“Are you real?”
This is a surprising question that I received via e-mail.
That got me thinking.
I thought that I revealed plenty of myself in the blog: my suffering, my recovery, my mission to help people who were in the same position as I have been.
Throughout all of my articles, I have revealed more and more about my past. Hence, why would someone ask the question of whether or not I was a real person?
I refuse to think that my whole story looks like a marketing invention. And yet, maybe I haven’t revealed as much about the PERSON Eddie Corbano as I have thought?
This is when I decided to write some more about my personal story and my life.
First, I started to write a “5 things you don’t know about me” kind of article, but then again, what would you gain from it? Isn’t it more useful to write more details about my experience and how I used it to become a better person?
I know that this will help you in two ways: first it will make you realize that you are not alone with this problem, others have suffered and overcame it before.
Secondly, it can give you a new angle and an incitement on what direction you can take.
I am sure many of you will recognize yourself in my story.
Even if my breakup was very long ago (1998), I still remember everything in detail, especially what kind of person I was before that.
To mention something from the start: this break up was the best thing that ever happened to me. Eventually it changed my life to the better by forcing me to confront my inner fears and problems.
I had to change or die.
I was raised by a very dominant father, who didn’t tolerate much initiative. “You have to do what you are told”, not to think for yourself. Being a very sensitive person, I did what I was told and never rebelled.
As much as I wished I had rebelled against the authority, (for a long time I was sure that this would’ve saved me), I accept today the fact that I haven’t, and that I couldn’t.
If you are not encouraged to be independent and to “march to a different drummer” as a child, and if you are additionally a very sensible person by nature, this could lead to two problems:
1. A lack of self-esteem
The combination of these two will most certainly cause an exaggerated, if not pathologic, suffering when a loss occurs in your life.
This was definitely the case with my very first heavy relationship break up when I was 18 years old.
In the following years, I’ve made mistakes which are very common among break up survivors with the above mentioned flaws: I jumped from one relationship into another – break up -> rebound relationship -> break up -> rebound relationship… etc.
The dilemma here is not far to seek: by not facing your problems, but avoiding and stalling them, they will come back to you eventually with even more force.
I was afraid of being alone, and by avoiding and not working on this issue, I further developed something else very dangerous:
The fear of loss.
Fear of loss makes you vulnerable to many bad things, like infidelity and clinging. Furthermore, you don’t see things as they really are – you live in a bitter cloud of hope and assumptions. You especially tend to overlook things you don’t like about your partner, or tolerate circumstances even if your needs are not being met – all this out of fear of losing them.
This fear basically does not permit you to be who you really are, but degrades you to acting like a fearful and over controlling person. The truth is – fear of loss often drives the partner away.
The fatal thinking behind this is the firm inner belief that you don’t deserve this partner – that you are not worthy of their attention. This gives all your power away, and you are completely dependent on your partner.
The partner senses that, and it is most often too much for them.
The premise of a stable relationship is that both parties are stable people for themselves.