The No-Contact Rule is a necessity. That’s what most breakup survivors find out the hard way, often after weeks of trying to be friends with their Ex, and suffering through pain and humiliation.
But can it also be a weapon to get back the Ex? Is it ok to still have hope?
Today’s question is from Daniel, who wants to know the answer to these exact questions.
Can we get our Ex back with No-Contact?
Please read on.
I’m on Day 25 of NC, this is Day 39 of the breakup.
Long story short, one day we were looking at rings together and talking excitedly about marriage, then the next she broke things off and her reasoning sounded a lot like cold feet, jitters, deep-seated emotional issues like fear of abandonment, intimacy and commitment.
It’s basically her issues and not mine.
I managed to avoid the usual mistakes of begging and groveling to take me back and not giving her her space.
I’m doing NC because it’s ultimately about me and healing, not about winning her back. But emotionally, I want to reconcile and want her back.
In your opinion, will I give up this hope over time as her radio silence continues, and do you advocate NC as the only possible route to reconciliation?
I am having a real rough time accepting the relationship is over. Emotionally it’s like she flipped a switch. And I realize NC prevents me from saying and doing things now I will later regret.
First of all – I know exactly where you are coming from. Two of the most hurtful things during a breakup are the feelings of being blindsided and suddenly alone, as well as the crushed plans you’ve had together for the future.
“What the hell just happened?”, you ask yourself. Our mind usually reacts with numbness. You find yourself in the middle of the “denial-stage”.
Somehow you make it through the days, and at one point sooner or later you make an important realization, (if you’re lucky) – I can’t go on like this. I can’t keep contact with them and at the same time heal.
So you go No-Contact.
But does No-Contact mean giving up the hope of getting back together? And better yet, is No-Contact a way to reconciliation?
Let me tell you this right away – the hope of getting back together is deeply wired into you. It’s what the heart says.
Now, usually I always recommend to listen to your heart, but NOT this time.
You must know this – someone who just went through a fresh breakup isn’t thinking straight, like a brain damaged, love-blind fool, (sorry to sound so harsh, but its a good metaphor).
All they care about is getting back to the times as they used to be.
The friendship, the love, the understanding, the nearness.
But the head knows better. It shows problems that existed in the relationship, the bad sides of the Ex, the fact that what once is broken rarely gets fixed again to what it was before.
All this knows the head.
But unfortunately not the heart.
No-Contact is the way of listening to the head.
It is doing what is best for YOU as a person.
Will it get your Ex back?
To be honest, it is very unlikely. Sorry for speaking it out loud, I know this hurts. There were reasons for breaking up and they still exist. They won’t vanish after no contact.
But the HOPE will be present for some time.
It is good to know and to accept that, and to know where it’s coming from. Eventually it will fade, and the heart will look for new ways. This is when healing truly begins, when we fully accept and take responsibility for what happened.
Only then can we learn from the experience and grow with it.
Everyone who just started No-Contact will have a hard bumpy road ahead. You will struggle, fall and stand up again. You will encounter obstacles, road blocks that you must avoid. Your Ex may try to contact you, your Ex is a co-worker, you have kids together, you will miss them, the temptation of contacting will be almost unbearable.
It will be difficult, maybe the most difficult thing you’ve done, but it’s so worth it.
It’s so worth it.
No-Contact will cut your healing time to a fraction.
It’s true. I know this from my own experience and from coaching so many clients.
My advice to you Daniel is to NOT give in to your emotions. They are sending a false signal. Listen to your head, remember the “bad times”, and try not to idealize your relationship.
Take it day-by-day, week-by-week.
And one day you will suddenly feel MUCH better. Just like you flipped a switch.
Do you think that no-contact is a way of getting the Ex back? Please share your thoughts in the comment section below.