My Way Back Into Life – A Personal Story
by Eddie Corbano
“Are you real?”
This is a surprising question that I received via e-mail.
That got me thinking.
I thought that I revealed plenty of myself in the blog: my suffering, my recovery, my mission to help people who were in the same position as I have been.
Throughout all of my articles, I have revealed more and more about my past. Hence, why would someone ask the question of whether or not I was a real person?
I refuse to think that my whole story looks like a marketing invention. And yet, maybe I haven’t revealed as much about the PERSON Eddie Corbano as I have thought?
This is when I decided to write some more about my personal story and my life.
First, I started to write a “5 things you don’t know about me” kind of article, but then again, what would you gain from it? Isn’t it more useful to write more details about my experience and how I used it to become a better person?
I know that this will help you in two ways: first it will make you realize that you are not alone with this problem, others have suffered and overcame it before.
Secondly, it can give you a new angle and an incitement on what direction you can take.
I am sure many of you will recognize yourself in my story.
Even if my breakup was very long ago (1998), I still remember everything in detail, especially what kind of person I was before that.
To mention something from the start: this break up was the best thing that ever happened to me. Eventually it changed my life to the better by forcing me to confront my inner fears and problems.
I had to change or die.
The Beginnings
I was raised by a very dominant father, who didn’t tolerate much initiative. “You have to do what you are told”, not to think for yourself. Being a very sensitive person, I did what I was told and never rebelled.
As much as I wished I had rebelled against the authority, (for a long time I was sure that this would’ve saved me), I accept today the fact that I haven’t, and that I couldn’t.
If you are not encouraged to be independent and to “march to a different drummer” as a child, and if you are additionally a very sensible person by nature, this could lead to two problems:
1. A lack of self-esteem
2. Dependency
The combination of these two will most certainly cause an exaggerated, if not pathologic, suffering when a loss occurs in your life.
This was definitely the case with my very first heavy break up when I was 18 years old.
In the following years, I’ve made mistakes which are very common among break up survivors with the above mentioned flaws: I jumped from one relationship into another – break up -> rebound relationship -> break up -> rebound relationship… etc.
The dilemma here is not far to seek: by not facing your problems, but avoiding and stalling them, they will come back to you eventually with even more force.
I was afraid of being alone, and by avoiding and not working on this issue, I further developed something else very dangerous:
The fear of loss.
Fear of loss makes you vulnerable to many bad things, like infidelity and clinging. Furthermore, you don’t see things as they really are – you live in a bitter cloud of hope and assumptions. You especially tend to overlook things you don’t like about your partner, or tolerate circumstances even if your needs are not being met – all this out of fear of losing them.
This fear basically does not permit you to be who you really are, but degrades you to acting like a fearful and over controlling person. The truth is – fear of loss often drives the partner away.
The fatal thinking behind this is the firm inner belief that you don’t deserve this partner – that you are not worthy of their attention. This gives all your power away, and you are completely dependent on your partner.
The partner senses that, and it is most often too much for them.
The premise of a stable relationship is that both parties are stable people for themselves.
My Recommendation For Further Reading:
- 10 Secrets About Men - Very Recommendable Inside-Tips from Christian Carter
- Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends - THE Classic Book About Breakup Recovery
- For Men: Getting Your Groove Back After A Breakup - Approaching Women and Getting Physical
5 Must-See Related Posts:
About The Author:
Eddie Corbano is a breakup-coach, relationship-advisor and founder of LovesAGame. He suffered from a devastating break up in 1998. Since then, he dedicated his life to helping others getting the best of this existential experience. The overcoming of a break up is an important step to autonomy and independency. Eddie Corbano developed some new coaching programs, which focus on evolving inner strength and the power to set and reach any personal goal. (Article written on March 16th, 2009)
Show all posts by Eddie Corbano
Tags: break up, coaching, depression, fear of loss, meditation, mind-control, newsletter, self-esteem
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Recent Comments:
hey everyone…..i just wanted some advice…maybe someone can help. well….me and my boyfriend of 4 years broke up about 3 months ago. we have a 3...
lia | November 7, 2009 | more»
@-XchelsX- - hey well i think i would have done the same thing to be completely honest like idk i get a lil jealous when i think he is talk in to other girls i...
holly | November 6, 2009 | more»
It probably isn’t advisable but people do seem to need to do it! I’ve talked to lots of women who have done different things. Sometimes they get...
Sarah | November 6, 2009 | more»
I was dumped after two years of dating my Ex. I’ve known him for over 15 yrs but we only started dating in 07′ . When I met up with him in...
Jessie | November 5, 2009 | more»
@Taylor – Taylor, You can’t have feelings for the person and hang out/be friends pretending that there is nothing there. It would just hurt...
stronger ;) | November 5, 2009 | more»
Eddie,
okay, let me ask yu a very direct but a personal question. How have you done in relationships after your break-up? It has been many years since you broke up, and you are over it and a better person. But the real test is this: how successful have you been in a relationship after that?
Getting over should not mean a total detachment for relationships.
I hope I am not offending you in any way. Your insight will simply help me.
Shane,
Good question.
After this whole renewal process, I have gained a deeper understanding what being in a relationship really means. And by learning to be independent, I am now able to bring my whole person and personality into the relationship, not just a small part of it.
By defeating the fear of loss, I can now take my own decisions. The stronger you are and the better you know what you really want in a relationship, the more you attract that right partner for you, and the more you are able to acknowledge to yourself if it’s the wrong one.
Since I love myself unconditionally, I don’t need another person to fill the emptiness, I can exist on my own. And ONLY then finding true love is possible.
You’re right, the recovery process should not result in detachment for relationships, I strongly believe that if you do it right, the opposite is the case: the more you learn about yourself, the stronger your relationships will be.
As for my person, after the breakup I decided to enjoy life to the fullest, found my true love and am now happily married and father of twins (ups, gave away too much
).
Eddie
great article! i agree that the best way to get over a break up is to know one’s self and to help other people w their pain..thanks for giving hope and inspiration. . your articles helped me a lot! God bless!
Dear Eddie,
Your web site has been a tremendous help to me. I was involved in a long term (13 years) relationship that ended 5 months ago. It has been near impossible to impose the no contact rule since we have business ties that bind us together. He is now with another woman and this has been incredible painful. However, I read everything you write and it really does help. I am in the process of working on myself. Thanks.
Eddie, Best one yet. If you are not real neither am I. This is a very accurate description of my breakup and divorce. Having a little trouble moving on. I still get the pain and heartache like I have never felt. How can I miss someone who betrayed me and treated our marriage vows with total disrespect?
Thanks you help alot,
Wes
@Eddie Corbano -
Thank you Eddie. The biggest difficulty I am having is getting over the guilt and regrets…. What if I had not yelled at her when she “blew” away a thousand bucks on facials…. what if I had just accepted her many flaws and worked harder to compensate for them myself…. what if I didn’t do the “getting even with her” after she said or did something mean….
yes, I know I have a lot to learn…
eddie,
thank you for sharing with us your story. you helped me a lot–really.
Eddie, I love your break-up newsletters, it seems like each time I go thru a new phase of my break-up you’ve got some advice to help me see I’m not the only one going thru this. I really believe what you said about helping others to get over a break-up, that has been a big help for me. Thank you!
Good article – I’m in the same type of predicament myself as far as knowing the signs of where it’s all going with my gf of almost 6 years. I still care for her but I’m just not in love anymore and really really hate to hurt her. We display almost everything on the list – I can’t look her in the eye; she’ll talk of future plans and I remain silent; sex is maybe twice a month and that’s not even fun anymore..more like a chore. It’s probably been like this at least the last couple years. We broke up once for about a month but got back together and I’ve been regretting that ever since. She’ll even say (often) ‘you just look so miserable’. Guess that’s the answer and the biggest sign to what needs to be done. Alot of memories in 6 years to erase. Not only that, but she’s helped me with some biz ventures in the past few years – some good others not…so it’s almost like I feel I OWE her and stay for that reason. This guilt trip I have is killing me.
Hi,
pls help me. Desperately need help. I am going through a break up. It was a relationship that was going down hill for last 2 years but still when it ended 2 weeks back, i am not able to get over it. I know the no contact rule needs to be followed and he is not trying to contact me, but i have access to information regarding how he is doing, so I do find myself desperately seeking to know how he is dealing and hurt myself again and again. Its kinda become a addiction to wait every minute to get info about his whereabouts, what's he upto in his life etc etc. i want to stop doing this to myself. plspls help.
Kutty, Ive been in your shoes. I was in a realtionship for four yrs that ended 2months ago. Please dont look into his information, I had access to my exs phone and bank accounts. All it did was hurt me and pound me into the floor. After seeing the good time he was already having without me it was devestating! So my advice to you is be strong tell yourself that if you do that you are the one hurting yourself and no one else. Tell yourself everyday that you are choosing to be happy and dont let anyone tell you otherwise. You'll get through this stage just like I did!
eddy, I loved your article. I saw myself in every way. However I am not to the recovery point you got to. I had the same type of father, controlling and demanding, now I too have dependecy issues.
How do I, or how did you get over that???!
help!
@tina –
Tina, improving my self-esteem and self-worth did pretty much the trick for me (among other things). When I felt that changing many things in my life started to resolve.
Eddie
I am 6 months out of a 10 year relationship. I have learnt a lot about myself since the breakup. I see I was too focussed on him and his happiness and not my own (codependent issues). I recognise this now, and it’s such a relief to put a name to it.
Problem is I still love my ex and haven’t completely let go. He is dating again. He is trying to be friends and contacted me not long ago to talk about what we’ve both been going through. I’m not sure I want to – he left after all and is dating, so it’s not like he wants to reconcile. I have received mixed messages from him like sometimes he misses me a lot and it hurts, like he’s changing, etc. But bottom line is he isn’t here.
Not sure what to do.
@Eddie Corbano –
EDDIE, FOUND OUT ABOUT THIS WEBSITE WAS THE BEST!!!! THANK YOU FOR HELP PEOPLE LIKE ME, TO OVERCOME A BREAKUP.
Wow, I can totally relate to your story. I too was in a relationship for just about 10 years and all of a sudden he didn’t want to be with me anymore but as months passed by he started contacting me by text just to see if I was interested in a sex only relationship. I of course told him no even though it hurt like hell. To contact me only for sex was like a slap in the face. It was like he didn’t even acknowledge we had a 10 year relationship and it was so insensitive of him. It has been just about a year since I’ve seen him and I am still hurting but I am trying to adjust my life now. I have enrolled in school and am looking forward to attending so maybe I can start meeting people and re-connecting with people and moving on with my life. Everyday is a struggle but I force myself each day to get out of the house and inter-act with people. I wish you luck and I hope things get easier for you.
@Lisalisa – Codependent! Ha, I went out withsomeone like this and he dumped me! Crazy, took 2 years to get over, He tried to be all buddies and i said, you have issues, i htink you should see someone before you get intot another relationship. He then acknowldeged what a prick he was which sooo made me feel better closure. In the meantime, be STRONG! He wants your attention without wanting to commit to you. Keep reminding and retraining yourself to look for postivie people. Take on a new challenge, exercise.. Good luck!
I meant I was the one with codependent behaviours.
He is still trying to be buddies though. Just don’t know how to do that.
love yorself and wen u r in a crossroads make a decision u r in or u r out which side do u wanna be? , dont follow the no contact cuz I have achild with her, but tks, I feel i am getting out of a nut shell! exercise, exercise, excercise! patience, so a big reward will come! thks corbano
@ RJ – did you end it RJ?
IMHO, you either work towards a solution, or you don’t. If you don’t want to improve your relationship with your partner, why are you there? Be really sure of whatever decision you make.