“You don’t know what love is
Until you’ve learned the meaning of the blues
Until you’ve loved a love you’ve had to lose
You don’t know what love is.” —Chet Baker
There I was. Lying on the floor, hopelessly heartbroken, wishing to die.
I had given up on myself.
Then the phone rang.
By answering it, my life took a weird turn.
In the months that followed, I got over her in no time. I also defeated my life-long fears, my self-imposed obstacles and my childhood issues and destroyed all my false beliefs.
I went through a change. A change that made me who I am today.
Despite what you might think about your personal situation at the moment, YOU can do it too.
No matter your age, your circumstances, nor how long ago your breakup was.
If you want to break free from your Ex-Addiction and create lasting change, the following is what you have to do.
Rescued in the Last Second
As you probably know, a breakup usually starts with a period of paralyzing shock that turns into helplessness and deep grief.
What follows is an everlasting emotional roller-coaster with no clear way out.
That’s exactly where I was nearly 17 years ago when she left me two weeks before our wedding.
I’d gone from a loving relationship to gut-wrenching pain in minutes.
At that time, I would’ve sold my soul to make this pain go away.
The phone call came not a minute too early.
Because it’s this lack of perspective and the loneliness that slowly kills you.
I didn’t want to answer the phone at first. But the caller was persistent.
“Let’s have a chat,” the voice said when I finally crawled to the phone. “I heard that you are having a hard time. I want to help.”
The next day, I sat across this person, who turned out to be a relative I hadn’t seen in over 10 years.
And as we sat in a small, smoky café, my eyes were opened and new life was breathed into me.
A Decision You Must Also Make
He started by telling me his personal story. He described all the pain he had endured years ago.
I felt ashamed, as my experience seemed so insignificant compared to his.
He told me the most horrible breakup story that I had ever heard, even to this day (and I deal with breakup victims daily):
He was innocently thrown in jail, robbed of every penny he ever owned, agonized and abandoned by his narcissist wife, and had no place to go (when he got out).
One night, he was sitting there in his cell, surrounded by fear, hate, and violence.
What did he do?
He made the decision whether he wanted to live or die.
And that was the very first step that ultimately saved him.
He told me:
“At the beginning of every recovery, there’s the decision. Will I allow this to go on forever, or do I try to do something about it? The problem is that we can get addicted to the suffering … up until it becomes our identity.”
I never saw it that way.
For me, it just felt like being caught in quicksand: Every attempt to break free would just suck me in even deeper.
Had I been addicted to the pain?
What Made the Difference for Me
He then told me something that changed it all for me.
When I heard it, I instantly MADE the decision that I WANTED to get over her … I wanted to LIVE again.
“Why do you think that SHE is responsible for your happiness?”
I could almost feel my brain starting to re-wire itself and the fog lifting.
I instantly understood that this was part of the decision:
Taking responsibility for your own happiness and recovery.
The first step was made.
The Prerequisite for the Secrets to Work
“So, what should I do next? How do I get over her fast?” I asked him.
Now that I understood, I didn’t want to repeat the same mistakes I had been my whole life.
Then the real magic happened.
He told me his three secrets that enabled him to endure the jail time, re-build his life outside, leave it all behind, and raise a new family.
Wow, I thought, if he did ALL this, after everything he went through, he really MUST know what he’s talking about.
So, I listened.
I’ve already told you that the essential first step is to make the decision that you WANT to heal.
The decision that you …
- WANT to change the “what is.”
- WANT to stop the pain.
- WANT to break the addiction to your Ex.
- WANT to move on without them.
- WANT to be your real “self.”
If you don’t make this decision, then all the following steps and secrets are useless.
Even if you follow them strictly, you will always fall back.
I made the decision the second that what he had told me sank into my brain. Even if that meant losing her for good.
I was ready for what followed.
The 3 Secrets to Get Over Anyone
He went on, explaining the three steps of getting over anyone:
“My biggest problem was that I had so much time on my hands. Time during which I used to torture myself constantly. I would go through everything in painstaking detail. The ‘what-ifs’ and ‘if-only’s.’ Everything SHE ever said, everything I ever said … and I would blame myself for all of it. I just couldn’t stop.
It destroyed me from the inside. Little by little. Like a cancer that I would feed daily with new toxic thoughts and theories. It was an obsession that led me to the edge.”
He then understood that IF he wanted to survive this, he had to STOP this destructive mental process. No matter what.
This is the first secret on how to get over a breakup:
Secret #1: Mind Control
Obsessing over an Ex is a real addiction and has to be treated as such.
You are deepening your emotional pain every time that you:
- Ruminate about your breakup and everything that surrounds it.
- Try to establish contact in any way.
- Stalk your Ex on social media.
- Do drive-bys, drunk-calls, or try to see them in any way.
You are feeding your addiction and thus, digging yourself deeper into the quicksand of pain.
You are making your recovery more difficult each time.
So, your first priority should be to STOP it, or at least contain it.
When I work with clients, we first work out what’s behind the obsessiveness, even before we try behavioral therapy techniques to keep it at bay.
Because if you understand the WHY and pull out the roots of this obsessiveness, it takes care of itself.
Ask yourself the following questions to reveal what really lies behind all this:
What does it stand for?
What need does it replace?
What happens internally when you try to stop?
Take your time with this, and you will gain essential insights for your recovery.
Why this works — The science behind the secret:
Helen E. Fisher and Lucy L. Brown conducted a study with people going through a breakup, and they found something interesting:
Brain-wise, it’s the same whether you crave an Ex-partner or an addict craves a drug.
This proves the existence of an Ex-Addiction, and it underscores the necessity to stay away from the “drug”.
Source: Fisher, H. E., Xu, X., Aron, A., and Brown, L.L. “Intense, Passionate, Romantic Love: A Natural Addiction? How the Fields That Investigate Romance and Substance Abuse Can Inform Each Other.” Frontiers in Psychology (2016): 7:687
Secret #2: Unconditional Self-Love
My relative told me that all his negative self-talk resulted in a terrible self-image.
He used to tell himself variations of the same story over and over again.
“I would constantly repeat in my mind, ‘I am worthless, unlovable, and there must be something wrong with me.’ I would mentally go through my past and find proof that this must be true. If you tell yourself this long enough, you will start to believe it.”
Thus, the second secret is to restore your self-image.
Because you cannot achieve anything if you think that you’re a piece of sh%$.
Change your self-narrative. Tell a different story.
Fall in love with the person you are.
Only then will others be able to love you too.
Why this works — The science behind the secret:
David Sbarra led a study with 105 divorcées and found that “higher levels of self-compassion […] were associated with less divorce related emotional intrusion into daily life.”
Those with higher self-love reported fewer obsessive negative thoughts, fewer bad dreams, and less negative rumination.
Source: Sbarra, David A., Hillary L. Smith, and Matthias R. Mehl. “When leaving your ex, love yourself: Observational ratings of self-compassion predict the course of emotional recovery following marital separation.” Psychological science 23.3 (2012): 261-269.
Secret #3: Finding Your Special Purpose In Life
“After I got out of jail,” my relative told me, “I fell into a deep black pit. I didn’t know what to do with myself. But then I realized that I am free … I can do anything I want.”
He continued, “I then spent lots of time figuring out what I really loved to do, what fulfilled me. I took that and tried to help people with it. That’s how I found my special life purpose that pushed me through this life crisis.”
That insight really hit me hard.
At that time, I was working a job that wasn’t at all what I wanted to do. The breakup revealed how much I really hated it.
Let me ask you this: Are you also working a job that you despise? Do you feel that you live a meaningless life?
It’s because you don’t follow your personal life purpose.
Some even call it “bliss.”
Find out what you always loved to do, figure out how you can help people doing it, and ta-da — you have your special purpose in life.
Can you guess what mine is?
Why this works – The science behind the secret:
Stephanie Hooker states in her study that a greater sense of purpose in life and physical and emotional health are connected. It reduces stress, improves coping, and promotes behaviors that increase health. People who have a personal life purpose will heal quicker and get over severe setbacks easier than those who lack a purpose in life.
Source: Hooker, S. A., Masters, K. S., & Park, C. L. (2018). A meaningful life is a healthy life: A conceptual model linking meaning and meaning salience to health. Review of General Psychology, 22(1), 11-24.
What I Did Next After That Fateful Day
Have you ever experienced a moment of total clarity?
A moment where you knew precisely what you must do?
After that day with my relative, I knew what I had to do to get over her fast.
I also knew what to do with my life:
I would take what he had taught me and help others who were in the same place that I had been.
It became my life’s mission.
Fast forward 17 years later, I’ve perfected his “method” and developed the “Ex-DETOX System,” my unique coaching approach.
I’ve coached thousands of people since, and tens of thousands of students are members of the “home-study version,” our DETOX Course.
I’ve found the love of my life shortly after I recovered, and we welcomed twin girls a year later.
Emotional independence, the perfect fit partner, mojo-giver to millions of the broken-hearted out there, a business founded in helping people —
All made possible by picking up the phone on the worst day of my life.
Now I have a question for YOU:
What will you do today, now that you’ve read this?
“The most authentic thing about us is our capacity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform, to love, and to be greater than our suffering.” — Ben Okri
Today, my relative is a humble, faithful man who lives a quiet life with his family.
I owe him everything, and I try to visit him every year. Each time, he has new insights to offer that inspire me.
The three steps I’ve outlined are lifesavers to so many, right up to the present day. They are cornerstones to a lasting recovery.
I can only advise you to follow these as closely as you can, and I guarantee that your breakup or divorce will change your life for the better.
My breakup, as tormenting as it may have been, opened up a new, better world for me.
It acted as a catalyst for a long due change. A change that forced me to confront my emotional trauma and personal issues that dominated my life for so long.
“What we regard as a curse, the worst thing that ever happened to us,” my relative said, “can be a blessing in disguise. We only have to see the lesson in it.”
I challenge you to follow my steps, I’m convinced that you can do it, no matter who you are, how old you are, or what you went through.
If you need help with these three steps, please consider joining my free newsletter, where I guide you through this on a day-to-day basis.
My relative was MY lifesaver. Allow me to be yours.
Now It’s Your Turn
This was the story about how I became a breakup expert and the three steps on how to get over a breakup fast.
And now I’d like to hear from you:
Do you have questions about the steps or the experience I had with my relative?
Or maybe you want to share your healing process?
Either way, let me know by leaving a comment below.
Your friend and coach,