When you find yourself alone after a break-up, the majority of your prospective problems right after will come from the fact that you are now on unknown, potentially hostile territory.
Like you've been transported to another frightening reality.
You feel alone, scared, not knowing what the future holds for you. A whole new range of emotions keep pattering on you, making you not recognize yourself.
The first few weeks are confusing and disturbing.
So, the foremost purpose of this article is to give you strength and hope to make it through this undefined, and uncharted territory at the beginning of a break-up.
I will try to show you what is waiting for you, both the good and the ugly stuff – a map through that dark territory.
So please read carefully.  Everything you will read is based on experience from so many who have made it through this, and who have come out as a better version of themselves.
It will help you to get some clarity during this confusing time, where nothing seems to make sense.
Please read on.
Contents:
A Silver Lining
The Panic
The Pain
The No Contact Rule
The Guilt
An Opportunity
The Learning
Conclusion
A Silver Lining
Yesterday, I caught myself observing my wife while she was reading a book.  She has this special, weird way that she holds the book in one hand, and rests her forehand on the other.
I suddenly started thinking about how incredibly lucky I am.
If I could have constructed a woman that would fit best with me and the person I am, it would be exactly someone like her.
In fact, she is even better than I could have constructed because she is NOT perfect.
Perfection doesn't exist, and if it did, I am convinced that we would bore ourselves to death with a perfect partner.
Instead, my wife is challenging, always testing my boundaries, spicing up my life with her colorful, emotional facets.
At that moment I thought – what would have happened if somebody were to give me this exact picture of her, and her description, back during the very beginning of MY break-up?
How would I have felt if I KNEW that one day in the future, I would have HER by my side, loving me, accepting me as I am, and standing beside me no matter what?
Would my pain have gone away instantly? Would I have been relieved? Would I somehow have changed my way?
The answer is most probably NOT… because break-up recovery is not about sudden epiphanies that have the power to change everything.
We must understand that there isn't a set of words, a magic pill, or a glance into the future that can heal us over-night.
It is about a process. A journey during which we change ourselves for the better.
The Panic
Right after the split, you feel numbness, as if something strange has happened, and you are not really sure what.
Unfortunately, this doesn't last long.  Soon you will enter a new phase, and experience sheer, archaic “I-can't-make-it-alone”, existential panic.
The kind of panic the stone age man experienced when he found himself abandoned and alone, surrounded by wild animals.
It's an irrational, deep-wired fight-or-flight fear, that makes us do all the stupid things we do… like pleading, calling or harassing our exes.
MORE: Have YOU Made These Mistakes After Your Relationship Break Up?
What you must do, is simply accept this, and understand that this panic is NOT you – it's just an automatic reaction to an existential threat.
After that comes the pain.
The Pain
And for the time being, the pain IS there. You MUST accept this.
The pain is there simply because the relationship mattered to you. You felt an honest, passionate, authentic, deep-down LOVE for your partner.
And that is a GREAT thing. That's a beautiful thing.
That means that you CAN feel honest love, that you are capable of believing in someone, cherishing the people that you care most about.
And that is the foundation of every fulfilling, long-term relationship.
Whoever becomes your partner in the, (maybe not so distant), future WILL know how to appreciate that… they will be lucky to have found YOU!
My wife isn't like my ex at ALL. And back during my breakup, I really thought that it would be absolutely impossible ever to find someone again who was THAT compatible to me like I thought my Ex was.
Man, was I wrong.
I didn't even know what was possible. It's like I had read two pages of the big book of relationships, and thought I knew what I wanted and needed.
So far from the truth.
The No Contact Rule
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes well you just might find
You get what you need
– Rolling Stones
I know that you feel the urge to contact your ex, to talk to them, to ask them what the hell happened, to just see them one more time.
It's a normal, human reaction.
But, hold on here – trust me when I say this because I've been doing this since 2005 – the truth is, you WON'T find relief in talking to them.  You WON'T find the answers. You WON'T find closure.
All you will find is pain and frustration.
I understand that you are hoping to get them back. I understand that you want to stay friends with them so they don't disappear completely out of your life.
I know all of that.
But you must trust me now, and believe in my expert knowledge, that this is a HUGE mistake. You have to start the 60 days of No-Contact, (join my free newsletter, and I walk you through it step-by-step).
If you think that you can't do that, or you just don't want to, then you do what you have to do … and see where it gets you.
I don't mean that in a bad way… some of us simply need to go through this experience before committing ourselves to the No Contact Rule.
Following this rule is THE essential factor IF you want to get OVER your Ex the fastest, and “cleanest,” way possible.
And IF there is the slightest, infinitesimal chance of getting back together again, you will make the best out of it if you manage to re-gain your true-self, and think with your head, instead of your bleeding heart.
That's the first active step you must take on your own.
I can't make you.
I can show you the way, but you have to stand up and go.
Believe me; I know how you feel. I know your pain. I've gone through every single phase of it, back and forth. I know how hard it is to do ANYTHING.
But IF you want to get better, you must be ACTIVE. Passiveness will kill you.
Stand up and fight for your life and happiness!
The Guilt
You've made mistakes? So what? Welcome to the club! Are you human, or are you a computer?
I've made lots of mistakes. But with every mistake I've made, I have also made a step forward in my personal development.
Have I blamed myself for the break-up?
You bet I have. The mere thought that I had been the one who messed it up was absolutely unbearable.
But you know what? Ultimately it didn't matter.
Because with time, I've made two major realizations:
1. I couldn't possibly be responsible for the breakup all alone
There are always two people in a relationship who contribute to its well-being, or not. Everyone has needs, and the partner did not meet some of them – this is nobody's fault.
2. The person I WAS made mistakes
The breakup changed me. I am another person now. I couldn't have reacted differently because that's who I was back then. I learned from these mistakes, and I will never do them again.
Let me tell you one thing, and please read carefully:
There is nothing wrong with you!
Let that sink in.
There is nothing wrong with you!
Stop playing out all those “what-ifs”, and “if-onlys” in your head.  They are sucking the energy out of you … energy you need right know.
It's a game you can't win.
An Opportunity
You should be open to the notion – even if your pain clouds your judgment right now – that this is an incredible opportunity.
I really mean that.
You have been presented an opportunity to identify, and investigate, what needs changing in your life, and the chance to CHANGE it.
The reason why you have such difficulties with this breakup, is that there is an issue to resolve. An issue that is most probably standing in your way throughout your whole life, whether you realize it or not.
NOW is the best time to put your finger on this issue, and actively work on it.
The reason why people go through this relationship-breakup cycle again and again, is because they rebound quickly, (or even worse – overlap), and don't take the time to work on themselves.
MORE: The Relationship-Breakup Cycle
A breakup works quite like a reset in a way, where you CAN choose who you want to become after that. You can re-build yourself from the ground up.
You can be incredibly selfish, do what you want to do, when you want to do it. You can choose to appreciate and enjoy this given freedom.
You can acknowledge that YOU are unique.
No other person in this world has your particular combination of abilities, talents, appearance, personality, beliefs, aspirations and creativity.
So treat yourself good, treat yourself with respect. Don't engage in activities that dishonor that like trying to numb the pain with alcohol, drugs, or casual sex just to “get over them.”
Because it doesn't help.
It helps temporarily, but it will backfire terribly. And you will hate yourself for it …
You ARE unique.
You will learn to love yourself for that.
The Learning
At first, you will have no clue about what happened. Absolutely no idea why they suddenly decided, for you both, that this relationship didn't have a snowball's chance in hell.
To you, it's like an alien took them over, and made them do things they would never, ever do.
You will rack your brain trying to figure it out.
I know that you think it is of vital importance that you learn the reasons for your breakup. You think this knowledge has the power to turn things around.
But it won't.
I know from experience, that at the very beginning it is quite impossible to fully grasp the dimensions of all the reasons that ultimately led to the split.
You are simply blocked through the pain and don't have the needed emotional detachment yet. You are seeing the relationship through rose-colored glasses that don't permit any critical reasoning.
You've put your Ex on a pedestal.
There are two major insights that a break-up recovery process can give you, (if you let it):
1. Deep level knowledge about yourself – who you are and what makes you tick
2. Realizations about your relationship – how it really was and why it failed
You will learn what went wrong, you will find out how good or bad your relationship really was, you will learn what you can do better in your next relationship, and most of all, you will learn what you want and need in a relationship.
And when you do, you will suddenly understand what I mean by saying that this break-up is an opportunity.
Conclusion
A very old friend of mine, who was homeless for a few years, said to me the following:
“Since I had this terrible experience, and survived, I knew that whatever life throws at me I can handle. I became fearless.”
And this is what I want for you.
After this experience – this break-up or divorce – after you have fought and survived, after you have cried and bled, after this excruciating time, there will be nothing left to fear.
Because you've made it.
You won't be clingy anymore, you won't be attached and attracted to a partner who is so wrong for you. You won't ever live a life in silent despair because of an unhappy relationship.
Because you've made it.
And you will go out there again and don't rest or stop until you've found the ONE who is waiting for you.
And it will be right …
I look at my wife and think how glad I am that my ex left me back then. I look at the kids who wouldn't exist, think of the hundreds of clients that I've helped…
All made possible by this one night in September so long ago, when she said she didn't love me anymore … and my world crumbled.
And look at it now!
Your friend,
Eddie Corbano
Hi eddy,
I need your advice, please help!
I am 21 and have been in a relation for a year. We were new to each other and hardly took time to get into this relationship. We fell into unnecessary fights during this time since we were unaware of each others expectations and behavior. We couldn’t find time due to our family but we were at our best when we were with each other. We have had some of the happiest time with each other. Our fight was always on a point that we dont spend time with each other , either of us is busy with acads or extra curricular. After a year, she wants to break up because she feels she had enough of fights and can not take it anymore. I tried explaining her that its just a matter of year before we graduate and then we can have lots of time. Even after a lot of tries, she is not ready to accept this relation anymore ( adding a few personal problems to counter me) and denies to accept us.
I was in panic when i realized i was actually losing her and maybe i freaked her out when trying to convince her. I later realized my mistake and the suffocation she must have felt when i was trying to convince non-stop. So decided to break up and give her the time and space she needs. While talking during the convincing period she said she doesnt love me anymore and feels nothing for me. (I have been through with that difficult period of living without her and it seems impossible to me ) Later while talking to common friend i realized that she loves me and that what she said was all her anger and frustration.
Days after breakup i talked to her and we agreed on being friends. She doesnt seems to be whole heartedly into this friendship though, it is just because she sees me unhappy when i am alone(this is what i feel).
We have vacations coming in few days, and i dont know how to be and what to be for the coming days. I know she loves me (she accepted it before that friend i mentioned) and i love her too, but she never said shows it. And with what has happened during breakup , i am unable to let her alone with those thoughts between us when they actually meant nothing and were merely out of frustration.
I love her and want her back. How do i be with her for coming days.
I have realized my mistakes and my love for her. And very well understand her now. What do i do? Please help !!!
I met my current husband almost 5 years ago We were both 67yrs old. We dated 1 1/2yrs, then moved together for another 1 1/2yrs before deciding to get married. We overcame many obstacles, He had been divorced 2 other times, but the marriages were 14-16 yrs each so I thought at least they ran their course and there was probably a good reason. My attraction to him was not his looks nor lust, but that he appeared to be so honest and god loving. His prior work required traveling all over the world, and he claimed even though he was away from wife and family, he never entertained the thought of getting involved with other ladies, he was too busy with his job, etc. and I believed him and thought it was really great. One day his Nook was beeping and I looked to see what was making the noise and found he was corresponding through emails with a girl that lives in the UK, we are in the US. He had been doing so for 4 months. I was so upset and read through many of them throughout a couple of weeks before confronting him. They were decent exchanges, did not talk to sex or anything, but he was sharing his life with her back and forth 2-3 times each day. He also called her on the phone weekly. I could tell he was emotionally involved and they have a great chemistry. He shared music he liked and poems etc. I was so jealous and hurt to think that he cheated on me and now we are in the process of splitting up. I have asked him to leave a few time in the past 6 months, and I think this time I will be able to handle it, although I am so sad and feel so rejected. I need support to stay strong and stop my contact with him as soon as he leaves. Please help me if possible.
Hey Eddie,
I’m in a strange spot with my ex/gf. She was in a very long-term relationship, and came out of one. We dated for 10 months, and in time, she broke up with me quite a bit, I was very cool with it. She mentioned she wanted to be with others, however never acted on it. She mentioned she wanted me to back off, and I have. She said that’s the only thing that I needed to do to make it work. Having said that, I believe she’s now talking to other men. What makes me believe it is we haven’t been intimate in a long time.. She’s a very physical person. We are still talking, but we’re slowly moving towards friends. I would like to maintain a monogamous physical relationship with her, but I feel like its slipping away.
I put this girl on a pedestal for sure, I lost confidence while I was in the relationship, because I fell hard, which, she tells me, pushed her away.
I’ve gone through a lot of the break-up emotions, and done the dumb stuff, like call/text bomb/etc.. She’s been very understanding of it. I’m past it.
What I have a lot of difficulty with is the thought of her being with someone else, and the fact that I’m losing her. My question is if I should confront her with the fact that we aren’t intimate? I would really like to be in a relationship with her. We are still talking and she’s given me 2 weeks to get my act together, as in, learn to relax while I’m in the relationship.
I’m in a mental bind at the moment. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Hello Eddie,
My boyfriend broke up with me 11 days ago. We’ve only been together for 5 months but i am madly and deeply in love with him. I want him back so bad. I have not started the no contact yet and i need help. I am driving myself crazy. Last night i actually went to his home to try to talk but he came up with an excuse that he was just leaving. He tells me he will call so we can talk and he never calls. I want to stop hurting and i want to be happy again. I am unable to find the strength to not contact him. I feel if i let him go I’m showing him that i don’t care anymore and i want him to know that im devoted to our relationship. But no matter how hard i try he keeps pushing me away. I am now at the point where I’m just fooling myself. How do i let go?
Thanks
Bea
Hi..I am a 21 yrs old male and my ex girlfriend recently broke up with me.We broke up a week ago becuase she said I was drinking a lot and I forgot to give her attention..The thing is she broke up with me after she left with a so called “friend” to another city for her driving license exam.She didn;t even call me and ask me to join them and after she arrived home she broke up with me.She said that I pushed her away with my behaviour and drinking..This is true I was drinking alot and all of that. We’ve been togheter for almost 2 years and the thing is I never tought that she would end it this way. She told me that she will never cheat on me ever…but right now i am feeling hurt because she hangs out with this guy that we know him for only 2 months…The thing is 4 days ago she agreed to meet with me and she told me that we should try to get back togheter.We seen eachother a few times but when she leaves after we met she dosen’t answer her phone or anything and she keeps avoiding me like she is hiding something..I know that she is still talking to that guy I think that she keeps me like a safety net in case she dosen;t want to be with that guy…I don’t know what to do her family is also mad at her because of this thing…She keeps hiding from me and my question is: Why did she agreed to try to get back togheter if she is seeing that other guy while she’s seeing me…She is acting very cold an defensive and I don;t know what to do in this point..If you can help me in some way just tell me..any advice is good for me right now..Thanks 🙂
Thank you SO much. I will revisit this time & time again when things get tough….
Hi Eddie, it has been 3 weeks since we last talked/contacted. I feel so torn apart because I obviously still want us to work out in the future, yet it’s true that I won’t know what will happen in the future. There’s indeed many other possibilities, both good and bad ones. Right now, we still love each other, yet we can’t be together. It’s not entirely impossible in the future as long as he proves to my mom again. But I’m so afraid of the future. I have already decided to not think about it and put it aside first (not saying that I’m gonna get over him and move on, but I’m also not saying that I’m gonna wait). I’ve kinda decided to let nature take its course and keep the feeling I have for him in a corner of my heart and see how things goes. but i can’t stop thinking about him everyday, reminisce back the times we had and the things we went through together. Even though a year isn’t a very long time, but I really do love him a lot. Ultimately, the decision to come back for me is still his, and I find myself hanging on to the hope that he’ll come back for me, even though he told me to move on because he can’t guarantee what will happen in the future and he dont wanna make empty promises or give me false hope. He said he’s not giving up, but he wants me to move on. I understand his perspective and his reason for doing this. but it’s hard for me. I’m so helpless
Hi, it’s really nice to read about other people with broken hearts. And unfortunately this is my second broken heart in two years. What am I doing wrong?
My first happened about, 23 months ago my husband of 24 years decided to leave me, and to top it off he started up with a 27 year old two months later ( he was 49), but I look back now and even though he literally destroyed my world he did me a favor because he is an alcoholic, and the stress of his drinking was causing a lot of tension in our marriage and making our home life toxic. But none the less it was a scary time, I was a total mess and it took months before I admitted to myself I was better off. During that low time I lost 40 pounds, started working out 3-4 days a week, and reconnected with myself. I went to a lot of therapy and realized it wasn’t me it was him, and his selfish addiction that ruined our life. Mind you my husband and I still aren’t divorced due to financial reasons, but we are very separated, so much better off apart.
After about ten months my friend introduced me to a man who didn’t mind that I was separated and we started an amazing relationship, he was just 50 ( I was 45) we had a lot in common and he didn’t like hanging at bars like my ex, we enjoyed the same music, he liked to cook, he actually liked to talk to me and listened and asked my opinion, and the sex was amazing. We enjoyed exercising, going on motorcycle rides and he introduced me to his family. But one thing always made me uncomfortable and that was that he had never been married, and never really explained why, and I never asked, because we all had a past. But because he had been single, he was very set in his ways, a little controlling, and a bit anal, but I just accepted him for who he was because no one is perfect. Everything was going great, and we were falling for each other, until unfortunately his best friend past away, and he just changed over night. He became really moody, and started drinking a bit more than his usual one glass of scotch every night. Then two months after his friends death (about our 1 year anniversary) we finally had a relaxing amazing weekend, and we finally said ” I love you”, four days later he broke up with me, telling me, now that he was 51 his journey was to start a family, and I couldn’t give him what he wanted. He said That I had to just except this, and that there was to be no more discussion. He hasn’t spoken to me since 4 1/2 weeks ago, and I am more devastated than when my husband left. I have been following the no contract rule and have not reached out to him at all. I will not beg a man to take me back, but It’s been really hard because I don’t know if he broke it off because he freaked because we said I love you, or if he really wants a family at 51. I am so confused and lost!!!!! I feel like I can’t get closure because this came totally out of the blue. I pray that after 60 days this helpless feeling will be better, because it took me a lot of courage to open up and say I love you, and he just rejected me.
Hi Eddie,
While travelling I met this backpacker from spain two weeks back. We hit it off really well. we had spent two weeks together and then he left to go back to spain. While we were together he said a lot of things like how much he likes me and misses me and that he is going to come back. Once he reached his country our communication is minimum and i can surely see he didn’t mean anything he said. My problem is I still miss him. I still think about him all the time. i just don’t understand why did he lie, at least he should have been honest when he was leaving. Please guide how to get over him and accept that he lied and didn’t mean anything he said to me .
I’ve read your article.. It has made me smile bc I ultimately beleive in love still.. I left the father of my child bc I was not happy. I told him numerous times I wasn’t happy, things I wanted change.. Noting really changed and I became bitter and always complaining.. I don’t know many people that love to complain. I sure didn’t. It’s just became really hard bc he doesn’t want to hear me out as far as how we would communicate for the sake of our child. I think the rule of NO CONTACT is great but we have a child together. How can one move on this way? How can I still keep a healthy relationship with him without wanting to know what he is doing or who he is doing while with my son? I want to delete the social media to not know what he is posting. But I still want to see pics of my little one.
i found myself crying. i know at this point in time this will gonna be a total heartbreak.. she’s gonna find someone better and i just don’t know what to do. its hard for me to convince myself that my decisions in the past was the right thing. i hate being the guy that never hold onto something that is worthy. we made mistakes but i can’t blame her for that. i met this girl in school dates back 2005 she was my classmate for four years. she’s my girlfriend for almost 8 years. we broke up couple of moths ago. we didn’t even had a photograph or went to church together for almost 8 long years. know why? she did’t want people to know about us, just our family and some friends knew about it. they have this religion that prohibits them to date a guy from other religion. when we both graduated in high-school we went separate school. i finished my baccalaureate degree in a catholic school, she finished hers in New Era University. we never argued about being separated with each other but rather about me that she wants to shift into her religion..i don’t know why? i chose not to choose and wanted to pause everything and just stay in that moment of being in love because i know we’re both on the edge and i know our relationship would end at that time. i know i wasn’t good enough. i just hope she finds the right man for her, i mean the luckiest one. she’s untouched, i never took advantage of her, i respect her way to much.
Jon – you’re a good dude BUT you need to kick her off the pedestal! I used to say that too … “I hope she finds the right man for her … I respect her way too much.” I’m not saying she wasn’t a good person, but it was her choice to hide your relationship. She made her choice. To be blunt, it’s time to forget about her AND move on. Because if you choose to make her the “standard,” you’ll never leave her shadow. This is about you now … and your chance to heal your heart. Trust me, I’m going through the same issues.
Hi, my boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and have been through many ups and downs together. We both love each other deeply, and there hasn’t been much of an issue between us apart from me over-thinking and feeling insecure (my greatest flaw is my insecurity and sensitivity, being too paranoid) But he has done his part to assure me all the time and has never given up on me or us no matter how tough things get. And we always manage to talk things out in the end to make our relationship better, by telling each other about our feelings, how we feel about each other and such. We will always find ways to work out in the end.
Here is a background of our R/S:
We have been dating secretly behind my mom’s back because my mom is extremely strict and protective over me. I’m 18 this year btw. I understand that she wants the best for me, and she doesn’t want me to get hurt because she always think that i’m very fragile and weak. What she did not knew was that I was able to handle and balance my relationship, studies and family well.
Being in a relationship definitely did not affect my studies, neither id I neglected my friends or family. Despite having tiffs with my boyfriend sometimes, i was still able to handle things well and we’ll always work things out together because we believe that we are a team.
Initially, I was partially honest with my mom because I told her that me and my boyf both have feelings for each other, and we’ve agreed to wait. My mom was fine with that as long as we draw a line and not enter a relationship yet. We have to wait till he enters army then my mom will consider about us entering a r/s.
But what she did not know was that we actually kinda started dating already… there wasn’t really an official date because our r/s just progressed naturally like that. I know we’re both at fault for not being able to wait or draw a line.
We hid our r/s from her, so all along my mom just thought we’re just good friends who likes each other. Another reason why my mom doesn’t approve us being tgt yet is because she kinda looked down on him because of his poor English. His chinese was good though. But it didnt mattered to my mom. She felt that he is not good enough for me, she thinks that my expectations are too low. She felt that he is not yet capable and it’s also because we’re both still schooling and he hasn’t entered army/national service yet.
And here’s the main point:
My mom found out about us yesterday night, and she was extremely furious and disappointed with me. I guess she lost her trust in me and I know I deserve it. She scolded my bf and warned him to never ever contact me anymore. She asked him to stay away from me otherwise she will chase me out of the house. She told me that if he really loves and care about me, he will do what she says because he wouldn’t want me to be homeless. And she said that if he doesn’t do what she says and continue contact me, it means that he only cares for himself.
She kinda blacklisted him, which means that it is very hard for her to ever accept him again…
I couldn’t do it. I had to talk to him about it, so I went to look for him in the morning and he told me to get over him. He told me that he wants me to listen to my mom and not lie to her because he doesn’t want us to get caught again, he doesn’t want to cause me to be homeless. I know he is hurting as bad as I am.
I know I shouldn’t keep trying to find him or contact him but I just couldn’t stop myself from thinking about him. I’ve read your post about breaking up, and yes all these are exactly what I am feeling.
The difference is that I now that the reason why we broke up was my mom. And it hurts to know that we both still love each other deeply, yet we have to be separated.
I just want to know if there is a chance for us to get back together in the future, when he has entered army, when he is more capable, probably a few years later? Is it possible for couples to get back together if the reason for their break up is not due to internal factors like trust issue or miscommunication or feelings faded and such? I feel that the reason why we broke up today was due to external factor – my mom’s disapproval.
It is really hard for the both of us now… I guess my mom is using the No contact method, and it scares me as well… what should I do.. I really love him a lot, and the both of us really want this relationship to work out. But we don’t have a choice either… We’re both 18…
Hi eddie,
I have been seeing a guy for 5 months from work. I am 5 years younger to him. Now his father is really old and sick so wants him to get married soon. But since i am too young i could not take this forward. We broke up. Now he is going to get married soon(arranged one, thats how it goes in india). This girl he is marrying works in the same oraganization. At onw side i am trying to tackle this heart break, on the other side i will have go through the extreme agony of seeing them marrying and being together everyday. I feel like running away. This is very difficult. And worst part is i have to see hom everyday. Almost negating no contact rule. I am not even able to fund bad stuff about our relationship. Please help me. Please tell me how do i face this. Thank you. Love akinchan
Hi Eddie,
I’m in a little tough spot. I know you say not to think with your bleeding heart, but my ex broke up with me three weeks ago. She said she needs time to grow and was scared that I might be the one for her, and she wasn’t ready to move forward. The kicker is she has her first half marathon coming up on Sunday, a race that I pushed her through to train and helped motivate her when she got brought down to tears thinking she couldn’t do it. We were best friends, and she cried when she broke up with me, saying that she still wants me to come. What do I do. Text her good luck and not go? Go? I still want and keep hope that there’s a chance, but I understand the no contact rule.
I’ve been really troubled by this.
My girlfriend broke up with me two weeks ago. A guy she hung out with a lot while I was gone (we did long distance) found out and confessed to her. Now she’s together with him…and it’s barely been two weeks since our breakup. How do I deal with the fact that she doesn’t seem to be suffering at all? That this breakup wasn’t hard for her.
Joe…
I know how you feel. My ex always had this girl he was friends with, and he hid his phone because he thought I would become jealous of their friendship. I wasn’t jealous, but what I didn’t like is that he hid something from me. It looked shady as F$#%. So we broke up because of his privacy needs.. and now someone has told me that they hangout a lot and he is close with her and her best friend as well after we broke up.
It’s been months and I’m still trying my best to recover. I feel betrayed and find myself depressed even more than when we initially broke up. I thought my pain would go away, but if anything it has gotten worse knowing that he is now closer with these girls more than ever before, or just publicizes it more now that we broke up because it is “safe” to do so.
Hang in there.. your not alone. I’m sure she is suffering but just hides it well. If you were good to her like I was to him, they will know what they lost. I’m sure deep down inside they know they had something good. I’m not perfect but I can say I was a perfect girlfriend to him because my love for him was the strongest thing I have ever felt.
I’m praying for the day I can be happy again, but right now this has caused me to feel worthless, which I know I am not.
Just remember this is good in every situation. If you believe in God or a greater power, “Let go, Let God.”
I just want to thank you for this article. I am 2 and half months post breakup and on day 40 of strict NC. I still struggle, but it has been getting better (slowly, but surely). I keep this article bookmarked for the times when I feel as though I am starting to regress. For me personally, it has been a 2 steps forward-1 step back recovery process. It is really helpful to know that I am not alone! Thanks again!
I’m so grateful to have come across this article. My ex dumped me 3 weeks ago, right before we were supposed to move in together. It was out of nowhere, and I was completely blindsided. The pain was unbearable….I had thought I was going to be with him forever.
I’ve reread this article a few times. I tend to read it whenever the pain comes back. This article is so accurate, and it helps to know I’m not alone in this. This article gives me hope, and it allows me to tell myself that I will be happy again someday, and come out of this a stronger person. Eddie, if you read this, I want to thank you so much for writing this. I can’t tell you how much it helps.
I’m glad to hear that Victoria, thank you and hang in there!
The pain is real, it sucks but it does get better. It’s almost eight months since he left the relationship. We are from different countries but worked together overseas for 2 years during which time we dated. We had our disagreements but we knew how to talk through them. He left the relationship as soon as he returned home after the program closed. He said our age difference (he is 19 years older than I am) bothered his family; he felt he should give me a shot at being happy with someone closer to my age. I loved him, I was heart broken and confused. I begged when he ended things. I tried to talk him into staying in the relationship.
He went quiet for about two weeks after ending things and I knew it was time for me to move on. Three weeks into NC he started texting me asking for forgiveness. Said he realized he had made a mistake and would spend the rest of his life making it up to me. I did not take him back and did not respond to his texts. He broke up with me via text and wanted to get back with me via text???? I deserved better …. it was not for me much as I loved him.
I still struggle with the emotions but it gets better. Like Eddy said, spend time knowing and finding you.
Thanks for this very comforting article Eddy. God bless you.
I was the one who left. Its been almost 4 years now, I’ve done the no contact, promised myself I had to get over the pain before deciding if I should return and here I am still remembering all the good times, the closeness, the love. He couldn’t/wouldn’t commit after almost 5 years. I had some doubts otherwise too, he couldn’t commit to most things (ie. Taking a weekend off to go hiking, travelling, work). I was in my mid 30s wanted a family and a stable relationship. So I left. I was absolutely devastate easily for over a year. I have dated since but can’t find any other relationship that matches the connection we had. He’s interested in getting back together but I feel that all of my initial concerns are still there. I’ve spent time with him, he says he’s changed, wants the commitment but every time I’m with him I just get so angry. I still see him as immature and feel that if we got back together I’d just want to change him. So I refrain. Tell him I’m not interested. Work hard at trying to find someone else and here I am almost 4 yrs later still pining over something that I walked from ages ago. Do I go back if I feel so worried that I am just walking back into what was so hard to leave in the first place – is this just a case where you said “kill the love or it will kill you”. I have made some bad decisions trying to make the pain of heartbreak go away – I just want this pain to stop. I tried once to date him again, but it was too hard. I was still just so hurt. I ended it again.
Cold turkey – walk away? Or if you found love once do you just do everything you can to keep it?
I am ready to finally do the work to move out of this spot. Its been horrific and I don’t ever want to go down this road of heartbreak again.
Thanks for any comments.
Matilda, read my posts. I have 2 on this article. You will realize you are not the only one in that situation.
I still love the SHIT out of my ex. It’s been about a month and a half.. I’m dying inside. I broke up with him, we made up for 1 night, and then he broke up with me for a rediculous reason that really makes no sense. Pretty much he broke up with me because I shaved for him the night we made up and he said I “took advantage of single life” because I didn’t come over unshaven. Rediculous. I was miserable when we were broken up, the thought of talking to another male made me sick. For him to accuse me of that makes me furious.
Just read my posts, you are not alone. I’m confused too. I just wish I could talk to him again but he blocked my email and I don’t want to call or text him to find out he blocked that too, it would just give me more pain.
xo tina
So funny Christina, my ex blocked me on our dating site where we met. And what hurts is my ego and the fact that I’ve been downgraded to not even “friend” even after he texted me in the dump text and said he’s open to being friends at this time. My friends don’t treat me like that nor do I them. I too am curious to know if he has blocked my number on his phone as well as my email, but I’m not going to try, I even deleted him so I don’t accidentally call him, because if he did block me there as well I’ll feel like I got kicked in the teeth 3 times. Once in the original dump text, next when he blocked me on site and I’m not going for that third time.
Funny how guys have totally different feelings. I think they’re like dogs…when you come home after weeks or months, dogs don’t have any perception of time. So the 9 months we spent together meant nothing. He’s acting like we never met. But my friends and sister say it was Devine intervention that that happened, because I would never have done it myself and this fantasy relationship would have dragged out much much longer.
His birthday came (February 23rd) and I know I got sweet revenge that day because I’ll bet everything that is dear to me that he just KNEW I would try to contact him that day. I’m sure every text he got he was confident that one was from me. So by 12 midnight is when he got the message that I’m moving on. He didn’t contact me for mine March 14th but I already knew that was going to happen, no surprise.
I used to say also I wish he would stumble onto this post to see that I never cheated on him, but now through therapy I’m kicking him off of his pedestal that I put him on and I have taken his place. He knows he f’d up. After a few days I’m sure he wanted to turn things around but he is WAYYYY too proud to have done that, are you kidding me, admit that he was wrong!!!?? NEVER!! He thinks he was the best thing that I ever had. True he was a good sex partner and he was the first one out of the gate after my divorce of 32 years of getting no affection, so anyone that showed me some/any affection and who listened to me I was into. Like I said before, I chose to ignore all of the red flags that came up during those 9 months because I liked the attention. Well I’m working on my self worth and self respect and I’m fixing me…I have no control over him.
I’m learning to give up control (which is going to be hard) and worry more about me. AND LADIES!!!!!!!! I recently met a very nice man, my age not ten years younger and I promise I am going to take this slow, I will not set high expectations and go day by day and not wear my heart on my sleeve but still not compromise who I am as a person. That’s the best revenge, living well and happy. …..And he calls me……doesn’t text. ;-))
Goodnight
This is a great article. It’s helped me realize I need to work on my self love more.
I just broke up with my boyfriend of two years. We lived together for a year and a half. Our love escalated extremely fast, and we were head over heals in love with each other. Everyone loved us together, but no one loved us together more than we did.
He was my best friend, my “soul mate”, love, and to top it off every time I looked at him I would melt over physical attraction. And he showed me the same feelings in return. But the only thing putting a damper on our relationship was his need of privacy with his cell phone. This made me insecure and made me think “If there’s nothing to hide, why hide it?”. We got in a bad fight over this issue months ago, and he promised to be open and careless about where he puts his phone at night.
Come to find out, after he has been leaving it around the house & more careless about it, he changed the settings on the iPhone so if he received a text, it wouldn’t light up or notify him unless he went through the password (that I didn’t know). So he tried to save us from fighting over his privacy issues with his phone by being sneaky and making it look like nobody would ever text him. I told him I wanted openness with each other, but appparently I wasnt important enough to him to do so, regardless of our deep passionate love for each other.
I kept finding long blonde hairs in our blankets (I’m brunette). I’m also a hair stylist, but it got to the point that before I left work I would purposely check myself to see if it was indeed me bringing it home. And after a month of going crazy searching for blonde hairs, they continued to show up around our apartment.
There were many other “what ifs” and things that questioned me. The main thing was the phone issue. Bottom line, I suspected him cheating on me. I didn’t have cold hard evidence, but any person I have told my story to agrees with me that he was up to something that he didn’t want me to find out about.
I am SO deeply in love with him. I moved out two weeks ago, and we stopped contacting each other last night (we kept going in circles arguing via email about us being soul mates etc so in love and that he wasn’t hiding anything in his phone)
To top it off, my grandmother passed away a few weeks ago before all this. I tore my meniscus and cannot workout or weight lift (my hobby and biggest stress relief of all time) I’m waiting to get surgery, and the gym is a huge part of my life.
My life is just stumbling in front of my eyes and I’m in the biggest pit right now. I feel hopeless. This breakup happened at the worst time possible but I couldn’t stand to be worried anymore over something I knew was going on behind my back.
The only good thing going on is my career that has risen the past month. I’m trying to use that as my positive influence.
I’m just so depressed. Never have I felt so lonely. My other half is gone. I feel like someone died. I don’t want to question my choice of leaving because I’m just depressed over other things going on in my life right now. I’m already weak, and this was my choice. I feel like I gave myself this pain. But it’s also for the better?
Why hide something if there’s nothing to hide? A relationship should be open and carefree about who texts you and phone issues.
I hate my life right now. And every time I look in the mirror I hate myself. My confidence is at the ultimate low, and it’s something I’ve battled with most of my life.
I just hope it gets better. I know it will but right now I feel like I just wanna give up on everything.
Wow Christina,
I read your post and it is very similar to my situation and the SAME timeframe. Long story short, I was with him 9 months. A guy called on my phone, that was always left out I had nothing to hide about 6 months ago. I did not answer it out of respect. His picture showed up on phone as all my callers do, mom, dad, sis etc. he saw picture, never said anything about it. ( It was just a friend anyway, but GORGEOUS) anyway, all of a sudden my “boyfriend” seemed to step up his game, since he was slipping. One of the discussions I always had with him was why was he still on the dating site that we met on if he was with me? He never had good answer. (He would say, he was doing it for insurance selling purposes) well when he met me from the site, HE DEFINITELY WASN’T THINKING INSURANCE. So moving on….he would text good morning and that was it for the day, or how r u and that was it but everyday something. (Texting more, calling more, planning to see me a week in advance not a few days before, even though I thought once a week was still not enough) He never had good answer. (Except that they may be insurance prospects, since he was in insurance)…yeah, ok. Lol
He’d text “good morning” “hey sexy” then he would call every other day. We never spent any holiday together, then when I did see him after xmas I had a gift for him he had none for me. (Very non committal) He invited me to a relatives house New Year’s Day (that’s when I brought the xmas present to his house) coincidentally that happened to be the day while, let’s just say…being intimate he told me he loved me, (I’m guessing he felt bad about no present and that would string me along a bit longer and enough to suffice…and then says under his breath “I hope I’m not too late” (since that phone call, he never trusted me) one time questioning me when I went over and said I was on my cycle and didn’t want to engage in sex, he asked me was I sure and could it be “something else” he even stated to me later that while emptying the garbage (which he NEVER does when I’m there) he found no evidence of any feminine product. REALLY????
Anyway, hard to make this long story short….so every time I would say I missed you or I love you, he would say, r u sure?(oh and I must mention that in between that I found an earring on his nightstand which he claimed he knew nothing about, he says maybe it was his fathers girlfriends who both lived downstairs (when she was doing the laundry) Then my dad had a stroke, I went to be with him for 10 days. He would text daily, call every other day and ask about my dad. A couple of days before I was to come home and my daughter was to get me from the airport he said if (my daughter) can’t get you from the airport let me know and I will. I said ok but she was able and I told him that in a text. I didn’t hear back from him because I’m sure he thought some guy was getting me. I had to retext him at 11pm (6 hrs later) find out if he got my first text. He said he did and have a good flight and he’ll see me when I get home.
Then on Feb 9th 2014 he was due to come over my house for dinner. He texted me that morning at 10am “good morning.” At 1pm and asked was 5:30 a good time for him…I didn’t hear back from him. So I left it alone and he showed up at 5:30. He seemed kind of distant and a bit annoyed, I don’t know with me or what. But seemed had an agenda when he came in. Now I know this may sound strange to someone else but, every time we went out ( which wasn’t much) or he came to my house the first thing he would do ALWAYS was wash his hands. WITH MO FAIL..This day he didn’t “agenda”….So anyway, we ate, watched a movie, I went upstairs….left my phone downstairs ( since I have nothing to hide, only been with him) low and behold!!!! My friend apparently called,,,picture and all. When I came back he you me I had a call. ( now keep in mind he had to do a skip to my Lou AND a mother may I to get across the room to see it. Lol , I said ok, looked at the phone, said it wasn’t important, and put it down. 45 minutes later my girlfriend called and I answered and said “can I call you back later?” Well I guess he thought it was the same person since the timing was bad. But HE NEVER SAID WE WERE EXCLUSIVE. would only say he’s not in a relationship with anyone else but me. All of a sudden he was tired and had to go. I stupidly begged him to tell me why, what happened etc. he kept saying,” (my name ) I think it’s best I go, over and over, no talking about it at all, which he said we would always talk things out. So he left…didn’t hear from him feb 10,11,12,13 (I called, he did not answer) 14th Valentines a Day came, I got flowers from him. I texted him thank you, they r beautiful, and I love you. He texted back,”I ordered them last month, they were supposed to arrive yesterday (13th )another word, these aren’t make-up flowers), I’m glad you like them, enjoy. I saw the receipt, and sure enough, ordered jan 30th (just so happened to be same day he offered me a ride home from airport) OUCH!! but I don’t know why they were to come day before a Valentines a Day. My friend said, first of all they weren’t roses, so that I wouldn’t think the “relationship” was more than it was and the 13th because this way I wouldn’t be asking about plans on a Valentines Day. (Another words, another woman) then my aunt died….and my dad was not doing better….so the next day, 15th I texted him,,,just wanted to know, r we together, not together, gonna talk, not going to,,,,let me know so I know what’s going on… So he sent me a text said,,,” I am open to being friends at this time, I know about xxxx and xxxx and others. I’m not willing to be a part of that. I wish you all the best and travel safe. ( I was at my sons hse in TN ) I was pissed, HE has the nerve to dump ME !!! I should have left it alone but noooooo. I texted him back (which I regret now ) and went on to say how wrong he was about the phone call and “others ” ( I don’t know what the hell others were anyway ) And plz don’t throw away a 9 month relationship. Well I haven’t heard from him since. And I have not contacted him. So I feel I got dumped twice. Once by him texting me the next by him not responding to my plea. That was 8 days ago. His birthday was yesterday, I DID NOT contact him.
He was the first one out of the gate after my divorce a year and a half ago. So I know I’m pissed that HE had the nerve to dump me when he was the one still on the site looking for “clients” checking my every move and word, questioning if I was really out with the girls etc. but what I struggle with is the familiarity of the relationship that I will miss. His texting, calling (even though the conversations felt forced) driving to his house, cuddling watching tv and THE LOVE MAKING!!!!OMG!! And the fact that I can’t get the picture out of my head of him in bed with someone else….even though he probably was while we were together. He’s 10 years younger than me. 44/54.
So my confidence went from 100 to 0 in a flash as you say yours did. I do have a problem with self esteem and this didn’t help. I don’t know your age, but at my age you’d think I would have known all along it was always just a booty call. The signs were all there…he never took any pictures with me in nine months, he still on site, once a week get togethers, never to the movies or any fun activity, very evasive with his answers. Said he doesn’t like jealous women (translation: doesn’t want to be questioned) no holidays together, so many things he said “we should do” go to FLA. For a few days (around his birthday) he knew of a couple good steak houses we should go to, couldn’t call because his phone was charging, didn’t refer to me as his girlfriend when introducing me, he’d cook for me one day…….
So I know time will heal. Today is better than yesterday and tomorrow will be better than today. Date, go out, keep busy. It takes some people longer than others but one of my favorite quotes is-
SOMETIMES NOT GETTING WHAT YOU WANT IS A WONDERFUL STROKE OF LUCK- Dahlia Lama
Good luck Christina…I’m here for you if you want to talk..
Oh and I forgot to say…I’m mad that he just gave up and didn’t fight to save relationship. My friend says because he never looked at it as a relationship but always as a booty call….
You are worth so much more than that. I know you loved him, but you can find someone who will want to show you off to everyone he knows and spend every holiday with you. Just wait for that guy, because he IS out there. I promise you.
I don’t blame you for being upset he didnt want to fight for it. My ex fought and fought for it and then threw it all away when i gave him that second chance he begged for (read my other post from tonight)
Men are confusing. I am about to be single the rest of my life because I have lost hope in love right now. I dont want to even talk to anyone but him. My friends try to bring me out to meet people and I just end up thinking of him. I dont want anyone but him still. Im still depressed deep down inside. Love is so hard. I just want him. I want to smell him I want to laugh with him, I want to be goofy with him.
Usually guys treat me like a “pretty girl” and he didnt. Of course he complimented me all the time, but he treated me like a human and a real woman and that is why I loved him. He helped me with so much in my life, he treated me and talked to me like I deserved. Just not with his privacy issues.
Christina..DONT GIVE UP HOPE…READ MY POST TO YOU
OMG Monica!! Thank you so much!! I apologize for the late delay! I didn’t get a notification someone responded to me..
I bookmarked this page on my computer to read on my days I was feeling down. Tonight is one of those nights, I’m still depressed and I still LOVE HIM. It’s so hard. Your story brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing yours. We deserve SO much better. SO SO much more. We are worth more than that. I’m so happy I stumbled upon your response.
The difference with your story to mine, is that we showed EVERYONE our love. We took millions of pictures on Facebook, everyone knew us, everyone loved us together and kept asking “When are you going to get married?!” and “Your kids are going to be beautiful”. He would flaunt me in front of people, it made me feel so wanted and good. But his privacy issues still outweighed everything else. We lived together, we were practically already married.
I ended up talking to my ex again, big mistake. Big big BIG mistake. Listen to this. So we made up for 1 night. Went back to our appartment, our pictures were still there, everything looked the same. He’s been dealing with some health issues, and I know he has been stressed with that on top of our situation. He found some news from the doctor and asked to be alone the next night, so I respected that. I moved in with my parents again so we weren’t living together yet. I told my parents I was going to take it slow with him again, even though they saw the hurt I went through because of him. And they respected that. They supported our relationship to the max because they saw how happy I was and how much I grew with him as an adult. When I was at our house, my mom texted me to see how things were going and I told him that I told my mom that I was with him (which I didn’t, I wanted her to know I was taking it slow and sleeping over isn’t necessarily slow in my mind – but love is blind and I didnt think she would understand) I told him that’s completely understandable that he wanted some time alone because he didn’t want to be around anyone because of the news he received (weird because I thought I would make him feel better..) So he texts me “Your different” and I was like “What?!” .. it made no sense because we were so happy and relieved to be together again. I told him I lied to my mom where I was and he refused to understand where I was coming from regarding telling her I wanted to take it slow with him. He was furious, and I COMPLETELY understand because I broke up with him for not being open, yet I just lied to him. Biggest mistake I ever made, I wish I just told him I lied to her, but I didnt because I was selfish and wanted to see him (I knew he wouldn’t let me come over if I told him I lied to my mom about my where abouts) and I wanted my mom to think we were taking it slow.
The BIGGEST thing that made me absolutely FURIOUS is that he accused ME of cheating on him while we were “broken up” because I shaved!!! He expected me to come over unshaven and make up with him. Well I shaved the night I left to see him for the first time in weeks because I wanted him to see the best quality I could give him. I wanted to feel confident with myself and give him the best version of myself I could give. So I cleaned myself up! Big deal!! I thought he would appreciate that. But instead he accused me of taking advantage of the “single life” while I was away…. what a SLAP in my face!!!!!!! I was miserable, dying while we were apart.
Every night my usual routine would be Netflix, crying, looking at pictures, and crying until I fell asleep. Not once did I “take advantage of single life” That absolutely killed me.
So that being said… we are broken up again. Because he didn’t like how I lied to my mother, and he also didnt like the fact that I shaved for him.
Maybe he is trying to turn the cards on me now, but I was willing to give him a second chance he did NOT deserve. Because I loved him. He was willing to be open and I was willing to trust him for one more shot. Well he threw away his chance with me.
I tried to email him because I was so upset about his accusations of me, and I wanted to wish him the best of luck finding someone who knew and loved him as much as I did. But he blocked my email. So he never recieved my last email.
I’m still suffering. I still love him. I still constantly think of him. God I wish he would stumble upon this website and read what I am telling a complete stranger. I never cheated on him, God strike me dead if I am lying. I was miserable (hence my last post) when we broke up. I would read articles on how to not kill yourself practically (not literally… but I’m trying to show my pain)
Keep your head up Monica, thanks for you post. I’m happy to hear someone out there is a similar boat as I am. We will find love one day for someone who will give us what we give them. Just wait for it….
xoxo Tina