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Will No-Contact Get Your Ex Back?

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The No-Contact Rule is a necessity. That’s what most breakup survivors find out the hard way, often after weeks of trying to be friends with their Ex, and suffering through pain and humiliation.

But can it also be a weapon to get back the Ex? Is it ok to still have hope?

Today’s question is from Daniel, who wants to know the answer to these exact questions.

Can we get our Ex back with No-Contact?

Can we?

Please read on.

Eddie,

I’m on Day 25 of NC, this is Day 39 of the breakup.

Long story short, one day we were looking at rings together and talking excitedly about marriage, then the next she broke things off and her reasoning sounded a lot like cold feet, jitters, deep-seated emotional issues like fear of abandonment, intimacy and commitment.

It’s basically her issues and not mine.

I managed to avoid the usual mistakes of begging and groveling to take me back and not giving her her space.

I’m doing NC because it’s ultimately about me and healing, not about winning her back. But emotionally, I want to reconcile and want her back.

In your opinion, will I give up this hope over time as her radio silence continues, and do you advocate NC as the only possible route to reconciliation?

I am having a real rough time accepting the relationship is over. Emotionally it’s like she flipped a switch. And I realize NC prevents me from saying and doing things now I will later regret.

Dear Daniel,

First of all – I know exactly where you are coming from. Two of the most hurtful things during a breakup are the feelings of being blindsided and suddenly alone, as well as the crushed plans you’ve had together for the future.

“What the hell just happened?”, you ask yourself. Our mind usually reacts with numbness. You find yourself in the middle of the “denial-stage”.

Somehow you make it through the days, and at one point sooner or later you make an important realization, (if you’re lucky) – I can’t go on like this. I can’t keep contact with them and at the same time heal.

So you go No-Contact.

Wise decision.

But does No-Contact mean giving up the hope of getting back together? And better yet, is No-Contact a way to reconciliation?

Let me tell you this right away – the hope of getting back together is deeply wired into you. It’s what the heart says.

Now, usually I always recommend to listen to your heart, but NOT this time.

No.

You must know this – someone who just went through a fresh breakup isn’t thinking straight, like a brain damaged, love-blind fool, (sorry to sound so harsh, but its a good metaphor).

All they care about is getting back to the times as they used to be.

The friendship, the love, the understanding, the nearness.

But the head knows better. It shows problems that existed in the relationship, the bad sides of the Ex, the fact that what once is broken rarely gets fixed again to what it was before.

All this knows the head.

But unfortunately not the heart.

No-Contact is the way of listening to the head.

It is doing what is best for YOU as a person.

Will it get your Ex back?

To be honest, it is very unlikely.  Sorry for speaking it out loud, I know this hurts. There were reasons for breaking up and they still exist. They won’t vanish after no contact.

But the HOPE will be present for some time.

It is good to know and to accept that, and to know where it’s coming from. Eventually it will fade, and the heart will look for new ways. This is when healing truly begins, when we fully accept and take responsibility for what happened.

Only then can we learn from the experience and grow with it.

Everyone who just started No-Contact will have a hard bumpy road ahead. You will struggle, fall and stand up again. You will encounter obstacles, road blocks that you must avoid.  Your Ex may try to contact you, your Ex is a co-worker, you have kids together, you will miss them, the temptation of contacting will be almost unbearable.

It will be difficult, maybe the most difficult thing you’ve done, but it’s so worth it.

It’s so worth it.

No-Contact will cut your healing time to a fraction.

It’s true. I know this from my own experience and from coaching so many clients.

My advice to you Daniel is to NOT give in to your emotions. They are sending a false signal. Listen to your head, remember the “bad times”, and try not to idealize your relationship.

Take it day-by-day, week-by-week.

And one day you will suddenly feel MUCH better. Just like you flipped a switch.

Promise.

Do you think that no-contact is a way of getting the Ex back? Please share your thoughts in the comment section below.

Your friend,
Eddie Corbano

, , ,

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422 Responses to Will No-Contact Get Your Ex Back?

  1. Cindy March 27, 2014 at 9:17 am #

    hello,
    I am Cindy Dsouza . i was in a relationship with a school time friend for more than a year. We both came into contact through social sites and we fell in love. He was an amazing person who loved me but he always wanted that i do things according to his way and inform him. He too used to share with me. But as months passing now he slowly reduced his call, messaging and meeting up. His behaviour changed as one day i was very upset so i put a status saying that why do people have no time and all. He read it and said he does not want to be in touch. After that he went for a picnic one week out with his friends and he purchased a beautiful gift for me and some famous speciality of that place. He had told me that he will meet me on a particular day. I was waiting for his call and when i called him he said he forgot and he thought that i told him that i am not available on that day. I got very angry and i said bye and cut the call. After this full scene now from March month he has stopped talking with me at all. When i post pictures on facebook he likes it sometimes or sometimes he does not. I did not try to contact him thinking that one day he will call me. But i am losing hopes. I see him late night online sometimes but he used to never talk to me. I sit quite. I have stopped accessing sites thinking that he will feel where i am and try to find me out. I really love him lots and when he was suffering from breakup after two months i was the girl who supported him, loved him and now when he is stable he does not even remember the care love what i did for him. Please help me what i do.. give me some solution..

    Regards
    Cindy Dsouza

    • Kiki March 31, 2014 at 1:42 pm #

      Dear Cindy,

      I think ” no contact” rule is necessary but it is really difficulty to be silence when you love someone than anything. My girlfriend asked me to do not contact her but i couldn’t stop missing her, it is a natural love disease:(.

      The no contact rule helps especially when the girl or a man still are single but when you think already she/he found someone, It is terrible BUT I am not sure why women do not forgive their boyfriend.

      Time will tell

      Kiki

      • ie April 1, 2014 at 5:54 am #

        Was in a ltldr with a bf from high school years later he broke my heart a year later fell for another who broke me again I’m so over it so whatever they say run it ain’t worth the heartbreak

        • Kiki April 1, 2014 at 8:51 pm #

          I think, you can run and find someone who could joy your soul but does not mean he born from different planet. My advise is to think if your last bf is going to change his behavior or not.
          If yes, then you should ask your heart is he your choice or juts you was with him because of something. If you you truly loved him, then it is necessary to give him another chance. No relationship that is perfect 100% without any obstacle.

          My girlfriend broke up our relationship and heard she found someone:( All at all ,I love her and because of that I don’t see any reason to do not fight for her. Love is once, second love is just because when we have no choice but it is lazy to allow failure while if the possibility of proving your ex-gf/bf believe your the choice.

          No short here

      • Cindy April 13, 2014 at 6:46 pm #

        Thanks for the advice.. I have started the no contact rule. I post my photos on facebook when i am roaming with friends sometimes and i chat with them online i feel okay. Is it fine if i post photos on facebook. I am totally not talking with my boyfriend through text and call. I see him online neither he talks nor i. I feel bad but with a hope that he will realize my love, If he has girlfriend and he has not told me then i must go away from his life. I am really confused. I just want him to get back. Yes its true time will tell and i want that it change him

        Regards
        Cindy

        • Kiki April 15, 2014 at 1:50 am #

          Dear Cindy,

          Try to text him and ask for meeting, tell him that you need to talk with him and you would like to tell him before you take a new action concerning your health(love health). Tell him he meant something to you but you already accepted his decision to ignore your soul.

          When you meet him, you will have a golden chance to show all your sincerely and tell him that every good relationship has a trend of up and down. many people thinks, people who have bad behavor do not change, but that is they way of thinking, It is not true. Where there is a true loves, you have to accept seeing a complicated problem. No loves without obstacle.

          It is the same, when a man find out that, his woman can not give a birth, What the solution? You can not divorce your woman just because she can’t give a birth.

          I am sure, and if he is not a robot, then he will agree to meet you and could be your chance to explain your feedback and what you missed since that time.

          Do not make a revenge on networks, it is the worst behavior. I am sure forgiveness could take place, not now but after few months or weeks.

          I have the same problem, to the one I loved, I tried no contact but is very difficulty for me. No contact helps when you didn’t love your partner:). If you really had someone and at the same time you shared everything with him/her, then her/his image must be on your head as well as heart.

          Again, if you knows the reasons to broke up with your bf, then the chance to be with him could be 80%, the you have to change your behavior and ask him to meet then. You do not need find another guy just because your stress, that is not a solution to win the game.

          Hope you will get your bf, and I believe to get my gf too. Not today or tomorrow but I still have a big hope on her. I don’t see any reason to search a new gf. True love comes once per person. We have to accept forgiveness. But if we loves someone because of his/her bank history, then it is ok to change a our partner like landing a flat.

          Do you think, I have to start my new life and forget about my ex gf?

  2. FBR March 31, 2014 at 7:19 pm #

    Hi all , I haven’t been on here for awhile and I have a question /s about getting back together with an ex- should I or shouldn’t I. I did no contact ( except for a few isolated times) for a year and he’s been chasing me for the past month and 1/2 .
    Perhaps some of you will find the back story interesting .

    Is this the right place to post a question?

    • Kiki April 1, 2014 at 8:36 pm #

      think this is the right place to post the question as far all we need help and advise.

      No one who would like to leave their heart partner just because of behavior which in any means could be possible to change.

      When You love someone, you can do everything to rebuild/re-change our behavior. But when you didn’t love him/her then you would let it go after a broke up moment. Women need care and that care must be from our side as men. Of course sometime you can be with someone just because you needed one night or something like that,

      No contact is a kill but we have to use it in a proper time.

    • Emily May 29, 2014 at 5:44 pm #

      FBR i would love to hear what happened in your story please share!

  3. col April 9, 2014 at 9:59 pm #

    ok, i thought the no contact would help me heal but i also thought it would help my ex see that the grass wasnt greener and i was who he wanted to be with.
    The story is we were in a 8yr relationship bought our house have 3 kids together and im 6months pregnant with baby number 4. He left me 9weeks ago for a girl he works with (they didnt really know each other just worked in same factory) who is 14yrs younger than him…………they have moved in together last week to a rented flat and for the past 9weeks have been telling each other how much they love each other!!!!!
    I am struggling to get over this, he has hardly seen the kids and hasnt text or phoned to ask about them or the unborn baby even though he knows there is some complications. He was always family orientated and spent loads of time with me and the kids as a family.
    Surely jumping into living with a girl after only 8weeks wont last?
    I know he was very stressed with his work and over the years has suffered mild depression could this be why he has run off with her? run away from what he thought were problems?

    • Emily May 28, 2014 at 4:50 pm #

      Hi Col,

      thats awful :( what a horrible person to be able to do that to someone he his supposed to love! Especially as you have 3/4 children together. Its disgusting and shocking behaviour.

      Maybe it is depression or some weird life crisis but yes that relationship definately wont last – hes not dealt with the guilt or grief of leaving you and your children so that will catch up with him, you just have to be patient and wait for that time to come.
      You dont deserve to be treated like that, have you tried talking to a counsellor and do you have any other support from family etc?
      Any update since you last posted? Hope you are ok x

  4. IKT April 30, 2014 at 8:54 am #

    Hello everyone,

    I met this girl for like months ago and It’s like we see each other at work everyday . we became very close as friends (Almost like best friends). Then after a while we both started to have feelings for each other not for a short period but for like 2 months and we were both confused as we were both afraid of “The end”. So finally I decided to go for it as I found this girl perfect from me by all aspects. So we dated for like 3 weeks then we decided to go back to being “Just friends” and the reason we both shared was “Relationships do not last forever but friendships do” and we wanted to have each other in our lives for a long time. She wants to see me everyday now and I thought this was easy for me but it wasn’t ; She is afraid that she will lose interest in me if she dates me after like a month or 2 and she is like “I’d rather struggle myself to get you rather than have you” and well now after breaking up , she is getting me by seeing me everyday . I’m the one who brought up the idea of going back to being just friends because I wasn’t sure If our relationship could last but we are both hoping that our friendship would last. However we still have feelings with each other but I’m just like “Done with struggling all the time” , I’ve got sick of going out with this girl and that girl without having any special feeling for them.
    After the break up I talked that I couldn’t see her because I need to get over her but she was like crying that It’s hard for me blah blah so eventually we got to talk about the relationship we had and she says that “I’m afraid I’ll lose interest in you or I’ll be too attached to you , I wanna keep it between dating you and being your best friend” and In the end she said that give me some time and I’ll ask to be back together If i wanted to.
    So I came to myself and thought that this is too selfish of her that she keeps me in this situation and she is the only girl that I actually cared about but with me being around her , she is always “having me” and I’m the one who’s getting hurt even though I believe that dating her right now might have been wrong (She isn’t always a good girl If ya know what I mean) so I decided to stop texting/calling her and she just called me like 5 times that “Where are you? Let’s go to work together” and I ignored her ; I’m also gonna give both of us space as I’m 100 percent sure that she is gonna miss me a lot but I’m not sure If this is the right call.
    Bottom line is that she loves me and I love her and we are both afraid of losing each other because relationships do not last forever and friendships do (Not always but most) and we are both afraid of getting attached as when we breakup , we will end up hurt and we are both something special for each other . we both suck at serious relationships (Max period we both dated someone was 5 months)

    Any suggestions , Should I just act cool and fight myself to get over her and remain friends or should I use that N/C tactic to make her miss me and we will somehow end up in a relationship or Just get her out of my life

  5. photolic May 5, 2014 at 3:13 pm #

    I had a 4 years relationship with my girlfriend I ‘m 28 years old and she 24.

    We were madly in love during a year and super affectionate, friends, pranksters and accomplices during the remaining.

    Were seen by all as the wonder couple because our complicity and how we touched and we gave affection to each other, the way we played achieved enjoying with our own relationship.

    Two weeks ago I sent a sms after a cold conversation she had with me, we never had a single discussion in 4 years.

    I told her for the first time I had felt that he could lose witch other. To which she replied, “that broke my heart to hear that from you, these are phases that all couples go, we ‘ll get through this, and we will get stronger.”

    After two days of receiving this sms she broke up with me saying she needed a break, both cried that day and even while we were talking , we were kissing and hugging, to support one another . She told me that she felt suffocated by me, got stressed with college exams and did not like living with his father, was feeling bad.
    And told me she no longer felt about me the same as it was in the beginning and the fact that I was unemployed one year and a half , not helped because she saw me as a person aimlessly , and told me that she tried to cheer me up and help me to start working and moving , and only saw me through without motivation. ( I myself was not a good phase) , I was jealous of her university and her friends , I think I have done that because I felt alone and I was depending on her to be happy.

    I took a week without sending any message to her phone, do not exchange any contact. This last week we do not speak, I arranged to meet her at her house to clear things up.

    She told me that she I was fine alone, and had little time to think, was down to the beach to walk alone and realize that for a long time she did not feel so good, she like the sensation to be free again, seems lighter. Hear what she had to tell me without crying and I had a good posture , I told her that I realized my mistakes and had probably lost the woman of my life for my stupidity. She cried and still had to be me to give her a lap and hugs to console her.
    I told her that the break up was good to me also, because I wake up to life and get me moving and treat myself. (Actually was pretending to be strong but was dying inside).

    It was strange to her, she was disturbed to see me talking like that, another weird thing is that she heard from me that some of my friends (girls) already knew that we broke up, and seemed to have been jealous somehow.
    During our conversation i received 2 text messages on my cell phone and she replied something like this “look your friends trying to call you already”. (that somehow got me some hope to have my ex back).

    In the end we both decided that because our relationship was so strong and we never had mistreated or betrayed one another could not be like best friends and see each other all the time because that would not work.
    When I leave that day after the conversation ends, we hug wich other very tight and she gave me a kiss in the neck.

    I thought I was relieved at this end, but in reality spent last eight days after we talked without thinking about her, I think all the time how to get my ex back and this is killing me. I am suffering, all my friends tell me to stop thinking about her, because it was she who ended it, she never called me again, removed the photos witch had with me on facebook and seems to have done everything to forget about me. I think she should be happy and I ‘ve been crying the corners all the time, worst she is posting photos (just 2 new photos to be honest) but in that pictures I see that she is moving on, she is smiling and with good mode. Looking at that just broke my heart.

    Just passed 17 days and she send me a text message wishing me and my family a good easter, and in the same day text me to congratulate me for my football team win in the championship.

    I check her facebook today and her ex boyfriend started to like her new photos, and i know that he is going to be next week in the same party was my ex, 4 day party.

    Im don’t know what 2 do, im pretending to be strong and using no contact rule, I miss her.

    • Emily May 28, 2014 at 4:46 pm #

      Hi Photolic,
      How is it going any update on the situation?
      You need to delete her from facebook so you arn’t tortured by these photos and updates, believe me it helps. I have deleted my ex off of everything but my exes number so i know if he calls or texts. It will probably upset her that you unfriended her but she cant expect you to want to keep her as a friend.
      You need to keep up NC i broke it and im really annoyed I did – I pretended to be strong like you. That probably made it much harder for you to see her and properly say goodbye thats why you are finding it so hard.

      I hope you are feeling a bit better about it all now.

      If she ever texts or calls just ignore them, that is the best way – she isnt going to tell you anything you want to hear shes just going to say things to upset you further. :(

      Sorry you are going through such a bad time – I am also feeling the same – its horrific! But we have to accept it as hard as it is and we cant control them. The best way to feel better is no contact and ignore – it will empower you and make you feel much stronger – especially if she continues to try and contact you.

      I hope you are ok – I have also posted so would appreciate your opinion if you can :)

      Thanks

  6. Emily May 28, 2014 at 4:38 pm #

    Hey everyone,

    Would appreciate some advice and sorry to hear you are all going through the pain too :(

    My boyfriend broke up with me like the flick of a switch – this was 3 weeks ago. He was 2 weeks away from finishing uni so was really stressed with final exams and his dissertation, plus he had a lot of family issues going on which were really upsetting him. Anyway he ended it on the phone in the middle of a silly squabble – I hadnt seen him in a month as I told him to concetrate on getting all the work done. I went to see him even though he said it wouldnt change his mind – which it didnt and I begged him in my shcok but then stormed away.
    Last time I saw him before that it had been like usual and we had such an amazing relationship – all my friends and family used to say so too. He was a really good boyfriend to me so I have really struggled to accept this.
    Anyway he text me when he gave his dissertation in saying he couldnt have done it without me then called me 4 times one day and then text again when he had finally finished uni saying he would never forget all that I had done for him.
    Basically nothing saying he regretted it or wanted to change what he had done. I didnt respond to any of this and was NC for 18 days! was feeling so good about it and so proud of myself.

    Then I had a low day and let my emotions get the better of me and text him – I didnt say anything about lets get back together or anything like that it was just a how are you, how were your exams etc and then he kept saying things like “Thats my girl :)” and calling me my nickname, telling me to say Hi to my parents for him, he also said Im his best friend and always will be he just needs to sort himself out. I was so angry at all of these comments but didnt rise to them and just ignored. Anyway I said its going to be hard losing a best friend as well and I said I had to go to sleep and that I hope everything goes well for him.

    He said I hope we dont lose contact and that he will text me again soon and that he missed me.

    He seems to have it in his head that he can still hold on to me and have me in his life as a best friend.
    I wanted to come across like I was fine and not give him the satisfaction of thinking I was sat at hope crying my eyes out over him.

    Anyway now Im really beating myself up and feeling so disappointed in myself – I shouldnt have text him and now Ive given him the impression that Im fine and can be friends.
    I will ignore his next texts but I know he will text me in around 2 weeks when he gets his final university grade.

    I really am struggling with what to do, whether to text back Congratulations :) or just ignore. By ignoring I may come across like I do care and like im bitter. But then by texting back It may reinforce that we can be friends. This is the only text I would consider replying to because I want to ignore him and make myself feel better and I want him to eventually realise that he made a mistake and have the satisfaction of him chasing me – I would NEVER get back with him but Im just so hurt and absoluetley heartbroken by this I can never forgive him doing this to me.

    I know Ive been an idiot and set myself up by texting him so what do you suggest I do? Help! :(

    • Emily May 28, 2014 at 4:54 pm #

      By the way we were together for 3 years and LDR for 2 , I graduated 2 years ago and moved back home. He failed a year at uni last year – when he was meant to be graduating – so I waited a whole other year for him to finish and finally have some time and not be stressed – then 2 weeks before the end – the moment I had been looking forward to for 2 years he ended it. :(

    • Photolic May 28, 2014 at 10:15 pm #

      Today i went to my dentist, and when i was ready to go home, i saw her with 2 friends (girls), but she didn’t saw me, i was inside the the dentist building at the time. My heart start to move really fast, i don´t know if was because of the dentist painkillers or what, but for the firs-time i broke the NC from my side.

      I text her saying “Hey, i just saw you passing by with your friends, when i was in the dentist today. I saw you smooth your hair, still i think the other one fits you better in the summer time, free the Curly hair again! ”

      she replied saying “Hey, i just smooth the hair today, all of the other days i used my curly hair, its was a coincidence that you saw me like that! You could have called me and talk to me. Are your teeth shining???”

      I joked around a bit saying that my teeth are fine and beautiful just like my dog ones.

      After my joking text and without predicting it, she text me saying!!!!

      “We have to go to the cinema see Rio 2 (some kind of a animation film) if you want to come with me. I don’t go to the cinema for a long time ”

      I replied again: telling her i would like to see also a movie, but a different one, but i didn’t know, i don’t have much time lately, i will think about it, and say you something latter.

      She replied again “I like that movie you suggest also, You don’t know???, are you making it difficult to come to cinema?? Ok.”

      She expected for me to take her invite right away but i didn’t, and i finish the message trading by saying, don’t be like that, i will think i say something latter.

      Well the problem here is, the cinema is not the best place to see your ex-girlfriend for the firs-time in person, after 2 month with LC almost NC from me. If she want me was a friend its going to be hard, because i have to start the healing process again, i still love her, but im not healed, far from it, i’m just much more rational that emotional in this phase.

      What do you think i should do? gamble a date in cinema with her, because i have the power for invite her or not, im thinking to wait a week before i call her to go out to cinema but i dont know.

  7. tj May 28, 2014 at 6:45 pm #

    Hey if anyone needs someone to talk to, you can email me; jedukhan@mail.com, I come to this site several months ago when I was going through a horrible break up, I was having suicidal thoughts and panic attacks (I posted my story on this site at the time) worst of all, I had no friends no one to help me through this horrible time, I’d distant myself from everyone during my relationship, I wanted to talk to someone who’d actually care for me, help me through that horrible time. At the time I promised myself I’d be there for anyone who was going through heartbreak and had no one. I’m sorry if this is the wrong place to post this. But remember you’re not alone, as time goes past you will be a break up survivor :) if anyone needs to talk I’m here for you :)

  8. Suzan Martin June 5, 2014 at 11:15 pm #

    Thank you so much for this post, I learned the hard way that no contact is the best thing to do, and today I made the decision to start it. You see me and my ex broke up a few months ago, and then I stupidly suggested we be friends. He agreed, and then later he started asking me for romantic advice to use for a new girl he was seeing. Unfortunately I over reacted, and I said awful things that I regret to this day and always, and he never replied to any of it. He just gave me the silent treatment. I realized after that point that I’m not over him and I can’t do the friend thing. So, I sincerely apologized for everything and said it was all my fault and I went no contact. I don’t feel great right now, but I am hoping this will change. My question is can someone forgive you after being so hurtful with your words, and will no contact reduce the guilt. Note: I am sure we won’t be back together , I realize he has no real feelings for me and I accept that, I just feel guilty for things ending so badly ? What should I do.

  9. tricey June 11, 2014 at 1:18 am #

    I have not talk to my husband in 32 daysvi have been doing the no contact going on 32 days I just feel he has been using me this whole time we have been together witch has been 14 yrs married 9 yrs I have been so loyalty to this man he has made a baby in our marriage and I still took him back even when my family said no I think he has love for me but not in love with me I think its something wrong with him seriously but I just got tired of doing everything by myself paying bills and him not doing anything he like to run the streets and I like to work and take care of me and my kids I just feel so dumb at times all the time cause I was so down for him he has tried calling about his kids I do notvanswwe his mom tried calling I do not answer he has really good points about himself but he treats me to mess up he text me a couple of times that he is sorry and he miss me and the kids bit I feel like if you really care you would be here not out in the streets he got a new car we have had some good times but most bad but I feel so sad cause I wanted my marriage to work so bad I just want him to suffer for treated me and his kids like this so me doing the right thing by NC RULE please tell me what I should di

  10. Thao2653 June 12, 2014 at 5:50 pm #

    So out of the blue my first girlfriend at the age of 26 broke up with me. She is 31. May I also add she is also a co coworker. I now have to see her everyday at work. She and I are both very popular people at work and everyone knows us.

    We only dated for 6 months. I was the happiest man on earth. She was happy to as I could tell. She did tell at me for a couple of things and I took them to the heart and would do better. We never had a real argument/fight. We agreed to never do anything that would hurt each other and that if we had a problem we would talk about it first hand.

    So before the weekend as she was going to go on a trip with her friends I saw she was kind of angry with me with something…She came back from her trip and wanted to have a talk…

    She said I wasn’t supportive enough, didn’t take her out enough, listen enough, everything wasn’t enough for her. We agreed to talk if we had issues , but she kept it all bottled up, and she tells me it’s over. We never got to even work it out.
    Its not fair! She never told me anything. Relationships are based on communication and she never expressed any of these things to me. She seemed happy and laughing before up till this day. She didn’t even want to work it out. It’s not fair! Out of the blue she says I’m not good enough when I gave it 110% every time. It’s not fair!

    Thinking about it now, going back I’m finding the signs which may have triggered it, I noticed them, I worked on it, apparently I didn’t work on it enough for her.

    With that said I don’t know how to not avoid her at work and deal with hanging out with our friends and with her as well.

  11. Lily June 13, 2014 at 10:43 pm #

    Hello, I was in a relationship for 2 years. My boyfriend left me in our 6th month saying that we don’t have a future and his family wouldn’t accept me because his family is religious and from another culture). Than I tried to understand him (eventhough I was hurt because he made this relationship began and he knew that we are from different cultures) and I said ok.

    But after a few weeks he called me and said he loves me and wants to contunie. Then be began again. But after 6 months, he left me again saying the same problem. This time I was really hurt because during relationship he said he wanted to marry me. So, I cried, begged, called him every day for 3 months.

    After then, I decided to finish everything and didn’t call him anymore. I didn’t call or write him etc. I was begining to heal.. During this time, he wrote me some e-mails saying that he was sory, he feels bad etc. But he didn’t say about being together again. I didn’t respond him. He came up at my work 2 times. I said I don’t want to see him anymore. So, 3 months passed in this way.

    Then, he began to call me like crazy, texted me saying that he only wanted to speak, nothing else. After all, I responded him, we had discussion on the phone, he said he loves me, misses me and he said he wants to speak with me, I said I don’t want to talk (but he came to my flat at 04.00 a.m. without asking permission) he said we will never leave me, he loves me etc. And I forgave him again.

    And, another 6 months we had relationship, then he left me again 1 month ago. It was our anniversary day. He said there is no need to celebrate our anniversary because we don’t have a future. I was angry hearing this again. I discussed with him and we broke up again. I have never called him since. He wrote me 2 e-mails in which he asked how I am and sent some of our photos that I didn’t have. I didn’t respond.

    He hurted me so much. I don’t know.. Unfortnately I love him, but I don’t trust him anymore. I am crying and feeling bad. I see his facebook and instagram pages, he seems happy with his friends (girls and boys). I don’t know what to do. Can you please give me some advices??

  12. Dee June 21, 2014 at 11:31 am #

    I wasn’t aware of the no contact rule at first and after a week of not talking-post break up he text me asking how I was, I told him I’m depressed and want him back. The thing is at that point I was messaging him n vice versa after the break up as I thought it was a petty reason and we would get back together as we always have done. The reason for the break up was as he felt we aren’t compatible but for three years he kept me as a gf. He said it was hard letting go. I asked about marriage on a number of occasions and he always said he wasn’t ready. I honestly don’t think he sees his flaws, only mine. I want nothing more than to get him back now ..I really love him but he’s adamant we can’t be friends or ever get back together. What do I do? Do I continue NC for the 30 days and if he doesn’t contact me then what should I do? Please help

  13. Kyla June 24, 2014 at 12:16 am #

    I just got out of an extremely unhealthy relationship. I knowingly knew of this but fought feroudcioulsy to save it even when it wasn’t my fault because he was my first love. He made a habit of telling me, whenever we had an issue, “I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore”. He never cared about my feelings. The first time he told me this, I thought it was over only for him to call back and tell me he didn’t mean it and we could work things out. It was on and off, and there were often times where it was unofficial. He knew when I was upset and would always call and apologise but now I question whether that was even real?
    He was very manipulative, had trust and control issues with signs of split personalities. He has an image problem he says but he’s seems quote good with people and works in sales, so I never understood that. I have to question everything he ever told me because he lied and played mind games with me. There were times when he was there for me but not always with complete love. Each break up was more spiteful than the last and usually I take his calls but decide not to towards the end and then he started cursing me out and saying hurtful things he’s never said to me before. He got angry in the past but never called me an idiot or bitch etc but he did. DO you think hell ever apologise? Or try and win me back? Because this is fresh I can’t help but think this even though I KNOW he won’t change and shouldn’t want him back.

    Its rather pitiful :(

  14. Kay June 25, 2014 at 8:10 pm #

    It has been nine months since we broke up and I did the no contact only to have him contact me after 6 months to inform me basically that he was still healing from me hurting him and maybe in the future we could be friends again. 3 more months passed and then suddenly I heard from him and he went off about how I hurt him and he was moving on and we couldn’t be friends etc. I have never loved anyone the way I love this man and I believe he is now seeing a girl he met shortly after he let me have it. The no contact rule in my case did not work as I am still just as miserable 9 months later as I was the day we quit talking. I do love him though and want him happy so I smile hoping this girl will give him the happiness he deserves. I can not say there was anything wrong in the relationship because the breakup was caused by me (no I did not cheat) and a stupid decision I made although at the time I truly thought it was the right decision. I have been asked out so many times and I cannot let myself ease up and have a good time at all. I am constantly comparing all guys to him and none match up to him and make me feel the way he did. Any advice? I am tired of being stuck. My heart holds out hope that he will come back to me but my head knows I am being an idiot and that there is no chance.

  15. ElleF June 30, 2014 at 11:49 pm #

    I am doing the no contact rule. My bf and I were very casual for 18 months and I kept breaking it as he wouldn’t make it more than casual.
    I caught him lying about not being at work and saw someone leaving his house which he has always denied.
    He has made a huge effort to get me back and as it has all unfolded I found out that he had been seeing his ex who is in the line of work. He said they hadn’t been sleeping together but there has been so much lying from him and hiding his mobile… And the trust has gone so I broke it off completely. I had to live everyday wondering if he was dog walking with her or popping into hers for coffee as he told me that’s what they were doing… She had left him a letter as he said he had broken it off with her and she wrote ” give me a reason to take you back” which suggests she broke it off…?
    I love him but can’t trust him.
    I’ve done the right thing? Or should I believe him and is it my fear about him doing it again? He’s introduced me to his family now and talked about living together and marriage and wants me to go on a family holiday. Have I given up and it’s been too hard?
    I said to him that all the good things he is now doing has been born from him being caught out and he said he should’ve sorted this out a long time ago… But he still won’t admit any more than friendship but is clearly a lie.
    I don’t know if I’m just punishing him now.

  16. Kris July 2, 2014 at 11:31 pm #

    I’ve been with my ex for just 2 months but we’ve been talking before we got exclusive. Everything was perfect. Nothing went wrong. I was great to him and he was really great to me. Then He’s moving to another state because of his work (pilot). Not sure if that became a reason why he changes his mind towards me. I begged him to keep the relationship but he said no and I’m better off alone. We did agree about maybe remaining friends but that all depends how things will be. I deleted him on my contact list, fb, skype. I honestly don’t expect a call or message from him. But for some reason, he still asks me how I’m doing from time to time or how my day is going. Not sure why but I am actually happy about it. I will take him back if he asks but I won’t beg him back. But if this is only about our agreement of just being friends, then I don’t mind. Sure I love him. But I’m not going to put my life on hold because of what happened. I still hope for a future together, but I’m not going to show that after he basically dumped me. Aahh. Love. Hard to find lasting love.

  17. Scarlett July 15, 2014 at 10:00 am #

    Hi,

    I don’t know what to do anymore. My boyfriend broke up with me and doesn’t want anything to do with me. He probably hates me now. We’ve been having arguments lately because of the things I did which I now regret. :’( I didn’t exactly cheat on him but I was interacting with my guy friends online (which he found inappropriate) and I never told him about it. I really feel guilty. I’m doing everything I can to keep him but he told me that he can’t trust me anymore. We’re in a long distance relationship which makes all of this worse. Can I really get him back even if I’m the one at fault? I love him, but I’m afraid he doesn’t love me anymore. How do I fix this? Please help. We’ve been together for almost 9 months. :(

    • Piteus July 15, 2014 at 8:18 pm #

      Scarlett – we all make mistakes. The beauty of love … forgiveness. You can only do what you can control … yourself. Otherwise, you can’t control what you can’t control. Sometimes you learn and move on. One of my favorite quotes: “if you love someone, set them free. If it was meant to be, they’ll be back. If not, it wasn’t.” Point being … you can only control yourself. You need to let go of things you can’t control. It will only destroy you emotionally if you dwell on it.

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