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Will No-Contact Get Your Ex Back?

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The No-Contact Rule is a necessity. That’s what most breakup survivors find out the hard way, often after weeks of trying to be friends with their Ex, and suffering through pain and humiliation.

But can it also be a weapon to get back the Ex? Is it ok to still have hope?

Today’s question is from Daniel, who wants to know the answer to these exact questions.

Can we get our Ex back with No-Contact?

Can we?

Please read on.

Eddie,

I’m on Day 25 of NC, this is Day 39 of the breakup.

Long story short, one day we were looking at rings together and talking excitedly about marriage, then the next she broke things off and her reasoning sounded a lot like cold feet, jitters, deep-seated emotional issues like fear of abandonment, intimacy and commitment.

It’s basically her issues and not mine.

I managed to avoid the usual mistakes of begging and groveling to take me back and not giving her her space.

I’m doing NC because it’s ultimately about me and healing, not about winning her back. But emotionally, I want to reconcile and want her back.

In your opinion, will I give up this hope over time as her radio silence continues, and do you advocate NC as the only possible route to reconciliation?

I am having a real rough time accepting the relationship is over. Emotionally it’s like she flipped a switch. And I realize NC prevents me from saying and doing things now I will later regret.

Dear Daniel,

First of all – I know exactly where you are coming from. Two of the most hurtful things during a breakup are the feelings of being blindsided and suddenly alone, as well as the crushed plans you’ve had together for the future.

“What the hell just happened?”, you ask yourself. Our mind usually reacts with numbness. You find yourself in the middle of the “denial-stage”.

Somehow you make it through the days, and at one point sooner or later you make an important realization, (if you’re lucky) – I can’t go on like this. I can’t keep contact with them and at the same time heal.

So you go No-Contact.

Wise decision.

But does No-Contact mean giving up the hope of getting back together? And better yet, is No-Contact a way to reconciliation?

Let me tell you this right away – the hope of getting back together is deeply wired into you. It’s what the heart says.

Now, usually I always recommend to listen to your heart, but NOT this time.

No.

You must know this – someone who just went through a fresh breakup isn’t thinking straight, like a brain damaged, love-blind fool, (sorry to sound so harsh, but its a good metaphor).

All they care about is getting back to the times as they used to be.

The friendship, the love, the understanding, the nearness.

But the head knows better. It shows problems that existed in the relationship, the bad sides of the Ex, the fact that what once is broken rarely gets fixed again to what it was before.

All this knows the head.

But unfortunately not the heart.

No-Contact is the way of listening to the head.

It is doing what is best for YOU as a person.

Will it get your Ex back?

To be honest, it is very unlikely.  Sorry for speaking it out loud, I know this hurts. There were reasons for breaking up and they still exist. They won’t vanish after no contact.

But the HOPE will be present for some time.

It is good to know and to accept that, and to know where it’s coming from. Eventually it will fade, and the heart will look for new ways. This is when healing truly begins, when we fully accept and take responsibility for what happened.

Only then can we learn from the experience and grow with it.

Everyone who just started No-Contact will have a hard bumpy road ahead. You will struggle, fall and stand up again. You will encounter obstacles, road blocks that you must avoid.  Your Ex may try to contact you, your Ex is a co-worker, you have kids together, you will miss them, the temptation of contacting will be almost unbearable.

It will be difficult, maybe the most difficult thing you’ve done, but it’s so worth it.

It’s so worth it.

No-Contact will cut your healing time to a fraction.

It’s true. I know this from my own experience and from coaching so many clients.

My advice to you Daniel is to NOT give in to your emotions. They are sending a false signal. Listen to your head, remember the “bad times”, and try not to idealize your relationship.

Take it day-by-day, week-by-week.

And one day you will suddenly feel MUCH better. Just like you flipped a switch.

Promise.

Do you think that no-contact is a way of getting the Ex back? Please share your thoughts in the comment section below.

Your friend,
Eddie Corbano

, , ,

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442 Responses to Will No-Contact Get Your Ex Back?

  1. Cindy March 27, 2014 at 9:17 am #

    hello,
    I am Cindy Dsouza . i was in a relationship with a school time friend for more than a year. We both came into contact through social sites and we fell in love. He was an amazing person who loved me but he always wanted that i do things according to his way and inform him. He too used to share with me. But as months passing now he slowly reduced his call, messaging and meeting up. His behaviour changed as one day i was very upset so i put a status saying that why do people have no time and all. He read it and said he does not want to be in touch. After that he went for a picnic one week out with his friends and he purchased a beautiful gift for me and some famous speciality of that place. He had told me that he will meet me on a particular day. I was waiting for his call and when i called him he said he forgot and he thought that i told him that i am not available on that day. I got very angry and i said bye and cut the call. After this full scene now from March month he has stopped talking with me at all. When i post pictures on facebook he likes it sometimes or sometimes he does not. I did not try to contact him thinking that one day he will call me. But i am losing hopes. I see him late night online sometimes but he used to never talk to me. I sit quite. I have stopped accessing sites thinking that he will feel where i am and try to find me out. I really love him lots and when he was suffering from breakup after two months i was the girl who supported him, loved him and now when he is stable he does not even remember the care love what i did for him. Please help me what i do.. give me some solution..

    Regards
    Cindy Dsouza

    • Kiki March 31, 2014 at 1:42 pm #

      Dear Cindy,

      I think ” no contact” rule is necessary but it is really difficulty to be silence when you love someone than anything. My girlfriend asked me to do not contact her but i couldn’t stop missing her, it is a natural love disease:(.

      The no contact rule helps especially when the girl or a man still are single but when you think already she/he found someone, It is terrible BUT I am not sure why women do not forgive their boyfriend.

      Time will tell

      Kiki

      • ie April 1, 2014 at 5:54 am #

        Was in a ltldr with a bf from high school years later he broke my heart a year later fell for another who broke me again I’m so over it so whatever they say run it ain’t worth the heartbreak

        • Kiki April 1, 2014 at 8:51 pm #

          I think, you can run and find someone who could joy your soul but does not mean he born from different planet. My advise is to think if your last bf is going to change his behavior or not.
          If yes, then you should ask your heart is he your choice or juts you was with him because of something. If you you truly loved him, then it is necessary to give him another chance. No relationship that is perfect 100% without any obstacle.

          My girlfriend broke up our relationship and heard she found someone:( All at all ,I love her and because of that I don’t see any reason to do not fight for her. Love is once, second love is just because when we have no choice but it is lazy to allow failure while if the possibility of proving your ex-gf/bf believe your the choice.

          No short here

      • Cindy April 13, 2014 at 6:46 pm #

        Thanks for the advice.. I have started the no contact rule. I post my photos on facebook when i am roaming with friends sometimes and i chat with them online i feel okay. Is it fine if i post photos on facebook. I am totally not talking with my boyfriend through text and call. I see him online neither he talks nor i. I feel bad but with a hope that he will realize my love, If he has girlfriend and he has not told me then i must go away from his life. I am really confused. I just want him to get back. Yes its true time will tell and i want that it change him

        Regards
        Cindy

        • Kiki April 15, 2014 at 1:50 am #

          Dear Cindy,

          Try to text him and ask for meeting, tell him that you need to talk with him and you would like to tell him before you take a new action concerning your health(love health). Tell him he meant something to you but you already accepted his decision to ignore your soul.

          When you meet him, you will have a golden chance to show all your sincerely and tell him that every good relationship has a trend of up and down. many people thinks, people who have bad behavor do not change, but that is they way of thinking, It is not true. Where there is a true loves, you have to accept seeing a complicated problem. No loves without obstacle.

          It is the same, when a man find out that, his woman can not give a birth, What the solution? You can not divorce your woman just because she can’t give a birth.

          I am sure, and if he is not a robot, then he will agree to meet you and could be your chance to explain your feedback and what you missed since that time.

          Do not make a revenge on networks, it is the worst behavior. I am sure forgiveness could take place, not now but after few months or weeks.

          I have the same problem, to the one I loved, I tried no contact but is very difficulty for me. No contact helps when you didn’t love your partner:). If you really had someone and at the same time you shared everything with him/her, then her/his image must be on your head as well as heart.

          Again, if you knows the reasons to broke up with your bf, then the chance to be with him could be 80%, the you have to change your behavior and ask him to meet then. You do not need find another guy just because your stress, that is not a solution to win the game.

          Hope you will get your bf, and I believe to get my gf too. Not today or tomorrow but I still have a big hope on her. I don’t see any reason to search a new gf. True love comes once per person. We have to accept forgiveness. But if we loves someone because of his/her bank history, then it is ok to change a our partner like landing a flat.

          Do you think, I have to start my new life and forget about my ex gf?

          • cindy August 5, 2014 at 5:56 pm #

            Hello,
            I appreciate for the wonderful job you are doing. In this one month i did not take any initiative of calling my boyfriend. One fine day he called me up from another number and i recieved his call he insisted to meet up he was showing that he was caring for me and wanted to stay one night at my place. I then met him and he stayed with me one night. We both came close to each other it was like nothing happen between us but when i say the three words he does not say it or turns the statement. After that day he did not message or call up. During friendship day i waited for his message or call but he did not neither I did it nearly two weeks he did not called or texted to know how I am. It happens that after every three weeks he calls up. I am confused with this kind of behaviour dont understand whats in his mind if he not loves me then why he comes close to me and then he part his ways far from me. After one month i had met him i thought he will say the words what my ears wanted to hear.Tell me please what shall i do now?

            Cindy

  2. FBR March 31, 2014 at 7:19 pm #

    Hi all , I haven’t been on here for awhile and I have a question /s about getting back together with an ex- should I or shouldn’t I. I did no contact ( except for a few isolated times) for a year and he’s been chasing me for the past month and 1/2 .
    Perhaps some of you will find the back story interesting .

    Is this the right place to post a question?

    • Kiki April 1, 2014 at 8:36 pm #

      think this is the right place to post the question as far all we need help and advise.

      No one who would like to leave their heart partner just because of behavior which in any means could be possible to change.

      When You love someone, you can do everything to rebuild/re-change our behavior. But when you didn’t love him/her then you would let it go after a broke up moment. Women need care and that care must be from our side as men. Of course sometime you can be with someone just because you needed one night or something like that,

      No contact is a kill but we have to use it in a proper time.

    • Emily May 29, 2014 at 5:44 pm #

      FBR i would love to hear what happened in your story please share!

  3. col April 9, 2014 at 9:59 pm #

    ok, i thought the no contact would help me heal but i also thought it would help my ex see that the grass wasnt greener and i was who he wanted to be with.
    The story is we were in a 8yr relationship bought our house have 3 kids together and im 6months pregnant with baby number 4. He left me 9weeks ago for a girl he works with (they didnt really know each other just worked in same factory) who is 14yrs younger than him…………they have moved in together last week to a rented flat and for the past 9weeks have been telling each other how much they love each other!!!!!
    I am struggling to get over this, he has hardly seen the kids and hasnt text or phoned to ask about them or the unborn baby even though he knows there is some complications. He was always family orientated and spent loads of time with me and the kids as a family.
    Surely jumping into living with a girl after only 8weeks wont last?
    I know he was very stressed with his work and over the years has suffered mild depression could this be why he has run off with her? run away from what he thought were problems?

    • Emily May 28, 2014 at 4:50 pm #

      Hi Col,

      thats awful :( what a horrible person to be able to do that to someone he his supposed to love! Especially as you have 3/4 children together. Its disgusting and shocking behaviour.

      Maybe it is depression or some weird life crisis but yes that relationship definately wont last – hes not dealt with the guilt or grief of leaving you and your children so that will catch up with him, you just have to be patient and wait for that time to come.
      You dont deserve to be treated like that, have you tried talking to a counsellor and do you have any other support from family etc?
      Any update since you last posted? Hope you are ok x

  4. IKT April 30, 2014 at 8:54 am #

    Hello everyone,

    I met this girl for like months ago and It’s like we see each other at work everyday . we became very close as friends (Almost like best friends). Then after a while we both started to have feelings for each other not for a short period but for like 2 months and we were both confused as we were both afraid of “The end”. So finally I decided to go for it as I found this girl perfect from me by all aspects. So we dated for like 3 weeks then we decided to go back to being “Just friends” and the reason we both shared was “Relationships do not last forever but friendships do” and we wanted to have each other in our lives for a long time. She wants to see me everyday now and I thought this was easy for me but it wasn’t ; She is afraid that she will lose interest in me if she dates me after like a month or 2 and she is like “I’d rather struggle myself to get you rather than have you” and well now after breaking up , she is getting me by seeing me everyday . I’m the one who brought up the idea of going back to being just friends because I wasn’t sure If our relationship could last but we are both hoping that our friendship would last. However we still have feelings with each other but I’m just like “Done with struggling all the time” , I’ve got sick of going out with this girl and that girl without having any special feeling for them.
    After the break up I talked that I couldn’t see her because I need to get over her but she was like crying that It’s hard for me blah blah so eventually we got to talk about the relationship we had and she says that “I’m afraid I’ll lose interest in you or I’ll be too attached to you , I wanna keep it between dating you and being your best friend” and In the end she said that give me some time and I’ll ask to be back together If i wanted to.
    So I came to myself and thought that this is too selfish of her that she keeps me in this situation and she is the only girl that I actually cared about but with me being around her , she is always “having me” and I’m the one who’s getting hurt even though I believe that dating her right now might have been wrong (She isn’t always a good girl If ya know what I mean) so I decided to stop texting/calling her and she just called me like 5 times that “Where are you? Let’s go to work together” and I ignored her ; I’m also gonna give both of us space as I’m 100 percent sure that she is gonna miss me a lot but I’m not sure If this is the right call.
    Bottom line is that she loves me and I love her and we are both afraid of losing each other because relationships do not last forever and friendships do (Not always but most) and we are both afraid of getting attached as when we breakup , we will end up hurt and we are both something special for each other . we both suck at serious relationships (Max period we both dated someone was 5 months)

    Any suggestions , Should I just act cool and fight myself to get over her and remain friends or should I use that N/C tactic to make her miss me and we will somehow end up in a relationship or Just get her out of my life

  5. photolic May 5, 2014 at 3:13 pm #

    I had a 4 years relationship with my girlfriend I ‘m 28 years old and she 24.

    We were madly in love during a year and super affectionate, friends, pranksters and accomplices during the remaining.

    Were seen by all as the wonder couple because our complicity and how we touched and we gave affection to each other, the way we played achieved enjoying with our own relationship.

    Two weeks ago I sent a sms after a cold conversation she had with me, we never had a single discussion in 4 years.

    I told her for the first time I had felt that he could lose witch other. To which she replied, “that broke my heart to hear that from you, these are phases that all couples go, we ‘ll get through this, and we will get stronger.”

    After two days of receiving this sms she broke up with me saying she needed a break, both cried that day and even while we were talking , we were kissing and hugging, to support one another . She told me that she felt suffocated by me, got stressed with college exams and did not like living with his father, was feeling bad.
    And told me she no longer felt about me the same as it was in the beginning and the fact that I was unemployed one year and a half , not helped because she saw me as a person aimlessly , and told me that she tried to cheer me up and help me to start working and moving , and only saw me through without motivation. ( I myself was not a good phase) , I was jealous of her university and her friends , I think I have done that because I felt alone and I was depending on her to be happy.

    I took a week without sending any message to her phone, do not exchange any contact. This last week we do not speak, I arranged to meet her at her house to clear things up.

    She told me that she I was fine alone, and had little time to think, was down to the beach to walk alone and realize that for a long time she did not feel so good, she like the sensation to be free again, seems lighter. Hear what she had to tell me without crying and I had a good posture , I told her that I realized my mistakes and had probably lost the woman of my life for my stupidity. She cried and still had to be me to give her a lap and hugs to console her.
    I told her that the break up was good to me also, because I wake up to life and get me moving and treat myself. (Actually was pretending to be strong but was dying inside).

    It was strange to her, she was disturbed to see me talking like that, another weird thing is that she heard from me that some of my friends (girls) already knew that we broke up, and seemed to have been jealous somehow.
    During our conversation i received 2 text messages on my cell phone and she replied something like this “look your friends trying to call you already”. (that somehow got me some hope to have my ex back).

    In the end we both decided that because our relationship was so strong and we never had mistreated or betrayed one another could not be like best friends and see each other all the time because that would not work.
    When I leave that day after the conversation ends, we hug wich other very tight and she gave me a kiss in the neck.

    I thought I was relieved at this end, but in reality spent last eight days after we talked without thinking about her, I think all the time how to get my ex back and this is killing me. I am suffering, all my friends tell me to stop thinking about her, because it was she who ended it, she never called me again, removed the photos witch had with me on facebook and seems to have done everything to forget about me. I think she should be happy and I ‘ve been crying the corners all the time, worst she is posting photos (just 2 new photos to be honest) but in that pictures I see that she is moving on, she is smiling and with good mode. Looking at that just broke my heart.

    Just passed 17 days and she send me a text message wishing me and my family a good easter, and in the same day text me to congratulate me for my football team win in the championship.

    I check her facebook today and her ex boyfriend started to like her new photos, and i know that he is going to be next week in the same party was my ex, 4 day party.

    Im don’t know what 2 do, im pretending to be strong and using no contact rule, I miss her.

    • Emily May 28, 2014 at 4:46 pm #

      Hi Photolic,
      How is it going any update on the situation?
      You need to delete her from facebook so you arn’t tortured by these photos and updates, believe me it helps. I have deleted my ex off of everything but my exes number so i know if he calls or texts. It will probably upset her that you unfriended her but she cant expect you to want to keep her as a friend.
      You need to keep up NC i broke it and im really annoyed I did – I pretended to be strong like you. That probably made it much harder for you to see her and properly say goodbye thats why you are finding it so hard.

      I hope you are feeling a bit better about it all now.

      If she ever texts or calls just ignore them, that is the best way – she isnt going to tell you anything you want to hear shes just going to say things to upset you further. :(

      Sorry you are going through such a bad time – I am also feeling the same – its horrific! But we have to accept it as hard as it is and we cant control them. The best way to feel better is no contact and ignore – it will empower you and make you feel much stronger – especially if she continues to try and contact you.

      I hope you are ok – I have also posted so would appreciate your opinion if you can :)

      Thanks

  6. Emily May 28, 2014 at 4:38 pm #

    Hey everyone,

    Would appreciate some advice and sorry to hear you are all going through the pain too :(

    My boyfriend broke up with me like the flick of a switch – this was 3 weeks ago. He was 2 weeks away from finishing uni so was really stressed with final exams and his dissertation, plus he had a lot of family issues going on which were really upsetting him. Anyway he ended it on the phone in the middle of a silly squabble – I hadnt seen him in a month as I told him to concetrate on getting all the work done. I went to see him even though he said it wouldnt change his mind – which it didnt and I begged him in my shcok but then stormed away.
    Last time I saw him before that it had been like usual and we had such an amazing relationship – all my friends and family used to say so too. He was a really good boyfriend to me so I have really struggled to accept this.
    Anyway he text me when he gave his dissertation in saying he couldnt have done it without me then called me 4 times one day and then text again when he had finally finished uni saying he would never forget all that I had done for him.
    Basically nothing saying he regretted it or wanted to change what he had done. I didnt respond to any of this and was NC for 18 days! was feeling so good about it and so proud of myself.

    Then I had a low day and let my emotions get the better of me and text him – I didnt say anything about lets get back together or anything like that it was just a how are you, how were your exams etc and then he kept saying things like “Thats my girl :)” and calling me my nickname, telling me to say Hi to my parents for him, he also said Im his best friend and always will be he just needs to sort himself out. I was so angry at all of these comments but didnt rise to them and just ignored. Anyway I said its going to be hard losing a best friend as well and I said I had to go to sleep and that I hope everything goes well for him.

    He said I hope we dont lose contact and that he will text me again soon and that he missed me.

    He seems to have it in his head that he can still hold on to me and have me in his life as a best friend.
    I wanted to come across like I was fine and not give him the satisfaction of thinking I was sat at hope crying my eyes out over him.

    Anyway now Im really beating myself up and feeling so disappointed in myself – I shouldnt have text him and now Ive given him the impression that Im fine and can be friends.
    I will ignore his next texts but I know he will text me in around 2 weeks when he gets his final university grade.

    I really am struggling with what to do, whether to text back Congratulations :) or just ignore. By ignoring I may come across like I do care and like im bitter. But then by texting back It may reinforce that we can be friends. This is the only text I would consider replying to because I want to ignore him and make myself feel better and I want him to eventually realise that he made a mistake and have the satisfaction of him chasing me – I would NEVER get back with him but Im just so hurt and absoluetley heartbroken by this I can never forgive him doing this to me.

    I know Ive been an idiot and set myself up by texting him so what do you suggest I do? Help! :(

    • Emily May 28, 2014 at 4:54 pm #

      By the way we were together for 3 years and LDR for 2 , I graduated 2 years ago and moved back home. He failed a year at uni last year – when he was meant to be graduating – so I waited a whole other year for him to finish and finally have some time and not be stressed – then 2 weeks before the end – the moment I had been looking forward to for 2 years he ended it. :(

    • Photolic May 28, 2014 at 10:15 pm #

      Today i went to my dentist, and when i was ready to go home, i saw her with 2 friends (girls), but she didn’t saw me, i was inside the the dentist building at the time. My heart start to move really fast, i don´t know if was because of the dentist painkillers or what, but for the firs-time i broke the NC from my side.

      I text her saying “Hey, i just saw you passing by with your friends, when i was in the dentist today. I saw you smooth your hair, still i think the other one fits you better in the summer time, free the Curly hair again! ”

      she replied saying “Hey, i just smooth the hair today, all of the other days i used my curly hair, its was a coincidence that you saw me like that! You could have called me and talk to me. Are your teeth shining???”

      I joked around a bit saying that my teeth are fine and beautiful just like my dog ones.

      After my joking text and without predicting it, she text me saying!!!!

      “We have to go to the cinema see Rio 2 (some kind of a animation film) if you want to come with me. I don’t go to the cinema for a long time ”

      I replied again: telling her i would like to see also a movie, but a different one, but i didn’t know, i don’t have much time lately, i will think about it, and say you something latter.

      She replied again “I like that movie you suggest also, You don’t know???, are you making it difficult to come to cinema?? Ok.”

      She expected for me to take her invite right away but i didn’t, and i finish the message trading by saying, don’t be like that, i will think i say something latter.

      Well the problem here is, the cinema is not the best place to see your ex-girlfriend for the firs-time in person, after 2 month with LC almost NC from me. If she want me was a friend its going to be hard, because i have to start the healing process again, i still love her, but im not healed, far from it, i’m just much more rational that emotional in this phase.

      What do you think i should do? gamble a date in cinema with her, because i have the power for invite her or not, im thinking to wait a week before i call her to go out to cinema but i dont know.

  7. tj May 28, 2014 at 6:45 pm #

    Hey if anyone needs someone to talk to, you can email me; jedukhan@mail.com, I come to this site several months ago when I was going through a horrible break up, I was having suicidal thoughts and panic attacks (I posted my story on this site at the time) worst of all, I had no friends no one to help me through this horrible time, I’d distant myself from everyone during my relationship, I wanted to talk to someone who’d actually care for me, help me through that horrible time. At the time I promised myself I’d be there for anyone who was going through heartbreak and had no one. I’m sorry if this is the wrong place to post this. But remember you’re not alone, as time goes past you will be a break up survivor :) if anyone needs to talk I’m here for you :)

  8. Suzan Martin June 5, 2014 at 11:15 pm #

    Thank you so much for this post, I learned the hard way that no contact is the best thing to do, and today I made the decision to start it. You see me and my ex broke up a few months ago, and then I stupidly suggested we be friends. He agreed, and then later he started asking me for romantic advice to use for a new girl he was seeing. Unfortunately I over reacted, and I said awful things that I regret to this day and always, and he never replied to any of it. He just gave me the silent treatment. I realized after that point that I’m not over him and I can’t do the friend thing. So, I sincerely apologized for everything and said it was all my fault and I went no contact. I don’t feel great right now, but I am hoping this will change. My question is can someone forgive you after being so hurtful with your words, and will no contact reduce the guilt. Note: I am sure we won’t be back together , I realize he has no real feelings for me and I accept that, I just feel guilty for things ending so badly ? What should I do.

  9. tricey June 11, 2014 at 1:18 am #

    I have not talk to my husband in 32 daysvi have been doing the no contact going on 32 days I just feel he has been using me this whole time we have been together witch has been 14 yrs married 9 yrs I have been so loyalty to this man he has made a baby in our marriage and I still took him back even when my family said no I think he has love for me but not in love with me I think its something wrong with him seriously but I just got tired of doing everything by myself paying bills and him not doing anything he like to run the streets and I like to work and take care of me and my kids I just feel so dumb at times all the time cause I was so down for him he has tried calling about his kids I do notvanswwe his mom tried calling I do not answer he has really good points about himself but he treats me to mess up he text me a couple of times that he is sorry and he miss me and the kids bit I feel like if you really care you would be here not out in the streets he got a new car we have had some good times but most bad but I feel so sad cause I wanted my marriage to work so bad I just want him to suffer for treated me and his kids like this so me doing the right thing by NC RULE please tell me what I should di

  10. Thao2653 June 12, 2014 at 5:50 pm #

    So out of the blue my first girlfriend at the age of 26 broke up with me. She is 31. May I also add she is also a co coworker. I now have to see her everyday at work. She and I are both very popular people at work and everyone knows us.

    We only dated for 6 months. I was the happiest man on earth. She was happy to as I could tell. She did tell at me for a couple of things and I took them to the heart and would do better. We never had a real argument/fight. We agreed to never do anything that would hurt each other and that if we had a problem we would talk about it first hand.

    So before the weekend as she was going to go on a trip with her friends I saw she was kind of angry with me with something…She came back from her trip and wanted to have a talk…

    She said I wasn’t supportive enough, didn’t take her out enough, listen enough, everything wasn’t enough for her. We agreed to talk if we had issues , but she kept it all bottled up, and she tells me it’s over. We never got to even work it out.
    Its not fair! She never told me anything. Relationships are based on communication and she never expressed any of these things to me. She seemed happy and laughing before up till this day. She didn’t even want to work it out. It’s not fair! Out of the blue she says I’m not good enough when I gave it 110% every time. It’s not fair!

    Thinking about it now, going back I’m finding the signs which may have triggered it, I noticed them, I worked on it, apparently I didn’t work on it enough for her.

    With that said I don’t know how to not avoid her at work and deal with hanging out with our friends and with her as well.

  11. Lily June 13, 2014 at 10:43 pm #

    Hello, I was in a relationship for 2 years. My boyfriend left me in our 6th month saying that we don’t have a future and his family wouldn’t accept me because his family is religious and from another culture). Than I tried to understand him (eventhough I was hurt because he made this relationship began and he knew that we are from different cultures) and I said ok.

    But after a few weeks he called me and said he loves me and wants to contunie. Then be began again. But after 6 months, he left me again saying the same problem. This time I was really hurt because during relationship he said he wanted to marry me. So, I cried, begged, called him every day for 3 months.

    After then, I decided to finish everything and didn’t call him anymore. I didn’t call or write him etc. I was begining to heal.. During this time, he wrote me some e-mails saying that he was sory, he feels bad etc. But he didn’t say about being together again. I didn’t respond him. He came up at my work 2 times. I said I don’t want to see him anymore. So, 3 months passed in this way.

    Then, he began to call me like crazy, texted me saying that he only wanted to speak, nothing else. After all, I responded him, we had discussion on the phone, he said he loves me, misses me and he said he wants to speak with me, I said I don’t want to talk (but he came to my flat at 04.00 a.m. without asking permission) he said we will never leave me, he loves me etc. And I forgave him again.

    And, another 6 months we had relationship, then he left me again 1 month ago. It was our anniversary day. He said there is no need to celebrate our anniversary because we don’t have a future. I was angry hearing this again. I discussed with him and we broke up again. I have never called him since. He wrote me 2 e-mails in which he asked how I am and sent some of our photos that I didn’t have. I didn’t respond.

    He hurted me so much. I don’t know.. Unfortnately I love him, but I don’t trust him anymore. I am crying and feeling bad. I see his facebook and instagram pages, he seems happy with his friends (girls and boys). I don’t know what to do. Can you please give me some advices??

  12. Dee June 21, 2014 at 11:31 am #

    I wasn’t aware of the no contact rule at first and after a week of not talking-post break up he text me asking how I was, I told him I’m depressed and want him back. The thing is at that point I was messaging him n vice versa after the break up as I thought it was a petty reason and we would get back together as we always have done. The reason for the break up was as he felt we aren’t compatible but for three years he kept me as a gf. He said it was hard letting go. I asked about marriage on a number of occasions and he always said he wasn’t ready. I honestly don’t think he sees his flaws, only mine. I want nothing more than to get him back now ..I really love him but he’s adamant we can’t be friends or ever get back together. What do I do? Do I continue NC for the 30 days and if he doesn’t contact me then what should I do? Please help

  13. Kyla June 24, 2014 at 12:16 am #

    I just got out of an extremely unhealthy relationship. I knowingly knew of this but fought feroudcioulsy to save it even when it wasn’t my fault because he was my first love. He made a habit of telling me, whenever we had an issue, “I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore”. He never cared about my feelings. The first time he told me this, I thought it was over only for him to call back and tell me he didn’t mean it and we could work things out. It was on and off, and there were often times where it was unofficial. He knew when I was upset and would always call and apologise but now I question whether that was even real?
    He was very manipulative, had trust and control issues with signs of split personalities. He has an image problem he says but he’s seems quote good with people and works in sales, so I never understood that. I have to question everything he ever told me because he lied and played mind games with me. There were times when he was there for me but not always with complete love. Each break up was more spiteful than the last and usually I take his calls but decide not to towards the end and then he started cursing me out and saying hurtful things he’s never said to me before. He got angry in the past but never called me an idiot or bitch etc but he did. DO you think hell ever apologise? Or try and win me back? Because this is fresh I can’t help but think this even though I KNOW he won’t change and shouldn’t want him back.

    Its rather pitiful :(

  14. Kay June 25, 2014 at 8:10 pm #

    It has been nine months since we broke up and I did the no contact only to have him contact me after 6 months to inform me basically that he was still healing from me hurting him and maybe in the future we could be friends again. 3 more months passed and then suddenly I heard from him and he went off about how I hurt him and he was moving on and we couldn’t be friends etc. I have never loved anyone the way I love this man and I believe he is now seeing a girl he met shortly after he let me have it. The no contact rule in my case did not work as I am still just as miserable 9 months later as I was the day we quit talking. I do love him though and want him happy so I smile hoping this girl will give him the happiness he deserves. I can not say there was anything wrong in the relationship because the breakup was caused by me (no I did not cheat) and a stupid decision I made although at the time I truly thought it was the right decision. I have been asked out so many times and I cannot let myself ease up and have a good time at all. I am constantly comparing all guys to him and none match up to him and make me feel the way he did. Any advice? I am tired of being stuck. My heart holds out hope that he will come back to me but my head knows I am being an idiot and that there is no chance.

  15. ElleF June 30, 2014 at 11:49 pm #

    I am doing the no contact rule. My bf and I were very casual for 18 months and I kept breaking it as he wouldn’t make it more than casual.
    I caught him lying about not being at work and saw someone leaving his house which he has always denied.
    He has made a huge effort to get me back and as it has all unfolded I found out that he had been seeing his ex who is in the line of work. He said they hadn’t been sleeping together but there has been so much lying from him and hiding his mobile… And the trust has gone so I broke it off completely. I had to live everyday wondering if he was dog walking with her or popping into hers for coffee as he told me that’s what they were doing… She had left him a letter as he said he had broken it off with her and she wrote ” give me a reason to take you back” which suggests she broke it off…?
    I love him but can’t trust him.
    I’ve done the right thing? Or should I believe him and is it my fear about him doing it again? He’s introduced me to his family now and talked about living together and marriage and wants me to go on a family holiday. Have I given up and it’s been too hard?
    I said to him that all the good things he is now doing has been born from him being caught out and he said he should’ve sorted this out a long time ago… But he still won’t admit any more than friendship but is clearly a lie.
    I don’t know if I’m just punishing him now.

  16. Kris July 2, 2014 at 11:31 pm #

    I’ve been with my ex for just 2 months but we’ve been talking before we got exclusive. Everything was perfect. Nothing went wrong. I was great to him and he was really great to me. Then He’s moving to another state because of his work (pilot). Not sure if that became a reason why he changes his mind towards me. I begged him to keep the relationship but he said no and I’m better off alone. We did agree about maybe remaining friends but that all depends how things will be. I deleted him on my contact list, fb, skype. I honestly don’t expect a call or message from him. But for some reason, he still asks me how I’m doing from time to time or how my day is going. Not sure why but I am actually happy about it. I will take him back if he asks but I won’t beg him back. But if this is only about our agreement of just being friends, then I don’t mind. Sure I love him. But I’m not going to put my life on hold because of what happened. I still hope for a future together, but I’m not going to show that after he basically dumped me. Aahh. Love. Hard to find lasting love.

  17. Scarlett July 15, 2014 at 10:00 am #

    Hi,

    I don’t know what to do anymore. My boyfriend broke up with me and doesn’t want anything to do with me. He probably hates me now. We’ve been having arguments lately because of the things I did which I now regret. :’( I didn’t exactly cheat on him but I was interacting with my guy friends online (which he found inappropriate) and I never told him about it. I really feel guilty. I’m doing everything I can to keep him but he told me that he can’t trust me anymore. We’re in a long distance relationship which makes all of this worse. Can I really get him back even if I’m the one at fault? I love him, but I’m afraid he doesn’t love me anymore. How do I fix this? Please help. We’ve been together for almost 9 months. :(

    • Piteus July 15, 2014 at 8:18 pm #

      Scarlett – we all make mistakes. The beauty of love … forgiveness. You can only do what you can control … yourself. Otherwise, you can’t control what you can’t control. Sometimes you learn and move on. One of my favorite quotes: “if you love someone, set them free. If it was meant to be, they’ll be back. If not, it wasn’t.” Point being … you can only control yourself. You need to let go of things you can’t control. It will only destroy you emotionally if you dwell on it.

  18. Kandis July 23, 2014 at 7:04 pm #

    Me and my ex started dating last year around this time and broke up in December. We were on and off after that and two months ago we ended up doing something (big mistake). We would text every now and then but i started to get use to not hearing from him everyday. But yesterday i logged on facebook and see that this girl tagged him in her relationship post stating that they are in a relationship now. When i saw him two months ago i remember he told me about her and said they were just talking. We stay 2 hours away from each other but she stay in his hometown so i figured they would start dating one day but not so soon. Unfortunately for me, i still have feelings for him. Idk if he’ll even pick up my phone call now or respond to a text. What do you think i should do?

    • crazychick7 August 2, 2014 at 7:00 pm #

      My ex is now with someone else. You just have to leave it all behind and move on. No contact. I once read that you shouldn’t convince someone that you are amazing, if they can’t see this and are with someone else, leave them to it. It is hard…

  19. Hopegator July 31, 2014 at 9:57 pm #

    So my girlfriend broke up with me for 1 month now after 3 years of being together. She broke up with me because I was seeing my ex last summer when she left the country for 2 months. She found out about this around March, but this July she decided to break up with me. I feel extremely guilty for what I did and have been asking her for forgiveness . I believe we both are still deeply in love with each other even now but she says she can’t move on from what happened, still very upset about it, and doesn’t trust me with girls, basically no trust in me. We still keep in contact ever since the break up. She wants us to remain friends and never wants me out of her life forever. She says she wants a few months to think through whether she wants to be with me again or just be single, and we can hang out when she feels comfortable to see me again. Right now we just Skype and Facebook message each other almost everyday. I realized I really love this girl and would really want to be with her again, I promised her that I would change and that she can trust me for one last time. But she says she doesn’t want to talk about relationship right now, she just wants us to focus on ourselves, grow and change from this, and be happy for now.
    I want to know if there is anything i can do to gain back her trust. Should I do no contact for a month so she has the chance to miss me? She says she is happy that we are still able to talk to each other everyday, but this doesn’t make her miss me. Any advice?

  20. crazychick7 August 2, 2014 at 6:56 pm #

    Me and my ex dated for more than a year. It’s been 10 months since we split up. I begged, pleaded, got angry, shouted, declared my love and said I would change. I tried no contact and then being friends in a desperate attempt to get him back. It obviously didn’t work – I just came across as pathetic. My ex is now with someone else and I was heartbroken – still am. It’s taken me until now to accept it and start to move on – its taken 10 months and still I’m not fully recovered. But I’m back on no contact (for my own sanity).
    During my low points I read so many posts about how no contact gets an ex back. But what it did was keep me hanging on to hope and kept me in a state of being in love with my ex and not moving on, because apparently no contact means they’ll come back right?!. Please don’t do it to yourself, Give up the hope that’ll you’ll get back together no matter how much it hurts.

    • Piteus August 3, 2014 at 7:47 am #

      IF you love someone, let them free. If they come back, it was meant to be. If they don’t, it was never going to happen.

      The KEY is not to wait … expect the worst. The only thing you can control is yourself. Make yourself a better person … and in the end, you benefit no matter what happens. So stop punishing yourself and live life. IF you wait for someone, then you delay living life.

      • susan August 6, 2014 at 12:06 am #

        i agree with you but its easier said then done.Im in a real pickle that i caused.I should have just moved out this summer. Now im here surrounded by my ex stuff.Yes he left everything here.He owns the house so i guess he feels its ok .I have been told his stuff is now mine even thou he owns the house.I dont want his stuff. What i do want is for him to sit down and talk to me . He has always been one to throw fits .He was very spoiled growing up .It really never stopped because his parents are always there for him. Right now he lives in his sisters vacation house. He wont answer the door there either. Hes gone into his shell like a turtle.Anyways on top of everything else my ex claimed my kids on his taxes that aren’t even his children. I found out because he left a bank statement here open in the office.i spoke to him about it . he said i didnt owe rent till sept. now i wonder if he will go back on his word. since hes not thinking very clearly.

  21. susan August 5, 2014 at 11:57 pm #

    Hello,

    Me and my ex broke up in early April.I just moved back in with him again. He and i were apart for 6 months.Although we were still seeing eachother the entire time apart.We only spent a few days a week together. I moved back because he and i agreed it was what we wanted. So in early April we had a argument .He told me i moved myself back in .That really hurt my feelings .I was very angry because i left my rental.I felt so unwanted too.Anyways i threw the remote and it took out his tv. I realize now i should not have acted out like this.I was willing to replace the item but he just up and packed his stuff and left that night. He then came back that following weekend to talk to me.He claimed to have went through some form of sexual abuse in the house we lived in.You see he bought his childhood home from his parents years ago. He asked me that day if i could move out in a few months.I told him no since i took me a long time to find the other house i was renting before i moved back.Anyways he then left shortly afterwards.The next time he came back i got him to sign a lease i drew up.I have only seen him about 4 times since he left me in April. He has not been over since late May early June. I have no way to contact him.He wont answer my emails etc. He had no cell phone when he moved out.But i suspect he has one now.I am so down about everything i feel hopeless. People tell me to wait it out. I cant even get my ex to collect the rent i owe him or fix anything here thats broken. I feel like moving but worry he will hold the lease i wrote up against me.I have read alot of articles about men who go through the change of life.Also i have read about how to deal with men who abused as children. I think about the things he said after the fight.He told me he didnt know if he would ever be ok again. My ex will not get help or meds etc. So any advice anybody?

  22. Herman August 9, 2014 at 5:41 pm #

    Guys,i just did a mistkae that make my best friend (she) angry. We were both widows.
    We were close friend till 1 day i messed things up.I ruined her dating.I was to afraid if her dating runs well, she cannot give more her times for me anymore.
    First she ask me out to help do things,but i have other appointment with other friend.After that tomorrow i ask her,she told ,e that an old friendjust came from other town to visit her.
    I was a little bit not comfortable,but she also said she is not really in mood to go out with this guy.That day,i went to a cinemamto wtach amoviem at first it crosed my mind to ask hermto go to moviembut hthen i decided juts to buy 1 ticket,when she texted memthat she want to go to movie with me,but i rejected her “U should go with him,he came so far about 400 miles just to see you.” But Inside i wanted her to wacht the movie.Shortlymthey showed up in the same cinemamonly i came firstm the movie started about 5 minutes when they came inside.
    Then BAM,i texted her (so stupid) that i also in the same cinema,i kept text her for the next 3 hours,
    The next day she pretty angry with me, she still answered my phonem but she acused being spying on her made her and her friend uncomfortable.Even she said that that her friend is very nice guy. (yesterday she said that she didn’t really want to go out with taht guy, she rather gou to movie with me)
    I apologize to her admit that i was childish. She can accept that, but she siad that she not considered me as abest friend anymore.
    I really regret this.

    Is there any chance that we can be a best friend again?

    Please help.

  23. Stefanie August 11, 2014 at 12:51 am #

    I am on day 14 of the breakup.my bf broke up with me out of the blue.i wouldn’t say I am coping well.i want him back yes but I know that it’s not going to work.its very painful though as you all know.anyway my problem is I cannot move on as he still lives with us,our daughter and me.for several reasons I cannot kick him out; I don’t work and need him to pay for us,I don’t want to spoil the relationship between him and his daughter and Where can he go?he said to me he will move out eventually when he got money to get himself a place which I think is fair enough?isnt it?yes I love him and I am in shock but can I be heartless and tell him to leave?what if I do and he won’t pay for us?what if I do and he accuses me of not letting him see his daughter?only because he is an asshole who didn’t want to work things out between us ( yes I am very hurt and angry) I shouldn’t come between him and her right?
    Anyway I cannot start the 60 days NC to get over him.can I ? What can I do? I need advise pls what to do when kids are involved.shes almost 3 years old so very little but I don’t want her to notice a change as I am scared it will damage her.
    We never fight or anything it’s not an abusive relationship at all.i am so confused what can I do?

    • Amelia August 24, 2014 at 3:50 pm #

      Re Stephanie

      it sounds like someone is playing games with you. I think the advice here is good but it doesn’t apply to your situation. You need to play along with your boyfriend.Tell him fine I agree with you .. you also need to start looking for work. also go to court house and get him served with a child support order. You should be able to serve him. regardless of what he says get an order in place. if courts ask you tell them he is looking to move out and you want him served while you know where he lives.. You also need to get a job.and apply for help at your local state office. Be careful who you talk too. Some females will give you very bad advice. Some people enjoy creating drama. do not let him think he’s hurt you. you need to be strong. For your child’s sake get the order for support no matter what. get a job so you feel more confident .he will most likely want you back before your done becoming a independent woman. But he is going to do this again. So for your kids sake get support order a job and a life outside of him. Join a church or local support group or get counseling.. you will regret not getting your life on order.. I don’t want you to look back on this situation and say I should have taken that ladies advice. also be weary of those you confide in.your man is your best friend .. but its healthy to talk to other people.. just becareful who you mingle with. Every person in your life family or friends is what your child will learn from. Make wise choices my dear.. also you could go to college if you have little work exsperinece .. OK I wish you well..

  24. Dave Gerrard September 7, 2014 at 5:17 pm #

    Hello,
    My girlfriend broke up with me 10 days before because i broke her trust.
    Now she feels uncomfortable with me.She also said that she hates me and she had no feelings for me. It really hurts when she told me this.I pleaded to her to came back in my life but she is not listening to me and now she cutoff all means of communication with me. I love her a lot and I want her love back. Please tell me what should I do.

  25. dj September 12, 2014 at 7:10 am #

    Hey!
    Me and my boyfriend were in relationship for almost 3 years. We are going to complete 3 years in September end only.
    Like normal couples we had ups and down in our relation.
    I know he loved me truely. And obviously I love him more. We had our future plans together. He was the one who used to talk about our marriage most of the time.

    Well, im over possessive for him and he used to love that about me a while ago. I myself dont even talk to other guys. I dont drink or smoke. In short I was the girl he ever wanted to be with. His mother liked me (he told me that).

    His friends always took my side when me and my boyfriend had a fight. During last 2 months, we fought so much more or less on the same reason. But after 2-3 days he was the one who was actually begging for another chance. He told me he’ll never be with anyone else but me even if I didnt give him another chance.

    But his college started this very month only and I see a big change in him. He was no longer interested in talking to me. He used to avoid me but never said that to me. He told me that he is now interested in socialising and making new friends ( he rather enjoyed being alone and loved to talk to me only).
    I guessed his Facebook password and saw that he was flirting with other girls. Asking for their number. He told one of his college friend(girl) that he is single for past 6 months but thats not true.
    He started lying to me. I never told him that I had his password. But one day I decided to confront him because he was treating me like shit just because he got new friends and new college life.
    Instead of giving me an explanation or feeling guilty about it, he got mad and kept on asking from where did you got my password. And he blocked me right away. I cried a lot. He is not like this.
    He used to tell me everything what he did all day but in last few days he says ” you can never ask me what I do, who I meet, with whom I talk” . This is plain stupidity. If im his girlfriend I have all the right to know all this. I know he s possessive for me too. If I ever did what he s doing, he would have never seen my face in his life.
    We both a same. We both felt the same way. Now he complains that im over possessive for him and I have a small thinking. But he does the same thing.
    If I can do this for him then whats wrong in expecting the same thing from him.
    Its been 10 days when he blocked me and I never tried to contact him nor did he. I m shocked that he is not missing me at all.

    He didnt even tell about our break up to his close friends. I myself told them. And when his best friend talks about me and what went wrong. He only says “dont talk about her please I m trying to divert my mind”

    He loved me so much I can bet. But I know he is frustrated from me and I guess wants to know other people more and wants to create distance from me.
    I dont know whats going on.
    We go to the same gym and I was trying to be strong in front of him and didnt even look at him. But I guess its not working. I stopped going to the gym.

    Before blocking me he told me he loves me but he cant be with me for what I have become.:( ( I was the same from past 3 years its him who has changed)

    Please tell me whats going on and what should I do?
    I do want him back. I love him. But I want him back as a person I loved. He is changed now. Hitting on other girls and lying to me will not be tolerated. I dont want to be his doormat. I need to show my value and should not be taken for granted.

  26. Danielle September 23, 2014 at 2:56 am #

    Morning! I’ve been looking for somewhere that I could tell someone my situation and hopefully find some advice! Thank you firstly for reading my story.
    My partner and I have been together 2 1/5yrs, we’ve lived together for almost 2yrs. The first year was awesome, the second year we started to really knuckle down and work harder to save money as we wanted to buy a house this year.
    He didn’t grow up in a supportive family, his brother practically raised him, he was 11 and his brother 13, they were left in a caravan by their father to fend for themselves basically. They each pushed each other through life, and they now own their own business and are very successful which is fantastic! As a result of not having parents, he’s never been very good at communication – he admitted to me all his life he’s never dealt with issues just ran from them, and he’s very ‘me’ orientated when it comes to sudden decisions. He’s an awesome person and I love him dearly!! Over our time together he’s been getting good at talking to me about how he feels etc. And he’s always been open to me from the beginning that he wanted marriage, kids etc – this is where it starts to get sticky, I’ve had two seriously relationships before him and I feel that during our relationship I was always worried that it would end, something great like this couldn’t last and so whenever he wanted to discuss marriage etc I would deflect, talk about something else, I told him I wanted to wait 3-5yrs, and I think he took this as rejection. Anyways, in the last 6mths of our relationship, we both worked harder, I was away from home 12hrs a day 5 days a week, he worked 12-16hrs a day 6 days a week and took up the hobby golf, which he would play on Sundays, which is fine, I know he needs man time. The issue came when he started spending EVERY Sunday playing golf and we were not spending quality couple time together, and I mentioned this to him, and it started a fight and so it continued, I was frustrated with him because I wanted time with him and he didn’t want to spend time with me because I was always frustrated! We broke up, and I thought I was fine with it, we had a lease that ended 5wks after we broke up, but during the first week, as I was packing some of my things I realised I didn’t want us to end. I spend a weekend at my parents place and left him a letter pouring out my heart, telling him I know where we went wrong and I knew how to fix us, and that I didn’t want our relationship to end.
    When we next spoke, he said he could see where I was coming from but he was sitting on the fence about us getting back together, he could see us happily every after but he also new our past and how bad we were at the end. I did my best to show him during the remaining four weeks of our lease that I could change, and I have changed – I’m working towards being the person I WANT TO BE and still am, another three weeks later. He seemed concerned that it was just a faze and he said he felt like we were being ‘fake’. He said, we have all the time in the world, just give it time.
    We’ve moved now, he into the house he bought, me into a rental. We’ve seen each other a couple of times, and each time it’s been nice, in the beginning I didn’t harrass him with emails, fb, texts or calls, but whenever I had a reason to contact him I did, bond from our unit, boxes of stuff etc If I dont contact him, he doesn’t contact me, and this confuses me because he says he wants to see where we go. I began reading ‘getting the ex back’ sites and discovered the No Contact rule, and I’ve been doing this. We both go to an alfa course, the last of which is this week, on a Wednesday night. Last Wednesday, we hadn’t seen or talked to each other in four days, I got there early and I thought he may not even turn up because it had started. Suddenly he appeared, he looked straight at me, walked in touched my arm and said hello, then grabbed a chair and sat next to me. He asked me how I’ve been sleeping and I was honest in saying not well, he said he’s also struggling. We kept conversation light and polite. Once the course was over he asked me to stay back a few mins, and I agreed. He asked me to have dinner at his place the next night (Thurs) and to go for a drive with him in his new ute Sunday week – next Sunday. I agreed. Then I walked towards my car and he said ‘Hey, what about a hug? You’re walking away, like something I would do.” So I hugged him, he kissed me and he said he’s unsure where we’re going to go, he said he’d invite me over that night, but it’s already late, etc, I didn’t suggest anything or hint at anything, because I want this to be his decision and not something manipulated by me! He said he’d call me the next afternoon re dinner.
    He called me after work and he sounded happy, so I mirrored him, kept the conversation short and sweet. I told him I’d be going home first to shower and change.
    I stopped to get some food for dinner and then headed to his after showering. He hugged me at the door, we chatted lightly, I asked him why he’d asked me over for dinner and he said ‘because it felt like the right thing to do.’ I said I was hoping for more than that and he started to seem a little uncomfortable so I dropped the subject and changed it to something else. Over dinner he took a mouth full of food and then sighed and said ‘I was going to say something, but I already know what your answer is going to be.’ and I told him to just say it anyway, he said I miss your cooking but you’re going to say, is that the only thing that I miss. I jokingly replied, is that the only thing that you miss.
    He then wanted to talk about the relationship, HE brought it up, he said, if we get back together, he doesn’t want to look at the breakup as a breakup but more as us killing the old relationship that didn’t work and starting fresh, he said he doesn’t feel for me the way he used to and he’s not sure if it will come back, he said, if he says the L word again, that’s it for him, there won’t be another.
    I agreed with him, and then changed the subject as I didn’t want to end the night on an emotional or sad level. We watched a zombie movie and ate ice cream, then when we said goodnight, I’ve normally stalled and said I miss him and I wish I wasn’t leaving him, but that night, I said goodnight, we hugged, he kissed me goodnight and I walked out. I walked to my car which was parked beside his garage, as I was reversing the garage door opened and he opened my passenger door and kissed me twice more, then without a word closed the door and went back inside.
    I sent him a text when I got home saying ‘Made it home! Thank you for the lovely night, gross zombies included. Sweet dreams.’ He replied ‘ha ha ha, I had a nice night too, sweet dreams.’ It’s been five days since then, and I’ve not heard a word back. I’m so confused. I miss him like crazy, but I don’t want to bother him. Are you able to give me some insight? I’m scared, I miss him and I really want to find a way for us to work, because I know it can. I’m continueing with bettering myself – self help books, getting closer to God, motivation, cutting out sugar, exercising etc – 7kgs down and feeling better but I’m not sleeping and I feel lost without him.

    Thank you for reading!!

  27. Damien September 28, 2014 at 8:23 pm #

    Hi, Me and my Ex were dating for 3 months .. we met through mutual friends, the day we met a passion I have never felt before came over me, she felt the same and asked me to take her to the cash machine (for safety) I agreed and as we walked to the cash machine a few people stopped us and said … you two make a lovely couple, I just smiled, she said “we’re not a couple…. YET” then looked at me and smiled.
    after looking into her eyes and her looking into mine, we embraced in one of the most amazing kisses I have ever received.. we were a couple from then on.
    we stayed at a friends that night to get to know each other better before committing to a relationship.. we got on like a house on fire, and the relationship soon flourished, the first date was amazing .. neither of us could have been happier, I took her home and she invited me in for coffee, I had a coffee then left.. a couple of days later we were back in each others arms.
    for the first month we spent every day and all the time we could together, then things started to change.
    after month 2 she started to hit me and call me names, tell me I stink and she didn’t like my clothes, I changed my clothes to 2 sizes smaller (I like to wear baggy clothes she likes them to be tight), I showered more often (to no help, I sweat as soon as I get out the shower or bath, I use different deodorants but none of them work for long) I only wore the clothes she liked.
    on month 3 we were arguing quite a lot and decided we needed space .. we had arranged the previous month to go to Slovakia (her native country) for me to meet her parents, I stated I thought this could be a mistake, she reassured me things would be fine, so we went.
    the whole time in Slovakia she was with her family and friends … I don’t speak Slovakian so she had to translate for me as nobody else spoke English.
    on the 4th day of the holiday (and me feeling bored and like a spare part) we went out with her friends drinking .. the only person to talk to me, one of her Slovakian friends saw she was not talking to me so decided he needed to, he bought me a few drinks and I bought him a few back .. a lot later that night I remember nothing .. but apparently I got in a fight with somebody and argued with my girlfriend I stormed off angry and managed to find her house (god knows how) she turned up a few hours later and we argued but I remember nothing, she told me to pack my bags and leave .. I did.
    the train was due to take me to the airport at 10:41, she phoned me at 10:37 asking me to come back, I needed too as I left my plane ticket with her.
    we had a chat and I said it was a mistake me coming .. I apologized for my drunken state the night before.
    we made up and agreed not to drink unless it was a small amount.
    a week later we returned to England, and things were great … then we had a small row and she told me the only reason she asked me to return to the house in Slovakia, was because her parents told her to … they also told her if she wanted to break up with me do it in England.
    we lasted 3 days after that, then she told me I’m suffocating her and she needs time without me, I give her time but she doesn’t message me at all … I messaged her asking if she had a good day at work and she said yes but shes tired, I wished her a good nights sleep and continued doing my own thing, 2 hours later I noticed she was still online (while i was talking with another friend) I messaged her asking if she was okay as shes online 2 hours after saying shes tired, she logged off and went to sleep.
    the next morning she replied “so f***ing what if I’m online 2 hours later, it’s none of your business” I replied apologizing reassuring her I was just checking she was alright .. as I was.
    2 days later I was out with friends and she messaged me telling me we are over, she never wants to see me again.
    I went to her house in my tipsy state and asked her why .. she said she doesn’t feel the same anymore, I said can we try a week of no contact (we’ve never lasted more than 3 days before) she reluctantly agreed. we kissed and hugged passionately and I said my goodbyes, just as I was walking away, she replied, you haven’t lost me forever, you just need to sort a few things, I believe in Karma just the same as you, if we are meant to be together forever, we will be.
    I am very very rubbish and no contact .. shes amazing and I’m not afraid to say the spark I had when I met her is still there, I just genuinely believe she doesn’t love me back.
    I have been round friends and managed to not contact her even thought it’s killing me.

    can somebody advise me, is it worth the trouble or did she fall out of love with me as quick as she fell in it?

    p.s her brothers have spoken to me 1 in England and 1 in Slovakia, both have said just give her time she loves you, but she looked me in the eye and said to me without hesitation, she doesn’t, her parents and little sister love me, even if they couldn’t understand me, so do her friends, and all of my friends have told me shes amazing for me, we both work so well… I just don’t understand what happened.

    thanks

    Damien

    • Damien October 5, 2014 at 1:56 pm #

      Okay so, update on the situation.

      I managed to go 4 days no contact, then I went round to drop her presents off (it was her birthday 2 days later and I wouldn’t have time to see her)

      she refused to accept them to start with but I convinced her, we had a heartfelt chat and she said she is hurting but she didn’t know if she loved me and she didn’t miss me, after about an hour we hugged gave each other a soft kiss on the head and bid farewell both of us saying the other will be okay.

      I started the N/C rule and refused to contact her, deleted her from Facebook and her phone number so I couldn’t make any stupid drunk calls.

      I didn’t contact her on her Birthday and 4 days later went out with my friends, we were having a great night until I bumped into my ex on her birthday party.
      I asked her for quick chat (was going to say she looks happy and I hope we can be civil) but she flipped, started hitting me yelling at me calling me all the names under the sun, then passionately kisses the guy with his arm around her.

      I lost it and ended up fighting.. my friend told me she was doing it to make me jealous, but I don’t know why, I didn’t end it, I did everything I could to make her happy in the relationship and I was just trying to be civil … now I think I pushed her too far away.

      I’m starting N/C again .. I was fine until I saw her with another man, now I’m back at stage one .. in bits and angry at her but I would still do anything to get her back.

      I will keep you updated, please can you give me some advice if you can.

      Damien

  28. Ken October 5, 2014 at 8:13 pm #

    Hi,

    Me and my gf have been dating for close to 4 years and it is an LD relationship. Just this summer, we decided to go on a trip to Malaysia together. Everything was sweet and nice and we spent so much time together. We even travelled together to other places during our vacation. However, after we had to separate and go back to our own cities, everything started to change. In less then a month, we basically broke up into 5-6 big fights. Apparently, my gf says that she loves to play badminton and that she feels that it gives her success. So, every weekdays she is basically playing it till like 11-12am. On the weekends, it gets worse. She would go and “play” from Friday all the way till Sunday and there is basically no ways to contact her at all. This has been happening for a good month or so and everytime I try to bring up the issue, she would just say its giving her a headache and that she likes her current lifestyle. Initially, we planned to get marry after I finish University, but lately I think its a broken dream.

    I never did stop or force her to stop playing badminton ever, but I only requested that she gives me a little attention or a few hours where we can talk in a week. However, her reasoning is that she can’t give up on badminton and that she doesn’t know how to balance her schedule. Recently, I tried to talk to her and to possibly view her reasoning from her perspective. Although I really hate how she has become, I try to bend my values and limits just to give her more flexibility. Now, she asks to give her 2 years time so she can fully pursue her badminton. My question is, what should I do? Should I continue waiting? Should i not contact her? I’m like super lost…………..

  29. Alex Cahill October 10, 2014 at 5:31 pm #

    Hello,
    I was in a relationship for 2 years now, and suddenly my girlfriend decided we should take a break
    I kept talking to her and telling her thats a bad idea but she just couldnt stay with me anymore. We loved each other so much, but then she told me I dont love you the same anymore, some say that its a lie to keep me from talking to her so she could have the time she needs and get things together. So i decided after this not to talk to her until she talks to me back again. Am I doing the right thing ? This thing happened about a year ago but she got back to me, but that time i got her sister to talk to her and get her back to me, now her sister wont help. So i’m a bit confused, and i’m really annoyed and surprised that aftwr all what we passed through, this happened

  30. Ellen October 20, 2014 at 12:41 am #

    Hi everyone, I posted that I was going on a date last week well www update on that.
    I didn’t go!! Nope I was a bit nervous so I cancelled, however, I did meet him last night and although I had a really good night, nice guy, good company etc, I thought of my ex once or twice through the evening. Yep, a year and a half since our break up I still allowed this cretin into my thoughts!
    I have thought about my ex most of the day today and don’t feel so good about it.
    It makes me wonder if I’m not yet ready to date but at the near side of 44, I don’t want life to pass me by!
    I honestly wish he hadn’t got back in touch with me a year after the break up (my ex) cos I can honestly say I was well over him. But being back in touch with each other has opened up a can of worms and I’m feeling down again. I am nowhere near as down as I was, I’m much to strong a person now to allow myself to go back down that road, but yeah I am down.
    So if I can offer some advice to any newcomers then it would be, please please maintain NC, it truly is the only way forward.
    Best of luck guys.
    Blessings 🙏
    Ellen

  31. Haley October 22, 2014 at 12:09 am #

    Hi everyone,

    I just really need some unbiased advice.

    My boyfriend and I have been together since we were 16. We are now 20 (he almost is), so we’ve been dating for 3.5 years. From the beginning of our relationship, I struggled with insecurities. Eventually they made their way into the relationship and I was jealous of everything he did, whether it was hanging out with his friends, drinking, or simply following a girl on social media. In the beginning, probably the first 2.5 years, he put up with my outbursts and we had so many more good days than bad. We’ve been long distance for the past two years, and that cut down on our fights and made us appreciate the time we had together, especially the first year because it was so new. Over the past 6 months, he started acting different. He would become really frustrated with me and negative about things (I think he was a bit depressed about his job). I didn’t respond the way I should’ve and I was supportive of him. Instead I took it personally and only focused on how he was making me feel. We still had more good days than bad but the difference was becoming smaller. We both have become mean to each other and there isn’t any love or affection or happiness between us. We tried a two week break (only focusing on my feelings) which didn’t work and we broke up on Saturday night. It took this for me to realize that he wasn’t happy either and that I NEVER took that into account. I’ve been selfish. I DON’T want to give up because I have finally recognized how I’ve put pressure on him and our relationship and I know what I need to do to make it work. I texted him the next day and he just said that he loves me and I’m his best friend but it’s just not working anymore. Then yesterday I apologized for my part in all of this (not taking the entire blame, but my share). We decided on two weeks NO CONTACT AT ALL (during the break we still talked a bit) and then see where we’re at.
    Main issues: I’m really emotional and he isn’t… that mixed with my insecurities is a recipe for disaster as I constantly doubt his love when he’s showing it the best way he knows how.
    -I’m upset the most because he used to do so many sweet and loving things that I took for granted, and over the past few months I could only focus on what he wasn’t doing.
    -I have problems with “talking myself into anger” and just always being upset over one thing or another, especially when we’re out with others and I don’t have his full attention. This gives me time to REALLY address this issue and my insecurities
    - he has told me so many times that I don’t need to change myself and that he loves me exactly how I am, and I agree. I just need to grow and love/accept myself as well.
    - I think he felt that the relationship was getting too serious and constrictive. Right now he’s only 19 and has a super close bond with his friends (which I felt threatened by). We have YEARS until marriage so why become the nagging controlling wife now?!

    I just need an outsiders opinion on what to do. I’m so scared that he’s going to decide not to try again…

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