The following email from our regular reader “Sachao” from Germany is a very inspiring success story about getting closure and your strength back after she had to face her Ex.
What would YOU do, if you ran into your Ex continuously after returning to a small town after six months No-Contact?
Please read on.
My ex-boyfriend and I were together for seven months when I had to go abroad for a semester (6months) to study. I was very excited to go to France and my ex, who had traveled a lot himself, was always very supportive.
Of course, it was a challenge: only together for seven months and then me going away for six months, but I was pretty confident we would make it.
Before I went to France, my ex and I had a big talk: he was having doubts about me going away, and I wanted to clear it once and for all. I wanted to be sure that he really wanted to put in effort in our long distance relation.
During the talk, he stated he wanted to go for it, make it work and wanted to continue with me. He proposed to book a holiday to Italy after I would come back from my Erasmus, and we booked a couple of weekends where I would return to him or when he would visit me in France.
For me, this was a confirmation that things were going well.
Full of confidence, I went to France.
The first two weeks were hard, but afterward, I started to enjoy myself. I noticed my ex and I weren't having that much contact (he did not call me very often), but I thought he needed to build up his life without me and I needed to create a life in France.
Six weeks later, out of the blue, my ex called me and said he was having doubts and that he couldn't do it anymore, that his feelings were different.
It was so out of nothing for me; I was totally shocked. He broke up with me over the phone, five days before I would return to him for a weekend, not giving me any explanation.
The last part was the hardest, the “I cannot do this anymore” was not enough for me. Why couldn't he explain more?
Stunned and broken, he was my first love, and I had had so much faith in us… how often he would say that what we had was special. And now, he just left me out of the blue. Pretty much without reason, he even said himself “I don't know why I am doing is but I just can't anymore.”
Being so far away from my friends and family made it even harder, although I had a lot of support from my friends in France.
The months afterward I was broken, dazed and confused, but still enjoying my time in France, having no contact whatsoever with my ex. Still, it was influencing my time in France, which looking back, I blame my ex the most.
When the end of my Erasmus came near, I was getting anxious and scared to go back to my hometown, where my ex also lives and studies. And indeed, when I came back, the hardest part had yet to start. Being abroad was a good thing, but also gave me space to run away from my feelings.
When I came back the only people standing at the airport were my parents, my heart broke again. It was a confirmation that it was really over.
In my first week back, I immediately ran into him. I knew this would happen lots of times since we have some common friends and live in the same small town in Germany.
After a few miserable weeks back in Germany, I HAD to break the no-contact rule. I had to talk to him. Not to get answers, I did not expect any answers, but to tell my ex what I thought of the way he handled it. A relationship breaks up over the telephone, out of the blue without giving me any time to ask something or to express my thoughts. I needed this for closure.
I already told myself that I was not going to break; I was going to be strong, tell him my thoughts, and walk away.
Luckily my ex responded positive, so we met up.
Strangely enough, when he was sitting in front of me, I was seeing a totally different person than with whom I was together. I told him all my thoughts, but in a strong and confident matter, like it did not bother anymore (which wasn't true, but I did not want to show him my pain). I was so strong and saw him looking like a lost young spoiled rich boy more and more.
He admitted everything: he was afraid because of the long distance, had panicked and acted in an impulsive way. For me, it was clear that he was too immature and could not handle difficult things, that he was too weak to fight for something. He already had a new girlfriend, somebody who would never go abroad without him, a very ‘easy girl' who would do anything he says. The opposite of me, but apparently he wants a less complicated relationship now.
I ignored the spark that was still there between us, stayed strong and walked out again. I have never felt so strong. He admitted everything, and I was again the strongest person.
He fell off his pedestal. For me, this was closure.
Now we can walk by and say ‘hi,' without any problems. Sometimes it still hurts a bit, but the way he acts and stands in life is just not for me. I want somebody who wants to fight for me, somebody strong enough. Because he was my first love, I did not have any comparison. Now I know, that there are nicer and stronger guys than my ex.
What I want to say is that closure is crucial. For me, this was the conversation. Everybody has to find their closure. Breaking the no-contact rule is only a good thing if your only goal is closure, not getting back together or getting answers. It has to be closure for YOU.
Apart from closure, distraction is a good thing. Do sports, or go traveling. Just do not run away from your pain, like I did in France. It will catch up and affect you even harder later.
I have become a more confident and strong person from this experience and now see it just as something everybody has to get through sometimes in life. I do not have a new boyfriend yet, but I am starting to enjoy being single again.
Everybody will get their portion of bad luck in life, and you will get through. But you have to WANT to get better, do not stay in the place of the dumpee.
Sachao
What Sachao did was risky and heroic at the same time.
To break no-contact to find closure is a noble intention, but unfortunately, the reality is very often a different one.
The truth is it can go terribly wrong.
You walk into it too early or unprepared; you WILL be devastated.
Usually, I do not recommend it.
It's simply too risky, and there are many ways to get closure without having to involve the Ex.
Luckily it worked out for Sachao and gave her her life back.
What she did was remarkable: she took control of her life.
She refused to be a victim and decided to be strong. She chose to take action instead of being passive.
She was rewarded for that by learning that her Ex isn't the person she thought he was, that he wasn't able to live up to her expectations. That gave her the strength to carry on.
Thank you Sachao for your inspiring story and all the best for your future.
What do you think? Is closure a must or simply too risky? Please comment below in the comment section.
Your friend,
Eddie Corbano
P.S.: By the way, if you have a similarly inspiring story to share, please do so by contacting me. Thanks.
I don’t really understand this term “closure”. I guess every situation is difficult. But last week, I was dumped by a guy who decided to sleep with is ex wife and says they need to “work stuff out” and he “needs a break”. He didn’t tell me he slept with her – he sent me an email (see other thread on things not to say when being dumped), saying his ex had come round on his birthday and said she wanted to get back together. I telephoned and asked if he slept with her. I think he was so taken aback by the question, he stumbled for a minute and said “yes”. For me, that was the “closure” I needed. I just told him to send my stuff back to me. I sent him a short, terse email but that was it. Because much as I would love to see him to rant and scream and say “How could you do this to me?” I know I don’t want to be with a man who cheated on me – and with is ex wife no less. So there is no “closure” – because I haven’t seen him or spoken to him, and it seems shocking to be in his bed one night (and then the next night his ex wife is in it), kissing him goodbye the next morning and then NEVER seeing him again. I have not discussed why he did it, what he was thinking, why he lied, cheated, etc. And I would LOVE to have that conversation with him. But where would it lead me? I know I would never trust him or want anything to do with him again – so what does a “closure” meeting achieve? Revenge? Ack. That’s just going to make me feel worse. It’s a tug – I want to see his face, understand how he could do this. I feel like he got off “easily” because I’ve not confronted him. And it seems unfair. But at the end of the day, nothing he would say or do would change the fact that I want nothing to do with him ever again, so what’s the point? I try to console myself with the knowledge that i may be sad and angry and hurt and cry a lot this week, but he’s the one that has to live with his conscience every day and come to terms with what he did to me. And if he really wants to go back to his ex wife and doesn’t tell her about me, then that’s doomed anyway. And if he does tell her and she’s willing to take him back anyway then she’s a fool – because he divorced her to be with someone else (not me) anyway. It’s tough – I don’t want him to have the satisfaction of not having to deal with me in this whole sordid mess, but revenge isn’t going to make me heal quicker.
Kelly, I admire you. What you've just said is so wise. If I only had that sober way of thinking 2 years ago, after my boyfriend asked for “more space” and then confirmed that we should stay apart.
I suffered terribly, and longed for a “clear-up” conversation and a closure… I wrote many mails but never sent them to him. I never asked him for a conversation either – mostly from the fear that this will hurt me even more.
Now, after 2 years, I've received a letter from him where he says he loves me and that he would like to restore communication with me, with close friendship and good understanding of each other. I replied by saying it was difficult for me to do that, because the trust is gone.
I keep thinking whether I still want a closure from him, now that he is so open to a dialogue… And I don't know. Maybe this is no longer necessary. What will I ask him? Do I really need to know the reasons and reasons behind the reasons for him leaving me back then? As you say, this is not going to change my future. I've made the conclusions from this experience, it's been heart wrenching to go through all this.
The only type of an ideal closure I can imagine would be just hugging each other and saying “sorry” and “thank you” to each other, and that's all. But I don't know if this would be possible.
Eddie and all,
Sharing your situations has given me the courage to write you. It has been hard to contain this frustration and lack of closure. I would love to hear your thoughts.
A bit of background, I dated this girl for almost 2 years and broke up last february. The 2 years of relationship proved hard, because we had some long distance, unemployment in her part and risk of losing my job while I had bought the apt where she was going to move in with me. She comes from a broken family. So a lot of fears are in her head already. I am no angel, although my family has been more united than hers. Anyhow, with all this stress last february, I ask her for a bit of space/help and she freaked out, I wasn’t breaking up but she got anxious to the point that she reacted in a way that made me want to break up. After the break up, unfortunately Eddie, we didn’t follow your rule of no contact (in hindsight we should’ve). She first tried but I was frustrated with her lack of solidarity in a stressful time. Then I finally worked it around my head and when I came back (after a few weeks) she pulled away and said she was really hurt by me. This hurt me again and I felt it was a game, so I ended things (again). We didn’t talk for a few weeks or so. When we finally did (after 3 months of the breakup) when I wanted to talk, she said she decided to go out with this guy (a co-worker). I was livid, because she was the jealous one (I can be too) but someone she had ‘been friends w/ for a while’ but had a gf too and broke up w her to date my ex. I told her what I have learned and she said she was giving him a chance. I decided to let go. And to noones surprise, while dating him, she would still txt me how I hurt her so much, and how she hadn’t moved on and other hot/cold messages like that. She would see me every 4 days or so, while nothing really happened except talking, she was still dating this dude. She said she wasnt serious, until recently when she admitted ‘he was going too fast’. It hurts me that she introduced him to the family so fast. Might be more the ego hurt, I am not sure, but it really hurts knowing that know, especially since she was deceiving saying it wasn’t serious. They broke up after 2-3 months. She then started talking to me more often, we would go out for dinner and she would tell me she was just scared of giving me a chance, because the break-up put her on the edge, and she was so scared of us getting there too. I have since June been supportive in everything, from her buying a place, the marathon she ran, and being available. Somehow along the way, my mistakes seemed to have weighted more, and I took the break up as my fault, and her behavior as justified? The last months before the holidays she was getting closer to be together (she didn’t want to be ‘official’ she was scared). She said she didn’t know how to take the next step and wanted to get over her fears. Right during thx giving holidays and xmas, she pulled away. It was all of the sudden. Messed me up.
She said it reminded her of last years. When I needed a big favor during xmas after she apologized for being distant, she said she could (pick up some paperwork from my apt) and then she changed her mind. It hurt me to know I couldnt count on her, especially in time of crisis. I don’t really ask for many things. She felt bad and asked for communication again, send emails saying she knew she had to decide whether to go for it or not, but that she didn’t know how to, that it was a big risk because of the hurt of last year. I have been pretty good to her especially the last months, and all of our arguments have still been over last years things.
Anyhow, last week after in the morning sending sweet messages, and telling me: you know you could call or reach out sometimes too? although when I messaged her months ago, she would feel ‘pressured’. Later in that day, we were having a conversation where it felt like she just wanted to be reassured that I was not going to hurt her, and it was going well, then all of the sudden it’s like she remember the anger from last year and she just said she couldnt do it. So I asked if that was the end and she said yes. I asked then we needed to stop communication totally.
Now a week later, I find myself still shocked, things improved in the last 2 wks and she was more constructive on our relationship and she pulled away. She said it stressed her out to talk about us all the time and wasnt getting her closer to me. But I wanted to go back to us too. We have not talked/txted/emailed.
I think this is the end for good. But I feel like there are some things left I wanted to say. Like in the marathon, I feel like she left right before the end. I want to tell her it was not fair to have send those messages earlier those days if her intent was to finish things.
It kills me a bit to know she is better at blocking things off from her head, and to know that I am still hurting. I am trying to put things in perspective, bring her down from the pedestal, but part of me still doesn’t know or want to let go. Even when she broke up, she didn’t seem sure. I asked for a goodbye hug, and she didnt want to give it to me. Like if she were angry. I was hesitant whether to contact her and ask her if it was a rash decision she made (and now she’s being proud) or realize the other possibility: she chose not to be with me.
Any thoughts, advice from you guys would be great during this hardship. I feel it’s just been almost a year of sadness and not sure how to go from here. Thank you
im having trouble letting go of anger.
i have all this anger against my ex, and i dont knw what to do with it. i’ve blocked him on fb and yet he made another account and emailed me! he sends stuff on occasions and at first i thot it’s cuz he still likes me.. but i’ve always felt he had some feelings towards two other girls he was friends with before he got with me. i saw smthing he wrote on one of these girl’s profiles and it drove me insane with anger. it’s like he’s chasing after her and she doesnt give a crap about him.. and he still chases her and denied everything to me!!! why is it when i treated him well he didnt give a crap?! am i supposed to b sm idiot girl tht ignores him and doesnt care for him to care?
at first i used to get sad at all this.. then i became plain angry.. like it makes my head hurt, makes me yell at ppl.. just PISSED. it’s like i want revenge.. i want this cold jerk to suffer so bad cuz i’ve been through hell.
what does he want with me? if he wants these other two so bad why did he keep contacting me after i left.. WHAT IS THIS? how do i get through this and how do ppl like this get what they deserve?!?!
Dearest Sachao, THANK YOU for sharing your story, I can really relate to it and it really gives me hope. My closure didn’t go that well because I wanted to have him and, of course, he didn’t want to. But, I’m feeling better each day and I hope to find another love who reciprocates my efforts, as well. I wish the same for you, you deserve it girl!
@Sachao –
RE: ‘To assume that I am too high maintenance, is just sad.”.
that wasn’t my point, just that there are two sides of the story…to assume still only you ”have absolutely NOT MADE any mistakes in my previous relationship, and the fact that it fell apart, is only HIM to blame” is still only your assertion…he’s not here to defend himself….or we can’t get his assertion….and maybe you’re right: that you didn’t do ”anything wrong”…i still ascertain that sometimes people just change and can grow apart….
thus either become mismatched OR finally acknowledge that they are mismatched and the relationship in the end is more about ‘unentangling’ when they shouldn’t have been together in the first place…..ie we didn’t pay attention to certain things until they came more visible later on….i can vouch for some of these natural human frailties in my own relationship dissolution….so it’s not always about ”making mistakes.”
bottom line, sachao: i hope you find lots of love in your life, and find someone who’s compatible with you, your temperament, values, goals, energy and so on…..we all have our own unique set of baggage and filters of life…despite making mistakes and either being hurt or hurting others, fundamentally we’re all (and this includes your ex) stumbling and bumbling along as best we can towards trying to both find and keep love in our lives.
RE: ”For me it was clear that he was too immature and could not handle difficult things, that he was to weak to fight for something. He already had a new girlfriend, somebody who would never go abroad without him, a very ‘easy girl’ who would do anything he says. The opposite of me, but apparently he wants a less complicated relationship now.”
i don’t like this (above) dissing of the ex and his new gal….we ALL have our baggage and limitations…why not just say that they were a bad match?…maybe to the ex, this gal was ”too high maintenance” or hyper for him…doesn’t mean it’s true, just that these are two different personalities who couldn’t work through things for whatever reasons, ie, lack of skills, ego, stubborness etc…
one really useful tool is to write out your relationship story and go through it and highlight with two different markers ”facts” vs ”fiction”…this can help sift through much emotional filters and our fears…uses some cognitive tools, too…but i try this phrase when my fears start to overwhelm me….”’ok, what is fact here…and what is my own or their own ‘fiction’ ?” (i got that tool from ‘spiritual divorce’ by debbie ford..an excellent book).
canali, it is my story above, and of course it is your opinion, it’s not ‘dissing’ my ex. It’s the truth. And I can understand you think it’s dissing, but only I know that this is the truth. I could’ve added a million other details to make my story clearer, but those things are not important. To assume that I am too high maintenance, is just sad. Key point of my story is the fact that I was dumped because I went abroad and chose personal development and independence over staying close and ‘dependent’ to my ex. Conclusion: He could not handle that.
As much as I appreciate everyone’s comments and opinions, don’t judge me, since you have absolutely no right to do that. It’s not about ”dissing’ my ex, it is about seeing his short comings in the end and to see that he has fell of his pedestal. I am not saying I am perfect, but I know I have absolutely NOT MADE any mistakes in my previous relationship, and the fact that it fell apart, is only HIM to blame. I know this is an exception, but I can honestly look myself in the eye and say I did everything to make it work. If somebody is not willing to do the same for me, that person is just not worth it. You might seeing as ‘dissing’ the ex, I see it as seeing the truth and finally stop making the story better than it is. You have to look at yourself critically, but if you keep thinking it was only ‘a bad match’, you fool yourself.
Good luck in the future and thanks to everyone else for their comments 🙂
I completely agree with you Sachao. I, too, dealt with a guy that is similar to your ex in the aspect that he is immature and can't handle putting in the effort to make a relationship work. I think one of the hardest things to accept is when you feel as though you have given 110% in a relationship, only to get half that (if not less) from your significant other. Guys and girls are totally different. That's how I feel at least. I put everything into my relationship and did what i could to make it work. Unfortunately, a one sided relationship will never work. If your significant other is not putting in the effort, then the relationship is doomed. My ex and I had been through so many ups and downs…I was his first real girlfriend-we lasted 2 and a half years. I look back on it and realize that one of the main reasons we lasted as long as we did was because of me. I tried so hard to keep that relationship together. I think I created a fantasy relationship in my mind, making things seem better than what they really were because I loved him. When I caught him cheating, lying, etc. he would never really chase after me. He would say how i deserved better. I have always felt that if you hurt somebody you “love” you will not let them walk away so easily due to a mistake you made. Again, looking back on the relationship, I can see he clearly wasn't man enough and mature enough to handle a relationship. Chances are he will be the same in his next relationship.
@Niki –
Niki, if you have read any of my above posts, you’ll see that I’m going through something very similiar and a little more intense. Trust me, this is the worst pain you are probably ever going to have to go through in your life. The more you ignore him the closer he’ll get. However, if you want to be with someone that can write you off after 8 years so easily, devalue you in front of his friends and other women by accepting their flirtations, number, etc….then you need to think are you doing yourself a grave injustice by accepting any apology? More than likely (coming from a guy) he has remained in contact with this girl and is probably even telling her that he is single, or that you two are no more. Men want to have their cake and eat it too, UNTIL it’s no longer tolerated. Then they feel an urgency to regain control of the person they no longer have control over. My girlfriend of 8 1/2 years moved three streets down from me last month for the purpose of us becoming closer and realizing how important we are to each other. She’s always been faithful and very kind. A week later i walked down to her new place and found her making out with another guy on her couch. I was absolutely devastated. Still am. Last week we hung out and was going to dinner and i tried everything i could to win over her heart. Took her to Key West for T-DAY and had an excellent time. However, following day she blew me off for dinner, and then the next day as well. Went over there to drop off some flowers and there was this other guys truck. I knocked on the door, got no answer, then 10 minutes later the police were at my door telling me that i could no longer visit her property. Mind blowing. I mean really………..mind blowing! I’m absolutely crushed. Had planned on proposing to her on our anniversary this year (new years) and I’m just sideways over all this.
So, trust me I know how bad it hurts but don’t be drugged by the pain. Don’t let it make you think there is still a chance or that you even want a chance. Just pull away, and think for awhile. I’m attempting to do this at the moment as well. Except this morning i saw his vehicle there in her driveway on my way to work around 7:30. So apparently this new guy, who was nothing serious, is now spending the night with her. It’s torture. I’m trying desperately to move out of the keys. Paradise is now hell.
If there is anything you would like to talk about I would be totally open to email communication. It really helps to talk to people going through the same thing. Very challenging as well. If you wanna chat my email is locustcapri (at) yahoo.com
My advice right now isn’t the best or maybe even what you may want to hear, it’s just the brutal truth and preparation for the worst outcome, because that was what i received.
Hope everything works out.
Joseph
I truly appreciate everyone who responded to my post. You have no idea how much your responses have helped me!!!
It feels like there is no closure between us. He tried calling me three times in Thanksgiving but I missed his calls. He ended up calling my best friend to ask how I was doing and to tell me how sorry he was. There has been many times when I want to send him an email to get some answers but I have stopped myself from doing so (thankfully). I know in my heart that he has probably remained in contact with the other girl who he met for one night! Wow! 8 1/2 years was thrown down the drain for a few hours in a club! How much more can one feel devalued??
I feel that I am an attractive person, however, when a situation like this happens to a person, it makes them feel inadequate. It makes you feel that you weren’t good enough. This situation has certainly taken a toll in my self-esteem.
How can I deal with this situation objectively?? How can I get closure??
Hey- it sounds like he’s confused and making some poor decisions with the big changes coming up. It’s no excuse to disrespect and lie to you, though! It sounds like you’ve been there for him, doing whatever he pleases and waiting for him along the way. He probably is taking advantage of that and thinks/knows you will be there no matter how inappropriate he’s acting.
Maybe he is having cold feet and entertaining feelings for this other woman and doesn’t want to be honest with you. It hurts, I know! I’ve been there (been cheated on more than once). Honestly, you have to realize that you deserve more respect than that. I know you’ve been with him a long time and put a lot of love into the relationship so letting go is easier said than done, but for your own good, you need to draw the line here.
After being cheated on more than once, when it happened at the end of my eight year relationship in 2008 and I was being given the same neutral, denying sort of dishonesty that you’re getting, I didn’t have the tolerance any longer. Once the truth was in front of my face, I ended it. It was hard and didn’t make sense right away, but it turned out my ex was going through major issues with undiagnosed bipolar mania. It didn’t make it excusable to cheat on me, though.
You can beg and be dragged through their problems, but really, when someone is unfaithful it’s all about THEIR issues and nothing to do with you. It can become your problem the more you hang on, though. Whether you are going to work things out in the long run or not, I can’t stress any more that the best, healthiest option for you is to draw the line, tell him you know what he’s up to, and remove yourself from the situation for now. I know it’s hard–you are going to need a lot of support from friends and family. Online support sites have helped me a lot, friends, and getting a good therapist. Don’t be afraid to use all of your resources and be kind to yourself!
He needs to realize he’s lost you to even confront what he’s doing. Maybe he will come around, maybe he won’t in the end. Maybe you will end up finding someone better for you who makes all of the sacrifices and concessions for you that you’ve been willing to make in your relationship.
Now that you have proof of what he’s doing, it’s in your hands to decide where you’re going to go next.
@Niki – omg!!!!!
I am going through almost the same damn thing. I waited 1 year while my boyfriend was in Iraq. He fell in love with a fellow soilder girl. He even had sex with her while he was over there. I did not find out until he was back for a couple of weeks. He was sneaking to go see her. GIRL I FEEL YOU!!!!
i know its really hard to go through this phase that u r going through. i think u deserve somebody better than a person who let u down after 8 and half years of relationship. i know its going to be hard for you but i am sure he is going to regret very badly but u will not be there. just let him know that the world will not come to an end after he left u .thats all. just be strong ok …please take care and move ahead in life.ok.bye. good luck.
I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 8 1/2 years. He was my first love and high school sweetheart. After college, he decided to join the Military. During the last four years, I have been following him around the country to where he was stationed to make our relationship work. He has been gone most of the time for training, yet I was waiting by his side whenever he had a down time. I have been preparing myself for his deployment for the last four years.
Finally, three weeks ago, he was scheduled to deploy to Iraq. However, during the last weekend before deployment, I urged him to fly back home with me to our hometown. I even paid for the plane ticket to help him out. The next day we flew in, he requested a boy’s night out. I felt uneasy about it because he only had a few days left in the U.S. yet he wanted to spend time partying instead of being with me. That night, he failed to call or text me. The next day I saw a picture of him with a girl kissing his cheek while his eyes was closed as if he was feeling it. He wrote to the girl, “I had fun last night, I wish it didn’t have to end.”
When I saw this image, I immediately broke down and my heart was shattered to the ground. I can’t believe that this was the same guy writing to me two months ago telling me about his three year plan. The number one plan was to marry me.
Anyway, I confronted him the next day about what he had done. He immediately denied it stating that, “I didn’t go home with the girl or sleep with her.” According to him, he did not cheat. Yet, when I asked him to call her in front of me, he refused right away and deleted her number.
When he landed in Kuwait after a few days, I saw that he emailed all his friends letting them know he was safe and sound. He also emailed the other girl separately telling her “He cannot stop thinking about her and he has never felt this way in a while.” Meanwhile, he failed to message me just to let me know he was okay.
Why did he do this to me? Can anybody shed me some light?
Niki, I read this post today and it looks like it’s been over 4 years since this incident. I’m sorry you had to go through this pain. How are you doing now?
I felt i owed it to my ex to explain my decision of dumping him. since it was a long distance relationship, we sorted it out through chat. he asked alot of questions, i answered, we talked it out, and then he played with my guilt. (for the record, i ended things bcs after enduring a long time of long distance and hardships, when he finally decided that he was serious enough to introduce me to his parents, i had begun to change as a person and wanted to just see the world). alot of other little things happ but i wont go into details. he stopped contacting me as much after he left for college again after his visit. problem is we had an amazing time while he was here. then he started to sorta fade away. we’d talk once a week.. n tht was barely through txt msging. no more phone calls, nothing. i always asked why he never called n he came up with excuses. then i took a break.. and decided to call it quits.
here’s the closure part: when i decided to explain things, he started going on about how i was always uncertain (which is true), about how he was broke, got fired from his job, had a dropping gpa, and a dying uncle. furthermore, he became friends with the girl he cheated on me with.. saying that “he needed her”.
all im saying is.. closure lets u sorta come to terms with what happened.. lets u just get rid of everything u need to say to move on. but if your a dumper.. be careful not to fall into the guilt trap.. bcs there may always be a guilt trap!
@Jessie –
I just recently broke up with my boyfriend of 10 months just last Saturday. It ended over email due to a lot of circumstances, but essentially all attempts at first reconciliation, then despair, and eventually trying to gain closure have failed. I’ve called, I’ve emailed, I’ve text msg’d..and I have received no response. He mailed me back my things.
So I can understand how hurt you must have felt to get NO response to your outpouring of emotion. I realized however, after many humiliating moments of breaking down and contacting him, that it is absolutely his loss. I can honestly look back and say I tried everything to make it work, and try and resolve our conflict.
If there is no reciprocation, there is no way you can make it work. It’s like a bike, it needs two wheels. And if your significant other has the capacity to be so cold, and unable to empathize with your feelings, then do you really want that person in your life??
Knowing that my ex had the capacity for such coldness made me realize I want someone who is always willing to work things out and not just shut me out.
It will take time, but I am a firm believer in, ‘this too shall pass’. This is a moment in time. And it sucks right now. But eventually, we will find the love that we deserve!
I’m new here, and the reason I’m here is that I recently had my heart broken. Now I’m in the anger phase, and as much as I try to talk myself into letting go, I’m still angry! I have a right to be angry, and It seems the only other option is to feel stupid for giving up my heart so freely, to feel stupid for telling my family and friends how perfect we felt together. I’m usually fine but my anger sometimes keeps me awake at night.
This article pertains to me because I came to this site with one simple question, ‘Should I let him know I hate his guts?’
After reading Eddie’s articles, and stories from others, I think my best option would be to write an email, and NOT send it. Maybe even a few emails.
So, I had a huge crush on this guy, Ill call him Z- 6 YEARS ago! I was in an unhappy relationship with my ex of 7 years, and he worked with this guy Z who broke my heart. Z and I had an inexplicable crazy chemistry!
LONG (and intense) story short, we had an amazing romantic fling four years ago… about a year after I’d left my ex that he was still working with. The stress he felt from hiding our relationship made him end our fling after a few incredibly romantic blissful months. I never quite got over the feeling of chemistry we had, and he moved 500 miles north. Ok wait, thats an understatement, I probably thought about him at least once a day for the past 4 years. But I’ve always been the type to say ‘F you’ and play hard to get (it works, i swear!)
Anyway, 5 months ago he added me on facebook, and a week later on twitter. My heart sunk every time I saw his name. Finally he came to town and told me to call him so we could hang out. When we finally were going to meet, I had to call a friend to help me get out of my car! I’m usually cool, calm and collected… but not after so many years of wondering, and wishing to see this man.
We had an amazing time of course, chemistry was still on fiya! I went to his hometown and met his parents, he talked about how our babies would look, I invited him home for Xmas, he would joke around about buying a house together, etc. etc. etc. He honestly led me to believe he was really serious about ‘us.’ He was still living many miles away but promised he was moving to my city for work (from the beginning.) We both traveled a lot and saw each other many times until 2 months ago.
Then, as some of you have also said, the texts died off, the phone calls were nonexistent. It hurt, but my 2 brothers told me to ignore him. I think they knew what they were talking about.
Finally, about a month ago I broke down and sent him a text. I found out that he was working in my city through facebook pics. I said “Ouch, you were here last night?” “Whatever it is this time Z, you should have the decency to tell me something, and I appreciate honesty more than anything” He basically said “sorry Im going thru some things financially and, I’ve been in my own head too much, maybe we should talk” And I said yes call me as soon as you can.
Well, he never called. I “got the picture” continued to take my brothers advice, and didn’t contact him either. Then last week I check his facebook page and it says “in a relationship” with this girl who had been leaving hearts on his page for months. Everyday recently she’d post “i love you” and he’d post it back. I was disgusted!
I believe he is a very flighty coward of a person. After all the intense feelings we shared (which truly seemed mutual, from his words and actions) he’s in a relationship and declaring his love on facebook?!?! When I asked for nothing but honesty, a simple explanation, whatever it may be…. Why do I have to find these things out on facebook?!
My only recourse thus far was to delete him from facebook… and it felt good! But would it help me to tell him, in a VERY civil way, that he’s an insensitive flighty coward? that he led me on and I think he’s a BS artist? Or should I leave it be?
Never underestimate the theraputic power of writing. I feel better already.
I believe closure has a different meaning to different people. After my break up I believed that my ex ‘owed’ me closure because things ended over the phone. In reality, he gave me a number of reasons as to why he had decided to end things. Reasons that I did not agree with but reasons nonetheless. He answered my questions honestly and also assured me that the only reason for breaking it off was for a step up in his career. Looking back now, I can honestly say that it would of been nice to have seen him one last time but the fact of the matter is, it would not have changed anything or made a difference to how I was feeling at the time. All I was seeking was reassurance that I was not the reason why he ended things. For me, closure means accepting that things are over, learning from your mistakes and moving forward. Only you and you alone can give yourself closure.
@lee –
Lee, these things take time… you will get over this break up.
Don’t you think you deserve so much more then being treated like this?
Focus on yourself and you’ll find closure in this.
Please read this book… “Alchemist” it helped me so much.
Keep your head up… you will find your twin soul just be patient
take care
Jessie
i was dumped in a similar situation to Saccheo. my girlfriend of 6 months moved back to chicago to deal with some family issues. she was not sure for how long she’d be gone and i considered going to chicago eventually if she was going to stay longer. we talked about breaking up but then decided to leave things open. she’d come to my sister’s wedding in a month when we’d revisit the subject.
well, for one thing our communication had never been great. she had never been into “talking about things” and would always shut me out when i tried to talk about her move in person. we’d struggled to get to a resolution.
i went to california for the month and three days after she was gone in chicago, she did just what she said she wouldn’t do– shut me out, broke up with me over the phone, and made some lame blaming excuse like “i can’t deal with you”. it made my time in california terrible. everyone kept telling me i had to find my own closure, but it just felt like so little to get from a break up. i called her twice in the next month and same result, just less dramatic each time– she’d talk over me and tell me we weren’t going to talk about things and that there was no blame to be put on anyone. so i’d be forced to hang up or have some cordial small talk for a bit and act like we were friends.
i got back from CA to my hometown a month later and didn’t call her. still, i could see her updates on facebook. she was partying in chicago, having a blast, and nothing about the family issues she’d gone to take care of. she’d start scrabble games with me on facebook, poke me to play them, but back out after i made a move. very hot/cold passive/agressive way to keep me going, it seemed. i was checking her profile way too much. i was seeing things that looked “flirty” on her wall posted by others, and i didn’t need to see this! i needed to delete her but didn’t know how to do it in a way that wouldn’t cause backlash, bc she’d proven to be quite vengeful and competitive since the break up.
so last night i called her on a whim. we hadnt spoken in a month and a half. i didn’t hold a cool demeanor as i had during the other conversations. i cryed because i couldn’t help it and told her i was hurt, that she wasn’t giving me anything to work with. she didn’t want to hear it but finally did for a bit. she acknoledged some of her behavior, which was a step.
she said she only wanted to stay friends if we were to not talk about the break up, and i said that i was still hurt so that wouldn’t be possible. granted, she’d been so “nice” our other conversations, saying shed call and send emails but never ever doing so. possibly wanting to keep the option open for herself. i said i needed space to heal and she said she’d call me. “no don’t call me, ill call you in a few months” i said, and told her that i would be deleting her on facebook too. she had to go out to the club (of course) so we got off the phone.
this morning i sent her this letter. i really hope it’s the closure i need at least:
subject healing
dear XXX-
i was super upset last night, but i hope that i was clear, despite
being weepy and emotional. i didn’t expect that phonecall to go like
that, but i think it’s been coming for awhile–i’ve just had so many
other major decisions on my plate that i couldn’t deal with
confronting it before.
i hope you know that i really care about you and value what we had
very much. this break up has been very hard on me, unexpected, and was
brought about in the worst way at the worst time. i’m tired of
pretending it doesn’t bother me–i just can’t play that game anymore
because i do care. it was very difficult to show you how much it hurts
as i did last night, but sometimes the truth heals better than
anything else.
i have mixed feelings about the subject in general, but i have been
thinking about it on and off and decided it’s healthiest we don’t be
facebook friends for a bit of time. it just seems counterproductive to
get each other’s updates when we are trying to have space and heal.
it’s definitely not spiteful towards you at all, which is why i wanted
to talk to you about it first. i hope you understand that it’s
something i need to do for now to be healthy and mature about creating
mental and emotional space (technology just gets in the way of that, i
think).
i miss you lots. i really don’t know what other option i’m given but
heal and move on. it breaks my heart but i do hope that time will heal
and that we will be able to be in each others lives again.
take good care of yourself, selma. love, peach pit
It probably isn’t advisable but people do seem to need to do it! I’ve talked to lots of women who have done different things. Sometimes they get closure from not doing anything (which is great) – one woman I talked to got dumped by email, and her closure was to not respond. Another responded to a text breakup by sending an understandably angry email (but not psycho!).
Others have needed one last conversation to ask questions like Sachao and Jessie. Of course it doesn’t always work very well, but they got a chance to ask those last questions – the ones they were too shocked to ask in the breakup conversation.
You never do get what you need from your ex though, as many of us just want him back – the trick is to let go after that closure action. Not always the easiest thing to do!
First and foremost this was some helpful information. I honestly can relate, I am a dumpee of a 2 1/2 yrs relationship and there is children involved. Its been over a month now and I still fell pain and we tried to remain friends but everytime I saw her, it would become more unbarable. She constantly tells me I am a good man, and that she loves me and I tell her to keep those thoughts to herself, because it sends mixed messages. I must say I am really been really broken up by this. I don’t know what to do about seeing her and picking up my kids. She started dated 2 weeks after we broke up. If anyone knows of helpful information please contact me.I hate being love sick.
I was dumped after two years of dating my Ex. I’ve known him for over 15 yrs but we only started dating in 07′ . When I met up with him in 07′ he was seperated from his then wife at the time and I knew it was a bad idea for me to jump into his life after he was in a 7 year relationship with his wife. Our relationship has been a rollercoaster ride since and I’m kind of relieved it’s over…i just feel so hurt because I believed we would make it. I guess Nothing lasts forever. It’s been 3 weeks since we broke up and I tried to do the “Closure” thing the right way…it back fired. I feel so ashamed and worthless I ended up pouring my heart out to this man instead of saying good bye (my original plan)
getting zero emotion from him hurt even more. I just thought how could he just sit there and watch me fall apart…