Maintaining No Contact with your Ex-Partner is probably the hardest thing you’ll ever do.
You will question your motives and doubt yourself. “Why am I doing this? Why am I torturing myself?”
But you don't have to be helpless.
Three things will help you get through this. I'll show you how to resist the temptation to text or call, and stay strong.
Contents:
I know how horrible this is.
You wake up in the morning, and the pain rolls over you like a tsunami. All you want to do is text your Ex and make this all go away.
But you know that you can’t. You know that it would only make things so much worse.
As a result, you are confused, frightened, and don’t understand WHY all this is happening.
I know … because I’ve been there.
But as I've said, you are not helpless.
You can make it through, and I will show you how.
Should I Contact My Ex?
First of all, you need to understand on a deep level WHY you are doing this. The correct mindset is the most important thing.
I hope that you have read my main article on the No-Contact Rule.
If you haven't, here’s a summary about the “WHY”:
You do NOT break off contact to get your Ex back or to provoke a reaction. You do NOT do this to get back together again.
No.
You do this, because of two reasons:
1. You want to break your addiction to your Ex and gain a new perspective about the relationship.
Then, you can make a fact-based, objective decision about whether to re-conciliate or continue with your healing process. Be happy alone.
There is no chance of doing that while the “drug” is still circulating through your system (more about this later).
2. You want to take your power back.
If you are chasing your Ex all the time, you give away power. Your well-being is dependent on their reaction to what you do.
Everything they do matter to you. What they say, what they do, what they don't do.
No-Contact helps you to shift the balance of power in your favor. You free up energy and give yourself space and time to heal.
That is, in a nutshell, the WHY that you should always keep in mind during “difficult” times.
The direct answer to the question stated is this:
NO, you should NOT contact your Ex during the 60 Days of No-Contact.
60 days are the average time-frame you need to break the addiction.
How About Texting? Is That Okay?
Nope.
No-Contact means breaking off ALL contact.
The simplicity of sending a text message is what makes this hard. There are seemingly no consequences: You‘d just have to write a casual text asking them how they were and let the universe decide what comes after that.
I know that there are times when you miss your Ex so much that it hurts. Picking up the phone and texting or calling them would be so easy, wouldn’t it?
But would it also ease your pain or help your recovery?
No, it won’t.
Trust me … it won't.
On the contrary, actually.
“No Contact Is Killing Me.”
Texting can backfire terribly. Many of you have already experienced this. IF they do respond to your text, I guarantee that you won't like their response.
Let me tell you something important:
There is NOTHING your Ex can say to you in a phone call or text (or personally) that would reduce your pain in the long run.
They can only make it worse.
You DON’T want to know how they are doing (it is more than you can handle).
Also, NOTHING that you do or say will impress or endear them to you.
This is a fact that is very difficult to accept.
Don't risk your recovery over a stupid text.
Pull up your address-book and change the name of your Ex to “Do NOT Call or Text.”
Or, better yet, delete their number completely.
What If He Or She Doesn't Contact Me During No Contact?
If you ask yourself this question, then you haven't understood the purpose of the No-Contact Rule.
Asking this question implies that you are using the rule to make them miss and call you. You are playing mind games with your Ex.
That is NOT what this is about.
As I've said, following the rule the right way is NOT about manipulating your Ex into doing something that would make YOU feel better.
If you start your 60 Days of No-Contact in anticipation of THEM contacting or coming back to you, you will set yourself up for failure.
I know that this is contrary to everything the “Ex-Back Gurus” say.
I am different.
I want YOU to go through the whole recovery process first, and THEN decide if this is a relationship you want to try to save (a little hint… most do not).
I'm saying repeatedly and relentlessly since 2005: “Do NOT want your Ex back. Want yourSELF back!”
Your “game plan” is this:
- a new state of mind
- personal growth
- becoming a better person
- beating your emotional dependency on your Ex
That is the only way you can attract the person that you are meant to be with.
Got it?
Okay… now please read on.
“I'm Really Struggling With No Contact”
You have to accept that you are suffering from a form of addiction.
Thus, the concept of No Contact after a relationship breakup is like alcohol or drug rehab:
Avoid the very thing that you are addicted to.
In other words, get your butt as far away from your Ex as you can.
You need time to heal and detox from your Ex.
I’m sure you are having a rough time with this. I certainly did. It's hard.
That's why before we continue, please make sure that you read my extensive guide about how to apply the rules to your situation practically:
No Contact Rule After a Breakup: The Definitive Guide
It’ll help.
Are There Exceptions When to Contact the Ex?
Many of you ask if it's okay to contact them on certain occasions.
What to do on these occasions?
- Their birthdays
- Anniversaries
- Their accomplishments
- When they are going through tough times
- etc.
I know that you still feel a strong connection to your Ex, especially when you had a healthy relationship.
Do NOT call or text on any of those occasions.
NOTHING is worth risking your recovery and the progress you've made.
Calls or texts like this usually start with you congratulating them, and it ends with you proclaiming your undying love for them.
You will hate yourself later for it.
There are very rare situations where you should call, but don't worry about those right now (it's situations where being human is more important than your recovery, like on accidents, terminal illnesses, etc.).
You can't rationalize yourself out of the rule. There are NO loopholes.
The only way to contact again is when you finish the 60 days successfully.
But once there, will you still want to contact?
Only one way to find out …
How to Survive No Contact?
How the No Contact Rule Works
Just to reiterate:
No Contact means NO CONTACT with your Ex, either personally, by phone, through social media, email, or short message.
It means NO Facebook stalking, NO phone harassing, and NO parking/driving in front of their house. NO to every social network.
Big NO, NO, NO, to any of that.
You do this for a full 60 days.
(If you need daily motivation for doing this, you can subscribe to my free newsletter.)
But what do you do when it’s really getting tough, when missing your Ex becomes so unbearable that you pick up the phone and are about to call?
No Contact Help: How to Get Through
Three proven methods will help you stay strong during that time:
1. Distraction
The human brain can only concentrate on one thing at a time. If you are about to contact your Ex, have a list of prepared distractions that you can immediately put into action.
The best options are things where your brain is involved, where it has to figure out something. For example, research a specific topic, take quizzes, try puzzles, etc.
The more work your brain has to do, the better the distraction.
2. Call a Friend
When you are close to calling your Ex, call a close friend or a relative instead — a so-called No-Contact Buddy.
They will talk you out of it, as well as some sense into you.
3. Post HERE!
Let ME be your No-Contact Buddy.
Post in the comment section below:
- Your No Contact Count (in days).
- Everything you want to say to your Ex — just get it out of your system! (No profanities please.)
No Contact Encouragement and Motivation
How to Stay Strong During the No Contact Period
DO NOT CONTACT that Ex, put it all here! Unload all your anger and longing into our comment section.
By sharing your No Contact struggle with the LovesAGame Community, two things will happen:
- You will find that the need for contacting your Ex will be much less.
- The replies of other readers will give you hope and strength.
This is a beautiful and inspiring message someone posted in the comment section below. Please read it. It will motivate you to stay strong during No-Contact:
If you're reading this, I know the pain you're going through, and I know it hurts badly. All you want to do is text them and call them and ask for more chances and tell them how much they mean to you or whatever the case may be.
Please. I repeat, PLEASE do not text him/her.
I tried to be “friends” with my ex for two months after the breakup, and it was just non stop confusion and frustration. I ended up begging and pleading and making myself look like a complete idiot in front of my Ex (I begged two or three times).
So I made the best decision so far yet and just went completely no contact. I haven't had zero interaction with her whatsoever in two months, and it honestly feels great. I blocked her on my phone and deleted social media, so that way, I can't make a second account and lurk or have a temptation to look at her “enjoying” life.
Also, social media is a gimmick for likes and follows and attention, don't be fooled by his/her social media. But anyways, The #1 thing I regret doing THE MOST is trying to be friends with her at first and not starting no contact days after the breakup. I waited 2 MONTHS to start no contact.
My second biggest regret is begging. This may hurt to hear, but if you got dumped, this person basically just told you indirectly that they do not need you in their lives. So why continue to make yourself look like an idiot and get walked on?
There's literally zero reasons to want to be friends or mutuals with an ex.
Cut them off cold turkey and move on. F**k whatever past you had and any “friendship” before the relationship. That s**t means nothing now.
Now that you dated them and they dumped you, You know who they really are. Even if it ended clean and wasn't a dramatic breakup, they still don't think you're right for them.
If this person doesn't think you're good enough for them as a lover and decides they're happier “alone” or with “someone else,” then let them be and find your own path to happiness, whether it's by yourself or with someone else.
Trust me, I'm in the same boat. I'm legit praying every night that I find someone else, god willingly, I will, and so will you. Just be patient and enjoy your new single life.
Try to look at your life before them and think to yourself: if you were happy before them, you can be just as happy or even happier WITHOUT them again.
This is my first heartbreak, so if this is yours too, then just go with the flow and take this as a lesson.
If this isn't your first, then you should already know the process.
I'm not over it completely, but I'm A LOT better now. I'm a super insecure, low confidence person, so if I can get through it, so can all of you.
Good luck guys. We can do it!
Having said that, now it’s your turn. Post below and let’s help each other.
Your No-Contact Buddy,
Eddie Corbano
1 month together INTENSE relationship, after working together for a year.
We are both Navy and she was my subordinate. What seemed to be respectful ended up being very hateful from her side.
She started to explore bizarre sexual activities, making triangles, exposing other possible candidates and finally demanding threesomes.
I was disgusted and ended the relationship. But actually I was demanding a closure, instead of giving explanation she blocked me.
I finally discovered she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Even I know she is bad for me I want her back so bad!!!!
I am in the first month of no contact rule, enforcing it, but actually feel a hole in my body.
I HAVE TO BE STRONG! and the same goes for all of you!!!! Never contacting her anymore.
18 months together. 2 months broken up.
Tried NC multiple times but one of us normally reaches out after 3/4/5 days. Today is day 5. I’m finding it so hard. We met for coffee 8 days ago whioch was really nice and there was still a lot of emotion there.
She still ‘cares’ for me and wants to be ‘friends’ as she ‘values’ me. I’m tempted but I know it will just prolong the pain and keep me stuck because I haven’t given up hope, but for her, I think I will just be an ego boost, someone to fill the void when she’s bored or someone to relieve her anxiety (she’s a FA). So I don’t want her ‘to use me to get over me’.
I feel mean not reaching out or talking to her after 18 months together and it feels unnatural. But she dumped me so I owe her nothing, but my silence, unless she changes her mind.
She has basically said i dont value you enough to be in my life. id rather be alone or with a stranger than you. that flippin hurts.
i need to distract myself but thoughts of her are perpetually filling mu head.
Why am I so addicted? I think its because I saw a future for us together and when that gets ripped away, you want it back 🙁
We were engaged and going through a rough patch. He went to a work event and came back a different person and suddenly started treating me poorly. A week after breaking up with me I found out he’d kissed a girl who works for him at the event. A few days later he starts begging me to take him back saying it was just one kiss. But it wasn’t just a kiss, it was a betrayal. So honestly if I wanted him back I could have him, but at this point it’s about dignity and self respect. I don’t want to go back to not being a priority.
I’ve been no contact for 5 days. I’ve had a couple of pathetic messages from him ranging from the soppy to the angry. Honestly I’m scared that the no contact will cause me to lose him, but the other option – of being walked upon and taken for granted – is worse. I miss him and hate him at the same time.
I am day 5 and the pain and struggle feels too much, he cheated on me. I hate him, I love him. He is my best friend and I hate tht he had turned me into a shell of a person. But all i want to do is talk to him
Let ME be your No-Contact Buddy.
It’s been over 12 hours since her last angry text, the anxiety is killing me. It’s definitely not my first NC attempt most times we spoke this feels different though she’s out having a great time. I know I can’t contact her as the conversation becomes negative and just does more damage. But the anxiety is like torture I can’t sleep, eat and constantly sit there shaking my restless legs. I know no one came help 🙁
Day 11… but he called me 2 days ago… drunk! He was very aggresive and accused me of sleeping around (which I have NOT), he was always extremely jealous and judgy…
He called again next day, sober, acting all friendly… Luckily I was busy, so cut him off quick… this was followed by a few texts…
Now I really struggle to not ask him, why he calles the second time! I know he just wanted to appologize for the shit he said drunk, but I also think his drunk thought reflect how he thinks of me… So trying to convince myself, that it is best left at the berating and remind myself, that he does not deserve any feelings from me!!!
But it hurts like hell to think back on happy times and know, that they were all a lie… I wasted a year and a half on someone who was never worthy of my love and time!! Feels so stupid…
20 days and the temptation today is an unbearable deep slow torture. Man I miss her so much, but I know this is the best for us, it’s the only thing that gives me hope and strength.
Hi, it’s been 5 days of NC. We were supposed to spend the holidays together so it’s terribly hard now, I wanna say give it a last chance, but I cannot be the one to fix things every time we screw up. In the past days I’ve been walking up and down, trying to heal but also thinking about possible solutions, he decided to end things after our biggest of arguments. I really wanna spend Christmas with him and his family, also New Year’s Eve just as we planned, that’s why I’m thinking About texting/calling him. We both lost ourselves during the relationship, and now is a great time to focus on the things we love, altough coping with grief and loss is unbearable sometimes. I try to talk myself out of begging him like “give it some time and try to fix it again” , because i know how i would feel afterwards. We understood each other in a deeper level, but since that day it feels like all my spiritual powers have been fading. I pray a lot, but i just don’t know how to stop wanting him back in my life. I know everything happens for a reason and soemtimes what we want and what we need don’t match and that’s completely okay. But he was the one to initiate this relationship, who helped me heal all my wounds from my past, and who finally gave me everything that I’ve ever dreamed of. It’s so hard to let go of a person like that.
It’s been four days since he messaged and I have found myself constantly checking if he’s online but i now realise not to do that, i still get the urge but I’m going to try keep no contact up.
Two days and this hurts worse then anything,after 8 years she finds a new guy and lied about it,it’s on my mind all day and night,I don’t know why I keep wanting to call her?
I’m sorry Jack .. I’m in a similar situation and the pain is unlike anything. Don’t worry if you do reach out, all of us sometimes fall down and cave. I’ve done it too, just pick yourself back up and try again at no contact. They say time heals all wounds but man it feels like it takes forever. Hang in there jack
I’m in week 4 of no contact and I’m doing fine because I trust the process and my gut feeling teels me that sometimes everything has to break apart for better things to start. This could be with him or without him. It doesn’t because either way I’ll be happy. I intend on continuing no contact for another two months. My tipps to sustain the desire to text or call is to change your surroundings by either moving in with your parents, siblings or close friend for a certain time, start journaling and taking a break from work stress.
Sending a lot of love to this community <3
Its been 3 weeks nearly 4 nc, I started no contact the night he gave me the list of things he didn’t like about me and told me he wanted me to leave that night so he could have space. The list (some) I cook to healthy, I shop in the reduced section, it was a red flag when I asked him to put his clothes away cus his previous gfs were happy to look after him, many more reasons similar to those, we were together 2 and a half years and he never took me on a date, I lived with him and his mother , I am 30 he is 32 and he said he was too busy to take me on a date. I remind myself everyday especially when I become anxious, i tell myself the list he gave me. I think its not the fact I love him, don’t get me wrong I obviously did as I was pretty much his mother, but I’m 30 and I have no one, I sound so desperate, my goal is to value myself and to be able to set boundaries, not being afraid to say how I feel, do fear that they will get angry or dump me. Today was an anxious day, haven’t had one in a week. But today I was sad, I felt alone, I felt tiered, I felt unlovable.
I’m on day 13 of no contact. I’m struggling today.
I engaged in a nearly 4 year affair with a coworker. For those 4 years she led me to believe that we would be together someday and that she was working on ending things with her husband. But time and time again she would go away with him one on one and lie to me every time about her whereabouts.
I’m no saint either as I’m married but haven’t done anything with my spouse in over 10 years. I’m not looking for any sympathy, just providing a back story.
My love for my coworker is/was very strong and blinded me for years as I truly thought we would be together.
She lied one last time 13 days ago after she went away alone with her husband for a post Valentine’s Day getaway. Blatantly lied to me like many other times before so I finally cut off the relationship. Blocked all social media and blocked her so she couldn’t text or call. I’ve avoided her at work and I’m working very hard at trying to get over the affair and sort my mind out as to how to either rebuild my marriage or also walk away from that. It’s complicated and perhaps a discussion for another chat room. Either way, I’m struggling as I really, honestly loved this person and felt a connection I’ve never felt in my life. I know I made the right decision as her lies were so often that I really never believed her on anything anymore and without trust, we could never be together anyway.
Anyway, it’s hard. I want to unblock and I know I shouldn’t. I’m amazed at how addicting the relationship was. And how breaking the addiction is proving to be quite difficult.
I know going no contact is the right thing and I’m not doing it to hurt her but at times I feel like I’m dying inside because of how long and close our relationship was.
I really have no one to turn to as my friends are all very connected to my spouse so I’m alone on a island dealing with this. I try to keep busy but at times, like now, I feel very alone and depressed.
To make it worse, I work with her… and bought her a pendant a week back, not sure why? To make myself feel better or to get her attention?
I have so much to say, but don’t know how. I know I need help and I know she needs help. I also know I’m destroying my wife by being so distant/depressed
The start of day 3 of no contact with my equally emotionally dysfunctional ex who I’ve been in an on/off relationship… I’m married she’s got baggage it’s all doomed
I lash out she avoids talking
But now I’m struggling without her… is it time I call an end to my marriage and be with her or do I be a man and fix this… and end my relationship with both of them…..
Let’s see how long I last, at the moment I am doing this for the wrong reasons… to get back at her… but maybe as the days pass… it will be for the right reasons
And don’t judge I know I’ve fucked up and a shit husband.. we all have our ghosts
This is my day 14 in NC.. It feels a lot better than before.. I honestly didn’t realise I would come this far.. Although I still miss him and feel anxious at a times.. I distract myself immediately
We had a 3year old relationship and it was pretty serious.. He’s been acting weird since december last year.. At the end of the year he decided to call it off.. I begged him as everbody does.. tried everything at hand to make things better but he just won’t listen.. he loves me but he believes we don’t have a future together.. I Still tried to be “friends” with him but he avoided me everytime
Then I found in the web that no contact really helps so I decided to no text or call him anymore for next 28days(and not even after that).. After going into no contact he has been reaching out.. the last time he texted me was 8days ago and I didn’t reply.. Honestly I didn’t want to..He’s not the same person anymore.. I just want to move on now.. And if he ever comes back he is sure as hell have to earn me back.. In the next few weeks to hope to get more better and have some sort of personal growth
Thank you.. the article was great and i feel good after letting myself out.. its really good trick
My ex went from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde. He became someone unrecognizable. He has always avoided the ugly things in life. I mean I understand not watching horror, dramas, documentaries, media based on real-life events, and the news; if that’s not your thing, but I had to find out about his family life from a different source. I didn’t know that his parents fought. I asked him what did he do when incidences like that occurred. He said he just ignored it and played video games. I asked him if it bothered him and why he hasn’t told me himself. He said of course it did, he didn’t tell me because his father had died and didn’t want to associate him that way. When he died, him and his family didn’t go to the funeral because they couldn’t cope. He is someone who didn’t know how to express himself, but he would either not talk about it or avoid it.
He was homeschooled and was pretty sheltered. He actually believed that he wasn’t enough because he didn’t date until adulthood. I told him me too, and I went to public school. I’m a girl. Not ugly. I just looked very young. I told him that his chances were slim given the circumstances. He said his sister brought her female friends over. They were four girls! No he had no chance. No matter how much I told him how I attracted I was to him he felt insecure.
He never dealt with someone like me. I had depression since 7. I didn’t know until I was on birth control for having UTIs which increased it. I started having suicidal thoughts which were something I never understood before. I took antidepressants which along with the birth control killed my drive and made sex painful. So I wasn’t having sex as much because it became about just him, unintentionally. He did try. Sex just became something I didn’t think about. I didn’t know what to do. I was afraid it wouldn’t change anything if I looked for alternatives. I was afraid that changing my meds would kill me.
This went on for three years from the 10 we had. He knew what these pills were doing to me, but sometimes would blame me for not looking for alternatives or thinking about it as much. When we tried lamb skin condoms when we were already broken up. That worked for me and I told him you see it wasn’t you.
One night I had a lot of things on my plate, he told me I was selfish and sometimes would dream about other women. I had just lost a friendship, so my entire support system left me. I tried to kill myself. I told him and he never looked at me the same way. He didn’t console me or tell me if we were together or not, so I ended it. I tried to take him back, but he didn’t want to. He blamed himself. I also did it in front of him again. He busted through the door and saved me.
For years he has been loving and supportive person, so it came to my surprise to what he did next… I was upset about going home and said nobody can help me there. They aren’t physically or emotionally available. I said I’ll die there, so he hit me. Granted, to snap out of it, but it doesn’t matter. Him not being able to express himself came to manifest. He was horrified. He said he doesn’t think he can be with anyone, almost saying as if it’s my fault.
He later said he can’t try to work it out and said he didn’t love me. I now know it’s because he doesn’t love himself, but that’s not my problem. He was angry with everything involving me. I would hear him smack something on the phone. I soon realized that the wonderful person he was is dead or in coma; nonetheless, not available anymore. Even though I do miss him. I now realize that I grieve for the person he was and and now being haunted by angry spirit. I told him that he lost his right to be mad at me. He needed to go to therapy so he never does it again. That I will take myself out of life after the financial stuff we’re worked out. He was at first angry, but when I explained that I knew everything that was associated with me was traumatic. I told him that he can’t be mad anymore because he’s getting the life he wanted, as long as he gets help. He will also finically recover. He does not have to start over again. He has a better paying job and will not have to live with his mother or give away lots of possessions. I have to deal with my grandfather’s death, my aunt’s upcoming death, and having to start completely over. If he’s unhappy, that’s on him. I gave him the mental health resources and am no longer pushing him to better himself. I was the only person who saw his potential and pushed him to get his GED, college, go on a plane, visit a different country, live in another state, and even go on a boat. I asked him what he was waiting for, he would say his priorities was women at the time. I was so dependent on him. I didn’t drive, now I do. And even though he would fix things, make me feel better, or situations bearable. He is now a bucket with a hole and he can’t fill me or anyone. If he comes back into my life again he has a lot to prove even as a friend, which is a relationship I can’t do. I have to pretend that he died. He is no longer Dr. Jekyll, but Mr. Hyde. This is day one. He confirmed yesterday that he will be going to therapy and sent me a picture.
I am now letting him go.
It’s day 2. Or 24 hours almost. I can’t. I’m breaking apart. He’s going to leave me. I know it. I wanted to make sure that didn’t happen first so I left him but now we have a talk coming up which isn’t scheduled and i wanna reach out to ask when but we’ve agreed to give each other space. I’m giving him space i need to heal and take my power back