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Will No-Contact Get Your Ex Back?

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The No-Contact Rule is a necessity. That’s what most breakup survivors find out the hard way, often after weeks of trying to be friends with their Ex, and suffering through pain and humiliation.

But can it also be a weapon to get back the Ex? Is it ok to still have hope?

Today’s question is from Daniel, who wants to know the answer to these exact questions.

Can we get our Ex back with No-Contact?

Can we?

Please read on.


I’m on Day 25 of NC, this is Day 39 of the breakup.

Long story short, one day we were looking at rings together and talking excitedly about marriage, then the next she broke things off and her reasoning sounded a lot like cold feet, jitters, deep-seated emotional issues like fear of abandonment, intimacy and commitment.

It’s basically her issues and not mine.

I managed to avoid the usual mistakes of begging and groveling to take me back and not giving her her space.

I’m doing NC because it’s ultimately about me and healing, not about winning her back. But emotionally, I want to reconcile and want her back.

In your opinion, will I give up this hope over time as her radio silence continues, and do you advocate NC as the only possible route to reconciliation?

I am having a real rough time accepting the relationship is over. Emotionally it’s like she flipped a switch. And I realize NC prevents me from saying and doing things now I will later regret.

Dear Daniel,

First of all – I know exactly where you are coming from. Two of the most hurtful things during a breakup are the feelings of being blindsided and suddenly alone, as well as the crushed plans you’ve had together for the future.

“What the hell just happened?”, you ask yourself. Our mind usually reacts with numbness. You find yourself in the middle of the “denial-stage”.

Somehow you make it through the days, and at one point sooner or later you make an important realization, (if you’re lucky) – I can’t go on like this. I can’t keep contact with them and at the same time heal.

So you go No-Contact.

Wise decision.

But does No-Contact mean giving up the hope of getting back together? And better yet, is No-Contact a way to reconciliation?

Let me tell you this right away – the hope of getting back together is deeply wired into you. It’s what the heart says.

Now, usually I always recommend to listen to your heart, but NOT this time.


You must know this – someone who just went through a fresh breakup isn’t thinking straight, like a brain damaged, love-blind fool, (sorry to sound so harsh, but its a good metaphor).

All they care about is getting back to the times as they used to be.

The friendship, the love, the understanding, the nearness.

But the head knows better. It shows problems that existed in the relationship, the bad sides of the Ex, the fact that what once is broken rarely gets fixed again to what it was before.

All this knows the head.

But unfortunately not the heart.

No-Contact is the way of listening to the head.

It is doing what is best for YOU as a person.

Will it get your Ex back?

To be honest, it is very unlikely.  Sorry for speaking it out loud, I know this hurts. There were reasons for breaking up and they still exist. They won’t vanish after no contact.

But the HOPE will be present for some time.

It is good to know and to accept that, and to know where it’s coming from. Eventually it will fade, and the heart will look for new ways. This is when healing truly begins, when we fully accept and take responsibility for what happened.

Only then can we learn from the experience and grow with it.

Everyone who just started No-Contact will have a hard bumpy road ahead. You will struggle, fall and stand up again. You will encounter obstacles, road blocks that you must avoid.  Your Ex may try to contact you, your Ex is a co-worker, you have kids together, you will miss them, the temptation of contacting will be almost unbearable.

It will be difficult, maybe the most difficult thing you’ve done, but it’s so worth it.

It’s so worth it.

No-Contact will cut your healing time to a fraction.

It’s true. I know this from my own experience and from coaching so many clients.

My advice to you Daniel is to NOT give in to your emotions. They are sending a false signal. Listen to your head, remember the “bad times”, and try not to idealize your relationship.

Take it day-by-day, week-by-week.

And one day you will suddenly feel MUCH better. Just like you flipped a switch.


Do you think that no-contact is a way of getting the Ex back? Please share your thoughts in the comment section below.

Your friend,
Eddie Corbano

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504 Responses to Will No-Contact Get Your Ex Back?

  1. Juan June 15, 2015 at 11:15 pm #

    I was in a serious relationship for about 3 years.
    We had a split up in March due to her Ex making threats to her children about me being no good and not to be with me.
    She broke up with me. I pleaded (Mistake) then started the NC rule. After almost a month she contacted me via friends phone and asked me if I was mad. She told me she missed me and loved me.
    We got back together and that lasted almost 2 months.
    Now in early June a similar situation happened again, but with my children. She broke it off again. I did the pleading again with no response from her. I started NC again.
    Friends of mine tell me that she’ll be back again. Through a friend she told them that she loved me & missed me, but to have patience, trust and not to worry.
    Any help I would appreciate it.

  2. Kaylakarma July 7, 2015 at 10:04 pm #

    DO NOT , EVER, contact the ex that broke up with you!!!!
    PLEASE DONT ! Trust me!! I wish I had followed this advise myself. Listen to me now , if u want to get ur ex back OR move on and be happy, either way: do not ever contact , chase or stalk your ex. Do not let them know you are hurting. It will only push them away and make your healing far worse. Do not ever have sex with an ex. If he wanted you as his gf he would not disrespect you by dumping you but still sleeping with you.
    I made all the mistakes imaginable and for FOUR MONTHS I not only chased cried begged texted a million times but I also let him take advantage of my pain and sleep with me on a regular basis . The only thing I got from it all was severe debilitating depression that lasted far too long and finding out I was the side chick while he pursued a new relationship when he had been telling me he just needs time and space he was starting something new we even started hanging out again and he gave me hope for about a month things were great then one day he wouldn’t respond to me and I went crazy. Turns out he I was with the new girl
    I know for a fact he was a piece of crap and never deserved my tears constant texts and definitely not sex I should have walked away he used me abused me and broke me and it’s my own fault for allowing it
    Do not ever contact ur ex or sleep with him
    Move on- NOW.

  3. Leo September 7, 2015 at 4:40 pm #

    Our exes broke up with us for a reason. Whether we know what the reason is or not is irrelevant. Contacting them only puts the power back in their hands and leave us demoralized and degraded. Stick to the No Contact rule at all costs! It took me about eight weeks of torturing myself before I found Eddie’s material and began to implement it. I wish I had it on day one! Typically the exes will try to contact us for a number of reasons. They might actually miss us, they might want to know if we’ve moved on, but none of that matters either. DO NOT give in. Don’t answer the phone or respond to the text! It will feel good for a moment and then your entire world will come crashing down on you! And you are back to square one!

  4. Mdu December 20, 2015 at 2:45 pm #

    Hi guys thank you for your stories, I really must say its helping somehow to know that I’m not the only one in this boat. And its only my 1st day of NC n I’ve got 59 more days to go :) …I’ve made a mistake of taking my ex back although she’s 2 hours flight away from where Iam, she told me she was certain about us and I believed her because of the way she said it and she was calling me constantly. After months she decided she didn’t wanna be in a long distance and left me like that, because she claims its no use because she’ll be going back to where she intern for another year. She claims she loves us but can’t bare the distance n the financial strain and we love each other but can’t be close.. I’ve learned one thing that women will sweet talk you and leave you hanging just to fuel them self back to their attention sicking behavior, and once they have that they’ll be on to the next one. Love is really blind :)

  5. Esperanza December 29, 2015 at 6:03 am #

    My boyfriend of 8 months broke up with me via text saying that I am a wonderful person but he needs time to find a solution to a problem he is having of course both of us met at work. He works a lot hours but I was fine with that because I am not a needy girl. My tire blow out on to a all girl weekend. I called him and he called to make sure that I was okay but the next day he never showed any type of concern and I was bothered by the fact that he was so cold. When I got back home I told him I need to talk him in person so that I could express my feelings about what happened but the next day I got this long text from him about that we should take a break and then it was we are breaking up. I am heart broken because he told me he loves me but he needs to learn how to be happy so that way he can make who ever his with happy of I called and texted him and asking a lot of questions. So he has been cold by not responding to my texts. I want to be with him but I know he is going through something how do I deal with seeing him at work and avoid calling him or texting him ? Do I let him chase me or should I keep trying to let him know that I want him back? Help please

  6. jarjar December 30, 2015 at 2:36 pm #

    My partner of 4 years has sent and deleted texts to someone at work who he didnt really know but who used to rent a room out. He briefly moved in with when her after a row. The issue with this was, it was a standing joke that she was attracted to him. He was only gone 4 days but this was the second time he’d left, the first time was 6 months previously, On both occasions, he blamed his depression and that he felt he was burdenning me and dragging me down. The fact he wasn’t helping around the house etc left me criticising him at times as this was really difficult for me, so he said that made him feel unloved.
    The fact he;d moved in with someone who had a crush on him felt like a betrayal to me. When we got back togther he deleted her number and said he’d not contact her again. After another fall out, he messaged her telling her he missed her?????? He apologised and said he was just feeling sorry for himself. I told him if he ever deleted texts or fb messages again, we would be over. That was a year ago. Since then, we have been really happy. We’ve just gone through a lovely xmas and I find he’d messaged her and deleted it on xmas eve? From her reply, it was obvious there had been a few messages. I threw him out.
    I’m on day 3 of no contact. He is renting her room again. I have heard absolutely nothing from him until today, a text asking for some items he’d left and could I leave them outside for him. I replied saying a brief yes.
    I’m absolutely devastated that this has happened again. I cannot believe he would jeapordise everything we have just to message a woman he barely knows?? He has told friends its completely over between us. I’m beside myself with grief and don’t understand why he isn’t grovelling back apologising for his mistake?

  7. darey daffysefs January 16, 2016 at 8:25 pm #

    I want to don NC rule after my breakup with my gf but d truth is dat she broke up with me cos wey had a distance relationship and I wasn’t taking her calls for weeks bcos I wasn’t Happy, what do I do?!!

  8. JM January 20, 2016 at 6:36 am #

    I met this Guy 2 years ago and we actually worked together he was a manager of a department and I was a retail associate we were friends for a while at first and flirty with each other, so we both decided to go out on a date and had a really good time we also had alot of things in common we both were going through a divorce and we just clicked from the beginning, So we decided to start dating and seeing each other, we both weren’t looking for anything serious and he wasn’t looking for a relationship or a commitment right away so after about 5 months he got a job offered and decided to take it so we decided to just be friends and see where this whole thing takes us so we kept in touch through text messages and saw each other when he was in town for work we had a very flirty sexy amazing relationship with each other and we were off and on for about a year we kept telling each other that we were just friends but it was more than that. We had our disagreements and our differences but we kept coming back to each other, One weekend I went to go see him and we were supposed to meet for beers but said that he had to do close the store because one of his managers called out sick and couldn’t find someone to close and wasn’t able to meet me so I told him work is work I was disappointed but understand, so I went to go surprise him at work and come to find out he had left early from work and was gone for the day so I text him and said that he was such a Lier didn’t hear back from him at all that night but I got a text from him the next morning saying that I was right he never closed the store and he went home to take a nap thinking that we were going to meet up later but woke up to my text saying that he was such a lier and went out with a buddy instead and pretty much said that I had trust issues and that I was not a good person told me not to contact him or text him anymore that he was deleting my number I was so hurt, confused, and just shocked its been like 4 weeks and I haven’t heard from him. I saw him a week ago and we talked it was OK I found out that his store is closing and that he has to relocate so he has a lot going on right now but I am still confused about everything should I give him space for a while ? Let him contact me? I still have really strong feelings for him and I told him that I will always care and love him and he will always be my Friend. What should I do ? I am hoping that we can work this out and give it another chance.

    • Marce January 31, 2016 at 8:47 pm #

      Hi JM
      Yes I think it’s best you give him the space he obviously needs.
      The only trust issues you have is HIM blatantly lying to you and therefore you are fully justified in the way you feel. He turned everything around by saying YOU have trust issues because HE feels rotten and guilty about lying to you….
      If he didn’t want to meet up with you, why did he not just say so instead of fabricating a ‘tale’ and a series of false events.
      Stay away from him, let him contact you…..
      If he never does, so be it – he is just not that into you. Hurtful I know, but it’s the truth of the matter and you will just have to accept it and move on.
      If he does make contact, explain to him that even though you have feelings for him, you will not accept him lying to you.
      Tell him you are looking for a transparent, open and trustworthy relationship whether it be platonic or romantic.
      Ask yourself, “If any of my other friends did this to me, would I be angry, upset, etc.?”
      The answer would be YES because whether we are in love with someone or not, friends need to be trusted.

  9. Dracutefun February 8, 2016 at 10:15 am #

    We were dating for an year. Although sometime into the relationship we had some altercation that I wasn’t opening up. I take time to open up and give myself. That time she broke up with me but eventually we got back together. We had an amazing time together. Outside, in the bed and at work. We work at the same place but different departments. She always wanted more of time and would make big issues of small things. We fought many a times and she compared me with her exes. I hated that. I too broke up once but got back together in a day. Recently, she had been away, after 8days she got back. I was texting her and asking her since morning about her flight details and everything. But she said my battery isn’t working so will tell you later. But she got back and I was just waiting. We then met up for lunch for an hour but I went into my mood (not very proud of it). She took it negatively. Anyway it was all fine. I expressed my displeasure in night and we had a small fight. She didn’t text the whole day. I got drunk the next night and called her. We got back but I called her a few things( again not proud). HSE took offense to it. It took her three days to get over it. Then we were back to normal and livery dovey for two days. Little did i know that was the last time. I had to go out of town for a conference. She was busy behind, I texted her multiple times but she replied vaguely. Oh in between we had decided to be friends, kissing friends we called each other, to know each other better. We were both serious. After getting back it was at night that I asked her to meet me, she was working on something important. But she met anyhow, for 20mins. But told me because of me she couldn’t do anything. I felt bad. The next day we didn’t meet or talk much. But we met the subsequent day and I told her I feel very distant from u. She then said don’t say hurtful things. I was little restless and angry, texted her -text me once you are done with this. In couple of hours texted her normally too. But she took it in a different sense. And she broke up with me. I took it sportingly for the time. But started apologising and being miserable from the next day. Because I was suddenly dead to her next day. I apologised, asked her to get back but no. She said’ I am frustrated and scarred. I love you so much and wanted you so badly but I can’t be with you.’ I begged her to be with me, am going through a bad phase in career. She was very supportive otherwise. She said that’s what my plan was but not anymore. Then I just couldn’t stop being with her. Kept on texting her, calling her and meeting her for a week. Then one day I called her and told every deep dark thought and insecurity of myself. She just didn’t reply. She was busy at work that night and day next. I called her four tines but she said I am busy. Then by evening she said I am not feeling well. She slept. I too didn’t call her after that. She came near me at work but I ignored her. I started no contact. But was missing her terribly. In between went to parties. Got wasted, girls threw themselves at me ( they do that even when sober but that night I literally had to run away from all). I still kept myself committed. One day she just came up to me in the corridor and gave me my stuff back. That she had for a few months. I felt bad and miserable. Tried to follow her but refrained myself. The next day I eventually asked her out for lunch. We met for a while but she had to go. So we met after work. There I requested her to restart it and start afresh. From a clean slate. She said she can never start from clean slate. We again spoke about my deep thoughts. Then she said she was tired of me not opening up. Of me bringing up my wall every time something happened. And a few other things. We parted cordially with her crying and saying “I loved you so much that it kills me to see that this didn’t work out. I wanted you so bad. Take care.” She came for the hug and kissed me on cheeks. Then she left. That same night I spoke to one of my girl friends about this all. She had at one point of time asked me out, multiple times actually, but I was committed. She explained me in her way she was using me. I didn’t believe it but like a fool and in an emotional state, called her. She got so angry and started crying ‘that this is what it had become now. You are ruining whatever special and amazing we shared’. I asked sorry and explained I was vulnerable. She said I’ll for the last time keep my self respect aside and be friends with u. Don’t abuse it again. Met her once at work and we both smiled at each other while crossing. But I am missing her terrible. I want her back in life. I couldn’t open up because of my insecurities. But she gave herself to me. I want her. Please help me. I’m on no contact again for 8 days after breaking no contact last week.

  10. smarterthanhimnow February 11, 2016 at 4:54 am #

    My ex and i broke up last week of november. I started no contact until i got breadcrumbs from him over the holidays. Merry Christmas,happy new year blah blah. It gave me hope that we would get back together somehow.
    January comes and i greeted him on his birthday. We talked and he said he wanted to remain friends. Red flag!
    Remaining friends gives you hope and you stay on,waiting for a text or a call. You think about every word said,you analyze everything. When something good or bad happens in your daily life,you think if you should tellhim or not – you decided to be friends,right? The hell,it almost drove me crazy. Start of February,I knew i couldn’t do it anymore.
    I come first now. Me. Myself. I. Self love, self esteem, self worth. January 31 I told him i couldn’t stay friends anymore. I had to love myself again and stop hoping. He was still typing a message back to that message when i said goodbye and that i couldnt be friends. I blocked him from all messaging apps, skype, facebook and instagram. It’s me time now. I come first.
    There is someone out there for us dumpees. Something better. And i am ending this relationship,letting go. Because if i wont, i am hindering my something wonderful from happening.
    No contact is is. Block. Unfollow. Defriend.
    Only way to heal.
    Goodluck to us all!

  11. david February 21, 2016 at 2:36 am #

    In our 50s after 5 years of going together we finally moved in together then one day after living together for 3 weeks she eent to see her daughter and came vack and said shr wasn’t happy and was going to go live with her daughter, I didn’t argue with her i judt said oh well, she pacted her stuff and left. 5 month later i got an email wishing me a happy new year lemailed her back an said same to you .i called her mom and she told me the daughter kicked her out the mom didn’t want her and she rented a room in gf house and things sre going bad for her.I don’t want to contact her but in away I do. What should I do.She did break up with me.

  12. Tony March 2, 2016 at 3:12 pm #

    I’ll try to make this short: I’ve been dating this girl for 8 months. She was going through a divorce when I met her. Her divorce was final 4 months ago. She told me I was her “everything”, that she “had never felt love like this before.” I improved her self-esteem, became her best friend, we discussed everything and I was told I was her “soulmate”. Then recently, she expressed that she needed time, space – needed to be able to stand on her own 2 feet. That she was still carrying things around from the divorce. She told me that she “loves me and needs me in her life, but we need to break up”. So we did, but she needs me to be her friend. I pushed on the first day not to, but then initiated no contact. On the first day she texted about her job….I didn’t respond and haven’t. I am only on day 2, BUT I don’t know if I should be doing NC. This girl needs time to “stand”, is ignoring her texts going to push her away – I do want her back BTW. Any advice is much appreciated.

    • David March 2, 2016 at 4:48 pm #

      Hey Tony. I’ve been In a similar situation myself. Minus the divorce. The girl I was with has always wanted to try working and living abroad and she seen this year as a clear chance to try it. She also got out of a 5 year relationship roughly 2 months before she met me and hasn’t found her feet to stand on similar to your woman.

      While it was tough breaking up, everything was happy and comfortable the entire time. I’ve agreed to be friends and support her as best as I can. She may go across forever and I’ll never see her again but aslong as she’s happy, I’ll eventually be happy myself.

      The rule I’ve made however is, if she texts me first, I’ll reply. We shouldn’t initiate contact. Let them. If it feels wrong not to reply, then it usually is. Be supportive of her and show her you still wanna be around as a friend and you never know what will happen.

      I personally hate the no contact rule with this particular relationship. We’ve always been quite chatty in texts and it just feels wrong now. Distance may occur (I sense some now) but if you’re true to yourself and show her support, she may come back when she’s ready :)

      • Tony March 3, 2016 at 1:03 pm #

        Thanks for your comment Dave – I really do appreciate it. This is what I think may be happening: She loves me to pieces..which means I can control her feelings and emotions at any time. I think she saw glimpses of this and it scared her to death. She needs time to be able to stand on her own should I ever leave her. I have never mentioned leaving her, but that doesn’t mean she hasn’t thought about it. I don’t think she has ever stood on her own – she has always been in a relationship. SO, I didn’t want her to think that I was moving on and wasn’t supporting her need for time & space. So I texted her last night after 2 days of NC:
        Me: How are you?
        Her: I’m ok. Wiped out. How are you?
        Me: I’m ok. Is work crazy? (She has a very stressful job)
        Her: Big Time!
        Me: Sorry
        Her: Not your fault! I can’t believe it’s already Thursday.
        (a few more texts about work and then:
        Her: I took a sleeping pill (which she normally does) awhile ago so not sure how much longer I’ll be awake.
        Me: I understand. I just wanted to say hi and see how you are doing. Good luck tomorrow!
        Her: Thank you! I’m glad you texted. Hopefully the last part of the week goes fast at the first.
        Me: I’m sure it will. Goodnight ZZZ emoji
        Her: Goodnight smiling face blushing.

        I will not contact her again unless she contacts me first. Do you see anything wrong with what I did last night?

        • David March 5, 2016 at 10:40 pm #

          There’s nothing wrong with those texts nope. It’s exactly the approach I took and still take with my ex up until she leaves to go live abroad.

          It simply shows you still care and hints you’ll always be there for her to chat to. They may not say it but it IS appreciated.

    • Marce March 3, 2016 at 11:08 am #

      Hi Tony

      I don’t know why she was getting divorced….everyone has different reasons….make sure you know the truth about why though.
      At face value, it seems to me that you were her crutch and support system while she was going through her divorce. Did she love you and need you during this time? Yes definitely. She needed you to build her self esteem, and you did. She may need time and space right now, but I know that if it were ME, and I was truly in love with you, and you were there for me when I needed you most, and you were my soulmate and best friend, then I would want to keep you by my side and not lose you right?

      I cannot understand the need to break up then if what she tells you is true.

      Seems you are not her priority right now and she wants to keep her options open. She doesn’t want to lose you completely just yet, because if nothing ‘better’ crosses her path, you will be her fallback guy. Get what I am saying here?

      I think you need to be totally honest with her.
      Tell her exactly how you feel….that you want all or nothing, that you want to be in a relationship with her like you were in the beginning and if she cannot give you that, then you need to protect your own feelings and therefore cannot now all of a sudden be a platonic friend because that does not work for you.
      Tell her if she does not want to be with you, then she should allow you to move on and find someone who really and truly loves you and wants to be with you. If her response is she just needs time, space, etc. What she is really saying is, I do not want to be with you.

      Don’t make someone your priority when you are only an option to them!

      • Tony March 3, 2016 at 1:14 pm #

        Marce, thank you for your comment. You are right – I am not her priority right now. But I don’t think I should be. She does need to find herself and stand on her own 2 feet. I was her 2 feet, and actually, I don’t want to be. I need a confident girl and although I can give her a lot of confidence – but until she believes it – it doesn’t matter. It’s just tough b/c the break-up and needing space thing can have 2 different meanings and I WANT to know which one it is. #1 – Is she saying goodbye in a nice way or #2 – could she actually be needing space and time to be a more rounded individual. What’s crazy? I’ve asked her! She swears by #2. Why the break-up? She says b/c she wouldn’t be focusing on her, she would be focusing on me if we stayed together. I feel like I’m losing my mind with all this analyzing!

        • Marce March 7, 2016 at 12:32 pm #

          Hi Tony

          Yes, “needing space” can have lots of different meanings. In my experience with relationships though, it usually means, “I’m saying goodbye in a nice way. I don’t want to hurt you because you have been so good to me especially when I needed you most……” blah blah blah

          The point is, you will never know which one it is and she will never tell you honestly because she really likes you as a person and does not want to intentionally hurt you.

          Just by the fact that you admit that you feel like you are losing your mind with all the analyzing; just by the fact that you searched for and found this site/blog; just by the fact that you are asking for help and for other people’s opinions on here….it basically means that your gut is trying to tell you something that your heart does not want to listen to.

          If you believe (deep down in your gut) that she is legit, that she genuinely needs space, that you have a future with her, that she loves you, etc. and all of this reassures you of her commitment to you, then you would not have sought advice on here in the first place.

          You came here because you are NOT feeling okay with the situation in the relationship… DO suspect her reasons for the space she claims she needs… DO NOT feel that the break up is entirely legit… all I am saying is GO WITH YOU GUT!
          It usually is very accurate.

          I also know you love this girl and want to be with her….that’s the tricky part.
          I say leave her be….let her go….don’t just sit around and wait for her.
          If she really wants to get back together she will contact you and seek you out.
          In the mean time, lie low and go NC.

  13. Bry March 10, 2016 at 8:45 pm #

    No contact is childish if its intended to reconcile. There are no rules in love try no contact on a mature man or woman who knows how to walk away you’ll find when you want to contact them again they will no be abled to be contacted. Now i totally agree if no contact is for healing and restoration then thats perfectly reasonable and in that case it works you are closing a chapter

    • Marce March 14, 2016 at 11:43 am #

      No contact is not childish, and should never be used to reconcile.
      It is used for one to clear their head, to heal, to distance themselves from the previous relationship, to concentrate on self improvement, to set boundaries for future relationships, etc.
      However, if you would really like to reconcile, you have more of a chance of getting that result by going no contact than by pursuing someone relentlessly in the hope they will come around. Chances are you will just drive them further away……
      Silence is very powerful and if your ex truly wants a reconciliation as well, they will find a way to reach out to you. You can then either respond or ignore depending on what you want, the length of time, etc.
      If they don’t reach out to you, you then can hold your head up high because you left the relationship with dignity and self respect and that is something they will always remember, especially if they were the ‘dumper’.

      If you are the ‘dumper’, then for God’s sake, leave the ‘dumpee’ alone so that they can move on…..and therefore once again, no contact is the answer.

  14. Marcus March 16, 2016 at 3:16 pm #

    Im in the same boat as Tony. Been seeing a woman for 7 months whos going through a divorce. Shes been with him for 10 years and one day he just decided he wasnt happy and moved out. He is now seeing someone else. I met her 6 months after he left and we hit it off fast. So much chemistry and we just click. Now 7 months later, i got a random text at 3 in the morning stating how shes so broken and numb and how shes still loves her husband and hows shes grieving. She said she needs space and to better herself and how all she can off is friends and talk for now. First thing i thought was she was seeing another guy, but her FB is all sad post so i know shes hurting. She says im a great guy and i did nothing wrong and how i will have a good life. This is really heartbreaking for me cause i fell in love with this women and her daughter. Im on day 3 of NC and i blows balls. I see her online on FB and i want to text her so bad but im not. If she realize what she had and she wants to come back then ill be here but im not waiting. I love her so much but i will move on with my life and if im single when shes ready then we can try again.

    • Tony March 18, 2016 at 3:15 pm #

      Sorry you are going through this bother, it’s tough as hell. There is one difference between our situations, my ex left her husband because he was a jerk and that’s putting it mildly. Trust me when I tell you – she is NOT seeing other guys, she truly needs to stand on her own two feet. Think about it this way…have you ever made the statement, “hell, I don’t NEED anyone, I’m a grown ass man and I can stand on my own two feet!” Women can’t always make those statements, most of them need a man to lean on for EVERYTHING. If you think about it, I bet some of your friends are dating or married to these types of women. However, throughout history women are becoming more independent and making those statements. I know my ex is one stubborn, tough independent women, but that’s why I am attracted to her and love her so much – who wants a needy, clingy women – that sucks. I don’t know your ex GF, but if she is anything like that, then she is learning to stand on her own and she can’t do it with you being there – why? Because you would be helping and she wants to do it on her own. Make sense? Question for you….did you treat her good? Respect her? Love her? Be kind and caring towards her? If you did, then she’ll come back bro…you have to give her space and time, by doing that it’ll show her that you respect her and she’ll love that. Words of wisdom for all the guys out there – treat your women the correct way and they’ll always come back – treat them like crap and they never will. As far as NC – ONLY use it if you DON’T want her back! Seriously, NC is used when you don’t want to hurt anymore and YOU want to move on with your life. BUT, if you want her back, my advise is only use NC for a few days to grieve and when I say grieve I mean – CRY! Do it…you’ll feel so much better. How do I know all of this b/c it’s been 3 weeks since we broke-up and instead of following the advice of a lot of people on here or SOCIETY (which always says, “move on”) I did what I felt was right. I grieved for a week, then SHE broke NC and asked how I was. Now listen carefully here….Don’t break NC until she does – it’ll be tough, but you can do it. Think of everything you could have possibly done wrong in the relationship during this time, even the smallest things. Also, you need to get back to being independent – I bet you lost a little of that when you were with her. When she breaks NC – talk to her, but be happy, don’t be sad, be upbeat. It’s perfectly fine to tell her that you miss her – hell you’re human aren’t you – your not fooling anyone and neither is she is you both say you don’t miss each other – that’s ridiculous. And I’m going to say it, and nobody will agree with me but be her friend! When you two first met, I bet you started off as kinda of friends – even after the sparks and the “honeymoon” period ended you actually became great friends – lovers to – but also friends. That’s what she needs right now. Don’t push for any type of dating relationship – she’ll just run further away. Be her friend – that doesn’t mean don’t move on – what I’m saying is…you keep moving on to become whole again. I did this with my ex…I couldn’t do NC for 21-30 days – that’s insane – she’s my friend and we are helping each other through this to become whole again. I told her I miss her & Loved her the other day and I didn’t care that it made me vulnerable, I’m not hiding nor running from my feelings (NC) anymore. You know what she said, “it means the world to me that you put yourself out there and expressed that knowing it makes you vulnerable to pain”. We are not back together, BUT we are working our way back to each other by becoming whole again – EVERYONE NEEDS TO BE AN INDIVIDUAL OR TWO PEOPLE CAN’T MAKE IT. Sorry for the book – hope this helps and makes sense!

      • Marcus March 18, 2016 at 4:24 pm #

        I totally understand what your saying. I went 4 days of NC and texted to see how she was and to say hi. She replied and said good. I told her I miss her and I loved her. She said we rushed to fast as she wasn’t ready like she thought she was. She said she doesn’t feel that spark and doesn’t know if it’s because she’s numb to emotion. I told her to grieve and heal and that I would be here when she’s ready. She told me to not do that and to live my life. She says she doesn’t know if she will ever be ready and if i was the one. I literally am seeing myself as her rebound. As I sit and thought the last ewwww days I realized she always talked about her ex husband and was always stalking him. I didn’t see the red flags. I deleted her off Facebook as I was hurting myself going on her page and stalking her and missing her. I had to so I can move on. She is really damaged and honestly I don’t think she will bounce back anytime soon

        • Tony March 18, 2016 at 7:04 pm #

          It’s beginning to sound like that. I am truly sorry – but I do believe in Karma. This happened to make you a stronger individual – you will recover, it’s just going to take time. I was in a 6 year relationship with this girl – when we broke up – I was devastated, but almost 1 year later, I was whole again and I remember saying to one of my friends on the golf course, “Time does heal all wounds and it’s amazing where I am now from a year ago”. That was a SIX YEAR relationship – so 6-8 months should only take about 4-5 months to recover – LOL. Hang in there brotha!

          • Jordan April 5, 2016 at 3:50 pm #

            Hello, my ex girlfriend of nearly 6 years broke up with me 3 weeks ago. at first I pleaded and begged for us to get back together (didn’t work) she wanted space but we still kept contact. Our break up wasn’t ugly. We just grew apart the last lot of months with stress etc and it was hurting us emotionally. We felt it coming for a while but took things for granted. 3 weeks ago she went out and got really drunk and took cocaine (which she’s never done before) we got into a fight when she came home. Argued etc and then she slapped me. She then opened the door and tried to throw my belongings out of the house, but the dog run out into the street and I was trying to retrieve the dog and stop her from throwing my things out. I kept telling her to stop and she wouldn’t. So I pushed her and she fell and hit her head off the stairs and got a bruise. I instantly regretted it and run to her aid and tried to make her better. I’ve never lifted my hands to her before. She knows I’m not that type of person so forgive me as she knows we where both at fault. We then broke up and for the first week I pleaded etc like I say and it didn’t work. The 2nd week she came out abit more and we spoke but nothing serious. The 3rd week she has been texting me and asked “what are you doing” etc. We’ve spoke on the phone about everything and where she stands are relationship currently isn’t fixable. She hasn’t ruled out a future. I told her that it would be hard for me to keep in contact everyday as Im trying to better myself as a person and that I’ll continue to hurt if theirs no hope of us currently getting back together. She said that she doesn’t want to completely lose me altogether but right now doesn’t want us to be in a relationship. She said i’m the only one she’s ever loved and I’m the same to her. There’s also another catch. The house we shared is directly facing my parents who where I’m currently living and mostly she stays in her parents but sometimes she stays in the house facing me. She also has a 6 year old daughter I helped raised from 4 months old and I love her as my own daughter. I’m getting mixed opinions from everyone. She’s currently talking to a guy but nothing serious he’s a friend she knew for years but has been speaking to him more often now that we’ve broke up. Shes even broke him and other friends to our old house while I’ve been at home. It hurt at first. But she’s single and it’s her house. She told me she has no interest in anyone and she is trying to numb the pain in anyway possible and trying to avoid being alone. I’m thinking about going no contact for 30 days to better myself and heal myself first of all and also it gives her 30 days to embrace the pain and stop running away from it. We spoke last night as she asked what I was doing. I rung her and we spoke for a while. I told her that I don’t want to become a security blanket and friend zoned and that it’s unhealthy for us to keep talking right now with no plan in place to try and fix things as it’s not giving us time to help ourselves etc. She also admitted that she thinks she’s starting to feel the pain now. What is your opinion after all I’ve told you? The only doubt I’ve got with NC is that I’d feel like a dick avoiding my step daughter. Thanks Jordan.

          • Deb April 8, 2016 at 2:54 pm #

            Hi Jordan, the no contact rule worked for me and it may do in your situation. It’s much more difficult however, when there’s a child involved. Do not contact her in any way at all. Do not reply to texts etc. The day you do, will put you back to day 1. It’s really really tough to follow through, but if there is any chance for you this will be it. Unfortunately, we end up taking each other for granted and this is the only way for anyone to evaluate how much someone means to them properly. Without her being able to miss you, shell never know this. If she messages you to see your step daughter, reply purely about the child in a polite manner and arrange to take her out for a couple of hours WITHOUT your ex. Be polite and to the point but stick to your guns. If she doesn’t come round after this, then her feelings had changed for you and there’s nothing to be done. I think she clearly still wants to talk to you so it seems this could go either way. Even if she begs to see you after a couple of weeks don’t cave in. Good luck!

  15. Kate March 20, 2016 at 7:17 pm #


    My ex broke with me 20 days ago, we were together for one year, we were very much in love, my lie was the breaking straw , I had lied about my age, I am ashamed that I did it. I have begged and pleaded but he won’t forgive me. I could not tell him as he was in series of relationships before me and also seeing another girl during the beginning of our relationship. I would that he had also slept with her while we were together few months back, though he claimed that it was before I was in his life. I really love him and the pain does not go. I really want him back. He keeps texting me and calling me at night when he is drunk and then in the morning he is cold again. We were to be married. My family and close friends think he loved me for money but I know he loved me and is hurting bad. I am older to him and didnt want to loose him that is why I lied about my age. i know it is abominable but I love him truly. What to do

    • Persisent Shadows April 1, 2016 at 6:53 pm #

      Maybe it is because I have lied about bigger things than that to people I love, but I do not think your lie about your age should matter at all. It, unlike many things, is really just a number. It really nothing to do with who you are.

      I think, sadly, you need to start the NC rule. I think you are looking for/getting mixed signals that are prolonging your suffering. If he loves you, and you still love him, don’t push him away, but don’t keep hanging on.

  16. Lee March 30, 2016 at 5:50 pm #

    I was with someone for about years, the last 2 mostly on and off. We were the 80/20 couple…80% of us was great, 20% was not…and it seems the 20% spanned larger than the 80. When we finally ended it about 2 months ago, I initiated the NC rule…and I was fine with it util last week…I had gone on a couple of dates and each time, it was my ex’s face I saw in front of me…I came to the realization that I somehow have to find a way to make this work.

    I started contacting her again for which she was very suspicious of but eventually accepted. I’ve told her how I’d made a big mistake in letting her go and more than anything I wanted to be back with her. She replied that she still loved me intensely and always will, but says she has no trust in me whatsoever…there were also issues with her family which would be tough (but not impossible) to resolve and be accepted by them again.

    To put it bluntly, I’ve been acting like a pathetic fool begging her to give me another chance. reading my last message to her, it hit me how desperate I look and how I need to stop this. I need for her to decide on her own that she is willing to give it another shot. My question is, do I go back to not contacting her again? Do I reduce the number of times we contact each other? Right now, we speak/text a few times a day…


  17. Ging April 11, 2016 at 9:13 pm #

    I was on a relationship for 3 months everything was good I get so anxious if he doesn’t txt me or call , one night I when to his place and ask to talk to him he didn’t even open the door and ask me to leave if not he will call the police if I don’t live! I was devastated the way he treated me . He texted me the following morning to end the relationship he told me my anxiety is stressing our relationship . But he told me will see in a month what does it mean ? Will see in a month I’m confuse I’m doing the no contact thing now it’s very hard cause I invested to much of my time on his relationship just to work out anybody can tell me what I need to do?

  18. sergio May 13, 2016 at 6:47 pm #

    Dear Eddie, your article is very much appreciated, and in my experience you are totally right, however I think that in some instances getting back together with your ex is ok, even if it means breaking up again. A couple of the most beatiful and intensily romantic moments I have experienced in my life have been after a reconciliation, it sounds like masoquistic but still I know we both gave it a second chance, were rewarded by beautiful memories and only then we realized it was not going to work.
    But I also realized how very much loved by my ex I was. Drama along with extended pain I recon but still I do not regret having tried again and having her in my arms once more.

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