Success Story: How Closure Made Me Stronger

After reading many of these relationship experiences and having lived through a few myself I have learned these things…..love yourself first……learn that just because you love someone that doesn’t mean your partner or boyfriend can’t be loved by anyone else……read more information about how men think differently from women, this helps you to see how your situation ended up the way it has. You will get passed the hurt. All of these relationship trials are put before us to help us learn and grow. The past loves never forget you, they just move on. The sooner you get out and have a few more great dates the quicker you will get over it. Hope this helps

My story is odd I think. 8 months ago I was seeing someone so casually it was absolutly toxic, He ended things because he was bored of it and that mostly made me mad but I got over it pretty quickly. Then, 2 months later I meet this guy who ends up giving me his phone number and I thought, why not, I have nothing to lose. He himself had put an end to his previous relationship of almost 2 years with his ex about 2 months prior. We started dating and it was great. He quickly brought up the fact he wanted to be exclusive and he was acting like a real new boyfriend.

He talked about his ex sometimes but only when I brought up things about what was around his appartment like stuff he didn’t like in the spice rack and dog treats I found while helping him clean one day (it was her dog). It didn’t really feel like I was a rebound and 2 months in the relationship I asked him if we were boyfriend/girlfriend but he said he wasn’t ready for a relationship now and considered us more like “fuck friends” (even though we were definitly more than that……but in retrospect I don’t think he ever really gave us a chance to be a real couple).

I should have left then but I liked him and decided that I was fine with the relationship as it was and thought if one day I felt different I would confront him. And then it got better. He was always telling me how beautiful I was and grabbing me from behind and kissing me on the neck, calling me with pet names and even being super romantic (well more than any guy had done for me before) on valentine’s day.

But then he went on vacation at his parent’s house in the US and his ex contacted him (I believe they hadn’t seen each other since the break up 8 months ago). Her dad has a place in the same state but different city and he drove over there to meet her. He rented a hotel room and they spent the night togeter. He said they didn’t sleep together (she’s seeing someone and he was seeing me) but that they talked about the breakup and she swore she would change everything that “was wrong with her” (what had pushed him to break up with her) so that they could start over.

The reason I know all of this is that when he first told me he met his ex during his vacation and felt some feelings resurface I left quickly without asking questions. I contacted him 3 days later asking to talk and he said yes. I pretty much got an answer to all the questions I had at the time (I’ve since formulated new questions but I know they’ll never be answered). He seemed like he was considering starting over with her because I guess he still felt something for her and figured if she would “fix” everything that bothered him maybe this would turn out to be the real committed relationship he wants at this point in his life.

He did see the red flags though (well he didn’t like the fact that someone would change themselves for someone else and I pointed out what was wrong about this for both him and her). You see he had told me that he left her because she has a big dog which doesn’t work for him because he doesn’t like how time consuming and restricting it is. Her original philosopy was that once you adopt a pet it’s for life (I think like that as well). The other issue was that she wants children while he does not. And the final issue he had told me about was that their sex drive was at complete ends of the spectrum. She never wanted to do it and when she agreed it seemed like she was bothered and as if she couldn’t wait for it to end.

These are big things in my opinion, big points that showed they weren’t compatible. And when she met him that time she said she was gonna get rid of the dog, consider not having children and put out everytime he wanted to have sex. You should never consider changing your personal ideals and dreams to match someone elses. And he should not consider letting her do it. So he said he was confused. That he had noticed that our own relationship was stagnant and he didn’t understand why after 6 months together he didn’t have any plans to take the next step. He told me he should probably have taken more time after his break up with her to spend some time on his own (and that he didn’t because he hates being alone). He said he needed to take this time now to figure out what he wants right now because he doesn’t want a casual relationship at his age (32) he wants the real deal. He said he didn’t know what he was going to realise…..that maybe in 4 months from now he might want to be with me. I acted cool and told him to take as much time as he needs and that once he figures it out to call me. I said I wouldn’t wait (he didn’t expect me too) and that when he calls me we’ll see what happens (will it be to get back with me just to find out if I’m with someone new or to be friends….as he said he would love to be friends).

He said all the right things, that he really loves spending time with me, that our 6 months together was fantastic and that he was really, really attracted to me. He just couldn’t see me while he thinks. He doens’t want to make me waste my time while he figures out what he wants. He said it was really hard to resist sleeping with me…….I made a choice that I’m happy about and also regret. I led him to his bedroom. He was reticent because he didn’t think it was a good idea…..I guess he didn’t want to take adventage of me. He watched me undress and I kissed him softly. He said again that I was beautiful. And when I pulled him over me in his bed he was shaking while looking into my eyes and still conflicted between his desire to hold me and his desire not to take adventage of me. I told him it was going to be all right, that he could take all the time he needs after. So he made love to me and it felt more emotional than it ever did before (don’t get me wrong it was always great but never had I felt an emotional connection like this). He kept saying over and over again “you’re so beautiful”. When it was over we were cleaning up and he asked me if I had enjoyed “my last time”. That’s why I’m conflicted on this choice. Because I’m glad I had one last meaninful connection with him (to me at least) but I regret doing it because it’s giving me more pain now that I realise it was probably not the same feeling for him. He sort of gave me hope by saying he may one day realise he wants to be with me but took it away when he confirmed this was our last time. I know 6 months is a really short time for a relationship. I know his emotional connection was most likely stronger with his ex and that’s probably why he felt there may be a chance it could be right if only she changed the things that didn’t work for him. The things is it hurts me more than any other relationships I had before because, although I always did like the guys I dated……he seems to be the first guy I actually fell in love with. I didn’t tell him that. And I keep wondering if he’s back with her now, if he ever liked me (even if only a little). I tell myself that at least I was better than her (it’s mean I know, she doesn’t deserve hate, she’s probably a good person). I feel like at least I gave him what he needed in a way (time, love and understanding) and I didn’t act desperate and that I had respect for myself because I wasn’t willing to change all my ideals for someone else and was able to let go gracefully (at least make him think I let go…….because I’m not over it yet but I’ll get there) instead of begging like an idiot.

It’s been 4 days since we had this discussion and I am determined not to contact him for at least a month to give me the time to maybe actually let go for real. Right now I feel like talking with him more, to try to convince him that I’m the one he needs. I want to tell him to pick me, choose me…..love me. But I know I can’t manipulate him into loving me. I know that if he didn’t feel the same after 6 months, clearly something was missing for him. I know the best thing for me is to let go. I know sleeping with him and feeling this last glorious high of emotion is preventing me from letting go of the hope he might one day call me to say he wants me and no one else. So I will not contact him. I’m thinking of telling him at least once that I fell in love with him (and that he’s the first guy to make me feel like this) and to thank him for the wonderfull time we spent together and for making me realise that I can actually feel this way. I’ll see how I feel in a month though…..I may decide that I don’t feel the need anymore but if I do send him something it will only be to tell him about my feelings and to thank him for the time we had. I don’t plan on making him feel bad or to convince him to take me back. I just want to set the record straight and tell him that my attitude 4 days ago was that of a girl who wanted to show him she was strong and understanding and that deep down I felt more for him than what I let show at the time. And if I do send him that I will wait to do it when I’m in a place where I am ok with not expecting anything in return. You just need to take it one day at a time and figure out what makes you feel good. For me it’s writing how I feel everyday. One day I will wake up and realise that I have moved on. Soon I hope.

Well… here goes nothing… I need to preface my story by stating that I am in the Mental Health Counseling field. Sometimes, being so aware of your situation makes you feel even more crazy… more down on your self because you know all the answers of what you should be doing… but I know to be true… it is difficult to change feelings. It at times, makes me feel like a fake when I am counseling others on similar issues… change your behaviors because it is easy… think about things differently… and with time… your feelings will change… you will feel better.
And so my story… My ex-boyfriend and I were on-and-off for 6 years. We met in the same field so we did have some commonalities there. However, there were barriers… my parents did not accept him because he was of a different race… and not to say that I chose him over my family. I chose my happiness at the time… I still am close to my family but it is just a topic of my life that is ignored. You cannot change people… and I probably should have applied this mentality to my ex-boyfriend. I did not believe that I ever tried to change him… I was even skeptical that he would ever “change” after his first indiscretion.

His family accepted me pretty quickly after meeting me aside from their ideas about me being a “white woman”. Anyway… all of my family had moved to other states and due to the fact that I had my first career and went back to school for my Masters… I decided to get my own apartment and live on my own at 22. This is when I met my ex-boyfriend who happened to be 3 years younger than me. He chased me for sometime, as I was skeptical of starting a relationship with someone who I knew my family would not approve of. He also did not have the same career or educational goals I had at the time… in fact… he just did not have much direction just ideas. I let it slide because I thought back to when I was 19 years old and thought “Did I have a plan for my future yet?”. And so I did fall in love and we began dating. A year letter he moved into my apartment… split the bills… etc. This was in 2008.
Aside from minor hiccups… I thought we were happy… we had a nice cohesion living together. Never got on each others nerves… we co-existed happily. We were involved with each other’s friends, had an amazing sex life, etc. In 2011, my world turned upside down. My ex had gotten tired of the “dead end job” he was working at the agency I continue to work at (I work two jobs: 1 at a school for children with autism, the other at a mental health clinic). My ex worked as a para-professional in the classrooms with the children with autism. He began to become distant at home… unavailable by phone for an hour or two before coming home. It was always an excuse… “I was late working out… I went to visit my mother”. And so I had no real reason to doubt him… and then he left our place of work and began some other jobs… a few. He began working at another school and doing Security in the city on the weekends. He had explained that some were over night jobs and I saw his pay stubs so I figured there was nothing to think about. Long story short… he ended things with me in November of 2011. Funny part is that he apparently did not think about where he would be living. There was no reason behind the breakup outside of “it was not working for him anymore”. And so my suspicions began… and with some computer hacking skills (it’s funny how you realize how great of an investigator you can be when you are willing to find something… anything to explain something that does not seem rational). What I eventually found was gut wrenching. He had a whole other life… relationship… with someone across the hall from me at my job! The girl knew about me… but God knows what he had told her. The affair went back a few months before he broje things off with me… mind you… he was still living at my apartment! Worst of all… I was so busy with my work and finishing up my Masters that I did not read the signs of not being around our mutual friends (his friends first) as much. They were commenting on his photos with her at weddings he was at with the other woman…. a whole seperate facebook… a whole seperate life. I was devastated. I called one of our mutual friends who was so taken off guard because she stated “He told me you guys broke up… what are you talking about?”. He had everyone fooled… and oh yea… his new jobs… he got through her parents! And so when he came home I confronted him…. half truths is what I got. I became that person that I never thought I would be come (screaming, crying, throwing things at him). I told him he needed to move out. I gave him a week. He did not leave until January completely to the point of me throwing his stuff outside.
This wasn’t me. I always viewed myself as a professional and would never act this way… would never let someone get me to this point.
After going through the no eating… weird phone calls with him afterwards about but why?… but how?…. him crying…. HIM CRYING. Why was he crying? I heard and saw things that no one should ever have to think about. I was betrayed. Belittled… Humiliated that I was the last to know… and was still sleeping with and next to a man I thought was at the very least my friend at the core. One of the last conversations I had with him at that time was me asking a simple question, “Are you happy with her?”…. it took him 20 minutes to answer but hesitatntly he stated “yes”. And that was the day all bills had to be severed…. my phone number changed… and so did the locks.
I missed work… could not eat or get out of bed… it was not only the betrayal but the break of routine… of having a partner at home… he was my boyfriend, best friend, lover, even family at that point because even logistically he was there for emergencies when my family lives so far away. Yes ofcourse I had friends… they were just as blindsided as me.
So let’s fast forward a bit… 5-6 months later that year is when the “pop-ups” came. I began receiving notes in my door in the middle of the night… private calls to my job and home number. Until eventually he caught me coming home one night from work. He wanted to speak after all these months had gone by. At that point I had began mending my life… feeling better about myself. Began a new routine. Took better care of myself and formed new hobbies and friendships. Forgiving him was something I had to to… not for him… but for me… hating him meant that I still gave a s***. And I really didn’t. I was strong…. empowered by his cowering blood shot eyes that seemed so desperate just to hear a breath from me. And so I decided to let him speak.
He stated that he was a mess without me in his life…. he was still with the other girl… I was dating other people. He began telling me the whole truth… and that he was not happy with him self and was trying to “face his demons” because he could not live with what he had done to me. He stated that I meant everything to him and the last thing he ever wanted to do was hurt me (too late for that). I was cold… his words felt empty to me…. however, we know how things go in life and it took a year but we actually became “friendly”. He doted on me of how much it meant that I forgave him and just let him be in my life. I did not give him anything… maybe just piece of mind that he was not a worthless sumbag. He would tell me about issues with his relationship (yes… the girl he left me for and cheated on me with)… and I felt comfortable about telling him about my dating life. As it turns out, he confided that his unhappiness with his relationship was because he was still in love with me… and could not make it work with someone new when he always compared to me. Needless to say… he began cheating on his girlfriend with me (ironic)… did I feel bad… probably not at the time because I Figured the girl knew about our long-term relationship and did not give a crap. I guess it was a boost to my broken ego at the time. My ex broke up with the girl he left me for… and for another 6 months worked on trying to be with me again. I was resistant… but we did build a friendhship and knew him for many years. The girl actually tried to reach out to me to “speak woman to woman”… I took the high road and told her that communication was a two way exchange… and she was not a woman back when she was cheating with my bf… and I certainly had nothing to hear or say after my ex broke it off with her. She never contacted me again.
My ex also now had been fired from his two jobs that were with her family… and so became practically homeless. He was too prideful to go back to his parents… so who do you think let him have a home… yep… you called it… me. It was with the understanding that it was until he got back on his feet and we were certainly not together. However, not having the “burden of a title and committment” allowed us to be brutally honest with each other. It took our friendship to a whole new level of understanding… and after some time… trust was definately earned in bits and pieces. And ofcourse when living under close quarters with an ex… intimacy is bound to happen… and so we kind of just fell back into what we always were.
In the interim… my ex getting back up on his feet led to a decision of wanting to join the army in early 2013. It was scary to lose him again…. he asked me to marry him because he could not live without me being there… I saw this unhealthy… he needed to be on his own as I was feeling like for him, of course he could not live without me. I was his best friend, mother, lover…. it was too much dependence on me. I wanted him to WANT to be with me not feel like he NEEDED to be with me. And so I declined and stated that I was committed to him but his reasons for asking me to marry him were for the wrong reasons… he needed his own and he never had that because he always had me.
So he left for the army in May 2013. It was excruciatingly difficult. But it was one of those love stories… letters in the mail… pages and hundreds of letters from me… growing… changing… appreciating… realizing what I meant to him and how much he wanted to find his way so he could be a great partner. He stated I was “the one”… the only one he ever loved and would always love. And he could not wait to build a future with me. When I went to visit his base in November 2013… it was so amazing to see him. The feelings were stronger. He was emotional to see me. Introduced me to his “battle buddies” who already “heard so much about me”. I left that trip thinking and telling my friend “if I have to lose my family…. they need to know of my happiness and accept it because he is the one”. I never thought I would get over his early transgressions… but I did.
Around New Years, he came to surprise me and came home to visit. He came to my job where everyone knew him… and everyone was speaking of how “he came to sweep me off my feet” like it was some great love story. Needless to say… he went home (still had the key) as I went to my second job that first day he was home. He began texting me begging me to come home and feeling “weird being at home”. When I came home later that evening… he had gone through my closets (which had a lot of his things that he left when he went to the army), and I found big black trash bags outside of my apartment. He stated that “he did not need any of it anymore”. I thought he was “culture shocked” as he was not home for some time.
He broke up with me on New Years. Saying that he did not know where his life was going in the army so how could he commit to this relationship and further progressing to the next step… which would be actual engagement… something we had been discussing from my last visit with him. I was devastated and did not understand or want to accept that answer. I had begged him when we got back together to not hurt me again. I was the woman in the background supporting him at home… his families’ emotional phone calls because he made time to call me and not them… the letters… dealing with his mail or banking matters. Dealing with easing his friends’ concerns of not hearing from him much.
But I had to accept it… I was angry and told him I wanted him out of my life and my home… he did not want that… he wanted me as the “biggest part of his life”… but stated that he needed to take a step back and did not know where he would be stationed. So furthering our conversations after he went back to base in January 2014… I told him that I could try to be his friend again but I was going to move on and he needed to accept that. He stated that he “couldn’t handle hearing that” and when that bridge came we would cross it because just having me as a person in his life meant everything to him… but he did not want to hear about other guys… as he stated this break up had nothing to do with girls or dating.
A month later, I ran into one of his old friends who stated that he had spoken to him and how he heard about our break up. His friend also stated that he was with other girls and although he loved me… had no intentions on ever committing to me. I was heart broken and confronted my ex on the matter. He stated that he did not know what I was talking about… and that he had gone out for a drink with a female… did not even kiss her… that he talked about me with her…. and she had left his base as she was in the army too. I asked why he would keep things from me that I could potentially hear from other people. He apologized and stated that he was not interested in anyone. I had a difficult time believing him but ended up letting his go because it turned out that the same friend who told me this information was trying to date me.
So I began dating here and there… but beginning in March or April 2014… my ex began stating things that sounded like we were back together. Like joking “you better not cheat on me” and speaking to me like I was his girl. I confronted him on what he was saying. He stated that he made a mistake and felt “weird being home” after so long and he freaked. I told him that this was something that we needed to speak about in person because I was not a yoyo. But the feelings came back… the sexting… the can’t wait to see yous. And so he came home and surprised me again June 16, 2014. Came to my job like last time… spoke to my boss for 2 hours about trying to become a better man and how much he loved and missed me. Weird. He seemed happy to be home this time. Before we had sex… I asked him to use protection (a big portion of our relationship we hadn’t… yes stupid me) because he did break it off with me and I was being realistic. He stated that I insulted him… and although he understood why I felt the way I did… over all that we had been through to get to the point where we are now… he would never bring something “home”. He stated that he had not been with anyone else… made it a point. I stated that I just wanted him to at least respect my health. Once again I believed him.
The next morning I decided to have that big conversation with him about what we are. I asked him why for the last 2 months he had been stating things that we were back together… which totally dismissed my hurt feelings when he broke up with me New Years… and did he really think we were back together just like that. I was waiting for him to say yes and then have the whole “trust conversation with him” and the need for stability and how i’ve always been his stability and support. But… after 15 minutes he stated no. No?! What do you mean no? I asked him why then he was stating bulls*** for months. He had no real answer. I had a planned vacation when he came to visit that could not be cancelled so I went away for that weekend. When I came back he said that he had ben thinking about what I had said and that he was going to counseling in the army because after 6 years it had come to the point that he either had to accept being my friend and let me move on and he be miserable seeing me with someone else… or he needed to suck it up and face his fears of committment with his current situation in the army. He was very emotional and loving… we reconnected with the same friend from years earlier that knew about his transgressions 3 years ago… had his parents over for dinner. The day he left, Thursday June 26, 2014, he came to my job to say goodbye and that he was putting serious thought in how to be a better man for him self and for me… and that he needed some time to think instead of making a decision and breaking me heart again. Since he left… that weekend (this last weekend) he was texting me how much he missed me… missed being in bed with me… missed his heart and soul. Sunday night, our mutual friend (his originally) had posted something on my facebook about how good it was to see me when he came to visit and was happy that things were working themself out. On hos facebook… I noticed a comment a few posts down from a profile that had my ex’s last name. I clicked on it…. and it was his profile. It did not suprise me I figured he had one but told him after what happened 2-3 years earlier that I did not want to be involved with him and social media. There was nothing bad on his facebook… accept a shout out that stated “Thank you for always supporting me… listing two of the mutual friends names… and some other girl’s name I didn’t know”. I was around for almost 6 years now and knew the other friends referenced… the ones we were just with when he was home a week earlier… but not the girl’s name. I clicked on the name… and the profile picture came up… of my ex… holding this girl smiling… posted June 8, 2014… one week before he came “home”. I dropped to the floor. I got deja vu. I threw up. I so I started to look at the girl’s profile to see that she was in the army too… and their pictures and comments and comments of “what a cute couple” … began in September 2013… so he was cheating on me for 4 months… and the last 4 months have been f**king mind games.
Even more ironic… while I am looking at the pictures he calls me to tell me he loves me… misses me so much already… and wanted to say goodnight. I told him to never call me again… he seemed shocked and asked what I was talking about… I stated the girl’s name. He already had a story. “The pictures shouldn’t have been up my friends told me that this was not right that she was posting”. Ummmm… he had been commenting on how sexy she was ON THEIR PICTURES TOGETHER. He called her some “dumb b**ch” (which is not how he speaks) and stated that he did not care about her… was not with her… took 20 minutes to answer that he had sex with her ONCE (yea with 8 monhs of photos… some laying on each other in bed). He was hysterical and screaming saying that he ended it with her (I don’t know any girl that keeps her main profile picture up with some guy if it was over) and that he was in love with me and that’s why he couldn’t be with her. She’s not his girlfriend bla bla bla. A million thoughts ran through my head… how when I went to visit him that he was already cheating around Thanksgiving. He kept me on the phone and stated that he was going to counseling to figure out why he has issues and how to commit and how he could not handle me with someone else which is why he played the mind games…. but you could have a full-blown PUBLIC relationship. I told him to never contact me again. I told him I do not know he is…. he told me I am the only person who really knows him… I stated for what I know… I don’t want to know him. He screamed and cried and stated that I am perfect and if I do not believe he loves me or is in love with me I am a fool. He kept repeating “she means nothing… I do not give a crap about women don’t you see how I continue to treat them like shit… but I love you”. I begged him to leave me alone… that I could never be with him again… that he is NOT my friend… and I blocked him. We are on day 4… I have not eaten… going through hell all over again… trying to rationalize how this is a blessing in disguise… but I am human… I am hurt…. so hurt. I thought about messaging the girl and thought why should I even give him the opprotunity to make up lies about me to this girl…. he already cheated on her with me… she is no better than me… I can compare… but obviously she doesn’t make him happier… he is just not happy with him self. And that I cannot change. I am trying to be introspective in this process…. fight the urge to unblocj just to scream “How could you one last time?”…. but it wouldn’t matter… or help…. it would just continue this unhealthy cycle. How can someone respect me he would forgive that…. and not even simple cheating…. 6 years… no ring…. and 2 long-term publisized affairs. Ughhh… I am trying to be strong and I know I will see the silver lining… but anyone who knows him believes this will not be the last. He has not tried to call my job or home yet… he stated that he was not promising me that he would not contact me… he couldn’t even give me that to make this easier. So I can picture in a few months a knock on my door… and that will be the real test. For once I truly believe… as much as I am fighting with myself about speaking to him is this:
After so much hurt and realizing nothing you say matters… You realize the biggest impact won’t be your words… but your lack of them. The hardest part is not witnessing someone missing you and how much they’ve lost by hurting you… But it is a small price to pay to realize your own worth.
I hope that my story helps someone else… or even me. I obviously have some work to do on myself but… I am strong… and I am a good person…. and I hope to be okay.

I was dumped after a year by text. Totally out the blue. I never cheated and was devastated. Everyone took his side and cut me off. So I got no closure from everyone. I envy this article, if your ex is an Ahole and a coward, they won’t meet you to give you closure.

It worked for me – I got closure after a year and a half of not seeing my ex spouse – we do not have children, we were engaged and went out for five years. A lot of that time he was very verbally abusive, he was an alcoholic (reason for breaking up) – and had addiction issues. He called me a few times randomly – and I thought finally it has to end, I wasn’t angry at him anymore, but needed to see him to tell him a few things face to face (many times over the last year were blow ups on the phone,etc. he got a new girlfriend a month after we starting dating, who i figured everytime he has problems with he phones me). We met, talked and I realized he does the same things now he did to his new girlfriend that he did to me. I felt closure that he has never changed. I also felt closure that I can finally let go of the hopes I had that were once there. It could have gone differently but I had to take that chance – for me it was very healing and the last step of me letting go.