How does the “Dumper” feel during No Contact?
What psychological effect does this have on them?
Why do we even want to know?
The answer is, of course, because we secretly hope that they realize that they’ve made a terrible mistake, contact us, and get back together with us again.
But is this the real reason we went No Contact in the first place?
No.
At least, it shouldn’t be.
But these questions are legit, as the answers can enable us to counteract possible contact attempts by our Ex.
Going No Contact with an Ex may very well push their buttons.
The Psychology Behind No Contact
The real purpose of the No Contact Rule is to get YOURSELF back … not your Ex.
While most people already know how important the rule is for their recovery, they nonetheless look for loopholes to break it.
The truth is — and I’ve been preaching this for over 12 years — that following the rule is an essential precondition to healing from a breakup or divorce.
The problem with this rule is that we do not recognize its necessity right at the beginning of the breakup. We only begin to understand after we’ve had bad experiences with “being friends” with them.
Why do we aspire to stay friends with our Exes, even though we sense that it’s bad for us?
(MORE: No Contact Rule After a Breakup: The Definitive Guide)
Let’s examine this further by looking at the psychological effect No Contact has on “Dumpers” and “Dumpees” :
1. Psychology of the “Dumpee”
The Dumpee wants to stay friends for the obvious reason:
They don’t want to lose their Ex.
If they can’t be with them as romantic partners, then why not as friends? This way, they'll be still around.
The secret (often subconscious) hope is that they can turn everything around and get back together again.
If this is your motivation, then I’m sorry, I have BAD news for you:
It doesn’t work this way.
You really don’t want this, for various reasons:
- The Dumpers WILL treat you as a friend! Are you really prepared for that?
- They may take advantage of you for occasional sex without commitment (this is especially the case for male Dumpers).
- You will have expectations they certainly can’t fulfill: You love them, but your Ex doesn’t return the feeling.
- You will continuously be looking for “signs” that there is still a chance (this will destroy you in the long run).
- It will prolong, if not prevent, your healing.
Let’s take a look at the Dumper. Why would they want to stay friends or still in contact?
2. Psychology of the “Dumper”
The Dumper will test your determination.
The Dumper wants to stay friends for nearly the same reasons as the Dumpee, only their motivation is different:
- They often want you around because they also don’t want to lose you.
- They want you as a safe fallback if something goes wrong in their lives (if their new girl/boyfriend dumps them unexpectedly).
- Some want you for occasional sex.
- They want to make it “easier for you” (which, of course, backfires).
- They want to be around to “help” you.
Cutting off contact with the Dumper often triggers a “reaction,” because it means that the Dumpee takes back their power. They are signaling that they don’t want to be dependent anymore.
Some Dumpers don’t like that and will make an attempt to get their power over them back.
This is the reason Dumpers eventually contact the Dumpee.
They are merely testing you.
But let me be clear: This is NOT what you want.
Their newly found interest for you is NOT genuine.
One of the most important prerequisites for the No Contact Rule to work is to not fall for their games of power.
What You Should Do
The best thing a Dumper can do for the Dumpee is to help them follow the No Contact Rule by proposing (and enforcing) it themselves.
It’s easier for them, anyway (because they already separated themselves emotionally during the relationship), and it will help the Dumpee a great deal.
It may be perceived as cruel and cold, but you are following an ulterior motive that will help them in the long run.
If you are the Dumpee, then make it clear to yourself that you don’t need another talk, you don’t need closure — all you need to do is accept that it’s over.
MORE: How to Get Over a Breakup: 3 Proven Secrets That Worked for Me
You will go through the different breakup stages much quicker and eventually learn all the reasons that lead to the breakup.
This, of course, hurts like hell, but ultimately, it’s better and easier for both parties.
Think about this.
Maybe for you, it’s necessary to make YOUR own experiences; perhaps you will have to learn the hard way which choice is the better one — we often learn better by making mistakes.
Either way, I don’t want you to beat yourself up.
See the decision of going No Contact with your Ex as a milestone on your way to independence and happiness. It's a path that will be bumpy at times, but ultimately, you will be proud of yourself because you’ve made it!
Your friend,
Eddie Corbano
This is a good article when I read it made me understand the mind set of my ex bf we have been broken up over a year and month now the reason we broke up he cheated 5 years ago with another girl and slept with her a lot; he has problem with infidelity his eyes like wonder whenever girl shows interest in him also he has anger problem coz when we broke up and I told him I didn’t want to sleep with him; he got crazy angry at so right then I decided to delete everything about him and blocked him everywhere just for my own safety and saintly to be honest and now I don’t care about him at all.
Hi. I was in a relationship with my ex girlfriend for 3 years 5 months. A month ago my girlfriend now ex decided to end things via a text message can you imagine. I made a follow up with her, the reasons she gave to justify her decision, did not make logical sense& unfortunately we ended up exchanging nasty mean words. She blocked my number& I did likewise, thereafter I deleted all media I had of her, her& I, from my phone& laptop& effected the no contact rule. Unfortunately we work at the same company, so I ran across her on almost a daily basis& emotions/ feelings on my part come flooding back. On the other hand, she seems to have handled the break up very well, smiling& very jovial to other people but giving me a mean death stare…lol
Hi Eddie and fellow friends,
Need your opinion. I just broke up with my boyfriend. Its started with me being not happy that with how distant he is and he knew that I loved him more than he does for me now. We fought because I found him not being honest and not commiting to whatever he promised. Afterwards, he confessed he wasnt being able to be himself with me because I did not provide him the environment. That really shocked and I feel he should have told me from the start as we have known each other for three years and we go into the relationship for 1.5 years. He broke up with me on te basis that we are too different and I wasnt able to provide him the space to be himself. I told him we can work it out and I still live him. He said he doesnt want it to be forced because it I compromise it would not be genuine. I am so confused right now because I am willing to work on it. What confused me more that the initial issur was him being distant and not putting effort thought he denied it. In his goodbye text he said that he said he was sorry for hurting me all these while and will continue to pray that I will receive the best as he just wants the best for me. He also mentioned that he will pray that I find someone who can provide me the kind of happiness that I deserves, whoever he is. And if fated, we might cross path with each other again. And he said thank you for everything.
I’m not sure how to move forwards. He did mentioned there is no one that he could be vulnerable with and not even his family.
I told him we can start anew but he did not reply.
Need your opinions on this 🙂
Thank you
i used to be CONVINCED, that one of my ex’s was my soul mate, even more than that – that we are twin souls, and i was trying to convince him of it at one point too, even though he wasnt very keen on a relationship at the start. I fought for him, i got him, we ended up going out for a total of two years… long story short we ended up separating, and i was devastated, it took me 8 months of depression to see a light at the end of the tunnel. And to my amusement, when that light hit – and it hits UNEXPECTEDLY, like a ray of sunlight after a long night… and then you feel like you can suddenly breathe again. Its been a year since our breakup and now, with a fresh mind, i just think to myself ‘what the fuck was my issue? insecurity and a low self worth.’ I met someone who i clicked with on so many more levels after, and fell in love deeply again, and this time it was reciprocal. Trying to hold on to someone, or to your IDEA of them is you thinking you wont actually meet someone where you will be even more happy, where things wont have to be forced in any way, on both ends. ….. Anyhow, 7 months down the line this new love of mine broke up with me, thats been 2 weeks ago. I was devastated once again, on one hand i know that on this occassion i went to another extreme – since the love was mutual, i over gave because of my neediness, i kind of stopped living MY life, but instead focused on OUR life, whereas he lived HIS one and also the OUR together one…. i began to forget where i stand without him. Although I dont know if this has anything to do with the breakup itself, he didnt say why he broke up, and i preferred not to ask, because ultimately, regardless of the reason – he wanted to break up, and i do not want to have to convince someone to stay with me. So I am once again embarking on a self development journey to become an even brighter , better version of myself than either of them ever met. To be my own love before anyone else. And next time around to not lose myself when i am with someone, to stay faithful to me first, and secondly to the man. <3
i just feel as if my ex will just want to keep the space between us forever because she doesn’t want to contact me and she would like to keep the space that we both agreed on. my ex is a type of person who doesn’t listen to anyone that has something to do with me. the counselor talked to my ex and told my ex if she changes her mind to talk to me, to let counselor know but my expectation is my ex not changing her mind at all
Last I heard of my Boyfriend actually I don’t even know if he’s my boyfriend anymore …idk if you guys would even Consider somebody a boyfriend after this but anyways so November 3 he told me he had a toothache I told him I was gonna come by 2see if I could take him something and we got into a little argument Over something that completely had nothing to do with that. Well that was the last time I spoke to him he didn’t text me back after that till this day he never answered my text as he did not answer my phone calls his other phone got disconnected his work phone is on but the other one is disconnected and I guess I just don’t have the guts to go to his house face-to-face because I already know he’s probably going to reject me I’m scared of knowing that this is going to happen even though I already know but how can he go on 24 days without talking to me? He must have someone else right? It’s a prizes me because this is not him this is not in his character if he had somebody else or if something he’s very straightforward he would’ve already told me in my face if he was mad at me so I don’t know what’s going on especially today is Thanksgiving that’s what hurts the most.