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Will No-Contact Get Your Ex Back?

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The No-Contact Rule is a necessity. That’s what most breakup survivors find out the hard way, often after weeks of trying to be friends with their Ex, and suffering through pain and humiliation.

But can it also be a weapon to get back the Ex? Is it ok to still have hope?

Today’s question is from Daniel, who wants to know the answer to these exact questions.

Can we get our Ex back with No-Contact?

Can we?

Please read on.

Eddie,

I’m on Day 25 of NC, this is Day 39 of the breakup.

Long story short, one day we were looking at rings together and talking excitedly about marriage, then the next she broke things off and her reasoning sounded a lot like cold feet, jitters, deep-seated emotional issues like fear of abandonment, intimacy and commitment.

It’s basically her issues and not mine.

I managed to avoid the usual mistakes of begging and groveling to take me back and not giving her her space.

I’m doing NC because it’s ultimately about me and healing, not about winning her back. But emotionally, I want to reconcile and want her back.

In your opinion, will I give up this hope over time as her radio silence continues, and do you advocate NC as the only possible route to reconciliation?

I am having a real rough time accepting the relationship is over. Emotionally it’s like she flipped a switch. And I realize NC prevents me from saying and doing things now I will later regret.

Dear Daniel,

First of all – I know exactly where you are coming from. Two of the most hurtful things during a breakup are the feelings of being blindsided and suddenly alone, as well as the crushed plans you’ve had together for the future.

“What the hell just happened?”, you ask yourself. Our mind usually reacts with numbness. You find yourself in the middle of the “denial-stage”.

Somehow you make it through the days, and at one point sooner or later you make an important realization, (if you’re lucky) – I can’t go on like this. I can’t keep contact with them and at the same time heal.

So you go No-Contact.

Wise decision.

But does No-Contact mean giving up the hope of getting back together? And better yet, is No-Contact a way to reconciliation?

Let me tell you this right away – the hope of getting back together is deeply wired into you. It’s what the heart says.

Now, usually I always recommend to listen to your heart, but NOT this time.

No.

You must know this – someone who just went through a fresh breakup isn’t thinking straight, like a brain damaged, love-blind fool, (sorry to sound so harsh, but its a good metaphor).

All they care about is getting back to the times as they used to be.

The friendship, the love, the understanding, the nearness.

But the head knows better. It shows problems that existed in the relationship, the bad sides of the Ex, the fact that what once is broken rarely gets fixed again to what it was before.

All this knows the head.

But unfortunately not the heart.

No-Contact is the way of listening to the head.

It is doing what is best for YOU as a person.

Will it get your Ex back?

To be honest, it is very unlikely.  Sorry for speaking it out loud, I know this hurts. There were reasons for breaking up and they still exist. They won’t vanish after no contact.

But the HOPE will be present for some time.

It is good to know and to accept that, and to know where it’s coming from. Eventually it will fade, and the heart will look for new ways. This is when healing truly begins, when we fully accept and take responsibility for what happened.

Only then can we learn from the experience and grow with it.

Everyone who just started No-Contact will have a hard bumpy road ahead. You will struggle, fall and stand up again. You will encounter obstacles, road blocks that you must avoid.  Your Ex may try to contact you, your Ex is a co-worker, you have kids together, you will miss them, the temptation of contacting will be almost unbearable.

It will be difficult, maybe the most difficult thing you’ve done, but it’s so worth it.

It’s so worth it.

No-Contact will cut your healing time to a fraction.

It’s true. I know this from my own experience and from coaching so many clients.

My advice to you Daniel is to NOT give in to your emotions. They are sending a false signal. Listen to your head, remember the “bad times”, and try not to idealize your relationship.

Take it day-by-day, week-by-week.

And one day you will suddenly feel MUCH better. Just like you flipped a switch.

Promise.

Do you think that no-contact is a way of getting the Ex back? Please share your thoughts in the comment section below.

Your friend,
Eddie Corbano

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401 Responses to Will No-Contact Get Your Ex Back?

  1. Cindy March 27, 2014 at 9:17 am #

    hello,
    I am Cindy Dsouza . i was in a relationship with a school time friend for more than a year. We both came into contact through social sites and we fell in love. He was an amazing person who loved me but he always wanted that i do things according to his way and inform him. He too used to share with me. But as months passing now he slowly reduced his call, messaging and meeting up. His behaviour changed as one day i was very upset so i put a status saying that why do people have no time and all. He read it and said he does not want to be in touch. After that he went for a picnic one week out with his friends and he purchased a beautiful gift for me and some famous speciality of that place. He had told me that he will meet me on a particular day. I was waiting for his call and when i called him he said he forgot and he thought that i told him that i am not available on that day. I got very angry and i said bye and cut the call. After this full scene now from March month he has stopped talking with me at all. When i post pictures on facebook he likes it sometimes or sometimes he does not. I did not try to contact him thinking that one day he will call me. But i am losing hopes. I see him late night online sometimes but he used to never talk to me. I sit quite. I have stopped accessing sites thinking that he will feel where i am and try to find me out. I really love him lots and when he was suffering from breakup after two months i was the girl who supported him, loved him and now when he is stable he does not even remember the care love what i did for him. Please help me what i do.. give me some solution..

    Regards
    Cindy Dsouza

    • Kiki March 31, 2014 at 1:42 pm #

      Dear Cindy,

      I think ” no contact” rule is necessary but it is really difficulty to be silence when you love someone than anything. My girlfriend asked me to do not contact her but i couldn’t stop missing her, it is a natural love disease:(.

      The no contact rule helps especially when the girl or a man still are single but when you think already she/he found someone, It is terrible BUT I am not sure why women do not forgive their boyfriend.

      Time will tell

      Kiki

      • ie April 1, 2014 at 5:54 am #

        Was in a ltldr with a bf from high school years later he broke my heart a year later fell for another who broke me again I’m so over it so whatever they say run it ain’t worth the heartbreak

        • Kiki April 1, 2014 at 8:51 pm #

          I think, you can run and find someone who could joy your soul but does not mean he born from different planet. My advise is to think if your last bf is going to change his behavior or not.
          If yes, then you should ask your heart is he your choice or juts you was with him because of something. If you you truly loved him, then it is necessary to give him another chance. No relationship that is perfect 100% without any obstacle.

          My girlfriend broke up our relationship and heard she found someone:( All at all ,I love her and because of that I don’t see any reason to do not fight for her. Love is once, second love is just because when we have no choice but it is lazy to allow failure while if the possibility of proving your ex-gf/bf believe your the choice.

          No short here

      • Cindy April 13, 2014 at 6:46 pm #

        Thanks for the advice.. I have started the no contact rule. I post my photos on facebook when i am roaming with friends sometimes and i chat with them online i feel okay. Is it fine if i post photos on facebook. I am totally not talking with my boyfriend through text and call. I see him online neither he talks nor i. I feel bad but with a hope that he will realize my love, If he has girlfriend and he has not told me then i must go away from his life. I am really confused. I just want him to get back. Yes its true time will tell and i want that it change him

        Regards
        Cindy

        • Kiki April 15, 2014 at 1:50 am #

          Dear Cindy,

          Try to text him and ask for meeting, tell him that you need to talk with him and you would like to tell him before you take a new action concerning your health(love health). Tell him he meant something to you but you already accepted his decision to ignore your soul.

          When you meet him, you will have a golden chance to show all your sincerely and tell him that every good relationship has a trend of up and down. many people thinks, people who have bad behavor do not change, but that is they way of thinking, It is not true. Where there is a true loves, you have to accept seeing a complicated problem. No loves without obstacle.

          It is the same, when a man find out that, his woman can not give a birth, What the solution? You can not divorce your woman just because she can’t give a birth.

          I am sure, and if he is not a robot, then he will agree to meet you and could be your chance to explain your feedback and what you missed since that time.

          Do not make a revenge on networks, it is the worst behavior. I am sure forgiveness could take place, not now but after few months or weeks.

          I have the same problem, to the one I loved, I tried no contact but is very difficulty for me. No contact helps when you didn’t love your partner:). If you really had someone and at the same time you shared everything with him/her, then her/his image must be on your head as well as heart.

          Again, if you knows the reasons to broke up with your bf, then the chance to be with him could be 80%, the you have to change your behavior and ask him to meet then. You do not need find another guy just because your stress, that is not a solution to win the game.

          Hope you will get your bf, and I believe to get my gf too. Not today or tomorrow but I still have a big hope on her. I don’t see any reason to search a new gf. True love comes once per person. We have to accept forgiveness. But if we loves someone because of his/her bank history, then it is ok to change a our partner like landing a flat.

          Do you think, I have to start my new life and forget about my ex gf?

  2. FBR March 31, 2014 at 7:19 pm #

    Hi all , I haven’t been on here for awhile and I have a question /s about getting back together with an ex- should I or shouldn’t I. I did no contact ( except for a few isolated times) for a year and he’s been chasing me for the past month and 1/2 .
    Perhaps some of you will find the back story interesting .

    Is this the right place to post a question?

    • Kiki April 1, 2014 at 8:36 pm #

      think this is the right place to post the question as far all we need help and advise.

      No one who would like to leave their heart partner just because of behavior which in any means could be possible to change.

      When You love someone, you can do everything to rebuild/re-change our behavior. But when you didn’t love him/her then you would let it go after a broke up moment. Women need care and that care must be from our side as men. Of course sometime you can be with someone just because you needed one night or something like that,

      No contact is a kill but we have to use it in a proper time.

  3. col April 9, 2014 at 9:59 pm #

    ok, i thought the no contact would help me heal but i also thought it would help my ex see that the grass wasnt greener and i was who he wanted to be with.
    The story is we were in a 8yr relationship bought our house have 3 kids together and im 6months pregnant with baby number 4. He left me 9weeks ago for a girl he works with (they didnt really know each other just worked in same factory) who is 14yrs younger than him…………they have moved in together last week to a rented flat and for the past 9weeks have been telling each other how much they love each other!!!!!
    I am struggling to get over this, he has hardly seen the kids and hasnt text or phoned to ask about them or the unborn baby even though he knows there is some complications. He was always family orientated and spent loads of time with me and the kids as a family.
    Surely jumping into living with a girl after only 8weeks wont last?
    I know he was very stressed with his work and over the years has suffered mild depression could this be why he has run off with her? run away from what he thought were problems?

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