The No-Contact Rule is a necessity. That’s what most breakup survivors find out the hard way, often after weeks of trying to be friends with their Ex, and suffering through pain and humiliation.
But can it also be a weapon to get back the Ex? Is it ok to still have hope?
Today’s question is from Daniel, who wants to know the answer to these exact questions.
Can we get our Ex back with No-Contact?
Can we?
Please read on.
I’m on Day 25 of NC, this is Day 39 of the breakup.
Long story short, one day we were looking at rings together and talking excitedly about marriage, then the next she broke things off and her reasoning sounded a lot like cold feet, jitters, deep-seated emotional issues like fear of abandonment, intimacy and commitment.
It’s basically her issues and not mine.
I managed to avoid the usual mistakes of begging and groveling to take me back and not giving her her space.
I’m doing NC because it’s ultimately about me and healing, not about winning her back. But emotionally, I want to reconcile and want her back.
In your opinion, will I give up this hope over time as her radio silence continues, and do you advocate NC as the only possible route to reconciliation?
I am having a real rough time accepting the relationship is over. Emotionally it’s like she flipped a switch. And I realize NC prevents me from saying and doing things now I will later regret.
Dear Daniel,
First of all – I know exactly where you are coming from. Two of the most hurtful things during a breakup are the feelings of being blindsided and suddenly alone, as well as the crushed plans you’ve had together for the future.
“What the hell just happened?”, you ask yourself. Our mind usually reacts with numbness. You find yourself in the middle of the “denial-stage”.
Somehow you make it through the days, and at one point sooner or later you make an important realization, (if you’re lucky) – I can’t go on like this. I can’t keep contact with them and at the same time heal.
So you go No-Contact.
Wise decision.
But does No-Contact mean giving up the hope of getting back together? And better yet, is No-Contact a way to reconciliation?
Let me tell you this right away – the hope of getting back together is deeply wired into you. It’s what the heart says.
Now, usually I always recommend to listen to your heart, but NOT this time.
No.
You must know this – someone who just went through a fresh breakup isn’t thinking straight, like a brain damaged, love-blind fool, (sorry to sound so harsh, but its a good metaphor).
All they care about is getting back to the times as they used to be.
The friendship, the love, the understanding, the nearness.
But the head knows better. It shows problems that existed in the relationship, the bad sides of the Ex, the fact that what once is broken rarely gets fixed again to what it was before.
All this knows the head.
But unfortunately not the heart.
No-Contact is the way of listening to the head.
It is doing what is best for YOU as a person.
Will it get your Ex back?
To be honest, it is very unlikely. Sorry for speaking it out loud, I know this hurts. There were reasons for breaking up and they still exist. They won’t vanish after no contact.
But the HOPE will be present for some time.
It is good to know and to accept that, and to know where it’s coming from. Eventually it will fade, and the heart will look for new ways. This is when healing truly begins, when we fully accept and take responsibility for what happened.
Only then can we learn from the experience and grow with it.
Everyone who just started No-Contact will have a hard bumpy road ahead. You will struggle, fall and stand up again. You will encounter obstacles, road blocks that you must avoid. Your Ex may try to contact you, your Ex is a co-worker, you have kids together, you will miss them, the temptation of contacting will be almost unbearable.
It will be difficult, maybe the most difficult thing you’ve done, but it’s so worth it.
It’s so worth it.
No-Contact will cut your healing time to a fraction.
It’s true. I know this from my own experience and from coaching so many clients.
My advice to you Daniel is to NOT give in to your emotions. They are sending a false signal. Listen to your head, remember the “bad times”, and try not to idealize your relationship.
Take it day-by-day, week-by-week.
And one day you will suddenly feel MUCH better. Just like you flipped a switch.
Promise.
Do you think that no-contact is a way of getting the Ex back? Please share your thoughts in the comment section below.
Your friend,
Eddie Corbano
This amazing report and newsletter will teach you how to break your Ex-Addiction and finally live the life you deserve.
Hello Eddie,
Today is day 10 of NC and 1 month to breakup. I have done all that i cid, begged, pleaded, bombarded him with text mgs, called his friends, met his parents…and all in vain.
The reasons of breakup (i think) was not cheating but my lack of trust and support to him that I am gonna be happily be moving with him in his city with is family. There were fears which I used to discuss with him, but i didnt know I was creating a sit for my self.
Anyways, I am still gonna maintain the NC for atleast a month. I still think that we can reconcile and I hope that it works. I have told myslef one thing that even after I am truly moved on, I will still go with the choice of taking him back if he comes.
I also know that this relationship is over, anything now will be new. A fresh ground to start on and to start afresh. My only problem is, that we are now in different cities and i actually got dumped on phone and couple of text msgs.
Even if this goes towards reconcillation, how wud i make an opening move? wudnt that imply that i am still trying for him?
Any suggestions?
I went out on friday night with my family (clubbing) He warned me that if I did go and he rung and I wasn’t home that it was over. Sure enough I got home to find abusive messages and after sending him about 10 emails he finally wrote back to me sun morning calling me all the names under the sun and that he is now going to leave the state he is staying in on tues as I have booked flights to see him for a week!! I don’t know what to do, I can’t get a refund and I don’t want to travel overseas to be with him as he is now not replying to me….
The abusive messages are a large red flag. Granted I’ve got little to go off of but from what you said he sounds abusive and controlling. If you are able take your trip but don’t go and see him. Use that time to get some time away granted it’s probably not the best place that you would have chosen for a vacation. But if you’ve already put the wheels in motion and the ticket is non-refundable might as well use it. You don’t need a partner who is abusive, controlling and manipulative.
Hello Eddie..your blogs have been a great help to me…
What struck me most, however, is this: “Take it day-by-day, week-by-week…”.
I started doing a count-down of the days that I did not text/contact my “ex”.
What I do is that I set an initial goal of 3 days of “no contact”. If I gave in to “temptation” and contacted my ex, then I’d re-new my 3-day goal and start on day 1 again. It makes me feel excited to see if I could reach day 3. So far, I have not reached day 3 yet…I always go back to day 1…hahahahha…. but I just started doing just approximtely 9 days ago…
After a 3-day no contact period, my goal is to extend it to 7-day and so on and on….
The worst part in violating the “no contact rule” is, I’d feel happy for a few minutes or hours after contacting him…However, i’d feel sad and depressed later on when I realized that we’re done or he is done with me. So, I’d go back to day 1 again with extreme difficulty…
Sounds like a good plan.
But be flexible regarding the time frame. 3 day didn’t work for me back then, I had to start with one hour!!! Then expand to 3h, 1 day etc.
Hang in there!
Hello Eddie..yeah, that’s funny…I’ll try hourly goal then…
Hello Eddie,
I need to clarify about NCR… When he texts, does it mean that I dont text back?
He texted and I just could not resist responding to his text…I am supposed to be on my 2nd NCR Day..but i think, ill be back to square one
Please advise.
That’s exactly what the NC Rule means: when they text, you don’t text back.
hahahaha i know this feeling. i lasted 2 days and gave in. he wont stop messaging me though? what does this mean? i am the dumpee he doesnt want me back but he keeps regular contact. im going to end up hating him in the end cause i just want him to wake up to himself. i havent led on that i want him back or i havent said i miss you, nothing like that. if i message back he always tries to keep the conversation rolling. what does he want???? can you eddie explain from a mans point of view wtf hes doing and why?
Brooklyn (Sad confused)
grrrr im into this..when i went MIA or NC rule i was bombarded with messages coming from him. I confronted him and ask him what situation are we right now he says “DONT YOU WANT US FRIENDS, AND LETS SEE WHERE IT LEADS US” so CRAPPPYY…i made the decision, if he couldnt then i wil. I decided and settle everything in civil way as much as i could and didnt even blame him…what’s the use of getting angry and crying in front of him…no used its all done…and before we parted ways he told me he will miss whether i believe it or not…and he was feeling like guilty..DUHH as of now i went NC deleted all possible ways that i could communicate with him (anyway i dont even know that there’s no US at all) hahaha
Dear Eddie,
Thanks for having this site…im into this situation..when i went MIA or NC rule i was bombarded with messages coming from him. I confronted him and ask him what situation are we right now he says “DONT YOU WANT US FRIENDS, AND LETS SEE WHERE IT LEADS US” so CRAPPPYY…i made the decision, if he couldnt then i will. I decided and settled everything in civil way as much as i could and didnt even blame him…what’s the use of getting angry and crying in front of him…no used its all done…and before we parted ways he told me he will miss whether i believe it or not…and he was feeling like guilty..DUHH as of now i went NC deleted all possible ways that i could communicate with him (anyway i dont even know that there’s no US at all) hahaha…and the regretful part is we’ve been friends for more than 10 years and we only have 3 months romantic relationship. I couldnt go being friends with him…it’s confusing, torture and really if i dont hear from him its killing and i guess make it difficult for myself.
Are you still in contact with this guy? maybe he loves you? You sound like my xgf? Wow i wonder hmmm
Hi,
I appreciate having found this site. I have recently broken up with a man with whom I had a LTR (about 4 1/2 years). During that time we had some yo-yoing going on a few times for short periods of time. We broke up last month, but had been keeping in touch by text and phone calls. Last weekend we had plans to spend Saturday together and then when I texted him he said he had wash to do…then in the evening he was practically begging me to come over and spend the night. I said no way! I ended up texting him and telling him I felt like all he wanted was a booty call, but he denied that saying that’s not him. IN the morning on Valentine’s Day he sends me a text wishing me a “Happy Valentine’s Day Baby. I hope you have a wonderful day. I love you.” I texted something similar back, but then I heard nothing from him later and no flowers or anything. Yesterday I dropped his cat off that he left here last month and had no contact other than to let him know he had a special delivery out front. His family was home and the front door was open, but I didn’t talk to any of his family. I didn’t hear anything back from him about the cat or anything else. My question is why would he send me a text on Valentine’s Day professing his love for me and then ignore me? He made a comment on the 13th while we were talking on the phone that tomorrow is Valentine’s Day and that he’d give me flowers, but then I’d have to hide them from my son because the last time he gave me flowers they were about dead and my disabled son threw them out without asking me if he could. I wasn’t happy my son did that and talked to him about it, but he is disabled (has mental retardation). My ex and I are still friends on Fb and he is now friending gals that are young enough to be his daughters. He is telling them about songs hes listening to about anger towards a significant other (Alice in Chains “Heaven Beside You” and Godsmack “I Stand Alone”) He bought a new used car…a mustang. Last week he texted me “All the love we shared it breaks my heart. I will never forget you, I will always love you.” I sent him an email last week saying I was thankful for all the good times and love we shared and that I would always love him, too. I listed all the qualities I liked about him and what I learned from our relationship. I just don’t understand why he suddenly has this ANGER towards me and ignoring me. I don’t understand why we can’t just move on peacefully. I’m not angry with him, but I am VERY hurt by his actions of late. I thought he was not going to treat me this way. Please don’t misunderstand…I am in a lot of emotional pain and I have had a very hard time not hearing from him and not having him truly love me. He called my grown children “baggage”. That hurts me a lot. He says he doesn’t want to “compete” with my kids, especially my son. I know I am MUCH better off not having him and the added stress in my life, but I really miss all the fun we had together. We both love NASCAR and music…although not exactly the same music. My heart is broken, but I’m not lashing out at him about things. I’m going to try not to contact him. I’m counting this as day 1 since I sent him the text yesterday. I just don’t understand his anger towards me and that is what I would want to know from him…WHY is he SO ANGRY with me? I’m in my early 50′s and he is in his late 40′s. I thought this would go much differently than it has. I would appreciate any helpful comments or suggestions. Thank you.
Eddie, my boyfriend and I broke up Dec. 27 and since then he reached out to me a few times and then I reached out to him a few weeks later and he then said we would never work (and to this day he has not taken responsibility for anything he has done — and there is a lot he has done that is troubling — and blamed me — and I have taken responsibility for my part many times and expressed that to him). The problem with NC is that he is my contractor for my condo (we were friends before but fell in love when we reconnected after I asked for his help with my condo), which in its current condition is simply gutted with nothing in it yet. So he has control of my home and the money I gave him and I will be in contact with him about the condo. So, my recovery and healing is slowed or on hold because of this. (And getting another contractor will cost me more money and time at this point, and I have discussed my situation with an attorney so I have a pro watching my back.) Can you give me any advice on how to heal while he is in this power position (he has been dragging his feet, perhaps to have me twist in the wind, on doing the work fast and every day — no work was done all of January but there has been some this month). And I have to be nice and cordial with him in condo-related emails so that he won’t be angry and cause me any additional trouble. Any advice? I feel helpless and powerless and, despite his many issues and hurts, I still love him and miss him every day.
I broke up with my boyfriend after one year. He was becoming distant, breaking plans, firting with other wome, talking to other women, and even made a comment about how beautiful a woman was and men wanted to have sex with her. He became caustic and cut me down about everhthing. Everything I did or said was wrong. He often would tell me to go home, becuause he wanted to be alone. He would come over for dinner and leave after a couple of hours. He told me he wanted to sleep at his house and I should at mine. That he was not into cuddling and hugging and being romantic. He never wanted sex, and if so, only for his gratification. He would make comments about my weight loss, and clothes. He would promise to buy me things only to break the promise. Also, doing a surprise for me, only to change his mind over and over again. He said sex wasn’t important in a relationship, and I agreed to an extent, but that intimacy was important. He said he had a Testosterone issue, but would get Viagra. So, these mixed feelings just got the best of me. I think his actions were speaking louder than words. He tried to break up with me several times, and when I agreed, he changed his mind. He then proceeded to tell me he was going to do whatever he wanted to do and he was going to do some things I didn’t like. He said a breakup would be sad, and so we stayed together. When he invited me over for dinner I saw red flags. I had this gut feeling. He started arguing with everything I said, and acted like it was a chore to have the evening together. When he finally made the rudest remark, I looked at him and said I am leaving. He yelled you are leaving? Got up and starged acting like a wild man. I said I have worn my welcome out and I am not coming back. He physcially told me to just leave and shoved me out the door. I walked home (a few yards), and he came a few minutes later telling me I had his phone. We have matching and I took on accident. I floundered thru my purse and gave it to him. I did not realized I had taken it in my hurt. I told him to get his paintings. He said no he would get in the morning. I demanded he take them, and he did. I feel like he wanted to break up, but something was keeping him hanging on. Not sure what. If he loved me he would not treat me like a piece of crap. Also, he would not let me even leave a toothbrush at his place. He started talking about being the best looking man in our neighborhood, and he had everything he wanted and needed. I had just had it. I love him and would love to make it work, but I think I must remain in the NC Zone. Please Advise. Thank you
Hello dottiesue…NC Rule has been very helpful for me…I am starting to get over a guy because of that…well, not really…I have not gotten over him…I still miss him..But when i deactivated my phone service just to forget him, i started to feel that the is already an “end” or “finality” in us…
dottiesue – it sounds like he is not treating you well…i’d use No Contact Rule… Based on my experience, if a guy loved me, he would’nt lift a finger to even hurt a fly that is on my arm… Sounds like he is a scary guy…I am sorry…
Hello Anne – thank you for support. I made a list of the negative, and why not to wish him back; with or without the NC Rule. He has been single for years, and so have I. I take everything into consideration, to include his upbringing, and the fact that he may have bipolar? He ran away from home when he was very young, and sold drugs to support himself on the streets. He has tried to overcome his past – to include relationships. He has told my friends “Thank God” he met me, and even told me he loves me. He wanted the relationship to be exclusive, and did not want me to see anyone else. However, he could flirt, oogle other women, smoke cannibas with married women in the dark, ask my friend to ride with him to the supermarket, and the worst he has started talking about a young woman with two small children whose husband has been deployed overseas at war. She came on to him, and told me she was going to give me a run for my money. I mentioned she was married, and how could she do that? Your husband would be crushed. She flirts with and tells me he flirts with her and waves to her all the time. She told me I just love Sam. He is sooooo sweet. Constantly talks about him and his life, with no regards to her husband. Lately, Sam has been talking about her, her body, her sex life, and to hang on….he is waiting to get with her. I was shocked. I asked what was the reason for that comment, and he said oh you are just too jealous. And that he would not blame her for going out. She was young with two small children, and needed a break, and if he was her, he would do it away from home. I was shocked. I said any man that would cheat with another womans hus band and being deployed is not the man I thought he was. He constantly talks about where she is and who is at her house, and what she is doing. I think it is just a matter of time until they cheat. I told him neighbors will find out. It will destroy families and the guilt would prove to be overwhelming. He then said he was going to have lots of parties and I would be invited. “Youll be there.” Well, I will not. I think his character is not up to par. I am not perfect, but he wants me as an option, until some young or in his mind, someone beter comes along. It was wonderful the first few months, but started to decline and too much fighting about what I did wrong. When I tried to defend myself, he said you have to always make excuses for everything you do. I told him not excuses …. defend my honor and truth to my perspectives. I just couldn’t win. I have to look out my window and see his house. I will run into him. I could move, but this would be financially impossible right now. I could become a hermit, and stay home and keep busy. I live in the country and driving just to get out and stay busy is expensive. I am not sounding woe is me. I just want to know I did the right thing by saying I am done and not coming back. We always know or have the gut feeling when something is not right. Telling me all the good ones are taken was just it. So, now he can play the field, flash his money, and be the player he probably has always been. He likes to go with married couples and tag along so he can flirt with the wife. He told me all wives want to sleep with him, but he turns them down. So, I am not the only sicko in this relationship. I am for loving and believing in him, and trying to make the relationship work. He is just selfish, rude, and wants attention from every woman he meets. On the other hand, I feel, used up, boring, ugly, skinny, depressed, angry, alone and scared. But, I am NOT desperate. I am a giver. Not a taker. I am going to learn from this. I will continue with the NC, and try to stay strong. Thank you again. I appreciate taking the time to give advice. I really need it. He walked in front of my house yesterday, and almost in my back yard. I thought what is he doing. Wanted me to see him, or just let me know he is out and about, and doesen’t care since we are broken. Best to you with your NC issues. I still miss him. I love him. But I will love myself more. Hope you find the love of your life. I know it takes time….but you sound like a strong person and ready to get your life back.
dottiesue, sounds like you are hurting a lot…I changed my number just to stop myself from checking my phone every second to see if he tried to contact me…and stop myself from contacting him….
I hope everything gets better with you…Time heals…We just need to wait for our own healing to come…
wonderful advice. Yes, time does. I have another man whom is interested, and told me to call him if I wanted to go out. I went out one time, and realized I have to get over this before I consider meeting someone new. It would not be to make him jealous, just to get out and feel like a woman again. It will be a long time before I can trust a man again. A ver long time. Thank you
wonderful advice. It will be a very long time before I can trust a man again. A very long time Thank you
ooops, sorry for the duplicate – I didn’t think it posted.
You are welcome dottiesue…Do you know the site “experience project”…it’s like a social network but people write about their experiences in life… i find it very therapeutic to read people’s experiences, to be able to connect with them and reply to them just to give them a “moral boost”….and in return, they write to you also and give you their personal advice…
Anne, I will try the site. I already feel much better. I am on day four! I will get stronger. Thanks again!
Just gonna say I have had no contact as an instinctual reaction out of self respect on the first time I broke up with this guy who was I dated from high school and college. I didnt know it was called No Contact. I did it to protect myself bc that guy just didnt love me. It’s been 2 and a half years and I have enforced it. Yes, my heart forgave, my heart isnt angry, my heart misses him, my heart wants him. But my mind says “You fool!”. It is tempting but you gotta talk it out with someone you have already, write it out, it really works, of why you cant want that. More than any reminder is remembering that if you really love them AND you really love yourself, then you will let go. Just let go. If it comes back to you, may it be cuz it was meant to be, not cuz you sought that/it was you who sought something. He/she let you down, remember that. If they valued the relationship enough, they would’ve contacted you already. If they havent then they dont deserve it/you. And may everything you do be done really for yourself and not subliminally for them, or because of them anyhow. Good luck!
Hello nina, im on day 7 for NCR… Everytime i have this urge to contact him, id go back to this site and read all the replies… And, somehow, id have the strength to carry on…
Hi Anee. I’m on Day 2 of NC and man, it is TOUGH. I’m moving out of our house tomorrow, moving to a much smaller place, but it’s all mine. I’ve had to buy pretty much EVERYTHING since when we moved in together, we thought it was ‘forever’. Talk about adding insult to injury, huh? Your resolve gives me hope. Good luck to you and everyone on this site. We’ll get through it.
Hi Kellie, yes it is very tough…very difficult… I had to change my number twice…I texted him a few minutes after changing my number the first time…(hahahahah) But, it has been 9 days now of NC since i changed my number for the second time…
When I am tempted to contact him, i’d read Eddie’s blogs over and over again and after a while, i’d have strength to stick with NC Rule… This site has been very therapeutic…
Yes, Kellie, someday (and I hope soon) we’ll get over our feelings and we’ll be happy again…
Last night my boyfriend said he wanted to take a “break” so basically it feels as though we are broken up. This is a fairly recent occurrence and to me it just doesn’t feel right. I know he still loves me and cares for me, and I understand why he wants to take a break. Basically we have been fighting more than we should be, and little things like stress are getting the best of us. I know I myself am a better person and am dealing with my stress in a much more positive manner. I am ready to continue the relationship and for the past two weeks have been putting everything I have into the relationship. The problem is that he says he is exhausted, that he lost himself and hasn’t been happy for a while. So given that he sees positive changes in me and he finds himself and has a change in perspective he said we have to potential to get back together. This NC thing is driving me crazy though. I am not sure if I should just continue with NC and hope for the best or if I should give up and move on. I do deep down know that a break can be good for us but I just want to be with him. I miss him and it has only been a day. I feel pathetic and ridiculous.
Any help would be great, I know I need to stay strong.
Hello Lynne, I know it is very hard…I think it is the hardest thing I ever have to do so far…Break up sucks…
But you know, why I can reply to every post here?…it’s is because I want to contact my ex every minute of the day… and when it comes to the point that I feel very weak and ready to break the NC Rule, I pick up my mobile phone not to text him but to access this blog site and read eddie’s articles…Somehow, I have made a mental note to visit this site whenever I feel like giving in…
Eddie has written a wonderful book called “7 Reasons why you do not want your ex back…”…It is very inspiring…
Hi Lynne,
I have just been through the same experience, ‘having a break’, but it didn’t end well. After not seeing each other for a week and a half and limited text contact, my ex emailed me on Thursday saying that he wanted to catch up for a chat on the weekend. I had been feeling really anxious about not knowing where we were headed and what to focus my attention on. I ended up speaking to him on the phone on Thursday afternoon when he told me that he had signed a contact on purchasing another house two days before. He had moved on, while I was still thinking that we may get back together.
I went through the same thoughts as you of thinking that a break may have been good for us, but now I know the break wasn’t real. It was him being weak. I’m glad now (but horribly sad as well) as I think about our relationship and think about all of the negatives. I’m trying not to think about the positives.
I would suggest that you ask your boyfriend directly as soon as possible where your relationship stands. It is such an awful feeling to be in the position you are in. I felt immediately better once I knew that we wouldn’t be getting back together. Now I can focus on grieving.
Hi everyone – I’m on day 12 of NC, as well as breakup. I am the one ended the relationship after 2.5 years because of fighting, distance, us just not getting along anymore. I’m miserable. I’m still having emotional breakdowns throughout the day. I am in love with this man and realize I don’t want to be without him. Our bad times were better than mine and anyone else’s good times. I’m hoping that after NC we can get back together and start new. This is basically why I started NC, so we can both clear our head and hopefully will want to reconnect. Any advice on how to/who should approach getting back together after NC?
Hi Jenny,
While I understand your position, this is not really the place to discuss the HOW to get back with your Ex, because this website officially promotes that you shouldn’t. But rather use the time to learn, improve and ultimately find the right partner… one who is a better match with you.
Hi Eddie and everyone,
I am on day 30 of NC but I still do not feel any better about my decision. I was dating a man that I met online-He was a busy doctor and I am a college instructor-we really hit it off but lived an hour apart. We saw each other every weekend and were exclusive but he would only call to arrange our dates-he was very socially awkward. It was never a problem when I was with him but we started to have issues because he was tied to his house and was hesitant to drive to my house-we got past that one and then when it seemed things were back on track he told me he did not think he ever wanted to get married (he never has been). he is 54 and I am 47. I was married 14 years ago and have been raising my girls on my own. I have dated many guys and had proposals but I had never been in love since my ex until this guy-I really fell for him. But I want to get married. So I told him that this was important to me and he was nice about me moving on I guess. I have not heard from him and keep wondering if I did the right thing. I think the uncertainty is driving me crazy. I am too old to hang around and hope he sees Im great and changes his mind-I guess I hoped it would eventually work out or I would feel better but neither has happened.
I am sorry to hear that Kathleen…
I’d say that you continue implementing the NC Rule.
What I’ve learned about guys is that if they’re truly interested, nothing can keep them away…if not, nothing can make them stay…
He probably cares for you but he may not be ready for a long-term commitment such as marriage…It is unfair for both of you to stay in a road when he will not (or never) drive towards the same route that you want to take…If you prolong the relationship, you’ll just fall more deeply and might keep hoping that he’d ask you for marriage and when he didn’t, imagine the intensity of heartache after the long wait…
When I see a relationship coming down to an end, I do the most abrupt thing i can do, e.g., “Take the Band Aid off fast…”….That’s why i have implemented the NC Rule in my recent relationship…But before doing so, I had a “closure” talk with my Ex and then implemented my NC Rule…The closure talk helps me a lot…Everytime I am tempted to contact him, I replay in my mind what he told me and that stops me from contacting him……Although, what my Ex said was crystal clear and did not not require any interpretation or de-coding, I refused to acknowledge or understand them hoping that he didnt mean what I thought he meant … So, I asked my guy friends for their opinion on what my Ex said and my guy friends would “re-word” my Ex’s words for me in a more blunt and direct way (LOL) … Actually, it took three days before my Ex’s words sunk in…
I am not suggesting that you have some closure talk with him…You have to consider if that is necessary in your case…It has been 30 days since you have not contacted him…I’d say that you carry on and you’re doing a great job…
But I am not a relationship expert by the way….But, I also visit this site everytime I am tempted to contact my ex…I read Eddie’s blog over and over again and I reply to the messages…This site has been very helpful…
Anne, thank you for your response-it is good to hear it from someone else. Sometimes I almost feel guilty for walking away-women are so odd and complex with their emotions-maternal too. I can see in another woman’s email that she is telling herself what she wishes to hear or that she is lonely and weakening but in myself I am not very objective. I am having good days and bad. You are right-No matter how socially awkward, he was able to sleep with me and tell me he did not think he wanted to get married-so, if he wanted to be with me he could rise to the occasion. That is why women have all the self help books and read them and men tend to coast or not read them. We kind of make it easy. I am dating-well sort of. I have guy trying to date me and I am making it more difficult and that is good. I am not bitter but I am jaded. I am no longer falling for the lines. I have read so many letters from women who meet men, become intimate and get dumped and I have lost respect for them. Love is a game. You have to hold back, gain their respect until there is a real commitment and some time-no matter what they say. Make them work for it. All of the women on this site are worth it and deserve the best.
I googled “overhwhelming urge to contact abusive ex after a year” and found your site.
We separated, I left, last January, so it’s been over a year. I went no contact in October, so 5 months ago. We have a child together, I have sole custody though, and visits are with someone else since October so I didn’t have to see him/speak to him.
However, lately, I cannot stop thinking about him. I want to call him, write him, meet him. I dream about him. I imagine scenarios and what I would say. I miss him…. the part of him that was lovely and kind, not the abusiveness. He has mental health struggles and I worry about him, as a friend… my mind has convinced me that I abandoned my best friend when he needed help most or something.
I won’t be able to never speak to him again, because of our child of course, and I do hope that we can get to a place of friendliness again, but I don’t know – he needs professional help and I don’t know if he has started getting it yet…
Do I continue no contact even longer? I don’t know. The urge is SO strong and has been growing, I keep calling people getting them to talk me out of it, I wonder why I feel like I need to talk to him now after all this time
Hi Eddie
I have been dumped twice by the same man. The first time, I went no contact (we both did) with the intention (on my part) of getting him back, getting him to miss me, getting him to perhaps realise how much he really loved me, etc. And the no contact worked…we eventually got back together after about 3 1/2 months of breakup and no contact. Only to be dumped again by him 4 months later….
As you said in your article/blog above, “There were reasons for breaking up and they still exist. They won’t vanish after no contact.”……
After the first break up (which took me totally by surprise – no warning, etc.)…..I did soooooooo much research on various internet websites and blogs like this one…..seeking advice and guidance and strength – reading other peoples stories – trying to understand what went wrong (often blaming myself). I must say all this research was a wonderful distraction….I learnt so much, I discovered I was not alone – besides keeping myself busy at work and going on a GREAT holiday abroad (my first ever), it was me educating myself in relationships that really did the trick of keeping me sane!!
Yes I had my moments when I broke down but evetually I did become a stronger, more educated and informed ‘dumpee’!
After the second break up (2nd Jan 2013) and no contact since then…..I realised that something else was wrong….I couldn’t quite put my finger on it – I just knew deep down in my heart and soul that this man (the ‘dumper’) was not ‘normal’!!
So off I went to do MORE research…..and lots and lots of it. And for the first time I now UNDERSTAND who and what I was delaing with. It was never about me – what I did or failed to do – it was never about going no contact and him missing me, etc. – it was never about our ‘relationship’ as such…..it was and always will be about HIM as a person!!
Ever heard of a NARCISSIST?! Yes, we all have!! But in my ignorance, I thought a Narc (man or woman) was just someone who was full of him/herself. Oh My Goodness….I was sooooooo wrong!!
I have subsequently written my own article (as yet unpublished and not appearing anywhere other than on my computer as a word document) which I add to from time to time as I broaden my research on the matter and which I read nearly every day to myself to keep reminding me that the break up and being dumped (not once but TWICE) HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH ME!!! YAY!!!! xxxxxxxxx I have found sanity!!!
Don’t get me wrong, I do miss my ex very, very much and think of him every day. I get days when I am weepy with a hollow feeling inside my stomach and my heart aches so badly for him…..I LOVE HIM…..but, I know that I have to stay away from him and the only way I can is to STAY no contact – but this time I am doing it FOR ME – not to get him back or make him miss me, etc.!! NO!!! I am doing it to heal, to slowly get him out of my system because he is a toxic poison and an emotional vampire……he is a NARC….and he does NOT deserve me!!
I would love to share more insight with you guys on Narcs – how to recognise them, deal with them, etc. – but that is entirely up to Eddie
(thank you so much for allowing me to share with you today)
Marce,
I dated someone exactly the same for two years. Don`t know why I did not recognise it before. It has NOTHING to do with us, their problems are projected onto us because they cannot take responsibility. When he was caught cheating or lying, he blamed me and said it was my fault for making him so insecure. What a joke!
I feel so much better for taking a step back to re-evaluate, and know that this narcissism is not deserving of our love or time.
Sooo ready to move on!!!
Marce, Narc’s twist your thinking into their perspective. They suck the life out of every person in their lives. They can be very dangerous people. It took me 4.5 yrs to recover from the emotional damage from a Narc. Stay away, far away. They worsen with age so keep that in mind. Good luck.
I know….I just really have BAD days where I am so emotional…..but I know deep down I have to do this, be strong and get him out of my system forever – thank you so much for your comment, you are 100% right!
Marce,
I would love to hear more about your thoughts about getting over a narc..I am just now ending a relationship that was yo-yo for the past few months due to him being so selfish. I knew he did not deserve me, but because I had so much love for him, I kept going back to him when he insisted he would change. But I am realizing that he will never change and give the relationship what it deserves because he is much too absorbed in himself and his own needs.
It is very difficult to move on even though I know it will be better for me in the long run.
Hi There. I can write a BOOK on narcs – lol…..my research is the only thing keeping me sane at the moment!! I have been in no contact now for just over 3 months and I still miss him and ‘us’ and still breakdown sometimes – my heart aches….but I know that I can never take him back….I just have to keep going and get stronger and stronger and put myself FIRST this time!! (My tip to help you get over him? : Read this every time you feel down to remind yourself WHY he is not worth your love!!)
I am going to refer to the Narcissist (Narc) as a ‘male’ but the same applies to ‘females’ so please feel free to replace HE with SHE as the case may be.
Often a Narc has experienced major trauma in their life which was so devastating to the point that it kills that person emotionally. The pain never goes away and they ‘bleed’ continually. In order to survive, they build a barrier that insulates them from the external world of people. They see people as harmful and destructive and they do not easily trust people. So in order to cope socially with others, they develop a FALSE PERSONA – a personality or identity which is NOT who they really are – it is NOT the TRUE person inside! This ‘wounded’ person may present as a “bad ass” or a “tough guy” OR he can play the part of the “nice guy” who everyone just adores OR he can choose the comedian role, the person who is “so much fun” to be around, etc. Or a combination of ALL of the above depending on who he is relating to at the time. Whatever the case may be, it is NOT the real him!
The Narc attracts devastation, pain and unhappiness into their own lives. They never get to create durable love, happiness, peace and joy. They are plagued by a large inner hole, an intense pain and anxiety within themselves resulting in self-loathing, extreme anger and sometimes shame – they battle with their own shortcomings!
Like a ‘junkie’, they need someone or something to “take the edge off”- to give them temporary relief from their pain and intense inner torment that they continuously feel – usually they target people to extract NARCISSITIC SUPPLY from in order to function and make them feel better about themselves. They are professional manipulators and design their game plan to get their ‘junkie’ needs met at any cost. Narcissitic supply is like a drug to them and they don’t care who is pushing the drug, as long as the drug makes them feel good (better) about themselves!
So who is their ideal victim?? Their ideal victims (or hosts) are people who are emotionally generous and who allow their boundaries to be bent – like you and me!! Don’t get me wrong here. There is nothing wrong with being emotionally generous, caring, loving, kind, unselfish, etc. You are gifted, so cherish it and do NOT change. It is not a problem or a weakness – it is just part of being who you are and having a rich meaningful life – a life which a Narc will never have!! The sad thing is this very goodness you have will be abused by them and may even end up destroying you and just amusing them!
So how does it all begin…..Well, they suss people out and know who will play their game and who won’t. They smell us from miles away – they bolt in immediately, start charming, intoxicating and figuring out exactly how to push our buttons – with the cold calculation of a serial criminal!! We are basically sitting ducks for Narcs – their IDEAL PREY!!
What is their Modus Operandi? He will target you as an IDEAL PREY. He will prey on your basic need for love and on your emotional generosity and goodness. The scary thing is, THEY KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THEY ARE DOING!! (discovering this just FREAKED me out!!) – it is not an accident….you were targeted and “sucked in” which is then followed by being “devalued” and then “discarded” as per their PLAN (which I will discuss in more detail a little later on).
20 Characteristics of a Narc – things to watch out for
1. They lie.
2. They look down on others.
3. They refuse to take responsibility.
4. They are two-faced.
5. They can be vindictive.
6. They prefer laughing AT people than WITH them.
7. They are bullies.
8. They are very childlike.
9. They believe that no matter what happens they will prevail.
10. They believe that whatever bad things they do, they will be forgiven and will ultimately
triumph.
11. They are fearless to the point of being insanely unrealistic.
12. They see themselves as being invincible and immune.
13. They have persistent fantasies about attaining success, power or wealth – obsessed with it.
14. They are incapable of compromise and need to win.
15. They thrive on evoking reactions and emotions – whether negative or positive – both give them a ‘high’.
16. They cheat on their wives, girlfriends, lovers, online romances because they would rather be liked by many than loved by just one.
17. They are NOT capable of ‘real’ love as normal people know it. They are more interested in being in control and feeling important and special than ever being loved by someone.
18. They manipulate people to go against their own values willingly?!
19. They USE people as puppets, pawns and commodities, burning them out and then moving on to their next victim.
20. They do not value people, do not miss them or love them because that involves bonding emotionally at various levels and the ability to bond is MISSING in a Narc.
A relationship with a Narc – In the beginning he is considerate, understanding, self-assured, funny, charming, suave, interesting, loving, etc. and this is what ‘sucks’ you in. You have found the PERFECT partner. YOU ARE IN LOVE – hook, line and sinker!! The relationship is very intense and romantic and he wants to spend most of his free time with you. You will be called pet names like ‘princess’, ‘gorgeous’ ‘pet’ ‘luv’ etc. you will be told you are beautiful and ‘just perfect’ – basically everything he WISHES he can be. He will also make you feel secure in the relationship – like he will always be there for you no matter what, he assures you he is going NOWHERE because he LOVES you so much!!
However, this is short lived because after the ‘honeymoon’ or ‘sucking in’ is over, the tables turn. Why?? Well he loves the ‘honeymoon’ stage where he can just have fun and not be responsible or accountable for or deal with any REAL issues that are necessary to take the relationship to a deeper emotional level. He loves the romance, adoration, admiration and hopes he has found THE ONE who will tolerate his weirdness without questioning it. He does not have the ability or willingness to move past this stage of a relationship and often gets bored!
He grooms you and trains you up to be the perfect source of his narcissistic supply – in fact he may even tell others ‘she is in training’ as a joke – but he actually means it! You are his constant source of attention, sex, affection and nurturing. The major problem is the narcissist does not believe he needs to reciprocate. The moment you begin to have needs or wants or demands of your own, everything changes!
So what happens after the ‘honeymoon’ stage?……He sees a change in you that no longer fits in with his plan. You are no longer his eager, willing, non-questioning, worthless, doting floor mat anymore. He is thinking, “Damn, she has caught on to me and my game. She is no longer suitable. I have to go and start all over again with someone new – a new supply!” Don’t take this personally though, because his ENTIRE life is based on this never ending cycle of events. Very sad really!!!
His TRUE personality starts to come to the fore and this creates so much confusion for you, the victim. You start feeling that something is not quite right. When you try to get close to him and ask how he is feeling or how he is doing or try to find out what is going on or why he has changed towards you, he will quickly distract you by sidestepping the question. They are brilliant at dodging questions that they do not want to answer or in fact cannot answer on IMPORTANT issues that affect you. Sometimes he may even admit that he has changed towards you….without offering a valid reason why…..
He makes you feel like you are going crazy…especially if you catch him out on a lie. In fact he will often say or imply that, “You are insane or crazy!” or “You are always looking for problems!” or “If that’s the way you feel about it, let’s call it a day!” or “You have no idea what you are talking about!” or “Don’t you trust me?!”, “What am I going to do with you!!” etc. If you do question him in any way, you are too needy, too demanding, you don’t understand him or accept him for who he is, etc.….in other words “IT IS ALL YOUR FAULT and that is why I am treating you so badly”!! “That’s why I have changed towards you!?”
You start to think YOU DID WRONG, YOU FAILED TO DO SOMETHING…….so for FEAR of losing the LOVE OF YOUR LIFE, you end up apologizing for something that is NOT your fault, that you did NOT cause or create!! In fact, you don’t even know WHY you are apologizing, but you do it anyway because you don’t want to lose him!! Remember it is NOT ABOUT YOU. It never has been and never will be….it’s ALL about him.
Talking about lying, Narcs are very subtle liars – they simply omit information and say things like “You took it out of context…” or “I never said that….” or “You read into everything I say and hear things that are not even there…” or “The reason I never told you the truth is because you always react just like this….” or one of my best “But I told you….” when you BOTH know he never did!!!, etc.
And so you carry on, even though there are so many unanswered questions and concerns you have. Deep down you KNOW things are not right – you cannot put your finger on the exact problem though….he creates smoke screens, you do not trust him at all (although you really, really want to because you love him and want to believe he loves you too), you are scared, vulnerable, insecure – AWFUL feelings to have. So you keep trying to ‘behave’ and in this process you often lose your friends, your personality and you become complacent viz. it’s okay to be ignored, it’s okay to do things you would never normally do (even sexually), it’s okay for him not to call you or to go out of his way for you or to talk about his feelings or to break set arrangements or to forget your birthday, or to disappear for brief (or long) periods at a time, etc. He conditions you to accept bad behaviour from him and not to probe – so you end up turning a blind eye and you pretty much suffer alone….you allow your boundaries to be bent!
Once my Narc said to me, “Why do you allow me to abuse you? Would you take this crap from anyone else?” To which I answered, “No I wouldn’t and it’s because I understand you and love you!!” – he just laughed!!?? Grrrrrrrrrrrr……
As long as you are submissive, make his life fun, praise him and give him ALL the attention without expecting or demanding anything in return, things will go well. The moment you express your dislike of something he did, or if you disagree with him, or if you express your own opinion that may not coincide with his, or if you get fed up with the way he treats you and vent those feelings to him, YOU BECOME A THREAT and he goes ‘cold’ on you – often giving you the silent treatment – you are cut off, devalued and even abandoned (he runs away – disappears) – which is the only way he knows how to deal with this and also his way of punishing you for non-compliance!
But all you did wrong was to refuse to cater for his needs unconditionally because you felt that he was not putting any effort into the relationship and you have had to do all the hard work. Of course it is unrealistic to play this game with him because that is all it is to him – A GAME!!
When he converses with you, notice how he rarely asks about you or how your day has been or what’s going on in YOUR life. Even if he does on the odd occasion, he does not really listen or empathise with you and he is definitely NOT interested in any of your answers to his questions – he is only asking you to pretend he cares. He does not feel for you when you are upset, if he does say something like “Oh that’s terrible” or “I feel your pain” he does NOT mean it!!! He is shallow and you ALWAYS feel that there is something not quite right with the relationship, there is something missing. He doesn’t care how you feel about things….bottom line is he is simply NOT INTERESTED in YOU and he is NOT INTERESTED in relating to YOU. It’s all about HIM, HIS day, HIS life, HIS ambitions, what HE is doing or going to do. He feels he is entitled to constant attention without having to invest anything more into the relationship other than the initial time it took him to “suck you in” and woo you!! Why? Because that’s what he wants, that’s what he expects…. And the worst thing is that you to tolerate his indiscretions and his unacceptable behaviour!!
“But he keeps telling me that he LOVES me!?” – “He told me that he will always come back cos he just can’t stay away from me for too long cos he needs me!” but it is NOT the kind of love or ‘needs’ NORMAL people are familiar with. He is looking for unconditional love but he’s totally incapable of giving it back in return. He wants HIS needs met, but could not give a damn about what you need. He just loves the way you make him feel viz. important and special. He may love the IDEA of you, but NOT you as a person!
So you ask : “Does or did he then NOT have any REAL feelings for me at all?” Yes of course he has/had real feelings for you but it sure as hell is/was NOT LOVE!!! HE LOVED YOU TO THE EXTENT HE WAS ABLE TO LOVE YOU!!!
REMEMBER, Love does not USE people. Love does not ABUSE people. Love does not DEVALUE people….and Love does not DISCARD or ABANDON people and toss them to the side like trash!!
So he dumps you, usually without VALID explaination – he just disappears…..
The dumpee is devastated and emotionally has been reduced to a mere ‘zombie’ of her former self. She goes into NO CONTACT (a very good thing to do)….or HE goes into no contact….either way, she pines for him and is desperate to know if he misses her, if he will come back….” “if I was such a special person to him why did he treat me this way?”…..
Okay, try to grasp this concept however harsh or sick it may sound…..
a. He does not love you.
b. He does not care about you.
c. He does not miss you.
d. If he ever comes back or makes contact with you again it’s only because his NEW supply has also caught onto his game, or she is not as good a supply as you were, or he is bored, or he wants to test if he still has control over you…..
You were just the ‘vehicle’ for him to thrive on – like a flea or a maggot – giving you very little regard or respect! If you pick a flea off a dog, does the flea miss the dog? NO!!! The flea only misses its blood supply and soon finds another host (victim)! And so this relationship pattern will continue throughout the life of a Narc. It is such a sad state of affairs that we were drawn into this sick game don’t you think?!
I know I am being harsh because we all want to believe that the Narc misses us and loves us and cares about us. Afterall, we did bend over backwards for him….we became emotional contortionists…..but the sad truth is we are yesterdays newspaper!
This was the hardest thing for me to swallow when I first heard it, but it’s true…..
“He values the attention of total strangers more than the attention you gave him.” This is sooo true….looking back now, he did that all the time.
One thing you can be 100% certain of, he is UNABLE to truly give you what you want or deserve – a whole, healthy, secure, loving and transparent relationship!!
So why do you want him back?? You deserve better than what he was offering you. He is just an emotional vampire anyway. You are special and without question can do better!! It’s like asking for your cancer back when you are in remission?!!
But I understand that you may be thinking maybe I can change him now that I have read all of this and know who and what he is?! Maybe I can help him?! That is just magical thinking. Any further contact with your Narc will just be a re-run except this time, you will KNOW the ending.
Perhaps you want him back for different reasons though? Maybe you want him back so you can get revenge?! You want to get the final word, take back control and be the one to do the discarding on YOUR terms?! I fully understand the satisfaction and closure this may give you but at the end of the day it is a total waste of your time….remember, HE JUST DOES NOT CARE!! He will not listen to you anyway. He certainly won’t apologise and acknowledge that he was wrong in any way or that he has a mental problem.
Narcs are emotionally underdeveloped predators who do not value people or intimacy and don’t feel connected to people. They see people as objects to be used for their own gratification.
So what are your options? To be miserable, abused and discarded at whim? Or to be happy and content in a secure and loving relationship with someone who adores you and cares about you?
Keep reminding yourself that all he really offered you was insecurity, paranoia, anxiety, depression, deception and made you feel awful about yourself.
My suggestion is that you make a conscious choice to not have this person in your life because his behaviour is NOT okay!! NO CONTACT, NO ENGAGEMENT with him is essential. Going no contact is NOT to make him miss you or long for you but rather to give YOU “the victim” relief, space, time to do some research, time to heal, time to move on and get your sanity back, etc. That is why NC is so crucial; it will allow you the time you need to separate the thoughts in your head with the feelings in your heart. YOU NEED TO GET “YOU” BACK!! It may take 30 days it may take a year or longer – who knows?? I do know one thing though; when you do get yourself back what your ex is doing will become irrelevant.
IT JUST WON’T MATTER WHAT HE IS DOING, WHY HE IS DOING IT AND WHO HE IS DOING IT WITH.
And I believe you WILL get your sanity back eventually!! Don’t spend your precious time trying to create sanity out of insanity!! You will one day look back and say, “I will never give him the chance to hurt me again, to abuse me again, to discard me again and to treat me like trash again!!”
So before you decide to break NC think about how you felt the very first day of him dumping and discarding you. Think about that day because contacting your ex Narc is about to take you back to that day. I don’t know about you but if I had a broken leg I wouldn’t go to the doctor to patch it all up just to go outside of his office and purposely break it again. That my friends goes hand in hand with your heart, why would you purposely want to get it broken again?
Eventually, with time, you will wonder how you ever allowed yourself to stay in this kind of relationship for so long! He was not who you thought he was….. HE WAS FALSE!! Nothing he presented to you was true – he was not even his TRUE self!!
So I say alter your boundaries, BEEF them up, so that abusers like Narc’s don’t barge in and wreak havoc in your life ever again!!! How do you do this?
* Understand what you are feeling and why
* Persevere and trust in the process – don’t give up
* Be in control of your OWN life
* Believe in yourself and your own strength
* Surround yourself with people who truly love and care about you
* Laugh as much as you can
* Learn from your mistakes
* See obstacles as challenges rather than seeing yourself as the victim
* Develop a good attitude and outlook on life
* You cannot control circumstances but you can control how YOU RESPOND to those
circumstances
* Be patient with yourself and just do your best
* Own your own pain and vulnerability and deal with your anger, disappointment, hurt,
frustration and fears – that is the only way to heal, get better and stronger
In other words, become emotionally resilient!!
Hi marce,
Thank you for that comment/post/article.
I was both fascinated and shocked while reading it. It would like to learn more…
Please check you email.
That is freaking awesome. That is EXACTLY my wife. We have been married 18 1/2 years, together for 20. We used to joke that it was all about her. and BOY was it… She did most of the things you listed. She is DONE with me, and I didn’t get it, how it was possible. Now, I see. I don’t know if she was a “dormant” Narc, or if she had a change and became a Narc. 20 years is a long time to plot, but I was a great husband and tried to make it all about her because I loved her so much. She almost broke up another marriage of 30 years, but I think dude has seen the light and wants to right his wrong. I am so impressed by your work and research! Thank you for sharing!
Great Stuff – glad i could help….just hang in there – it gets better!!
That was awsome. They can also be very abusive and make you think you are the bad one. I was accused of everything you can think of to the point of delusion. You are so messed up that you start believing them. Sick and crazy. Good email
Hello, after a month of observing the No-Contact Rule, i finally gave in and contacted the Ex… I would say I regret giving in to my weakness…I am now back to square 1…for me, breaking the NCR is not worth the consequences…
Just found this place and I have a similar problem but the circumstances are different. We were married for 38 years/two kids/grandkids. He was having an affair for the last five years of our marriage. He divorced me, I didn’t want it, fought it. He won. I was put deeply in debt, emotionally a wreck, tried no contact and dating other people. Nothing worked, I still and will always love him. His mistress stayed with her husband, he is alone. It has been 5 years and at first he didn’t call much I think he was trying to hang on to her. Now he calls every night, has come over for dinner or asked me out for events. He is running out of money which means less spousal support is being paid. I am unable to work, semi-retired on nothing basically. I need to stay on his good side so that I have somewhere to live and whatever money he decides to send but it is painful to be so close yet so far. Today is my birthday and he sent a card signed just with his name, not ‘love’ or anything like that. He just doesn’t understand when I tell him that it hurts when I get reminders like that. I am sad way too much because it is hard to get him out of my mind when I am being constantly reminded. How do I handle this?
I haven’t even been in a “relationship.” The guy I’ve been dating made it clear before we went out that it wasn’t exclusive and that he wasn’t looking for the long-term at that time. According to him, that was at least partially because he had just received a job offer which would require a long-distance move and he hadn’t yet decided whether or not to accept the very attractive offer. He told me early this week that he was almost positive he wouldn’t be moving; he’d turned down the offer and was just awaiting the counteroffer before making his final decision. Anyway, I’ve become much more attached to this guy than is wise, and I know he’s freaked out by rushing anything (he’s said as much). So I’ve done my best to distance myself a bit, to not reply immediately to every text, to try and remind myself regularly that this is not a real relationship, that he doesn’t love me. He’s been very sweet to me, for the most part, complimented my looks and my intelligence, said he thinks we’ll be friends for a long time to come even if we weren’t dating. He then said he was not at all saying that he doesn’t want to date me anymore, just trying to make the point that he thinks I’m a special person. Back to the situation–we’ve been talking for nearly three months, dating for two. On our most recent date, we did a lot of kissing, and he’s the best kisser I’ve ever been with. (I’m in my 30′s and kissed enough guys to have a basis for comparison.) For some reason, I felt the need to tell him this past Tuesday morning that he was the best kisser I’ve ever known. This was over text, since that’s his preferred method of communication and makes it easy during the workday. He replied with something along the lines of “Well, thank you. It’s nice to know I have a talent.” Ouch. I didn’t expect him to tell me I was the best kisser or anything like that. But at least a mention of having enjoyed himself or complimenting me on something else. Anything beyond what he said. I got ticked off about this but didn’t say anything about it. The message from him which I just quoted is the last contact I’ve had with him in 3 1/2 days. We’ll sometimes go for up to 2 days without contact, but this length of time seems very odd. It’s not like he actually said anything to break up with me, but I feel more and more rejected with each passing moment. Plus I’m not sure if I should just break things off with him anyway because it’s not looking like there’s any chance for love to bloom here. I don’t know if I’m ready to be looking for love, feel like I should be dating around anyway. This is the first time I’ve dated since college. I only really fully got over my divorce in December last year (the divorce was at the end of 2011). I don’t know what to do, but I’m feeling like this is a breakup and mourning for it like it is one. I’m going through all of the no-contact steps and have vowed to myself that I will at the very least not be the one to initiate contact. I just don’t know what to do. And if I should let go, how can I when I keep wanting to see him again? Even if he contacts me (which I realize seems very unlikely at this point), do I hold firm to no-contact?
Hello Kim, id say u hold firm to NC Rule… The first few days or even weeks are the hardest…later on, ull feel better and freed… Would things get better if you contacted him? Good luck
Thank you so much for the encouragement and advice! I’m taking it one day at a time, sometimes an hour or a minute at a time. I’ll get through this and on to better days, I just keep reminding myself of that.
Hello again kim, yes i used to set a 3-day goal of no contact and if i gave in, id go back to day 1 and re-start my 3 day goal… Then eddie suggested to start by the hour as 3-day goal is quite ambitious… Then i used to count the days of no contact… At this point, i lost count already and i feel like i got used to not contacting him… You’ll get used to it soon… Just be strong and try to distract urself… what i did was i googled and read about articles from the net about no contact rule and visit this sight when i was tempted to contact him…it was so hard and painful for me to stop myself from contacting him, so painful that i’d cry, even while driving, taking a shower, etc… Just carry on Kim…
Hi Eddie,
I’m just in a big pool of confusion, can you please shed some light on this:
My ex and I were together for almost 2 and a half years, and for the last three months of the relationship, he had been starting to go more distant because of stress with his job, and being tired in general. He broke up with me in January saying he still loved me but he wasn’t happy in the relationship. I was obviously incredibly blindsided and sad.I honestly tried NC for a good month and a half, but I broke down one night and told him I still missed him.
He told me he still loved me and missed me. He said he wasn’t attracted to anybody else but he’s scared of getting back together because he’s scared things will be different. He ended the conversation with he doesn’t know, and that he needs time to absorb everything. I don’t know what to do, should I just give up altogether? I don’t know why I’m fighting for him but I’m so scared that if I let him go, he’ll be gone forever. I just don’t know what to do.
I am sure that we all have gone through this pain…the pain of mentally visualizing past memories, whether it is a day at the park, walking through the malls, or even in the bed. How do you get past these memories? A lot of people tell me to throw away all of the picture and things that reminds me of her.. is that a good idea? Is there another solution? Or will I have to go through the pain of reliving these memories over and over .. and practically living with her ghost?
Hello Vuong, i wont suggest throwing away her photos… Whether or not you throw away her photos, the fact remains that she has been a special part of your life.. You cannot totally erase her out of your life/past by simply burning away her photos…those photos, im sure, were taken during good times… you cannot change that, you had good times together…. my personal opinins is to Just keep the photos somewhere…I threw gifts (even expensive ones) and other stuff, delete their emails but i never threw away photos…someday, somehow, you will want to see her photos and they will remind you of your goods times together…
However, if u think that that will help you recover and get over her, then it is your decision.. Just be sure that you wont regret it later on…
Thank you Anne. Do you still miss the good old times when you look at those photos and do you still want to get back with that significant other? When I look at these photos, it reminds me of how beautiful she is and I always ask myself, “why did I let her go?”
Hello Vuong, I dont look at the photos when i am not over my ex yet…When i get over them, i dont purposely look at them though… But for any reason that i see them, i usually remember both the good times and the bad times… Do u want to get over her? Then dont look at the photo! Hahaha!!!
but if u still love her, why dont u try to win her back, ur a guy anyway.. U shd do the chasing hahah 
Vuong i suggest you throw away or hide everything in your house that reminds you of your ex..may it be photos, gifts, clothes, etc. You will not need these anymore as the relationship is over. These things would only triggers for you to remember her and hold you from moving on with your life and your growth as a person. I also had problems with me remembering good memories with my ex but what I did was I would pinch myself everytime I remember something good about us and I remind myself of all the bad times that happened.. I even have a list of all the negative traits he has and all the negative experiences we had that caused the breakup or the distance between us. Reading it reminds me that the relationship will never be like how it was before if ever we would be back together.
I wish it was as easy as it sounds i keep telling my self im so miserable with him yet the thought of him being with someone new kill me i cant do the nc rule yet cuz he hasnt left yet and we have a son together and to top it of im 5months pregnant but i just cant keep on having the same arguments over and over weve seperated before and everytime i do the nc rule he looks for me after a week promises to change and that this time is gona be different and its not why do i keep kidding my self?????
Hey Eddie,
I need seriously help with my relationship issues. Me and my boyfriend was together since May 2012 and we recently split. We had out bad times but we had amazing times as well. He’s been dealing with a lot of issues relating to stress and since Christmas he said he has had trust issues but we plowed through. We both loved each other and on countless number of occasions he was like your the one and we used to talk about children and the future we could have together.
In the past weeks up to our breakup he text me saying he didn’t know what he wanted anymore and that he was unsure about us. I replied back but he didn’t but I woke up to six voicemails and sixteen missed calls to him declaring his love to me an he found out what he wanted and it was me. The next day I phone him and he was like dont take any notice, I was drunk but even if he was drunk there would be some reason behind him doing it. Things went from bad to worse from him hiding our relationship status on facebook to no contact what so ever. I was so emotional that I couldn’t take it anyone so I asked him and he was like I’m sorry my love its over. I’ve never loved anyone as much as I’ve loved you. I took the breakup pretty hard and constantly texting him begging him back but it didn’t seem to work. On Sunday, I said maybe I should give you time and he was like its over in sorry. But he said that if we’re meant to be together then it’ll happen and if not then we aren’t but he know now that its not the right time. What does this mean? Is there a chance for me and him again? What should I do?
Dear Eddie,
Too bad I didn’t discover this site sooner! Your site would have been helpful to me a few months ago. I am just now going through the final stages of my break up, I feel. I feel alive again! I no longer feel like a loser. I no longer feel ugly. What an amazing experience this has been. This breakup has thought me so much that I can’t even explain everything. It affected my mind, my heart and my way of life.
My girlfriend of nearly 3 years dumped me in mid-October 2012. At the time it felt like it was just all of a sudden. Although we had our issues, I was truly in love with her. There was talk about marriage and at the time I was happy to spend the rest of my life with her. We had such a special relationship – we did things that I feel I probably will not experience or talk about with any of my future partners.
We had so many issues however; One of our last issues was that I noticed we were spending less and less time together. We live about 5 minutes from each other yet somehow towards the end of our relationship, i was only able to see her every other weekend. One day when I complained about this, she said she wasn’t interested in “this” anymore and just dumped me like I never really meant much to her.
I spent the rest of october confused by the situation as I thought she was just in one of her “moods”. I tried reaching her to see if perhaps knowing how prideful she is, she just needed my help to fix a situation she created. I figured, I love this girl – I’ll put my pride aside for us. That wasn’t the case, she just reaffirmed she wasn’t interested in me anymore.
November came and I was so furious about the whole thing. I thought about the times towards the end of our relationship where I would just “bite my tongue” to avoid a fight. I allowed her to treat me so disrespectfully. I was also so lonely at this stage. Having to adjust my way of life made me sad. Thanksgiving came and went and I received not one call or email or anything. My heart (physically) hurt so much. I thought, how could she do this to me. I thought I was her one true love. It started sinking in that perhaps she had met someone, perhaps even during our relationship.
December came and seemed to go very slow… I still thought about her everyday. At this point I think I accepted it. So much so that I thought it was a good idea to wish my ex happy holidays/new year towards the end of the month. I think I just missed her and was okay with just knowing something about her. To my surprise she humored me and responded to my text. My mistake was that I began to tell her that I forgave her for how she handled our relationship in the end. At that point she just ignored my texts and I didn’t get any reply or anything.
All of January flew by (fast) … I met a few girls this month. I thought they were all not my style. Probably vice versa. I began to not care at this point.
Then came February. I continued no contact. On february 15th she emailed me “accidentally”. It was an email about some work related matter. I replyed and said “this must be meant for someone else”. She asked me how I was doing. We conversed about things via email. She told me she thought about me frequently. I didn’t say much – I didn’t know how to feel about it. Initial thoughts were – she dumped me for another guy and now she realized that the grass isn’t always greeneer. A few days went by and I invited her to a hockey game. Not because I wanted anything with her (relationship-wise) but I just figured – hey, I’m a guy. If the ex wants to be in the picture, emotionally, I can now handle such a situation. I’m over what we had. I am open to what life will bring me – I live now with no regrets and no excuses now. She declined.
Present time (March 2013) – I still think about her frequently. But it has gotten so much easier. I no longer hurt like I used to. I regret caving in last month. I should have handled that situation differently. I should have ignored her. See when we spoke, I told her she was a magnificent women and despite the fact that things were over, I still cared about her and wanted what was best for her. The reality of how things really are and how I feel is that I really don’t care about her anymore. I figured out that my obsession with the break up was mostly about me and not her.
My advise to people going through a recent break up. Grab the bull by it’s horns and just quit cold turkey. It will be hard and you will hurt so much. But by doing this, you will get over your ex faster. Meet people. Learn new things. Become a better you! You will realize that things didn’t work out between you and your ex because that person is not meant for you. There is somebody else out there – I am excited about meeting them!
Present time: May 1, 2013.
A few months ago I would have told you that i would have been nice and sweet with my ex after what she did to me.
How I now feel: I would thank that miserable troll for allowing me to meet such an interesting beautiful woman who i didn’t realize was missing in my life until i met her. I am no longer hurt but upset at my ex for the way she treated me during our relationship. I am at 100% with my self esteem – believe me when i say, it is probably best that i do not run in to her because i will be very vivid about all of her flaws in front of anybody she is with.
It’s been almost 4 weeks of NC . My x wanted to get back together with his x GF .
My pain has been up and down but this week is awful, I can hardly function.
When does the pain start subsiding?
Hello Joanne, no one can really tell.. There is no exact formula as to getting over an ex and exact healing time.. Uve done it for 4 weeks… Ur very strong! Carry on girl!
We have been I a relationship for 6 mnth den broke up we. Got back after few days.den we again broke up aftr few months..this time he asked me back again and I agree..within 15 days again his mind took over his heart..n we fought n broke up..I asked him out after a mnth he. Needs time to think..we stayed friends rather more than friends..I got impatient and told him I need my space and stopped contact but he too went into his shell and has been acting cordial but not initiating any conversation..what does it look like ?he is yet nt ready to deliver the answer and says its complicated…
I rely need you advice, I recently heartbroken but I 2 kids with my boyfriend and I would love to do the NCR, but I kids that we need to talk about, How NCR work.
I have been in a relationship with my ex for 7 years. We ended our relationship because I wasn’t ready to convert as she’s a Muslim and my career wasn’t stable at that time. We broke up for 7 months and in those 7 months things changed, I started realizing that she’s the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. So I started preparing myself religiously and career wise to be prepared for a commitment, responsibility and be a good provider towards her. I’ve made a lot of sacrifices to change myself to be prepared to face her and spend the rest of my life with her.
So this is how it goes, When we were in our 7 year relationship she at that time was always asking me what’s my future plan for our relationship and at that time she was hoping to get married to me. Yes she is all I want and need to spend my entire life with but I wasn’t at all ready as I was in a mess and I didn’t want to hurt her or let her struggle with being with me and face the burdens I’m going through at that time. So that’s why I had to end the relationship.
After 7 months of breaking up and being apart from her, I prepared myself and was ready to face her and let her know that she is all I want and I am finally ready for her. When I approached her with this she than replied that she has moved on and is starting to basically date again and start knowing new people. I accepted the rejection and yes I did beg and cry for another chance but it made me look desperate but I love her so much. So I let her be and after 2 days she contacts me and says that this is what she wants which is to be with me. I instantly felt like the happiest man alive, I was so happy that I can’t even find the word to express my feelings.
My happiness lasted for only 4 days, on the 4th day we met and she said she’s uncertain about her feelings. So I told her not to rush things and we can use this opportunity to take it slow and yes we took it slow and just enjoyed each other’s companionship. After 3 days she ended our relationship and I accepted it as I believe there’s no point in pushing her and forcing her to be with me. After a few days we than met up for just a friendly dinner and surprisingly she treated it like we were on a date. We were acting like a couple and we were making out in the cinema and in her car, I didn’t ask or question her what is this all about because I deeply love her and wish things could continue to be like this. After a week she calls me up and said that she has made up her mind that we should move on and the past 7 years of us being together is just a learning chapter of her life which is hard for me to digest.
It has been a week since we broke up now, I didn’t talk or communicate with her for 4 days and just recently we have been exchanging small text messages to know how one is doing that’s all.
Dear Eddie, I am seriously confused, depressed and going hey wire here. I don’t know what to do or think. Yes, I do want to win my ex back and go on with my life.
Dear Eddie,
very confused… My bf walked out after moving into my house for a month we had argued solidly for three days, but had had some difficulties for a couple of months or so…
Was mostly about pressure, him moving in with no job, me feeling pressured with heaps of other things. He had announced he was going back home to see a friend (although had given me not a bean for house) I went bonkers as felt alone with things, but he saw that as needy and clingy I guess… And that I was insecure…
He left in a bad way, me crying, him saying no more and wasn’t working. I have found him bossy and controlling at times and he has recently had an informal diagnosis of a functional issue in his frontal lobe.
As he was leaving though, he just said he needed a few days to clear his head and that I never apologise for anything…
I txt him the next day saying sorry for my part in it all and wanted to work things out and left it at that. He txt the next day asking if I was ok……anyway things have gone from there really, BUT, there is no emotion from him, and I have a hunch he is making eyes at someone else (messages on fone, hiding fone, different Internet usage now- I’ve seen him a couple of times since he walked out and I’ve challenged him since I saw a message pop up on his fone, he denies everything and says they are friends and he had asked for her no when he had seen her in town to catch up?!?) But this is a girl who had previously asked him out and has recently split with her bf (although he said not, but I know different-Facebook)
I don’t really understand what’s going on tbh, he says yes to working stuff out but no play towards that yet (although pur circumstances haven’t changed anyway yet) and I know I’m being over emotional on txt, he is a needy guy and think he’s felt a bit neglected too and isolated living away from home town….. Its all still raw, but I’m weirded out by this… Had this txt from him today :-
“We just have to take our time and things will work themselves out and be what they will be without any pressures. Just let things take their natural course………” That was in response to a message I had sent saying it was all a bit weird …and he still rings me most days up to now …
Although is weird….
What does all that mean? And what do I do?? I do still love him, but not sure of his intentions and my hunch about another woman now is quite concrete tbh……
Please help!
Thankyou…
Well, I am writing again, it has been a bit later and I notice that Eddie has not responded since my first email awhile back to any who have written on this stream-maybe he is not reading this one any more. I have continued to date and listened to the sites that say I am just not happy enough with my life if I am not over this person etc and have continued with no contact but it really has not helped to help me forget the love I feel for this person. I am happy with my life-I am moving ahead with my career-my kids are amazing and I date all sorts of guys that are great people but i just did not make the connection with them that I did with this socially awkward doc in 14 years of dating. I just loved him-he was like a breath of fresh air., And when he told me he did not want to marry my heart was broken. He was not perfect or even gorgeous-I just loved him and I miss him every day. It is just sad that no contact does not seem to make it better when everyone says it is so great. Maybe all this break up psycho babble is just that. Maybe we have to rationalize that we are going to be without that person and try to deaden it with no contact. Oh well.
I was contacted last summer by an ex boyfriend,,, we had dated for 1 year in the past – 12 years ago. At that time, I didn’t want marriage nor any more children but he did. I went on vacation for a week and didn’t contact him, he didn’t try to contact me either – we assumed we were broken up and went about our lives. A few months after we break up, he meets a woman just out of college, ready to marry & have kids. He eventually married her, has 2 kids but his marriage is not working. And she basically tells him to leave because he found a very good job 3 hours away and she didn’t want to move. He moves to this new city, new job without his family and his wife filed for divorce within a few days of he leaving. A couple months of being in his new job etc, he emails me. We emailed a couple times back and forth and he asked to call me – He still had my phone number from 12 years ago. He called, we caught up on each other’s lives. He said he tried to contact me at various times throughtout the years but I was not around when he called. This was true because my kids would tell me some man called but he never would leave his name. He said he just wanted to say hi, thats all. He told me all about his marriage, the inlaws, kids etc. We talked every few days for about a week. I then decided that he was just getting a divorce and I didn’t want to be involved with him but after his dust settled he can reach out to me then. He called me in less than a week after that,,,, We talked daily and we didn’t see each other for 6 wks because he lives over 2 hours away. We finally started seeing each other every other weekend cuz he works every other weekend too. Things are going well,,,, he’s glad we reconnected.. told me I was his soul mate… he wanted to express more feelings to me but he knew his divorce wasnt final yet even though he was glad to be getting divorced… He recognized so many things that were wrong in his marriage and his controlling wife. Because of the divorce, his house is in foreclouse, his car is about to be repocessed (hasn’t been able to make payments on it for 8 months), has several thousand dollars in credit card debt that are garnsshing his wages now. When I knew him 12 years he wouldn’t let this happen. He feels really bad he cant pay everything, he drives 65 miles round trip to work and spends nearly $200 month in gas. He has to drive 4 hours to go to court for the divorce and also to see his kids which the soon to be ex has played games with him about that so he has only seen his kids 4 tims in the past 10 months. He would call me at least twice day every day and he was grateful I would listen to him & admitted I was sick of listening to it but knew he had to get if off his chest. Then for no reason he stopped calling me,,,for 3 days. I called & left him voice messages – just once a day – just saying I was worried about him & all he was going through and that he mentioned a few days ago that his heart was racing because of all the debt and the impending repossion. He finally called & I was sleeping so he left vm telling me not to worry ,, he doesn’t think he’s going to make it with everything going on where he is and he was sick of talking about the same stuff over and over so he just figured that if he didn’t have anything new to say he wouldn’t say anthing, nothing to call about and he said thats all thas going on with him and he’ll leave it at that. He’s sick of dragging me into all his stuff. I called him back and told him, i feel for him, I will be there for him but i don’t know what i can do. He said theres nothing, it was his mess and it is what it is. He called then next night for about 15 minutes. I called him 3 days ago and he was cleaning his apt. in hopes that he would have his kids this weekend. probably spoke for 15 min and I told him he could call me later tonight and he said that sounded like a good plan. He never called. I haven’t tried to call him. So I guess Ive made it to day 3 but its been difficult. If he wants to break up, please let me know, I can respect that – we live about 3 hrs apart so its not like I would go over to his place… and he would be the one to make the majority of phone calls. We are in our mid forties and i don’t want to play games. I believe he has anxiety and possible depression but I’m not a doctor. He did admit a while ago the he thinks he might have a little bit of anxiety. My question is do I leave a vm or email telling him that thinks its best we step away from one another until he’s ready ?? I have toiletries, clothes & some other personal items at his place that I would like to get back so how do I ask to get those ? Not worth driving 2 hrs but maybe he could ship them to me ? Any and all advice is welcome.
This is just the hardest thing to go through. For whatever reason my ex has some kid of power over me. He can say such mean things and somehow I always end up apologizing and crawling back for things that aren’t even my fault. I wish I was strong enough to break the cycle. I really feel like crawling in a hole and dying but I can’t because I have 4 precious children counting on me. But I’m really at a point of giving up on life.
Dear Eddie,
Thanks for having this site…im into this situation..when i went MIA or NC rule i was bombarded with messages coming from him. I confronted him and ask him what situation are we right now he says “DONT YOU WANT US FRIENDS, AND LETS SEE WHERE IT LEADS US” so CRAPPPYY…i made the decision, if he couldnt then i will. I decided and settled everything in civil way as much as i could and didnt even blame him…what’s the use of getting angry and crying in front of him…no used its all done…and before we parted ways he told me he will miss whether i believe it or not…and he was feeling like guilty..DUHH as of now i went NC deleted all possible ways that i could communicate with him (anyway i dont even know that there’s no US at all) hahaha…and the regretful part is we’ve been friends for more than 10 years and we only have 3 months romantic relationship. I couldnt go being friends with him…it’s confusing, torture and really if i dont hear from him its killing and i guess make it difficult for myself.
eddie, drove past my ex today and saw her in a totally unexpected place, hope this hasn’t broken my n.c.
Dear Eddie
I thank you for this site.It has helped me alot,ofcourse I’m not yet completely healed but Im
feeling better,I can say say am beter.I’m on day 61 of NC & day 70 of break up.NC realy works.my mind is now free though I think about her sometimes,but I’m much better than before. Now Im still deciding on what to do next…advise!
Thank you Eddie.
Hi there,
I’m a 26yearold female and I’m independant. I work in the big city in Australia and consider myself to be strong, compassionate and good natured.
I met a man via Instagram (hold the judgment…). We had a date and hit it off. Having already talked for 1.5 months on the phone, we felt more than connected.
We shared our joys, aches, goals and ambitions, fears, comedies and tragedies.
After meeting me and dating a few times, we decided to begin an exclusive relationship. Then, he decided to move to the big city (from a small town) to be with me.
He rented his own apartment and while it was small , he seemed happy.
But once he found out my salary (corporate job) , in addition to confessing he was QUITE religious (Jehovah’s witness), and the reality of living in an expensive city with a barista salary, he changed…
He started pulling away and becoming resentful of people with money. Saying he wished that when he walked into a restaurant he wasnt told to wait and sit for a while, that they’d automatically know who he was and fuss over him.
He suddenly wanted to quit his new cafe job (only 2 weeks after having quit his country cafe job). He took a new ‘cooler’ cafe job.
He started to pull away from me in his sweetness. The sex was still the same, but he seemed a little more pensive and ‘away’ at times.
He confessed to feeling down on himself, wishing he left the country earlier, hungry for success and money and status , not sure about religion (though getting annoyed at me when I didn’t know certain things in the bible), and just an overall sense of entitlement .
When we started talking, I liked his ambition . But he was also grounded and seemingly aware of the “bigger things” in life like friends, family, morality and joy. Now, it’s like all he cares about is the superficial. And I almost feel like he is competing with me but won’t say it.
The other day he mentioned a dead end job which would pay what I currently earn. He told me he was considering it. I supported his enthusiasm but I feel he just wants to “one up” me – and I know he would hate the job, it’s a parking officer!
Anyway, I opened up dialogue about how I didn’t like the vibe I was getting and he told me he was just experiencing low self esteem and felt he was inadequate for me. We talked it through and hugged and cried and then made up and made love – we had dinner and he talked more about his ambitions.
Then a week later after I’d been on a family vacation – he talked more (after I elicited). We both cried again and got emotional. I was struggling with him treating me differently and was trying to be there for him but he said he’s never had someone “there” for him before . And finds it hard. After pushing, I gave in. I told him he seemed to want to sort himself out with my support so I’d let him do just that. He said sorry I just can’t do it right now.
Now I’m on day one of no contact.
I know it’s naive , but I really felt that he loved me. I just feel like once he saw my writing (I’m a creative writer), learned of my salary, and saw my independence – he freaked out! Though then again, maybe he’s just not that into me (as they say). It’s just hard to correlate his drastic decision to move, with his level of intimacy and friendship – to this sudden shift and need for money, status and prestige. It’s like it’s blinding him!
I feel hurt and humiliated – I somehow think him doing this (pulling away) gives him an ego boost to see a strong woman cry, but, I do think that I’m better off not being with him. He’s too much work!
Could have used this site a couple months ago… My ex of 1 year had an affair with a member of her running team while away in South America for a month. My trip to meet her was cancelled as she didn’t say anything about the affair, but said she was having second thoughts about our relationship.
Fast forward to her arrival home where she dumps me and continues seeing this other guy. We spend almost 2 months wavering between what she wants all the while she is still sleeping with this other guy and spending plutonic time with me.
She sends many mixed messages of regret, confusion and being overwhelmed. I fight hard in this time to win her back, but ultimately I believe I’m pushing her away.
10 days ago she says she us not sure if she loves me as she couldn’t have done what she did to someone she loves.
She leaves my apartment and we have had no contact since (but I’ve been told by friends that her and the other guy are inseparable). I’m shocked and saddened that she hasn’t reached out to apologize for the hurt she put in me… Or even just check in on me. I don’t know why I had expectations, but I did. Now I realize its unlikely ill ever have true contact with her again let alone have an opportunity to reconcile.
Day 10 and its getting harder to do this… It’s time I start opening my eyes and looking to date other woman.
I was with my ex for 7 months, known him for a year. We were fighting a lot because of outside circumstances, then my ex dumped me 3 months ago, it started off as a “break” not a “break up” but he never wanted to deal with the issues when we were on the break. So I got angry one day and said, “you don’t really want me back, stop keeping me on a hook”. And he said, my attitude was despicable and said it was over forever.
But he never let go of me, he said I was his best friend and soul mate, he was in love with me as a friend, and kept in touch. Maybe more than when we were together, spent 2-3 hours texting, consoling me, and getting consoled by me. I always end up thinking he wants more, and try to ask him if he does, and every time it ends up with him telling me he doesn’t love me romantically.
Not only that, but with each time I ask him if he wants to rekindle, he tells me “up until this point, I did have some hope, but you being pushy has made me realize there is no hope”. He said that 3-4 times.
A month ago I went NC, IT ONLY LASTED A WEEK. We slipped back to the “friendship” , it was even deeper and richer than before, he treats me like a princess, texts me first and last thing during his day. Any good news I am the first to hear, etc.
Then i asked him if he wanted more yesterday, and he said, so far there was a 0.01% and by asking again, I brought it down to 0.
He told me he treats me no differently than his other friends….
Anyways I blocked him again and hour 4 of NC…. I really hope it works