I was dumped after two years of dating my Ex. I’ve known him for over 15 yrs but we only started dating in 07′ . When I met up with him in 07′ he was seperated from his then wife at the time and I knew it was a bad idea for me to jump into his life after he was in a 7 year relationship with his wife. Our relationship has been a rollercoaster ride since and I’m kind of relieved it’s over…i just feel so hurt because I believed we would make it. I guess Nothing lasts forever. It’s been 3 weeks since we broke up and I tried to do the “Closure” thing the right way…it back fired. I feel so ashamed and worthless I ended up pouring my heart out to this man instead of saying good bye (my original plan)
getting zero emotion from him hurt even more. I just thought how could he just sit there and watch me fall apart…

It probably isn’t advisable but people do seem to need to do it! I’ve talked to lots of women who have done different things. Sometimes they get closure from not doing anything (which is great) – one woman I talked to got dumped by email, and her closure was to not respond. Another responded to a text breakup by sending an understandably angry email (but not psycho!).

Others have needed one last conversation to ask questions like Sachao and Jessie. Of course it doesn’t always work very well, but they got a chance to ask those last questions – the ones they were too shocked to ask in the breakup conversation.

You never do get what you need from your ex though, as many of us just want him back – the trick is to let go after that closure action. Not always the easiest thing to do!

i was dumped in a similar situation to Saccheo. my girlfriend of 6 months moved back to chicago to deal with some family issues. she was not sure for how long she’d be gone and i considered going to chicago eventually if she was going to stay longer. we talked about breaking up but then decided to leave things open. she’d come to my sister’s wedding in a month when we’d revisit the subject.

well, for one thing our communication had never been great. she had never been into “talking about things” and would always shut me out when i tried to talk about her move in person. we’d struggled to get to a resolution.

i went to california for the month and three days after she was gone in chicago, she did just what she said she wouldn’t do– shut me out, broke up with me over the phone, and made some lame blaming excuse like “i can’t deal with you”. it made my time in california terrible. everyone kept telling me i had to find my own closure, but it just felt like so little to get from a break up. i called her twice in the next month and same result, just less dramatic each time– she’d talk over me and tell me we weren’t going to talk about things and that there was no blame to be put on anyone. so i’d be forced to hang up or have some cordial small talk for a bit and act like we were friends.

i got back from CA to my hometown a month later and didn’t call her. still, i could see her updates on facebook. she was partying in chicago, having a blast, and nothing about the family issues she’d gone to take care of. she’d start scrabble games with me on facebook, poke me to play them, but back out after i made a move. very hot/cold passive/agressive way to keep me going, it seemed. i was checking her profile way too much. i was seeing things that looked “flirty” on her wall posted by others, and i didn’t need to see this! i needed to delete her but didn’t know how to do it in a way that wouldn’t cause backlash, bc she’d proven to be quite vengeful and competitive since the break up.

so last night i called her on a whim. we hadnt spoken in a month and a half. i didn’t hold a cool demeanor as i had during the other conversations. i cryed because i couldn’t help it and told her i was hurt, that she wasn’t giving me anything to work with. she didn’t want to hear it but finally did for a bit. she acknoledged some of her behavior, which was a step.

she said she only wanted to stay friends if we were to not talk about the break up, and i said that i was still hurt so that wouldn’t be possible. granted, she’d been so “nice” our other conversations, saying shed call and send emails but never ever doing so. possibly wanting to keep the option open for herself. i said i needed space to heal and she said she’d call me. “no don’t call me, ill call you in a few months” i said, and told her that i would be deleting her on facebook too. she had to go out to the club (of course) so we got off the phone.

this morning i sent her this letter. i really hope it’s the closure i need at least:

subject healing

dear XXX-
i was super upset last night, but i hope that i was clear, despite
being weepy and emotional. i didn’t expect that phonecall to go like
that, but i think it’s been coming for awhile–i’ve just had so many
other major decisions on my plate that i couldn’t deal with
confronting it before.

i hope you know that i really care about you and value what we had
very much. this break up has been very hard on me, unexpected, and was
brought about in the worst way at the worst time. i’m tired of
pretending it doesn’t bother me–i just can’t play that game anymore
because i do care. it was very difficult to show you how much it hurts
as i did last night, but sometimes the truth heals better than
anything else.

i have mixed feelings about the subject in general, but i have been
thinking about it on and off and decided it’s healthiest we don’t be
facebook friends for a bit of time. it just seems counterproductive to
get each other’s updates when we are trying to have space and heal.
it’s definitely not spiteful towards you at all, which is why i wanted
to talk to you about it first. i hope you understand that it’s
something i need to do for now to be healthy and mature about creating
mental and emotional space (technology just gets in the way of that, i
think).

i miss you lots. i really don’t know what other option i’m given but
heal and move on. it breaks my heart but i do hope that time will heal
and that we will be able to be in each others lives again.

take good care of yourself, selma. love, peach pit

@lee –
Lee, these things take time… you will get over this break up.
Don’t you think you deserve so much more then being treated like this?
Focus on yourself and you’ll find closure in this.

Please read this book… “Alchemist” it helped me so much.
Keep your head up… you will find your twin soul just be patient
take care
Jessie

I believe closure has a different meaning to different people. After my break up I believed that my ex ‘owed’ me closure because things ended over the phone. In reality, he gave me a number of reasons as to why he had decided to end things. Reasons that I did not agree with but reasons nonetheless. He answered my questions honestly and also assured me that the only reason for breaking it off was for a step up in his career. Looking back now, I can honestly say that it would of been nice to have seen him one last time but the fact of the matter is, it would not have changed anything or made a difference to how I was feeling at the time. All I was seeking was reassurance that I was not the reason why he ended things. For me, closure means accepting that things are over, learning from your mistakes and moving forward. Only you and you alone can give yourself closure.

I’m new here, and the reason I’m here is that I recently had my heart broken. Now I’m in the anger phase, and as much as I try to talk myself into letting go, I’m still angry! I have a right to be angry, and It seems the only other option is to feel stupid for giving up my heart so freely, to feel stupid for telling my family and friends how perfect we felt together. I’m usually fine but my anger sometimes keeps me awake at night.
This article pertains to me because I came to this site with one simple question, ‘Should I let him know I hate his guts?’
After reading Eddie’s articles, and stories from others, I think my best option would be to write an email, and NOT send it. Maybe even a few emails.
So, I had a huge crush on this guy, Ill call him Z- 6 YEARS ago! I was in an unhappy relationship with my ex of 7 years, and he worked with this guy Z who broke my heart. Z and I had an inexplicable crazy chemistry!
LONG (and intense) story short, we had an amazing romantic fling four years ago… about a year after I’d left my ex that he was still working with. The stress he felt from hiding our relationship made him end our fling after a few incredibly romantic blissful months. I never quite got over the feeling of chemistry we had, and he moved 500 miles north. Ok wait, thats an understatement, I probably thought about him at least once a day for the past 4 years. But I’ve always been the type to say ‘F you’ and play hard to get (it works, i swear!)
Anyway, 5 months ago he added me on facebook, and a week later on twitter. My heart sunk every time I saw his name. Finally he came to town and told me to call him so we could hang out. When we finally were going to meet, I had to call a friend to help me get out of my car! I’m usually cool, calm and collected… but not after so many years of wondering, and wishing to see this man.
We had an amazing time of course, chemistry was still on fiya! I went to his hometown and met his parents, he talked about how our babies would look, I invited him home for Xmas, he would joke around about buying a house together, etc. etc. etc. He honestly led me to believe he was really serious about ‘us.’ He was still living many miles away but promised he was moving to my city for work (from the beginning.) We both traveled a lot and saw each other many times until 2 months ago.
Then, as some of you have also said, the texts died off, the phone calls were nonexistent. It hurt, but my 2 brothers told me to ignore him. I think they knew what they were talking about.
Finally, about a month ago I broke down and sent him a text. I found out that he was working in my city through facebook pics. I said “Ouch, you were here last night?” “Whatever it is this time Z, you should have the decency to tell me something, and I appreciate honesty more than anything” He basically said “sorry Im going thru some things financially and, I’ve been in my own head too much, maybe we should talk” And I said yes call me as soon as you can.
Well, he never called. I “got the picture” continued to take my brothers advice, and didn’t contact him either. Then last week I check his facebook page and it says “in a relationship” with this girl who had been leaving hearts on his page for months. Everyday recently she’d post “i love you” and he’d post it back. I was disgusted!
I believe he is a very flighty coward of a person. After all the intense feelings we shared (which truly seemed mutual, from his words and actions) he’s in a relationship and declaring his love on facebook?!?! When I asked for nothing but honesty, a simple explanation, whatever it may be…. Why do I have to find these things out on facebook?!
My only recourse thus far was to delete him from facebook… and it felt good! But would it help me to tell him, in a VERY civil way, that he’s an insensitive flighty coward? that he led me on and I think he’s a BS artist? Or should I leave it be?
Never underestimate the theraputic power of writing. I feel better already.