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Will No-Contact Get Your Ex Back?

The No-Contact Rule is a necessity. That’s what most breakup survivors find out the hard way, often after weeks of trying to be friends with their Ex, and suffering through pain and humiliation.

But can it also be a weapon to get back the Ex? Is it ok to still have hope?

Today’s question is from Daniel, who wants to know the answer to these exact questions.

Can we get our Ex back with No-Contact?

Can we?

Please read on.

Eddie,

I’m on Day 25 of NC, this is Day 39 of the breakup.

Long story short, one day we were looking at rings together and talking excitedly about marriage, then the next she broke things off and her reasoning sounded a lot like cold feet, jitters, deep-seated emotional issues like fear of abandonment, intimacy and commitment.

It’s basically her issues and not mine.

I managed to avoid the usual mistakes of begging and groveling to take me back and not giving her her space.

I’m doing NC because it’s ultimately about me and healing, not about winning her back. But emotionally, I want to reconcile and want her back.

In your opinion, will I give up this hope over time as her radio silence continues, and do you advocate NC as the only possible route to reconciliation?

I am having a real rough time accepting the relationship is over. Emotionally it’s like she flipped a switch. And I realize NC prevents me from saying and doing things now I will later regret.

Dear Daniel,

First of all – I know exactly where you are coming from. Two of the most hurtful things during a breakup are the feelings of being blindsided and suddenly alone, as well as the crushed plans you’ve had together for the future.

“What the hell just happened?”, you ask yourself. Our mind usually reacts with numbness. You find yourself in the middle of the “denial-stage”.

Somehow you make it through the days, and at one point sooner or later you make an important realization, (if you’re lucky) – I can’t go on like this. I can’t keep contact with them and at the same time heal.

So you go No-Contact.

Wise decision.

But does No-Contact mean giving up the hope of getting back together? And better yet, is No-Contact a way to reconciliation?

Let me tell you this right away – the hope of getting back together is deeply wired into you. It’s what the heart says.

Now, usually I always recommend to listen to your heart, but NOT this time.

No.

You must know this – someone who just went through a fresh breakup isn’t thinking straight, like a brain damaged, love-blind fool, (sorry to sound so harsh, but its a good metaphor).

All they care about is getting back to the times as they used to be.

The friendship, the love, the understanding, the nearness.

But the head knows better. It shows problems that existed in the relationship, the bad sides of the Ex, the fact that what once is broken rarely gets fixed again to what it was before.

All this knows the head.

But unfortunately not the heart.

No-Contact is the way of listening to the head.

It is doing what is best for YOU as a person.

Will it get your Ex back?

To be honest, it is very unlikely.  Sorry for speaking it out loud, I know this hurts. There were reasons for breaking up and they still exist. They won’t vanish after no contact.

But the HOPE will be present for some time.

It is good to know and to accept that, and to know where it’s coming from. Eventually it will fade, and the heart will look for new ways. This is when healing truly begins, when we fully accept and take responsibility for what happened.

Only then can we learn from the experience and grow with it.

Everyone who just started No-Contact will have a hard bumpy road ahead. You will struggle, fall and stand up again. You will encounter obstacles, road blocks that you must avoid.  Your Ex may try to contact you, your Ex is a co-worker, you have kids together, you will miss them, the temptation of contacting will be almost unbearable.

It will be difficult, maybe the most difficult thing you’ve done, but it’s so worth it.

It’s so worth it.

No-Contact will cut your healing time to a fraction.

It’s true. I know this from my own experience and from coaching so many clients.

My advice to you Daniel is to NOT give in to your emotions. They are sending a false signal. Listen to your head, remember the “bad times”, and try not to idealize your relationship.

Take it day-by-day, week-by-week.

And one day you will suddenly feel MUCH better. Just like you flipped a switch.

Promise.

Do you think that no-contact is a way of getting the Ex back? Please share your thoughts in the comment section below.

Your friend,
Eddie Corbano

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483 Responses to Will No-Contact Get Your Ex Back?

  1. Juan June 15, 2015 at 11:15 pm #

    I was in a serious relationship for about 3 years.
    We had a split up in March due to her Ex making threats to her children about me being no good and not to be with me.
    She broke up with me. I pleaded (Mistake) then started the NC rule. After almost a month she contacted me via friends phone and asked me if I was mad. She told me she missed me and loved me.
    We got back together and that lasted almost 2 months.
    Now in early June a similar situation happened again, but with my children. She broke it off again. I did the pleading again with no response from her. I started NC again.
    Friends of mine tell me that she’ll be back again. Through a friend she told them that she loved me & missed me, but to have patience, trust and not to worry.
    Any help I would appreciate it.

  2. Kaylakarma July 7, 2015 at 10:04 pm #

    DO NOT , EVER, contact the ex that broke up with you!!!!
    PLEASE DONT ! Trust me!! I wish I had followed this advise myself. Listen to me now , if u want to get ur ex back OR move on and be happy, either way: do not ever contact , chase or stalk your ex. Do not let them know you are hurting. It will only push them away and make your healing far worse. Do not ever have sex with an ex. If he wanted you as his gf he would not disrespect you by dumping you but still sleeping with you.
    I made all the mistakes imaginable and for FOUR MONTHS I not only chased cried begged texted a million times but I also let him take advantage of my pain and sleep with me on a regular basis . The only thing I got from it all was severe debilitating depression that lasted far too long and finding out I was the side chick while he pursued a new relationship when he had been telling me he just needs time and space he was starting something new we even started hanging out again and he gave me hope for about a month things were great then one day he wouldn’t respond to me and I went crazy. Turns out he I was with the new girl
    I know for a fact he was a piece of crap and never deserved my tears constant texts and definitely not sex I should have walked away he used me abused me and broke me and it’s my own fault for allowing it
    Do not ever contact ur ex or sleep with him
    Move on- NOW.

  3. Leo September 7, 2015 at 4:40 pm #

    Our exes broke up with us for a reason. Whether we know what the reason is or not is irrelevant. Contacting them only puts the power back in their hands and leave us demoralized and degraded. Stick to the No Contact rule at all costs! It took me about eight weeks of torturing myself before I found Eddie’s material and began to implement it. I wish I had it on day one! Typically the exes will try to contact us for a number of reasons. They might actually miss us, they might want to know if we’ve moved on, but none of that matters either. DO NOT give in. Don’t answer the phone or respond to the text! It will feel good for a moment and then your entire world will come crashing down on you! And you are back to square one!

  4. Mdu December 20, 2015 at 2:45 pm #

    Hi guys thank you for your stories, I really must say its helping somehow to know that I’m not the only one in this boat. And its only my 1st day of NC n I’ve got 59 more days to go :) …I’ve made a mistake of taking my ex back although she’s 2 hours flight away from where Iam, she told me she was certain about us and I believed her because of the way she said it and she was calling me constantly. After months she decided she didn’t wanna be in a long distance and left me like that, because she claims its no use because she’ll be going back to where she intern for another year. She claims she loves us but can’t bare the distance n the financial strain and we love each other but can’t be close.. I’ve learned one thing that women will sweet talk you and leave you hanging just to fuel them self back to their attention sicking behavior, and once they have that they’ll be on to the next one. Love is really blind :)

  5. Esperanza December 29, 2015 at 6:03 am #

    My boyfriend of 8 months broke up with me via text saying that I am a wonderful person but he needs time to find a solution to a problem he is having of course both of us met at work. He works a lot hours but I was fine with that because I am not a needy girl. My tire blow out on to a all girl weekend. I called him and he called to make sure that I was okay but the next day he never showed any type of concern and I was bothered by the fact that he was so cold. When I got back home I told him I need to talk him in person so that I could express my feelings about what happened but the next day I got this long text from him about that we should take a break and then it was we are breaking up. I am heart broken because he told me he loves me but he needs to learn how to be happy so that way he can make who ever his with happy of I called and texted him and asking a lot of questions. So he has been cold by not responding to my texts. I want to be with him but I know he is going through something how do I deal with seeing him at work and avoid calling him or texting him ? Do I let him chase me or should I keep trying to let him know that I want him back? Help please

  6. jarjar December 30, 2015 at 2:36 pm #

    My partner of 4 years has sent and deleted texts to someone at work who he didnt really know but who used to rent a room out. He briefly moved in with when her after a row. The issue with this was, it was a standing joke that she was attracted to him. He was only gone 4 days but this was the second time he’d left, the first time was 6 months previously, On both occasions, he blamed his depression and that he felt he was burdenning me and dragging me down. The fact he wasn’t helping around the house etc left me criticising him at times as this was really difficult for me, so he said that made him feel unloved.
    The fact he;d moved in with someone who had a crush on him felt like a betrayal to me. When we got back togther he deleted her number and said he’d not contact her again. After another fall out, he messaged her telling her he missed her?????? He apologised and said he was just feeling sorry for himself. I told him if he ever deleted texts or fb messages again, we would be over. That was a year ago. Since then, we have been really happy. We’ve just gone through a lovely xmas and I find he’d messaged her and deleted it on xmas eve? From her reply, it was obvious there had been a few messages. I threw him out.
    I’m on day 3 of no contact. He is renting her room again. I have heard absolutely nothing from him until today, a text asking for some items he’d left and could I leave them outside for him. I replied saying a brief yes.
    I’m absolutely devastated that this has happened again. I cannot believe he would jeapordise everything we have just to message a woman he barely knows?? He has told friends its completely over between us. I’m beside myself with grief and don’t understand why he isn’t grovelling back apologising for his mistake?

  7. darey daffysefs January 16, 2016 at 8:25 pm #

    I want to don NC rule after my breakup with my gf but d truth is dat she broke up with me cos wey had a distance relationship and I wasn’t taking her calls for weeks bcos I wasn’t Happy, what do I do?!!

  8. JM January 20, 2016 at 6:36 am #

    I met this Guy 2 years ago and we actually worked together he was a manager of a department and I was a retail associate we were friends for a while at first and flirty with each other, so we both decided to go out on a date and had a really good time we also had alot of things in common we both were going through a divorce and we just clicked from the beginning, So we decided to start dating and seeing each other, we both weren’t looking for anything serious and he wasn’t looking for a relationship or a commitment right away so after about 5 months he got a job offered and decided to take it so we decided to just be friends and see where this whole thing takes us so we kept in touch through text messages and saw each other when he was in town for work we had a very flirty sexy amazing relationship with each other and we were off and on for about a year we kept telling each other that we were just friends but it was more than that. We had our disagreements and our differences but we kept coming back to each other, One weekend I went to go see him and we were supposed to meet for beers but said that he had to do close the store because one of his managers called out sick and couldn’t find someone to close and wasn’t able to meet me so I told him work is work I was disappointed but understand, so I went to go surprise him at work and come to find out he had left early from work and was gone for the day so I text him and said that he was such a Lier didn’t hear back from him at all that night but I got a text from him the next morning saying that I was right he never closed the store and he went home to take a nap thinking that we were going to meet up later but woke up to my text saying that he was such a lier and went out with a buddy instead and pretty much said that I had trust issues and that I was not a good person told me not to contact him or text him anymore that he was deleting my number I was so hurt, confused, and just shocked its been like 4 weeks and I haven’t heard from him. I saw him a week ago and we talked it was OK I found out that his store is closing and that he has to relocate so he has a lot going on right now but I am still confused about everything should I give him space for a while ? Let him contact me? I still have really strong feelings for him and I told him that I will always care and love him and he will always be my Friend. What should I do ? I am hoping that we can work this out and give it another chance.

    • Marce January 31, 2016 at 8:47 pm #

      Hi JM
      Yes I think it’s best you give him the space he obviously needs.
      The only trust issues you have is HIM blatantly lying to you and therefore you are fully justified in the way you feel. He turned everything around by saying YOU have trust issues because HE feels rotten and guilty about lying to you….
      If he didn’t want to meet up with you, why did he not just say so instead of fabricating a ‘tale’ and a series of false events.
      Stay away from him, let him contact you…..
      If he never does, so be it – he is just not that into you. Hurtful I know, but it’s the truth of the matter and you will just have to accept it and move on.
      If he does make contact, explain to him that even though you have feelings for him, you will not accept him lying to you.
      Tell him you are looking for a transparent, open and trustworthy relationship whether it be platonic or romantic.
      Ask yourself, “If any of my other friends did this to me, would I be angry, upset, etc.?”
      The answer would be YES because whether we are in love with someone or not, friends need to be trusted.

  9. Dracutefun February 8, 2016 at 10:15 am #

    We were dating for an year. Although sometime into the relationship we had some altercation that I wasn’t opening up. I take time to open up and give myself. That time she broke up with me but eventually we got back together. We had an amazing time together. Outside, in the bed and at work. We work at the same place but different departments. She always wanted more of time and would make big issues of small things. We fought many a times and she compared me with her exes. I hated that. I too broke up once but got back together in a day. Recently, she had been away, after 8days she got back. I was texting her and asking her since morning about her flight details and everything. But she said my battery isn’t working so will tell you later. But she got back and I was just waiting. We then met up for lunch for an hour but I went into my mood (not very proud of it). She took it negatively. Anyway it was all fine. I expressed my displeasure in night and we had a small fight. She didn’t text the whole day. I got drunk the next night and called her. We got back but I called her a few things( again not proud). HSE took offense to it. It took her three days to get over it. Then we were back to normal and livery dovey for two days. Little did i know that was the last time. I had to go out of town for a conference. She was busy behind, I texted her multiple times but she replied vaguely. Oh in between we had decided to be friends, kissing friends we called each other, to know each other better. We were both serious. After getting back it was at night that I asked her to meet me, she was working on something important. But she met anyhow, for 20mins. But told me because of me she couldn’t do anything. I felt bad. The next day we didn’t meet or talk much. But we met the subsequent day and I told her I feel very distant from u. She then said don’t say hurtful things. I was little restless and angry, texted her -text me once you are done with this. In couple of hours texted her normally too. But she took it in a different sense. And she broke up with me. I took it sportingly for the time. But started apologising and being miserable from the next day. Because I was suddenly dead to her next day. I apologised, asked her to get back but no. She said’ I am frustrated and scarred. I love you so much and wanted you so badly but I can’t be with you.’ I begged her to be with me, am going through a bad phase in career. She was very supportive otherwise. She said that’s what my plan was but not anymore. Then I just couldn’t stop being with her. Kept on texting her, calling her and meeting her for a week. Then one day I called her and told every deep dark thought and insecurity of myself. She just didn’t reply. She was busy at work that night and day next. I called her four tines but she said I am busy. Then by evening she said I am not feeling well. She slept. I too didn’t call her after that. She came near me at work but I ignored her. I started no contact. But was missing her terribly. In between went to parties. Got wasted, girls threw themselves at me ( they do that even when sober but that night I literally had to run away from all). I still kept myself committed. One day she just came up to me in the corridor and gave me my stuff back. That she had for a few months. I felt bad and miserable. Tried to follow her but refrained myself. The next day I eventually asked her out for lunch. We met for a while but she had to go. So we met after work. There I requested her to restart it and start afresh. From a clean slate. She said she can never start from clean slate. We again spoke about my deep thoughts. Then she said she was tired of me not opening up. Of me bringing up my wall every time something happened. And a few other things. We parted cordially with her crying and saying “I loved you so much that it kills me to see that this didn’t work out. I wanted you so bad. Take care.” She came for the hug and kissed me on cheeks. Then she left. That same night I spoke to one of my girl friends about this all. She had at one point of time asked me out, multiple times actually, but I was committed. She explained me in her way she was using me. I didn’t believe it but like a fool and in an emotional state, called her. She got so angry and started crying ‘that this is what it had become now. You are ruining whatever special and amazing we shared’. I asked sorry and explained I was vulnerable. She said I’ll for the last time keep my self respect aside and be friends with u. Don’t abuse it again. Met her once at work and we both smiled at each other while crossing. But I am missing her terrible. I want her back in life. I couldn’t open up because of my insecurities. But she gave herself to me. I want her. Please help me. I’m on no contact again for 8 days after breaking no contact last week.

  10. smarterthanhimnow February 11, 2016 at 4:54 am #

    My ex and i broke up last week of november. I started no contact until i got breadcrumbs from him over the holidays. Merry Christmas,happy new year blah blah. It gave me hope that we would get back together somehow.
    January comes and i greeted him on his birthday. We talked and he said he wanted to remain friends. Red flag!
    Remaining friends gives you hope and you stay on,waiting for a text or a call. You think about every word said,you analyze everything. When something good or bad happens in your daily life,you think if you should tellhim or not – you decided to be friends,right? The hell,it almost drove me crazy. Start of February,I knew i couldn’t do it anymore.
    I come first now. Me. Myself. I. Self love, self esteem, self worth. January 31 I told him i couldn’t stay friends anymore. I had to love myself again and stop hoping. He was still typing a message back to that message when i said goodbye and that i couldnt be friends. I blocked him from all messaging apps, skype, facebook and instagram. It’s me time now. I come first.
    There is someone out there for us dumpees. Something better. And i am ending this relationship,letting go. Because if i wont, i am hindering my something wonderful from happening.
    No contact is is. Block. Unfollow. Defriend.
    Only way to heal.
    Goodluck to us all!

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