Break Up and Divorce Speed Up Your Breakup Healing Process

How To Speed Up Your Breakup Healing Process (Infographic)

Speed Up Your Breakup Healing Process

How long does it take to get over a breakup?

How do you make it through as fast as possible, even IF you still love them?

Before I tell you exactly what to do, let me first explain how NOT to do it.

The longest time a student or client suffered from a breakup before coming to me was 30 years. That's 30 years of longing, missing them, and falling victim to the terribly obsessive, self-doubting, overthinking process.

That's a lot of lifetime wasted for nothing.

The main mistake this person made was keeping her alive in his mind for so long. He never disengaged consciously, which is one of the main stages of a breakup and a vital step you must take.

People Often Suffer Longer Than Necessary

Why do people suffer for such a long time so often? (30 years is an extreme example, but three to five years is not an exception.)

The main reason is that most people make the wrong choices early on in their recovery — momentous mistakes that lead to a wrong path. As a consequence, people end up identifying with the pain, which adjourns the recovery.

A study published in the Journal of Positive Psychology says that it only takes three months to see the positive aspects from a breakup. But my personal, professional experience suggests otherwise.

Still thinking about your Ex? Click here to take the test to learn how long it takes to heal... and how you can speed up the process.

The participants of the study were all young adults, and it is safe to say that the younger you are, the easier it is to get over an Ex. Also, it is my firm belief and observation that how fast you make it through depends on one thing:

The choices you make along the way (a theory that has been backed up by a study conducted by the dating site, “Fifties”).

In other words, if you can avoid the common mistakes in your breakup healing process, you will heal fast.

(MORE: The 5 Worst Breakup Mistakes You Must Avoid)

How to Heal Fast

Right after the breakup, there's the first difficult obstacle waiting for you:

It's impossible to make the right decisions, because all we want is for things to go back to how they used to be. We are panic driven by our “Lizard Brain” that's in charge of fight and flight.

There is an unorthodox solution to that problem:

In the very first week of the breakup or divorce, do what the “lizard” part of your brain commands you to do (see #1 of the following list).

But once you get past that (what I call the “Mad Phase”), you can use the following steps as a guideline of what to do and what to avoid. This way, you'll make the right decisions, ones that will lead to a thorough recovery, as opposed to the next painful breakup.

12 Things That Will Speed Up Your Healing Process

This is a list of actions that have proven to be successful in years of coaching clients. It's based on feedback and input from people who have actually been there.

Following the first seven principles alone will cut off a huge part of your healing time. You'll start feeling much better, much sooner.

1. Get It Out of Your System

As mentioned above, in the first week, do what you have to do to feel better (when you feel like you're in the “Mad Phase”). If you must, ask them to come back, beg, even plead. Do anything that your dignity allows you to do.

Yes, you will probably hate yourself later for it. But the knowledge that you tried everything to fix things will make it easier in your subsequent recovery. Trust me about that.

2. Find a Support System

Find someone you can talk to at any time, be it a family member, friend(s), coach, or online community. It's important to get out what is bothering you and to receive feedback.

You are not alone in this: there are people around you going through the very same thing you are. Draw power from that realization.

(Here at LovesAGame, we pride ourselves on having one of the most inspiring and caring community for breakup survivors on the internet.)

3. Maintain/Establish Daily Rituals or Routines

You cannot trust yourself right now — not your feelings, not your thoughts, not your needs. You are panic driven and highly irrational at the moment.

A routine will help you, even if you are more advanced in your recovery. Having a baseline, a daily ritual of doing the same things, will keep you on track.

I encourage you to try a particular morning routine that has proven to be very effective for recovery:

  • Get up early.
  • Do some meditation (if you are a DETOX Course student, then listen to the “Healing Meditation Audio”).
  • Exercise (running, yoga, fitness).
  • Repeat positive affirmations.

I guarantee that if you start your day in such a manner, the obsessive Ex-Overthinking Cycle will have a much harder time getting a hold of you.

4. Get All the Ex Affairs in Order

Does your Ex owe you money? Do you need your Ex to resolve bureaucratic matters? Do they have important items that belong to you?

Now is the time to get all that taken care of. You don't need this bothering you later in your recovery. It will only cause fallbacks, depressive periods, and destructive doubts.

5. Clean All the Ex Stuff Out of Your Place

Wipe your place completely clean from all the stuff that reminds you of your Ex.

Be thorough, put everything in a box, and deposit it in your cellar — or better yet, at a friend's. I don't recommend throwing it away, since you might want to take a look at it years later as a reminder of how far you've come. For now, though, get it out of your sight and reach.

6. Go No-Contact With Your Ex

This is the most important step. Cut off contact with your Ex completely:

  • Don't call.
  • Don't accept calls.
  • Don't write.
  • Don't do drive-bys.
  • Don't internet-stalk.
  • Avoid places they hang out.
  • Avoid mutual friends or their family.

Make them disappear from your life for a period of 60 days.

I know this is not easy, and if you need help with this, consider subscribing to my newsletter.

It is my belief that going No-Contact is an absolute necessity. This is backed up by 10 years of experience coaching clients.

I know you have many objections why you think that you can't do it. But trust me, you CAN. It may be the hardest thing you've ever done, but you will be grateful that you did it.

And remember: following the No-Contact Rule is NOT the same as “Ghosting.” (We are adults, not pubescent children suffering through their first love.)

7. Have a Distraction Plan in Place

Free time is very challenging (you know that already). It's usually the time when thoughts flood our minds and lead us into unsafe territory.

Night times are particularly arduous, so it's beneficial to have an Ex-Safe distraction plan in place that you can execute immediately without hassle.

Know what you can do or whom you can call to prevent yourself from ruminating. It will save you during these hard moments.

8. Un-friend Your Ex on All Social Platforms

One of the main rules of No-Contact is to not internet-stalk. Once you open that Pandora's Box, a world of pain awaits you.

So, the best thing to do is remove all temptations by un-friending or deleting them. Don't fall into the trap of caring whether this might be perceived as rude by your Ex.

Put yourself first now! Believe me, this will lift a huge weight off your shoulders.

9. Practice Thought Control

The vicious cycle of negative thought processes is one of the biggest dangers in your recovery — the “what-ifs” and “if-onlys.”

Sometimes it feels like a compulsion to act on memories, thoughts, and emotions. We blow them out of proportion. It's like quicksand: the more you struggle, the more it sucks you in.

If you manage to nip these in the bud, you've made a big step forward.

10. Make a List of All Your Ex's Flaws

A main characteristic of the first phases of our healing process is idealizing the relationship and the Ex-partner. We put them on a pedestal and kneel in front of it daily, head bowed in awe.

Make a list of their flaws, big or small, and study it on a daily basis. This will help you put things into a more realistic view, and emphasize the necessity of getting over someone who doesn't love you back. This also leads us into the next step.

11. Make a List of “10 Reasons I Love My Ex So Much”

We do many things to sabotage ourselves during our recovery. One of them is instilling the self-limiting belief that we LOVE them so much.

Of course, this is often an excuse to prevent ourselves from finally getting over them — because that would mean losing them for good.

Working out a real list, with all the reasons why we think that we love them, is often a sobering reality check.

12. Use These Two Affirmations Daily

Using affirmations is programming your mind consciously.

There are two short affirmations you should use daily throughout your recovery. These will help you reach acceptance and self-love (two critical components during breakup recovery):

  1. “I accept that my relationship with [name] is over.”
  2. “I love and accept myself unconditionally.”

You will be amazed by the positive difference these statements will make. The only difficulty here is having the persistence to do it on a regular basis.

Click on the image below to see a larger view:

Speed Up Your Healing Process Infographic


How DO you heal fast?

What are the things holding you back? And what's delaying your healing time?

It starts with the right mindset:

Do you actually want to heal, or are you holding yourself back without even knowing it? Have you fallen victim to the belief that getting over them equals losing them?

That's the first obstacle you have to overcome. Your recovery won't progress as long as you haven't decided this for yourself.

After that, you have to make the right decisions and avoid the mistakes that 99 percent of all breakup survivors make, the most fatal being to try and stay friends with an Ex and hoping that things will change over time. It doesn't.

Devote yourself to the 12 steps I've laid out for you, and you WILL be better — much sooner than you think.

Your friend,
Eddie Corbano

  • I printed the 12steps and Im reading it now, in the morning, before I go to sleep. Its hard, but I know I can make it. I always keep saying that to myself, that its on me and I will do it. It helps a lot to have friends, willing to talk to me, so I can distract my mind. But its not easy, the worst part for me are memories, the good stuff we ve been through and it makes me sad, its long gone. But like my collegue said, there s gonna be someone else to have new and better memories with and I do not want to stay in this stay forever. So I will suck it up and make it. Cause whatever doesnt kill you, makes you stronger 😉

  • Very helpful for sure….I can relate every word with my current state… it is more than 6 months but still all 12 seems to be impossible steps… overthinking about whose fault it was, stalking everywhere, hoping to be back to normal, unable to find someone to talk to, blocking and unblocking, acceptance means loosing him, praying for him, trying everything..and so on… I’m not able to come out of it.

    • Pray for you. Ask for strength in moving on. When your mind goes to him- make a conscious effort with an image in your mind, to Stop this thinking. My image is a huge STOP sign and I’m so small looking up at it and riding a tricycle- I say that phrase, “I accept that ——- no longer wants me in their life and I’m ok with that.” My image changes from me riding the little bike to soaring off of a mountain and feeling in charge of me and grateful for my life.

      • Thanks for your support! My best wishes for your recovery!
        Everything is just killing inside. I don’t know how to come out of it. Coming out is like loosing everything.

        • I hope this next long story will help you find a small light or at least a first step, I really do hope it helps you.

          This period in our lives is definitely really hard, I feel extremely tired myself and am scrapping the last bits of my energy to keep myself standing. My whole image of my world got shattered, at least so I believed. Because there was at least one person I did not lose, myself. Be your own friend, take it upon yourself to comfort yourself. Stop hoping to get better, actively move yourself to get better, because that’s how you will reach it. Your Ex cannot and will not take away the pain, only you can do that.
          Also there might be some friends or family who you haven’t had contact with for a long time, try to contact them. You might be surpised, some are still around.

          You do not need to do all 12 steps immediatly, just try to do them one by one. This is a process after all, not a one-day medicine. I haven’t made the lists untill a month in or so, I did not unfriend my ex untill last week (by accident, but it felt alright as a next step). I do have to say try to get step 4 through 6 down, no contact is harsh, I am only half way there. It gets easier. I bought a calender and post-its (first I had a post it with a turf list). For each day I did not have contact I placed post it on that day. So it would make a chain, looks weird but feels good. I tried the same for not stalking, but failed there so I ripped those post-its of the calendar and started anew. But now I am on day 36 (still not there) but the urge lessens. It takes willpower and strength, but I promise you it will get easier and it will help you a whole lot. Also I give myself a treat for each week I succeed! Chocolates, fun activities, anything I desire (outside my Ex back of course 😉 ).
          As for 4 and 5, you have enough memories in your head, you do not need reminders all over the place. They are all inside you. And that is my own biggest struggle, the over-thinking. Start with these two I would say, clean your house of the memories (just for now) or ask somebody to help you with it and get the last things in order so you do not need to contact them.

          As for the thing you said about loosing him, this may sound very harsh but he is already gone. You will not loose the good-times together or the bad-times (they were there admit that to yourself), as these are now memories and they will stay with you forever unless you don’t want them to. I had to really update my perspective. I was devastated when my Ex left, I had not seen it coming. I just got dumped one day, yes the red-flags were there (I tried working on them whenever I saw them), but she decided and I was lost. I lost her that day, or at least I lost my girlfriend. She was no longer there, however there was somebody new. My Ex, while a resemblance of my girlfriend, she was not my girlfriend. So I started updating my perspective, the person that exists in the here and now is my Ex who does not want to be with me, while the person I love anddo not want to lose is in the past and no longer exists. So that person will not return, it is impossible for that person to return. I repeated this to myself to update my perspective. Maybe it will help you, it helped me get some distance and start accepting that it was over. It did hurt and was harsh for myself. Also I do not know whos fault it was, I believe both and neither are at fault.

          Because to be honest, possibly a bith harsh again, do we have another choice than to accept it and move forward? We can keep going on in this pain forever hoping they will take us back, but seeing us in this sorry state (at least I am, crying is not my best face) will not really be the most attractive us will it now? Or we can pull ourselves out and move forward to a better us.
          It will hurt, my god does it still hurt, and it will be hard. But it will get easier, trust me. If I look back to the start and now, I have definitely improved and so can you. I believe that with everything I got.
          You are now obsessed with your Ex, so was/am I. So I changed that into getting obsessed into healing myself. The number of sites, videos and everything I watched about breakups is insane! But it did help me, just do not look at the hearbroken/sad videos about lost love. Good one to, do not repress and surpress. Cry when needed, scream if you want, curse get angry, punch stuff (not people please), sing your lungs out to your favorite band. It helps, even for a second it is good.
          Another small tip, whenever you feel the urge to contact, walk away. Leave all devices of contact behind and walk away. Just for a while. Let it subside. Grab a pen and paper and write down what you want to contact your ex for, or what you are feeling or thinking about. It will get it out of your system. Possibly lessening the urge to contact them.

          Oh yeah, at this current moment you will feel lost. But imagine this, if you come out of it you will regain so much more than you will loose. The things you will regain is your motivation, your life-lust, your joy, energy, happiness, you will be able to get things down for yourself again. I know the unknown future is scary sometimes, but this moment we are in is more harmful than that uncertainty.
          There is something you will loose if you come out of it, the pain, the stalking, the overthinking, the sadness etc. You will loose this overal feeling of being lost. You will only loose the negative energy and emotions, now that isn’t so bad is it?

          • Thank you so much! I am seriously trying but failing at every step at every effort.

  • ☕️🌹🍃Very helpful articles I like them very much. 💕🙂

  • Julie Goss says:

    I have really found this article so helpful and will read, and have done, over and over again as it helps a lot as a mindset. Thank you so much.
    The one thing I would find hard to do is the writing 10 reasons why I love my Ex so much as this would, I feel, make me feel worse as it would bring all the feelings back. This is purely my thoughts and not disputing your obvious extreme knowledge and experience. I also find it hard to keep my thought processes on track as there are just so many good memories; what I am trying to do is build new memories. Thank you so much once again

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