – we do not have children, we were engaged and went out for five years. A lot of that time he was very verbally abusive, he was an alcoholic (reason for breaking up) – and had addiction issues. He called me a few times randomly – and I thought finally it has to end, I wasn’t angry at him anymore, but needed to see him to tell him a few things face to face (many times over the last year were blow ups on the phone,etc. he got a new girlfriend a month after we starting dating, who i figured everytime he has problems with he phones me). We met, talked and I realized he does the same things now he did to his new girlfriend that he did to me. I felt closure that he has never changed. I also felt closure that I can finally let go of the hopes I had that were once there. It could have gone differently but I had to take that chance – for me it was very healing and the last step of me letting go.

  27. debs April 6, 2013 at 2:15 am #

    I met this guy in high school and we dated on and off for 2 years. He was my first love, my first everything. I broke up with him because he was crazy jealous and was asking me not to befriend guys and stay home. He thought I had cheated on him which I to this day have never done. Well we didn’t talk for 6 months and since then we have been friends and then I tell him I can’t just be friends because I develop feelings. We have tried being friends with benefits but then I end it. After 6 years of this all and (he had a gf for 7 months and I dated someone for 8 months) we were still talking. I told him I would give this last time a legitimate chance (usually I would see him once a month make excuses because too much time makes me like him again) and this time with exclusivity. He told me a year prior to this we should be hooking up/ together which is under bf/gf and see where it goes. Well one year later I gave him a chance and said yes. Everything was great for a few months he would text me daily. I would drive to see him once or twice a week (he lived closed to where I volunteer which is 30 min from my house and I volunteer 2 times a week). He took a trip to Cali and I picked him up from the airport. That night after we watched a movie(no sex) I went to drop him off he said at the light oh just drop me off I will walk from here. I said are you kidding why? He said, “my dad doesn’t know I am with a girl he thinks I am with a guy doing a project” (BS because it was spring break and his dad would be high five him for being with a girl) then a few days later I visited him and I asked him to follow me on Instagram and he said no because he only follows a specific amount of people and he would have to unfollow a family member to follow me (BS because the amount of people he follows has changed often and he follows friends) then the third kicker was we were supposed to hang out at 9pm after I got out from work at 8pm and I show up at his house (he had given me a key) and he wasn’t there. I called he said I’m at tutoring and basically long story short he asked me to stay and wait then after 30 min told me that he wasn’t going to make it. (BS he didnt even bother to text me saying no more plans I DROVE 30 MIN). A few days later I told him we need to talk. He told me is this about what we are and where we stand? I said no but now that you brought it up what is that? He said hooking up. I told him I want more. He said like bf/gf? I said yes. He said he doesn’t want a gf because of the commitment. I said are you not commited to me now? He said yes he is because he cares and respects me. I asked so what would be new? In the end the next day I left a note saying I can’t wait for you any longer I hope you have a good day and happy holidays and left the key on the note. I wrote ps there is soup and tea in the fridge he was sick. (To leave it on good terms) and then he texted me 🙁 and I go why? and he said I got your note and I said okay and he said so thats it then? I said yes how much longer do you want me to wait for a maybe we will go back out? A month, a year, more? I can’t keep waiting and I refuse to settle. I want different things so yes that’s it then. He said I didn’t realize okay I guess. I have not spoken to him since but I accidentally sent him a instagram and snapchat friend request (I hit send all). He rejected my instagram follow request and took me off his facebook chat (He is online I know he is because he will have commented someone 20 secs ago but not show up on my online contacts).

    I am the dumpee but I want to know why he didn’t want to be with me? I want to know why he would throw us away? I am so mad and so sad and all I do is cry. And I have put on the bravest face on the planet it has been 2 weeks since our talk. I have been going out being with friends doing the same thing I have always been doing but I want to cry all the time. Sometimes I want him back so much it hurts. Sometimes I want to knee him. I feel like I lost a part of my being. I want to talk to him so much it is a physical reaction. I crave him like a drug. What if he never contacts me? What if he never loves me? I would have wasted 6 years. I have been in beauty pageants and I am a good student and I volunteer at a hospital. I don’t understand why he doesn’t try for us. I want him back. I don’t want to want him back. Help.

  28. Angry dumpee October 26, 2013 at 8:37 am #

    I was dumped after a year by text. Totally out the blue. I never cheated and was devastated. Everyone took his side and cut me off. So I got no closure from everyone. I envy this article, if your ex is an Ahole and a coward, they won’t meet you to give you closure.

  29. esme June 30, 2014 at 10:43 pm #

    If it really is over and you know when it is,create your own and happiness is our true business don’t just survive…thrive it’s the best revenge

  30. Heather July 3, 2014 at 10:42 pm #

    Well… here goes nothing… I need to preface my story by stating that I am in the Mental Health Counseling field. Sometimes, being so aware of your situation makes you feel even more crazy… more down on your self because you know all the answers of what you should be doing… but I know to be true… it is difficult to change feelings. It at times, makes me feel like a fake when I am counseling others on similar issues… change your behaviors because it is easy… think about things differently… and with time… your feelings will change… you will feel better.
    And so my story… My ex-boyfriend and I were on-and-off for 6 years. We met in the same field so we did have some commonalities there. However, there were barriers… my parents did not accept him because he was of a different race… and not to say that I chose him over my family. I chose my happiness at the time… I still am close to my family but it is just a topic of my life that is ignored. You cannot change people… and I probably should have applied this mentality to my ex-boyfriend. I did not believe that I ever tried to change him… I was even skeptical that he would ever “change” after his first indiscretion.

    His family accepted me pretty quickly after meeting me aside from their ideas about me being a “white woman”. Anyway… all of my family had moved to other states and due to the fact that I had my first career and went back to school for my Masters… I decided to get my own apartment and live on my own at 22. This is when I met my ex-boyfriend who happened to be 3 years younger than me. He chased me for sometime, as I was skeptical of starting a relationship with someone who I knew my family would not approve of. He also did not have the same career or educational goals I had at the time… in fact… he just did not have much direction just ideas. I let it slide because I thought back to when I was 19 years old and thought “Did I have a plan for my future yet?”. And so I did fall in love and we began dating. A year letter he moved into my apartment… split the bills… etc. This was in 2008.
    Aside from minor hiccups… I thought we were happy… we had a nice cohesion living together. Never got on each others nerves… we co-existed happily. We were involved with each other’s friends, had an amazing sex life, etc. In 2011, my world turned upside down. My ex had gotten tired of the “dead end job” he was working at the agency I continue to work at (I work two jobs: 1 at a school for children with autism, the other at a mental health clinic). My ex worked as a para-professional in the classrooms with the children with autism. He began to become distant at home… unavailable by phone for an hour or two before coming home. It was always an excuse… “I was late working out… I went to visit my mother”. And so I had no real reason to doubt him… and then he left our place of work and began some other jobs… a few. He began working at another school and doing Security in the city on the weekends. He had explained that some were over night jobs and I saw his pay stubs so I figured there was nothing to think about. Long story short… he ended things with me in November of 2011. Funny part is that he apparently did not think about where he would be living. There was no reason behind the breakup outside of “it was not working for him anymore”. And so my suspicions began… and with some computer hacking skills (it’s funny how you realize how great of an investigator you can be when you are willing to find something… anything to explain something that does not seem rational). What I eventually found was gut wrenching. He had a whole other life… relationship… with someone across the hall from me at my job! The girl knew about me… but God knows what he had told her. The affair went back a few months before he broje things off with me… mind you… he was still living at my apartment! Worst of all… I was so busy with my work and finishing up my Masters that I did not read the signs of not being around our mutual friends (his friends first) as much. They were commenting on his photos with her at weddings he was at with the other woman…. a whole seperate facebook… a whole seperate life. I was devastated. I called one of our mutual friends who was so taken off guard because she stated “He told me you guys broke up… what are you talking about?”. He had everyone fooled… and oh yea… his new jobs… he got through her parents! And so when he came home I confronted him…. half truths is what I got. I became that person that I never thought I would be come (screaming, crying, throwing things at him). I told him he needed to move out. I gave him a week. He did not leave until January completely to the point of me throwing his stuff outside.
    This wasn’t me. I always viewed myself as a professional and would never act this way… would never let someone get me to this point.
    After going through the no eating… weird phone calls with him afterwards about but why?… but how?…. him crying…. HIM CRYING. Why was he crying? I heard and saw things that no one should ever have to think about. I was betrayed. Belittled… Humiliated that I was the last to know… and was still sleeping with and next to a man I thought was at the very least my friend at the core. One of the last conversations I had with him at that time was me asking a simple question, “Are you happy with her?”…. it took him 20 minutes to answer but hesitatntly he stated “yes”. And that was the day all bills had to be severed…. my phone number changed… and so did the locks.
    I missed work… could not eat or get out of bed… it was not only the betrayal but the break of routine… of having a partner at home… he was my boyfriend, best friend, lover, even family at that point because even logistically he was there for emergencies when my family lives so far away. Yes ofcourse I had friends… they were just as blindsided as me.
    So let’s fast forward a bit… 5-6 months later that year is when the “pop-ups” came. I began receiving notes in my door in the middle of the night… private calls to my job and home number. Until eventually he caught me coming home one night from work. He wanted to speak after all these months had gone by. At that point I had began mending my life… feeling better about myself. Began a new routine. Took better care of myself and formed new hobbies and friendships. Forgiving him was something I had to to… not for him… but for me… hating him meant that I still gave a s***. And I really didn’t. I was strong…. empowered by his cowering blood shot eyes that seemed so desperate just to hear a breath from me. And so I decided to let him speak.
    He stated that he was a mess without me in his life…. he was still with the other girl… I was dating other people. He began telling me the whole truth… and that he was not happy with him self and was trying to “face his demons” because he could not live with what he had done to me. He stated that I meant everything to him and the last thing he ever wanted to do was hurt me (too late for that). I was cold… his words felt empty to me…. however, we know how things go in life and it took a year but we actually became “friendly”. He doted on me of how much it meant that I forgave him and just let him be in my life. I did not give him anything… maybe just piece of mind that he was not a worthless sumbag. He would tell me about issues with his relationship (yes… the girl he left me for and cheated on me with)… and I felt comfortable about telling him about my dating life. As it turns out, he confided that his unhappiness with his relationship was because he was still in love with me… and could not make it work with someone new when he always compared to me. Needless to say… he began cheating on his girlfriend with me (ironic)… did I feel bad… probably not at the time because I Figured the girl knew about our long-term relationship and did not give a crap. I guess it was a boost to my broken ego at the time. My ex broke up with the girl he left me for… and for another 6 months worked on trying to be with me again. I was resistant… but we did build a friendhship and knew him for many years. The girl actually tried to reach out to me to “speak woman to woman”… I took the high road and told her that communication was a two way exchange… and she was not a woman back when she was cheating with my bf… and I certainly had nothing to hear or say after my ex broke it off with her. She never contacted me again.
    My ex also now had been fired from his two jobs that were with her family… and so became practically homeless. He was too prideful to go back to his parents… so who do you think let him have a home… yep… you called it… me. It was with the understanding that it was until he got back on his feet and we were certainly not together. However, not having the “burden of a title and committment” allowed us to be brutally honest with each other. It took our friendship to a whole new level of understanding… and after some time… trust was definately earned in bits and pieces. And ofcourse when living under close quarters with an ex… intimacy is bound to happen… and so we kind of just fell back into what we always were.
    In the interim… my ex getting back up on his feet led to a decision of wanting to join the army in early 2013. It was scary to lose him again…. he asked me to marry him because he could not live without me being there… I saw this unhealthy… he needed to be on his own as I was feeling like for him, of course he could not live without me. I was his best friend, mother, lover…. it was too much dependence on me. I wanted him to WANT to be with me not feel like he NEEDED to be with me. And so I declined and stated that I was committed to him but his reasons for asking me to marry him were for the wrong reasons… he needed his own and he never had that because he always had me.
    So he left for the army in May 2013. It was excruciatingly difficult. But it was one of those love stories… letters in the mail… pages and hundreds of letters from me… growing… changing… appreciating… realizing what I meant to him and how much he wanted to find his way so he could be a great partner. He stated I was “the one”… the only one he ever loved and would always love. And he could not wait to build a future with me. When I went to visit his base in November 2013… it was so amazing to see him. The feelings were stronger. He was emotional to see me. Introduced me to his “battle buddies” who already “heard so much about me”. I left that trip thinking and telling my friend “if I have to lose my family…. they need to know of my happiness and accept it because he is the one”. I never thought I would get over his early transgressions… but I did.
    Around New Years, he came to surprise me and came home to visit. He came to my job where everyone knew him… and everyone was speaking of how “he came to sweep me off my feet” like it was some great love story. Needless to say… he went home (still had the key) as I went to my second job that first day he was home. He began texting me begging me to come home and feeling “weird being at home”. When I came home later that evening… he had gone through my closets (which had a lot of his things that he left when he went to the army), and I found big black trash bags outside of my apartment. He stated that “he did not need any of it anymore”. I thought he was “culture shocked” as he was not home for some time.
    He broke up with me on New Years. Saying that he did not know where his life was going in the army so how could he commit to this relationship and further progressing to the next step… which would be actual engagement… something we had been discussing from my last visit with him. I was devastated and did not understand or want to accept that answer. I had begged him when we got back together to not hurt me again. I was the woman in the background supporting him at home… his families’ emotional phone calls because he made time to call me and not them… the letters… dealing with his mail or banking matters. Dealing with easing his friends’ concerns of not hearing from him much.
    But I had to accept it… I was angry and told him I wanted him out of my life and my home… he did not want that… he wanted me as the “biggest part of his life”… but stated that he needed to take a step back and did not know where he would be stationed. So furthering our conversations after he went back to base in January 2014… I told him that I could try to be his friend again but I was going to move on and he needed to accept that. He stated that he “couldn’t handle hearing that” and when that bridge came we would cross it because just having me as a person in his life meant everything to him… but he did not want to hear about other guys… as he stated this break up had nothing to do with girls or dating.
    A month later, I ran into one of his old friends who stated that he had spoken to him and how he heard about our break up. His friend also stated that he was with other girls and although he loved me… had no intentions on ever committing to me. I was heart broken and confronted my ex on the matter. He stated that he did not know what I was talking about… and that he had gone out for a drink with a female… did not even kiss her… that he talked about me with her…. and she had left his base as she was in the army too. I asked why he would keep things from me that I could potentially hear from other people. He apologized and stated that he was not interested in anyone. I had a difficult time believing him but ended up letting his go because it turned out that the same friend who told me this information was trying to date me.
    So I began dating here and there… but beginning in March or April 2014… my ex began stating things that sounded like we were back together. Like joking “you better not cheat on me” and speaking to me like I was his girl. I confronted him on what he was saying. He stated that he made a mistake and felt “weird being home” after so long and he freaked. I told him that this was something that we needed to speak about in person because I was not a yoyo. But the feelings came back… the sexting… the can’t wait to see yous. And so he came home and surprised me again June 16, 2014. Came to my job like last time… spoke to my boss for 2 hours about trying to become a better man and how much he loved and missed me. Weird. He seemed happy to be home this time. Before we had sex… I asked him to use protection (a big portion of our relationship we hadn’t… yes stupid me) because he did break it off with me and I was being realistic. He stated that I insulted him… and although he understood why I felt the way I did… over all that we had been through to get to the point where we are now… he would never bring something “home”. He stated that he had not been with anyone else… made it a point. I stated that I just wanted him to at least respect my health. Once again I believed him.
    The next morning I decided to have that big conversation with him about what we are. I asked him why for the last 2 months he had been stating things that we were back together… which totally dismissed my hurt feelings when he broke up with me New Years… and did he really think we were back together just like that. I was waiting for him to say yes and then have the whole “trust conversation with him” and the need for stability and how i’ve always been his stability and support. But… after 15 minutes he stated no. No?! What do you mean no? I asked him why then he was stating bulls*** for months. He had no real answer. I had a planned vacation when he came to visit that could not be cancelled so I went away for that weekend. When I came back he said that he had ben thinking about what I had said and that he was going to counseling in the army because after 6 years it had come to the point that he either had to accept being my friend and let me move on and he be miserable seeing me with someone else… or he needed to suck it up and face his fears of committment with his current situation in the army. He was very emotional and loving… we reconnected with the same friend from years earlier that knew about his transgressions 3 years ago… had his parents over for dinner. The day he left, Thursday June 26, 2014, he came to my job to say goodbye and that he was putting serious thought in how to be a better man for him self and for me… and that he needed some time to think instead of making a decision and breaking me heart again. Since he left… that weekend (this last weekend) he was texting me how much he missed me… missed being in bed with me… missed his heart and soul. Sunday night, our mutual friend (his originally) had posted something on my facebook about how good it was to see me when he came to visit and was happy that things were working themself out. On hos facebook… I noticed a comment a few posts down from a profile that had my ex’s last name. I clicked on it…. and it was his profile. It did not suprise me I figured he had one but told him after what happened 2-3 years earlier that I did not want to be involved with him and social media. There was nothing bad on his facebook… accept a shout out that stated “Thank you for always supporting me… listing two of the mutual friends names… and some other girl’s name I didn’t know”. I was around for almost 6 years now and knew the other friends referenced… the ones we were just with when he was home a week earlier… but not the girl’s name. I clicked on the name… and the profile picture came up… of my ex… holding this girl smiling… posted June 8, 2014… one week before he came “home”. I dropped to the floor. I got deja vu. I threw up. I so I started to look at the girl’s profile to see that she was in the army too… and their pictures and comments and comments of “what a cute couple” … began in September 2013… so he was cheating on me for 4 months… and the last 4 months have been f**king mind games.
    Even more ironic… while I am looking at the pictures he calls me to tell me he loves me… misses me so much already… and wanted to say goodnight. I told him to never call me again… he seemed shocked and asked what I was talking about… I stated the girl’s name. He already had a story. “The pictures shouldn’t have been up my friends told me that this was not right that she was posting”. Ummmm… he had been commenting on how sexy she was ON THEIR PICTURES TOGETHER. He called her some “dumb b**ch” (which is not how he speaks) and stated that he did not care about her… was not with her… took 20 minutes to answer that he had sex with her ONCE (yea with 8 monhs of photos… some laying on each other in bed). He was hysterical and screaming saying that he ended it with her (I don’t know any girl that keeps her main profile picture up with some guy if it was over) and that he was in love with me and that’s why he couldn’t be with her. She’s not his girlfriend bla bla bla. A million thoughts ran through my head… how when I went to visit him that he was already cheating around Thanksgiving. He kept me on the phone and stated that he was going to counseling to figure out why he has issues and how to commit and how he could not handle me with someone else which is why he played the mind games…. but you could have a full-blown PUBLIC relationship. I told him to never contact me again. I told him I do not know he is…. he told me I am the only person who really knows him… I stated for what I know… I don’t want to know him. He screamed and cried and stated that I am perfect and if I do not believe he loves me or is in love with me I am a fool. He kept repeating “she means nothing… I do not give a crap about women don’t you see how I continue to treat them like shit… but I love you”. I begged him to leave me alone… that I could never be with him again… that he is NOT my friend… and I blocked him. We are on day 4… I have not eaten… going through hell all over again… trying to rationalize how this is a blessing in disguise… but I am human… I am hurt…. so hurt. I thought about messaging the girl and thought why should I even give him the opprotunity to make up lies about me to this girl…. he already cheated on her with me… she is no better than me… I can compare… but obviously she doesn’t make him happier… he is just not happy with him self. And that I cannot change. I am trying to be introspective in this process…. fight the urge to unblocj just to scream “How could you one last time?”…. but it wouldn’t matter… or help…. it would just continue this unhealthy cycle. How can someone respect me he would forgive that…. and not even simple cheating…. 6 years… no ring…. and 2 long-term publisized affairs. Ughhh… I am trying to be strong and I know I will see the silver lining… but anyone who knows him believes this will not be the last. He has not tried to call my job or home yet… he stated that he was not promising me that he would not contact me… he couldn’t even give me that to make this easier. So I can picture in a few months a knock on my door… and that will be the real test. For once I truly believe… as much as I am fighting with myself about speaking to him is this:
    After so much hurt and realizing nothing you say matters… You realize the biggest impact won’t be your words… but your lack of them. The hardest part is not witnessing someone missing you and how much they’ve lost by hurting you… But it is a small price to pay to realize your own worth.
    I hope that my story helps someone else… or even me. I obviously have some work to do on myself but… I am strong… and I am a good person…. and I hope to be okay.

  31. lissa November 17, 2014 at 11:48 pm #

    My partner ended our 16month relationship two weeks ago and im devastated. We had amazing holiday away..it was perfect. Then 2 months later I sensed something was wrong but he repeatedly reassured me all was fine. Even the day it ended he had text saying he was looking forward to seeing me. It ended so horribly..never got an answer which makes it so hard to move on. We were both so relaxed together no arguments just so chilled. Our sex life was amazing and then. ..two weeks of feeling something was wrong he said I was the most amazing and beautiful woman he’d ever met..but..wasnt enough..I never found out what wasn’t enough. Im getting through this day by day but so hard. We are both in our 50’s and just feels so confusing. I love him so much and know life goes on but this has caused me so much pain.

  32. caroline April 10, 2015 at 8:18 pm #

    My story is odd I think. 8 months ago I was seeing someone so casually it was absolutly toxic, He ended things because he was bored of it and that mostly made me mad but I got over it pretty quickly. Then, 2 months later I meet this guy who ends up giving me his phone number and I thought, why not, I have nothing to lose. He himself had put an end to his previous relationship of almost 2 years with his ex about 2 months prior. We started dating and it was great. He quickly brought up the fact he wanted to be exclusive and he was acting like a real new boyfriend.

    He talked about his ex sometimes but only when I brought up things about what was around his appartment like stuff he didn’t like in the spice rack and dog treats I found while helping him clean one day (it was her dog). It didn’t really feel like I was a rebound and 2 months in the relationship I asked him if we were boyfriend/girlfriend but he said he wasn’t ready for a relationship now and considered us more like “fuck friends” (even though we were definitly more than that……but in retrospect I don’t think he ever really gave us a chance to be a real couple).

    I should have left then but I liked him and decided that I was fine with the relationship as it was and thought if one day I felt different I would confront him. And then it got better. He was always telling me how beautiful I was and grabbing me from behind and kissing me on the neck, calling me with pet names and even being super romantic (well more than any guy had done for me before) on valentine’s day.

    But then he went on vacation at his parent’s house in the US and his ex contacted him (I believe they hadn’t seen each other since the break up 8 months ago). Her dad has a place in the same state but different city and he drove over there to meet her. He rented a hotel room and they spent the night togeter. He said they didn’t sleep together (she’s seeing someone and he was seeing me) but that they talked about the breakup and she swore she would change everything that “was wrong with her” (what had pushed him to break up with her) so that they could start over.

    The reason I know all of this is that when he first told me he met his ex during his vacation and felt some feelings resurface I left quickly without asking questions. I contacted him 3 days later asking to talk and he said yes. I pretty much got an answer to all the questions I had at the time (I’ve since formulated new questions but I know they’ll never be answered). He seemed like he was considering starting over with her because I guess he still felt something for her and figured if she would “fix” everything that bothered him maybe this would turn out to be the real committed relationship he wants at this point in his life.

    He did see the red flags though (well he didn’t like the fact that someone would change themselves for someone else and I pointed out what was wrong about this for both him and her). You see he had told me that he left her because she has a big dog which doesn’t work for him because he doesn’t like how time consuming and restricting it is. Her original philosopy was that once you adopt a pet it’s for life (I think like that as well). The other issue was that she wants children while he does not. And the final issue he had told me about was that their sex drive was at complete ends of the spectrum. She never wanted to do it and when she agreed it seemed like she was bothered and as if she couldn’t wait for it to end.

    These are big things in my opinion, big points that showed they weren’t compatible. And when she met him that time she said she was gonna get rid of the dog, consider not having children and put out everytime he wanted to have sex. You should never consider changing your personal ideals and dreams to match someone elses. And he should not consider letting her do it. So he said he was confused. That he had noticed that our own relationship was stagnant and he didn’t understand why after 6 months together he didn’t have any plans to take the next step. He told me he should probably have taken more time after his break up with her to spend some time on his own (and that he didn’t because he hates being alone). He said he needed to take this time now to figure out what he wants right now because he doesn’t want a casual relationship at his age (32) he wants the real deal. He said he didn’t know what he was going to realise…..that maybe in 4 months from now he might want to be with me. I acted cool and told him to take as much time as he needs and that once he figures it out to call me. I said I wouldn’t wait (he didn’t expect me too) and that when he calls me we’ll see what happens (will it be to get back with me just to find out if I’m with someone new or to be friends….as he said he would love to be friends).

    He said all the right things, that he really loves spending time with me, that our 6 months together was fantastic and that he was really, really attracted to me. He just couldn’t see me while he thinks. He doens’t want to make me waste my time while he figures out what he wants. He said it was really hard to resist sleeping with me…….I made a choice that I’m happy about and also regret. I led him to his bedroom. He was reticent because he didn’t think it was a good idea…..I guess he didn’t want to take adventage of me. He watched me undress and I kissed him softly. He said again that I was beautiful. And when I pulled him over me in his bed he was shaking while looking into my eyes and still conflicted between his desire to hold me and his desire not to take adventage of me. I told him it was going to be all right, that he could take all the time he needs after. So he made love to me and it felt more emotional than it ever did before (don’t get me wrong it was always great but never had I felt an emotional connection like this). He kept saying over and over again “you’re so beautiful”. When it was over we were cleaning up and he asked me if I had enjoyed “my last time”. That’s why I’m conflicted on this choice. Because I’m glad I had one last meaninful connection with him (to me at least) but I regret doing it because it’s giving me more pain now that I realise it was probably not the same feeling for him. He sort of gave me hope by saying he may one day realise he wants to be with me but took it away when he confirmed this was our last time. I know 6 months is a really short time for a relationship. I know his emotional connection was most likely stronger with his ex and that’s probably why he felt there may be a chance it could be right if only she changed the things that didn’t work for him. The things is it hurts me more than any other relationships I had before because, although I always did like the guys I dated……he seems to be the first guy I actually fell in love with. I didn’t tell him that. And I keep wondering if he’s back with her now, if he ever liked me (even if only a little). I tell myself that at least I was better than her (it’s mean I know, she doesn’t deserve hate, she’s probably a good person). I feel like at least I gave him what he needed in a way (time, love and understanding) and I didn’t act desperate and that I had respect for myself because I wasn’t willing to change all my ideals for someone else and was able to let go gracefully (at least make him think I let go…….because I’m not over it yet but I’ll get there) instead of begging like an idiot.

    It’s been 4 days since we had this discussion and I am determined not to contact him for at least a month to give me the time to maybe actually let go for real. Right now I feel like talking with him more, to try to convince him that I’m the one he needs. I want to tell him to pick me, choose me…..love me. But I know I can’t manipulate him into loving me. I know that if he didn’t feel the same after 6 months, clearly something was missing for him. I know the best thing for me is to let go. I know sleeping with him and feeling this last glorious high of emotion is preventing me from letting go of the hope he might one day call me to say he wants me and no one else. So I will not contact him. I’m thinking of telling him at least once that I fell in love with him (and that he’s the first guy to make me feel like this) and to thank him for the wonderfull time we spent together and for making me realise that I can actually feel this way. I’ll see how I feel in a month though…..I may decide that I don’t feel the need anymore but if I do send him something it will only be to tell him about my feelings and to thank him for the time we had. I don’t plan on making him feel bad or to convince him to take me back. I just want to set the record straight and tell him that my attitude 4 days ago was that of a girl who wanted to show him she was strong and understanding and that deep down I felt more for him than what I let show at the time. And if I do send him that I will wait to do it when I’m in a place where I am ok with not expecting anything in return. You just need to take it one day at a time and figure out what makes you feel good. For me it’s writing how I feel everyday. One day I will wake up and realise that I have moved on. Soon I hope.

  33. maria May 6, 2015 at 11:12 pm #

    hello mark,
    i broke up my boyfriend 4 months ago due to have big fight..
    he cheated on me before but i forgive him coz i love him so much..
    7 months after that happen i found out that they are communicating with the girl again i confront him but he keep on denying it and he never say sorry coz he said he never did wrong..
    i get mad that is why i broke up with him and say how he hurt me that i couldnt forgive him for what he did to me.. after few days he called me but never say sorry just simple hello coz i expect him to do something i get mad again and send him hateful message..
    weeks later called me again and it cost me another big fight again we are yelling each others saying how bad our relationship.. 5 days i send him letter saying sorry and i accept the break up but dont get any response.. after week again he called me just to tell me he has new girlfriend she is another girl he said how i hurt him that is why he find someone new just to ease the pain i couse him..it made me to thing my decission if its right or wrong that i broke up with him.. but all i want is he will show me how much he love me if he dont want the breakup he can show me and we can fix things out.. after that we keep our communication open we talk like we are still together.. we even say i love you to each others.. 2 weeks after i couldint reach him coz he is changing number that is why i came to place where he is working and cried and ask for forgiveness for what happen to our relationship i was denial at that time.. he said he still cared for me and love me he even say he is confuse for his decission and ask me to wait foe him till his relationship to the new girl gone and he will come back to me ..coz i love him i always say yes and will wait for him to come back.. i always called him but never answer the phone coz the girl get it from him..
    i am acting needy and desperate.. i even beg him to choose me over the new girl and promise to chance and do everything for him that make him mad and reject me..
    i am confuse he said that he love me more than the new girl but dont want to get back to me.. i was so hurt that he choose the girl where they are 1 month for a relationship over the more than 10 years of our relationship..he always say about the girl to hurt me..
    is he revenge me for breaking up with him?
    its been a month since that happen and i dont know what happen to him and the new girl i cut all the ties just to emprove myself and now i feel ok but still want to get him coz i love him so much,
    1. is he forgot me for have no contact for a month?
    2. they are living same place with the girl it means they say each others everytime,
    3.do i have a chance to get him or just wait till he initiate contact with me?
    any advice please..

Leave a Reply